Monday, February 27, 2023

Premier League Match 24 - Leeds 1 Southampton 0

 

Ruben learning that 'Never Change a Winning Team' is Bullshit

The second game of the Ruben Revolution is another away trip, this time to Elland Road and Leeds United in a 19th versus 20th affair. This game would’ve been much more interesting if it had the additional sub-plot of Jesse Marsch managing against Leeds but after last week‘s win at Chelsea, I think we’re all glad he is not here, except maybe the Leeds fans who weren’t the biggest fans of Jesse Marsch by the end.

On that note, Saints gave Ruben Selles the job until the end of the season, probably trying to ride the wave of positivity from last week but also because they didn’t have a lot of choice.  There are of course pros and cons of doing it now.  A positive is that it takes away any uncertainty for the rest of the season but there is part of me that would have liked to have seen the game today and the Leicester home game before appointing, just to see if Chelsea was a flash in the pan.

Leeds have appointed a new manager this week in Javi Gracia, who was one of the multitude of managers who was at Watford for about half an hour. From what I remember, he did relatively well for a while before inevitably becoming yet another Watford statistic. Gracia inherits squad which looks pretty low on defensive quality and one that struggles in the goalscoring department. Not a great combination.

They have a number of half decent wingers and number tens but struggle to stick the ball in the net, mainly because Patrick Bamford has not hit the ground running following his lengthy time out with injury. Leeds are always very difficult to play against at Elland Road and the key today is playing the team in front of us and not the atmosphere. We managed this pretty well recently in very similar circumstances against Everton at Goodison Park.

Jessie Marsch started assembling Team America at Elland Road before he got sacked but I’m sure that the midfield today which is likely to be Weston McKennie and Tyler Adams, will be difficult to play against despite Marsch not being there.  Jack Harrison has always been one of Leeds better players and though he was linked away in the January transfer window, he is still there and will have to be watched this afternoon.  It’s the defence that we need to put under pressure though because it’s very average and the goalkeeper Meslier, is similar to Gavin Bazunu in that he is young, capable of the spectacular but also capable of the spectacular mistake, one of which he made at Everton last week when he left a gap as wide as the M1 between Sheffield and Leeds at his near post.

Whilst both Leeds (and Everton for that matter) will rely on the home form to keep them up, Saints are doing it the other way round at the moment with the four of the five wins this season being away from home. This gives some optimism for today but it also says that the next home game is coming up and is another significant hurdle for Ruben Selles to get over.

Away from the first team there was a decent bit of news in that Tyler Dibling signed his first professional contract, having reached the age of 17. Tyler of course had a bit of a wobble a few months ago and went off to Chelsea, before returning. His chastening experience wasn’t enough to stop Jimmy Jay Morgan making the same mistake and it would be interesting to know what Jimmy made of last weeks game at Stamford Bridge.

Team news and it’s the same starting XI as last week.  Hmmm, not convinced because today is a completely different assignment against a team with a lot less attacking quality than Chelsea.  Duje has made it back as far as the bench but there’s still no Sam Edozie.  So, positive today please lads and let’s get at them.

The opening few minutes is a bit worrying.  Leeds built down the left with Gnonto at the forefront and eventually puts in a cross which Bamford flicks his head at but doesn’t make contact with. It’s all Leeds as the half progresses with another Gnonto cross being flicked on in the middle with Luke Ayling taking time off from diving on the ground to take a swing at the back post and put it out for a throw in.

Stuart Armstrong finds himself on the left and bundles into a tackle which is somehow not given as a foul and away we go with JWP on the ball.  He switches it back out to Armstrong on the left who has continued his run and with it crying out for an effort at the far post, or squaring it across to the unmarked Tall Paul, he goes for the near post and it’s crap and scuffed wide.

Bednarek, fresh from being in Garth Crooks’ Team of the Week, loses it in midfield giving Maitland-Niles a hospital pass and when the ball bounces back to him and he has chance to make amends, he loses it to McKennie who gets to the edge of the box and luckily for us, gives Aaronson a shit ball behind him and Perraud manages to get a foot in.  Straight from that, we break up the other end with Sulemana skipping around a couple of players in midfield before feeding Tall Paul on the left hand side and he tries a ridiculously optimistic curling effort from 30 yards which Meslier sees all the way.  I don’t blame Paul at all for trying it as he’s hardly been passed a ball all game.

Leeds work a short corner as the half runs down because Gnonto has already proved he can’t kick a ball far enough to beat the first man.  This time the cross comes into the mixer from someone else and Baz decides to come to try and punch a ball he’s never gonna get and flaps it down to McKennie on the edge of the box but he shows dreadful technique when presented when faced with a simple lob into an empty net and puts it over the bar.

Half time and though I’m taking the piss out of Leeds’ ineptitude, the fact is that they are far better than us.  They are at least playing with some energy and intent and look like they want to win the game.  We are basically doing fuck all.  There are no ball-wins high up the pitch and there is no counter-attack or any other sort of attack.  It’s crap.  It’s 0-0 at best for us in this game unless we get a free-kick within 30 yards.

Bednarek Assists Leeds, Just Like He Did on the Goal

Away we go in the second half and it’s still mainly Leeds, with Bamford spinning into the penalty area and diving like a motherfucker over Bednarek.  I live for the day when retrospective punishment is handed out for attempts to con the ref.  Saints are still doing absolutely nothing as Leeds build up again and a long ball sees Bamford battle with ABK but dribbling a shot through to the goalkeeper.

On the hour mark, Ruben decides to do his triple substitution thing again and it’s the same three who come off with Tall Paul, Stuart Armstrong and Sulemana replaced with Mara, Walcott and Diallo. This means that JWP moves further forward.  More energy and less quality was OK when we were winning against Chelsea.  This time though, we’re looking for a goal with our creative players now being Walcott and Elyounoussi, with Mara up front.

