Premier League Match 10 - Southampton 0 Newcastle 0

New Merchandise Available from the Saints Megastore

Well we’ve got to win this one. We need to prove that there are three teams worse than us in the division and even if we only win six games all season as long as they are the two against Newcastle, Cardiff and Huddersfield, it should be enough to keep us up. Today is the first of those 6 cup finals and it is against the team probably in the most disarray and we are at home. We really have got to win this one.

There comes a point with every football club that has a shit owner and cuts every corner imaginable and just expect the manager to keep pulling miracles out of his ass, when it all comes crashing down. It appears that Rafa Benitez talent of making a silk purse out of a sows ear are now not proving enough to balance out the Mike Ashley shit show from the boardroom. Rafa must wake up every morning and wonder what the fucking hell he’s done to deserve this. A Champions League winning manager and someone who managed Real Madrid. I know there have been some criticisms of his signings but are crap signings the managers fault much these days? This was a club that was so morally bankrupt at boardroom level that Alan Pardew, hardly a paragon of virtue himself, decided to quit because he couldn’t take it any more.… And they employed Dennis fucking Wise and gave him an important job.

Mark Hughes is still being very positive in his press conferences stating that the performances are nearly where we need them to be-newsflash Sparky, they’re not. He’s also saying that top 7 might be difficult but top 10 is achievable-newsflash Sparky, it’s achievable but it isn’t going to happen. It’ll be interesting to see how positive he is about things if we don’t manage to beat Newcastle.

Saints line up is predictably the same as it was against Bournemouth last week with the only change being Romeu in for the ill Hojbjerg.  The one change that should have been made was anyone for Charlie Austin but he’s in the side, having had a dig at negative supporters on social media.  I assume we’ll get a 90 minute performance out of him today then instead of the waddling half-arsed shite he served up last week.

One thing is immediately obvious and that is that Newcastle are barely going to commit a player out of their own half.  Muto up front is going to run around a lot, Perez is going to dive around a lot and as long as we don’t give Shelvey time to play, this game should be all about us and attacking.

It should be 1-0 on 5 minutes.  We build on the right, Redmond crosses and Lemina produces a horrible shank off a shot but it puts Elyonoussi clean through.  He produces a wanky chip when he should have passed it across to where even Austin couldn’t have missed from.  Dubravka comfortably saves what was neither a pass or a shot.  Bollocks.

The best Newcastle have is from their fans on Mike Ashley.  I’m not 100% sure but I don’t think they want the Fat Cockney Bastard at their club anymore.  Their mood was under no threat of worsening as Austin picked up a half clearance from Lascelles and tries a long ranger at the near post which any goalkeeper would save.  Redmond has the next shot as Ings attempts to bollocks the move by passing behind him by Nathan still manages to dig it out and fire over.

More chances come and go in the first half – Redmond to Bertrand and a near post defelecting by Lemina which hits the outside of the post.  Then Elyonoussi produces a promising burst from the left, cutting in but curling a shot wide.  The last action of the half is a corner swung in by Bertrand a header from Stephens which once again is comfortably pushed away by Dubravka.

You can’t say we haven’t had chances but somehow it has still been incredibly boring and Newcastle’s average defence has been very comfortable.  Whatever happened to concerted pressure?

The second half is clearly going to be the same as the first  Redmond plays a 1-2 with Ings and sees a low shot comfortably saved and then the only thing more predictable than us not winning happens, someone calls time at the bar and off waddles Charlie Austin for a last beer before hitting the kebab shop on the way home, after a hour of keeping his side of the bargain with the fans. Tosser.

Gabbiadini is on and Lemina has a dig from long range which is a decent hit but always going over.  Hughes is again positive with Romeu and Elyonoussi being replaced by JWP and Long with JWP going into the centre of midfield.  It really is a bit late but straight away we look more progressive but time is running out.  Lemina wins the ball and feeds Gabbi who produces a superb turn and finds Cedric overlapping – a good pull back along the top of the box … Shane with a free shot from 15 yards, 25,000 people including other Saints players with head in hands.

It takes a turn for the farcical as Gabbiadini, with three options to pass to, tries a shot from Bitterne Park which flies into orbit and we have one last chance with a  free kick fromt out on the right.  A brilliant delivery from JWP and Stephens can’t decide to kick it or head it and eventually does neither.  Another 0-0.  Fuck sake.

It’s very tempting to write “there is nothing to say“ but I will try to sum up what I have just watched. Newcastle came from a draw like we knew they would and they were fucking dreadful in terms of entertainment but they got what they came for. All you can do against teams like that is to keep things at a high tempo and put their defence under lots of pressure. We did it in little patches but as usual, even putting together a concerted 15 minutes of lively attacking play was beyond us. Last week I had issues with Hughes starting 11 but his substitutions were fine. Today I only have one issue with starting 11, Charlie Austin and more on that later. Today, the substitutions were average at best. Gabbiadini for Austin had to happen because Austin was a) injured and b) shite. JWP for Romeu was the right call but it should have happened 20 minutes before did and of course, allowing Benitez to put Shane Long on as an extra defender wasn’t the right call.

We have two strikers who are completely not fit for purpose. Charlie Austin is an embarrassment to the club and probably to the Premier league as well. He has to be the most unfit player to have played in the Premier League. Last week he actually had the nerve to come out and criticise the fans for not having blind faith 100% of the time. You can fuck off mate, you absolute waste of space. That bloke has had a full pre-season in which he could have addressed his obvious fitness problems. Someone from the club should have made him do it, cancel his holidays and making get fit enough to do his fucking job. Rumour has it the Nathan Redmond spent all summer in the gym making himself physically stronger because he thought it would help him in the season ahead. Assuming that’s true, that’s a great attitude. Doing fuck all except beer and kebabs like Austin has obviously done, is the complete opposite. Playing him from the start, as discussed before is a complete waste of time and a waste of a substitution that you have to make. If Mark Hughes can’t see that then you have to wonder what the fucking hell he’s doing during the week.  Playing Austin from the start doesn’t just mean we’re playing with 10, in fact means we are playing with 9 because Danny Ings has to play 20 yards deeper so he is further away from goal and not really a goal threat. By playing Austin we basically put all our eggs in the ‘Charlie Austin four years ago’ basket and guess what? He isn’t the player he was four years ago when he was rattling them in for QPR. He’s not even the player was at the start of last season. Since the 5 month hamstring injury last season he’s been a fucking useless pudding.

