Premier League Match 21 - Manchester United 0 Southampton 1

"You're only Jealous You Fat Twat"

Oh look we’re playing Manchester United again only this time it’s at Old Trafford, the Theatre of Dreams, the Republik of Mancunia and all that complete wank.  Can’t stand them.  You admired them of course if you were feeling fair minded when Taggart built a succession of great teams, usually around their youth products who he supplemented with world class players.  You could never like then but you could admire them.  They hadn’t just found themselves being the richest fish in the pond and bought everyone like Chelsea or Manchester City had but that was yesterday.  The current Manchester United are everything that their fans used to goad City and Chelsea about.  They’ve just paid stupid money to prop up a neglected squad.  Neglected because the good players got old and the youngsters they usually bought weren’t very good.  It seems odd that in these Financial Fair Play times that we live in, that they can be millions of pounds in debt and still buy Angel di Maria, Daley Blind, Marcos Rojo, Radamel Falcao (loan but ridiculous wages) and Luke Shaw as well as fund astronomical wages for Wayne Rooney, Juan Mata and Robin van Persie etc etc..

The man spending the money is Louis Van Gaal who has a touch of the Ferguson’s about him in his arrogance.  Fair play to him though as he’s managed to get them to 3^rd in the league without ever playing really well and having a defence which could be described as anything from mediocre to shambolic.   Smalling, Jones and Evans, McNair and Blackett are all pretty average to be fair but he’s got away with it so far, mainly due to the annoying brilliance of David de Gea in goal.  If Saints can get on the front foot and control the midfield – we can definitely win this.  Oh yes… and throwing goals in our own net like we did when we contrived to lose to them at St Mary’s is something we need to avoid.

This game is the first of 3 games in 7 days for us so we could do with everyone being fit.  Clyney is the obvious one we need back and Eljero Elia is available for the first time which is good.  Some kind of good news is that Sadio Mané doesn’t seem to be as badly injured as initially thought which of course means that he’s off to the African Cup of Nations with Senegal after all.  Maya Yoshida is also absent having gone off to play in the Asia Cup with a new 3 year contract in his pocket.  I like Maya – he has his wobbly moments but he’s a good player and when he comes into the side he’ll do a decent job.  Also, he won’t piss and moan when he’s not in the side or talk shite in the press.  He seems a decent stand-up guy who I imagine gets on with everyone (apart from Wilfried Bony who appeared to want to kill him for some reason).

The transfer window is of course open again and though the feeding frenzy hasn’t been as bad as in the summer, the guesswork has started with Morgan Schneiderlin being linked to a lot of teams who are lower than us in the table.  On the positive side, we have Elia and we appear to be looking to to tie up a 4 year deal for Toby Alderweireld.  If this is all we do in this window then I’ll be delighted.  He’s already right up there with the best we’ve ever had at centre back so it would be quite something to get him to stay.  Aside from securing a genuinely world class player, it would send a serious message to other players and other teams.  The media wouldn’t get it of course and would still link all our players with Liverpool.

To the teams and Clyney is fit and the only surprise really is that Eljero Elia is pitched straight in with Dusan Tadic on the bench.  United have their usual collection of ridiculous overpaid superstars.  Luke Shaw is playing as is the player who I call ‘Rooney’ when he plays for England and ‘Squirrel Headed Twat’ when he plays for United.

Away we go and on the attack.  The ball eventually ends up with Carrick who just passes it out of play as we close him down.  Clyney’s throw ends up with Graziano who plays it straight back into his path.  He attacks the box and screws his shot through Jones’ legs but wide of the far post.  Didn’t J-Rod score in about 20 seconds here a couple of years ago?

United have barely touched the ball when Elia gets his first action and is dragged down by Shaw.  I’m not going to spend this whole report slagging Shaw off but if you grab hold of someone and haul them down, stading there with your mouth flopped open as you appeal to your 12^th man is only going to make you look even more like a thick twat.  Meanwhile, JWP swings over the free kick and José Fonte is the target but he heads Carrick’s head instead of the ball but we still get a corner.

United do eventually get the ball and attack with Rooney pulling the strings – the ones that keep that squirrel in place on his head.  Shaw tries to take on Clyne and predictably, loses.  Saints are defending really well but disaster strikes on 20 minutes as Rooney tries to play di Maria through the middle and Toby Alderweireld overstretches in clearing it and appears to have done a thigh muscle.  He’s down in the 6 yard box and the game goes on until Valencia knocks it out for us in a most un-Man United gesture.  Time is taken to get Toby off as he can hardly walk and bearing in mind that only 20 minutes have gone, you’d think that would be ok but oh no.  Van Persie loses the plot and begins ranting around, trying to restart the game.  Phil Dowd has no control whatsoever, the little fat twat and allows van Persie to pick the ball up and throw it at him.  Now, that’s a yellow card or even a red but not here of course.  Dowd has no idea and even though it should be a throw to us, he restarts with an uncontested drop ball to van Persie who knocks it to Valencia and United attack again before we’ve got Gardos on the pitch.  Di Maria drags wide which is just as well else it would have all kicked off.  Van Persie in ‘cunt’ shocker.  Referee at Old Trafford in ‘piss weak’ shocker.

