Premier League Match 27 - West Ham 3 Southampton 1

Ok, Hands Up, I Admit it, I'm Shit!

Come on then!  Let’s have you, you fat bastard.  Yes, it’s West Ham away and the first game since the FA Cup disaster.  The rumour is that Saints had their end of season party last Sunday but the video of Mauricio and Katharina’s Karaoke duet has been embargoed until May.  Before that though we have 12 league games to negotiate starting with today’s Upton Park visit.  Last year, this was quite a pivotal game as we got handed a lesson in being clinical, playing lots of pretty football, producing nothing and letting in a goal every time West Ham attacked as we lost 4-1.

We play West Ham at the wrong time as they are on the back of a run of three consecutive wins.  Around the turn of the year they couldn’t buy a win and it was only the ridiculous amount it would cost to get rid of Fat Sam that was keeping him in a job.  A ‘backs to the wall’ point at Chelsea (which cost me a fortune on an accumulator) has turned it all the right way for them so instead of being in the bottom three, they are now relatively safe.  Andy Carroll had got himself fit and then got himself banned for waving his arm near that Chico Flores tosser and was serving the last of his 3 game ban today.  In theory, that should make our job slightly easier as we always struggle against him with Maya Yoshida in particular not having a clue how to play against the big man.

The ‘weakened team’ fall-out has happened and Mauricio was still talking about it in the pre-match press conference and still sticking to his guns regarding that selection which is not surprising.  Whilst an apology to the travelling fans might have been nice, it was never going to happen so we really need to draw the famous blue line under it and move on and decide next year whether you really want to attend FA Cup games, especially away ones.  The other news has been Jose Fonte’s video of Corky and J-Rod doing human curling in the changing room at Staplewood which has proved very popular in the wake of the Winter Olympics.  Basically it involved Corky sliding on a trolley into a wall whilst J-Rod swept the floor furiously in front of him.

To today and we’ve made zero changes from the last league game with King Artur, Chambo, Jose, Morgan, Corky and J-Rod all restored to the team but the bench is strong because it features the returning Dejan Lovren and Gaston Ramirez.  In the absence of Carroll, Fat Sam has picked Carlton Cole up front, a player that he got rid of in the summer.  He’s not as good as Carroll but still expect the ball to be boshed up to him.  It worries me slightly today that West Ham have two out and out wingers in Downing and Jarvis which may well restrict the only width we have which is the full backs. 

Away we go and Saints are passing it about nicely as you’d expect and Lallana floats a lovely ball over the defence to J-Rod whose first touch is unusually shite and allows Demel to get in and nick it off him.  West Ham react to this incursion into their box with a massive hooooooof up to Cole who wins it easily but we eventually work it back to King Artur.

On 8 minutes, Adam Lallana is upended by a needless Tomkins challenge which he did make a meal of and we get a free kick on the right.  Up steps Steven Davis to put the free kick straight on the forehead of the unmarked Maya Yoshida who rises to guide his header past Adrian and into the net for 1-0.  It’s the kind of goal that will have Fat Sam puce with rage and one step closer to having his inevitable heart attack – a free header from 6 yards – ha ha ha!!!

West Ham are doing what they do and working the ball into wide ares and whipping it in.  From one such delivery there is carnage as Chambers sticks a foot out and diverts the ball across our own 6 yard box but we get away with at as King Artur dives on it..

Saints are still playing well and we pick the ball up after a Tomkins hooooof towards Cole and pass it up the pitch until Lallana gets it and runs at the defenders before wellying it hopelessly high and wide.  Good move but a shite finish.

The relative comfort zone that Saints have been operating in is shattered on 20 minutes as Nolan chips a ball over the midfield and defence and Jarvis is surely offside... but no he isn’t as he pokes it under the advancing King Artur make it 1-1.  Later replays prove that the lino fucked up.  It isn’t miles offside but there’s also no way that you can give the benefit to the attacker.  Shaw steps up perfectly whilst looking along the line and he’s offside, end of story.

Maybe it’s the sense of injustice or maybe it’s just our usual dopey play straight after a goal but three minutes later it’s 2-1 to The Hammers.  A corner is swung over, Demel gets a decent header in which bounces back off the post to Yoshida who should clear it but he totally fails to do this and Cole nicks it off him and smashes it in the net.  Shit!

It looks like we’ve totally gone for a few minutes as West Ham win more corners and though we clear it, it’s soon back and flying across our penalty area from the wings.  We survive and begin to play again and nearly get back on terms as Corky hung up a cross and Sir Rickie beat Collins to the header, only to see it bounce off the post and away, eventually to J-Rod whose shot would have been bouncing down the street outside a smaller ground.  Half time arrived and call me a pessimist but there was a feeling that this was not going to be our day.

Regardless, we start the second half really well and pin West Ham back.  Twattenburg is beginning to get on everyone’s tits and the only surprise is that it’s taken him this long.  A Chambers cross is clearly handled by Downing with his hand at head height and he misses it.  The resulting corner sees Fonte competing with Collins and the ball hits Collins hand which is above his head – again not given.  Every time West Ham try and break it either comes straight back after a hooooof or when they try and play out then Corky wins it and sets us going again despite a crude swipe at him by Noble which Twattenburg again misses.  For all our dominance though, we manage a daisy cutter from Shaw which Adrian easily falls on.

Mauricio decides to go for it and sends Gaston on for Corky.  As is usually the case when Corky comes off, there are others more deserving but we are certainly not going to die wondering.  We had a glorious chance on 65 minutes as Shaw fastened on to a J-Rod pass and found himself one on one with Collins down the wing which of course was a no contest.  As he cut in he really should have smashed it but tried to tee up Lallana but fired it too hard and just too far in front of him.

Gaston was beginning to make things happen and Saints were putting together some decent stuff.  A flowing move ended with Gaston brilliantly megging Collins in a Pahars v Stam re-enactment but sadly he couldn’t finished and lashed it over the bar when he really should have at least tested the keeper.

Not testing the keeper was becoming a theme as J-Rod’s persistence forced an error out of Demel and though the skipper had to take it quickly as the defenders closed, he really should have done better than to snatch at the chance and bobble it past the post with the keeper once again able to watch it go by…. And what do you fucking know, with their next attack, Dawning finds space on the left, whips over a great cross, Cole competes for it and it lands very nicely for that moaning bastard Nolan to acrobatically hook it into the net.  Good finish it has to be said but fuck off.

JWP is on Davis and Big Sam is on for Sir Rickie but you get a sense that the horse has well and truly bolted and nothing much is going to happen.  We are still trying though but we nearly manage to equal last years effort with 10 minutes to go as some class fannying about by Lallana and Gaston presents the ball to Diame who smashes one arcing over King Artur and off the top of the bar.  Diame attempts to reverse the roles and fannies about in his own penalty area, presenting the ball to Lallana who after a twist and a turn or three, hammers one at the near post which is going wide but Adrian pushes it behind for a corner anyhow.

