Premier League Match 35 - Southampton 0 West Brom 3

Boing boing bloody boing, it’s time for a visit from the acceptable side of Midlands football, West Bromwich Albion who have over the past few seasons, emerged as the best club in that neck of the woods with Villa being poor in the Premier League and Birmingham and especially Wolves being shite in the Championship.  One of these sides even appointed Dean Saunders as manager and so deserve all they get.  The Baggies started the season brilliantly and when we played them back in October, we were appalling and got beat 2-0 with barely a whimper and the writing was on the wall for Nigel Adkins from around that moment, no matter how much he tried to draw a blue line under it and move on.

The nadir of The Hawthorns has been recognized by the players as well with Maya Yoshida referencing it in his pre-match interview and promising that West Brom would see a different Saints today.  Let’s hope so.  He, along with Mauricio and Artur Boruc last week, mentioned aspirations of getting in the Champions League either next season or the one after.  I really wish we wouldn’t come out with this embarrassing bollocks.  Yes, aim for the top, fine but keep it in-house because otherwise there’s a very good chance you could end up looking completely deluded and stupid.

To today and I’m very late.  The pre-game dog walk has ended at 2.15pm after retrieving the little bastard from the middle of a bloody great hedge and 44 minutes later I’m hearing the teams being read out from behind the Chapel Stand as I make my way round to the Kingsland turnstiles, trying to get my swipecard thing out of my wallet and devour a bacon baguette at the same time.  So, with onions and brown sauce going everywhere, the team news is that Luke Shaw is injured so Foxy is at left back again so in fact, it’s the same side that played at Swansea with Lallana and J-Rod supporting Sir Rickie and as you were.  West Brom appear to have named three strikers in Fortune, Long and Lukaku so they’re obviously going for it and they have Liam Ridgewell, who is one of those ‘how the hell is he getting a regular game in the Premier League?’ type of players. Refereeing today is Richard Madeley which is a bit confusing, as was his decision to marry Judy, who is his mum.

We start the game well and encouragingly, we cut a swathe down Ridgewell’s side and Lallana gets to the line but his pull back is too close to Foster who gathers.  Straight up the other end and the Baggies do indeed have three up front and Lukaku manages to get himself completely free of Big Jos as he chases Reid’s ball forward and hammers in a shot which King Artur blocks away well.  Far from heeding the warning signs of how easily Lukaku got through, we allow the Baggies to win the first header from the resulting corner, then allow Lukaku to win the second ball and then allow Fortune to have 3 efforts at putting it in the net.  Twice he’s blocked by Boruc but at the third attempt he forces it goalwards and Foxy clears it from about three feet over the line.  Up goes the lino’s flag straight away, goal given and there’s a surreal couple of seconds before the Baggies fans realise they’ve scored.  Trust us to get a decent linesman, rather than the twat we had at Swansea last week.

It’s chaos whenever the Baggies go forward.  If Lukaku wanted to go Fox hunting then he’d have a job as he’s nowhere to be seen as the Chelsea loanee finds himself clean through again after a superb move and once again, King Artur comes flying out to make another good save.  We do look like we may be able to get back into it though as we finally start doing the things that we’re good at like passing the ball to a red shirt.  One such move results in Morgan hammering in a shot from the edge of the box which a Baggies defender throws himself at to block.  A couple of minutes later and Sir Rickie gets free on the right and picks out J-Rod with a cross but his header is always clearing the bar.

Jos Hooiveld is looking like a Sunday morning park player who has been out on the piss til 3am, has woken up with a mouth like the bottom of a birdcage and the worrying smell of kebab is wafting around… and is playing at 10am the next day.  If you get the wrong side of a player and then grab his arm, you are going to get booked you muppet.  Mitigating circumstances were that he can’t have been expecting Foxy to expertly flick on Reid’s pass straight to Fortune.  Another cross, another free player and we’re lucky to get away with it again as the ball across narrowly evades the incoming Lukaku.

I’m clinging to the cliché that ‘goals change games’.  The general performance from us is woeful and listless and I’m just hoping that we manage to score and change the game before our defence coughs up another goal and it becomes a long and painful afternoon.  Nathaniel Clyne is having a decent game though and he gets himself into the box to meet a Sir Rickie cross to force Foster to tip his blast over the bar.  Next we have Claudio Yacob taking one of the Hooiveld book of defending by pulling back J-Rod and Sir Rickie’s free kick flashes wide.

We are trying to build up a head of steam going forward but West Brom are killing that by defending well and slowing things down, taking an age over goal kicks and throw ins etc.  Has there ever been a more stupid rule introduced that being able to take goal kicks from either side?  The intention was to speed things up so you could take it from the side where the ball ended up.  Of course, what we get is goalkeepers taking an age to walk to the opposite side from which the ball went out and waste time.  Why don’t referees do anything about it?  Why don’t they do anything about the ball going out in West Brom’s half and Ridgewell taking the throw five yards in our half?  How difficult is that to spot?  Why does Richard Madeley, make us re-take a free kick on the half way like three times because we are two yards too far forward.  Yes, we’re all looking at you Richard, it’s all about you, I haven’t paid forty quid to watch some twat with a new whistle though so kindly fuck off.  The final action of the first half is to see Lukaku again get played in and have a free shot at Artur which once again, the keeper saves well.  We could easily be 4 down as Lukaku shouldn’t be giving the keeper any chance at all with the opportunities he’s getting.

Half time and that was pretty dreadful.  In my opinion, we have Clyne, Boruc and Davis playing to anywhere near their potential.  The other 8 have all been poor – Lallana may as well not have been out there, Corky and Morgan likewise as they failed to get a grip in midfield but Maya and Big Jos were the worst of a bad bunch, losing headers against every West Brom forward, even against Long who is not the biggest and generally not clearing the ball.  Up front we’ve been piss poor as well, Sir Rickie looks knackered and J-Rod is back to the form he showed before his recent good run with speculative long range efforts ending up endangering spectators.

Fair play to Pochettino – he’s not hanging around to see if it gets better but I’m not sure I’d have done that as Corky is replaced with Gaston Ramirez and we line up in a 4-4-2 with Steve Davis and Morgan in the centre of midfield.  The only other time this season that that pairing was used in a 4-4-2 was, spookily enough, at West Brom when we were marginally more shit than we have been today so far.  Maybe this is the day though that Gaston rediscovers his form of the Villa and Newcastle home games – the sun is shining and we need him to be on it and the first thing he does is promising as he gets himself some space, takes aim, and hoofs it miles over the bar.  Maybe not then.

Having seen the ref book two players for pulling back others, Foxy checks out the ref’s consistency by doing the same thing and what do you know, another yellow card.  In amongst the general stupidity we come very close to scoring as Davis picks out Clyne on the right who cuts in before hammering in a shot from a narrow angle which (possibly via Fosters glove) hits the bar and ended up on the opposite side.  I feel that if we get one we may actually go on and win this but more shit defending does for us on 65 minutes as Fortune spins Big Jos in painfully simple fashion before playing a ball through to Lukaku who skip round Artur as easily as you like and makes it 2-0.  I coach my sons Under 9 team and at 11am today I’d been telling them about not getting too close to the attacker, or else they will easily roll round you.  Jos was so tight up Fortune’s arse he was nearly out the other side.  Ridiculously poor defending.

