Europa League Playoff Round 2nd Leg - Midtjylland 1 Southampton 0 (Agg 2-1)

"You See That Big Italian Bloke 70 Yards Away"

Victor Wanyama is ill. 

The Mighty Kenyan who can run through brick walls and survives on a diet of iron filings and rubble and opposition midfielders is ill – with a stomach bug.  It’s a conspiracy of course and he’s in hospital having a medical for Tottenham.  It’s the last few days of the transfer window and Daniel Levy thinks he’d better get going in the transfer market so all his favourite media outlets have been informed and Saido Berahino, Big Vic and some Korean bloke call Son are seeing their names in the papers and having their heads turned, whilst their respective clubs all say ‘not for sale’.   Spurs really are a scumbag of a club.

Anyway, we are in Denmark and Victor is not, so we will talk about Midtjylland and the 2nd leg of the Playoff Round for the Europa League.  I’m of the opinion that it will be a disaster and monumental waste if we fail to progress to the group stages so let’s make sure that we get through.  Ronald is speaking confidently in that we know how the opposition are going to play and we know that we have to score.  I’m of the opinion that we will be fine if we remain patient and I don’t just mean not panicking if it’s 0-0 at half time – I want us to be patient in the build-up and not just look to launch it to Graziano (and probably J-Rod).

Ronald has decieded to stick with the 3-5-2 formation from the Watford game which for those with short memories was a game we didn’t score in.  That formation depends on the full backs providing the width in attack and I’m a bit worried to se Martina and Targett on the wings as Martina is more of  a defender and I’m not sure Targett has the pace to play wing back.  I know we have a lack of options on the left but surely Cédric should be in on the right.  I’m also slightly alarmed to see both Davis and JWP in midfield with Romeo as that’s a pace free zone and pretty much a creativity free zone.  Mané is on the bench so he can write a transfer request and I’m bemused that Tadic is not playing given the aforementioned lack oof creativity and the need for a goal.  Ah well…. Nervous.  Midtjylland have made the one change with the ridiculously named Bak-Bach coming in at right back.  Ready to start and it’s pissing down.

We win a corner from our first long ball forward. JWP is corner is missed by everyone and José dives into it and heads goalwards only for it to be headed off the line. Midtjylland’s first spoling tactic becomes clear from the corner and it’s for the guy at the near post to dive on the ground though in fairness he did get a clip in the face from a flailing J-Rod arm.  It really wasn’t enough to poleaxe him though.

Pellè comes deep and picks up a ball on the right and floats a lovely cross into J-Rod on in the inside left channel. He should smash it left footed on the volley but instead cushions it back behind Davis and it drops to JWP whose shot hits a defender and ricochets away. On 20 minutes, Caulker slings in a ball from the right wing which again is chested down by Pellè to Davis who finds space and hammers in a shot that the parries away.

The game settles into a pattern of long ball rubbish from us and feigning injury from them.  Another corner, another  near post swandive and J-Rod gets a little bit over zealous in trying to pull the wanker to his feet and gets booked so the perfect outcome for the cheats.  They get a free kick, delay the game and the opposition have a player booked.  Well played ref.

J-Rod is getting frustrated after the booking and goes hunting the ball in the left back position.  He wins it and shields it and gets shoved over and usually that’s a free kick.  He’s straight back up and should just knock it out of play but he tries to play a ball to Targett and loses it.  Royer feeds a ball into Rasmussen who nips in front of Fonte and finds himself with a free shot across Stekelenburg which he puts into the far corner to put Midtjylland 1-0 up on the night.  Fucking hell.  It doesn’t in fact make a lot of difference in that we still need a one goal or we’re going out.  It’s bollocks from both Jay and José though and you have to question the positioning of Maya and Matt Targett as well.  Shit goal all round.

Martina, who has spent the game so far going backwards, actually gets a cross in which is cleared and eventually it’s work back to him and he crosses again to J-Rod who flicks a decent header down towards the bottom corner but the keeper saves it comfortably enough.

Hoof, nothing, hoof, nothing, hoof, free kick against Graziano for nothing, hoof, straight to Sparv who heads it away.  Half time and fucking hell this is bad.  Carry on like this and we’re going out.

We come out after half time and almost straight away we’re bombing it forward again.  1-0 defeat coming up then.  They look more likely to score than we do as they’re decent on set plays.  A free kick comes on from the right and Rasmussen, who is always the main target for their free kicks, finds himself free and heads wide.

We are not going to score with these 11 in this formation if we play all fucking night and Tadic is the first to be charged with bailing us out of the shit we’re in. Caulker is the man coming off which immediately strikes me as wrong as we’re losing his threat from corners and he’s played better than Yoshida.  Tadic takes his place on the left of a lopsided looking formation with J-Rod kind of on the right and Tadic gets involved straight away, dancing past a couple of players before hitting a right footed effort a yard wide.  I assume the change is to get some quality in the crosses coming in from the wings.  We still have Martina impersonating a full back on the other side though, mainly getting the ball with space in front of him and turning and going backwards.  But he’s a Curacao international… they must be shit.

J-Rod is at least trying to get something going and he picks up the ball and drives at the defence until he’s cynically taken out by Sparv which earns him a deserved booking.  The free kick is in prime position for a right footed player so I’m hopeful that this is the day that JWP actually scores.  This time it’s heading over the wall and a Midtjylland arm comes up in the wall and deflects the ball.  It’s a penalty all day long but the ref gives a corner.  What the fuck?  Does he think a player’s grown two feet and headed it over.  We have a little complaint but nothing much when we really should have kicked off to try and get a future decision and then we make a complete fuck of the corner, fail to get it into the box, J-Rod loses it, they break and Targett has to take one for the team and scythes down the breaking forward. Luckily, Martina had got behind him to prevent the red card.  Christ we’re shit.

Long is on for J-Rod and Midtjylland produce the best bit of football of the match as Royer plays a nice 1-2 in the box and then sidefoots a decent chance over the bar.  We have produced nothing as inventive as that in the preceding shambles.

The hilariously bad Martina, when under no pressure, then tried to control a high ball in his own penalty area and succeeded in just shinning it back to Stekelenburg.  The crowd and Rasmussen appealed for a back pass but luckily the referee had been watching Martina for the whole game so he knew that there was no way that he meant it.  The final throw is to put Juanmi on.  He’s our 6^th choice forward at the moment and at 5 foot 6, it would take a miracle for him to get on the end of anything bombed forward.  He does fuck all and 90 minutes are up, hoof, hoof, shit, 94, out.  The Danes celebrate like they’ve won the World Cup and fair enough.  Good luck to them.  They had a plan and we were too limited to combat it.  Utter shit.

As a fan, I think of myself as being realistic.  I remember the shocking times and I accept that we have it good now.  I also like to think I call it as I see it and this is how I saw the 90 minutes put in front of me last night.  As an experiment, I ‘spoke’ the next part into my phone straight after the game…

Message starts

That was an absolutely disgusting performance from first to last. We didn't create a single fucking thing from about the 10th minute to the 94th minute.  Just banging the ball long from the centre backs to the strikers and most of the time we weren’t even getting as far as the half way line and delivering from any sort of angle, just hopeful lowest common denominator, League 1 football which was absolutely shit.  Just a waft in the general direction of Graziano and hope for the best.  I know it was a plan to be more direct but when do the management of the players on the pitch realise that it’s not working?

So many of the players were absolutely shit. I'll go through the whole team. Stekelenburg didn't have a chance with a goal and did nothing wrong. Martina was a fucking joke. We needed a goal and all this twat did was turn and go backwards the whole fucking game when he was a wingback who was supposed to get fucking crosses in. Did he take anyone on all game?  He had a centre back playing behind him and he showed no adventure whatsoever.  Useless. I remember saying when he signed that this guy had better be significantly better than Jason McCarthy or Jack Stephens or any of our other kids who can play at right back… and guess what, he fucking isn't. Targett tried his best on the left but he's a boy in a man's world at the moment and looks out of his depth. The booking he got was one he took for the team after some absolutely shit play from us from our own corner which we didn't even get in the fucking box.  He was actually one of our better players tonight.  Yoshida and Caulker were both launching the ball in the vague direction of Pelle and Rodriguez from about 70 fucking yards away and that tactic obviously wasn't working but still they persisted with it. Jose Fonte has been pretty crap this season and today was no exception as he looked indecisive throughout. Davis and JWP are basically the same player, neat and tidy on the ball but neither can defend for shit and neither are going to score and are unlikely to create a goal. Davis is a slightly better defender and JWP has his free kicks which never go in and corners but they should never both be playing as they are too similar. Most of the time we were smashing the ball over their heads anyway so they didn't get much chance to do anything aside from try and get near Pellè for a knock down. Speaking of Pellè, I thought he did okay considering the absolute dog shit service he was given. Rodriguez fucked up on the goal which ultimately didn’t matter but otherwise he was living off of scraps.