There is one more chance for a consolation as J-Rod again fights for the ball but when it sits up nicely for him, he hits it well but it’s always going wide and Adrian is once again not called upon to do anything.  Twattenburg then brilliantly manages to blow the final whistle without giving a last minute penalty against us or not giving a blatant one to us.  Well done Mark, you’re my hero.

Can I say straight away that I come from a generation that started watching football before anyone knew possession stats from a game.  Then, as now, the only stat that matters is the final score which will usually tell you how effective your football has been and today, like it or not, ours has been exactly one third as effective as West Ham’s.  It’s bloody annoying that we’ve lost but it’s our fault and not theirs.  I refer to a comment that Gordon Strachan used to make about ‘propaganda football’.  I like our style of play and would rather watch it than anything an Allardyce side will ever produce but if you play like we do and don’t get ‘decent’ shots on target then it’s going to be a long day– yes, we had 25 shots but 20 were off target and how many of the other 5 actually worked the keeper.   In our defence, nothing really went our way today – the first Hammers goal was offside and it doesn’t matter if it’s an inch or ten yards as it’s the one job that the lino has to do and he fucked it up.  One of the perils of playing with a high line is that you are relying on the linesman to get it right and of course, occasionally they don’t.  You just hope that when they do that the game is already won or lost and it’s not at an important time.  So, a dodgy goal changed the game and suddenly we’re 2-1 down.  No one is making a big deal of it as no one can really after all the controversy but of course, a different referee other then Twattenburg might have given penalty for the Collins handball shouts when it was 2-1. He’s just a shit referee.

It can’t be denied though that we are soft without Dejan and Big Vic in the side.  To my mind we also should have lined up with a more rigid 4-5-1 formation with J-Rod and Adam more as conventional wingers as West Ham create nothing through the middle of midfield, it’s all from wide areas.  Maybe Mauricio thought we could pass them off the pitch and I guess he was right but without the cutting edge and with a soft underbelly, it all went a bit wrong.  It’s not a coincidence that we have failed to beat any of the more direct teams this season with two draws against Stoke, a draw and a defeat against West Ham and two draws and two defeats against Sunderland.  It is certainly something that needs to be addressed with a Plan B.  We did however, play really well at times until the final third but then went to shit when it came to the important part of kicking it at the thing with the net on it.

One big positive from today was Gaston’s appearance from the bench as he livened things up and on another day could have swung the game back in our favour.  There hasn’t been a regular start for him all season but maybe things need freshening up a bit now.  Having said that, this is our first defeat in the league since the start of January so there’s no need to chuck the baby out with the bath water.

Next week we have Liverpool at home which should be a great game.  They have emerged as contenders to actually win the league as all the other big boys are still in the Champions League.  Well, Arsenal and Man City are in it for one more game at least.  I’m sure they’ll looking to avenge their one home defeat of the season as well and one thing is for sure, they’ll pick Suarez, Sturridge, Coutinho, Gerrard and Sterling so it’ll be an open, entertaining game, played on the floor. Mind you, the last time we played them Brendan Rodgers crapped himself at playing the might Saints and picked a very dodgy line-up so you never know, he may do so again.  Bring it on. 

FA Cup 5th Round - Sunderland 1 Southampton 0

Saints take a massive shit on the Magic of the Cup

FA Cup time again and a 5^th Round tie at the Stadium of Light against Sunderland who we haven’t beaten since 1865.  I’m sure that this time will be different though as this is a game that comes at the wrong time for them.  Not only do they have a League Cup Final to look forward to but they have a horrendous run of fixtures to negotiate if they’re going to stay up.  They also weren’t helped by having their midweek game called off so that’ll have to be slotted in somewhere.  Saints on the other hand have no relegation worries and have a clear week ahead so this game is huge for us and we can play our full side whilst Sunderland are unlikely to as the FA Cup will most definitely be their 3^rd priority this season.

There’s nothing I can say about Gus Poyet that I haven’t already said.  A deeply unpleasant individual he may be but you can’t knock the job he’s done either at Brighton or especially here where he’s taken a group of players who were doing absolutely nothing and turned them round.  It’s annoying because aside from Harry Redknapp there is no other manager who I would rather see fail horribly.  Oh hang on, I forgot Sam Allardyce for a second

There is always a nagging doubt about cup games and the team that Mauricio is going to put out though and here is comes….  In goal, Kelvin Davis – fuck off… Clyne, Shaw, Yoshida, Hooiveld…. Ok I can deal with that one as Jose had that injury to his leg and Dejan’s not fit yet… Wanyama… yep, fair enough, Davis, Ward-Prowse…. Bit odd to have both of them in there…. Lallana, Guly…. Whaaaaaat!... Lambert.  Subs…. Gazzaniga, Fonte… oh so not injured then…. Schneiderlin, Chambers, Rodriguez, Cork… all of whom would be playing if this was a league game …. McQueen.  

The key phrase in the last paragraph is ‘all of whom would be playing if this was a league game’.  Of course you have to add Artur Boruc to the list as well.  I’m sorry but if you are dead set on winning the game then Boruc, Rodriguez, Schneiderlin and Fonte definitely play.  Shit!  The fact that Sunderland have 9 changes from their regular side is no consolation as I don’t care about them.  As far as I’m concerned, we have not given ourselves the best opportunity to win the game regardless of what the opposition put out.

In front of a stadium that’s 40% full at best, away we go and the game is immediately crap and half paced.  The first time it goes back to Superkelv who is of course returning to the stadium where he let in over 100 goals in his one season, he goes to chip it out to Shaw and it sails about 10 yards over his head and into the empty seats.  Brilliant start.

It takes a while but football breaks out as Guly, Davis and Big Vic combine to release Lallana in the inside left position.  His cross is perfectly onto the head of Sir Rickie who heads down to JWP who times his run perfectly but bobbles his shot into the keeper who makes a comfortable save.

Sunderland make a decent break down our right and work the ball over to Borini on our left.  He’s up against Shaw and runs at him and over he goes.  To be fair, Luke has given him the opportunity to go down by leaning in and the severely off balance little fucker has gone for it.  It would have been a harsh call but I’ve seen them given and we got a bit lucky there.  It’s worth it of course to see Poyet going nuts about the next decision, repeating ‘that one was easy’ again and again.  You’d think BT Sport would learn after last time when that Sunderland fan yelled ‘shit’ at he top of his voice.  I really wanted Gus to drop a C-bomb or threaten to shit on the referees dressing room floor but sadly he didn’t.

The rest of the first half is shit.  Superkelv dives over a ball as he goes down like a falling tree but luckily it’s already given as offside and Sunderland get a few free kicks.  As Larsson goes to take every single one the commentator goes on about him being a free kick expert and he does sod all with all of them.  The Magic of the Cup – my arse.

