Six
winless games at the start of the Premier League season and today we have a
nice easy one with a trip to Stamford Bridge to play Chelsea. 7-Up anyone?
What are the pandemic and all that, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that
Chelsea started last season with Frank Lampard in charge and he was doing kind
of averagely. When Saints went to Stamford Bridge last year, Lampard was still
in charge and we left with a very creditable 3- 3 draw which we secured with a
last minute header from Jannik Vestergaard. It was a strange game because we
made Timo Werner, the German Shane Long, look good as he scored his first two
goals for Chelsea. The draw at home to Southampton was probably one of the
results that made Roman Abramovich pull the trigger on Chelsea’s all-time
leading goalscorer and replace him with Thomas Tuchel, who of course a few
months later won the Champions League. In the summer, he did a bit of transfer
business which meant that the German Shane Long no longer started every game
regardless, when he spent the best part of £100 million on the Romelu Lukaku,
complete with about 300 career goals against Southampton. Great.
Having added one of the planet’s best strikers to their Champions League winning
squad, Chelsea are certainly going to be contenders for everything they play in
this season. They replaced last years dodgy
Kepa (see what I did there) with Edouard Mendy and have a ridiculous amount of
strength all over the pitch, rivalled only in squad depth by Manchester
City. With thee addition of Lukaku they
are now looking similar to the relentless machine that they were under Jose
Mourinho in his first spell.
I mentioned the German Shane Long earlier on…. Well, we’ve got the real Irish
thing, still getting minutes in the Premier League in 2021, for fuck‘s sake.
Not his fault of course but hopefully doesn’t happen again today. I guess
there’s more of a chance of it happening today because Armando Broja can’t play
against his parent club. We’ve had some good news during the week that Stuart
Armstrong is back training with the first team and it would be great to see him
get on the pitch at some point today. I know that today is going to be mainly a
defensive effort but over the last few weeks I think we have all realised how
much better Stuart Armstrong is than all of the other players that we use in
the wide midfield positions.
As we became Chelsea-on-Sea during the summer, it’s an interesting game because
it sees the return of Tino Livramento to Chelsea. That certainly gives the
media an angle but it’s quite simple… he left because he wanted to play
football and didn’t fancy hanging around in the Under 23s for 3 years or going
out on loan to one of those Dutch or Belgian clubs that Chelsea own. End of.
We arrived here today having not scored for three matches and surprisingly,
Chelsea arrive here on the back of two defeats, I feel that they can be excused
though as one was against Manchester City at home last week and another was
away at Juventus in the Champions League in midweek and they scored in neither
game. Nice comfortable 0-0 draw coming up then.
Ralph’s done me again with the starting line up – out go Adams and Elyounoussi
and in come Tella and Walcott. Despite
being dragged on 45 and 60 minutes (for reasons non-tactical) in his last two
games, Bombproof Redmond is selected again and anyone got any idea who is up
front with Adam Armstrong? Hopefully
Tommy Tuchel doesn’t know either.
Chelsea’s line up worries me – they’ve gone with two right up top with
Lukaku and Werner. How we deal with that
will dictate how this goes. Your referee
today is Martin Atkinson, last seen deciding that Kyle Walker’s 100mph body
check with no ball involvement was clearly not a foul and he is assisted on VAR
by the one, the only Mike Bad Motherfucker Dean. Bring it!
You could say that we made a good start. We kind of did but it only lasted for
seven minutes. It’s a bit like saying that two opening batsmen looked good for
the first over before one of them has their stamps smashed all over the place.
Chelsea get a corner on our left hand side and over it comes, flicked on by
Loftus-Cheek and there is Trevoh Chalobah, all on his own at the back post to
head in, as easily as you like. Bollocks.
Not in our script. It’s mildly
interesting that Chalobah isn’t offside but Azpilicueta is and as the ball got
flicked on he was directly in front of the goalkeeper.
Saints respond well with a decent build up on the left through KWP and his pass
infield is well controlled by Walcott, who tees it up for JWP to smash from 25
yards but it skids just past the post.
A shot from Loftus-Cheek goes just wide before we are back on the attack again
with KWP taking a return ball from Tella and driving past Chalobah before
firing over a cross which Walcott throws himself at but he can’t get a worthwhile
touch.
It looks for all the world that we are 2-0 down straight afterwards as Rudiger
takes time off from being an uncompromising hard bastard and mazy’s his way towards
our penalty area before sliding a ball in between Livramento and Bednarek for
Lukaku to take one touch and drill across McCarthy into the net. Flag up and we’re off for a chat with Mike
Dean.
“Hello Mikey”
“You know that PGMOL have spoken to me right?”
“What about Mikey”
“They said, the next time I’m involved in a game with these Soft Southern
Bastards…”
“You were to try and not make it obvious – you put in the WhatsApp group with
the incriminating photo of Jon Moss”
“Yeah, I shouldn’t post when off I’m off my tits – problem is that Lukaku is in
my fantasy team as captain”
“What’s it called this year Mikey?”