Ronald Koeman has had an absolute shocker for about the fourth game in a row. The formation in itself wasn't the problem but the personnel was. Why the fuck wasn't Cedric playing when he can at least get a cross in? Why the fuck didn't he come on as a sub. Why was Sadio on the bench if not to be used in the last 10 minutes? Why send Juanmi on when a) the bloke has not shown anything yet in his admittedly limited chances and b) it was supply we needed. Another striker really is not going to do anything without a decent ball into the box. All you can say about Juanmi at the moment is that he’s not Mayuka.  Also, why take Caulker off when we need a goal? He gets his head on virtually every corner we get and might at least score a goal. Yoshida is never going to score so why take Caulker off?  Yoshida was terrible at the back as well – how many times are you going to get free kicks given against you for jumping with your hands on the opponents head before you realise that the referee has got your number and he’s going too give it every time? Tadic made a difference when he came on but assuming he is not injured, he really should have played from the start instead of one of JWP and Davis.

It was fucking dog shit. I just feel sorry for the fans who invested a lot of money to get out there and support the team in the pissing rain. To reward them, we put in a performance like that. Utter, utter shit. To go out like that against a team as limited as Midtjylland are is nothing short of a disgrace when you've worked all 38 games of last season to achieve the chance of qualifying for the group stages of the Europa league and maybe achieving something quite decent.  If we’d got to the group and got knocked out after winning a couple of games then I could have dealt with that and said it was a decent European campaign.  As it is it was barely worth it.

All is not lost in that Cedric, Bertrand, Clasie, Big Vic , Tadic, Mané and a new centre back will all make this team unrecognisable from the absolute shit house team that disgraced the Southampton badge on their shirts tonight.  Ronald’s comments were worrying too.  Sorry Ron – we weren’t the better side and even if we were, that’s not saying much as we were playing against a team from Denmark who would struggle in the Championship.  We didn’t do enough to win over the two games as our attacking play was so brainless and limited.  You could argue that Midtjylland scored with virtually their only chances over the two games but once they’d scored at St Mary’s, they didn’t need to attack.  Fair play to them and I hope they do well in the group stages.  Hopefully they can beat Spurs or Liverpool. You can also say that we didn’t get the best of the refereeing.  It was clearly a tactic on every corner we had for a Midtjylland defender at the near post to hit the deck and stay there.  Even if he doesn’t get given a free kick (like with Caulker’s header at St.Mary’s) the game is going to be stopped for the trainer to come on because the ref is never going to be sure that he’s taken a dive.  That’s what the extra refs behind the goal was supposed to eliminate I guess but they never influenced the game and they seem to have disappeared. The handball of JWP’s free kick was a poor mistake from the ref but that’s not the reason we’re out – it’s because we couldn’t score from open play in two games and we were generally terrible.

Message ends.

If I hear one more twat talk about concentrating on the league, I swear I will rip their fucking head off. This was a golden chance, as I said, to do something decent and we fucked it right up. The league is next though and we have newly promoted Norwich City as our next appointment on Sunday... at least we won't have too many Sunday games now. The pressure to win that one against Norwich will be quite intense.  This is the first real blip of Koeman’s time in charge of Saints and he needs to turn it around.  Pretty obvious statement, that.

The bigger picture is that you cannot keep selling class players and replacing them and expect the replacements to all measure up straight away.  The players who have been brought in to hopefully be first team regulars are Cédric (not quite up to speed yet), Clasie (injured) and the centre back we haven’t signed yet.  Add that to Ryan Bertrand, Sadio and Big Vic not being there and last night is what you get.  It was the style of football that as most concerning though as it was dreadful.   Personally, I don’t think the bigger picture looks too bad with injured players to come back and whatever is incoming in the rest of the transfer window but please don’t pretend that what we all witnessed last night was anything other than complete shite.

Premier League Match 3 - Watford 0 Southampton 0

The Public React to Another 'Sky Sources' Saints Transfer Exclusive

We’re at the time of the season when the end of the transfer window can’t come soon enough.  It’s an exciting time because your team may well bring in a player or two in the last week like we did last year with Sadio Mané and that greasy haired git who moved to that underachieving shambles in North London.   For Saints though it’s a time for mainly switching on any newsfeed you like and seeing 95% of the stories relating to one of your players being linked to a Champions League Clickbait Club or an Underachieving North London Clickbait Club.

Firstly we had the very amusing transfer of Pedro from Barcelona to Chelsea.  He was supposed to join Manchester United of course and it was a done deal and all that stuff until he signed for Chelsea.  I was laughing along with Jose Mourinho and the next day, the fact (not the word ‘fact’) that United had lost out had been relegated behind a rumour from 'Sky Sources' that United wanted Sadio Mané.  They’ve made a bid, they haven’t made a bid, the player’s unsettled, Saints have rejected the bid that may or may not have been made.  Big fucking yawn.  The facts are that Pedro has moved to Chelsea and it’s very funny and that’s it.  Also funny is that 'Sky Sources' can be both ever present and non-existent at the same time.

After a day of that we got the ‘Victor Wanyama has indicated he wants to leave’.  Oh bloody hell…. So you have to read one or two and there are no quotes so you relax again but it’s irritating that the storm has kicked off again and it’s in your brain.  This time of course it’s Spurs again – greasy haired git says last week that it was easier to be a centre half at Saints with Wanyama in the team plus Pochettino is there plus there’s Spurs fixation with all things red and white.  In amongst all this you have the Saints manager saying ‘no one is leaving’ so that’s that and there’s no need to change the sheets on your bed.  With two years left on his contract I guess those bastards from North London will have to wait until the summer until they can watch him join a big club.

Having said all that, I’m sure Celtic fans are feeling the same as us over the rumours of Virgil van Dijk and his seemingly inevitable move to England but for now, he’s not at Saints or anywhere else so we have to try and get over the last two dodgy results with the existing squad and today, Ronald changes things and we’ve gone with a 3-5-2 formation.  Cédric is in at right wing back with Caulker, José and Maya in defence and Targett on the left.  The very solid looking Big Vic and Romeu in midfield with Steve Davis, Mané and Pellè completing a line-up that looks solid as you like if a little light on creativity.

I’ve almost not acknowledged Watford’s presence this season as they have spent the last few season dealing exclusively in the loan market and every transfer window seems to being in 20 new loan players (usually from the same club) and three new managers.  The Manager today is Quique Flores and their notable players are ex-Spurs keeper Heurelho Gomes, captain Troy Deeney who’s been with them a while and scored loads of goals in the Championship and Etienne Capoue who was one of the players that Spurs thought would replace Gareth Bale.  Needless to say… he didn’t.

Away we go and boooooom from Maya towards Pellè.  If the first few minutes are anything to go by, we’re in for a boring afternoon as we are rigidly sticking to a solid 7 players in front of Stekelenburg and hoping that Mané and Davis will create something for Pellè who immediately look like he’s going to be trying to control throat balls all game.  Playing with three centre backs does give the wide centre backs a bit of license to get forward and Caulker thinks he’s Beckenbauer for a moment and bursts into the Watford penalty are to collect a pass from Davis but it ultimately comes to nothing.  Watford don’t look very good to be honest and their first effort is from Nyom on the right wing but his diagonal drive is closer to the left corner flag than the goal.

Ikechi Anya, the Scottish international with the very un-Scottish sounding name then puts a cross in the same area as Nyom’s shot.  Maybe it’s something they work on in training – if so, Flores will be delighted.  A ball is played over the top to Mané and Nyom tries to block him and fails but Gomes came flying out and collects the ball but he clatters Sadio as well.  A few minutes later and he makes a meal of a challenge from Bahrami and stays down again, gets up and falls over again and he’s done for the day to be replaced by Long.

Shane’s first involvement is to fasten onto a good ball from Graziano down the wing and cut in.  He does superbly to work a shooting chance on his left foot and then does a Shane Long and scuffs the shot straight to Gomes.  After waiting ages for a decent effort on goal, bus theory takes over and we get two.  Football breaks out and ends with Long picking up the ball on the right wing and getting in a good cross which Graziano lunges to meet and flicks his header wide.  Next we have a corner and Davis delivery is met by Caulker who heads it straight at Gomes.  I am really encouraged by the amount of times Caulker gets his head on corners and it’s a matter of time before he scores in a game.  He’s had one in a pre-season friendly, the disallowed goal against Midtjylland, a couple of other efforts against the same opposition and it’ll come as long as we keep aiming at him.

It’s brown trousers time after that though as Fonte tries to head out a punt forward and succeeds only in knocking it down for a Watford player who feeds Anya.  He plays a dangerous ball in front the right but mercifully it’s in front of everyone and Nghalo isn’t really very close to getting a touch.