At half time, Jake Humphrey on BT Sport is moaning about the crowd being crap.  You ignorant little fucker.  They’re not awash with money in the North East and they’re probably saving for a trip to Wembley.  We’ve got 1000 there and the reason there isn’t more is because of the stupid bloody kick off time, as decided by BT Sport you wanker.

The second half kicks off with no discernable improvement by either team and four minutes in we manage to concede a goal.  It’s a fantastic strike by Gardner but that’s only half the story.  It starts with us in possession and Maya attempting to pass into the forawards and just gifting it to a Sunderland player.  The ball gets worked out to our left and passed back infield towards Gardner.  No problem as Big Vis is ther and he’ll sort it.  Vic seems to have two choice of welly it clear or bin him in the tackle but does neither and misses the ball, Gardner picks it up and from 20 yards, bang, top corner, unstoppable.  Shit.

So, what have we got?  Well, we’ve got a run from Steve Davis and no one closes him down and he puts a bit too much side on the white and it screws away for a goal kick.

It’s not happening so the Premier League Cavalry are on with Morgan and J-Rod replacing Guly and JWP who haven’t really done a great deal.  Sunderland have sent Cono Wickham on and he’s nearly on the end of a dangerous cross and Superkelv gets lucky as the ball kind of hits him.  He’s playing like he’s got a fucking slipped disc or something.

One player who is putting a shift n for Saints is Nathaniel Clyne who gets played in by Davis after a decent bit of movement, fires in a low cross and Lallana gets his feet all wrong and shins it past the near post when he really should have at least made Ustari work.  It gets even worse a few minutes later as again, Davis and Clyne work an opening and Clyne cuts out the keeper and defenders with a perfect cross which Sir Rickie meets from three yards with an open goal and somehow manages to balloon it over the bar.  Fuck me, this is bad and it gets worse as Adam Lallana is taken off and replaced with Sam McQueen who comes on for his debut.  I am really stuggling to see the sense in that one.

Wickham nearly put the game out of sight with a run from the half way line past two piss weak challenges from Big Vic and Maya.  If he’s passed the ball then Borini would have walked it into the net but he got greedy and eventually scuffed his left footed shot wide.  From their next break, Colback does pass the ball to Borini who drives low and Superkelv makes a decent low save.

As we try and break upfield, horrible little shit Seb Larsson bins Steve Davis about 5 minutes late and the ref waves play on.  Fast forward 30 seconds and Shaw is taking on Larsson who grabs his shorts and just hauls him back.  Two yellow card offences in one passage of play – what will the referee do?  One booking – ah well, doesn’t matter really.  We at no point look like scoring and pathetically limp out of the FA Cup in the same way that we have done all the Cup competitions in the last few years.

You have to start with the manager on this one.  The fact that he hands media duties over the Jesus Perez suggests that he doesn’t see this competition as anything other than an inconvenience and the selection seemed to filter through to the players and even the regulars were poor.  There was no pressing from midfield which is no surprise as Big Vic doesn’t look fit yet and Steve Davis was playing out of position.  We’ve dominated possession in league games due to Corky and Morgan and the hard work of Davis, Lallana and J-Rod in front of them.  JWP and Guly just seemed to let the game pass them by in the first half and there was hardly any intensity at all.  Also, there was no pace up front with J-Rod missing.

I accept that the players on the bench may have had slight niggles but the trouble is that you leave yourself wide open if you pick what is one the face of it a weaker team and we then play like that and get knocked out.  The Mauricio interview a week or so ago about not being interested in the Europa League comes back to haunt you as well.  Win this game and we’d have been two games from qualifying for it – it makes you think doesn’t it?  What happens if we go on a run in the league and we have to win the last game of the league season to qualify for the Europa League….Here’s the Saints line-up versus Manchester United… In goal… Kelvin Davis, right back Katharina Liebherr, left back Jonathan Forte, Centre back 8 year old 1^st Year Academy starlet……

However, it isn’t the managers’ fault that basic mistakes cost us at least a replay.  Mauricio didn’t make Yoshida pass the ball straight to a Sunderland player and he didn’t make Big Vic fanny out of the tackle on Gardner.  He also isn’t responsible for Sir Rickie managing to miss an open goal from two feet.  Maya and Sir Rickie would certainly have been playing if this was a league game and Big Vic wouldn’t have been far away himself.

One thing that can’t have been missed was that Kelvin Davis played like he was 150 years old instead of the 57 years old that he actually is.  He was a disaster from start to finish and making one decent save when the game was already lost does not make up for it.  If you practice all week, I assume one of the things the keepers do is chipping a ball out to the full back so it was quite something to watch him chip a ball 30 feet over Luke Shaw’s head and then follow it up with passes either too far behind or too far in front of people which all ended up as Sunderland throw-ins in our half.  I know all keepers do it occasionally but this was bad.  There was the horrible ‘going down in instalments’ fumble which was given as offside, as well as the ‘nailed to the goal line’ incident where Maya had to hoof it out for a throw at the last minute, as after 20 minutes of waiting for Kelvin to come off of his line for a routine pick-up, he finally decided that it wasn’t going to happen.  Kelvin sure as hell isn’t getting any better and playing in games like today does nothing for him.  I’m not a Gazza fan but he’d get much more out of it. 

I thought Luke Shaw played well in the first half and Clyne did well in the second with Steve Davis his usual consistent self but shackled by having to play deeper.  Other than that, no one stood out and there just didn’t seem to be a collective will-to-win.  Sunderland rested 9 and just seemed to want it more than us.

Of course, we could have picked the same side as versus Hull and still played crap and lost.  This would have been much less likely though with our current league XI.  Maybe it was an off-day but we made it much more likely to be that way by picking the team that we did.  Travelling fans – that thing that BT Sport and no one else see as important – deserve to see their full strength side on the pitch in the 5^th Round of the FA Cup.  There are two silver linings for me – one is that I don’t have to find a small fortune for a Wembley trip or two and the other is that it makes you wonder that if we did manage to reach the Europa League, what sort of teams would we put out in it anyway?

Finally, does anyone remember where we finished in the league the season when we reached the Cup Final in 2003.  Yep, we finished 8^th.  How many rank that above getting to the Final at Cardiff?  The report on this game is a bit crap as I found that I couldn’t really be arsed with it, mirroring the mob on the pitch.  I’m glad none of you have paid money or undertaken a 650 mile round trip to read it.

Premier League Match 26 - Hull 0 Southampton 1

Goal-line Technology Proves that Osvaldo is a Twat

Ha ha very funny, Hull away on a Tuesday night in the sleet, rain and wind.  Thanks a lot.  Why the hell we can’t be given a midweek away game in London when there are so many possibilities is beyond me and it’s also beyond the fixture computer it would seem.  Any hardy soul who makes the trip is either certifiably insane or a masochist but I truly hope your adventure is a rewarding one.  I’ve never been to Hull. They say one should try everything in life but sometimes you don’t need to try something to know you aren’t going to like it.  Hull.

