What's the Opposite of a Meltdown?

£10 million for Schneiderlin.... let me think!

Good news was forthcoming with the signing of Ryan Bertrand who has reached 24, the age at which most English Chelsea youngsters realise that they are never going to get near the first team.  He’s signed on a ‘try before you buy’ loan deal which sounds like good news to me.  It means that Matt Targett can develop at his own pace, rather than being thrust straight into the team and be expected to be the next Luke Shaw.  Bertrand has always looked decent without being outstanding at every club he’s been loaned to but will be first choice here and get a run of games.  I expect him to do well and he was straight into the starting line up for the game against Brighton at The Amex.

Like the Bournemouth friendly, there could have been grudges held over from previous meetings but not a bit of it as we played well and beat a desperately poor Albion side 3-1 as we dominated possession and attempts on goal from start to finish.  Dusan Tadic made it 1-0 on 20 minutes with a smart turn and shot which caught the keeper out and Steve Davis made it two on half time as Pelle’s shot was blocked and the Irishman knocked in the rebound.  The 3^rd goal was the pick of the bunch as JWP dispossessed a Brighton midfielder and advanced a bit before lashing on with the outside of his right boot which curled away from the keeper and into the top corner.  The starting line-up had an element of what the starting line-up would be if the season started tomorrow.  King Artur in goal, a back four of Clyne, Captain Fonte, Yoshida and Bertrand, a midfield three of Big Vic, Steve Davis and JWP with Tadic, Pelle and Lloyd Isgrove up front.  Fair play to Isgrove as he’s taken his chance in pre-season and even if he doesn’t make the starting line-up when the cavalry arrives, he’ll be a lot closer than last year,

Talking of the cavalry, Ronald Koeman hinted and 3 or so signings being nearly done and it looks like two of these are Saphir Taider and Eziquiel Schelotto from Inter as part of the deal taking Rock ‘n’ Roll pirate headcase nutjob Dani Osvaldo to Inter for a season on loan.  Taider is a promising Algerian midfielder who played in the World Cup.  As usual I have done some You Tube scouting and he looks like a decent all-round midfielder who can ut a foot in and can also pick a pass. Schelotto is another Argentinean-Italian long haired pirate looking chap who plays on the wing and has one cap for Italy at present.  His highlights reel includes lots of running beyond the left back and then crossing the ball in a hit and hope fashion.  One assumes that the signings of Fraser Forster and Virgil van Dijk moved a step further forward as Celtic got humped 4-1 by Legia Warsaw in the Champions League qualifiers.  They might rescue that in the home leg but I’d say the chances are against it and then manager Ronnie Delia certainly expects the players to move on.  

UPDATE: Taider joined, Schelotto didn't and Celtic were shite in the second leg, lost 2-0 and then got reinstated as Legia played an ineligible played for 2 minutes.

The media are having a rest from endless stories of who will leave and they’re now linking us with every player under the sun.  We are of course going to be active and numerous stories will be made up about us and agents will throw our name into the ring for their client.  Consequently, we are going to get linked with a lot of shockers.  I definitely think the best policy is to sit back and let it happen.  We are where we are and two weeks before the season starts is not the ideal time to sign 5 or 6 players but other teams will be doing the same so I’m quite ok with it at the moment.

The karma police have been out in force as well with Luke Shaw being declared unfit by van Gaal, Lallana being injured, Lovren not having a visa to having to train on his own and Rickie Lambert missing his first penalty since he played for Bristol Rovers.  The highlight though has been #asklovrenpart2.  This was a Twitter Q&A session whereby an egotistical twat sets himself up to get absolutely slaughtered by the fans of the club he disrespected and deserted.  It’s wrong and it’s childish and I should know better... but it was fun.

After the Brighton game there were a few quiet days when the only noise you could hear was impatient fans hammering the F5 refresh key on their keyboards.  Eventually the Osvaldo-Taider deal was done with a loan swap for a year with both teams having an option to buy.  If Saphir does well then I'm sure we'll buy him but I'd say that the chances of Osvaldo playing well and not being a cock are pretty small so I'm expecting us to to be in the same boat this time next year.  Still, it's another exit for Ben Smith to add to his next 'Meltdown' article.