Watford make a sub at half time with Diamanti, who was an Italian international about 3 years ago, coming on but it Saints who start the second half the better and a lovely move through the middle and down the right eventually sees Davis thread a straight ball through to Pellè to the right of centre and the beautiful Italian lashed a first time shot which Gomes tipped over the bar.  For the corner, Long rose well and flicked a header just over the bar off his quiff.

Fifteen minutes of tedium followed before, on 65 minutes we have a major let off as Jurado wins a corner as he tries to turn Targett three ways at once but the full back sticks to his job.  The corner was swung in and flicked on to the back post where Capoue had a free header from three yards but luckily he lacks the basic technique to head a ball and he shut his eyes and the ball bounced off his shoulder and went over the bar.  Words cannot do justice to just how shite it was.

JWP is on for Steve Davis and following good play from Targett, Cedric and Romeu, Big Vic is teed up for a shot which he hits quite well but Gomes gets down well too save.  We have once more half chance as Graziano chests down a ball on the edge of the box and Cédric comes steaming in and goes for a goal of the season contender which flies narrowly over the bar on the volley.  J-Rod is on for Graziano for the last 10 minutes but to no avail and a game which had largely started badly and then tailed off was over.

Neither team deserved to win and both probably deserved to lose.  The only thing that makes me smile is that the Premier League “Brand” takes a bit of a hammering every time there’s a completely dull game like this one.  It’s hard enough to watch your own team play in a match like this but for anyone neutral, this would have been appalling.  Still – who cares about neutrals sitting there in their half and half scarves.

We always moan about our team being last on Match of the Day but today was so lacking on the entertainment front that it could have been left off Match of the Day 2 altogether and put on a special Match of the Day Zero program at 4am.  It would satisfy the BBC’s contractual obligation to show every game and no one would actually have to watch it.  It’s a solid point and the positive is that we neither let in a goal nor looked like letting one in.  This is Watford however who have just come up so maybe we should be setting out to be a bit more adventurous and win this one.  Mind you, last year against the promoted sides, we lost at Burnley, lost at Leicester and scraped a last minute winner against a shocking QPR side.  Ronald was keen to stress afterwards that we’d been letting in too many goals recently and the need for better defensive organization was paramount. Overall I agree with him and another defeat here would have been tough for everyone.

The trouble today was that once Mané had gone off, the little creativity that we had in the side went off with him.  I would have thought that Tadic would have been the better sub to bring on and that point and maybe because Romeu and Big Vic are a great pair defensively so maybe Tadic could have started ahead of Steve Davis.  Having called for his inclusion, I will say that Tadic seems a bit out of favour at the moment after his abysmal showing against Everton.  With Shane Long coming on as an early sub and being a bit of a liability again, we resorted to hoofing the ball up towards Pellè a bit too often so it was a frustrating afternoon for the Italian.  Elsewhere, José Fonte put in his best performance of the season and other positives included Oriol Romeu, despite maintaining his 100% record of picking up a booking in every match he plays.  Also, if he wants away then Big Vic certainly didn’t show it as he certainly put a shift in.

So – on to Denmark and the return leg against Midtjylland, which I have finally learned how to spell.  It’s a game which could be absolutely anything from a comfortable win to penalties to a frustrating borefest as the Danes waste time from the first minute.  I will be putting money on us winning though and kick starting the league season in the process which we have a great chance to do next Sunday against Norwich at St.Mary’s.  If we do that then the world will seem a better place.

Europa League Playoff Round 1st Leg - Southampton 1 Midtjylland 1

Caulker scores, Disallowed for Dive on the left of Shot

The first thing you notice as you approach St.Mary’s is that it seems to have turned into a kind of Cockney East End market with various ‘geezers’ standing there with arms outstretched, covered in half and half scarves. ‘Get yer souvenir scarves… Europa League, Saints versus Maj, Matj, Mayet…. Madg, Madjy…. Europa League!’.  No thanks mate.

Europe is a funny thing and you often head or European rules being bestowed on Britain and us not liking it, especially Mr Farage.  They’ve bestowed a new law on us and it’s that you can’t take a drink into a stadium in a bottle.  You have to tip it into a plastic pint glass outside the ground and then carry it in, spilling most of it down your leg as you try and put your ticket into the reader and push through the turnstiles.  It is a completely ridiculous rule which achieves nothing of any purpose aside from pissing people off outside the ground and the stewards get flak. The 70-ish year old woman behind me gave it “I’ve never heard such a load of bollocks in my life” as the steward explained it.  I dunno if this rule has been publicised by the club but I’d suggest that the message has not got through.

So – Europa League 3^rd Qualifying Round and a win puts us in the Group stages which however you look at it, will be quite exciting if we make it and we sure should.  Midtjylland are the Champions of Denmark who have dropped into this competition after being knocked out of the Champions League by the Champions of Cyprus.

In their ranks, Midtjylland have Tim Sparv who came up thorough the youth ranks at St Mary’s before becoming disillusioned with Whisky George Burley and his preference of Jamieson’s over Jim Beam and his preference for signing has-beens rather than playing youngsters.  I saw Sparv play a couple of times for the Reserves / Youth teams of the day and he was decent and a big unit and it was a bit of a mystery why he never got a chance.

So here we are for another European game and all is in place, including a random kid behind me who thinks the back of my chair is where he puts his feet.  He’s kicking my chair and I think it’s the drum pattern to ‘We Will Rock You’ and it’s very annoying.  Bring bak the Chuckle Brothers from the Kingsland Stand – all is forgiven.  We have on the face of it, what looks like a more balanced team – Long and Tadic have been left out from Saturday and in come J-Rod and Romeu.  JWP is in for Steve Davis and Caulker for Cédric, meaning that Yoshida has moved to right back.  We have Cédric and Martina on the bench which is a bit odd.  I can understand Cédric not being picked as the opposition are big and physical but why is Martina not picked instead?

A reasonable start ensues but we’ve set up in a 4-4-2 with JWP out on the left and Sadio on the right.  We create the first good chance of the game as Big Vic plays a good ball over the top of the left back for J-Rod who takes it down well and is away and heading towards goal.  When a left footed shot is needed, he tries to bend it intot he far corner with the outside of his right boot and gets it horribly wrong and it just about goes for a goal kick.  J-Rod puts that behind him and slides in a nice reverse ball to Mané whose shot is scuffed slightly and the keeper falls on it.

The French referee is looking pretty good and he actually gives us a free kick for Graziano being shoved in mid air which just never ever happens.  JWP attempts to make the most of this rare occurrence and chips in a decent ball which Caulker meets with plenty of power but no direction.

It’s a bit of a throwback to thebad old days of Wimbledon, Sheffield United and Tranmere when Midjtylland attack as it’s a case of playing for throw ins in the final third.  Once they have a thro in, the right back trots over to take them from both sides.  He has a stupid bun on his head but he can throw it a long way and from one of these, Caulker gets it half away, Sviatchenko heads it back in and Stekelenburg takes off to his left to keep it out.

In the main it’s very disjointed as we seem to struggle withhow we’re set up.  JWP in particular is looking like a fish up a tree but Romeu is coming into the game more and he lets fly from 25 yards with a rising drive which just clears the bar.  Matt Targett produces a run and cross from the left which Big Vic meets and does what Big Vic does – goal kick.

Ronald decides to switch to our more usual 4-3-3 with J-Rod left, Sadio right and JWP in the centre of midfield and we immediately look better.  A short corner routine worked by JWP and Mané ends up with Romeu trying a curler from the edge of the box which looked good as it left his boot but curled straight to the keeper.

Right on half time, Midtjylland build up on our right and a couple of passes and their winger in acres in the penalty area.  His cross is headed out front a central by Fonte straight to Sparv on the edge of the box.  Time stands still as he takes aim and you just know where it’s going.  Bang, bottom corner, 1-0, shit!  Sparv pulls a non-celebration which is a bit odd but it doesn’t make the goal any easier to take.  It’s another goal to put down to poor defending with it being so easy for the winger to find space in the box and José’s header going to exactly where they teach you not to head it on Day 1 at Centre Back school. 

Half time and shit.  Not the confidence booster that we need after the Everton fiasco at the weekend.  We do come out in the second half and make a decent fist of getting back into the game, putting the Danish team under pressure.  Pellè shoots on the turn which is deflected for a corner and JWP’s delivery is good and it is nodded into the net by Caulker and everyone celebrates and the referee has disallowed it for reasons unknown.  Having viewed the replays, there’s definitely no foul by Caulker so I can only assume that he’s given it for the defender who’s hit the deck near Fonte.  Either way, it’s so unclear to be fucking annoying.

We didn’t have to wait too long for our next chance as Pellè superbly chested down a Yoshida long ball, JWP took it on and was tripped by a trailing leg.  Penalty.  I was expecting JWP to take it by J-Rod has the ball and is about to take it when we notice that the prick of a goalkeeper is not in the goal but to the side of it having a drink.  Everyone else is ready but this prick is deliberately not getting in the goal.  It should be a yellow card or better still, the ref should just blow his whistle and let Jay take it but eventually the keeper deigns to get in goal and Jay sends him the wrong way.  Have that you twat. 1-1.