KWP is on for Perraud and not Maitland-Niles, who has not even got into their half today.  KWP immediately gets to work blocking a Summerville effort after an easy cross by Aaronson was allowed into the box from the right-hand side. It’s a temporary reprieve though.

Bednarek has a chance to clear and doesn’t manage it and the ball eventually goes out to Harrison before eventually finding Summerville over in the left corner. He should be penned in the corner by AMN and Mara but neither bother to get close enough to stop a pass into Harrison who backheels it past the sleeping Diallo to Firpo.  Firpo half-hits a shot which Bednarek just stands in front of and makes no attempt to block and Bazunu dives over it and it rolls into the middle of the goal at 5 miles an hour. What a load of fucking shit.

Ruben then decides to put some pressure on Leeds by playing with 11 and Elyounoussi comes off to be replaced by Adam Armstrong, so there really wasn’t much point in that substitution overall.  Someone hands Elyounoussi a tracksuit top and a drink and he immediately gives them away to a Leeds player.

Courtesy of some flowing football, we then win a corner. I’m a course lying about the flowing football because what happened was that a Leeds player had a brain fart and headed back to Meslier who had another brain fart and knocked it wide for a corner. JWP‘s corner is too high for ABK and skims off his head but is the closest we’ve come to a goal in the second half in this vital six-pointer because we are a shit football team.

There’s one final break for Leeds as Rutter heads it onto Summerville who should square it to Harrison but takes the shot himself and it goes wide of the far post. The five minutes of injury time are spent exclusively in our half of the pitch as we do absolutely fuck all.  There is no desperation to get an equaliser, no shots, no balls into the box, nothing.  Pathetic.

Well, I thought we would have a chance of staying up if we won today but as it is, I am back to just accepting that we are going to go down and we are going to finish flat last in the table.  That was absolutely fucking shit today, to lose to that Leeds team in that manner was nothing short of pathetic. We didn’t create a fucking thing and didn’t look like we were going to even test their goalkeeper at any point.

Sure we battled well against what is let’s face it a piss poor Leeds team but when it came down to it, we coughed up the most pathetic of winning goals that you could ever see. About six mistakes in a row lead to Junior Firpo’s winner and to absolutely take the piss even more, he didn’t even hit it properly. He fucking scuffed it from 7 yards and our leader defender made himself as small as possible, blocked the view of the goalkeeper who then proceeded to dive over it. I can’t even begin to describe how shit that goal was from our point of view.

The midfield two of Lavia and JWP both had very good games, but they couldn’t get anything going further forward because the four players in front of them, were all shit. Stuart Armstrong had a game he will want to forget, constantly running with the ball until he got tackled and generally seeming disconnected from the rest of the players. I don’t think he got one cross into the box I can barely remember him passing the ball to those in front of him. Kamaldeen Sulemana is not a striker. One goal in 37 fucking games for his previous club tells you he is not a striker. He is a winger so play him on the fucking wing.  We broke our club record to sign him based on his performances on the wing… so I repeat, play him on the fucking wing.

Moi Elyounoussi, as everyone knows, is just dogshit when he has the ball. You can’t even see who is aiming at most of the time because his passing is that bad. It’s beyond pathetic. I know he does a job defensively but surely to fucking Christ we have to be better than that. The only forward player who I can excuse in any way is Tall Paul because he needs service. On a couple of occasions that we got into crossing positions, we managed to put it nowhere near him.

It’s yet another six-pointer style game that we’ve totally fucked and made it easy for incredibly limited opposition to walk away with the points by actually being worse than them.  Ralph away at Villa, Luton Jones at home to Nottingham Forest and now Ruben away at Leeds.  Three six-pointers against shit opposition on terrible runs of form and every time, we’ve set up not to lose, not preyed on their weaknesses and every time, we’ve lost 1-0, barely having a shot.  Every one of our three managers this season has yet to work out if we don’t have a go then defensively, we are never good enough to keep a clean sheet. You have to have an attacking threat at the other end otherwise the other team will eventually, no matter how bad they are, have loads of possession and will create a chance and we will produce a defensive fuck up and lose the game.

I can understand Ruben Selles going with the same team that got the result against Chelsea because that’s what 99% of managers do after a decent performance. However, this drives me nuts because today was a completely different assignment. We should’ve set out to go and take the game to them and win this game, rather than try to replicate what we did against Chelsea which was basically to sit tight, defend and hope we scored a free-kick.  We have 30 players in the first team squad?  Different players were needed for todays’ totally different game.  The triple sub also seems planned in advance.  Why?  Different situation in the game today because we were drawing rather than winning – unless of course Ruben decided he was happy with a draw with half an hour to go.  Whatever happened to bravery?

The bottom line is you are not going to win many games with some of these starting players. Bazunu can’t be relied upon, nor can Bednarek.  In Bazunu’s case, we forgive him because he’s young but the bottom line is he is not reliable enough to be a first choice goalkeeper in the Premier League at present. The best Leeds chance of the first half came after he came for a cross that he should never have come for and flapped it down to the edge of the penalty area for McKennie to lift it over the bar. Then there was the winning goal which he dived over the top of, though there was the mitigation of the clown in front of him.

Bednarek did the own goal dance against Wolves, then had a half decent game against Chelsea but it is always the case that another shit show is just around the corner and it arrived today. You won’t be getting in Garth Crooks venerated team of the week this week, will you Janny B? Two mistakes in 10 seconds almost gifted Leeds a goal in the first half and his lack of contribution to the only goal in the game was absolutely laughable. What’s the opposite of putting your body on the line?  Shrivelling up and hiding away.