Shane Long. Is anyone surprised? A glorious chance to win the game in the 90th minute just by doing what the strikers practice before every game - taking a pass from the side and hitting it first time in to the net. We will for a minute gloss over the detail that he misses 99% of his shots in the warm up but the fact is that they practise it all the time for when that scenario arrives during a game. I actually feel sorry for him. The poor bloke is absolutely shot to bits with no confidence whatsoever and it’s almost cruel to keep putting him in the first team. He needs to get confidence from somewhere, maybe the U23s or whatever but trying the same thing time and time again just isn’t working.

Talking of which, a lot of Saints fans seem to have it in for JWP. If you can’t see that we looked much more likely to score in the 15 minutes that he was on that every other 75 then you really don’t know much about football and I question both your eyesight and your sanity. We have to find a place for him in the starting 11. We are desperate for goals and he’s our best set piece taker. Would he really detract elsewhere? Would he really offer less than Elyonoussi? Would Sam Gallagher and Michael Obafemi be worse than Long and Austin? We have Stuart Armstrong not even in the team. Would giving Hesketh a go really have been worse?

On the face of it, the football side of the club from the players we’ve signed down to the way we utilise the ones we’ve got, to the ones we loan out that we shouldn’t have, to the ones we loaned out we should’ve sold. It’s all wrong. We have a bloated squad full of average squad players. We could probably put two 11s out that would be more or less exactly the same ability which is why we do well in the League Cup. We can rest 11 players and it doesn’t make much difference to our team where is with other teams there is a distinct drop off. Today we were missing Hojbjerg, one of the few that is a big loss, has become our most important player and I think it showed today, well though Oriol Romeu completed.

Today, we should have won. We were the better side and we created enough chances. However, our strikers just aren’t good enough. If you’d persist with playing two up front and it is not Ings and Gabbiadini, then Hughes is as big a fraud as Pellegrino. To be honest I don’t think the majority of this shitshow is Hughes fault but I don’t think anyone can have the opinion that he is getting the most out of the resources he has available.

There is no way that the board will be wanting to fire another manager and admitting that they have fucked up for the third time in a row - not yet anyway. I think Hughes will certainly get the January transfer window when the recruitment and probably more importantly, the letting go will have to be spot on.

There is an apathy and disinterest in the fan base. Personally, I’m kind of in the ‘shrug your shoulders’ camp. I watch the games and they are in the main fucking boring with nothing to get you excited and I look at the clock sometimes and it says 35 minutes of gone and I can’t remember anything of note that happened in the previous 25 minutes. It’s like I’ve been asleep. Some people I know who have been supporting Saints for many years are getting to the point where they just don’t give a fuck anymore and the cost to the club is going to be in hugely decreased season ticket sales for next season.  Season Ticket Plus… My Arse.

Next up, was the chance to give our bloated squad of senior pros a game against Leicester City in the League Cup but as everyone knows, the tragic helicopter crash that happened at the King Power Stadium on Saturday night means that the game is postponed. I feel a bit of a dick getting irate about a wanker like Charlie Austin when things like this are going on so enough of him and here’s hoping that Leicester City recover from the loss of their Chairman and that the families of those affected are allowed to grieve and can find their own peace.

Premier League Match 9 - Bournemouth 0 Southampton 0

No, It's Not Dropping In

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a club on the South Coast that was getting things right on the pitch. Other clubs looked at them and admired what they did and the media wrote positive articles about them.

For Southampton 2015, now read Bournemouth 2018 and fair play to them. On the face of it, with a squad of unremarkable players, they’re achieving great things and currently sit sixth in the table. It won’t last but they will comfortably finish in the middle bracket and be no way near the arse end of the table where their South Coast neighbours will sit. It’s quite crazy that club with a capacity of 11,000 can be this high in the Premier league but that’s the Sky billions for you and the decreasing reliance on match going supporters. There’s been a lot of talk recently about Bournemouth‘s new ground being delayed / cancelled and from a sustainability point of view, you could argue that they don’t actually need a bigger ground these days. I guess they are more vulnerable if the Sky bubble bursts but that doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon. The shame is that young Bournemouth fans growing up won’t be able to go and see the team play which makes them more susceptible to losing young fans to the big six and maybe they’ve lost a few to Southampton because you can get in to watch us ... because we have a relatively big ground... and because for the moment at least, we are shit. I have no sympathy for older Bournemouth fans didn’t bother going when they were in the lower reaches of the league when they used to average about 4000 fans a game. I used to think that they would struggle to replace Eddie Howe but to be honest, I don’t really see him going anywhere. None of the big six will ever appoint a young English up-and-coming manager so that leaves the question, would he go to a club like a Newcastle or an Everton? Being the character that he is, I really don’t think that he would and I kind of hope he stays put because it proves that not all managers are complete shit houses.

During our recent golden period, we signed good players from bigger clubs reserve teams and found diamonds overseas. Bournemouth on the face of it, overpaid for Nathan Ake from Chelsea at £20 million but what a good player he looks. Needless to say, Bournemouth are beginning to see the other side of things which is that you can’t be a small club doing well for too long before your players get linked with moves away (Ake to Spurs is a recent one) and before you know it they’re in a hotel room in Blackpool with Jurgen Klopp and the Liverpool-centric media will be encouraging you to move. It’s a horrible fucking game sometimes.

If they keep their current form, the likes of Josh King and Callum Wilson will be on the radar of the traditionally bigger clubs as well so it’s a whole new ballgame for Bournemouth to have to deal with. Still, they are not all about star players. They are about knowing the system but they play and playing as a team. They play attractive attacking football in the main and what’s not to like?  They’ve won games scoring 4 and lost conceding 4 this season.  It’s better than 0 and maybe 1 every week.