We are now in need of some Gaston magic more than ever and he sets off on a run from halfway with Shane Long in close attendance.  He’s clearly being held back which is not going to wash with anyone as an excuse if you elbow him in the face.  There’s the usual finger pointing and handbags and all that.  Richard Madeley has seen it and Gaston takes the long walk.  The only good thing from our point of view is that Fortune has piled in to get involved with something which had nothing to do with him and got red carded as well.  Later replays show him shoving Gaston in the face so fair enough Richard.  The only problem I have with Richard over this incident is that he was trying to play advantage but once Long has held onto him for a couple of seconds then there’s no advantage and he should have blown.  If he had, 2 players wouldn’t have got sent off.  He didn’t book Long for the holding either but I have no problem with the red cards.  They were both twats and deserved all they got.

So, we have 10 players and one of them is Adam Lallana who to put it politely, hasn’t done anything since he called ‘heads’ at the start and decided to kick towards the Northam End.  Off he goes to be replaced with that little African bloke but before he can do anything, Lukaku races Clyne to a long ball to the corner and then beats him and cuts along the line, only to see his cut back to Morrison superbly dealt with by the covering Morgan.    The Baggies have adapted to having 10 men better than us and straight away, a ball up the left results in Yoshida putting in a piss-weak challenge on Lukaku who turns him and plays in Long who fires underneath Artur to make it 3-0 and spark a fire-drill amongst the home sections because after all, supporting your team is just about when you’re winning.  Maya’s effort at defending was as bad as Jos’ effort on the second goal and exactly the same as he did repeatedly against West Ham – trying to dive in, missing the ball and putting us in the shit.

Mayuka, for that’s the little African bloke’s name is trying hard but he doesn’t look like he has a clue – no awareness and no first touch but despite this, a Baggies player sees fit to hoof him over on the edge of the box and give us a free kick which one again, looks decent as it leaves Sir Rickie’s boot but it flies just wide.  We’re into looking for a consolation goal now and a decent move later, a pass goes out to Foxy on the left who is back on his heels and not concentrating.  He then decides to go for it, gets beaten to it by Reid and then pulls out a shit two-footed lunge and the red card was almost out before he landed.  Total and utter shit.

Mauricio does the right thing and settles for a 3-0 defeat as Jose Fonte comes on for Sir Rickie with Big Jos going to left back.  We are treated to one run and surprisingly decent cross from Big Jos but the game can’t end soon enough and thank God it has.  What a complete and utter load of shit and totally outplayed from start to finish by a very good side that made us look completely ordinary.  Champions League… oh my sides.

Talking of Europe, there has been some speculation that we may qualify for the Europa League through the Fair Play table.  Oddly enough, we were behind Liverpool who have a player who bites people, obviously in a ‘fair play’ kind of way but with any luck, we’ll have dropped below a few others after today’s efforts.  It’s a bloody farce though as it’s not just based on red and yellow cards and things that happen on the pitch but on various other subjective stuff.  If your fans sing a song about the ref being a wanker then you’ll get docked a point – stuff like that.  We’re not ready for it anyway and anyone who thinks we are is severely deluded.

There was some truly dreadful stuff out there today and we got found out in my opinion.  Big Jos has been getting away with iffy performances for a few weeks now and today it all came home to roost.  How the hell Jose Fonte isn’t back in the team yet is beyond me and then there’s always the Norwegian man of Mystery, Vegard Forren who as a left footed centre back, may find himself playing at left back next week as Shaw won’t be fit by all accounts and Fox is now gone for the season.  If not Forren then I’d throw Matt Targett in who is only a bit younger than Shaw.  It’s ok, we’re only playing Spurs and they’ve only got Bale and Lennon on the wings.  If it was down to me though, I’d go Clyne – Fonte – Yoshida – Targett across the back 4 next week.  If Targett really isn’t ready then stick Forren there.  Also, it’s time to leave Adam Lallana out again – he’s been a lot worse than Punch was before he got dropped.

In the great relegation picture, this week saw Reading and QPR confirmed as down so two of our ex-managers took the drop, Nigel Adkins and the other fucker who will hopefully have ‘Houdini’ replaced with ‘Relegation’ as his tabloid suffix.  Failing that, maybe it could be ‘Is a Wanker’. Third bottom Wigan were heading for a home win against Spurs until they scored an own goal in the last minute.  Newcastle are the latest team to get a bit twitchy as they were even worse than us today, getting dicked 6-0 at home by a Suarez-less Liverpool.  How much is a Pardew’s remaining 7 years on his contract going to cost to pay up?  Talking of relegation – well it wa a great day for the Baggies fans.  Not only did they get three points on the road but the news came through that Wolves had lost at home and are almost certainly relegated to League 1 now – boing, boing, bloody boing.

So, what brought on our performance today after 6 games unbeaten.  Did we feel that we were safe so psychologically we eased off or were West Brom just too good or had all the players gone to a private party round Artur’s house and tried to keep up with him in the vodka drinking games.  Maybe we believed our own hype that we are a Champions League side in the making.  Whatever the reason was, we played like a Sunday morning pub team that were all hungover.  In order to write this report I tried ‘method-writing’ like proper writers do and went out and got smashed on Saturday night and then tried to write this with a hangover to get inside the characters I was writing about.  Hopefully my efforts are better than the players because their efforts were shite.

3 games left, 4 points needed… ok, two games if we forget the Bale FC one up next.

Premier League Match 34 - Swansea 0 Southampton 0

"I see an infringement, woof!"

Today is the day when the relegation picture should become a little clearer as we visit Wales and the Liberty Stadium.  Swansea have of course had a brilliant season and won a trophy which is more than can be said for Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham and Rafa Benitez.  They do however, as often happens, seem to have knocked off early for summer and have been treading water for a month or so now.  They are of course completely safe which is more than can be said for ourselves at this moment in time and are a decent club, despite my brother-in-law supporting them.  They’ve been to hell and back and are the sort of model that our unwashed friends from down the road will be trying to copy but with a lot more telling everybody that they’re the biggest and the most bestest fans and club in the history of the world – ever. 

Assuming that QPR and Reading are gone, we are looking for one more club to finish below us and Wigan took a step towards that with a 1-0 defeat at Manchester City in the week which looked in doubt for 80-odd minutes until Sasquatch Tevez scored – apparently Guly gave him a lift to the game. 

More good news arrived closer to home on Thursday with the news that I personally have been waiting for, for about 3 months when Artur Boruc signed a new two year deal with the club and now I can stop banging on about it.  He celebrated with a celebratory skinhead haircut and probably drunk 4 bottles of vodka and chewed through 10 packets of fags but no matter, he’s in goal for the next two years and we, in theory, have our best goalkeeper since Antii Niemi.  I don’t like to stick the boot in on Nigel Adkins but the pissing about at the start of the season with Superkelv and Gazza, two goalkeepers who are clearly not up to the Premier League right now, at the start of the season unquestionably cost us points and the fact that as an ex-keeper, he didn’t see the need to get in another keeper is another curious one as it seems that Artur arrived via the Transfer Committee who all meet in Les Reed’s Dungeon once a month.