Leeds about to regain possession

Those are the obvious two but what about Walcott, Elyounoussi, Stuart Armstrong, Maitland-Niles, Mara, Adam Armstrong, Diallo?  How many of those can string together 3 decent performances in a row?  Ask the same question about some of those who didn't get minutes on the pitch today like Djenepo, Lyanco and Aribo.

It’s not as if there aren’t options.  Caballero instead of Bazunu, Salisu or Caleta-Car instead of Bednarek. KWP instead of AMN, Sulemana or Edozie on the wings, Charly Alcaraz to break through from midfield.  We signed a 6 foot 7 centre forward who is what he is. He is good in the air and not particularly quick. Any big striker is like that with the exception of course of Erling Haaland. Play to his strengths, get down the sides and put crosses into the box. We managed two crosses in his general direction today and both of them were shit and sailed miles over his head. How can you miss a target that big by that much?

We are running out of games of course.  Ironically, and ridiculously, we are still not too far behind, due to the number of shit teams there are in the bottom half. We deserve to be 10 points adrift and absolutely dead but somehow we are not. Selles has to make some tough decisions on some of these players but if he waits another two or three games then that will be at least another couple of defeats and that will be the end of that.

Next up is Leicester at home and he has to pick a team with creative players to go out and win that game. If an hour before kick-off I find out that Elyounoussi has been picked in an attacking position again then I may well just stay in the pub. If we are to have any chance whatsoever, then the unreliables have to be ditched now.








Monday, February 20, 2023

Premier League Match 23 - Chelsea 0 Southampton 1

 

Ruben: Cool as F**k

What a week. With Nathan Jones put out of his misery on Sunday morning, it was widely accepted that Ruben Selles would be running the side against Chelsea and there would be no drama this week.  As it happened however, it was anything but quiet as it looked like a deal was agreed with Jesse Marsch and all that needed to happen was for him to rock up on Wednesday and sign the deal but for whatever reason, it didn’t happen.  Depending on who you talk to, we either dodged a bullet or we missed out.  The way I feel about it is that I had got my head round the fact that he was coming and was quite positive about it but now it’s fallen through and I’m kind of shrugging my shoulders, not giving a shit and just waiting for what’s next. To be honest, it’s got Ruben Selles for the rest of the season written all over it.

Personally, I don’t really have a problem with that. If it was October then I would have a problem with it because there is still a massive amount of the season to go. We tried to replace Ralph with a permanent manager in the shape of Jones and it was a total fucking clusterfuck, so much so that whoever comes next cannot be worse and they will not get blamed. The blame will be on Nathan Jones and on Sport Republic.  The saga with Jesse Marsch has reflect badly on Sport Republic again, whether it was their fault or not and it’s interesting to see Rasmus Ankersen coming under a bit of flak. 

When Sport Republic arrived, the word was that they were going to carry on in the background and let Martin Semmens run the club in the same way that he had been doing before but it’s clear now that Rasmus has taken a more front and central role and what happens when you do that is that you become responsible when things go wrong and you have to take shit as it’s thrown at you. I somehow get the feeling that Rasmus hasn’t had to deal with that so far.  The question regarding Rasmus is, what has he got when data doesn’t work?

Also, receiving shit on a daily basis is Graham Potter, who left a nice cushy job at Brighton to take over the Chelsea hot seat. It’s not as hot as it used to be because under the previous owner Roman Abramovich, he would undoubtedly have been fired by now. Maybe because Vladimir Putin isn’t paying the bills anymore, they have to think a bit before firing the manager. Only joking, Chelsea aren’t exactly shy at spending a pretty penny with something like £600 million having been spent since the arrival of Todd Boehly as the new overlord. There always seems to be something not terribly ethical about the way Chelsea do things and they have quite openly ducked under FFP rules by giving all their new signings eight year contracts which basically means the cost to spread out over those eight years and amortisation comes into play so if you sign a player for £80 million on an eight year contract, then only £10 million a year is going towards your FFP spend. It’s a loophole and of course, not what FFP was designed for.  The loophole is going to be closed but Chelsea seem almost triumphant that they’ve fucked everybody over with it. The story was building up quite a bit of traction until Manchester City‘s alleged financial doping became front-page news.

The bottom line is that Chelsea have got a ridiculously expensive squad that was pretty decent already and it’s now been supplemented by the likes of Argentinian World Cup winner Enzo Fernandez, João Félix, Noni Madueke and Mykhailo Mudryk. These players are all huge names with huge reputations but it’s still to be seen whether Potter or anyone else can make a team out of them.

Chelsea are of course one of only four teams we have beaten this season so it will be unlikely double this afternoon if we can pull it off.  Ruben was put in front of the press on Friday and what a breath of fresh air that was. Nothing but positivity and belief both in himself and the club.  I love the fact that he said straight off the bat that he wanted the job permanently and felt that he was ready. On the face of it that’s a dangerous thing to say when you’re trying to get a tune out of what has been a shitshow from start to finish this season but it’s a massive statement to say I can do this job and I can keep us up. Let’s see.

I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going get annoyed when I saw the line-up.  The first jarring name was Bednarek but then I noticed that Salisu was neither in the team or the squad so there was clearly an injury there.  Elyounoussi‘s name was not one particularly wanted to see but I can kind of understand it in an away game against one of the big clubs. There was a welcome return for Stuart Armstrong to the starting 11 and with KWP on the bench presumably not at 100% there was a start a right back for Ainsley Maitland Niles, in what is undoubtedly his best position.

There was undoubtably some interesting names not included in the 18. The Croatians were both absent which is interesting and sparks a conversation about exactly what was going on. There was also no place in the squad for James Bree, Sam Edozie or Joe Aribo.