The two week international break, far from giving people two weeks off and a chance to calm down, seems to have brought a new level of entrenched misery to the Southampton fan base as any sort of message on social media from the club is met with mass derision.  Mark Hughes is beginning to bring some of that on himself and today’s team selection on the face of it looks dodgy again.  Stephens has been recalled to partner Hoedt, with the in my opinion, better pairing of Vestergaard and Yoshida being on the bench.  Whilst I can live with the centre backs, I can’t really live with Charlie Austin up front.  Cue the sweepstake on what minute he’s going to be taken off.  He even looks fat and unfit before the game kicks off.  If anyone can be bothered – when was the last time Charlie Austin played 90 minutes?

Bournemouth start well and we’re on the back foot and panicking straight away.  Last years diving cheat Adam Smith makes a run from left back and ends up in the centre forward position, causing carnage along the way and he tries to latch on to Wilson’s cut back but gets his feet all wrong and the danger is cleared.

Saints grow into the game after the initial scare and what we have here is two evenly matched teams, set up the same so it’s going to be about individual battles, the main one being in the centre of midfield with Hojbjerg and Lemina against Lerma and Lewis Cook.  Saints main tactic appears to be chipping the ball over the Bournemouth centre backs and hoping Ings can latch onto it.  It’s ok when it works but when the ball forward is over or under-hit it just looks shite.  Hojbjerg gets one right after decent play from Stephens and chips over Ake but instead of Ings, it’s gone to Austin.  Forward he lumbers, jinking in and out of the off licence to buy 8 cans of Stella before passing up a chance to shoot with the left foot, distracted by a kebab shop and with a deft extra touch, around Begovic, missing the last bus home and a goal kick.

There’s one sort of chance before half time when Hojbjerg has a go from long range and it takes a huge deflection off of Fraser and for a second it looks like it might be spinning in but it’s an optical illusion and Begovic just picks it up.  So unexciting are our games these days that I’m getting mileage out of optical illusions.  A half that will not live long in the memory comes to a close.  To be fair, we have defended well and the Bournemouth strikers have had even less of a sniff than ours.  With our immaculate record of defensive concentration over 90 minutes, I’m sure we’ll be fine.

30 seconds after the restart, Brooks crosses from our left and Stephens gets murdered in the air by Wilson and he heads narrowly wide.  Macca was struggling to get that if it was on target.  There’s another 10 minutes of nothing until Bournmeouth have another good chance with Stanislas going down the left and feeding Wilson whose pull back gives King an opportunity which he toe pokes wide in shite fashion.

Saints then wake up and realise that there is a very winnable game in front of them here.  Ings cuts in from the left and drills one at the near post which Begovic pouches with ease.  Lemina appears to have injured his knee and is having to go off and with no Romeu on the bench, it’s concerning to see Armstrong coming on.  Concerning because he’s not shown anything to suggest in can play midfield in a 4-4-2 but then maybe it’s a sign of positive intent from the manager.

Far from being restricted by Armstrong’s presence, Hojbjerg produced the best moment of the game when a patient move ends with Cedric’s cross being headed out and Pierre takes it on his chest and volleys towards the top corner but Begovic sees it well and pushes it over the bar with relative comfort.  Pierre really is our best player now.

This period of relative dominance for us, ends in the usual way with a corner and some shite marking, Stephens getting under the ball and missing it and a free header, from Ake which mercifully is straight at McCarthy.  Hughes takes the opportunity to take both strikers off but to be fair to him, two more are on with Long and Gabbiadini.

Unbelievably it nearly works.  Firstly, Smith pisses about and gets dispossessed and Hojbjerg overhits a ball to Long which meant he was saved the embarrassment of fucking it up.  Football has broken out on the pitch and we’re suddenly stroking it about – one side to the other in controlled fashion in Hojbjerg pings a long ball out to Cedric.  His cross is well won at the back stick by Long and he heads down the Armstrong, 6 yards out.  He has to score.  A touch on the chest to bring it down but with Begovic flying out at him, he basically shites his pants and plays and airshot.  Fuck sake.

Eddie Howe has settled for a draw and brings on Gosling in midfield and takes a striker off but then the key moment.  Redmond on the the right hand side pulls out one of the best crosses you could ever wish to see.  Over it comes, taking out the keeper who misses it and straight onto the head of Gabbiadini behind him.  All he has to do is cushion it into the empty net….  Onto the roof of the net.  Fuck.  We’d have taken a point at the start but we should have won.

For all the doom and gloom before the game, including my own, how the fucking hell have we not won that?  We were the better side pretty much from the start until the end, had all the decent chances and managed not to win. For me, it proves that no matter what position the teams are on the table, the Premier League outside of the big six is pretty average and you should be looking to beat every other one of the teams regardless of where they are in the League table.  Bournemouth are currently sixth.

Considering how average we have been for the last few weeks, I thought Bournemouth were absolutely piss-poor and could not have complained in the slightest if they had lost. Though I had issues with Hughes starting 11 today, his substitutions were all positive. He replaced Lemina with Armstrong after the injury and kept two strikers on the pitch at all times whilst Eddie Howe was taking off a striker and putting on a midfielder to try and hang on in the last five minutes. We can’t buy a goal though. The misses by Gabbiadini and Armstrong were very very poor and the performance of Charlie Austin was unbelievably bad. Since he got injured last season, Austin has not done a thing and his fitness levels appear to have got even worse.  How can you have a full pre-season and come back looking like that?

It has to be said that the reality of Hoedt and Stephens in defence was miles better than the prospect of it as they restricted the highly rated King and Wilson to next to nothing. There are actually some positives to take out of this game but the problems of the last three seasons are still here. It was highlighted on Match of the Day that we have a 4% conversion rate for the chances we created and that we are fifth on the list of chances created.