Regardless of how it is as a place, their football team have done rather well this season.  Having been promoted and expected to get relegated they have had their heads above water since day 1 and Steve Bruce has defied my belief that he’s not a very good manager.  He does look like Mrs Doubtfire however but he’s managed his team well and in the recruitment of Nikica Jelavic and diving little moany cheat Shane Long, he’s shown that Hull are serious about survival.  The owner of course has made the wrong headlines by wanting to change to name to Hull Tiger Leopard Cheetah Ocelot Jaguars and the man don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks.

I was thinking that we may actually rest a couple tonight with the FA Cup match against Sunderland coming on Saturday but we don’t with Calum Chambers coming back in for Nathaniel Clyne in what was the only change in the 18.  A quick look down the Hull team sheet sees Paul Mc ‘how the fuck does he get a game in the Premier League’ Shane and Alex Bruce who is of course, the managers son.  He’s miles better looking than his dad but about 2% of the player that his old man was.  Steve Bruce was very complimentary about us when we smashed them 4-1 at our place and his pre-match interview suggests that he’s struggling a bit with how to approach this game, such was our dominance last time.  In the even he’s gone for it with two out and out strikers so fair play to him.

Hull are showing us plenty of respect at the start of the game and this enables us to get on the ball and start passing it.  We should really take the lead after four minutes as Davis, Chambers and Lallana work it down the right, the skipper crosses and Sir Rickie produces a wonderful first touch to make a glorious chance for himself and then curls the free shot wide from about 10 yards.  It hits the stanchion pole behind the goal so there’s a second when you think it’s gone in but bollocks.  The head in hands shows that the big man knows how good a chance that was.

He has another chance five minutes later as following some more patient stuff in Hull’s half, Steve Davis plays a great positional shot into his path and Sir Rickie tries to lift it over the onrushing Harper who makes a good save to keep it out.  Two Hull defenders and the keeper have thrown themselves in to try and block it and they’ve all smashed into eachother.  Bruce is up first, then Harper but McShite has fucked himself and after a lengthy stoppage is off on a stretcher.  It’s horrible when players get carried off like that, unless it’s Samir Nasri.  When it happens against a Gus Poyet team, he will moan about it stopping the momentum.  He does this because he’s a prick.

                                                                       

George Boyd, who I remember playing for Peterborough against us in league 1, comes on as a sub and Hull reshuffle with a proper defender Elmohamady taking McShite’s place.  The corner we won before the injury is swung over and J-Rod has a free header from 8 yards which he makes a bollocks of, heading it straight down and into a defender.  Hull get up our end for the first time and win a thrown in on the left wing.  It’s hurled into the box where we defend like 8 year olds and let it bounce.  Luke half clears it to Elmohamady who picks out Long with a cross who surprisingly, doesn’t dive on the floor and complain to the ref.  Time stands still as it flicks off his head, beats King Artur and pings off the post before it rebounds to Boyd who can’t get any power into his bouncing effort which King Artur just shovels over the bar.  It would be just typical to miss three decent chances and then for the opposition to score with their first attack.

We are trying to play in the usual way but the ball through to the forwards is poor and usually easily picked off by Hull defenders who then leather it as far away as they can.  With Long being a midget and Jelavic not being a striker who is going to endlessly chase lost causes, it’s pretty poor stuff.  Before the game, Bruce was championing his midfield pair of Huddlestone and Livermore (loan!!) and his centre half Davies, saying they might make the England squad – well, the former two just watch the ball disappearing over their heads, usually wellied there by the latter.

J-Rod does what he does best and runs at the opposition goal and commits defenders,  Livermore has got the wrong side and Elmohamady comes in and brings him down.  Despite this being a clear yellow card offence, the ref can’t be arsed and we get a free kick and Hull get 11 behind the ball.  More decent football though creates another opening though as the ball breaks to J-Rod on the edge of the box and with a casual swing of his right boot, the ball curls over Harper and pings off the angle of post and bar.  A great effort and very unlucky.

The ref is pissing me off now, firstly giving a free kick against Morgan for sod all which allows a cross into our box which Davies meets but heads wide.  Then Shaw gets pulled back as he runs towards our own goal but no free kick is given and he ends up giving a corner away.  This gives the Leopards another half chance as the corner is cleared and Livermore volleys well over.  Aside from charitable refereeing, Hull are creating nothing and seem to have nothing to hurt us with as long as we defend the 70 yard ball forward to the strikers.  Having said all that, they do then work an opening when Jelavic decides to try running and after a piss poor attempt at a tackle by Steve Davis, he pokes his effort straight at The King who isn’t spilling any vodka saving that one.

The next highlight is Curtis Davies attempting a short pass and it went straight to a Saints player so the next time it gets launched into orbit and Long waits for Fonte to breathe on him before flopping down on the ground.  Fair play to the ref who on this occasion, is having none of it.  It’s so bloody predictable - on the ground or in the air, Long will receive the ball with his back to goal and just fall over.  He’s not a bad player but he is a horrible little shit.

Both teams have a chance as the half draws to a close with Shaw picking up a booking after he hoofs Elmohamady over when trying to make up for a crap pass from J-Rod.  Huddlestone, with his managers endorsement ringing in his ears, obviously has no clue what to do with the free kick from out wide and just drills it into the base of the wall in pub player fashion.  The last move of the half ends with a Lallana cross from the left and J-Rod climbs well at the back stick but heads onto the roof of the net.  Half time – we’ve been by far the better side and playing the better football but we’ve struggled in the final third with the ball frequently being lost by Sir Rickie and J-Rod or the pass from the midfielders being too easy to defend against.  Hull for their part – are shite so as long as we defend properly and the referee doesn’t do for us, it should just be a case of whether we can score or not.

We start the second half with a sharp intake of breath as Lallana is trashed by a none-too-subtle challenge by Figueroa and the Saints skipper takes a while to get back up again.  Jose Fonte then makes it very easy for the ref to book him as he makes a mistake and allows the ball to run through to Boyd, before chasing him and bringing him down.  The resulting free kick is taken by Jelavic but it’s another effort that won’t cause any Vodka spillage as The King catches easily.

We look very dangerous down the right as Davis and Chambers again combine for the full back to pull out a superb cross which reaches J-Rod about 8 feet off the ground.  Heading it is the obvious thing to do but why head it when a scissor volley will do, only it won’t as the ball is shinned straight up in the air.  There’s then a good example of how we play and how patient we are as we work down the right but nothings on so we go all the way back to King Artur and then out to the left wing where Shaw beats two players before causing havoc with his cross which is scooped out for a throw-in.