Chelsea’s line-up was full of ridiculously expensive players but Mason Mount still gets a game. Ah look, Mount has his own banner in the crowd. Mason Mount, the boy who had a dream. Get to fuck you Skate Bastard.  Hardly John Terry- Captain, Leader, Legend is it?  Maybe ‘The Boy who hasn’t played well for a couple of years’.

Away we go and it looks like a 4-4-2 formation for us in a bit of a throwback to the Ralph days with Elyounoussi left and Stuart Armstrong on the right.  Saints have an early chance on three minutes as Bednarek and Maitland-Niles play out from the back with a ball finding JWP in the middle and his first time ping over the top of the defence gives Sulemana a chance to run and Badiashille makes a complete bollocks of it and allows Sulemana get ahead of him.   His shot is blocked well by Kepa and Stuart Armstrong hits the rebound from 30 yards and it’s kicked off the line. Decent effort, decent start.

The next time we win the ball it goes out to Tall Paul on the left and Koulibaly comes stamping in with a tackle, brushes the ball and catches Paul on the thigh.  This could well be a red card but it’s David Coote so it’s a yellow… for fuck‘s sake, how fucking high is that?

Teamwork is beating individualism at the moment and there’s another half chance when JWP intercepts on the left hand side and after Elyounoussi has run into a dead end in recycled it, JWP whips in across towards Tall Paul who has pulled onto Chilwell and he gets up above the left back and Badiashille and plants his header back the way it came and it drops just wide of the post.

The inevitable Chelsea threat comes when Perraud gives the ball away on our left to Madueke, who takes off before hitting a low shot which Baz shovels round for a corner.  ABK goes into the book for blocking a Fofana break and then Mason Mount does similar to Lavia and gets nothing.  David Coote ladies and gentlemen.

A feature of our play is the ball up to Tall Paul which he rather expertly is chesting down whilst holding off defenders before laying off.   Chelsea meanwhile, play some nice stuff to get through on the right hand side Azpilicueta drills into the side netting.


It's Happened Again

As half-time approaches we’re still just about the better side and Stuart Armstrong picks up the ball and runs from right to left before being upended by Azpilicueta on the edge of the box in prime JWP territory. Happy days, here we go.  It is remarkable how teams react when they give us a free kick in this area with players holding their heads and all sorts. With good reason of course as up steps JWP, up and over the wall and spearing down into the bottom corner before Kepa can get across. 1-0, get the fuck in.

Half-time – we can fucking do this.  Chelsea will undoubtedly bring on millions from the bench but if we keep our shape and some threat on the break, we can do this.  In the event there’s just make a couple of changes at half-time with Raheem Sterling and Wesley Fofana (£130 million between them) coming on to replace the other Fofana and Koulibaly (£40 million between them) – so a £90 million upgrade, divided by 25 years with amortisation…. Equals the FFP limit minus a tenner.

No alarms in the first quarter of an hour after half time and it’s time for Ruben Selles to make his first subs and off come all the forwards with Tall Paul, Sulemana and Stuart Armstrong off for Mara, Adam Armstrong and Walcott.
  Hmmm.. clearly giving up on scoring a second goal and just upping the energy in the press.  I’d have left Tall Paul on for sure.

Anyway, Havertz at £72 million comes or not long after and is immediately involved as Sterling picks him out on the right hand side and he returns the ball back to Sterling on the penalty spot he looks like he has to score but he reckons without Maitland-Niles throwing himself in the way.

More pressure as Badiashille volleys one down the left-hand side and Havertz knocks ABK over and his cross picks out Sterling at the back post and again he has to score as he heads it past Bazunu but Perraud has got back on the line to block it and as Sterling has another go, Lavia gets to him and it flicks off of Romeo and over the bar.  Big fist-pumping celebration things going on.  It’s great.  We ain’t letting this go today.


Yep, That's a High Boot

AMN plays a 1-2 with Walcott as we build up down the right and Walcott’s cross is met by Adam Armstrong but Kepa gets there at exactly the same time and it goes off for a corner.  JWP’s corner is headed out and back in and Mara takes off to try a scissor kick but succeeds only in booting Azpilicueta flush in the face.  Fuck, that’s a bad one. 10 minutes go by with Azpilicueta on the deck but he seems to be okay as he goes off on a stretcher. In amongst it all, David Coote has waved a yellow card at the clearly shaken Mara whilst Stamford Bridge yells for a red which to be honest, I’m surprised he doesn’t get.

£85 million Mudryk come on with Havertz and hasn’t been involved as yet and his first involvement is to knock the ball past Theo Walcott and then dive like a motherfucker to win a free kick on the left-hand edge of the penalty area as Chelsea look at it.  Joao Felix curls it goalwards predictably and Baz punches it away and Havertz picks up and gives the ball to Gallagher who bundles past ABK and shoots but Baz sticks out of strong arm to knock it away. From that, straight down the right-hand side with Walcott switching play to the left and putting Mara through but just as he looks like he’s going to burn off the last defender and have a shot at goal, in comes the tackle and the chance goes.  Can you imagine the Chelsea fume if he had scored?

90 gone, 12 to go for fucks sake.

Every minute in extra time feels like about five but they tick by without too many alarms until Chelsea win a corner on the right hand side which is slung into the mixer by Gallagher, headed out and Mudryk connects on the volley and it flies about a yard wide whilst we collectively shite ourselves.  I’m sure Todd expects him to get it on target for £85 million.  David Coote blows up.



Tall Paul Takes Everyone On At the Same Time

What a fucking win that is. Any win against one of the Super League Six is something to be celebrated massively but being bottom of the league, with a new manager, against a team of spent £600 million in the recent past, at their home ground - fucking inject it.

