Premier League Match 4 - Southampton 0 Watford 2

And You Can Stick Your Clappers Up Your Fucking Arse and all.

After the International break disrupted any early-season momentum that we might have had, we are back at St Mary's today for the visit of Watford. People have been commenting, although not always positively, about the fact that Saints have changed in that we are not selling all our best players this summer. Watford appear to have made a bit of a change as well in that they haven't thrown out absolutely everybody and replaced them like they have done in previous seasons.  Sure, the manager has gone with the very boring manager being replaced by a new, more dynamic one. Sounds Familiar. Marco Silva is the man who somewhat surprisingly took the Watford job and so far, they have the same record as ourselves with one win and two draws. Their are one win was away at Bournemouth and it was quite amusing because it shot down the notion that Bournemouth were going to somehow be much better this year having spent a relative fortune.  Watford’s opening day draw against Liverpool just highlighted that Liverpool need a centre back (ha ha ha) and a home draw against Brighton highlighted that Brighton have no strikers and that sometimes, a three-game ban is not enough for a red card tackle. Britos should have ended up in fucking prison for that tackle in the Brighton game which was and assault which is probably not allowed in the UFC. Watford have of course signed a few with Nathanial Chalobah looking like a decent buy from Chelsea. I really would've quite liked him at St Mary's but instead of him, we've got Mario Lemina. Talking of whom...

Our new boy scored a fantastic goal for Gabon against the Ivory Coast in the World Cup qualifier, picking up the ball on the left, going forward with purpose and then smashing a screamer over the top of the goalkeeper and into the far corner of the net from about 35 yards. That was the undoubted highlight of our players involvement in international week but Steve Davis and Northern Ireland had two more wins to all backed guarantee play-off spot and Ryan Bertrand played both games for England and scored his first international goal in the process when England put four past Malta. England were typically laboured but two wins out of two got the job done and we will almost certainly be in Russia for another tournament of disappointment in the summer. Bertrand himself, in the context of the England displays, had two pretty good matches and now, the media are beginning to talk of him in terms of being England's first choice left back.  Once Danny Rose has recovered from injury for five minutes, all the media will remember that he plays for Spurs and he’ll be their first choice again but the truly discerning know who the better man out of two very good left backs is.

Post transfer window and right on cue, Virgill van Dijk returned to training. The club didn't over play it with just a couple of photographs but they couldn't resist putting a video of him smacking a shot into the top corner and a shooting drill. Despite a plethora of experts and people like Paul Merson predicting that he wouldn't play until January, it seems that the reintegration has started well. Philip Coutinho, who was predicted to settle back into life at Liverpool straight away has so far shown no inclination to do so. The back injury that he had miraculously cleared up in time for him to play two games for Brazil and after that, according to Klopp, he was not okay to play for Liverpool this weekend, which on the face of it, is a pretty big two fingered at salute to Liverpool.

The other story of transfer window fallout was of great amusement to me personally with the director of Sporting Lisbon christening Gold and Sullivan at West Ham, The Dildo Brothers after they failed to sign William Carvalho from Sporting. I have of course been calling them that for years, since 2011 in fact.  I have of course taken it much much further with the suggestion that they strapped to free dildo to the underside of every seat in the Ann Summers Taxpayer stadium (better than a fucking plastic clapper anyway) and of course that they somehow incorporate a massive dildo into the structure to personalise the stadium when they took over the lease. One of the funny things about writing a blog for years is that all your opinions when you have been completely and utterly wrong are there in black and white but also it's amusing when moments like this happen, when you can look back and say that you actually said it first. I always wondered what being ITK felt like. Ha ha. Anyway, a director of Sporting Lisbon of course has more clout than I do and I have not made any money from copyright and I have not been sent any presents from the Gold and Sullivan range of products, which I am quite pleased about.

Back to today and it’s a question of perception in that a win will mean 8 points out of 12 which from those for fixtures will be pretty good. A defeat and 5 out of 12 will not seem quite so decent.  On the way to the game we’re heading over the Itchen Bridge in the sunshine and notice the bastard great black cloud over the ground and within a couple of minutes we are running for shelter under the trees or under a burger van canopy as it’s pissing down.  Awesome.  In the ground and there are loads of those fucking plastic clappers everywhere.  This is bad news but especially when you sit in the Family Stand and you’re never too far from a small child who thinks these are the best thing ever.  Everywhere you looked there was an adult with a pained expression on their face.

The team news is interesting… Hoedt for Yoshida and JWP for Lemina.  I assume that these are down to distances travelled on international duty for the two left out.  Also in the side is Boufal instead of Tadic.  Now Tadic deserved to be left out but Boufal in no way deserved to be selected but he really has to be given an opportunity sometime.  OK… on paper it doesn’t look too bad but as we kicked off it appeared that JWP was playing at 10 with Boufal on the wing and Davo was next to Romeu.  Straight away there looked to be a mismatch in midfield as Chalobah and Doucoure were all over us.