At the end of our last match I pondered how many Saints players would get in a combined 11 between Saints and Bournemouth and most Bournemouth fans with the same thing on Twitter in the past week had a nine or 10 Bournemouth players in their side. I think that if everyone is honest and they picked a team without Hojbjerg in it then their views can be completely discounted as can the views of any Bournemouth fan who refers to us as Scummers. You’re just embarrassing yourself lads are not worthy of anyone’s time.   Based on today’s game, I guess the combined side with be Begovic (not his fault but Macca didn’t have a shot to save), Cedric, Smith, Hoedt, Steve Cook, Hojbjerg, Lerma, Redmond….. then you’re struggling because no forwards were worth a place.

As you know, I find the whole Bournemouth rivalry thing entirely tedious, in the same way I found the Brighton one boring as well.  This time last year I worked in Brighton and now I work in Poole amongst the Bournemouth fans.  I was talking to a match attending Bournemouth fan in a shop on Monday about the game and he had no issue whatsoever with Saints and very mindful of the times Saints helped them out in the past.  He also though the Scummers thing was ridiculous and that they were somewhat fortunate to get a point out of this match.  I guess it proves in case you’d forgotten, that Twitter is not the final and binding barometer of opinion.

So, if we take today as a positive because of the performance and an away point, there is no room for anything other than a win next week as it is Newcastle at home. Nothing Else will do.  They haven’t won a game yet and if we don’t end our shocking home form on Saturday then the mood is going to be very dark going into December when the games get much more difficult.

Premier League Match 8 - Southampton 0 Chelsea 3

World Class Player Scores.  None of Our Defenders Close Enough to be in the Picture

Chelsea at home and I’ve been looking forward to this match for weeks. Only the first part of that statement is true as it’s far from being the highlight of the season that Sky would like it to be.  Playing the big clubs is a massive pain in the arse. It means away fans in the home end if you’re in the ground and very irritating biased commentary if you happen to be watching the game on the TV. On the pitch, it invariably means Southampton getting dicked and it’s not even being close. I can’t be bothered to look up but apparently we haven’t beaten one of the all powerful top six for about 35 matches since we won 2-1 at White Hart Lane which is a ground that has of course been demolished since. And by the why, that was against the Spurs side who had absolutely nothing to play for.

Personally, I’m coming to this game with a complete lack of enthusiasm.  The walk across the Itchen Bridge is usually punctuated with score predictions and guesses as to what the team is going to be. There is a bit of that going on but the general consensus from three generations of my family is a defeat and it doesn’t matter which players we put out there.   All I want is for us to have a go. Is that too much to ask?  On arrival at the ground, the TV in the concourse is showing me that Fulham have had a dose of top six reality and are currently getting thumped 5-1 at home by Arsenal. There are a few fans raising a chuckle at Fulham‘s plight. Careful what you take the piss out of lads.

On the face of it, it’s not a bad line up that Hughes has picked with Yoshida and Bednarek coming in and it’s obviously three at the back. Despite the rumoured fight in the changing room at Wolves and a predictable manchild social media meltdown, Wesley Hoedt is in the side. The fact that he is our only left-footed centre back is working heavily in his favour. Miraculously, Gabbiadini starts. The only slightly disappointing thing is that none of the new players that we signed this season have made the starting 11. Vestergaard is on the bench but Elyonoussi and Armstrong are nowhere to be seen. I find the make up of the bench rather annoying. JWP isn’t on there but Steve Davis is. What the fuck does Steve Davis add these days that JWP doesn’t? What does he add at all apart from experience?  If you want to shore up the midfield then you have Romeu and if you want to add to the attacking side of midfield then Davis is not really the man when you could have JWP, Armstrong or Elyonoussi. Still... Shane Long is also on the bench in case we need a goal.

Chelsea’s team is full of superb players as usual and the one who is generally held not to be brilliant, Olivier Giroud of course is like fucking kryptonite to Saints. Here goes nothing.  Hang on, here goes daytime fireworks and flame throwers as the teams come out.  It’s a fucking cringe but the kids love it.  As the game kicks of there is an issue and three latecomers arrive who have no idea where they’re sitting and it becomes apparent that they are Chelsea fans.  The temptation to kick off is strong but when two of the three are about 5 and 6, it’s best not to.

Chelsea start well and we basically camp 9 players in front of McCarthy in and around the penalty area.  Chelsea are fizzing it about trying to pick a way through the mass of defenders and Hazard nearly manages it but Bednarek blocks well before Willian shoots and it hits Hoedt and bounces up, off the bar and over.  Lesson not learned we play the opening 25 minutes in the same fashion and it’s a case of when rather than if.  At risk of sounding like Mike Bassett… fucking get into them.

Then we have an attack.  It’s started after a near calamity with Hoedt playing a shite ball to Yoshida who stumbled past Giroud more by luck than judgement, plays it to Redders, into Ings and his chipped cross is just in front of Lemina and the danger passes.  It’s enough to get the crowd roaring – it doesn’t take much these days.

We are actually growing into the game and some neat interplay sees Gabbi fire in an optimistic one from 35 yards which Kepa pouches easily.  Then proper football breaks out and it’s a great move with Bertrand picking up a return pass from Redmond and crossing superbly.  And Ings must score.  He connects on the volley from 5 yards out and fuuuuuuuuuuuck! He’s in the net, the ball is in the crowd.

Hughes has seen something he doesn’t like and we seem to be changing formation on the fly with Bednarek going to right back and Cedric in front of him.  The confusion is played up by Chelsea and they play it in the space behind Bednarek and Hazard finds Giroud who is met by a sliding Hoedt who clatters man and ball away for a corner.  Chelsea are rather annoyed about it and you can see why.  He hasn’t fouled him as such but both feet off the ground and not in control.  Put it this way – we’d be a penalty down and one man short with VAR.

The inevitable happens after some more Chelsea interplay around our box.  A ball into Hazard is met by a strong block from Wes but his ball to Hojbjerg on the edge of the box has a blue flashing light on top of it.  Instead of just smashing it away, Hojbjerg tries to turn out and loses it, one pass and Hazard has it, 10 yards out and unmarked.  I stopped watching at that point.