There were two sides to this performance.  The first half and the start of the second was about of being in their face and forcing them into mistakes and we did that superbly through the energy in midfield and upfront. The front two of Paul Onuachu and Kamaldeen Sulemana were a constant threat with their combination of power and pace, ably supported by Stuart Armstrong form the right.  I did have a bit of a sharp intake of breath when the first substitutions were made. Tall Paul is obviously our most physical player up front, Sulemana is obviously our quickest and most dynamic and Stuart Armstrong is probably our most intelligent and take them all off at once seemed a hell of a risk. but Adam Armstrong, Sekou Mara and Theo Walcott continued the hard work but obviously without the goal threat that the original three posed in the first half.  Ultimately, the end justifies the means.

Then the attention switched to the defence with AMN being superb at right back, ABK providing that a bit of insurance that pace at the back provides and Romain Perraud, of course cleared the Sterling effort off the line and celebrated like he’d just won the World Cup. Then there was Janny B, who I’m sure would not have played if Salisu was fit but he did all that was asked of him. In a back four he’s not so bad because he has to take responsibility.

Then we have the midfield.  Of course, we had a JWP free-kick and his normal work ethic around the park but the highlight for me was Romeo Lavia bossing that area against Enzo Fernandez. This is a 19-year-old kid playing against £105 million World Cup winner. Still, Enzo has the duration of his eight-year contract to try and get his own back.

Tall Paul in particular had a really good first half with his physical presence drawing fouls and on another day, Koulibaly woould’ve been sent off. When you can stamp on the blokes thigh and the guy is stood up and he’s 6 foot 7, that kinda tells you how high the challenge was. The referee however was David Coote who is not one of the ones you want when you referee when you play against one of the big clubs. However, he could also have deemed Sekou Mara’s attempted overhead kick as dangerous and sent him off for that as that was definitely high.

With today’s result and the Jesse Marsch fiasco during the week, I can’t see any way that we won’t appoint Ruben Selles for the rest of the season. He’s won his first game at Stamford Bridge and he actually wants the job, Press conferences were good and the players clearly want him to get the job. The key thing though is that he wants the job and he believes that he can get us out of the mess that we are in.

There’s not going to be any decent long-term bet managers who want the job at this moment in time because of where we are in the league and the relatively few games that are left and they won’t believe that they can get us out of it which is why they won’t take the job.

It will be interesting to see how Selles sets up for a home game where of course, our record is absolutely abysmal. I would imagine the likes of Charly Alcaraz for example, will more than likely feature in games where there is more of an onus on us to attack.

We did a job on Chelsea today. We were a team and they were a bunch of very expensive individuals. It is amusing in the extreme that they have spent the thick end of £600 million and can’t beat the bottom of the league Southampton at home. It just goes to show but no matter how much money you spend and how many FFP rules you take the piss out of, it’s still 11 against 11 and the best team will win. Thanks to Ruben Selles and the boys, we were the best team today but now we have to back it up and be the best team away at Leeds next week.

If we can win that one then I might start to believe that we have a chance of staying up. Today is a massive step in the right direction but we have achieved nothing yet.

Get the Fuck Over There and Keep Going

Wednesday, February 15, 2023

The Secret Diary of Nathan Jones aged 49 1/2 - Part 2

 



The Secret Diary of Nathan Jones aged 49 1/2 - Part 2

Wednesday: Metrics meeting today with Rasmus, who tried to tell me that one of my key metrics was 'verticality' - something about going from back to front quickly and accurately.  Maybe it’s the Danish to Welsh language barrier but we are clearly talking at cross purposes and I had to remind him that where I come from, a Welsh mining village, vertical means straight up in the fucking air and with the greatest respect, I'm the best in Europe at that. Did some media training that Rasmus said I had to go on after telling the truth at Brentford. The two main messages from the course were to "not make it all about me" and “less is more”. I am from a Welsh mining village where you have to work for everything you get and you don’t get anything if you don’t make it all about yourself. Thanks for the advice but I’ll do it my way, no compromise.
Press-day tomorrow.  Will be interested to see if any journos have the bollocks to bring up Neil Warnock’s criticism. With the greatest respect, I’m still not happy about that. Looking forward to the presser though as Chris Cohen & Alan Sheehan have offered to buy me dinner if I can say the word “potent”, ten times.
Thursday: Presser just focused on when I told my truth at Brentford. Everyone seemed mildly irritated. Tried to explain that I was taking responsibility. I thought that was obvious at the time, but those press bastards reckon they have direct quotes and video evidence. Clearly heard the local Echo journo force a sneeze and say 'bullshit' at the same time.  The Athletic says my xBullshit rating is one of the highest ever seen on any wagon wheel bicycle wheel spoke chart thing. Anyway, had a good go but I allegedly lost the potent challenge as they wouldn’t let me have “potency” which I used 5 times. Bloody ridiculous. It’s a technicality so I’m counting this as a win towards my win ratio.   No one asked but I took the opportunity during an unrelated answer, to talk about my playing career, when I was the fittest human ever in history. Statistically, I was well fit. Tino Livramento could learn from me… and that Armel Caleta-Kotchcar. Let it slip that Welsh women aren’t all that and only suitable for blokes from Wales, if they have no ambition to get out.