In other football news, the Skates managed to get their ten point penalty for agreeing a CVA and not honouring it, applied this season when they’ve already been relegated so it’s no punishment at all, similar to the 9 they got deducted in the Premier League when they got relegated by more than that.  So, £150 million (approx) of unfair sporting advantage has been punished by just 10 points of meaningful deductions.  They really are a spawny bunch of bastards with a different set of rules to everyone else.  When this blog started we were League 1 with minus 10 points which had been carried over from the previous season.  It’s a joke but it’s not a surprise that they’ve been treated so leniently.  Enjoy the lowest tier of professional football and no, we’re not jealous.

A couple of weeks ago we played Reading and the media were frothing over the the Adkins v Pochettino aspect of things but today there was the meeting of two managers who had encountered eacheother on several occasions as players and managers in Spain but there was no angle in Laudrup v Pochettino so everyone more or less ignored it.  Mauricio made one change to the starting line-up with Gaston losing out to the fully recovered J-Rod.  Luke Shaw returned to the bench where the little African bloke was preferred to Guly.  Laudrup picked a Swansea line-up which included Pompey nightclub bag thief Nathan Dyer who has turned into a much better player than I ever thought he would when he was at Saints.  Up front they have Michu who despite regularly scoring goals all season wasn’t one of the six players nominated for the Player of the Year Shortlist for Players from Big Clubs.  The Young Player of the Year Shortlist for Players from Big Clubs didn’t include Luke Shaw or Swansea’s Ben Davies who have both been exceptional this season but did include Danny Welbeck, who has played loads of games up front for the Champions-elect and scored one goal.  It’s beyond bollocks it really is and you’d think that PFA members would have more idea.

The referee today is Mark Halsey who is back from being demoted to League 1 for a couple of weeks after failing to send off Wigan Callum McManaman for that horrible challenge against Newcastle.  It’s massively wrong that the FA won’t retrospectively ban the player because they don’t want to undermine referees but they will demote the referee, therefore telling the world that they think the ref got it wrong.  Is that not undermining him?

The opening of the game saw Swansea get the ball and refuse to give it to us which meant we were under the cosh straight away.  We’d only get a touch when a cross eventually came into our box from either Dyer or Hernandez.  On the one occasion they managed to pick out a man, Michu’s shot was blocked by Big Jos before it had gone anywhere.  If the defenders weren’t clearing the crosses then they were being picked off by King Artur with the minimum of fuss and so the tide began to turn.

Roll up, roll up, it’s time for the Jack Cork lottery as he received a Davis pass and took aim.  With the Saints fans behind the goal all wondering who was going to catch the shot which inevitably was about the fly into one of them, Corky went for the element of surprise and hit one on target, causing Vorm to watch it all the way and make a slight meal of it but keep it out safely enough.

Steve Davis is at the centre of everything for Saints and he picks out J-Rod who has retained the confidence from his recent scoring burst but curls and optimistic effort over the bar and into the crowd.  He comes closer five minutes later as Clyne and Davis combine to free J-Rod on the edge of the box who chips it up for himself and skews the volley on the turn into the ground making it comfortable for Vorm.

Swansea have a centre back called Chico Florres who is a very good defender but he also has a silly name and wears his hair in a bun which if I was in charge, would be an offence along with wearing gloves and tights and not be allowed as it’s just plain wrong.  He gets himself in a bit of a mess on the edge of the area as Lallana runs at him and eventually falls over in front of the Saints skipper and Adam falls over him.  The ref gives a free kick in prime Sir Rickie territory and the Big Man’s free kick is heading for the top corner but Vorm has read it and gets across to tip it away.   Good shot, good save.

From the resulting corner swung in Davis, everyone misses it and it ends up with J-Rod on the opposite side.  Though tight against the goal line, he tricks Florres into falling on his arse and crosses it back in.  Lallana has got in front of Vorm and goes for the header but misses it and there appears to be either none or minimal contact with the keeper as Vorm drops it giving Adam a tap in.   The referee has not given a foul but the linesman (who is on the same side as J-Rod crossed it from) has his flag up and it’s disallowed – I assume for the challenge on the keeper which is not surprising but it’s pathetic and I’m also left wondering how the hell the lino could see that from where he was. 

The sense of injustice is further heightened as Sir Rickie competes in the air for a straight ball played up to him and is hauled to the ground by Williams who has an arm over his shoulder.  Hmmmm, seen them given but not today.  Half time and 0-0 and fair enough, they dominated the first 20, we created a few chances in the rest of the half.

Swansea make a change at the start of the second half with ex-Skate Wayne Routledge coming on to replace the ineffective and invisible Luke Moore and he nearly makes an immediate impact as he escapes Foxy on the left and crosses to Michu who probably should have done better than head over the bar.  Nathan Dyer then picks up a Routledge pass but by the time he’s found a handbag, nicked a mobile phone and worked out how to take a picture of his arse, he gets closed down and his final effort is easily saved by the King.

The 60^th minute either sees Gaston being substituted or coming on and there’s a murmer of concern as Sir Rickie is removed with J-Rod going up top and Gaston slotting in on the right.  He announces his arrival by immediately passing the ball straight to a Swansea player.  Also passing straight to a Swansea player is Adam Lallana who gets back to help Foxy defend on the left, gets his foot in to divert it past Big Jos to Michu.  King Artur gives it the big starjump as Michu lays it off to Dyer who has an open goal but the bag thief’s effort is comfortably kicked off the line by Yoshida.

Punch is on for Lallana with 15 minutes to go and Morgan is skipper but we’re going nowhere and it’s all Swansea.  They have two situations which could have been dicey for us when Ki’s shot hits Foxy from about 5 yards away.  His arm is by his side and it’s kind of hip and arm together but thankfully not given.  Then Routledge gets away down the right with Big Jos unable to intercept the through ball and feeds de Guzman who can’t beat the big flying Polish Starjump guy who makes a superb save with his right boot.

It’s almost like it’s “you have a five minute spell, then we will” as the last five minutes are all us.  J-Rod manages to accidentally clatter the referee which is always funny before he’s replaced with the little African bloke whose appearance will make whoever sponsored him for two pounds a week back in the nineties, very proud.  There’s time for one more chance and it was set up by Davis who barged past Ki’s pathetic attempt to let the ball run out on his own goal line and laid it back for the little African bloke who made space before scuffing a shot at the near post that was on its way in until Vorm stuck out a boot to block it before pouncing on the rebound.  Full time.  Is everybody happy?

Similarly to West Ham last week – this was a fair result with neither team really doing enough to win it.  As I’m incredibly biased though, having watched footage of the disallowed goal on Match of the Day – I’m going to bang on about it.  I know we expect there to be a free kick whenever a goalkeeper is even remotely brushed but even so – this one is ridiculous.  Adam is in front of Vorm and hardly invades his personal space.  He gets across the front of him, impedes his line of sight and Vorm drops the ball which hits Adam before he turns and puts it in the net.  They were implying on MOTD that it was disallowed for handball but where was that?  Vorm dropped the ball plain and simple and it should have stood.  How can the linesman give something that he can’t have possibly seen.    He did get his flag up early but even so, it’s a wrong call.  Halsey was going to give it and he was much closer.  My feeling is that he should have at least gone over to the linesman and asked why he put his flag up and if he (Halsey) didn’t agree with the answer, he should have given it.  Rant over.... as an aside it would also have made the second half much more interesting.