We have one opportunity before half time as we win a free kick just to the left of the penalty area but the ref, Craig Pawson, decides to make Berty take it a good ten yards left of where the foul was committed.  When Berty realises he’s serious and moves the ball to0 the right place, he of course gets booked for it.

The half time break sees Bednarek sacrificed and Romeu brought on.  Within thirty seconds of the restart he’s committed his first foul.  I guess we are changing approach now.  Willian has suddenly because our best source of possession when a shite touch gifts the ball to Romeu.  On to Hojbjerg and he delays until Bertrand makes his run and clips a beautifully weighted ball over the defence which Bertrand meets on the volley and miles over the bar.  That really should have been a goal and the skipper knows it.  Willian wants us to have another go and another mistake gives Redmond the ball and on it goes to Ings whose effort is easily saved.

Having had these openings, of course, Chelsea break and win a free kick with Ings hauling down Hazard.  The free kick is chipped to back stick and Giroud is all on his own.  He volleys across and Barkley bundles it into the net from 5 yards.  Fuck sake. Game over.

Because we now need two goals it’s time to bring on Shane Long and Gabbi goes off, having played right win in the second half.  We do have a chance to get back into it as Rudiger’s headed clearance went straight to Redmond and his superb strike seems to be over Kepa but the £71 million keeper throws up an arm as he’s falling backwards and somehow tips it onto the bar.

Morata is on for Giroud who miraculously hasn’t scored but the new man nearly does as Hazard breaks, plays him in but he can’t beat Macca.  As the game runs down, Ings sees Kepa pull off another good save to tip his shot over.  Lemina is on the deck – put there in an off the ball incident with the shit bag Marcos Alonso, returning to the ground where he tried to break Shane Long’s leg last season.

93 minutes gone, pass, pass, pass, pass… Hazard darts into space, frees Morata and he dinks over Macca for 3-0.  Fucking fuck off.  Everyone has already and most of those left head for the exits. Wank.

Well the only surprise there is that Giroud didn’t score.

Comprehensively outplayed-check,

Goal from Hazard-check,

Gifted them at least 1 goal-check

Didn’t lay a glove on them in midfield-check,

Basically just turned up and lost-check,

Let in a goal in the last five minutes-check.

Totally predictable and so fucking boring.

We did do one thing right though and that we managed to get six booked without anyone getting booked twice. All bar one of those bookings was after the game was already dead. It seems almost pointless to mention the referee but booking Bertrand for attempting to take a free-kick from the right place was a bit of a triumph. That’s winning the booking count 6-0 was also a bit of a triumph considering Alonso and Luiz were up to their usual off the ball tricks.

Oddly enough, despite the predictability and boredom, we had some really good chances which Ings and Bertrand should have converted and how the fuck Kepa kept Redmond’s shot I will never know and I was sat directly behind it.  The decent moves that we put together show you that with a bit more belief, we could actually do something against these sides.  We are so fragile though.

I really want to know what the thinking was behind bringing on a striker who has two goals in 60 games when we need two goals with 20 minutes to go. I am not a huge fan of Charlie Austin but leaving him on the bench and bringing on Long is either the work of the4 world’s biggest optimist or a complete lunatic. Bednarek was unlucky to get hooked at half-time in the tactical switch as he had probably been the best of the three centre backs in the first half. I thought that Gabbiadini was unlucky as well, being forced to play right wing in a 4-4-2 formation in the second half which again highlights the ridiculousness of loaning out both Boufal and Sims and not even having JWP or Armstrong on the bench.

As was entirely predictable, Chelsea were different gravy to us altogether both on and off the ball and I felt like if they had needed to win 5-0 then they could’ve done quite comfortably. Hazard is completely unplayable but especially so if you give him time and room which we did. Predictably we contributed massively to our own downfall with the first goal being an absolute gift. I see that the knives are out for Hoedt as usual and he probably got sucked into closing down a space that he shouldn’t have done but when a midfielder, in this case Hojbjerg, pisses around with a ball on the edge of the box and loses it, it’s 95% their fault.  The second goal was ridiculous in that Giroud had half of the penalty area to himself to volley across goal for Barkley to score.  When you see it replayed though, Hojbjerg is marking Giroud but Luiz wraps an arm round him to let Giroud run free.  Cynical play by Sideshow Bob but he got away with it so fair play to him.  Third gold didn’t matter a shit because the game was already dead but it was a brilliant goal by them as we watched on and only about a quarter of the supporters were still present to see it.

In the scheme of things, similar to 3-0 defeat to Liverpool, a 3-0 defeat to Chelsea doesn’t make the slightest difference to our season because even the most optimistic fan would not have had us down for any points from this game. The problem with today is that it showed that we aren’t getting much better in terms of either finding a way to compete against the big boys or putting together a 90 minute performance.  We look good in small sections of games but can never maintain it.  Yet another formation change and it was changed again during the game and yet again, the same insipid bollocks and fear football which we seem to get every time we play one of the big boys.  If this is going to be the way there then there are another 10 games against the top six that we can write off for the rest of the season, leaving us with about 20 games to get the 32 or so remaining points that we need to stay up.

The only confidence we can take from this is that we did create chances at both 0-0 and 1-0 down. We need to be going to these games against the top six with the confidence that we can create chances if only we get on the front foot occasionally instead of just sitting back shitting ourselves. We cannot defend and keep concentration for 90 minutes and once we’re 1-0 down then we’re usually fucked so that approach is always going to lead to defeat.

Another international break is here so we don’t have to worry about the shit for another two weeks when we are down at Dean Court to play Bournemouth who are currently fifth in the table and playing like a team possessed and a team who know exactly what they are doing. They are currently miles better than us but regardless of that, we have to go down there and look to win this game.  Have some fun and try and pick a combined Saints and Bournemouth XI.  I’ve done it and maybe McCarthy, Bertrand, Hojbjerg and Ings would get in.  You’d be struggling after that.