The rest of the second half is a mixture of chances for Saints and Midtjylland players feigning injury so the trainer can come on and waste time and they can get the ball back or give it back to us with a big boot to Stekelenburg.  They’re really taking the piss.  We nearly score on 65 as Targett is brought down by Sisto and JWP arrows over another superb free kick and Caulker is up again, flicking in a header but the keeper reacts well to turn it over.  Targett nearly scores himself as JWP’s shot deflects to him and he takes it on first time but his left footed shot flashes across the goal and couple of feet wide.

I’m all for sportsmanship and all that but I was spewing when the right back with the bun on his head went down after a nothing challenge and because play went on, the twat got back up and was on his feet and playing when Midtjylland put the ball out of play.  The twat then collapsed to the floor again and the trainer came on and eventually of course we had the give them the ball back.  Fuck off!  The bloke was on his feet and fine when they put the ball out. 

J-Rod is looking very dangerous and looking the most likely to score but his number’s up and he’s off for Shane Long.  We win a free kick about 25 yards out just to the right of centre and up steps JWP.  Until he actually sticks one of these in the net for us I’m not going to get too excited about the prospect of a JWP free kick ending up in the net and this one starts off too wide and comes back in just enough to flick the side netting.  It caused some srangled celebrations from the Northam End but it was never going in.  He’s played well today and his set piece deliveries have been good but he’s also off to be replaced by Juanmi

On 88 minutes, the referee eventually decides that it’s time to book a Midtjylland player for timewasting and Bun Head sees yellow for taking a week over a throw in.  Too little too late ref.  To say I’m irritated is an understatement and that’s only increased when Long cluelessly loses the ball and then pulls the shirt of the defender who’s taken it off him.  I know he’s good as a sub sometimes but today he’s been a fucking liability.

There are 6 minutes extra to be added, most of which was for waiting for the trainer to come on to treat a non-existent injury.  There is a bit of urgency but not enough which means we’re going to have to face exactly the same tactics in Denmark next week.  The one chance we do create is a deep cross from Targett which Maya meets well and heads against the post.  Graziano returns the rebound and Juanmi tries a ridiculous backheel which only succeeded in taking the ball away from Long who could have just brought it down and then missed, probably.

We had more farce as the Midtjylland physio and doctor who were obviously well trained in the art of timewasting, came on without permission when another player had yet another fake injury and the get ordered to keep walking and off the other side of the pitch by the referee who finally was getting wise to it.  About an hour too late mate.  Final whistle – balls!

Not a great result on the face of it. We now have to go to Denmark and 0-0 is not an option for us but it will be for Midtjylland so you can be sure that that is what they will be aiming for.  You can tell that’s on Ronald’s mind as well as he used his post match interview to mention the referee doing nothing about the timewasting that went on.  The good news is that in all truth, they’re not very good so we should be able to win over there and get the result we need.

Timewasting is a nightmare and the biggest nightmare is that it needn’t be.  It’s becoming more and more of an issue as it used to be a problem for the lsat five minutes whereas now some teams start early int he first half. Why do referees all wait until he last 5 minutes before someone gets booked for it?  Tell the captains before the game that anyone timewasting will be booked and then follow through on it and book someone even if it’s after 10 minutes.  Usually it’s the goalkeepers who march goal kicks over to the other side of the penalty area but today it was every throw in, free kick and players just generally collapsing and getting the trainer on before springing back to their feet.  It’s not just the lost time, it’s also the disruption to the flow of the game.  

I found this an annoying game and not because we didn’t win... well maybe a bit because we didn’t win.  The starting formation was baffling with JWP on the left wing and Maya at right back.  Also, Sadio is not really a right winger.  It got corrected at the end of the first half and we looked better until they went and scored.  I thought our substitutions were baffling as well – it’s like they are pre-determined.  J-Rod and JWP can’t last 90 minutes so take them off regardless and with that, we took off the two players who looked most likely to get or create a goal for us.  J-Rod was getting stronger as the game went on and looking very dangerous, buoyed no doubt by having scored his first goal since the injury and JWP was brilliant on the set pieces and was showing up well in open play a well.  It didn’t help that the subs who came on did nothing with Shane Long in particular, being a liability just giving the ball away and fouling people with stupid shirt pulls after he’d lost it. 

The positives were the full backs who were both decent with Matt Targett in particular coming back strongly from the Everton game.  If you leave aside the argument of whether he should have been selected or not then Maya was decent and got forward well in the second half, culminating in him hitting the post in the last minute.  In midfield, Big Vic and Romeu showed glimpses of a good partnership which will of course only get stronger as they bed in.  I was particularly impressed with JWP today once he moved off of the left wing.  The set pieces were superb today and in my opinion, he should be ahead of Steve Davis to play in that advanced central midfield role.  J-Rod took a while to grow into the game but was much improved in the second half but that’s how it’s going to be with him for a while as he gets used to playing again.

Roll on next Thursday and the return game which will decide whether our foray into European football was decent or a bit of a damp squib.  Whilst it certainly won’t be the most embarrassing thing ever to get knocked out, it will certainly not be something that was in the script when we qualified.  Keep the faith.

Premier League Match 2 - Southampton 0 Everton 3

The Complimentary Gift Bags were Popular

Last year when we played Everton at home, it was on the back of a few defeats in a row and the win we got kickstarted a run which ultimately went a long way to propel us into Europe.  It’s too early to be a pivotal game this year but it’s certainly one where we should be looking to get our first win of the season as they had a dodgy 2-2 draw with Watford last week.  Everton massively underachieved last season when it seemed that their big players like Lukaku and Mirallas didn’t really want to be there.  Roberto Martinez is one of those managers who I’ve never thought deserves the good reputation that he’s got – he’s not anywhere near Brendan Rodgers in that regard but even so.

The main news for Saints this week has been another players signed with Oriol Romeu joining from Chelsea for about £5 million in what appears to be another good piece of business.  He was decent for Chelsea three seasons ago when he was about 20 but as is always the way, they signed players and he ended up getting farmed out on loan for two seasons.  Last year he played virtually a whole season for Stuttgart in the Bundesliga so he should in theory be up to speed fairly quickly.  As far as the squad is concerned it means that we can now cope with an injury or suspension to Big Vic without having the midget show of Clasie and Reed in midfield.  You remember Clasie yes?  Got injured in his first competitive game for us and then in a comeback game for the Under 21’s, got injured again.

On the walk to the ground over the Itchen Bridge, there’s a bloke in front of me wearing the new away kit which as you know, is a shade of snot.  I really don’t like it.  There are also of course, many thousands of the new home shirt which looks really good and it makes you realise from a commercial point of view, why the kits get changed every year.   Still thinking commercially for a moment, I wonder how many more of the away shirts would have been sold if they were yellow with a blue sash, instead of snot. Why pick a colour that’s going to have a lot of people going ‘yuk’?  Anyway, I refuse to get too hung up on kits though Everton are wearing some sort of olive abomination with the sponsors name in orange on the front.  To my mind, as Everton have a blue shirt which in no way clashes with our red and white, they should be wearing that.

Ronald is back in the dugout, complete with protective boot and he’s proved that last weeks team selection wasn’t an Erwin production by just changing the one player as Shane Long comes in for J-Rod.  We basically have a 4-2-4 formation as there’s no way Long and Tadic have the instincts to play as conventional wingers and track back and all that.  Steve Davis is a defensive midfielder along with Big Vic and Romeu and Reed are on the bench.  I have a little rant to any kids in the family stand who might be listening about how we’re going to be wide open and that we beat these last year by controlling the midfield.  A few of the 8 year olds around me nod in agreement.  The bench doesn’t include Caulker who has sinus problems which is badly timed as I feel that he would have taken Yoshida’s place this week.  When you see Everton’s line up, you realise how much they underachieved last year.  So many good players with Coleman, Stones and Jagielka in defence, McCarthy and Barkley in midfield and Lukaku up front.  The others like Kone and Howard aren’t bad either and then there’s Gareth Barry who is is reaching that ‘I can’t believe he still gets a game’ stage.  They say about players not blessed with pace that they won’t lose that pace as they get older but Barry has and he now runs around backwards.  Every time I see him play he just commits foul after foul after foul.

Before the game there was a bit of a Markus Liebherr tribute on the big screen and the flag which has been out of sight for 5 years made an appearance again.  Then it was time for Super Soccer Motivational Hockey Guy Ralph to take the mic and lead the tributes and thankfully he didn't go on too long as there was a football match to start.

Away we go and the ball goes near Barry who gives away a free kick.  The next time it goes near him he gives away another one.  Senile Old Goat Hodgson in the stand must be impressed.  The first real chance fell to Saints as some neat interplay put Mané away on the left of goal but he rather ran out of pitch to work with and scuffed an effort wide.