I have the feeling in my water that it’s coming but as usual with Saints, there are more near misses to endure.  First Davis plays a good ball into Sir Rickie who hits a decent shot across the keeper from an angle but Harper gets down well for a man of his advancing years.  The Ocelot’s defence is creaking and they are lucky to get an offside decision as a slick 1-2 between J-Rod and Adam is flagged offside before J-Rod pokes the ball at the keeper.  The Jaguars attacking is now limited to hopeful crosses and from of these, Long makes the mistake of challenging King Artur in the air and it’s a bit like when a fly flies into an oncoming lorry on a motorway.

Up the other end we win a corner as Chambers chases a lost cause which Figueroa didn’t fancy and does enough to get the decision even though it was 50-50 at best.  The croner is a poor one but it comes back out to Chambers who crosses and we manage to have 4 efforts on goal.  Firstly, Jose wins a header and powers it goalwards, only for Harper to make another good save. Lallana hits the rebound but it’s blocked out to Jose whose effort is cleared off the line by Figueroa before it’s finally smashed into the net by Sir Rickie and we can finally celebrate after going Yes, no, Yes, no, Yes, No.  The ref must have got word from the goal-line technology pretty quickly that Jose’s second effort was over the line as it’s him all the players run to.  Get in!!!

In my opinion, all we need to do is keep possession like we have been and that’ll be enough but it should be all over as a Hull player plays basketball in the box but the ref decides not to give a penalty which on first viewing looked ridiculous.  Steve Bruce goes for it by introducing Aluko (whose sister is the best player in his family) and Robbie Brady and taking off the shite Meyler and Figueroa.  We bring on Guly for Sir Rickie and he goes to the left with J-Rod going up top.  It’s still us doing all the attacking and another Chambers cross sees Harper come for it, change his mind and totally fail to deal with it.  Also not dealing with the responsibility of having to play a bit are Curtis Davies who either bombs it forward or gives it away and Tom Huddlestone who just kicks it anywhere as Saints midfield swarms all over him.

Elmohamady then goes down injured, Guly kicks the ball off and the game is stopped for ages instead of him being got off the pitch.  From the restart we get given the ball back but seem to switch off and King Artur plays a shite ball to Morgan who is too casual and ends up having to bring down a Hull player and gets booked.  What the fuck are we doing?  So, the Tigers have a free kick from 20 yards and up steps Aluko but his effort is wank and hits row Z.  His sister would have done better.

We nearly wrap it up as Shaw gets forward well and his quest for his first goal goes on as Harper saved well down low.  The rebound falls to Guly who has to score but to be fair, Davies gets in to clear it off the line with a great piece of defending.  JWP is on for Adam and the Cheetah’s have a couple of moments.  Firstly Jelavic fastens onto a ball over the top and lobs over the bar and then they actually play some football to get some space for Aluko and King Artur is made to work a bit for the first time in the game but it’s comfortable enough.

I totally love the way we play but two incidents make me laugh in the last few minutes.  Bearing in mind we’re 1-0 up away from home, why the hell is Corky, our defensive midfielder within 30 yards of the Hull goal but never mind as he gets as close as he’s ever got and thumps a fantastic effort onto the angle of post and bar whilst the fans in Row Z jump in anticipation of catching one.  The next time we get the ball out on the right I notice that Luke Shaw is in the centre forward position waiting for the cross.  What the actual fuck?

Big Vic is on for Davis, wins a header and then runs through someone in amusing fashion and that’s it.  Another superb performance which really should have yielded more than a 1-0 win.  Am I complaining though….errr no!  Back to back away wins are a rarity so let’s just enjoy.

Are we good or what?  Yes we are and Steve Bruce knows it and says many nice things about us after the game.  Mauricio was of course delighted with the effort and performance put in and it’s so nice that the fans that made a horrendous trip to Hull and back, were rewarded with a performance and more importantly, a result.  There were great performances all over the pitch but the two standouts for me were Maya Yoshida and Morgan Schneiderlin.  Maya again didn’t put a foot wrong and Morgan was just superb and was the main reason why Huddlestone and Livermore did nothing except smash the ball away in panic.

Hull are going to be looking over their shoulders all season but they seem to be a better side than Fulham and Cardiff and should stay up.  I hope they do because there are many others who I would prefer to see taking the drop.  Having signed the two strikers, Bruce will be tempted to play them but two strikers leaves your midfield light and Saints totally dominated in there today.  I hope Bruce sorts it out and that the Hull fans get their wish to stay as Hull City and not be forced into changing the club name on the whim of the nutjob owner they have.

Next up we have Uncle Gus in the FA Cup and they have the advantage of being at home and having had their midweek league match called off.  Surely this time we can beat them or at the very least get them back to SMS.  Two wins from playing at Wembley.  Come on You Reds!!!

Premier League Match 25 - Southampton 2 Stoke City 2

Lets Face It Crouchy.  She is far too good for you!

If you asked fans of the other 19 teams in the Premier League to rank all the other teams in the order of how much you like them and then averaged out the results, the chances are that Stoke would be somewhere near 19^th place, fighting it out with Manchester United.  Mark Hughes has been charged with changing what makes Stoke unlikeable and that of course is the hoof it, kick it, smash it up in the air mentality that they have had over the past few years.  Can you knock it though as they’ve been very successful with it.   Like with Fat Sam at West ham though, if you don’t get results then even your own fans will not have a lot of goodwill if they all go home in neck braces after a game.  Apparently they are changing the way they play so we shall see.  Remember that we let in a goal from 90 yards against them last time out.

All has been pretty quiet at SMS this week aside from the sad news that Sam Gallagher’s father passed away so he’s not involved today.   I had hoped that the close of the transfer window would see a reduction in the number of bollocks articles written for at least a few months until the season ends but no, Luke Shaw is still off to Chelsea and Man United, only he isn't, as well all know though i do understand that he's passed medicals at both...yawn!

The weather is still shit.  I arrive at the ground feeling like I’ve had a course of botox as I can’t feel my face having battered my way against the wind to cross the Itchen Bridge.  Whilst on the bridge I take advantage of a 3G signal which stops working when you get top within half a mile of SMS and find out the teams.  Corky is in over Big Vic and Clyney is back in for Calum Chambers who picked up a dead leg last week.  Lloyd Isgrove has made the bench again but there’s only really Guly as a recognized forward option.  Stoke have Peter Crouch up front, all 7 foot and 6 stone of him and they have Ryan Shawcross in defence who is a complete thug though missing his usual partner Robert Huth, who is an even bigger thug.