The next non-shock is that Carrick is hopeless when he’s closed down.  This time he’s hunted down by Big Vic and ends up shitting himself and passing the ball 40 yards straight back to give us a corner.   Just the sort of thing you expect from the best defensive midfielder in the Premier League (TM – Gary Neville).  We work the corner short and eventually Steve Davis chips it in and Fonte loses the best defensive midfielder in the Premier League and heads wide.  Whilst he’s doing that, Smalling is attempting to have Pellè’s shirt off his back – Dowd is looking straight at it but is there ever going to be a penalty given for shirt pulling against Man United at Old Trafford.  Of course not.

We have a minore scare in the last 5 minutes of the half as Rooney nicks the ball to van Persie whose shot is well blocked by Gardos and loops up for Fraser to grab.  Half time and no real alarms, United haven’t had a shot on target and we’ve looked confortable.  We need to do a bit more up front in terms of creating stuff but the team has worked so hard and I feel quite strongly that we can get something here as long as Dowd referees the game for both teams.

We start the second half as we started the first with JWP sliding  ball through to Davis who saw his shot deflected wide. The corner was cleared out as far as Bertrand on the left and his cross looked perfect for Graziano to volley but Shaw threw himself in the way to block well.  There was yet more ridiculous shirt pulling by Smalling and after Pellè’s complaints, Dowd actually had a word with him.  Maybe next time then.

Eljero Elia is having a mixed debut.  He pulls off a lovely bit of skill to leave Jones facing the wrong way as he tore off down the wing and not long after, he played a shocking ball across the midfield to Big Vic and clattered Mata as he tried to make up for it.  Squirrel head’s free kick is met by the gurning mug of Phil Jones but he heads over.  On the hour mark, van Persie executes a perfect scissor tackle on the back of José’s leg after he’d forced him off the ball.  Again it’s a yellow or borderline red and this time at least, it’s a yellow card.  Amusingly though, the utter tssser has injured himself int he process and is replaced by Herrera.

Elia turns up on the right and his cross is thumped behind for a corner.  Pellè gets to JWP’s delivery but once again, Smalling has still grabbed a handful of shirt.  I’m wondering what the point of Phil Dowd is.  Elia is done now and taken off to be replaced by Dusan Tadic.  United respond by removing Luke Shaw and putting on Tyler Blackett so their back three is now Jones, Smalling and Blackett.  There has to be a mistake in that lot for us to capitalize on.

On 70 mins, a cross from Jones is easily fielder by Fraser who bombs it forward to Pellè.  The whole United defence has been attracted towards him, possibly because he’s a good looking bloke or maybe because they’re not very good.  It drops to JWP who feeds into Tadic.  Tadic holds onto it just long enough before rolling it right to Graziano who is through.  He sidefoots an effort past de Gea but it hits the near post and pings out to the penalty spot where Tadic calmly sidefoots it past Blackett who makes a really poor effort on the line.  You beauty. Get in.  I’m in a pub.  I don’t like watching Saints games in the pub but moments like this are what it’s all about as the place goes mental.  We now have 20 minutes plus Fergie time of hell to go through.

Koeman’s face as the ball goes in is priceless and he’s down the steps to celebrate before pulling a slightly bewildered face as Tadic rips off his shirt and pulls the ‘hulk’ pose as popularized by Cristiano Ronaldo.  I hope all you Sunday morning park footballers are ready to do that one with your beer gut the next time you score a goal.  Yellow card and off we go again – he’s an idiot because he now has to go 25 minutes without tackling anybody.

Plan A isn’t working for United as they haven’t had a shot on target yet so the genius that is van Gaal summons Fellaini from the bench and throws the haircut on up front.  He’s taken off the creative and skilful and £60 million di Maria off to do this.  Rooney has gone up front to play off Fellaini so it’s a right collection of haircuts up front for United and hoofball on the way.  Has he not noticed that we have Fonte at 6’3 and Gardos at 6’4 at the back.  Tactical genius.