Most of us are excited by Cédric Soares but the questions remain over how good a defender he is.  His first job today is to try and get back at Lukaku who is just as quick and twice the weight and he gets brushed off and left for dead.  Targett comes across and slides in, taking a bit of the ball but not enough to not give away a free kick and get a yellow card as well.  Barkley smashes the free kick off the wall and away for a corner.

Mané was though again in an almost identical position as before on 20 minutes but this time he got a decent shot away and Tourettes Tim saved it with his feet and the shit bollocks fuck shit ball deflected away for a corner.  Davis swung in the corner from the right, Pellè flicked it on behind everyone and the ball ended up with Coleman at right back.  Everton broke away like lightning with Coleman feeding Kone who accelerated into the gap where our full backs should have been and clipped over a cross to Lukaku who rose above no one as there was no one near him and buried the header in the top corner, back across Stekelenburg who had no chance at all.  I am not happy… we’ve let in a goal from our own corner for the second week in a row and it just adds to the feeling that we are not set up to deal with the opposition attacking us.

Saints fell to bits and Everton should have gone 2-0 up.  I’ve never seen defending like it as Barkley got the ball on the edge of our box and there was no one near him at all as all our defenders were in the full back positions.  His shot was well saved by Stekelenburg and the rebound fell to Cleverley who whether he plays for Everton, Villa, United, Wigan or England, is complete shit and he bobbled a shot wide of the gaping goal.

Saints were living off scraps by now and Big Vic heading over in average fashion was as good as it got as a corner plopped off his head.  At this stage I was thinking that we would do well to only go in 1-0 down and then Maya thinks he’s Bobby Moore and tried to play a clever pass on the half way line and Lukaku nicks in and he’s gone. He feeds Barkley who delays and rolls a great ball into the path of the rampaging striker who buries it before anyone gets near him. Fucking hell and bollocks, it’s half time.

The only question is how many subs are going to come on at half time.  Targett looks like he wants to come off but that would really be wasting a sub when you’re 2-0 down.  In the event, Tadic is taken off which is fair enough as he’s been as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike and Romeu comes on and even before the restart we look better with the imposing Spaniard standing next to the Mighty Kenyan.

Romeu immediately started demanding the ball and looking like a very good player, playing some nice passes and binning Gareth Barry to let everyone know that he wasn’t going to let anyone have a free ride.  It looked briefly that if we could get one goal we could get back into it but the ref had other ideas and when Romeu went into a tackle on McCarthy, which wasn’t as bad as any of Barry’s early fouls, he got booked.  Graziano had a couple of chances when he connected well with a left footed volley which was straight at Tourette Tim but he should have done much better with a free  header which he ballooned over the bar.

J-Rod was back at SMS in the 65^th minute as Long, who had rivalled Tadic for uselessness, was replaced and then Davis came off for JWP.  We had one more shot as Mané tried a long range snapshot which Howard parried away in true ‘one for the cameras’ fashion.

In truth, we never looked like getting a goal back and it was time for a mass exodus of fans who only like a winning team on 84 minutes as Barkley again found himself in lots of space in the inside left channel and he opened himself out and curled a shot past Stekelenburg and into the far corner to make the scoreline a more accurate reflection of the game.  Naismith had come on for a dive around and he should have made it 4-0 at the end but Yoshida managed his one good bit of defending for the afternoong to take the ball off him as he was about to shoot.

Well that was shite wasn’t it boys and girls?  Regular readers will know that I’m not one for saying that I told you so (unlike some) but his time, I fucking called it before the game that we’d be too open and so it proved – even before they scored the first.  He’s been pretty much immune to criticism since he arrived but Ronald’s had a shocker for the first two weeks in the league.  I wonder what drugs they give you for anaesthetic and pain killers in Dutch hospitals…. He’s on one if he thinks we can play 4 strikers in the Premier League and get away with it.  Compare it to our best form last year when we had the solidity of Morgan and Big Vic and Davis closing down in front of them.  In addition to that we had the best two full backs in the country and the best centre back pairing in front of a rock solid keeper.  We still have the same standard of keeper but the full backs are much weaker defensively and the centre back pair are not as good as a pair and we’ve lost the shield in front of them.  In fact we’re playing with one less player in midfield so what a surprise.  If we look at last years Everton home game, Harrison Reed was all over Barkley from the start to the end and Barkley was awful.  Today he ran the show, scored one, set up one and could have scored another quite easily.

Anyone who blames Maarten Stekelenburg is clueless.  He made a couple of decent saves to keep the score down and had no chance at all with any of the goals which were all scored by a player who had no one marking him or closing him down.  A free header and two free shots under no pressure.  In the first half when we lost the game, the defenders had no shield in front of them as discussed – Big Vic can’t do it all on his own and he spent most of the first half yelling at Tadic and Long to get back and help which they didn’t.  Davis was supposed to pass the ball and get us moving like Morgan did but he just gave it away and defending is not his strong suit.  Individually the defenders were shocking but it’s about more than that.  They all looked better in the second half when Romeu was on.  Cédric is going to have to learn how to defend and quickly.  The battering he was getting down the wing impeded his attacking game as well as he seemed afraid to take on the kid that Everton had at left back when he had the chance.  Targett was ok in the second half but in the first half he was totally exposed and seemed to wilt under the pressure.  I know he’s young but he looked about 14 at one point and seemed desperate to get off the pitch.  It will ultimately do him good that he stayed on and had a semi-decent second half.  You do have to protect youngsters and have a midfield in front of them. 

It’s not all the fault of the formation though – I cannot find a positive thing to say about Maya’s performance.  The shocking pass he played for the killer second goal allowed Lukaku play the eventual 1-2 with Barkley before running through and scoring, was typical of his lackadaisical approach all game.  He always struggles against big bruising centre forwards and just panics.  Even at the end he was still lunging in like an idiot and trying to get in front of Lukaku and missing the ball altogether.  As mentioned, Long and Tadic helped no one defensively and no one should be surprised at that being as they are, a striker and a Number 10.

The defensive shield from the defensive midfielders is absolutely vital in the Premier League.  Nigel Adkins learnt that the hard way when we were getting humped regularly when we first came up.  With Morgan and Vic we’ve been spoilt, as have the defenders playing behind it.  Look at Lovren once he didn’t have it and even Alderweireld is struggling at Spurs for the same reason and today, he even pointed it out that there was no pressure on the ball from the Spurs midfielders.  I dunno what Ronald has against Harrison Reed but we wouldn’t have lost 3-0 if he’d played from the start instead of either Tadic or Long.  The one positive from the game is that Oriol Romeu looked decent in that defensive midfield role, despite Mr Card Happy Oliver clipping his wings with an early yellow card.

It’s not all bad – after today I see a midfield three of Big Vic, Romeu and Clasie with Davis and JWP on the fringes should we need to tinker.  We of course need a new centre half and things conspired against us today with Caulker being unavailable.  He’d have handled the physical aspect of Lukaku better than Yoshida (mind you, so would my 10 year old) but Lukaku is a terrifying beast when he’s in the mood like he was today and like he was when on loan at West Brom and they stuffed us 3-0 at St Mary’s when Pochettino was in charge.  When you have pace and power and you’re built like a fucking tank and you fancy it and you get given the ball in the right areas – it’s hard to stop.  Aside from Lukaku, Everton had other stand out performers like Barkley who was brilliant.  Senile old goat Hodgson was there to see it so expect him to pick Tom Cleverley for the next international.  The defence of Jagielka and Stones dealt well with Pellè and Mané who were decent for us and I particularly like McCarthy in midfield who just did the holding job that none of our midfielders did in the first half.

The advantage of being in the Europa League of course is that we have a game straight away to get over it against Midtjylland at St.Mary’s on Thursday.  Hopefully we’ll get a fully focussed display and a thumping win like against Vitesse to make the return leg a formality and enable us to go into the next league game, away at Watford, in good heart – that’s both fans and players.  The complete gubbing we got today is a massive wake up call to anyone from the manager, through to the players, through to the staff, through to the fans who though we just needed to turn up to win games.  That’ll never be the case for Southampton FC.  It hasn’t been that way for any of the 40 years I’ve been watching so why should it be that way now?

Premier League Match 1 - Newcastle 2 Southampton 2

Graziano looks on as Shane gets his Ribs Broken

They’ve hardly mentioned it on Sky so you may not be aware but the Premier League is back and Saints feature on Day 2 courtesy of our Europa League exertions.  Newcastle were of course a shambles int he second half of the season under the bizarre management of John Carver and they appointed Steve McClaren in the summer who failed to get a Derby in the playoffs in the Championship when they really should have got promoted automatically with the squad they had.  McClaren is of course an ex-England manager where he failed to get the so called golden generation to the finals of Euro 2008.  Since then he’s been crap at Forest, crap at Derby and crap at Wolfsburg – only bucking the trend when winning the Eredivisie with FC Twente.  He succeeded there because he speaks fluent Dutch.  His language skills will enable him to converse perfectly with new signing Giorginio Wijnaldum as well as having a chat with Ronald and Erwin after the game.  For my own part, I’ve never liked him and I see him as a forerunner to Brendan Rodgers in the grinning smug tosser stakes who somehow has a great reputation based on not very much at all.