As for the managers – well Laudrup bemoaned his teams lack of quality in the final third and he’s right as for all their decent football, they really produced nothing of note except a mobile phone, a handbag, a make-up compact, some morning after pills, an emergency condom and a packet of chewing gum from Nathan Dyer.  Mauricio admitted that we weren’t quite at it today and that he was happy with a point.  That’s 3 wins and 3 draws from the last 6 games with only 3 goals conceded. 

The one negative for me today that was when Sir Rickie went off we did nothing at all until the little African bloke came on with about 3 minutes to go.  It made me realise that we’ve been fortunate that the big man has remained injury and suspension free this season and the same can also be applied to Corky and Morgan in the middle of midfield.  Talking of Corky – there was a bizarre rumour on the Red Top websites (the shit ones) today that he’s out of contract and Fulham were interested.  Two things – he’s not out of contract and why on earth would he join Fulham?

So, another point to take us up to 39 and still in 12^th place – still not safe but very unlikely to go down.  Next up we have the visit of the Baggies which takes us back to The Hawthons which was one of our two low points for the season (the other being West Ham away).  At the Hawthorns we were shite, they were very good and we got hammered 2-0 and in a rare moment of prophecy, I gave the opinion at the time that the Baggies were set up exactly as we should be in a 4-2-3-1 formation.  From the next game we did that and have been on an upward trend ever since.  Time to complete the job next week and get 3 points and they can boing, boing, boing all the way back to the Black Country.

When we were chasing promotion I used to give the games left and the points required so in time honoured tradition. 

4 games to go, 7 points needed (though it’s probably much less than that)

Premier League Match 33 - Southampton 1 West Ham 1

Andy Carroll in training on Friday

Today we have a clash of mid-table obscurity as we entertain West Ham at St Mary’s.  Hmmm, that word “entertain”.  Needless to say that if there’s any entertaining done today, it will be done by the men in red and not the men under the charge of Sam Allardyce who will be here for a point and won’t care how they get it – it really is that predictable.

This week for Saints has seen Adam Lallana sign a new contract to keep him here for another 5 years and promising young defender Jack Stephens signed a contract to keep him here for 4 years.  Pleased though I am with these, I would be more pleased with the Holy Goalie signing on for another two but as I write, this still hasn’t happened.

Elsewhere in football, the Skates Trust managed to get a judge to agree to sell them Fratton Park for not very much more than any other piece of wasteland is worth and so they should have a club next year in League 2, unless the financial details of the deal (which have not been released as yet) are prohibitive to the Trust who have no yet really released details of how much money they have now or going forward.  I assume all is ok as they are going to look pretty fucking stupid with all the celebrating that's been going on.  Assuming the takeover actually happens, they really should have a show on TV like that Dynamo Magician Impossible chap… “I can take your £150 million and make it disappear and you won’t have it and I won’t have to give it back to you”.  I have to say though, fair play to the Trust who have got this far.

Another thing that has happened within the Saints squad is a virus which Luke Shaw probably picked up at school.  Today it has robbed us of the aforementioned Shaw and also of man of the moment J-Rod who has recovered enough to be on the bench.  The rest of the team is as you’d expect with Gaston being preferred to Punch on the right and Danny Fox drafted in at left back to give the moron squad in the stands someone to concentrate on – at least until Guly comes on.  On the bench aside from Guly was that little African bloke who we paid £3.5 million for – I’m sure his name will come to me.  Fat Sam has picked a Jaaskelainen in goal, Andy Carroll up front and 9 other players to scrap for the knock downs and today’s referee is Kevin Nolan.

The referee is actually Mike Dean and every time we play West Ham or Stoke, I’m hoping we get a ref who is strict and a little bit card happy so it’s to my delight that when Joey O’Brien blatantly body-checks Gaston after about 30 seconds, that the ref does nothing.  Add this to the first three air raids launched from the keeper and defence up to Andy Carroll and if you weren’t sure as to what today’s game was going to be like, then you were now.

Gaston Ramirez has started promisingly and plays a deft ball through to Lallana who pulls the trigger at the precise moment that Tomkins slides in and blocks.  Last weeks failing of not getting the ball clear comes back to haunt us as ball into the mixer drops and Clyne fails to give it the welly and is shoved off it by the sizeable arse of Nolan who turns and shoots but King Artur saves comfortably.  We are trying to play decent stuff when we get it and work our way up the pitch only for Morgan to ruin it by diving to try and win a free kick which he gets rightly booked for.  We’ve set up slightly strangely in that Steve Davis is out on the left with Lallana in the middle where all the bodies are, meaning he’s not finding enough space to be effective.

Mike Dean remembers what he’s out there for as Foxy slides into a tackle on Diame, wins the ball and gets booked for his second foul (referee impressively pointing to another area of the pitch where Foxy made another tackle which was barely a foul). So, now we’re 2-0 up on bookings, which is somewhat miraculous as we’re losing about 8-3 on number of fouls committed, not to mention all the ones the referee has ignored. There's a moment of concern as Vaz Te finds himself with a bit of space and the ball, which is something he won’t see often to he smashes in a shot which is still rising as it clears the bar by about a foot. 

We are trying to win the ball high up the pitch as usual which is difficult against a side that bypass midfield.  On the one occasion the Hammers try and pass it, they pass it to Nolan who has the turning circle of the QE2 and Lallana robs him before feeding Clyne who burns past O’Brien before seeing his cross blocked.  It has to be said that the West Ham central defenders are right on it and once again they tidy up as Corky scoops a pass over the midfield to Sir Rickie who tries to return it to the man who never scores who is saved the bother of hitting it over the bar.  Saints are beginning to turn the screw though and Sir Rickie puts Lallana in on goal but he butchers it and sees Tomkins block his shot when he should have really laid it off to Gaston who was completely free and six yards out.

Ex-Skate Gary O’Neil announces his arrival with a clumsy foul on Gaston which the ref blows for.  The ball runs loose to Cork who is then unceremoniously hacked over by Nolan.  Neither foul is deemed worthy of a booking by Mike Dean, even the one that took place after everyone had stopped and the temperature is rising a bit despite the pissing rain.  We nearly make them pay from the free kick as Gaston’s delivery is met by Sir Rickie at the back stick but his prod towards goal is superbly kept out by Jaaskelainen who shovels it onto the post and away.  There were a few token appeals that it had crossed the line but it didn’t look like it from where I was.   Whilst later TV replays proved that it was much closer to being a goal than I initially thought, the lino got that one right.

The ball is inevitably bombed forward to Carroll and he clearly grabs a handful of Yoshida’s shirt and throws him on the ground in a move he got from watching the Judo at the Olympics.  The ref blew for the foul and he carried on and stuck it in the net past the motionless King Artur who just watched it.  Carroll then went and had a massive rant at the referee which would normally have brought an immediate booking but not today with Mike Dean who just ignores it.  I don’t get it – he’s done the judo throw, he knows he’s done the judo throw and still he kicks off about being spotted doing the judo throw.  About 30 seconds later there is another free kick awarded for yet another West Ham foul and Carroll kicks off again and this time does get booked.  Thick.  That is all.

