Andy Carroll in training on Friday
Today we have a clash of mid-table obscurity as we entertain West Ham at St Mary’s. Hmmm, that word “entertain”. Needless to say that if there’s any entertaining done today, it will be done by the men in red and not the men under the charge of Sam Allardyce who will be here for a point and won’t care how they get it – it really is that predictable.
This week for Saints has seen Adam Lallana sign a new contract to keep him here for another 5 years and promising young defender Jack Stephens signed a contract to keep him here for 4 years. Pleased though I am with these, I would be more pleased with the Holy Goalie signing on for another two but as I write, this still hasn’t happened.
Elsewhere in football, the Skates Trust managed to get a judge to agree to sell them Fratton Park for not very much more than any other piece of wasteland is worth and so they should have a club next year in League 2, unless the financial details of the deal (which have not been released as yet) are prohibitive to the Trust who have no yet really released details of how much money they have now or going forward. I assume all is ok as they are going to look pretty fucking stupid with all the celebrating that's been going on. Assuming the takeover actually happens, they really should have a show on TV like that Dynamo Magician Impossible chap… “I can take your £150 million and make it disappear and you won’t have it and I won’t have to give it back to you”. I have to say though, fair play to the Trust who have got this far.
Another thing that has happened within the Saints squad is a virus which Luke Shaw probably picked up at school. Today it has robbed us of the aforementioned Shaw and also of man of the moment J-Rod who has recovered enough to be on the bench. The rest of the team is as you’d expect with Gaston being preferred to Punch on the right and Danny Fox drafted in at left back to give the moron squad in the stands someone to concentrate on – at least until Guly comes on. On the bench aside from Guly was that little African bloke who we paid £3.5 million for – I’m sure his name will come to me. Fat Sam has picked a Jaaskelainen in goal, Andy Carroll up front and 9 other players to scrap for the knock downs and today’s referee is Kevin Nolan.
The referee is actually Mike Dean and every time we play West Ham or Stoke, I’m hoping we get a ref who is strict and a little bit card happy so it’s to my delight that when Joey O’Brien blatantly body-checks Gaston after about 30 seconds, that the ref does nothing. Add this to the first three air raids launched from the keeper and defence up to Andy Carroll and if you weren’t sure as to what today’s game was going to be like, then you were now.
Gaston Ramirez has started promisingly and plays a deft ball through to Lallana who pulls the trigger at the precise moment that Tomkins slides in and blocks. Last weeks failing of not getting the ball clear comes back to haunt us as ball into the mixer drops and Clyne fails to give it the welly and is shoved off it by the sizeable arse of Nolan who turns and shoots but King Artur saves comfortably. We are trying to play decent stuff when we get it and work our way up the pitch only for Morgan to ruin it by diving to try and win a free kick which he gets rightly booked for. We’ve set up slightly strangely in that Steve Davis is out on the left with Lallana in the middle where all the bodies are, meaning he’s not finding enough space to be effective.
Mike Dean remembers what he’s out there for as Foxy slides into a tackle on Diame, wins the ball and gets booked for his second foul (referee impressively pointing to another area of the pitch where Foxy made another tackle which was barely a foul). So, now we’re 2-0 up on bookings, which is somewhat miraculous as we’re losing about 8-3 on number of fouls committed, not to mention all the ones the referee has ignored. There's a moment of concern as Vaz Te finds himself with a bit of space and the ball, which is something he won’t see often to he smashes in a shot which is still rising as it clears the bar by about a foot.
We are trying to win the ball high up the pitch as usual which is difficult against a side that bypass midfield. On the one occasion the Hammers try and pass it, they pass it to Nolan who has the turning circle of the QE2 and Lallana robs him before feeding Clyne who burns past O’Brien before seeing his cross blocked. It has to be said that the West Ham central defenders are right on it and once again they tidy up as Corky scoops a pass over the midfield to Sir Rickie who tries to return it to the man who never scores who is saved the bother of hitting it over the bar. Saints are beginning to turn the screw though and Sir Rickie puts Lallana in on goal but he butchers it and sees Tomkins block his shot when he should have really laid it off to Gaston who was completely free and six yards out.