Boufal makes a decent start with a lovely touch and burst past the right back but his pull back is easily cleared.  After that brief excitement up the Watford end the game settles down and they’re all over us physically, closing us down and stopping us getting anywhere near their end of the pitch.  To be fair, they’re not doing much either up our end with Hoedt and Stephens comfortably dealing with Gray up front and Cedric and Bertrand dealing with Richarlison and Carillo respectively.  Cleverley is as shit as he always was when he was a regular in the England side because he was a Manchester United substitute.

So, Watford win a throw and Holebas hurls it in as we knew he was going to do.  Stephens, for reasons only known to him, doesn’t head it or kick it away but rather knees it out to the edge of the box and Doucoure wins a challenge because he wanted it more and the ball sits up nicely for him to smash low through a crowd and into the far corner of the net.  Good strike but shit defending and you can’t say Watford didn’t deserve it.

Far from provoking a response from us, there’s nothing.  Stephens gets bullied by Gray and the ball drops for Richarlison who smashes it just wide.  The rest of the half is just painful shit.  We do fuck all except get dominated all over the place.  We’re so far away from their goal and we lose it before we get anywhere due to their organisation and willingness to close down.  Quite simply, they’re better than us with Chalobah in particular just running the show.  Half time – fucking dreadful shower of shit.  Wankers.  Embarrassing wankers.  Has Gabbi touched the ball?  Probably not because he’s relying on JWP to give it to him.  You may as well put Fraser at 10 instead of JWP as he won’t do any fucking worse or be less suitable for the position.  I of course feel sorry for Gabbi but also for Redmond and Boufal who only ever get the ball on the half way line because our midfield two are getting fucked over without a fight.  Let’s see what we do to change it – the only positive is that it’s only 1-0.

Oh that’ll make a huge fucking difference – Tadic on for JWP.  How fucking tired is Lemina?  If he can’t play 45 minutes then what’s the point of him even being on the bench.  What’s gonna change with Davo and Romeu up against those two?  Away we go and guess what, we’re still getting fucked and they’re going in dry.  Watford are almost playing Olé football as they work it around and Chalobah bring a save out of Fraser.

Fuck me we’ve won a corner.  Tadic has actually made things a bit better and he puts Bertrand away who wins the said corner.  Watford are a team of massive fuckers and from corners they put five monsters in the vicinity of the near post and we obviously see it as a challenge to put the ball in the middle of them, which we manage.  Our height is Hoedt and we put our corners nowhere near him.  When Watford win a corner, which they do when Bertrand takes a shit touch and gives one away, there is carnage which we just about get away with in amongst falling bodies and appeals for handball.

Boufal links up with Redmond who makes a decent run and Sofiane smashes an effort miles over the bar but at least it’s a shot. Redmond puts an effort into the side netting following a corner and Watford have to change two defenders as Kaboul and the right back are both injured.  Surely the two subs will disrupt things and we can take advantage… not a bit of it.

A ball into our box and Stephens heads it straight up in the air in shit fashion.  Hoedt gets to it but because of Stephens’ fuck up he has to put all the power on it and can’t clear it too far and one of the Watford subs Janmaat, picks it up and with no pressing from any fucker, he can pick his spot and put it in the far corner as Fraser does the impression of a falling tree.  Two fucking nil.

Long is on for Gabbiadini and then Austin is on for Boufal and we appear to have gone for a 4-4-2 With Tadic and Redmond wide and Long and Austin up front.  Aside from a couple of runs from Long where no fucker gets up with him, nothing changes much.  Austin runs around as usual and bumps into defenders in that clumsy-arsed way of his.  On 93 minutes a ball breaks out to Romeu and he tees up Cedric who shoots from 35 yards and Gomes pulls out a one-for-the-cameras save.  It is however a shot on target and anyone who was still arsed enough to still be in the ground celebrates like we’ve scored.  It’s funny and fucking sad as well.

The last twenty minutes has been played at training ground pace.  No rush from Watford as they’re winning and no feeling that we were ever going to get back into it.  Waste of fucking time football again.  Remind me… did Claude leave?  Absolute bollocks performance.  Sort it out Mauricio for fucks sake.  Are we a pressing team or are we a play on the break team.  No, we’re neither.  We’re a tippy tappy slow paced sideways and backwards pile of shit.  We also have shit footballers, especially in the final third.  I was angry at half time, resigned in the 2^nd half and now angry again.

Well where do we start with that absolute pile of wank?  Let's praise the opposition. I thought Watford were superb, prepared to do all the hard yards and all the ugly stuff and take their chances when they presented themselves. They dealt with every situation that presented itself during the game with commitment and energy and teamwork. They lost two of the four defenders in the same minute and dealt with it with the absolute minimum of fuss because all the players knew what they had to do and were prepared to put the hard work in.  They’ve got some very good players with Chalobah, Doucoure and Richarlison particularly impressive.

As for us… fucking hell!