Nolan and Lallana are at it again and it all gets a bit feisty as Nolan manages to get away yellow-free with yet another foul.  Gaston and Sir Rickie try the same free kick routine but this time it’s just overhit.  Gaston is playing well though and he bursts onto a ball only for O’Brien to grab a handful of shirt and only lets go when he is in the box and off balance.  It’s outside the box but it’s a foul and it’s right in front of the linesman who does absolutely fuck all.  There is one last chance before the break as Corky gets forward again and clips a cross onto Sir Rickie’s head but the big man’s looped header just curls away from the angle of post and bar.

Half time and the rain is coming down sideways which is a bit of a pisser if you in the Northam End.  It’s also a pisser for yours truly as I’m off into town to meet a Hammers mate after the game.  The text message exchange at half time consists of “0-0 I reckon” and “I couldn’t watch that shit every week”.  Guess who sent what?  On the pitch the subs are going through their drills.  We appear to have a little African bloke joining in - dunno who he is.

The opening exchanges of the second half see both Clyne and Gaston getting to the line behind O’Brien by Clyne’s cross is behind the forward and Gaston just runs out of pitch.  We then manage to nearly go behind as a Vaz Te cross is deflected upwards and Yoshida throws himself at the header and totally misses it leading to mass panic and Carroll swivelling and scuffing one just wide with everyone motionless.  Artur does not look happy - be afraid, be very afraid.

West Ham signed a winger for about £10 million quid at the start of the season.  Wingers are creative players who rely on others to give them the ball to feet so it’s no surprise when Matt Jarvis who has done absolutely nothing is hauled off and replaced with Jack Collison.  It is a somewhat delicious irony when we take the lead and it’s following a goal kick.  King Artur hoofs it and Tomkins heads it Gaston who goes to shoot but true to form, both Hammers centre backs throw themselves in to block but luckily the ball bounces back to Gaston and he’s through on goal.  Bang, top corner, 1-0 and a brilliant finish.

Immediately West Ham are at us with Vaz Te crossing into the mixer and Corky produces a superb clearing header to stop Carroll having a free header from 6 yards.  Sadly it’s only a temporary respite as the throw finds Diame who cuts infield and it clumsily clogged over by Big Jos.  It’s 20 yards out and just right of centre which is ideal for a left footer and Carroll takes the tapped free kick from O'Neil and mis-hits it into the net via a slight deflection off Davis.  Bollocks.

With 20 to go it’s substitution time and Gaston’s goal has rescued him and so it’s Lallana who is replaced which is fair enough as he’s been completely anonymous in the 2^nd half.  Pray for Gsaton as he’s already played 10 minutes longer than usual and there’s the prospect of more.   J-Rod is on and he’s immediately running at the defence and causing a different kind of problem for them which West Ham deal with, with a cynical block by Pogatetz who has just come on for the injured Tomkins and miraculously, Mike Dean books him.  I remember Pogatetz for being shit for Middlesbrough about 10 years ago and I can’t imagine that he’s improved.  Gaston wafts the free kick miles over everyone and out for a goal kick and then follows that up with two more shite deadball deliveries which sees activity immediately on the subs bench.

Before anyone can come on to replace the half dead Uruguayan, Carroll gets the chance to reach a full gallop as Yoshida yet again misses the header and then Jos compounds it by slipping on his arse.   Carroll looks about to die and he’s not about to try and pass to the one player who has tried to make a run with him so he has a shot which King Artur saves comfortably.

Punch is on for Gaston and we have to remind ourselves that it’s the 80^th minute and not the 60^th as Gastn goes off.  Foxy charges down the wing and Vaz Te produces yet another cynical foul to block him off and Mike Dean has now, about 70 minutes too late, decided to start booking players for cynical fouls.  It’s a decent shooting position but Sir Rickie can’t make it 3 free kick goals in the last 3 home games as his shot hits someone in the wall on the head and deflects away.

Every newly promoted club ends up with squad players who are not good enough for the division they find themselves in.  They get rid of most of them (as we did with Harding, Deano, Billy Sharp) but there are always some who you can’t shift (Guly, Steeeeve) who occasionally get game time against all odds.  Reading have about 16 of these but one such West Ham player is about to join the action and so on comes ex-Skate in chief Matt Taylor to a predictable and deserved barrage of abuse.  The reason Taylor gets stick and Gary O’Neil doesn’t is because O’Neil never gave it the large one at a South Coast Derby like Taylor did.  Thanks for the last minute penalty in 2004 though you Skate bastard.

There is time for one more effort as injury time ticks away as J-Rod runs straight at the retreating defence and hits one which Jaaskelainen parries out.  For a tantalising second it looks like it’s heading to Punch to knock in but it eludes him and he’s offside anyway.

Full time and I think we can safely say that both teams were happy with a point, as were the fans of both sides.  I felt that we answered a few questions today about how we would adapt against a more direct side and the answer was that Davis, Corky and Morgan sat a bit deeper to compete for the knockdowns off of Carroll.  This did leave us a bit short on bodies in the box at the other end when we were attacking at times, not helped by the absence of J-Rod who made a difference when he came on and would have posed the Hammers defence a lot more problems than they faced if he had been fit enough to start.  I thought that in the main Danny Fox had a decent game and Nathaniel Clyne on the other side was outstanding though I’d give man of the match to Steven Davis who just seems to be getting better and better at the moment.  The low point – Gaston’s set piece delivery which was generally shocking and Maya Yoshida seemed to get rattled by Carroll and his decision making went to shit as a result and he kept trying to get in front of him and ended up missing the headers all the time.  Big Jos had a decent game as the physical battle suits him and he seems to think that it wasn’t a foul for the free kick.  I’ve seen a few replays of it and I haven't seen one which contradicts my belief that he didn’t get anything on the ball whatsoever.  Overall - a fair result.

As for West Ham, they defended well with Collins and Tomkins outstanding – what a shitbag that Joey O’Brien is though!  I don’t see what Kevin Nolan brings to the table as a footballer – I remember him being decent at Bolton but he just seems to loaf about now causing flashpoints by being a kind of anti-football-Michael-Brown-Joey Barton-lite and not actually contributing a great deal except kicking people and lumbering about.  I was impressed with Andy Carroll aside from his stupid petulance in the first half – he’s a handful and he’d be a better player if not solely used for competing for balls smashed up to him from 60 yards away.  Get wide and get crosses into him has to be the name of the game but the two wide players, Vaz Te and in particular Jarvis were barely used.

I went for a beer after the game with a West Ham season ticket holder who told me that at home, the Hammers play some decent stuff, pass it and get it out wide but away from home recently it’s “thou shalt not pass” and hoofball.  Assuming that is in fact the case, then you have to admire the travelling Hammers who go to away games and watch a shite style of football every other week.  On the flip side though, assuming they don’t lose their last 6 games you can say that Fat Sam has achieved the objective of any newly promoted side and has stayed up.

So, still in 11^th place after the game and you gotta be happy with that.  Next up we have an away game against Swansea who do appear to have knocked off for the season after winning the COC(k) followed by a home game against the Baggies who are both directly above us in the league and catchable.  I’m still looking downwards though so it was nice to see ‘Arry’s miserable saggy twitching mug on Match of the Day again after another QPR defeat.  Nigel Adkins new side got a 0-0 at home to Liverpool but that really has no bearing on us at all other than making our performance last week, when we pissed all over Reading, look even more impressive.  Third bottom Wigan aren’t playing in the league until Wednesday when they will hopefully use up one of their games in hand with a resounding defeat at Manchester City which is now a dress rehearsal for the FA Cup Final in May.  Result of the weekend though was Sunderland winning 3-0 at Newcastle to arrest the freefall and make Stoke my new favourites to go down with Nigel and ‘Arry.

