King of Porn Arranges his Actors
(Note the 3 on 1 action on the left)
I’ve just returned from a day on a French beach, trying not to look at fat men and women with their boobs out. There was this one big fat guy in a pair of gold speedos who had a medallion on, complimenting his long ponytail, fixed to the back of his balding head. The ponytail looked like a small animal which was trying to shag the back of his head and he obviously fancied himself as a porn star, much like Paul Jewell who was in the Ipswich dugout and charged with getting his collection of names to play like a team. He went to the same Scouse finishing school as Nigel Adkins so there was a bit of Scouse Honour to be won tonight.
Saints were unchanged from the Barnsley match with Danny Fox replacing the banned Chappers on the bench. Remarkably, Saints Player was working and more remarkably, I was listening to it.
Saints started with the confidence of a team that had won their last 8 games and tore into Ipswich and it took all of 4 minutes for Saints to carve them open as Sir Rickie played a neat 1-2 with Connolly and lost Edwards who totally failed to track him (like most wingers playing at right back) and buried it under Stockdale for 1-0.
The King of Porn responded by switching all his midfielders into different positions and putting on some 70’s music but the climax came from Saints on 10 minutes as Lallana took a pass from Cork and passed to Sir Rickie who calmly curled it round Stockdale and in off the far post for 2-0.
Doctor Porn changed all his players round again but Ipswich still weren’t getting a foothold in the game and the sound of lots of fans chewing straw in an irate fashion was being drowned out by 1000+ Saints fans in magnificent voice. The Gulyman goes close, smashing a shot just wide before Ipswich have a chance when Chopra gets through one v one against Superkelv and loses. Ipswich have a few moment soon after with a half hearted penalty shout against former Tractor Boy Dan Harding and after yet more tactical fiddling, the Ipswich left back Martin gets into the area and screws a good chance wide. Ipswich have had their moments through the time honoured tradition of sticking the boot in, with Chopra, Leadbitter and Bowyer in particular being allowed by a weak referee, to get away with the frequent booting of people.
Saints Player is giving me my first dose of Merringtitus of the season, overenthusiastically pointing out the restlessness of the home crowd which is no surprise when your team is getting battered and your manager responds by shuffling the deck chairs on the Titanic (and putting up some psychedelic wallpaper). Their mood can’t have improved on 42 minutes when Ipswich are attacking and 30 seconds later it’s 3-0 as The Gulyman bursts onto a ball from Cork, dances round Stockdale and has the presence of mind to roll it back for Connolly to crash into the net for 3-0.
The sound of opposition fans on the radio yelling ‘faaaaaaacking shiiiiiit’ is one of those beautiful things. Cacophony of booing, half time and 3-0 to the boys in red and white.
Unsurprisingly, Ipswich start second half well in a ‘shit or bust’ effort to get back into the game. The King of Porn has replaced Jason Scotland with Emmanuel, Emmanuel-Thomas to be exact who is built like a large wardrobe. It’s all Ipswich and Saints don’t appear to be dealing with the onslaught very well. It’s all a bit indecisive in defence as Chopra cuts inside a weak challenge and curls a shot onto the bar. The ball is half cleared out to the edge of the box where there is another weak Saints challenge before Andrews smashes a shot in at Kelvin’s near post. It’s a great hit but ….. aargh!
Merringtitus tells us that we don’t want to concede again apparently and it’s now like the fucking Alamo and it’s no surprise when Ipswich score again as we fail to clear a ball into our box, Hammond gets flattened by the wardrobe, the ref ignores it, allowing the wardrobe to hook it past Harding on the line for 3-2. Oh bugger and a big “I told you we didn’t want to do that” from Big Dave the Insightful.
Shaken up… and so they fucking should be, Saints are back on the offensive and Harding crosses for Lallana to get in, beat the keeper but not the defender on the line. We’re improving again and I’m getting a bit of confidence back but then Harding and Seaborne, my two favourite defenders, run into eachother and I’m momentarily convinced we will lose 4-3. Deano and Corky are beginning to re-establish a grip on proceedings and it’s time to bring a bit more solidity to things and the Gulyman is replaced by Schneiderlin.
There’s a decent chance for Ipswich to make it 3-3 when the wardrobe shoots at the near post and this time, Kelv is Super and managed to claw it out and the save achieves ‘important’ status a minute later as Sir Rickie passes to Schneiderlin who chips a wonderful weighted ball over the defence to Lallana who scuffs his volley a bit but no matter as it hits the ground and bounces over Stockdale to give us a two goal cushion again. Dave is in a Lallana wonderland and I love him again. Like I’ve said before, he’s a numpty but he’s our numpty.
Danny Fox comes on for Connolly and we now have a very solid looking 4 in midfield plus Lallana in the hole behind Sir Rickie. Michael Chopra finally achieves the booking he’s been working all game for and Richardson gets booked for delaying the resultant free kick after waiting for the referee to finally get Chopra’s card out. Cork and Hammond are totally bossing the midfield again and there’s no way back for Ipswich now but it’s not confirmed until the 93rd minute when Sir Rickie plays Lallana through to finish with ease.
We have just enough time to give Lallana a standing ovation substitution and Steve de Ridder barely has time to cross the white line to pick up his win bonus before the final whistle blows. Final whistle, end of the game and all the 28p per text updates I’m getting sent through are costing me a bastard fortune but who cares. Back to the top of the league.
Nigel was, to coin a cliché, over the moon at the end and full of praise for the attacking football on display from our players. For me though, the key was that he wasn’t happy with the defending in the first fifteen minutes of the second half and would look at that. After a 5-2 away win it must be easy to sit back and think everything is fantastic but you have to look at the negatives and try and sort them out. Both of the goals we let in were preventable so there’s room for improvement there. However, we did score five away from home against a decent side so it would be churlish to get too hung up on the negatives. As an aside, I remember as a kid reading about Saints losing 5-2 at Portman Road with Alan Brazil scoring all 5. I wonder if the big man was watching this game and whether he’d be talking about it on talkSHITE tomorrow.
I can't be alone in finding our start quite unbelievable. I mean, I kind of hoped that the form of last season would carry on but to start like this is fantastic, especially after our years of starting appallingly. We all know that it won't last but for now, lets just enjoy it and look forward to the next game which is Millwall at home on Saturday. I think this will be our sternest test so far as they are a settled side too. Their fans are always an interesting bunch as well.
The King of Porn’s reaction to the calamity was to slam his defenders for not marking. You want to try playing players in their correct positions for a start mate. After all, you’ve had a transfer window to sort it out and you can’t say that the money hasn’t been there with the ‘high wage’ players you have.
Lights, camera… ACTION!!
The door opens, in walks Paul Jewell dressed as a handyman with a toolkit
Seventies lounge music in the background
“I have come to fix the washing machine….”
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