League Cup 3rd Round - Everton 1 Southampton 1 (Southampton win 4-3 on penalties)

8 Overexcited Saints players.... and Maya

Time for the Reserve Team Trophy again and after us getting the shittiest draw imaginable, we’re at Goodison Park. I’m expecting Herbertson to take this going quite seriously bearing in mind that I spent an absolute fortune of the last two years and haven’t really moved forward very much and this realistically is the only competition they have any chance of winning. For us, I think it is a pretty huge game bearing in mind how shit the league form has been and was expected to be Miley fringe players, they will feel that they have a genuine chance of getting into the league team for Sundays defeat against Chelsea.

The rumours about the doorstop in the changing room after the Wolves game have gathered pace a little bit and frames are to be believed it was between Wesley height and the manager. No prizes he’s going to lose out long-term in that particular argument. If true, Wesley my want to check out with Sofiane Boufal is at the moment.

In the event, we picked a back three with Yoshida in between Stephens and Bednarek. Matty Targett was the left-wing back with Cedric on the right and surprisingly, both Hojbjerg and Lemina started in the centre of midfield. We lined up with three strikers in Redmond, Gabbiadini and Ings so on the face of it, it’s a decent line-up.  Everton have left out a few, notably Sigurdsson who is one I’m always worried about when he plays against us.  There is an ex-Saints presence with Walcott on the bench, Stekelenburg in goal and Schneiderlin in midfield.  I don’t think he saw his career panning out the way it has since he left Saints for the bright lights.

Everton have the first decent chance with Lookman picking the ball up on the right and as we stood off, he curled it wide of the far post. Talking of posts, Saints hit one as Schneiderling  horribly gives the ball away and Gabbi sends Redmond away on the left.  Such is his level of confidence he has Kenny for toast and cuts in before striking the base of the near upright with Stek beaten.

At the back we are looking decent with Stephens and Bednarek being martialled by Yoshida who is developing a nice line in cynical fouls to stop any Everton attacks.  The trouble with this is that we are then relying on Stephens to head things away and it’s scary to say the least.  However, as it looks like being 0-0 at half time, we build well down the left, Redmond again skins Kenny and passes infield to Ings who has dropped out to the edge of the box and the Liverpool loanee, to the delight of the 30,000 Evertonians in the ground, beautifully passes it along the ground into the far corner of the net.  Guess what? Stekelenburg never moved.  It’s good to see that nothing much changes.

Everton show a bit more intent at the start of the second half with Bernard getting on the ball and a lovely chip over the defect puts Lookman in but Gunn is out well to save.  Before long though it’s back to us being the better side and you feel that even with our talent for fucking things up, another goal would seal it and we nearly get it when Bednarek meets a corner with a firm header from about 6 yards but Stekelenburg chooses now of all times to actually make a save and tips it over the bar well.

The next chance is for Hojbjerg but he loses composure after a neat 1-2 with Redders and toe pokes it well over the bar.  So – we’re on top and time is running out and Everton are creating nothing and then off comes Gabbi and on comes Steve Davis.  I don’t like this.  It’s negative and guaranteed to put us on the back foot.  If you want to stiffen up the midfield then fine, bring on Romeu.  In the even Davis goes on the right so why not JWP?  At least he can take a free kick or a corner.  Everton’s subs by comparison are totally going for it with Walcott and Niasse coming on and midfiedlers including the desperate Schneiderlin going off.

Having had a really good game we get a bit of peak Yoshida.  He looks all calm and composed with the ball on the half way line and he takes his time and then turns and plays it about 10 yards short of Gunn.  It’s Gunn vs Walcott but luckily, Angus has a head start and has to perform a sliding man and ball effort to hack it clear.  After that scare, you know we’re going to panic .

Five minutes later and Niasse wins a challenge in the middle of the park with Yoshida and gets lucky as the ball lands well for him and he slides Walcott in and you just know what’s going to happen. 1-1.  Fuck.  Nothing much happens for the rest of the game and so we go straight to penalties.

The figure in brackets tells you my confidence in the relevant player to stick the ball in the net. It is slightly baffling however that we had two substitutions left to make and we have JWP and Charlie Austin sat on the bench as unused substitutes. Let’s hope it doesn’t get to 8-8 and we have Bednarek and Stephens stepping up.

There are two tosses for the penalty shootout and Everton win both of them. They get to go first and they get to choose ends. Here we go.

Leighton Baines (9) in off the underside of the bar and unsavable. 0-1

Danny Ings (10) there is nothing he seems like more than scoring on Merseyside against Everton and predictably, no problem at all. 1-1

Cenk Tosun (6). Big fucking donkey to maybe a chance but... Confidently enough 2-1.

Steve Davis (9) he may not be able to run any more but I’m sure he can take a decent penalty still. Bang, Roof of the net, 2-2.

Richarlison (5). A definite candidate to miss because he’s just as likely to get a ball and dive on the fucking floor. Here he comes, stops, a little stutter and then he balloons it into Row Z like a complete fucking £50 million wanker.

Pierre Hojbjerg (9). This man can score from 40 yards is really not gonna miss from 12 and he duly slots in the corner. 2-3 up.

Kurt Zouma (4). Not the most subtle of players and he’s just going to leather it and I reckon he’s a decent candidate to smash it over the bar. Bang.... straight through Angus Gunn but to be fair, he has absolutely smashed it. 3-3

Matt Targett (8). Good striker of the ball and decent at free kicks and I don’t reckon this is going to be a problem. Left a footed penalty takers always worry me a bit though...... Shit. Bad placement and a comfortable height for the keeper. Bollocks and arse. 3-3

Theo Walcott (1). I just know that he’s going to miss. He is going to miss because he’s had a 14 year career and I don’t think he has ever taken one. If he has, I don’t think I’ve seen it. His game is all about pace and not a lot about ability so I don’t reckon he’s going to have the ability or the nerve to stick it in the net. Here he comes.... haaaaa! Great save Angus.