Played the Champions League on FIFA on the PlayStation at Staplewood.  Won it of course playing as Luton on 3-5-2 Direct.  Will make it the main lesson of training tomorrow. Semmens brought a leaving card round for me to sign because the media training officer has resigned. Friday: In training today, Tall Paul was shit at controlling balls pumped up the pitch from 70 yards away. He was trying to say he was only 6 foot 7 not 16 foot 7. Half a game in the Premier League and he’s telling me that. Would never have happened at Luton, not with Mick Harford to back me up. He’s proper hard, not like that Doug Croatia-Car who keeps making throat-slitting gestures at me in training for some reason. That new 22 million quid winger told me that he doesn’t want to play at wingback, which is an absolute fucking liberty. No one seems to understand that it’s not the Southampton way any more.  It’s the Nathan Jones way or the fucking highway. No compromise. Statistically, in Europe, it’s the best way. Spoke to a guy called Henrik today. I have no idea who the fuck he is. Told me that my department was not aligned to the other departments at the club. Don’t know what the fuck he was talking about to tell you the truth. Told him that it sounded like a ‘you’ problem and sent him on his way. I’m not compromising for anybody anymore. My xC is really low… everyone tells me it’s really high though. I don’t get it. xC is ‘expected compromise’ isn’t it? Generously offered the Croatian lads a place in the B team for tonight. Didn't know what they said but typed it into Google Translate and it might have been “go fuck yourself, you twat”. Saturday: Rasmus told me that he wanted more atmosphere in the ground today. I told him that we want less atmosphere as it’s easier for us to get the ball up in the fucking clouds if there is no gravity. I’m always trying to find that edge. My xEdge metric was off the scale in Europe when I was at Luton. No compromise today, so five at the back and I picked Janny B again. ROFL. From him right through to a 7 foot centre forward, I can now see myself in this team. Just to keep everyone on their toes I’ve picked seven attackers out of nine on the bench. No room for Doug Croatia-Car or Massive Ostrich again who with the greatest respect, should’ve taken me up on my offer to play for the B team yesterday.  Picked Theo Walcott again because like me, he was the fittest human being ever, back in 2006.
They lost 2–1 lolz. Wolves had 10 men for an hour which made it harder.  The “Janny Bree” wall of steel did well though.  They would have got a point today but Ward-Prowse passed a last minute free kick instead of shooting.  Said to me afterwards that he was thinking about the bigger picture.  Dunno what he meant.

Used the Match of the Day interview to highlight how much of a detriment to them it was to play against 10 men statistically, especially when they play the Best of Europe brand of football that I favour.  They wanted to keep the ball and make Wolves work harder but I refused because I don’t want to compromise for anyone.
There was a crowd of possibly Welsh women shouting “get out of our club” as I left. They seemed upset about something.
Sunday: Got called into Rasmus office early doors. I assume HR are here cos this is to talk about the appointment of a new media training officer who is more in line with my vision for the role. Toby from Accounts looks like he's been crying and he has a cheque book with him.  Fuck knows why I have to be in here this early though. Surely it can wait.
Sacked. Smashed up the place. Chair through the window and all sorts.
Stunned. They won’t get anyone better than me, with my metrics.  HR want me to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Fuck knows why they needs that as I’m always very careful with what I say, I’ve got the “Keeping Secrets and Discretion” badge from the Welsh Mining Village Scouts..
Updated my LinkedIn profile with my win ratio. Included the game of FIFA I won at Staplewood playing as Luton, and the Wolves game yesterday doesn’t count because they only had 10 so it was more difficult.  The win ratio will be a vital metric for when I apply for Bournemouth job when it comes up next week, and the house I've just bought is down there.  

Deleting the Diary... if there's no evidence, it didn't happen.

With the Greatest Respect,
The End.


Monday, February 13, 2023

Premier League Match 22 - Southampton 1 Wolves 2

 


Maybe Bringing Janny B Back Wasn't the Best Idea

Wolves decided to replace the manager Bruno Lage at roughly the same time that we decided to do  the same with Ralph Hasenhüttl. The difference is that Wolves appointed a proper manager and Saints didn’t.

Since then, only one team has been heading in the right direction and it’s not us.  However, despite moving off the bottom of the league and putting ourselves there and moving up the table, Wolves are still in danger and or of course one of the teams we need to try and drag down, so today is yet another six pointer against a team around us.  Nathan Jones of course doing his best to use up all of these winnable games and I would find it amazing if he doesn’t win this one and he’s still in a job by the end of Monday.  For now though, we just have to hope that he gets it right today and given his word-salad at the end of the game last week, I anticipate a very attritional, very meat and potatoes Saints side out there today.

Over the past few years, especially since the injury to Raúl Jimenez, Wolves have always been short up front and struggled to score the goals that their usually excellent midfield warrants being scored.  They have signed a couple of new strikers there in this transfer window in Sarabia and Cunha and immediately went to work on Liverpool last week and won 3-0. They still have the excellent Ruben Neves in midfield and have supplemented the defensive unit by signing Craig Dawson to partner Max Kilman. Dawson of course is an unspectacular player and he did try and kick Che Adams head into orbit but he undoubtedly makes their defence better, replacing as he does the erratic Nathan Collins.

Another player Wolves have signed as a course of the legend in his own mind that is Mario Lemina. Mr Tonic like Leminade himself. Utter prick. You know, the worst kind of player who has all the ability in the world but is an absolute fucking waster. Apparently he played well last week against Liverpool so we will see how he gets on today on his big return to St Mary‘s.

This promises to be a very weird atmosphere today. You could easily be forgiven for taking the defeat today as long as it got rid of Nathan Jones. On Saturday at 3pm though, every one of us of Southampton persuasion in St Mary‘s will be hoping for that win to kick-start a highly unlikely looking escape bid.  That could happen of course but I would say it’s much more likely that we go behind at some point and we are in for another fucking grim afternoon. It will be interesting to see how Jones’ promise of going back to his own style will play out. If this is anything like the Nottingham Forest game I can see me walking out after an hour.

Personally, I think that if you’ve got to the stage where a manager’s job depends on one game, you already really know that he has to go.  Ironically, everything in Rasmus Ankersen’s vision is about the longer term but if you’re going to make a decision based on what happens today, you must already know that the long-term is fucked with the current set up.