As for us... bring on the Sheep Shaggers.

Premier League Match 32 - Reading 0 Southampton 2

Nigel Adkins 4 months ago - "You've got a shit squad Brian"

Reading away in meeting which has had every two bob sporting hack in the country trying to come up with an angle to try and stir up some bad feeling.  For example we’ve had “Davis says it was right to sack Adkins” only he didn’t say that at all and we’ve had “I won’t thank Nigel says Poch” which he did actually say but of course it looks much worse in a headline as the rest of the sentence (“because there are many other people at the club to thank as well”) is left out.  Nothing to see here really… Reading have to win and whilst our need is not as great as theirs, three points would be very nice being as we are only 4 points above Villa who are currently occupying the last relegation place.

I’ve been amused at reading the views of some Saints fans who are looking up the league instead of down at this point.  Fulham played QPR on Monday and some actually wanted a QPR win as Fulham are just above us in the league.  Madness… I don’t give a shit about Fulham and we want the three relegation places taken up as soon as possible and anyway, regardless of league positions, when can you ever seriously want a side managed by that twitchy bollocks to win a game?

So, back to now and this weekends’ matches could see us anywhere between one point and seven points clear of the relegation zone and I know what I’d rather.  On the face of it we’re a better side than Reading, higher up the league and in form.  However, since Mauricio has been in charge we have not yet won an away game, nor beaten a side that is basically not a passing side.   There is a box to be ticked here.  Of course there is the Adkins factor – he knows our players and will know how we are going to play.  We will conversely, know all about how he will want Reading to play and Saints hero though he is, we want him to be spinning out clichés in the post match press conference about all pulling in the right direction and responding to the setbacks and controlling controllables and all that shit.

Our team saw one change with Gaston Ramirez returning to the side in place of Punch who was joined on the bench by Adam Lallana who had obviously recovered from his latest injury.  Nigel changed a few for Reading with le Fondre starting instead of Pogrebnyak and ex-Saint Danny Guthrie was in midfield.  I am watching the ESPN coverage which is hosted by Andy Townshend who is backed up by Brian McDermott – until recently the manager of Reading.  I am thinking that this coverage is going to be just a little biased.

It is no surprise to me that Reading fly into the opening exchanges and we manage to get penned into the 25 yards in front of Artur’s goal.  When this happens, safety first should take over and we should be clearing the ball as far away from our goal as possible but instead we stick to principles and try and play out, usually meaning that we lose it straight away.  Our own tactics being turned on us sees us not dealing with it terribly well.

Our first player to stick his head above the parapet is Gaston Ramirez who hits a couple of Row Zedders flying into the crowd and then sends Steve Davis scampering away with a lovely backheel but his cross is cut out by Morrison.  We do seem to be a bit rattled in defence though and a ball up to Guthrie sees the ex-Saint facing the touchline and not causing the slightest danger until Big Jos decides it’s a good idea to steam through the back of him.  Free kick… well there’s a shock.  Guthrie’s cross into the box is missed by everyone except Corky who slams a clearance against Sir Rickie before playing an air shot and the ball finds it’s way to fox-in-the-box le Fondre who is more dead-fox-in-a-box as he lashes an easy chance over the bar from 6 yards. 

There’s another scare a minute later as the ridiculously named Hal Robson-Kanu cuts inside Big Jos who dangles a leg out but quite clearly gets the ball.  Over goes the Reading winger with much arm waving and mouth open and tongue flapping in the wind but nothing is given.  “PENALTY!” goes the incredibly biased co-commentator on ESPN before watching a few replays and even though the evidence is in front of his eyes, he’s still saying it was a foul.  Arsehole.

We are undoubtedly making it tough for ourselves though as another attempt to play out of defence goes wrong with Davis perfectly dissecting Shaw and Hooiveld and playing in Hal Silly-Name whose cross is met with a decent downward header from Mariappa but King Artur plunges to his right to keep it out by the post.

We get our first decent spell of possession around the 30 minute mark and Reading are not closing us down any more.  In that instant I have decided that we are going to win this as Reading are clearly not going to be able to have the same intensity for 95 minutes.  The tide has turned and five minutes later it’s confirmed as J-Rod picks up a ball through from Davis, plays a ball to Sir Rickie who flips it over the last defender and J-Rod is brave whereas Federici is shit scared and he bundles the ball into the net.  It didn’t even occur to me that it may have been a foul but the Reading love-in is declaring that it was and Nigel Adkins is up having a go at the 4^th official.  Piss off everyone – perfectly good goal.  If the keeper hadn’t shat his pants he’d have gathered it and no worries.

Reading have taken falling behind really well and now seem determined to hand the match to us.  Sir Rickie wins the ball high up the pitch and feeds Gaston who brilliantly slides J-Rod through as the Reading defence all stand still.  The shot crashes off the bar and away but the chances keep coming.  This time J-Rod robs Mariappa who is dozing before sprinting around Morrison which takes a while as he’s a bit of a unit.  He tries to slide it past Federici who pulls off a decent stop but the ball falls straight to Gaston who more-or-less has an empty goal to aim at and he more-or-less completely fucks it up and bobbles it wide to join Guly at Stoke and Lallana at Norwich in the Saints miss-of-the-season competition.

So, half time arrives and 1-0 up.  You gotta be happy with that but we really should be further in front.  Adkins has some work to do at half time and surely has to get some more help on so le Fondre is not the only Reading player in our half.  What he does though is bring on Leigertwood for Akpan.  In Saints speak, this is the equivalent of taking off Jermain Wright and bringing on Paul Wotton.  I don’t want to be arrogant but a League 1 trundler coming on does not fill me with fear.

Saints start the second half like they want to finish things off quickly and a lovely volleyed pass from Sir Rickie puts Davis through but his attempted chip (if you can call it that) wouldn’t have lobbed a small child and Federici catches it at knee height.  There’s another near miss as Sir Rickie puts J-Rod away down the left.  He has a race to the ball with the Reading right back Gunter who seems to just allow J-Rod to get to the ball, then he allows him to turn and wait a bit before whipping in a low cross which just evades the lunging Sir Rickie at the back post.  I have no idea what the point of the Reading having a right back was at this juncture.

Reading aren’t putting us any pressure at all but we have reached the hour mark which means that Gaston becomes a liability and starts giving the ball away needlessly.  The flicks start going wrong and then even the five yard passes start missing and then he tries too hard and it ends the same way as it always does and he gets hooked, to be replaced with Adam Lallana.  He had a decent first half again but there is clearly a fitness issue which is going to take the summer to address.

An optimistic Reading shot from miles out deflects for a corner which McAnuff puts into the mixer where Artur comes, drops it and faced with a 50-50 race with le Fondre throws himself at the ball and gets a right kick in the head in exactly the same way that Federici would have done if he wasn’t such a big fucking blouse.  Up the other end we go, a following a spell of superb passing, Yoshida feeds into Lallana who flicks it to J-Rod, who chips first time over the defence to where Lallana has run, tracked by absolutely no one.  One touch, near post, bang, 2-0, game over, staying up, going down, fire drill at the Madejski….