Fucking Hell who is left for us? Lemina? He won’t fancy the pressure…. Redmond won’t fancy after missing that one for England... Maybe one of the three centre backs? Fuck no. Cedric (6).... Strikes a decent ball when he wants to. Bang, 4-3 and fuck me, we have won a game and not only that, we have one at Goodison Park. I know that technically it’s a draw but fuck that, it’s a win and we are through to the next round and they are not so I’m having it.

I actually thought we played okay and totally deserve to get through. The only bummer is of course that we needed penalties do it as we conceded our traditional late goal.  The back three worked better in the flat back four has in recent matches with Yoshida adding a certain calmness to the proceedings apart from with his horrendously shit backpass. The make up of the defence for the next game is going to be very interesting. I assume it will be three at the back so you would expect Yoshida and maybe one of Stephens and Bednarek to be in there with Vestergaard. However, Matt Targett had a great game at left back so I would be tempted to slot Ryan Bertrend into the Hoedt shaped space on the left of the back three with Vestergaard in the middle and Yoshida to the right.

Elsewhere, Gabbiadini didn’t really set the world alight but hopefully he did enough to put himself in the managers plans ahead of both Long and Austin. Finally, I have to say that Angus Gunn looks like a cracking keeper and this can only be a good thing regarding pushing Alex McCarthy to maintain his form. What Gunn has definitely proved is that there would be absolutely no problem should McCarthy get injured.

With all the other games having been decided last week, we now have another away trip in the next round to Leicester City. One thing that you can guarantee is that Claude Puel will rotate the fuck out of their team so that game presents a decent chance of reaching the quarter-final again.

Come on then Chelsea, what have you got? Apart from Eden Hazard of course, oh and Kante … and Willian… And... oh yes, Bastard Giroud who always scores against us. Ah well, see you on Sunday.

Premier League Match 7 - Wolves 2 Southampton 0

Introducing the Mario Lemina Boot Range

A trip to the very impressive Molyneux to play Wolves you have made an impressive start to life back in the Premier league under the charismatic management of Nuno Espirito Santo. Their recruitment model is based on whoever Jorge Mendes decides to send their way and you can argue the pros and cons of that with regard to it being a big dodgy but they’ve made a bloody good start this year. They’ve been solid without being spectacular but managed to point at Old Trafford, a point at home to Manchester City and only one defeat so far in a game that they actually should of won away at Leicester. They are not the most clinical side and front of goal but do create loads of chances which either means that their forwards are not very good or that they are due to absolutely batter someone soon. Here come Southampton.

Wolves spent a lot of money in the summer but they invested in real quality with Moutinho and Patricio being the pick of the bunch. Their record fee was spent on a Adama Traore who is being used as an impact sub at the moment and with his pace and direct running, it could be a case of the longer he stays off of the pitch, the better for us with our rather pedestrian back four. Having said all that about Wolves - they are good but they are not that good so we should certainly be looking to take something from today.

The main news from Hughes before the game was that Shane Long was injured so does make me wonder whether fuck our goals are gonna come from now. I assume it will be either Austin or Armstrong to play up there with Ings. It’s been an interesting development in the media the last couple of weeks in that everybody seems to have jumped on the bandwagon the Saints are really really fucking boring and are a real nothing team. It really is hard to argue with that. All the things that made as good a few years ago are no longer there and it’s hard to argue with anyone who says that our sole aim seems to be to survive.  The teanm news today is that Austin has come in for the injured Long so that'll be a sub needing to be made on the hour mark.

Away we go and it’s the home side with the early play as they work it across from our left and the flamboyantly named Jonny Castro Otto beings a decent save out of Macca.  Saints are not being outplayed though and begin to get a foothold in midfield and once again Redmond is looking dangerous, beating a couple before feeding Austin and the unfit one finds Elyonoussi who tries his luck from too far out and Patricio saves easily.

Redmond is creator in chief again and a lovely diagonal ball finds Elyonoussi in on goal but Patricio is out and blocks well as Moi tries to lift it over him.  From the resulting hard won corner, Elyonoussi takes quite possibly the worst corner by anyone ever and boots it straight into row Z.  I bet Vestergaard and Hoedt were delighted that they trudged up from the back.  Unperturbed, Redders spins a defender and creates another chance for Ings this time and his shot nicks off a defender for another corner which we waste in slightly less embarrassing fashion than last time.

Wolves haven’t really done anything but there’s a break coming up so we have to give them a good opportunity and Docherty crosses from the right and we get a Weslice in the wrong direction straight to Raul Jimenez who virtually passes it straight to Macca, having been taken by surprise by not expecting us to pass the ball to him in front of goal.  We have one more chnace before half time which is created well by Elyonoussi when he finds Ings, takes a return ball and instead of trying to find Ings again, he tries another 40 yard left footed daisy cutter which needless to say, doesn’t give us the lead before half time.

 

The opening 15 minutes of the second half is all us in that we are monopolising possession of the ball without creating much.  Hojbjerg and Lemina a winning the midfield and we create one half chance with some lovely football across to the right and it’s worked in to Ings who spins his defender but gets blocked as he goes to pull the trigger.  The ‘When will Austin be Blowing out of His Arse and Get Substituted’ sweepstake is being led by the 55-64 minute slot but it’s Wolves who change first, bringing on Adama Traore – oh shit, especially as Bertrand has just been booked.

Hojbjerg is having a good game and drives forward only to get brought down 40 yards out and possibly due to a lack of anyone who could be remotely creative from this situation, Vestergaard thumps it straight but on target and Patricio pats it down but no one is following up because our fox in the box is knackered.  Like Hojbjerg, Lemina has had a good game and then he goes ‘Full Waster’.  He gets tackled and his boot comes off.  His boot is pink which is an issue but not the main issue here – it takes about 10 minutes for him to put the fucker back on.  Even an 8 year old can change a boot quicker than that.