Mike Sports Direct Ashley appears to have loosened the purse strings a bit, bringing in a new spine to the team with the aforementioned Wijnaldum, Aleksander Mitrovic up front and Chancel Mbemba in defence.  He’s shelled out about £40 million overall but the RRP was £130 million and the goods were stacked three miles up in the air and had to be got down with a massive pole with a hook on the end.  The three players came with a complimentary bastard great coffee mug.

In a week where Chelsea have been panned for their players speaking about a player at another club in reference to him signing for Chelsea, it was somewhat disappointing to find that we’ve done the same with José Fonte going to print with how good a player he thinks Virgil van Dijk is.  That’s for another day but in the present, Ronald is in a Dutch hospital having had his achilles tendon operated on and Erwin Koeman is in charge today.  Our line-up is eye-catching in that we have what looks like a 4-2-4 formation with Steve Davis as one of the defensive midfielders.  Tadic, Mané, Pellè and J-Rod all starting... wow!  Of course, this is great for J-Rod but assuming he’s going to be deployed on the left, let’s hope he has the legs to give Matt Targett a hand at left back in the same way that Tadic probably won’t help out Cedric on the right.  Personally I’d have started with Harry Reed ahead of one of the forwards but he’s on the bench, along with Stephen Caulker who hasn’t displace Maya (yet) and Shane Long who has recovered from whatever illness he had.

I was hoping to see the useless Newcastle from last season but as soon as the game kicked off ..... ah, they’re better than last year.  From the opening whistle we looked wide open and they soon won a free kick on our right as Cédric tripped Obertan.  The resulting free kick was poorly defended and it flicked off of Davis and was well claimed by Stekelenburg.  Next up as a good block by Davis as Newcastle poured down our left and Sissoko teed up Wijnaldum.  J-Rod was not really ont he ball defensively and Targett was completely isolated.  The early pressure was wrecking any composure we might have had and Cédric was into the book for a foul on Wijnaldum.  At the other end of the pitch, Cédric had our first chance as Tadic chipped a ball over the defence and Cédric bundled past Coloccini who bottled the challenge but then found himself too close to Krul who blocked the shot as soon as it left his boot.

Papiss Cisse is a strange player.  He had massive impact when he signed for Newcastle as a replacement for Demba Ba and he scored loads of goals and that is completely at odds with the clumsy oaf with no first touch that I see before me.  He has a horrible dive after a nothing challenge and fails to get booked and then hits a shot straight into Stekelenburg’s midriff when he had the whole goal to aim at.

‘End-to-end’ game is a cliché but it happens to be accurate as Tadic let fly from 30 yards and saw Krul scramble across to tip it wide before Newcastle got the ball gifted to them by a stupid Mané backheel in the right back position.  The cross caused havoc and Coloccini tried to ball juggle it past Yoshida who stuck an arm up and I’d have been howling if that wasn’t given for us.

Though we’d created a couple of chances, it still felt against the run of play a bit when we scored.  Mané ijnked his way across field, fed Cédric who was allowed time to measure a cross and big beautiful Graziano got himself in between Janmaat and Mbemba and thumped a textbook header down and inside the near post with Krul getting a hand to it but being unable to keep it out.  Three in three for the big man.  Maybe he’s going to do even better than last season.

Far from kicking on after scoring, we allowed ourselves to get a pasting, mainly through Sissoko who was finding all sorts of space on our right.  Our defending resembled a team of 8 year olds playing against a force 9 gale.  We tried to clear it and we failed and the ball kept coming back.  Fonte and Yoshida in particular were all over the place.  J-Rod finally made it back into a defensive position and there were more handball appeals as the ball hit his chest but he was waving his arms all over the place.  Up the other end, we broke and Pellé put Tadic away and his cross was met by J-Rod but it was a bit of a 50p-head effort and went well wide.

With our eyes being on hanging on until half time, Newcastle attacked again and Haidara swung over what looked like a hopeful ball from the right but it looped up off of the challenging Mané and looped perfectly (for Newcastle) over Stekelenburg and basically landed on the goal line where Papiss Cisse ran it into the empty net with his chest.  Ok, it’s lucky because the cross has deflected and looped straight to him but why has no defender gone with him.  Just going with him might be enough to put him off because he’s crap but unchallenged strikers tend to score when given a chance from one yard.

With Cédric looking like a red card waiting to happen, Erwin had received the message down the Batphone from Ronald to take him off and bring on Cuco Martina.  The real problem in the first half was how open we were and how little control we had in midfield so I was disappointed that Reed wasn’t on for J-Rod.

Having said that, J-Rod charged forwards at the start of the second half and was taken out by Mbemba on the edge of the box.  Davis swung in a superb free kick for everyone to attack and Yoshida had a free header from 6 yards with just Krul to beat.  He heads it, everyone jumps up and shouts ‘GOAAAAAAAA.....fuck.  Krul has fallen back in the goal with his legs flapping and somehow kicked it over the bar for a corner.  You can say it’s unlucky and you can say that Krul makes a great save and both of these statements are true but come on! It’s a free header from 5 yards and you have to bury the bastard thing.  Maya just lets it head his head and plop downwards.  From there, even if Krul gets something on it he should be in the net with the ball.  Whilst we’re all wondering how on earth Maya hasn’t scored, the corner is cleared, Targett tries to return it but gives it straight to Cisse.  He puts Obertan away on the right and he skins Targett before lumping over a cross which Wijnaldum meets on the run as Martina just stands and watches him and the new darling of St.James’ Park shows Maya how to give the keeper no chance by thumping his header past Stekelenburg to make it 2-1. Newcastle should be kicking off at 2-1 down and instead of that, we are. For fucks sake.

Shane Long come on for J-Rod and takes up the same position on the left hand side.  For Newcastle, on comes Mitrovic.  Targett takes a throw in and Davis knocks it back to him and Mitrovic piles through Targett after he’s cleared it, knocking him miles up in the air.  The ref gives him a yellow which is very fortunate for him.  In an away game that’s a red card all day long.  Almost straight after that he smashes into Yoshida with an elbow raised.  The ref gives a free kick but the inevitable 2^nd yellow doesn’t come out.  Bullshit.  To add to the sense of bullshit, Mané breaks away from Colback who pulls him back by the arm, grabs his shirt and because he still hasn’t stopped him, kicks his legs away.  There are three yellow card tackles in this one incident alone.

Having not really strung much together for the previous 80 minutes, out of nowhere we suddenly looked like the better and fitter side as Newcastle dropped off and we passed it around and keep possession until the Mighty Kenyan sorts it out, gives it to Tadic on the right who cuts back onto his left and sends over a cross which was met by Long in the same channel in between Mbemba and Janmaat and his header gave Krul no chance as it nestled in the top corner.  Get in there.

It’s all us now and Newcastle look out on their feet.  Davis plays a lovely ball inside Janmaat to put Mané away and he snakes into the box and pulls the trigger only for Colback to throw himself int he way and pull off an excellent block.  The five minutes of injury time are almost all spent in Newcastle’s half and Mané again picks up the ball and jinks past Colback and Coloccini and the whole goal opens up.... and he puts it wide.  Balls.  Full time.

What a strange game.  We were so open in midfield and dodgy at the back that you have to say that a point was decent, however, at 2-2 we had all the play and with 15 minutes to go, we really should have gone on to win it through Sadio Mané.  Erwin Koeman agreed with that and seems to be even more blunt than his brother but he didn’t say ‘shit happens’ in the Match of the Day interview which was a bit disappointing.  Overall, you have to say that 2-2 is a fair result as they were the better side for the first half and most of the second.  The referee shouts seemed to be quite even as well with the Geordies wanting the penalty off the Yoshida (alleged!) handball and they’ll think that Cédric could have been sent off whilst on another day, both Colback and certainly Mitrovic, could have walked.  Yoshida’s missed header is still killing me...

I heard Adam Blackmore on Radio Solent afterwards saying that it looks like Saints will score lots and let in lots this season.  We sure will let in lots if we set up with 4 strikers and Steve Davis as a defensive midfielder.  To be fair to Davis, he was excellent today but playing him there and picking J-Rod showed either that we thought we could blow Newcastle away or that the management don’t trust Harrison Reed to play in the midfield yet.  If it is the case that Reed isn’t ready then I think we need another defensive midfielder to go with the centre back we are obviously chasing.  Ronald did say he wanted two signings...