I thought that Cedric tried his best and showed a determination not to be beaten to the ball and he stuck to his task well… and he had a fucking shot on target – that almost qualifies him for legend status on its own. The central defensive pairing were passable but Stephens as usual got bullied a few times and if you’re being critical (and I am), had a hand in both goals with poor clearances.  Hopefully he’ll be dropped next week for Yoshida as he’s really not as good as he’s hyped to be.  Some of Hoedt's distribution was somewhat dodgy but in the main he did ok. The new boy wasn't bad but he wasn't quite as good as I was hoping he was going to be. I was hoping he'd be a real brute and dominate in the air. It is only his first game and he will have to get used to the physicality of the Premier League. 

That’s more or less it for any positives.  Here we go… I don’t blame Fraser for the first goal as it flew through some players but he was like a falling fucking tree for the second one and he saw that all the way, mainly because no fucker closed Janmaat down because no one could be bothered.  Ryan Bertrand looked like he really couldn't give a fuck and didn't want to be out there. He's look like that in a few games this season and it has generally been put down to his natural demeanour. However, I don't remember him looking so miserable and disinterested in his previous years with the club and there has to be a point where your body language does in fact betray what you are really thinking. Maybe a week away with England and talking to players who are on three times as much money as him has taken its toll.

Pellegrino fucked up the midfield it has to be said. I understand that that Lemina has been playing international in Africa this week but a tired player would have better than what we had out there.  Carillo for Watford apparently only got back from South America 24 hours before kick off.  He played so why didn’t our travellers?  Putting Steven Davis in the midfield engine room is a disaster and it always will be especially against physical opponents. I know Pellegrino wasn’t here last year but surely someone could have told him about Davo in the Spurs game last year agsint Wanyama and Dembele.  Davo was not helped by Romeu having quite possibly his poorest game in a Saints shirt and if you want to look at an area of the pitch where the game was won of lost, it was in the area where the excellent Chalobah and Doucoure smashed us to bits. I don't know what Hojbjerg has done but he is clearly well out of favour. He would've been a better option to partner Romeu today.

The front four was the same as usual. Gabbiadini made lots of runs and didn't get the ball, Redmond had the odd moment where he looked lively but Boufal and particularly JWP were fucking hopeless. Again, Pellegrino got it wrong here. Watching JWP trying to play when he was receiving the ball from behind was embarrassingly bad. He had no idea what to do with it and is not quick or skilful enough to operate in the tight areas that a number 10 has to operate in. It would have been better if he played on the right wing with Boufal in the middle and it would've been better if he swapped positions with Davis but even then we still would've got absolutely smashed to bits in midfield.  What bothers me slightly was that it was obvious from about 5 minutes in that the midfield was getting battered so why not drop JWP back in there to make a three.  Because we were being forced back, whenever Boufal or Redmond got the ball they were too deep to do any damage.

When Tadic came on at half-time, it was noticeable that we did improve but to me, that was more an indication of how bad JWP was. In short, we could have put any fucker on in that position and they would've done better. Cringe of the day was when Tadic had an opportunity in their penalty area that fucked it up and decided that the best way to make an excuse for this was to collapse holding his knee when there was absolutely nothing wrong with him.  Absolutely pathetic to be honest.

Shane Long came on and at least offered some urgency and some pace. I'm not his biggest fan but in the context of the team at the moment, he really has to start. Austin eventually coming on was fucking pointless. Charlie looks more and more like a fucking competition winner in a testimonial with every passing game. I think that's all I saw him do was let a ball roll under his foot and accidentally clatter into two Watford players in a ‘drunk weaving through a crowded bar’ kind of way.

I feel that the Claude Puel mindset is still ingrained in the players. They are risk averse and everything that they do. However, you can only go for so long blaming the previous manager. Mauricio Pellegrino has to sort it out and he has to sort it out quickly. That lot out there today didn’t look up for the fight which is never ever acceptable.

So, it is 5 points out of 12, from four fixtures where we should have reasonably expected to get 10 out of 12, is not good enough and sooner or later, the decent sides are going to come around and if we play like that, we are going to get absolutely smashed.  Everyone has to look at themselves. Some players don't appear to be put in the effort in and that is completely unforgivable and some just aren't fucking good enough. A few of the decisions regarding who we loaned out now beginning to seem a bit questionable. Personally, I would rather have kept Sam Gallagher than Charlie Austin for example.  We always seem to leave one issue unaddressed in transfer windows and this time it’s glaringly at the expensive end of the pitch.  When he comes back, maybe stick Virgil up front. We spent most of the transfer window talking about him anyway.

Next week – Palace away.  8 league games between us – they haven’t scored at all and we’ve only scored in one game and only one goal that wasn’t a penalty when the opposition had 11 men.  What are the odds on a 4-4 draw…?

PS – Palace have sacked Frank de Boer and appointed the Senile Old Goat Roy Hodgson. Will it be new manager bounce or will the useless old fucker have no effect.