What the Fuck is This?
A quick turnaround and here we are at Upton Park for the
last time. West Ham are more likeable
now that Fat Sam is no longer in charge but the whole Olympic Stadium deal
still rankles. It’s fucking ridiculous
that they get it for next to nothing and it’s ridiculous that they and Spurs
can’t be accommodated there. It works
pretty well in Milan after all. Still –
that one’s been done to death.
The Hammers started the season superbly, mostly fired by
Dimitri Payet as they won some really high profile away games. They’ve stuttered since Payet got injured but
are adept at digging out points when they need to and will finish in the top
half this season. They are still owned
by the Dildo Boys however and I hope they find a way to bring a massive cock
into the design when they personalise the new stadium. Slaven Bilic is their manager now – a
horrible shit as a footballer but he’s doing a decent job so far as a manager.
There are just two changes from the Arsenal game with Romeu
in for Clasie and Tadic in for JWP.
Hopes that we are staying with the same formation are dashed though as
it looks like we’re 4-2-3-1 again with Long up top on his own.
West Ham have a decent side even without Payet and it
includes Michail Antonio. Now there’s a
player I never expected to be in the Premier League but fair play to him. I had a lot of time for him when he played
for us and he was brilliant in the JPT Final when we won it back in 2010. Andy Carroll is fit enough for the bench, as
is Lanzini who looked a decent player earlier in the season before he got
injured.
We are the better side from the start as some of the Arsenal
magic is still with us. Long is looking
a right handful and the West Ham defence looks like it might creak and it does
after 15 minutes as Stekelenburg hoofs a goal kick and Long beats the centre
backs in the air. A Mané flick which
somewhat luckily finds Davis, a ball inside the full back to Long who crosses
low to where Tadic bundles it into the net.
A great move but the finish was somewhat lucky as though Tadic had got a
touch, it was Jenkinson who had smashed it into the net. Get in.
After the goal, the predicted West Ham response doesn't really happen and we have a great chance for 2-0 as Martina, finds Long with a
great ball down the right and his low cross finds Davis whose shot it deflected
wide by the baldy headed ginger bearded monster that is Collins. The corner is met by José whose header is
clawed out by Adrian and Big Vic can’t get over the shot and whacks it into the
crowd.
We manage another decent effort before half time as Tadic
takes aim from 25 yards but Adrian pulls off one for the cameras. It’s all going rather well as West Ham have
offered nothing going forwards and the only nagging fear is that from 45 minutes
of domination, we’re only 1-0 up.
Bilic isn;lt going to die wondering and removes Zarate and
Song and brings on Lanzini and Carroll.
What the fuck has Carroll got on his head. I guess being injured for months on end gives
you loads of time to ponder your hairstyle and the big Geordie hard man looks
like a girl with neat little plaits and corn rows in his hair. What a wanker. Bet he fucking scores though.
…. And there you go… nearly. From a corner, Collins has a
header cleared off the line by Martina but we don’t clear it properly and when
it comes back in, a poor defensive header from Fonte lands at Carroll’s left hoof,
which is his good hoof and he lashes it miles over the bar from 6 yards.
It’s all West Ham but we appear to be keeping them at arms
length and then Cuco Martina reminds me why I always thought he was shite
pre-Arsenal. A diagonal ball from
Collins should be headed away by Martina but he fucks up the trajectory of the
ball and ends up knocking it down to Antonio who is gone, he cuts into the area, gets closed down and
hits the deck appealing for a penalty (which is bollocks) but in steams Big Vic
to clear and his clearance hits the prone Antonio on the arm and loops
ridiculously over Stekelenburg and into the net. Oh fuck off.
How can you run off celebrating that, you wanker. You knew nothing about it and it’s gone in
off your arm.
You may have noticed at this point that there is no mention
of what we’ve done since half time and that’s because we’ve done fuck all
except occupy half of the pitch. Ronald has had enough of the Cuco the Clown show so he brings
on the much 'more reliable' Yoshida in his place at right back, soon followed by
bloody Juanmi and Gaston for Tadic and Mané.
I still reckon it would have been better shoving Mané up front at this
point to pressure the defenders before they took aim at Carroll.
You know it’s going to happen and it’s just a case of
when. Lanzini dragged a shot wide and
Valencia finds space in the area and hammers in a low shot which Stekelenburg
does well to block. The inevitable goal from
the inevitable source arrives with ten minutes to go as Jenkinson makes ground
down the right, Valencia crosses, Antonio arrives totally unhindered by Yoshida
who is supposed to be marking him and he heads against the bar but it bounces
straight to fucking corn row boy and he heads it into the net.
In the remaining 12 or so minutes, we don’t do a lot. Gaston proves that he can’t take a corner
and sets up a West Ham break which ends with Antonio picking out row Z. Full time and fuck off.
So it’s another game to add to the ’45 minute’ appearances
we’ve put in this season. We were
brilliant in the first half aside from only scoring one goal and then absolute
shit in the second half when we just hoped to play out for a 1-0 win and then
once we’d fucked that up, just waited for the inevitable winner for West Ham. Once that arrived we predictably did fuck
all.
The key moment in this defeat is the first West Ham
goal. Ok, it’s ridiculously unlucky how
it ends up in the net with a clearance deflecting on off the arm of a player
who is flat on his face but like the Crystal Palace goal a few weeks back, if
the original punt forward it dealt with by an unchallenged defender then
nothing develops. Martina was the
culprit this time and he reverted to type and looked like a calamity waiting to
happen all game. Just head it or put it
out of play you wanker, like you were taught when you were about 8 for fucks
sake.
It had to be bloody Andy Carroll as well. Never fit but he always scores against us and
he has corn rows in his hair to make him look even more of a bell end. West Ham really aren’t that great without
Payet but they found a way to win the game and we found a way to lose it but
it’s not rocket science – if you only play for 45 minutes out of 90 then you
will lose, especially if you haven’t got the concentration or application to
dig in when things aren’t going well. We
are as fragile as you like and as somas things start going against us we are
gutless and slide to an inevitable defeat.
The dubious goals panel never fails to make me smile. The
Tadic effort was probably going in but it’s gone down as an own goal for
Jenkinson. Antonio is lying on his face
and a ball deflects in off his arm and he gets given the goal. I guess that as Vic’s clearance wasn’t going
in and the ref hasn’t given hand ball then it has to be Antonio’s goal.
Would I have taken 3 points out of 6 from the last two
games? Yes I would after the Spurs
shambles but having won the more difficult of the two, it’s disappointing to
not pick up at least a point here, especially as we were in a winning position.
So, 2015 comes to an end and roll on 2016. I have a feeling that it’s going to be a
struggle for Saints this year and there’ll be much bedwetting a sensationalism
from the media to come – oh good, we have a transfer window to endure.
Happy New Year to all… except Andy Carroll and his shit
house haircut.
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