Ex-Skate Gary O’Neil announces his arrival with a clumsy foul on Gaston which the ref blows for. The ball runs loose to Cork who is then unceremoniously hacked over by Nolan. Neither foul is deemed worthy of a booking by Mike Dean, even the one that took place after everyone had stopped and the temperature is rising a bit despite the pissing rain. We nearly make them pay from the free kick as Gaston’s delivery is met by Sir Rickie at the back stick but his prod towards goal is superbly kept out by Jaaskelainen who shovels it onto the post and away. There were a few token appeals that it had crossed the line but it didn’t look like it from where I was. Whilst later TV replays proved that it was much closer to being a goal than I initially thought, the lino got that one right.
The ball is inevitably bombed forward to Carroll and he clearly grabs a handful of Yoshida’s shirt and throws him on the ground in a move he got from watching the Judo at the Olympics. The ref blew for the foul and he carried on and stuck it in the net past the motionless King Artur who just watched it. Carroll then went and had a massive rant at the referee which would normally have brought an immediate booking but not today with Mike Dean who just ignores it. I don’t get it – he’s done the judo throw, he knows he’s done the judo throw and still he kicks off about being spotted doing the judo throw. About 30 seconds later there is another free kick awarded for yet another West Ham foul and Carroll kicks off again and this time does get booked. Thick. That is all.
Nolan and Lallana are at it again and it all gets a bit feisty as Nolan manages to get away yellow-free with yet another foul. Gaston and Sir Rickie try the same free kick routine but this time it’s just overhit. Gaston is playing well though and he bursts onto a ball only for O’Brien to grab a handful of shirt and only lets go when he is in the box and off balance. It’s outside the box but it’s a foul and it’s right in front of the linesman who does absolutely fuck all. There is one last chance before the break as Corky gets forward again and clips a cross onto Sir Rickie’s head but the big man’s looped header just curls away from the angle of post and bar.
Half time and the rain is coming down sideways which is a bit of a pisser if you in the Northam End. It’s also a pisser for yours truly as I’m off into town to meet a Hammers mate after the game. The text message exchange at half time consists of “0-0 I reckon” and “I couldn’t watch that shit every week”. Guess who sent what? On the pitch the subs are going through their drills. We appear to have a little African bloke joining in - dunno who he is.
The opening exchanges of the second half see both Clyne and Gaston getting to the line behind O’Brien by Clyne’s cross is behind the forward and Gaston just runs out of pitch. We then manage to nearly go behind as a Vaz Te cross is deflected upwards and Yoshida throws himself at the header and totally misses it leading to mass panic and Carroll swivelling and scuffing one just wide with everyone motionless. Artur does not look happy - be afraid, be very afraid.
West Ham signed a winger for about £10 million quid at the start of the season. Wingers are creative players who rely on others to give them the ball to feet so it’s no surprise when Matt Jarvis who has done absolutely nothing is hauled off and replaced with Jack Collison. It is a somewhat delicious irony when we take the lead and it’s following a goal kick. King Artur hoofs it and Tomkins heads it Gaston who goes to shoot but true to form, both Hammers centre backs throw themselves in to block but luckily the ball bounces back to Gaston and he’s through on goal. Bang, top corner, 1-0 and a brilliant finish.
Immediately West Ham are at us with Vaz Te crossing into the mixer and Corky produces a superb clearing header to stop Carroll having a free header from 6 yards. Sadly it’s only a temporary respite as the throw finds Diame who cuts infield and it clumsily clogged over by Big Jos. It’s 20 yards out and just right of centre which is ideal for a left footer and Carroll takes the tapped free kick from O'Neil and mis-hits it into the net via a slight deflection off Davis. Bollocks.
With 20 to go it’s substitution time and Gaston’s goal has rescued him and so it’s Lallana who is replaced which is fair enough as he’s been completely anonymous in the 2nd half. Pray for Gsaton as he’s already played 10 minutes longer than usual and there’s the prospect of more. J-Rod is on and he’s immediately running at the defence and causing a different kind of problem for them which West Ham deal with, with a cynical block by Pogatetz who has just come on for the injured Tomkins and miraculously, Mike Dean books him. I remember Pogatetz for being shit for Middlesbrough about 10 years ago and I can’t imagine that he’s improved. Gaston wafts the free kick miles over everyone and out for a goal kick and then follows that up with two more shite deadball deliveries which sees activity immediately on the subs bench.
Before anyone can come on to replace the half dead Uruguayan, Carroll gets the chance to reach a full gallop as Yoshida yet again misses the header and then Jos compounds it by slipping on his arse. Carroll looks about to die and he’s not about to try and pass to the one player who has tried to make a run with him so he has a shot which King Artur saves comfortably.