He always has the Schneiderlin issue to fall back on and as the Leverkusen friendly arrived it was announced in Ronald's pre-match interview that Morgan was not in the right physical or mental shape to play. 'Mental' was highlighted which says to me that he's on strike.  One of my earliest childhood memories is not being able to get home from a holiday in France as the ports were blockaded by Frenchmen with a grudge and I'm pondering that here because the bastard is basically refusing to play.  It's absolutely beyond pathetic and despite Hockey Ralph's assertion that we don't over-react to situations, I hope we fine him two weels wages.  It's remarkable how the PFA always say absolutlely nothing in this situation.  The irony is that if Morgan had played for 45 minutes then he would probably have been forgiven but each perceived refusal to accept the situation is just going to make things worse for him.  Perhaps he's unlucky to be wanted by a club whose Chairman won't pay over the top for players or perhaps he's unlucky to be wanted by a club who are managed by a complete rat.  Rumour has it that they’ve only offered £10 million for Morgan.  Good luck with that.

It's odd how football gets you sometimes.  I have a strict 'no friendlies' policy but in a moment of weakness I decided to go to the Leverkusen game and check out how the boys were shaping up.  The only real surprise in the starting line-up was Lloyd Isgrove being preferred to Gaston Ramirez.  Leverkusen were decent without being outstanding and played the ball about well and closed us down well meaning that we didn’t create a great deal in the first half.  Maya Yoshida should have scored when a corner dropped to him about 5 yards out but he managed to hit the post and a German defender produced a decent sliced effort at his own goal from 20 yards which the keeper had to shovel over the bar.  The only goal came early in the second half as a corner was swung over, Steve Davis missed what should have been a routine clearance at the near post and the ball hit Graziano Pelle and spooned past King Artur who had no chance.  Bollocks.  Taider and Gaston came on for JWP and Isgrove and things picked up with Taider keeping things simple and getting stuck right in and Gaston drifting in from the right wing which allowed Dusan Tadic to play on his preferred left hand side.  Our best chance to equalize fell to Gaston who cut inside the full back and curled a shot just over the angle of post and bar from the edge of the box.  Mayuka came on as we went 4-4-2 in the last 10 minutes and he gave more evidence to what I believed all along – that he hasn’t got a clue.

As you always get in friendlies, there was a raft of positives and negatives.  Some players looked right on it like King Artur, Clyney, Jose, Big Vic and Steve Davis.  Others like JWP, Ryan Bertrand, Tadic and Pelle hinted at better things to come and Yoshida and Isgrove hinted at where the squad and team needs strengthening.  Yoshida was the biggest worry as he was tentative with everything that he did and was certainly responsible for a majority of the long balls from the back which were aimed up to Graziano.  Balls aimed at someone are fine but the slice straight up the air is not and we definitely need a centre back as we all knew, even before Lovren deserted.  Regardless of who plays at the back though, I think we may have to get used to a bit less playing out from the back this year.  There were many long balls up from the defenders but once Pelle had flicked it on or controlled it - then the football started.  He is excellent at the hold up play though and will win a lot more in the air than Sir Rickie used to, as he gets off the ground.  I just hope we don’t look for that option every time though.

Post-match is hit the news that Fraser Forster had joined from Celtic for the best part of £10 million.  I admit that I had a bit of a problem getting my head round this at first as we have an excellent first choice keeper and I'd have thought that spending £2m on a capable back up would be the sensible way to go.  Now though, I'm thinking that it can only be a good thing. There's a link with Dave Watson who is now our goalkeeping coach, having been with the England party in the World Cup and at 26, he's considerably younger than King Artur.  Having two excellent keepers is a good thing but only as both think they have a fair shot at being No.1.  I would have hoped therfore that King Artur is in goal for the Liverpool game as he's done absolutely nothing to warrant being dropped and Fraser's presence would certainly make him up his game further.  Ronald Koeman has come out and said though that Fraser is the No.1 keeper which is not surprising. Given that we were never going to pay that much money for a reserve keeper.  Koeman’s interview gave the impression that King Artur was definitely leaving at the end of the year so maybe he’s indicated that he’s quitting competitive football and moving back to Scotland.  Mind you, Artur has been shouting Legia Warsaw’s cause on Twitter over their expulsion from the Champions League and winding up a fair few Celtic fans as a result.  The big man certainly wears his heart on his sleeve and I love characters like that.

As a write, news has hit that we’ve agreed a fe of around £12 million to buy Shane Long from Hull.  Wow, I never saw that one coming.  My initial horrified reaction has given way to acceptance that he would be an asset for us and £12 million is probably about the going rate for a Premier league striker.  He can play wide or up the middle and is one of those who never lets a defender rest.  Here are a few things I’ve written about him down the years.  I think the amount of entries shows what a pain he’s been for us.