Considering the amount of rain that has fallen in the past month, it’s quite remarkable how good the pitch looks at SMS as the ball is worked back to the Stoke centre halves who launch it into orbit.  At least this time it didn’t bounce over King Artur and make it 1-0.  Saints first attack of note came to a halt as Charlie Adam put in a strong tackle on J-Rod, won the ball and gave us a corner.  The corner was worked short to Sir Rickie who tried to curl in a cross but Adam charged it down about a foot outside the penalty area and gave us a free kick.  Luckily the ref is not Twattenburg and he gave it.   It’s on the side of the penalty are and it’s obvious that Sir Rickie is going to shoot and shoot he does, curling it round the ball, past the keeper and in off the post, just below the crossbar – fucking brilliant, 1-0.

We have developed a bit of a habit recently of conceding a goal straight after we’ve scored and we have another go as Assaidi (loaned from Liverpool) gets down the left, crosses it into Walters who tees up Odemwingie whose shot is scuffed a bit and easy enough for Artur to save.  I have to say that for the next 15 minutes or so, Stoke look quite decent in that they are trying to pass the ball, usually though Adam in the centre of midfield.  When we’ve got it they are closing us down very quickly and not giving Lallana or J-Rod any chance to run with it or create much.  As a spectacle, it’s a bit crap.

Saints have a great opening as we approach the half hour which stems from a Stoke corner which is cleared.  Steve Davis nips in front of Muniesa on the edge of our penalty area and he’s away, carrying the ball 70 yards before sliding in the overlapping player who happens to be Nathaniel Clyne.  He hits a decent sidefooted effort which is well read by Begovic and beaten away.  The ball eventually finds its way to Sir Rickie in the centre and his chip into the box is once again handled by Adam and this time he does get booked for it.  Whilst we were all hoping for a repeat, Sir Rickie’s effort this time starts off too central and Begovic catches it dismissively.  Begovic is getting volumes of Skate abuse from the Northam which is all well and good but lets remember that he hardly played a game for them, got sold to Stoke and it costs the Skates a million because Spurs had first refusal on him.  Sounds like he’s up there with Antii Niemi as a legend who took them for fortunes without contributing anything at all.

We are meandering towards half time and I’m looking forward to a second goal just after half time and a canter to the 3 points but out of a place where there is no danger whatsoever, Adam pings a ball forward, dissects Shaw and Yoshida and as King Artur comes out, Odemwingie just has to touch it past him which he duly does for 1-1.  Bollocks, what a simple goal that was.  If we’d managed to get to half time then Odemwingie might have been sat in some other clubs car park waiting for his agent.

We haven’t got time to get too annoyed about it as we win a throw in on the right wing, Clyne throws it to Steve Davis who turns and curls it in left footed, Sir Rickie and Shawcross go for it and miss it and everyone else including Begovic leaves it and watch it bounce into the net.

So all is well with the world again and we have time for a quick blast of ‘you’re not singing anymore’ before the Stoke fans are singing again as they win a corner from a long throw.  Adam fires it over and that big lanky streak of piss gets in front of Jose, in front of King Artur and it somehow bobbles into the net.  One shit goal each conceded then.

Half time and it really is quite bizarre that the half will be seen as some sort of great entertainment as there were 4 goals in it when in fact, there was precious little quality in it aside from Sir Rickie’s free kick and Charlie Adam’s pass and nothing much of any note between the 5^th minute and the first Stoke equalizer.

My half time conversations earwigging is quality though.  The people who sit behind me in the Family Stand are three 45-60 year olds.  The term ‘Family Stand’ implies having kids with you but it appears these guys have just decided to buy tickets there and the club has not picked up on it until now – hence the letter that we all go regarding the ratio of 2:1 for over 17s to Under 17s.  It’s amusing as you would have expected the Iron Fist of Cortese to have picked up on that.  Anyway, they have to move for next season which is good for me as they talk complete shit.

The five minutes of excitement that happened before the break is replaced by tedium after the break.  We’re trying to play but Stoke are defending well and whereas in the first half they played decent-ish footbvall, they’ve now reverted to type a bit and it’s the 60 yard bomb up to Crouch and hope for the best.  We have another quick break and Clyne gets a cross in by Steve Davis can’t get enough on the header to trouble Begovic who is not getting a constant stream of Skate related abuse from the Chapel.  There’s a brilliant Judo throw from Shawcross who puts both arms round Jose at a corner and throws him to the ground, safe in the knowledge that it’s not a penalty unless it’s Twattenburg and it’s a Saints player doing the holding.

Jose Fonte gets up a head of steam as he brings the ball out from the back and ends up feeding Sir Rickie whose shot is deflected over for a corner which Davis chips straight to Begovic.  Crouch and Fonte tangle from Stoke’s next bomb forward and Crouch clearly kicks out as Jose as the ball is cleared.  It’s nothing really but on another day with another ref and a linesman who’s awake and it’s a red card.  From that incident, Shaw gets on a run and you can see the foul from Whelan coming from a mile off and he just hacks him over.  How the referee does not see this as a booking is quite amazing.  The resulting free kick sees Sir Rickie head back across but unfortunately he’s picked out Corky who is about as likely to score as Katharina Liebherr is to appear pissed on the pitch at half time with a microphone in her hand like Delia Smith.  No, neither happened.  What does happen though is an amusing chant of ‘your wife’s too good for you’ aimed at The Giraffe…. And she is.  He got caught banging a hooker as well didn’t he…. Muppet!

There was 20 minutes of nothingness apart from another of those flash-hailstorms which we seem to specialise in at the moment and if you looked to the bench for inspiration then there really wasn’t any.  Chambers came on for Clyne in a straight swap but Mauricio saw no need to call on Guly or Lloyd Isgrove as attacking options.  We had one final chance on 82 minutes as Chambo chipped a ball over the defence and Morgan met it on the volley from a tight angle but rammed it into the side netting.

In keeping with the rest of the second half, the last 10 minutes just lamely ticked by and so it ended 2-2 and all a bit disappointing considering we were in front twice and coughed up poor goals to allow Stoke to equalize twice.  I think that Mauricio was influenced by the Villa home game a few weeks back when at 2-2 we went for it with attacking substitutions and lost the game 3-2.  Had we had a Ramierz, Osvaldo or even Gallagher on the bench then I think he’d have gone for it.  Having said that, I think either Guly or Isgrove could have been given 10 minutes at the end to see if they could have won it for us.  It was also slightly surprising that Big Vic and JWP were left on the bench but I guess with a midweek game coming up that it wasn’t worth risking it.

Jose Fonte was on interview duty after the game and talk predictably turned to the training ground incident with The Prick.  Jose revealed that The Prick had apologised after a fashion but that these things take time to sort out.  Basically ‘good riddance’ with more words and fair enough.  Enough of Osvaldo then but wait…

The Saints media department pulled out a gem with #LovrenLive which as the name suggests, involved Dejan live tweeting from the game.  It was amusing as the man is obviously a character.  It is a shame though that there are some numpties out there who don’t see this as a positive thing.  I did a quick scan of Twitter and found a hashtag called #OsvaldoLive.  These were all swiftly deleted but I found them anyway.