Punch is on for Gaston and we have to remind ourselves that it’s the 80th minute and not the 60th as Gastn goes off. Foxy charges down the wing and Vaz Te produces yet another cynical foul to block him off and Mike Dean has now, about 70 minutes too late, decided to start booking players for cynical fouls. It’s a decent shooting position but Sir Rickie can’t make it 3 free kick goals in the last 3 home games as his shot hits someone in the wall on the head and deflects away.
Every newly promoted club ends up with squad players who are not good enough for the division they find themselves in. They get rid of most of them (as we did with Harding, Deano, Billy Sharp) but there are always some who you can’t shift (Guly, Steeeeve) who occasionally get game time against all odds. Reading have about 16 of these but one such West Ham player is about to join the action and so on comes ex-Skate in chief Matt Taylor to a predictable and deserved barrage of abuse. The reason Taylor gets stick and Gary O’Neil doesn’t is because O’Neil never gave it the large one at a South Coast Derby like Taylor did. Thanks for the last minute penalty in 2004 though you Skate bastard.
There is time for one more effort as injury time ticks away as J-Rod runs straight at the retreating defence and hits one which Jaaskelainen parries out. For a tantalising second it looks like it’s heading to Punch to knock in but it eludes him and he’s offside anyway.
Full time and I think we can safely say that both teams were happy with a point, as were the fans of both sides. I felt that we answered a few questions today about how we would adapt against a more direct side and the answer was that Davis , Corky and Morgan sat a bit deeper to compete for the knockdowns off of Carroll. This did leave us a bit short on bodies in the box at the other end when we were attacking at times, not helped by the absence of J-Rod who made a difference when he came on and would have posed the Hammers defence a lot more problems than they faced if he had been fit enough to start. I thought that in the main Danny Fox had a decent game and Nathaniel Clyne on the other side was outstanding though I’d give man of the match to Steven Davis who just seems to be getting better and better at the moment. The low point – Gaston’s set piece delivery which was generally shocking and Maya Yoshida seemed to get rattled by Carroll and his decision making went to shit as a result and he kept trying to get in front of him and ended up missing the headers all the time. Big Jos had a decent game as the physical battle suits him and he seems to think that it wasn’t a foul for the free kick. I’ve seen a few replays of it and I haven't seen one which contradicts my belief that he didn’t get anything on the ball whatsoever. Overall - a fair result.
As for West Ham, they defended well with Collins and Tomkins outstanding – what a shitbag that Joey O’Brien is though! I don’t see what Kevin Nolan brings to the table as a footballer – I remember him being decent at Bolton but he just seems to loaf about now causing flashpoints by being a kind of anti-football-Michael-Brown-Joey Barton-lite and not actually contributing a great deal except kicking people and lumbering about. I was impressed with Andy Carroll aside from his stupid petulance in the first half – he’s a handful and he’d be a better player if not solely used for competing for balls smashed up to him from 60 yards away. Get wide and get crosses into him has to be the name of the game but the two wide players, Vaz Te and in particular Jarvis were barely used.
I went for a beer after the game with a West Ham season ticket holder who told me that at home, the Hammers play some decent stuff, pass it and get it out wide but away from home recently it’s “thou shalt not pass” and hoofball. Assuming that is in fact the case, then you have to admire the travelling Hammers who go to away games and watch a shite style of football every other week. On the flip side though, assuming they don’t lose their last 6 games you can say that Fat Sam has achieved the objective of any newly promoted side and has stayed up.
So, still in 11th place after the game and you gotta be happy with that. Next up we have an away game against Swansea who do appear to have knocked off for the season after winning the COC(k) followed by a home game against the Baggies who are both directly above us in the league and catchable. I’m still looking downwards though so it was nice to see ‘Arry’s miserable saggy twitching mug on Match of the Day again after another QPR defeat. Nigel Adkins new side got a 0-0 at home to Liverpool but that really has no bearing on us at all other than making our performance last week, when we pissed all over Reading, look even more impressive. Third bottom Wigan aren’t playing in the league until Wednesday when they will hopefully use up one of their games in hand with a resounding defeat at Manchester City which is now a dress rehearsal for the FA Cup Final in May. Result of the weekend though was Sunderland winning 3-0 at Newcastle to arrest the freefall and make Stoke my new favourites to go down with Nigel and ‘Arry.
As for us... bring on the Sheep Shaggers.
As for us... bring on the Sheep Shaggers.
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