The Reading ‘faithful’ are leaving the end that was distinctly not sold out anyway and I can’t understand why as Chelsea aren’t playing until tomorrow.  They miss one of those bizarre Nigel substitutions that they’ll have to get used to as their best player in Guthrie is removed and they bring on Noel Hunt who is the less ugly, less scruffy brother of Stephen who like Kevin Doyle, left Reading to improve his career and ended up…. nowhere.  It then become the Holy Goalie Show as he nearly carries a le Fondre header into his net but manages to throw it out before he did so.  Cue more bollocks from ESPN as King Artur then gathers a cross one handed before flicking it over a Reading attacker before doing the same again with another one.  It’s like the fucking Harlem Globetrotters in our penalty area but it’s quality.

The game fizzels out with us playing keepball and taking the piss.  The camera pans to the crowd a fixes on a miserable looking bloke in a wig and then I realise that it’s John Madejski.  I wonder if he rubber stamped McDermott’s sacking or if it’s totally the Zingarevich show now?  Meanwhile, Guly comes on for the excellent Davis and gets involved as Sir Rickie puts Clyne away down the right and he gets to the line before pulling it back to Guly who posted his second entry in the Miss of the Season competition by sidefooting over an empty goal from the edge of the box. It’s bollocks but it doesn’t matter.

An interesting insight in Mauricio’s mindset came in the 92^nd minute.  The game was won, J-Rod was knackered, JWP was ready to come on and Reading had a free kick.  As it was obviously going to be tossed into our box like every other dead ball Reading had had. J-Rod, being the better header of the ball was told to get back into the penalty area and defend.  The game was over before JWP managed to get on so I’m sure we’ll have a whip round for his appearance bonus.

Well that was easy wasn’t it?  I didn’t really feel that we got out of second gear but we didn’t have to really as the reality is that Reading are a piss poor side.  They over performed in the Championship last year and won the league through the inspired buy of Jason Roberts (who I don’t think has scored a Premier League goal this season) and an incredible run of wins at the end of the season.  Fair enough but there is no way they can have expected to do well in the Premier League with virtually the same squad.  They made one expensive buy in Pogrebnyak (Russian) who bearing in mind Zingarevich (Russian) had just taken control of the club, looks like a vanity buy based on half a decent season for Fulham last year.  Brian McDermott had no chance and now Nigel Adkins has no chance either.  I’m not saying they should have done a QPR and spent millions but you do at least have to have a bit of a go at it.  From what I saw today they haven’t got a single player who is worth a place in a Premier League starting XI.  Nigel must have been thinking at half time – I’m one nil down and they’re threatening to swamp us, I know, I’ll bring on a midfielder.  Right, who have I got?  I’ve got Leigertwood who can’t run and is League 1 standard and no one else.  Shit – he’ll have to do – together as one, everyone on the bus etc. 

Meanwhile on ESPN, they’re asking January Manager of the Month Brian McDermott what he would have done differently if he was still manager.  A bit of a harsh, kick him while he’s down question I thought and Brian flatly refused to answer it, which was decent of him but if I may be so bold to answer for him, he’d have done nothing that would have made a difference as with the players they have, there is nothing that could make a difference.  If you’ve got Championship players on the pitch and League 1 players on the bench then you have no chance. Nigel will do the business for them in the Championship though and I’m sure he’ll get about 6 players and they’ll have a decent go at it.

Post-match, Adam le Fondre was quoted in the press that he thought J-Rod should have been sent off for the challenge for the goal.  It’s nice to report that even amongst Reading fans, that’s been derided as rubbish.  I’d like to point out that J-Rod didn’t actually touch their keeper whereas later in the game, le Fondre kicked King Artur in the head.  Neither was a foul so lets all be men and get on with it.  His quote did its job though and took attention away from the fact that he missed an absolute solid gold sitter when it was 0-0.  I expect to see both Gaston and Guly coming up with a stupid quote to take the heat off of their poor finishing.

Enough of Reading though, the J-Rod renaissance continues at a pace and that’s 3 goals in 3 games for him and he’s looked a superb player again today.  Also contributing massively today was a bit of an unsung hero in Steven Davis.  After the opening 20 minutes when Reading were on top, Mauricio called over Davis and had a chat and from that moment on, Davis dominated the game and was superb.  Today was yet another example of why we need to sign up Artur Boruc.  Off the top of my head, I can’t think of too many better keepers in the league and we will not get a better one anywhere in the summer – we need to get him tied down and now.  There will be bigger clubs than us with their eye on him – look at the clowns Arsenal have as keepers for example.  The one moan about today is that we fannied about it defence a bit too much.  Jos seemed to have a shaky match but he knows that Jose Fonte is in the wings should his form drop off.

So, we’re up to 37 points and 11^th place.  In Sunday’s games, a defeat for Sunderland at Chelsea and Wigan drawing with QPR with a last minute goal, means we’re 6 points above the relegation zone and a home win next week against West Ham should seal the deal for this year.  Lets prove we can play against aeroplane bothering tactics and get to the magical 40 point barrier.  Wigan are my new pet hate after their spawny point against us, spawny win against Newcastle and spawny point today against 10 men but you can’t begrudge them it when you look at the video of a clearly upset Harry Redknapp talking about their last minute equalizer.  Pure comedy gold.

Triffic!

Premier League Match 31 - Southampton 2 Chelsea 1

Torres tries to protect his missus from John Terry

Two weeks is a long time in football and it seems very very boring when you haven’t had a game.  In the Championship and League 1 we got used to having 3 or 4 matches in two weeks and we’ve had none.  What we have had is two England games which have resulted in a completely pointless 8-0 win against San Marino and a completely dismal 1-1 draw against Montenegro which leaves England in a pretty dodgy position regarding qualifying for the World Cup.  As touched on last week, Roy Hodgson went for his tried and tested players against Montenegro and unsurprisingly to everyone – Carrick, Cleverley, Milner, Johnson and Welbeck were all somewhere between average and a big pile of shit.  My venom and scorn is reserved for the manager though.  Euro 2012 was a free hit but now we’re seeing the conservative, safety-first, old school, old fashioned, reactive, yes man, big club pandering clueless manager that Liverpool fans warned us about.  Montenegro had a spell after half time where they had about 6 good chances and it was only thanks to Joe Hart that we kept them out.  Our midfield was nowhere and he waits until 75 minutes, after we just conceded to bring on a sub.  He then said that there was no obvious change to make – I’m sure that Lampard, Chamberlain, Parker and Defoe were delighted with that statement.  Anyway, today it will sure be nice to support a team where the midfield has a bit of pace and invention and they can get about the park and pressure the opposition and chip in with a goal or two.

I guess the main Saints related news is that Nigel Adkins has got on a different bus and is in a different building and it’s in Reading which is a real shame for a few reasons.  Mainly, that we have to play them in his first home game in charge and lets hope we don’t get a result like we got against Redknapp and QPR a few weeks back – however, the law of Sod says that we’ll get beat in that game.  Despite not thinking very much of them as a club and not thinking much of their support, I hope he does well at Reading as long as it’s not at our expense but I would have thought he could have done better like Alan Pardew did – and I don’t mean with the ladies.    I thought Nigel would end up at Leeds, a much bigger club and the last time I checked, based in Adkins’ neck of the woods oop North.  Still going down though Nigel.