Time begins to drag by as United try and force a way back into it and isn;t it remarkable how the refereeing then begins to get right on your goat.  Graziano is back fighting for the ball and he turns away from Mata and accidentally treads on him whilst looking the other way.  Free kick to United and a booking.  Ridiculous decision.  The kick is chipped up to Fellaini and we head it away – there’s a shock.

Daley Blind has moved out to the left and as we remember from the World Cup, he has a hell of a delivery on him.  He pings over was wonderful curling cross which Fraser paws out to Mata who has an open goal to aim at but puts it wide.  We don’t learn the lessons and once again, Blind crosses the ball and Mata steals in and meets it on the half volley on the six yard line and balloons it over. Judging by the smell coming from my trousers, that was close.

It’s time for the Ginger Pitbull and Steve Davis is off to be replaced with Harrison Reed who is palced on the right to stop Blind one assumes.  Now that avenue is closed down, United resort to hoofs up to the Wiggy twins again but they’re not very good at it as most of them don’t reach and are headed away by Big Vic.  Despite the alck of danger, Phil Dowd and his two twat assistants are doing my head in.   We are playing it long now and it just can’t be that every single time Pellè goes up to head it that it always comes off of him and he’s never fouled.

You just know it’s going to be at least 5 minutes of injury time and that’s what it is.  The 5 minutes is then added to as Tadic has an accidental collision with Jones and makes a king sized meal of it.  What transpires is the usual United bollocks in that Rooney gives us the ball back by rolling is right into the corner so Bertrand is taking a throw from by the corner flag,  Classless Squirrel headed little fucker.  Fuck off and shag a granny you twat.

We nearly have the last laugh as Tadic and Pellè build up down the left bu the clearly knackered Italian wafts a left foot shot across the goal and out for a throw-in on the far side.  One more bomb forward is cleared away and that’s it.  Fatty Dowd blows the whistle and United can fuck off.  Have that you bastards.  Look at all the empty seats.  Look at the Saints players celebrating.  Absolutely fucking brilliant – different class lads.  Lost our centre back and still beat them.

It got even better after the game.  First of all the league table now has us in 3^rd place and then we had the joys of that bitter squirrel headed twat being interviewed.  They deserved to win and had the best chances apparently.  You didn’t get a shot on target you utter bell-end.  The van Gaal came on and said roughly the same thing.  We were lucky and we played for a draw apparently.  Standard managerial deflection crap when you’ve been out thought and out managed.  It’s not as if United gave us the goal like we gave them 2 at St Marys.  Have some milk with those sour grapes you wanker.  Typical classless United and no wonder everyone hates them.  You know that everyone who supports every other club in England other than Portsmouth and some Bournemouth oddballs will be loving that result.

Ronald Koeman was unsurprisingly beaming afterwards, acknowledging that we had a bit of fortune with Mata missing chances but he was delighted and under it all, you know he and Erwin will be delighted on a personal level about sticking one over van Gaal.  Love it.  You know that the post mortem will all be about United and the deficiencies of their star individuals and Falcao not playing etc.  That’s the difference – we’re a good team, United are a collection of good individuals with no real cohesion.

To our boys and it wasn’t a day for flash stuff, it was a day for graft and stopping the opposition playing to give us a chance.  JWP and Davis never allowed Carrick the time he needs to do anything and Big Vic and Morgan were just outstanding in defending in front of the centre backs.  All three did well when they were on but José Fonte in particular was outstanding.  Chelsea have John Terry as their talisman, we have José Fonte.  Ryan Bertrand struggled a bit with Valencia at times but Clyne saw off Shaw easily and it was only when Blind moved left that they created anything from that side.  Up front, Graziano worked so hard with no help at all from the fat twat Dowd and Eljero Elia gave glimpses of what he’s about and we’ll hopefully see a lot more of that as he gets fitter.  The headline grabber though will be Dusan Tadic and the class he brought from the bench was massive, setting up Pellè for the shot onto the post and coolly putting the rebound in.

Last year when we drew at United, Match of the Day edited the game so all our attacks bar the goal were missing and every time United got in our half was shown which made it of course look like a smash and grab.  This time it's better but they decide to omit the two examples of Robin van Persie being a prick.  You can guarantee that if a player from another club had thrown the ball at the referee, they'd have been all over it.  

I need a lie down.  That was brilliant.  I’ll be awake again on Wednesday for when we have to play Ipswich in the FA Cup replay.  I anticipate a few changes with the major squad issue being that we have Fonte and Gardos at centre back but otherwise, Alderweireld is injured, Yoshida is in Australia, Turnbull and Stephens are on loan at Swindon and Jason McCarthy is next in line.  Let’s hope that Florin and José get through it ok and lets get into the 4^th Round for a reunion with Alan Pardew and Crystal Palace.