Newcastle were better than usual but then again, teams always play like they give a shit on the opening week of the season. McClaren will always be a cock and I trust him to ensure that they under perform for the season ahead.  The new signings do look decent though, particularly Wijnaldum who looked formidable in midfield along with Sissoko.  Bearing in mind what I mentioned earlier about us needing a midfield player, maybe Wijnaldum is a Dutch player who we missed out on.  As said earlier, Mitrovic, who was built up by McClaren as a nutter before the game, proved him right and should have been sent off and then you have Mbemba who seems to have got a favourable review from everyone because he rocked up to the game in a tuxedo.  When he got changed out of the tuxedo he totally lost Graziano for the first goal and was nowhere for Shane’s goal but I guess that rocking up in a tux is enough to get you an 8 out of 10.

Now we have a rare week off before the opening Premier League game at SMS against an Everton side who were just minutes away from losing at home to Watford on Saturday.  They were pretty poor last season and maybe Chelsea can do us a favour and sign Stones before we play them.  Leighton Baines got injured in the Watford game so we won’t face him which in my opinion is a bad thing as he can’t defend which is a hallmark of all Roberto Martinez sides.  Bring it on.

Europa League 3rd Qualifying Round 2nd Leg - Vitesse Arnhem 0 Southampton 2 (Agg 0-5)

"Shit Happens Brother"

Saints first away trip in Europe since 2003 should be a formality with a 3-0 lead over Vitesse from the first leg.  There is always the chance that it could go horribly wrong but unlikely, given that they’re not that good.  I guess it depends on what team Mourinho picks for them.  During the week, the West London Employment Agency farmed Vitesse out another youngster as Dominic Solanke joined.  He’s a striker and I’ve no idea if he’s any good or not.  That makes 5 players out on loan from Chelsea to Vitesse.  I might have covertly expressed this opinion before but I think it’s bollocks.

The Dutch, in keeping with their friendly image, have laid out the flags for us with a fan park in Arnhem, decorated partly in Saints colours which works in a number of ways – it gives ticketless fans somewhere to watch the game, or somewhere to congregate to have a beer beforehand and it also keeps fans in one place and it makes the job of the local Police that much easier.  The downside of it is that the collecting of fans in one place makes it an easy target for any random group of nutters who want to turn up so there ended up being a big ruck when the Feyenoord crew turned up.  Of course, the initial reports only said that there had been a ruck and 53 had been arrested.  It turned out there were only 3 English arrests so I think we can safely assume that our fans behaviour was pretty good.

There were always going to be some issues around this game as the allocation of 1400 for Saints fans could have been sold many times over and with a general sale going on for the home end, there was always going to be Saints fans in the home end but in the ground at least, all seemed well.  In keeping with our intent to take this competition seriously, Ronald went with a strong team.  The back 4 was messed about a bit with Martina in for Cedric, Caulker in for Targett with Yoshida at left back.  JWP came into the midfield in place of Clasie and J-Rod made it onto the bench for the first time since his injury in place of Shane Long who was ill and didn’t travel.  Vitesse left out the nutter Achenteh which was a bit of a shame as an early penalty would make the evening that much easier.  The one injury for us that was being reported was one to the manager who had done his achilles tendon in training.  There was a question mark over whether he’s be on the touchline tonight but there he was with crutches and a protective boot.

With no Achenteh on the pitch to give us an early chance by hacking someone over, the responsibility fell to the aptly named Diks who hauled down Tadic about 30 yards out on the left.  JWP’s delivery was cleared back to him and he in turn knocked it wide to Tadic.  The cross came over, JWP tried to control it and failed but Pellè took over, nipped it round and defender and buried it left footed across the Room and into the far corner.  Game, Set, Match, 4 minutes gone.

Vitesse had no choice anyway but now they have even less and have to have a go.  Caulker makes his first contribution in a Saints shirt and blocks Rashica’s shot when he’s been set up by Brown after some shandy defending by Davis.  However, the new biy got lucky from the resulting corner as he ballwatched and allowed Rashica to get himself free to meet the corner on the volley but he bounced his shot into the ground and over the bar.

With no Clasie in midfield, our defensive screen is not as great as it could be and Vitesse keep on creating chances from the edge of the box.  It was giving us a chance to have a good look at Caulker and he showed up well with a good block to deny Rashica before he could shoot.  Shots were coming on from the edge of the box, mainly from Qazaishvili who was threatening supporters in the crowd rather than the goal.  Centre back van der Werff did at least get on to go straight and Stekelenburg easily flipped it over the bar.

Saints were doing very very little aside from getting through the game without trying too hard.  We had one notabvle chance as Pellè did really well to tee up Mané who should have scored from the edge of the box but Room got down well to keep it to 1-0 on the night.  As half time approached, Big Vic had a little dive in the box which just looked silly and Martina ent into the book for an untidy tackle when he trashed the forward with both his feet and one arm.

I’m on holiday, watching the game on a dodgy internet stream which is all pixellated and rubbish but as the camera pans round the crowd before the 2^nd half starts, I can quite clearly see Saints fans in half and half scarves.  It’s a bit of a contradiction for e as with numerous ‘aways’ required to get a ticket for this game, I expect the Saints end to contain the real hardcore, the kind who would not be seen dead in a half and half scarf, which for me is the uniform of a day tripper with an iPad filming the game.

We started the second half with as much pace as Ronald had shown when disappearing down the tunnel on his crutches.  More shots from the edge of the box and more rubbish that was nowhere near the goal from Qazaishvili.  I wonder if modern coaching is that sophisticated that the players know that it’s not worth bother closing down Qazaishvili as he hits the target from outside the box 0.002% of the time and the last time was in a school game in Georgia when he was 12.

The game was tediously boring to say the least until even Ronald got bored and hooked Tadic for Juanmi and then Pellè for J-Rod, making his first competitive appearance for 16 months.  Almost his first act was to pick up the ball 30 yards out, take a touch and lash it fractionally over the bar.  Another sub as Harry Reed came on for Davis and Mourinho replaced one Chelsea player with another as Pantic came on for Baker.  There was another Chelsea for Chelsea substitution as well which just adds to distate over the loan arrangement with Brown being hooke and replace with Nathan... which is pronounced ‘Narrtan’.  The internet feed is good enough to pick up Ronald who, in response to the referee ignoring a clear foul on Big Vic, let rip with some great expletives which the commentator had to apologise for.

Nathan is well on his way to being a true Chelsea player when he has a dive and wins a free kick which we clear easily enough.  The ball ends up back with the Vitesse defenders who get grief fromt he crowd  when they knock it back to the keeper.  The keeper gives it back to the defender who of course, is not going to play it back this time and a Chelsea defender called Pantic got possessed by the spirit of Ronald Koeman and started strolling out of defence before discovering he was more Neal Trotman than Koeman as he passed the ball straight to Sadio Mané who accelerated away and slotted it past Room from the edge of the box.  It was a truly abysmal piece of defending which could only have been funnier if Dejan Lovren had done it.

It looks like we might get another as Mané raced away on the left before running into Diks who pulled out a rugby tackle and then pulled an innocent face when a free kick was given against him.  JWP delivered well and a combination of J-Rod and Big Vic thumped a header goalwards but Room, the generally pretty good Vitesse keeper, clawed it away well.  Final whistle, job well and truly done.

When we got drawn against Vitesse I had an uneasy feeling that this was going to be difficult so to dispatch them 5-0 on aggregate is a pretty good effort and it really was as simple as it looks and done in a textbook fashion.  3-0 at home and no away goal conceded and score early in the return game to leave them needing 5.  Vitesse played with spirit but they simply weren’t good enough.  Job done and Koeman would have been delighted as he limped off.

It was good to have a game with no tension in it.  There wasn’t very much anxiety before the game and Graziano’s goal made it very straightforward.  Caulker had a solid enough debut despite some obvious rustiness and Martina was decent enough down the right.  I do like the look of Stekelenburg in goal as well – his kicking looks very good and he’s the solid, unfussy type of keeper in the same mould as Fraser Forster.  Up front we looked good with Pellè and Mané and hopefully we can see Sadio played up the middle more this season.  Dave Merrington would be very happy with this… I haven’t heard Big Dave’s opinion today but I’m guessing that he’s banging on in the same way that he always does.  The negatives in the performance were that Tadic and JWP were invisible and I think I saw Maya in the Vitesse half once all game which is always going to be a problem when he plays in the full back position.

The draw for the playoff round which is the last round before the group stages, was conducted in a similar way to the previous draw in that there was a pre-draw of a group of 6 unseeded teams who we could play against.  One of them was Asrta from Romania who knocked out West Ham who decided to field a team of kids in the 2^nd leg and consequently, deservedly got beaten.  To be fair, none of the unseeded teams look particularly difficult opposition and we ended up with the Champions of Denmark, FC Midtjylland.  I wanted to play Norway’s Odd Ballsklub but they’ll have to wait.  All in all it a real chance to get into the group stages with my two favourite clubs, Spurs and Liverpool.