5 mins.  GOLAZO!!!! Rickie Lambert.  Bastard never let me take-a the free kicks. #fatty #osvaldolive

6mins I would nut him but he too big and from Liverpool #calmdown #hardman #osvaldolive

27mins SHIT!! Call that a shot Clyne.  I stamp-a on your head. #defendershot #osvaldolive

37mins Goal Stoke.  Where the fuck was Fonte. #headbutt #osvaldolive

40mins You can’t always get what you want #Juve #osvaldolive

41mins GOAAAAL! Davis.  Fucking fluke.  Shit English football #Oirish #osvaldolive

43mins Goal Stoke. Giraffe.  I’d nut him but too tall #streakofpiss #osvaldolive

44mins Where the fuck were you Artur you fucking… no, bad move, how you delete #osvaldolive #sorry #vodka #charlie

45mins I off back to Italy.  Fuck you #osvaldolive

I back. Had new tattoo of penis on my forehead #osvaldolive

@jerryhall Yes, I am @MickJagger lovechild #osvaldolive

64mins - Giraffe has kicked Fonte.  Fucking nut him Peter. I did #osvaldolive

65mins - Kick in bollocks or head-butt.  Nothing else will do #hardman #osvaldolive

65mins - Giraffe’s wife too good for him.  I go and visit, she needs Pirate Portion #fit #osvaldolive

82mins - @JordanSibley looking at me funny.  I kick him in bollocks #Justice #3matchban #osvaldolive

83mins – I was born, in a crossfire hurricane #osvaldolive

88mins – Ingleesh football is shit #Malvinas #osvaldolive

90mins – I go with #honkytonkwoman #undercoverofthenight #gimmeshelter #osvaldolive

95mins – Thank fuck that over.  I loan to @Juventus. Fuck You and Ingleesh football #Arrivederci #osvaldolive

OK, I may have made some of that up.

Today was ultimately disappointing but the way I look at it is that Stoke did a pretty good job at stifling us today, especially in the second half and probably deserved their point.  It was certainly the quietest game that Adam Lallana has had for a long time and no one really stepped up to shoulder the creative burden.  Steve Davis probably did as much as anyone and he’s been excellent recently, probably helped by the fact that he has JWP breathing down his neck for a place in the starting XI.  We needed options off the bench to win it today and we didn’t have any.  I hate to say it but The Prick Osvaldo would have been useful to have on the bench today.  He was too busy tweeting though.  Stoke are a tough team to beat, especially when you give them something to hang onto.  Though the first goal was a decent pass, there was a huge gap at the back and no pressure on Adam in midfield which is unusual for us and the second goal was definitely preventable.  Before anyone bitches about the weather… it was the same for both teams.  I did look at the corner flags for a bit in the second half  (more exciting than the football) to try and work out which way the wind was blowing and it was blowing about 4 directions at once so it can’t have been easy to play in which may partly explain why it was a poor game.

Next up we have Hull City Tiger Leopard Cheetah Ocelots at the KC Stadium on a Tuesday night in another triumph for the fixture computer.  It’s a similar rule to the one which says every game at Sunderland must be a 1pm kick off but this one specifically says “Hull v Southampton, fucking long way = Tuesday night”.  Hull looked to be heading right back into the relegation mix until they beat Uncle Gus’s lot today.  They’ve signed a couple of forwards including Jelavic from Everton and my favourite moaning diving little fucker in Shane Long.  Should be a good game but one I expect to get something from.  Match of the Day predictably said that the first half today was great and the second was poor which is not true.  Both halves were poor, it’s just that the first half had goals in it.

Miss You #rollingstones #osvaldolive 

Premier League Match 24 - Fulham 0 Southampton 3

Clyne, Shaw, Cork, Rodriguez, Lallana and Lambert + 5 others

An away trip to second from bottom Fulham may prove to be more taxing than it would have been.  The transfer window had closed and Fulham had managed to bring in 5 players who one would assume, are better than what they had before.  The one class piece of business was to get rid of Phillippe Senderos who is a guaranteed goal for whatever opposition he was playing against – Think Callum Davenport 2005 for a comparison.  Also gone was Dimitar Berbatov which is probably a good thing for us as it means Darren Bent is up front.  As for their new players, well I’ve never been particularly impressed with Lewis Holtby though John Heitinga is a definite upgrade on Senderos.  These buys need to work for Rene Meulensteen or else he’ll be joining the long line of excellent coaches who become a manager and totally flounder.

Saints have gone about their usual business in the transfer window and signed no one.  We have however shipped out some deadwood with Lee Barnard going to Southend, Aaron Martin to Birmingham and Billy Sharp to Doncaster.  Now matter how far down the pyramid we trawled, we couldn’t find anyone to take Jonno Pace off our hands.  He’s just too fast for anyone.  We did of course manage to get shot of The Prick who went out on loan to Juventus where he joins a battery of strikers in Fernando Llorente, Carlos Tevez, Mirko Vucinic and …  We’ve negotiated a deal whereby they have the option to buy at the end of the season so we’ve got to hope that he manages to get to May.  In order for them to want to buy him he’s got to a) get in the team, b) not punch / nut a team mate and c) not shag the owners daughter.  I have a feeling that this isn’t over for us as he’s going to struggle to get a game so are they really going to fork out £15 million in the summer.  Oh well, for now anyway we’ve got shot of him and that’s a good thing.

To the teams for today and Mauricio has rewarded Corky’s Man of the Match performance against Arsenal by dropping him in favour of Big Vic.  Please though I am to see the big man back, it’s a harsh one but a predictable one nonetheless.  I am a bit worried that Vic will be a long way off the pace as he hasn’t played a minute for about three months.  Whatever happened to reserve matches to get match fit again?  The only other change is the return of Sir Rickie with Not so Fat Sam dropping to the bench.  The only two new players available for Fulham are William Kvist and Holtby in midfield.  I find it unbelievable that they can field two new midfielders and still find room for Championship standard Steve Sidwell and League of Ireland standard Damien Duff.  At last Duff used to be a good player once upon a time.

We start off well in terms of possession but there’s nothing much going on up front and we keep losing the ball before it gets interesting.  Big Vic is his predictable self, winnign the ball with aplomb and then being possessed by the spirit of Francis Benali and loafing it into the crowd.  I swear there were a couple of passes where you couldn’t even see who he was aiming at.  J-Rod manages to get booked for his first tackle for not a lot really and I’m wondering if we’re going to have a fun day with the referee.  Talking of being possessed (which I was a minute ago), Scott Parker seems to think he’s a player capable of chipping King Artur from the edge of the box but his effort floats straight to the Holy Goalie who stands there and dismissively catches it, without spilling a drop of vodka.