• They have Anelka up front who must be about 45 now along with Shane Long who I watch in the warm up just to see if he practices diving around and whingeing as part of his pre-match routine

• Shane Long has been quiet due to a lack of possession but he gets away down the right and Dejan goes over and launches him.  It’s a foul but it’s not that bad but Long arches his back and makes a big squealy noise and so the book comes out.  He tries to stand up but falls to the floor again and writhes around a bit more.  The West Brom physio is ambling around the back of the goal either because he knows Long is a faker or because he’s trying to waste time but the ‘injured’ party if off the pitch so they have to get on with it.

• We are now in need of some Gaston magic more than ever and he sets off on a run from halfway with Shane Long in close attendance.  He’s clearly being held back which is not going to wash with anyone as an excuse if you elbow him in the face.  The only problem I have with the ref over this incident is that he was trying to play advantage but once Long has held onto him for a couple of seconds then there’s no advantage and he should have blown.  If he had, 2 players wouldn’t have got sent off.  He didn’t book Long for the holding either but I have no problem with the red cards.  They were both twats and deserved all they got.

• Steve Bruce has defied my belief that he’s not a very good manager.  He does look like Mrs Doubtfire however but he’s managed his team well and in the recruitment of Nikica Jelavic and diving little moany cheat Shane Long, he’s shown that Hull are serious about survival. 

• The ball is slipped to Shane Long on the left who cuts in and thankfully pulls it back behind everyone and we get away with it. 

• Long then uses more conventional methods to hack down Luke Shaw.  There’s no booking from Webb though, just arm-waving childish petulance from Long who is just a wanker.  You’ve hacked him over, you’re nowhere near the ball, just get on with it.  Still smarting from having his tantrum, Long then lunged into Morgan and got the booking he deserved, just for being a complete knob really.

• We were under pressure but not looking particularly threatened until the 89^th minute when my mate Ridgewell got down the left and crossed it to Long (it must have been an accident) who was 6 yards out and all on his own.  His flicked and lazy sidefooted effort was kicked away by the large starfish shaped Polish legend in our Goal.  All Hail The King!

• The Baggies have adapted to having 10 men better than us and straight away, a ball up the left results in Yoshida putting in a piss-weak challenge on Lukaku who turns him and plays in Long who fires underneath Artur to make it 3-0 and spark a fire-drill amongst the home sections because after all, supporting your team is just about when you’re winning.

• Luke half clears it to Elmohamady who picks out Long with a cross who surprisingly, doesn’t dive on the floor and complain to the ref.  Time stands still as it flicks off his head, beats King Artur and pings off the post before it rebounds to Boyd who can’t get any power into his bouncing effort which King Artur just shovels over the bar.

• The next highlight is Curtis Davies attempting a short pass and it went straight to a Saints player so the next time it gets launched into orbit and Long waits for Fonte to breathe on him before flopping down on the ground.  Fair play to the ref who on this occasion, is having none of it.  It’s so bloody predictable - on the ground or in the air, Long will receive the ball with his back to goal and just fall over.  He’s not a bad player but he is a horrible little shit.

• Long makes the mistake of challenging King Artur in the air and it’s a bit like when a fly flies into an oncoming lorry on a motorway.

• Easy as you like, Long turns onto his right foot and with Jose getting nowhere near him, booms over a ‘come and get me’ cross onto the head of Odemwingie who can’t miss and doesn’t to make it 2-0.  We’ll go home now then shall we.

The season starts on Sunday for us away at Anfield and I believe that this game is a free hit.  We are expected to get nothing so we therefore have nothing to lose.  If karma is smiling then we will pinch a 1-0 and Lovren can cry into his pile of money after the game and that smug tosser Rodgers will feel very uncomfortable in his post-match interview.  It’s unlikely but you never know.   Don’t be surprised though if we get beaten though and don’t be surprised if Lambert comes on and scores.  There are rumours of Romanian centre-back Florin Gardos joinging in time to play on Saturday so he may feature but Morgan Schneiderlin won’t as his head is wedged up his arse.   I hope we stand firm until he comes up for air.   I expect our team to be the same as against Leverkusen with Fraser in goal and Gaston in for Lloyd Isgrove.  Bring it on….