Thoughts now turn to Sunday and the Premier League against Newcastle and the first game for Steve McClaren who always was and always will be, an arse.  Personally, I think this is a tough game to have first and if you offered me a draw now, I’d take it.  Hopefully Clasie will be fit, Long will have recovered and the only injury we have to contend with is the one to the manager.  When asked about his brothers injury afterwards, Erwin Koeman’s comment was ‘shit happens’. Brilliant.

Europa League 3rd Qualifying Round 1st Leg - Southampton 3 Vitesse Arnhem 0

He's Beautiful and He's Back

I don’t ever remember the first competitive game of a season being an important European game but here we are on the 30^th of July at home to Vitesse Arnhem in the Europa League.  It’s important for a number of reasons but mainly because we spent all last season talking about the possibility of European football and having played 38 games to achieve it, we now have to take it seriously and not get knocked out before the season starts and before yours truly gets back from a badly timed family holiday.

It’s a bit of  a landmark moment when you consider where we’ve come from.  The bottom of League One to a Europa League match in 6 years.  Markus and Katherina must be very proud and I’m sure Nicola Cortese is somewhere, stroking the white cat on his lap, looking at his expensive Swiss watch before leaping to his feet and kicking the hell out of a television set as someone switches on the BT Sport coverage from St Mary’s.

Getting drawn against the highest ranked non-seed sent a few shudders through the body but hang on a minute – this is the team that finished 5^th in the Dutch Eredivisie – a know that league inside out and we’ve just played a few Dutch sides in friendlies who are of similar, if not better standard.  It’ll be ok… won’t it… if we turn up and take it seriously.

One clue of course was the starting line-up which looks strong.  Cedric is in at right back and the only question mark for me was Targett or Martina at left back and the English youngster won.  There were a couple of eyebrow-raisers on the bench or not on the bench with J-Rod and Stephen Caulker not making it, Jason McCarthy on the bench ahead of both Jack Stephens and Jordan Turnbull and Paolo Gazzaniga being the reserve keeper ahead of Kelvin Davis.  Gazza does actually look to have improved over the last 6 months whereas Kelvin is now in possession of a shiny new bus pass so I’m not overly surprised at this.

Vitesse are Chelsea’s bitch club.  It’s really hard to see what Vitesse get out of the deal as I assume they are told that the youth players they got loaned by Chelsea have to play (else what’s the point) and the players they are getting loaned are just kids. It’s not like they’re loaning them Loic Remy or John Obi Mikel to keep them sharp in case Jose decides to change his team once in a while and play the odd reserve.  No, it’s Izzy Brown and Lewis Baker – players who you would be amazed if they ever play a first team game for Chelsea and astounded if they played more than ten.  It’s another thing that stinks about the modern game that a super rich Premier League Club can basically toy with one of the best teams in Holland and more ammunition for my argument that the loan system as it stands at the moment is a joke.

If I was king (and I’m sure Blatter and Platini see themselves as kings) I’d look to move towards abolishing the loan system all together so competitions aren’t distorted and clubs actually have to take responsibility for their players, so the super rich actually had to work and be selective, rather than just hoovering up as many youth players as they can in the vague hope that one might make it.  I’m aware that we’ve just signed two players on loan but to my mind, we really shouldn’t be allowed to sign two players contracted to Championship clubs on loan.  The whole system is screwed but it’s a massive debate that no one seems to care about.

Meanwhile, back at St Mary’s, the game starts and we quickly try to go 1-0 down as a poor defensive header by Maya plops down in to Djurdjevic who fires across goal, past Stekelenburg and inches past the far post whilst the crowd collectively goes ‘shit’.  When we attack we’re not looking too shabby with Mané finding space and sending a ball though to Tadic who is trashed by the defender and our momentary ‘last man, red card’ outrage is squashed by an offside flag.  The offending defender was a Achenteh who has the look of a complete thug but more of him later.

Our first effort on goal is from a corner as Steve Davis swings it in and Maya is all alone but his header flies straight at Room in the Vitesse goal.  Making a quiet start (for ‘quiet’, read ‘poor’) start to his Saints career is Jordy Clasie who sells José Fonte short with a simple 10 yard pass and we give a corner away which is cleared easily and it’s back up the other end for another corner as Big Vic, Davis and Mané combine of the right before Sadio’s potential through ball too Graziano is cut out.  Tadic keeps up his form from last year and swings over a shocker which luckily come back to him – a decent cross falls eventually to Big Vic about 12 yards out and he has an age to shoot but it’s too close to the keeper who parries it our to Yoshida who lashes it horribly wide.

It appears to have turned out way fully now with Vitesse leaving one up and hoping for the best.  Davis picks out the keeper with a shot and Tadic picks him out with a free kick which sails about a mile over any Saints player who might have got a touch and straight to the keeper.  It’s the sort of free kick that makes you wonder if they ever practice.

Down the right hand side we go with Cedric moving the ball to Tadic who feed infield to Mané.  With a perfectly weighted ball to find the perfectly timed run from the perfectly formed Graziano who lashes a perfect shot past Room and into the roof of the net.  Brilliant move – superb finish – 1-0.  Vitesse show no more inclination to attack than they did at 0-0 and on 45 we win another corner.  Davis plays a shot one to Mané who turns past his marker and Achenteh steams across and just barges him over.  The only surprise to me is that there was any argument about it as asking if this was a penalty is a bit like asking if the Pope is Catholic or if bears defecate rurally or if Bournemouth fans have chips on their shoulders.

Now, last season Dusan Tadic was a terrible penalty taker but he’s up for it again and this time, instead of the horrible dribbler down the middle, he sidefoots it hard and low and emphatically into the bottom left corner and it’s 2-0 at half time and happy days and a real chance to put the whole tie to bed in the second half, let alone the first leg.

Having said that we have a great chance to put the tie to bed, we then play like drains for the opening fifteen minutes of the second half.  Steve Davis and Tadic pick up deserved yellow cards for deliberate fouls and our only chance falls to Pellé who latches onto a poor header from the hopeless Achenteh and lashes over the bar.  Jordy Clasie brings a very quiet debut to an end by appearing to get a knock and limping off to be replaced by Juanmi and Shane Long is on for Tadic.  This leaves us with four strikers on the pitch in front of Big Vic and Davis.

Vitesse have thrown on another Chelsea player in Pantic and he has a great chance to equalize as Davis is as weak as you can possibly be in midfield and Pantic is clean through as he fastens onto a header forward.  He fires across the keeper and Stekelenburg gets down to superbly block in exactly the same way that Kelvin Davis wouldn’t have done.

It really has gone to ratshit and Koeman does not look happy on the sideline as the game limps on.  With ten to go, Vitesse throw a free kick into the box and it drops to Rashica who has a free shot but he puts it in the crowd.  Rashica isn’t a Chelsea player in case you were wondering if they did actually have any of their own players.

Jose Mourinho would have been kicking his TV in when one of his kids, Lewis Baker, plays a shithouse of a pass across the pitch to the centre back and Long is in and bearing down on goal.  As the keeper comes out, Shane does his best impression of someone who has no idea how to score and just runs into him.  The ball falls to Juanmi who makes his first contribution of the game by standing up a superb cross for Shane to head into an empty net.  3-0 and job done.  There’s jus time for Harrison Reed to come on for Mané and that’s it.

Firstly, it’s about the result and 3-0 is more than decent, especially when you consider that on the same night, West Ham Fair Play United drew 2-2 at home to a Romanian side I’ve never heard of and had their 3^rd player sent off in 5 matches.  The performance however was a bit ropey as we only seemed to turn up for ten minutes in the first half but it was enough.  Vitesse were as disjointed as we were so you’ve got to assume they’ll be better in the 2^nd leg but really, with a 3-0 lead the job is all but done.

There was an interesting comment on the BT Sport commentary that Vitesse had more English players in their starting line up than we did.  We only had Matt Targett but there was no mention of Caulker, Bertrand, Rodriguez & Forster in the stand, nor Reed, McCarthy or Ward-Prowse on the bench.  Anything for a good line though eh chaps…  I found it quite amusing that Senile Old Goat Roy Hodgson was in the crowd though he was probably looking at the two Chelsea lads because that’s how it works.  Apparently he’s told John Stones that he won’t lose his England place if he moves to Chelsea and doesn’t play.  Ridiculous.

The return leg in Vitesse should be a pretty stress free occasion as long as we approach in properly.  I can’t see us resting too many players but I expect Steven Caulker to play and maybe Harrison Reed instead of Clasie who has a bit of a hamstring issue.  So – the season has started and it’s started with a win and that’s all you can hope for really.  I feel that we’re in good shape with the squad but there’s room for one more centre half.  Maybe John Stones will fancy getting a few games for us instead of sitting on his arse or playing for Vitesse Arnhem.