Despite not having much of the ball, Fulham are doing a lot more with it than we are as Steve Davis, the ginger master of the baize, miscues straight to a Fulham player and Darren Bent gets away down the right and fires over a dangerous low cross which Chambers has to shovel behind for a corner.  Our next attack is led by Luke Shaw who feeds J-Rod and his cross is cleared.  This brings more panic as Fulham build up the right and a ball inside the covering Big Vic frees Reither and his cross towards Bent is headed over his own bar by Jose Fonte.  The corner is delivered and Hangeland gets a back-header in despite Chambers wrestling with him and The King takes off and pull off a top drawer save to flip it away.

We have gone to shit now but there’s still time for comedy incident of the day where Holtby picks up a ball in midfield and Big Vic runs over him in much the same way as a juggernaut runs over a hedgehog.  Holtby is left on the floor appealing to the ref and wondering what the fuck that was.  Big Vic’s next tackle is a nothing affair as he pulls out of it but the Fulham player goes airborne and we get a second booking of the day and this time it’s really for nothing at all.

Holtby is causing more problems than a player of his limited ability should do and his cross is flicked on by Parker to Bent whose volley from the edge of the box is acrobatically turned aside by our favourite party animal who seems to be in the mood for a clean sheet today.  He has to be up for the challenge again a minute later as Big Vic gets robbed by Sidwell and plays Bent through and the player who once had a decent career sees any of the goal that he had to aim at, blotted out by King Artur once more.  Once we’d cleared it, the ref decided to go back and book Morgan who therefore became our third player to be booked for the sum total of not a lot. 

It’s half time and we’ve been the better side in terms of possession but Fulham have had the chances and will feel that they should be in front.  It’s interesting to scan the #saintsfc tag on Twitter which is almost exclusively used by bedwetters.  Most of the ire was directed at Big Vic and Sir Rickie.   Of course, Big Vic has pinned Mauricio to a wall and demanded that he got picked and as for slagging off Sir Rickie – well, you really should know better.

Corky is on for the second half for Big Vic and immediately we look more cohesive and more purposeful.  This starts with a great move down the left which concludes with Shaw’s run and cross which goes right across to J-Rod who whacks a snapshot just wide of the far post.  There is a sense that it’s coming as Morgan plays a ball to Lallana and keeps going, receiving the skippers drilled pas son his chest and attempting an overhead kick which flies just over.

Calum Chambers is limping and has to go off to be replaced by Nathaniel Clyne but there is no disruption at all as Lallana takes aim from the edge of the box and though it’s well hit, it’s not going to trouble Stekelenberg who catches easily.  There’s a moment of farce as J-Rod shanked a volley across the goal from Corky’s cross and the defender falls over which seems to put Sir Rickie off and he falls over as well.  It’s coming I tell you.

Goaaaaaaaaaaaaal!  Corky wins it in midfield and plays it to Morgan who feeds Sir Rickie who has space in behind Reither who has buggered off somewhere.  One well weighted pass to Lallana and he’s up against Hangeland who gives him too much space and though he’s quite wide, an unerringly accurate shot finds the far bottom corner.

The response from Fulham is just to give us the ball back and allow us to keep it and take the pressure off.  Five minutes later and the game is virtually done.  Clyne bursts down the right, feeds Davis who cleverly shifts it back into the path of Clyne’s run and his low cross is dummied by J-Rod and Sir Rickie is steaming in behind to crash it into the net.  Brilliant goal and 2-0.

So, what have you got Fulham?  The cameras pan to Muelensteen and Uncle Festa Ray Wilkins in the Fulham dugout, then somewhat mischievously to Alan Curbishley in the crowd who is their Director of Football or as it’s commonly known, Manager In Wating.  He’s sat near Roy Hodgson who is making a bit of a habit of being at Saints games.  I expect he’s here to watch Steve Sidwell or to see if Scott Parker’s still got it or maybe to see if Kieran Richardson can add to the England caps he’s already got.  Who the fuck capped him or maybe he bought them on eBay.  Maybe though he’s here to watch the boys in red and he must have been purring as Sir Rickie picked up the ball on the edge of our own penalty area and pinged it 70 yards inside the full back in curling into the path of J-Rod who controlled, cut inside and as Hangeland got nowhere near him, placed it into far top corner.  What a fucking goal that is! 3-0, have it!!!

Big Sam comes on for J-Rod with a couple of minutes to go but our work is done here and we comfortably keep Fulham away from King Artur’s goal and complete the win and the clean sheet comfortably.  We probably could have scored more but we didn’t need to.

If that’s not enough to put a smile on your face then I don’t know what is.  Yes, Fulham were desperately poor in the second half but we’d have beaten anyone to be honest.  Absolutely brilliant stuff right the way through the team from King Artur through to J-Rod and Sir Rickie up top.  Two of the standouts for me were actually the central defenders who though not tested much, didn’t put a foot wrong all game.  Jose provided the strength and power and Maya just mopped everything up with the minimum of fuss.  The biggest compliment you can pay Maya is that we haven’t missed Dejan Lovren at all.  King Artur is the main man though as his three first half stops kept it at 0-0 which gave us the platform to piss the second half.

With Roy Hodgson being present, the main focus will be on the English players who scored the goals today but the longer our form continues, there will be others aside from Sir Rickie, Adam and J-Rod on the radar.  Is there a better English defensive midfielder than Jack Cork – please don’t say Lampard or Carrick!  The biggest obstacle to Jack is probably staying in our team.  Nathaniel Clyne was brilliant when he came on and his part in the second goal, firstly with the run and then with the quality ball in cannot have failed to impress the England manager who is used to Glenn Johnson or Kyle Walker aimlessly wafting cross out for a throw-in on the other side.  Of course there is Luke Shaw as well who has less of a chance because of the competition at left back.  All he can do is get himself to the front of the queue behind Baines and Ashley Cole.

The post match interviews with Sir Rickie and Adam really made the point about the team spirit which was never really a problem but has certainly been brought into sharper focus with the removal of The Prick.  Adam called Sir Rickie the talisman of the club and Sir Rickie gave all the credit to J-Rod.  It’s all heart-warming stuff.

Fulham looked doomed it has to be said.  A splurge on playerrs in January was necessary but it looks to me that they haven’t brought in the necessary quality.  Even if the Greek striker rattles in 15 goals before the end of the season, they’re still shite at the back even without Senderos.  Heitinga’s good but not fantastic but the existing players look shot.  Both Reither and Richardson can’t defend and Hangeland played today like he was about 45 year s old.  I hope they stay up as there are many more clubs who I’d wish relegation on more than Fulham but I can’t see it right now.  Maybe Curbishley can inspire a few results as I don’t see Muelensteen lasting too long.

Next up we have the visit of the new improved Stoke City who have just beaten man United.  You’re playing a decent side next week though chaps so hold tight.