Team news, looks like 5-3-2 with Maitland-Niles on the right with Bree as a centre back, preferred to both Caleta-Car and ABK.  Tall Paul is in, as is Kamaldeen Sulemana, I assume as the front two. The bench is weird, containing Caballero and Lyanco, along with seven attacking midfielders, wingers and strikers - Aribo, Stuart Armstrong, Mara, Adams, Adam Armstrong, Edozie and Walcott.  Batshit.

Even stranger, AMN is a right sided centre back with Bree at right wing back.  Anyway, a positive start with Sulemana bursting down the right flank and putting the ball across which goes all the way across to Perraud.   As per usual, he gets it on target but it hits Craig Dawson who clears it well.

Wolves first attack wins a corner on the right hand side but when it comes in it’s cleared up in the air and Alcaraz tries to bring it down on the edge of the box but he’s taken it out by Lemina who stands on his ankle. Tonic like a yellow card and deserved too, with only 6 minutes gone.

It’s pretty basic but we are looking a handful, with Wolves struggling to cope with Tall Paul up front.  You can tell that the defenders are not used to playing against someone quite that big.  He gets his head on a Perraud across and causes some chaos and from the resulting cross back to the edge of the box, Sulemana tries a snapshot which is just wide.  The new guys are looking good.

Wolves are certainly not shy of sticking in the foot in and Semedo leaves one on Perraud which brings another yellow card from Jarred Gillett.  In comes are free kick from JWP and Tall Paul makes a nuisance of himself with the ball eventually dropping to Alcaraz who has a swing and when it bounces back off a defender and comes back to him, he hits a first time snapshot which flies through the crowd, hits the inside of the post and nestles in the opposite corner.  Fucking hell, we are ahead. What the hell is Nathan Jones going to do with this unknown scenario?


This Boy is Gonna Be a Star

No need to change anything for now... just hit it up towards Tall Paul and then fight like mad for everything.  As one such ball drops, Lemina tries to run it out of defence with JWP and Lavia snapping at him.  We win it back and Perraud’s cross is cleared.  Neves and Moutinho are bitching around the referee and Mario comes running over and has his say, probably to get a picture looking like he cares on instagram … and gets a yellow card.  Hilarious.  Tonic Like a Red Card.  Looks harsh to be fair but off you go, dickhead.  However it has come about, we are now 1-0 up after half an hour against 10 men. The first thing to ensure is that we don’t end up with 10 men as well.

Whilst Wolves are still trying to adapt, we put a bit of pressure on as the half comes to a close with Perraud’s cross being half cleared and Bednarek shooting and seeing a shot deflected for a corner.

Half time and have to be happy with the position hat we are in.  Now we have to manage the game whilst still maintaining a threat and of course, don’t let them have a sniff.  They haven’t got near our goal so far with Baz’ involvement restricted to launching bombs up to Tall Paul or for variety, out to James Bree on the right to get his head to it.

Greased Up Body Building Sprinter Adama Traore is on for the second half and it starts encouragingly as Kilman‘s pass forward is intercepted and Saints break through Maitland-Niles. He tries to put Sulemana through but makes a mess of it but Kilman subsequently makes a mess of getting it back to the goalkeeper and Sulemana gets in and chooses to try and skip round Sa, who pulls off an excellent block with his hand.  The incident is right in front of me and the bloke behind me, who is a fucking moron on a weekly basis, actually makes my ears pop appealing for a penalty for what was a very clean challenge.

Dunno who this player is we’ve got instead of Maitland-Niles but he plays a great ball down the side for JWP whose pull back finds Sulemana and he throws himself at it and heads wide.

With that the game just begins to turn a bit.  We seem to take a step back towards our own goal and let Wolves have the ball.  They suddenly look more comfortable and our long balls forward are not connecting and we’re just giving them the ball back.  On 70, Bruno goes down the Wolves left and easily makes himself enough space against Bree to fire over a low cross.  Absolute carnage with Diego Costa trying to kick fuck out of everything including the ball and it eventually breaks to Adama Traoré who scuffs it goalwards there is Jan Bednarek to block the first effort and then do some wanky dance moves around the ball before knocking into his own net.  Need a goal, just get it in there and let Bednarek do it for you.  Fucks sake.



Bednarek Does The Wanker Dance

Jones make some substitutions at this point and it’s absolute fucking chaos because he’s taken Perraud off and brought on Lyanco but no one seems to know who the hell is playing.   The intention is for Salisu to go left back and AMN to move across and play four at the back but we wnd up with four centre backs and a right wing back as Wolves go down or left through Diego Costa and his low crossfield ball is met by Sarabia who can only put it wide but he looked miles offside anyway.  Everyone is looking at eachother and at the bench and performing the universal ‘WTF’ signal.

Looks like Bree is now right wing but he comes off along with Alcaraz, to be replaced by Aribo and Edozie. Sulemana is still our main threat down the right hand side and skips across the top of the penalty area before hammering in the shot with his left foot which goes just wide. The boy’s electric.

It’s a rare moment of intent from us though as there now only looks like one side that might win it and it’s not the team with one more player.  Wolves lob a hopeful ball forward, which Bednarek, under pressure from no one just cushions down into the midfield. Maitland-Niles and Sulemana end up facing each other and neither go for it, Wolves win it back through Gomes.  His first effort is blocked by the turned back of Bednarek but the rebound drops kindly for him to cushion volley into the net. For fuck‘s sake.

We have nothing.  Our one attacking play of ‘launch it to Tall Paul’ is no longer possible and Jones has moved Sulemana out wide.  We have one chance in the last few minutes as Che Adams is chopped down on the edge of the box.  It’s right on the edge, to the left of centre and it’s JWP time.  It does look a little bit close but it’s never stopped him trying from there before but unbelievably, he passes it to the right to Maitland-Niles who tries to feed it into the middle and it gets cleared.  Mind blown.