Meanwhile, we send on Armstrong and Gabbiadini for Elyonoussi and Austin.  Austin has lasted a huge 77 minutes but he’s been walking for the last 20.  Armstrong shows what he brings to the party a few minutes later as he gets on the end of a Cedric cross and gets the shot in but it’s straight at Patricio.  With 10 to go and Wolves still not having anything effective happen in our third – even though it wasn’t really inevitable, the inevitable happens. 

It starts with Lemina losing the ball as usual.  Armstrong wins it back and gives it away again to Traore who skips round Bertrand like he isn’t there.  On he rumbles and Hoedt does pretty well to hold him up for a bit but then he burns past him, crosses it, Vestergaard falls over and the ball is laid back to Cavaliero who has just come on as sub, bang, no chance Macca, 1-0.  Fucking hell.  That’d be the 6^th preventable goal in a row that we’ve let in.

We respond to this setback in the usual way by completely going to shit.  Wolves cut us open again and Cedric has to give away a corner.  When it comes in it’s free header time for Jimenez but McCarthy arches backwards to claw the ball out of the postage stamp from behind him.  World Class save.

Our big finish to try and get a point involves standing off and letting Wolves pass the ball about.  It’s fucking criminal.  We need putting out of our misery and we duly are and yet again it’s fucking rubbish defending.  This time Armstrong allows Docherty to walk past him in the left back position and his cross is touched past the fallen tree presence of Vestergaard and smashed into the net by Castro Otto who has wandered in from left back without anyone going with him.  Absolute dogshit.  Gabbi manages a shot in the 93^rd minute but it’s near post and Patricio is never letting that in.  Another defeat.  Wankers.

  

Well that was a typical 2018 vintage Southampton performance. We were of the better side in terms of keeping the ball and playing nice patterns in midfield but the bottom line is that our defence will always ship a goal and today, the main issue was that we have no cutting-edge whatsoever. And unless the rules have changed, you don’t get awarded dick for style. We actually won the midfield battle with Hojbjerg and Lemina (when he wasn’t doing up his fucking boots) having the better of Moutinho and Neves. How can you win the battle of the all-important midfield and still lose the fucking game 2-0?  Having said that we want to make real battle, my mate, Rockstar Instagram Brand Machine Mario Lemina found a new way to be an absolute fucking dick this week, basically missing about 10% of the game so he could put his pink boots back on. What the fuck is that about?

As predicted before the game, as soon as we are faced with an attacker with a bit of pace, we haven’t got a fucking clue. Bertrand let him go because he was worried about getting sent off and then Traore predictably completely burned Hoedt who had absolutely no cover. Hoedt actually held up Traore long enough to get help but Bertrand was just jogging back into position and neither Lemina or Hojbjerg got back in to defend the centre of the penalty area. For the second goal, Stuart Armstrong found him self on the left back position and produced the most namby-pamby bit of defending we’ve seen for a while and believe me, we have seen a few.

We bought Armstrong to be that link between midfield and attack, to be a midfield player who had efforts on goal. He doesn’t fit anywhere in a 4-4-2 formation unless he is playing in the number 10 role just off a striker. Whatever happened to that club philosophy of all the teams playing the same formation. It’s almost like we sign players to play one formation and then chuck it all up in the air so we end up with Armstrong who can’t play anywhere really and two giant centre backs, neither of whom are quick. There has to be a change in the central defence with Yoshida being the obvious player to come in.

As for the lack of cutting edge. Our first four seasons in the Premier League we played with Rickie Lambert or Graziano Pelle up front. We had a focal point with those players and we have smaller more mobile strikers like J-Rod, Adam Lallana or Sadio Mané (I’m leaving out fucking Juanmi). We absolutely need a target man to give us some focus because basically, if Ings comes short then we have no one at the moment who is likely to score a goal anywhere near the opposition goal. I heard that he was carrying a slight hamstring injury but for the love of God, give Sam Gallagher a go and soon. He might not be brilliant and he might not be good enough but he is a striker that Pochettino, our best manager of recent times, thought was good enough at 18 to play in the Premier League. Give him a fucking go. He cannot be worse than Long and Austin who are proven not good enough and not fit enough respectively.

Why are football people scared of trying something different? It reminds me of the argument how are used to have over Le Tissier and Gascoigne in the England team and everyone went “well that won’t work”. Maybe not, but we never fucking found out because we never tried it. It might of been crap but then it might of been absolutely brilliant. Le Tissier and Ronnie Ekelund worked for Saints, as did Tiss and Eyal Berkovic. So, you can be brave and try things or alternatively, you can keep on trying the same old shit again and again and wonder why nothing changes.

After the game, Jannik Vestergaard gave a very glum sounding interview on the radio and he clearly just want to get out of the way of the questions and Charlie Austin wrote “fuck off” on his Facebook page. I guess some harsh words were said at the end of the game and I hope they were.  There are rumours of a punch up in the dressing room and I hope they’re true as well.

The joke is that Wolves weren’t even that good. All they had to do was play for about 15 minutes at the end and we could’ve lost 4-0 and we would’ve done if it wasn’t for McCarthy and the odd bit of good defending that happened in front of them. I’ve steered clear of criticising Hughes too much because the problems are more than just his. Very few of this lot seem to have the fire in their bellies necessary to go out and win games. They always look like they’re just going through the fucking motions. Hughes afterwards that there would be some different players in the starting XI as this lot have had a chance and not delivered.  That will probably mean Elyonoussi dropping out and JWP coming in but it would be tough on the Norwegian because he was brought in as an attacking left-winger and he’s playing right wing in the flat midfield four with the right footed Redmond playing on the left.

I must admit that straight after this game, I did actually look at the league table for the three teams that are worse than us. I have found two in Cardiff and Huddersfield but you can already see the teams that are going to be down there and it’s going to be Southampton, Fulham, Brighton and Newcastle.

So, another typical week supporting Southampton. Next week we have a visit to the graveyard of Goodison Park in the Reserve Team Trophy, followed by a trip to the graveyard of St Mary‘s next week to play Chelsea who are looking like a very different side to last season and they look like they’re actually playing a different sport to us.  Chances of an upset? – I’d say Zero. Happy days.