Premier League Match 2 - Everton 2 Southampton 1

Classic Stephens and Cedric Defending

Everton. We always lose to Everton. I’ve been saying that since the 80s. The level of delusion an entitlement which shot through the roof last season when they started lobbing Loadsamoney around, has continued this season. Richarlison was brought in for Watford for a fee potentially rising to 50,000,000 had everyone wondering what the fuck was going on but to be fair, the new man started with two girls last week in their entertaining away draw with walls. They also went on a massive spending spree on the last day of the transfer window which makes it all look a bit unplanned but to be honest, Everton could pick 11 fat blokes out of the crowd and stick them in an Everton kit and they would still beat Southampton at Goodison. We actually got a draw here last season but it felt like a defeat because we let in a goal in the last second.

After being the reason that Marco Silva lost his job at Watford at the start of last season, it was only fair that Everton should kick fat Sam into touch and give Marco the job of the new season. He seems to be quite a decent manager if also one with slightly questionable ethics regarding walking out on clubs as soon as a better opportunity comes along. But Ronald Koeman before him though,He won’t get back better opportunity Unless he makes a decent job of the Everton role.

I was hoping for us to line up with more or less what we finished with against Burnley but it didn’t happen.  Ings came in but Austin stayed in… what the fuck – both Elyounoussi and Vestergaard injured.  So – it looks like 4-4-2 with Stephens and Hoedt as the centre backs.  Oh sweet fucking Lord.

You can tell what sort of game it’s going to be as Pickford launches one and in best Tyro Under 10s fashion, we let it bounce in between our midfield and defence.  Embarrassing,  Romeu is embarrassed as he bundles Tosun over and gives away a free kick.  Sigurdsson takes the free kick into Keans who wins the header with no challenge or jump from Stephens and luckily it’s straight at McCarthy.  Having noticed the weakness, Everton just go for it every time, just lobbing it forwards towards our centre back disasters – free headers galore on the edge of box.

Everton look as bad as us defensively and following a Redmond run and foul on him, JWP picks out Austin who heads wide when he really should have done better.  This is just a temporary jurney up to the other end for the ball and it’s soon pinging around our penalty area with no one taking charge until Hoedt pulls out his signature move, The Weslunge  This is the one where he’s lost concentration and usually out of position so he launches in like a pub player and clatters someone.  Sigurdsson collects the Weslunge and gets up and cleverly, with everyone expecting more aerial bombardment as we’re shit at that, he plays it short and finds out that we’re shit at that as well as Schneiderling turns it round the corner with a clever pass and Walcott is clean through and has a free shot from 10 yards.  1-0.

Another few minutes and another Weslunge – this time on Tosun who is the latest in a long line of big centre forwards who would fall over if you farted near them.  The Weslunge earns a booking this time and this time it is aerial and Keane again rises above the static Stephens and heads at McCarthy.  How Stephens thinks he’s heading the ball clear without jumping is anyone’s guess.

Despite us being generally arse, it should be 1-1. Hoedt takes time off from Weslunging to ping a great crossfield ball to JWP who feeds Cedric and miraculously, Cedric hits one from miles out and it’s on target and Pickford spills it straight to Ings who crashes it off the bar and away from 6 yards.  What a miss.  Replays later show that Pickford got a touch and got lucky but you have to score from there.  Guess what happens when you don’t… another ‘soft as fuck’ goal at the other end.  Build up down our left, Coleman reverses the ball to Walcott who has not been tracked and he’s got all the time in the world to cross it and returning from last season we have the Stephens/Cedric Corridor of Uncertainty.  The cross sails over Stephens and Richarlison gets above Cedric and heads in easily.  Fucking pathetic and to make matters worse, it’s fucking Richarlison who just dives all the time.

Ings flashes a header wide from a JWP corner as the half comes to an end but it’s Gooodison Park Normal Service Resumed for Saints.  Dogshit.

We have nothing to lose in the second half as we’ve lost already and we start well with Bertrand running at the right hand side of Everton’s defence and feeding Ings whose shot is deflected wide.  We’re all over them and a decent move ends with Romeu’s Row Z bound shot being deflected wide for a corner.  In it comes from JWP, flicked on by Lemina and there’s Ings to knock it in from 6 yards.  Bloody hell we’ve scored.

It’s time for the pre-determined removal of Austin who is gasping for a fag, kebab and a pint and on comes a competition winner because we clearly don’t need another goal.  Yep…. iiiiiiit’s Shane. FFS!  Soon after we’re lucky to still be in the game as Walcott scores but it’s disallowed for a non-existent offside in the build-up.  Walcott is then guilty of a horrific miss after Everton carve us open, dragging wide after Sigurdsson put it on a plate.  Sigurdsson certainly looks better now Everton don’t have Rooney getting in his way.

With 10 to go we finally bring Gabbi on for Romeu but we create very little – the one main chance coming from a JWP free kick which Pickford blocks away from the near post.  Everton are the better side in the last 10 and McCarthy again has to save from Gueye as Everton held out relatively comfortably.  We lost at Goodison.  Quelle surprise!

I have to say I’m slightly mystified by Mark Hughes thought process regarding the lineup for this game. No doubt he had originally planned on a 4-4-2 formation with Vestergaard partnering Hoedt in the centre of the defence. When Vestergaard dropped out though, he was left with the partnership of Stephens and Hoedt who proved last season that they are not good enough as a pair and you need a third centre back or else you’re going to be shit. Maybe we practised with four at the back all week and decided that he didn’t want to throw a weeks training out of the window at the last minute. I can kind of understand that. He must know deep down though that those two would be a disaster. The second Everton goal was absolute textbook last season with a cross coming in from our left, Stephens being absolutely fucking nowhere and Cedric’s man scoring with a header. I only wish I had put money on it before the game. The first goal was a well worked free-kick but we were asleep and made it so easy for Walcott to help himself to a goal.

Austin again proved that it is a mistake for him to start games because there is no way on earth he is going to last 90 minutes. Substitutions are for changing the game not for replacing and fit players who are absolutely blowing out of their arse holes after an hour. He has a talent for scoring goals but he is more likely to do that if he comes on against tiring defenders and we don’t have to have a premeditated substitute every fucking game.

If we are to start with two strikers then it absolutely has to be Ings and Gabbiadini. Ings looks a terrific player. When his name first got mentioned I wasn’t over enthusiastic about it but that opinion has changed slightly now. It’s great that Ings got off the mark with his goal today but he will know that he really should’ve had two when he gave Pickford the opportunity to make that lucky save in the first half. Some will call it a brilliant save but having dropped a basic shot to the striker the keeper just spreads some self and he gets lucky if the ball hits him or not. Basically, Ings should have just rolled it along the ground.

I do trust Hughes to get it right. Eventually, my money is on Hoedt and Stephens being back ups to Yoshida and Vestergaard and on Austin being the striker that we bring in when we need a goal with 20 to go. I also see the more reliable Hojbjerg coming into the team ahead of Lemina who once again was as flaky as you like.

So, one point out of six and a defeat at Goodison Park. All this is pretty much standard so there really is nothing to get worried about yet. Leicester at home was one of the biggest shit house games from last year when we got absolutely dicked 4-1. A repeat of that is not an option and I expect us to get it right.