Just when you think you’ve reached the bottom and you can’t possibly go any further, we manage to dig another layer down into the dirt. 1-0 up and playing against 10 men for an hour, courtesy of some mad refereeing and we still manage to fucking lose.

The first half was decent. Tall Paul was a complete nightmare for the Wolves defence to handle and Sulemana was all over the place and no one seem to know him was supposed to pick him up and even if someone did, he just sprinted away from them. The midfield three of Alcaraz, Lavia and JWP snapped into everything and the defensive unit was solid enough and meant that Baz didn’t have a save to make. Lemina getting sent off for what on the face of it, didn’t seem very much, certainly loaded things in our favour and of course we were already ahead by then due to Charlie Alcaraz’ first goal for the club.



Sent off for being the 3rd Player Round the Referee.  Mad.... but funny.

At the start of the second half, Lopetegui made a couple of changes and Wolves looks a lot better and began to look slightly more threatening, even though they weren’t peppering the goal or anything like that. We seemed to sense this and dropped back towards our own goal and from their first incisive attack, Bednarek end up doing the fucking wanker dance and putting it on his own net.  It’s only taken him three games back from his loan spell to do that to be fair.  That goal was built up down our right hand side and the full-back made space against James Bree far too easily to get the cross in that caused the chaos in the box.

At that point Nathan Jones absolutely shit himself and the changes he made just made us immeasurably worse and the last 20 minutes were an absolute abortion of a performance which of course contained the winning goal for Wolves. Did I mention they only had 10 men?

Then a clusterfuck of a second goal, all set in motion by good ol' Janny B and his shit header.  How ironic it would be if the player no one wanted except for Jones, is the player whose fuck ups ultimately cost him his job.

Everyone who knows anything about football knows that the key to playing against 10 men is to pass the ball and make them run and starve them of possession as best you can.  Make them run, wear them out.  We of course are set up to go direct with no regard for possession so Wolves couldn’t have picked a better team to play against with 10 men.  You often hear about teams practicing against 10 men in training, making the pitch as wide as possible, moving the ball quickly, keeping possession and all that.  Do we practice it? – I bet we don’t.  With Jones making an absolute bollocks of the substitutions, compare and contrast with Lopetegui, who made two changes at half-time which completely changed the performance from Wolves and Adama Traoré and later sub Gomez were responsible for the two goals.

Jones’ substitutions were of course limited by Jones‘ choice of substitutes in the first place, having as he did seven attacking players on a nine man bench. This is why he ended up bringing Joe Aribo on as a number six when the game was slipping away from us. The mad selections on the bench were also compounded by weird selections from the start. Maitland-Niles playing as a centre back instead of Caleta-Car was interesting but to be fair the Arsenal loanee did really well until the second goal. James Bree at right wing back is in the team solely because he is good in the air and can head down all the diagonal long balls that around towards him. He doesn’t offer much as a defender (3 goals at Brentford and one today down his side) and he offers even little as even less as an attacking right back with his crosses never reaching and just scudding along the deck. He looks like he would be a decent backup player but no more than that without a lot of improvement.

There were some positives today in the way we played the first half. Tall Paul Onuachu was decent upfront and has a decent touch and Kamaldeen Sulemana was electric and caused no end of problems but he needs to get some end product in his game of course.  The midfield three looked excellent as well.

I’m sure there is part of Sport Republic that would’ve liked Jones sacked before he faced another interview but that didn’t happen so we had to put up with him coming out with the usual bollocks about how playing against 10 is difficult. Yes mate, it’s difficult if you don’t keep the fucking ball.  He repeated his usual line about us being front-footed… yep, until we started running backwards towards our own goal.  Moron.

There is a decent team lurking within the Saints squad but it’s never gonna come out with this manager. We all know what our weakest link is and it’s time to say goodbye.  As I said at the top, Wolves appointed Lopetegui, the same week that we appointed Jones. They were one point behind us and now they are 8 points in front. Bottom line is, if we had appointed Lopetegui, we would be mid-table by now and if Wolves had appointed Jones, they would be flat last.

Sleep, Wake Up …. and he’s gone…along with Alan Sheehan and Chris Cohen. 

“Celebrate Good Times, COME ON”

Ruben Selles takes charge against Chelsea next week.  Well thank fuck for that.  I wouldn’t normally rejoice in three people losing their job but I’ll forgive myself here.  Jones has a little bit of every shit manager we’ve ever had.  The football philosophy of Branfoot, totally out of his depth like Wigley, Poortvliet and Gray and the delusion of Redknapp.  Like with all those guys – thank fuck he’s gone.

We are getting towards “needing a miracle” territory to not get relegated this season. It doesn’t look too bad in terms of points but somewhen very soon, we are going to have to string together a three or four-game winning streak or something like that and with the way we are going, that would actually qualify as a miracle.

This is shaping up so much like the 2005 relegation season in that we are using up all the games that we should be winning at home and the more difficult fixtures are coming now, starting off with Chelsea away next week. We will soon be on our third manager as well which is another parallel with that season

I don’t know who would want the job or who we could attract given the shit that we are in. I have a feeling now that Jones’ fate was decided by the Brentford interview and that Rasmus Ankersen has been working since then to tie down whoever is next, hopefull with a bit more thought than who looks good on a spreadsheet.  Let’s hope he gets it right this time after the unmitigated disaster of this appointment.  When Ralph left (and he needed to go) there was always the danger that we would get someone worse and we did but surely no one could be worse than Nathan Jones and even if they are, no one is going to point out anyone other than Jones, and the decision to appoint Jones as the reason we got relegated.

So, Chelsea away next week and the game against the team who are still attempting to gel following their splurge in the January transfer window. In the words of the late great Joe Strummer, the future is unwritten.