“Same as always Atko – Mike Dean is A Fucking Legend”
“Anyway Mikey, lino’s flagged…”
“Pisses me off… doesn’t matter, The Soft Southern Bastards are shit – Big Rom
will score today”
Offside it is…
If you want an idea of how good Livramento is then the next Chelsea attack told
you everything you need to know. With Saints having coughed up possession on
the edge of the Chelsea penalty area, Chelsea broke with Rudiger sending away
the rapid Hudson-Odoi on the left wing. He barrelled into the penalty area but
then back came Livramento to time the challenge superbly and stop the shot.
Brilliant defending.
It doesn’t take long though for Chelsea to have the ball in the net again
though as Azpilicueta wins it off KWP plays a 1-2 with Lukaku before eventually
crossing to the back post, where Hudson-Odoi retrieves it and sends it back
into the mixer for the German Shane Long to head home. Saints are complaining about something, I have
no idea what and we’re off to talk to Mike Dean again.
“Hello Atko… me again”
“Always nice to hear from the legend Mikey”
“It’s like this Atko… there was a foul on Peter-Walkers”
“When was that?”
“Fucking ages ago but I’ve got money on Tommy Tickle throwing a shit fit at VAR”
“I suppose Saints didn’t have time to reset”
“Oh they did but they were all over the fucking place”
“It’s a grey are isn’t it Mikey”
“Certainly is Atko and I love those – gives me a chance to be the centre of
things”
“Tommy’s going to go mental…”
“Yep, and it’ll be hilarious seeing Werner having another goal chalked off”
“Let’s fucking do it”
Disallowed for a foul on KWP early on in the move. I am actually amazed we have got away with
that. Tommy Tuchel is throwing a shit
fit and gets a yellow card for his histrionics.
Bell end.
We get half-time without any further alarms or any further visits to Mike Dean
and as we emerge for the second half, Ralph has rolled the dice and improved
the team with removing Walcott and decided to play with 10. Not really…. on comes Diallo and it looks like
Romeu is dropping into the back three so we are now playing the exact same
formation as Chelsea. Some confidence to
assume we’ll play it better than they will.
After an early daisy-cutter from Werner, Saints actually start to look decent and we are getting some pressure on the ball and getting further up the pitch. Diallo is at the centre of things, spreading it out to Livramento on the right hand side and he is one-on-one with Chilwell. The Saints man takes him on and the England full-back dives in like an absolute park player and carts him up in the air. I’m not even worried about big club home town biased bollocks going on here. There’s no referee anywhere in the world that wouldn’t give that as a penalty. Up steps JWP and with Mendy jumping around side to side, JWP waits until Mendy’s weight is all on his left foot and then passes into the opposite corner of the net. Confident penalty and 1-1. Will that just make them angry I wonder?
Yes it will and Lukaku holds off Bednarek before back heeling into the path of the German Shane Long, who looks set to score as he reaches a penalty spot and he picks his spot but it happens to be a spot that McCarthy can reach and the keeper claws it away. Brilliant save.
Time for another sub with Djenepo coming on for the slightly disappointing Tella with 15 minutes to go. Will Saints pressing high, Mendy plays a shit ball 10 yards to Jorginho on the edge of the box and JWP launches in to try and win it but catches the Italian/Brazilian at the exact moment that a sniper sat on the top floor of the Chelsea hotel pops a cap into Jorginho’s ass and he simultaneously dislocates his spine. Martin Atkinson gives a yellow card but it’s time for the Mike Motherfucking Dean show again.
“I fucking love this one Atko – it’s perfect. I’ve given them two so this one’s free”
“Is it clear and obvious though Mikey?”
“It’s clear and obvious that Jorginho is a massive twat”
“Yeah but… he was the one fouled”
“Can you hear that sound Atko?”
“What sound Mikey?”
“The silence Atko, the silence… that’s the whole world wondering what I’m going to do”
“And what are you going to do Mikey?”
“Send you to the monitor so you can see that you were wrong”
“But I thought you were on their side today”
“PGMOL had a word mate but this is just too big an opportunity for me”
“Soft Southern Bastards Mikey?”
“Soft Southern Bastards Atko – send the bastard off!”
“Will do Boss”
And off he goes. Shit. 13 minutes plus injury time to hang on.
Elyounoussi has been warming up but there is no change as yet and it looks like Redmond has dropped into the centre of midfield and we are keeping the back three. I think I’d rather put Romeu back in midfield and go 4-4-1 myself but there you go.
Chelsea have sent on Ross Barkley for Loftus Cheek and he is involved straight away, picking up the ball in the inside left channel and pinging a wonderful flat-trajectory ball over to Azpilicueta on the right. He sidefoots it across the penalty area first time and even the German Shane Long can’t miss that one. Brilliant goal. Shit.
We all know we’re not coming back from that and the only question was if Chelsea would score again. Mason Skate Bastard has come on and gets in one on the right hand side and fires it across to where Lukaku manages to hit the post from about 3 yards, with the ball rebounding to Azpilicueta, who manages to hit the bar from about 3 yards and it pings over to the Chelsea left where Ben Chilwell produces a ridiculous left-footed volley to smash it at the near post with McCarthy acrobatically clawing it away. Oh dear, Martin Atkinson‘s watch it’s telling him something and it isn’t that time is up…. and the goal is given. Brilliant effort by Macca but 3-1 it is.
Well that’s the end of that. We can’t really have too many complaints. Of the key incidents, the red card is probably correct and the second Chelsea goal which won the game is basically a brilliant goal that we really couldn’t do much about and was a testament to the quality that Chelsea have got in their squad.
Like I say, you can’t have too many complaints about the red card. It’s annoying because it only comes about because Mendy plays a shit ball into Jorginho, so JWP is entitled to go for it but once he goes for it, he is very late and Jorginho has already flipped the ball away. Jorginho doesn’t help of course, folding himself in half backwards and screaming like a baby pig but once Martin Atkinson went to the monitor at Mike Dean’s behest, JWP was always going to end up walking. Once that happened it was always going to be a case of whether Chelsea could find a way of breaching our very resolute defence and that’s what they did.
I was getting really irritated in the first half because we had absolutely no goal threat past the edge of the penalty area. We had a shot from JWP from the edge of the box and the KWP cross which Walcott couldn’t quite connect with but otherwise, there was absolutely nothing with Tella, Redmond and Walcott producing absolutely nothing and Adam Armstrong again proving that his game is not suited to playing as a lone front man. Once we scored with the penalty, all of that was kind of forgiven and it look like the end might justify the means…. but not to be.
There are questions though. Why is Bombproof Redmond immune to being left out? In the last two games he’s been subbed on 45 and 60 minutes but he still the first name on the team sheet. Nathan Tella was behind Shane Long, ridiculously, last week and suddenly he is starting. Elyounoussi gets dropped despite being easily the best of our wide players over the past few weeks (it’s a very low bar, admittedly) and Theo Walcott, on the back off I don’t know what, goes straight into the starting 11.
I thought all the defenders were excellent today. Salisu and particularly Bednarek, kept Lukaku as quiet as anyone is going to keep him this season and KWP and Livramento did decent stuff at both ends of the pitch. Though he let in three goals, Alex McCarthy was more or less faultless throughout and made some ridiculous saves that he had no right to make and Oriol Romeu again showed that centre back is where he is going to end up playing as he gets a little bit older.
It seems that we are the only team that the German Shane Long can score against. Even when presented with an open goal from that brilliant cross by Azpilicueta, Werner nearly managed to miss, hitting it straight under McCarthy. The German Shane long now has seven goals in 41 Premier League games for Chelsea and three of those goals have been against us.
Losing 3-1 to Chelsea it’s not really an issue because it is what we expected from today but losing JWP for what will probably be three matches was not part of the script, especially bearing in mind we still haven’t won a game and the next three are all winnable. We have only scored two goals from open play all season in the Premier League and JWP’s suspension will probably mean that Bombproof Redmond to stays in the team to take free kicks and corners.
Tommy Tuchel is obviously a very good manager but he seems to be a bit of an arsehole. I can’t imagine many of his players actually like him too much. I also expect that he doesn’t care. Fair play to him for using one of his forgotten players because it was Ross Barkley who changed the game today in their favour once the red card happened. His rant about the disallowed goal that Werner scored in the first half is ridiculous. I know play went on for a while before the ball ended up in the net but Chelsea won the ball through a foul and Saints never got another touch until the ball ended up in the net, so how can you complain about that? You can argue that it was too long after the foul but there’s no time limit on it so sit down.
Ralph is under pressure now but not from today in isolation. Today we lost to the Champions League winners from a few months ago. Ralph is under a bit of pressure now because the run of very difficult games at the start of the season has now finished and we have failed to pick up a surprise win. The next five games of Leeds, Burnley, Watford, Villa and Norwich, are games that you would think we have to pick up about ten points from. There are no free hits in those games and they are games where he has to pick a side that will create chances and be a goal threat, Regardless of how those teams play against us. The wide players that he picks in those games have to be in the team because they are more likely to create a goal at the other end of the pitch, rather than for their defensive capabilities. For example, Armstrong might not be as good defensively as some but he is infinitely more likely to create something for the strikers or score a goal, so Armstrong has to play.
Before Leeds, it’s yet another international break. We’re going to start having sodding international breaks at half-time soon, which is probably part of Arsene Wenger’s master plan to Re-Monitise… sorry, I mean revolutionise World Football.
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