Mauricio Pochettino has recalled Punch and Steven Davis to replace Adam Lallana who is injured yet again and Gaston who has been half way around the world playing for Uruguay in World Cup qualifiers.  Luckily for him, the Uruguay manager doesn’t see ‘plays for Southampton’ as a reason not to pick him, unlike his England counterpart.

There is a question mark over the Chelsea team selection and it’s a fat Spanish question mark in the rather blobby shape of Rafa Benitez.  With an FA Cup quarter final coming up against Manchester United on Monday, the smart money was on the fact that he’d be more focussed on that one due mainly to the fact that as he’s leaving at the end of the year, an FA Cup win would look better on his CV than finishing 4^th in the Premier League.  True to form he made 7 changes from their last league game but the side still boasted about 9 players you could call regulars and one of the others was the player who used to be Fernando Torres.

As we get ready to go, it becomes apparent that Torres is wearing the Mask of Zorro.  If he wasn’t wearing it then there would be a chance that someone might mistake him for a £50million pound striker.  Apparently he has a broken nose and I really fail to see how it’s going to help him if someone smacks a ball in his face or catches him with an elbow.  It wouldn’t be funny if that happened at all – I mean, I wouldn’t laugh and nor would anyone else.

Saints start well and the first cross to the back stick sees Sir Rickie nod down and J-Rod arrive and send it into orbit.  The man from Burnley with the Spanish name is troubling Chelsea a bit more five minutes later as he received a pass from Corky and flicked it immediately over Terry and set off towards goal before sidefooting a backpass to Cech from the edge of the box.  We have another half chance a few minutes later as Clyne and Sir Rickie build down the right, Clyne’s cross is blocked and Sir Rickie smashed the rebound goalwards, only for it to hit Ivanovic and spin behind for a corner.

Chelsea are producing absolutely nothing up front and seem to have no bite in midfield as Yoshida is allowed to pick out Shaw on the left who feeds Sir Rickie (insert ex-fat pieman joke here).  The big man passes to J-Rod who plays a superb 1-2 with Steven Davis before burying it under the Phantom of the Opera to make it 1-0.  Superb goal!

Stung by being behind and in response to the legendary tactical genius that is Rafa Benitez, Chelsea wake up a bit and have the ball in the net from Zorro but the ref has spotted that he’s shovelled the ball past Maya with his hand before clipping it into the net past Artur who has stopped.  The upshot of all this is that a group of Chelsea twats who are behind me in the Kingsland get a bit too vocal and there is a mini-kick off.  I would never advocate violence to sort but the bottom line is, if you go in the wrong end and then give it the large one, it’s only going to end one way and you’re pretty stupid if you don’t realise that.

Luke Shaw is having a bit of a ropey game at left back but he gets in the way of a Moses cross and it flicks off him and over the bar for a corner.  Marin’s flag kick is headed powerfully into the net by Terry who has a free header from 6 yards.  Bollocks.  Later replays confirm that Big Jos slipped over and may or may not have been given a shove by Terry but it’s not a foul and has to go down as an error.

Straight from the kick off we play it back to Maya who sends it long towards Sir Rickie who is barged in the back by Ivanovic to give us a free kick.  John Obi Mikel then probably accused the referee of being racist and the ref has a word with him and his captain, John Terry – just the man you’d want as a character witness.  Meanwhile, back to the free kick and credit the ref for getting the wall back ten yards.  Zorro is in the wall and having a right old moan so I’m of course hoping that the free kick flies straight into the net but as a close second I’m hoping it hits Zorro in the face.  OK, we’ll take the first option as Sir Rickie curls it over the wall and into the corner with Cech floundering.  Fucking brilliant, 2-1.

The rest of the first half passes without too much incident.  There is no Chelsea threat on our goal, Zorro is crap and all is well with the world unless you’re a Chelsea fan sat in the wrong end.  There’s a guy who sits along the row from me who always arrives five minutes late for each half and has said sorry for doing this twice a game for the past 5 seasons, suggesting that his apologies aren’t very sincere.  Anyway, as he leaves for his 25 minute half time break, I was pondering the FA Cup game when he brought his mate who was a Chelsea fan and a complete dick.  Part of me was hoping the same guy was the one getting a slap elsewhere in the ground.

As the teams come out for the second half there is a bit of as issue as King Artur has gone off to be replaced by Superkelv who is playing his first game since he was awarded the two year pension top-up a couple of months back.  Saints start the second half pretty well with Clyne firing a cross at the near post that Cech had to parry away but then a change came over proceedings as Chelsea looked like they actually gave a shit for a while.

Superkelv produced his first save as he kicked away a Lampard shot but the flag was already up anyway.  Zorro was attempting to put himself about and there was definitely something a bit elbow-ish about an aerial challenge he put in on Maya.  Mild-mannered Jos was not terribly impressed by it anyway.  We nearly shoot ourselves in the ass soon afterwards as Morgan brings down Zorro and we’re all complaining about the award as Zorro takes it quickly to Marin who crosses to Moses whose scoopy shot is going in until Superkelv pushes himself up off of his Zimmer and pushes it over the bar.  Good save that man.

Say what you like about John Terry – shagger, racist, thug etc but bloody hell, is he brave.  He slipped when going into tackle Punch so as you do, he tackled him with his head at ground level.  As the ball went loose he slipped and tried the same head tackle on Corky and lost the ball.  Corky then got excited at had a shot so whoever has Row R, Seat 365 in the Milton Road End is the winner of the ‘Jack Cork Can’t Shoot for Shit’ Sweepstake.  Back to JT and he ends up rolling around on the floor with Sir Rickie and with the Chelsea man’s track record, it’s no wonder Sir Rickie gets up pretty bloody quickly.

It’s pretty even once again but Fat Rafa was always going to bring on some big guns and Hazard came on for Marin which we countered by bringing on JWP for Punch.  We now had four central midfielders on J-Rod in midfield and no one seemed too sure who was going to play wide.  In the event we kind of went 4-4-2 with Steve Davis on the left and JWP on the right.  J-Rod was having an excellent match and skinned Ivanovic before seeing his left footed blast parried by Cech.  The rebound came out to Mikel who was dozing and JWP would have got in before Terry stepped across and blocked him off.  Mikel then probably accused JWP of being a racist for creeping up on him like that.

The Terry-JWP incident was never a penalty (despite some shouts from the crowd) but Yoshida running Moses off the ball certainly seemed to have a bit more chance of being given but thankfully the ref wasn’t interested.  Good old fashioned shoulder charge, sort of.  We seem to gone into full fledged ‘hanging on’ mode now.  Ramires is on for Mikel who probably accuses Ramires, Benitez and the 4^th official holding his number up, of being racists.  Zorro, suddenly suspiciously looking like the ex-player formerly known as Fernando Torres, goes on a jinking run past 4 players and tees up Moses who waits so long that the sea of defenders doesn’t part but crashes in on him and we get away with it again.

Rafa then proves that he doesn’t give a shit about being popular when he makes the sort of substitution that is going to achieve nothing positive by removing Oscar (who has been crap to be fair) and bringing on Yossi Benayoun who is a) crap and b) not Demba Ba.  It’s fair to say that the Chelsea fans aren’t impressed.

The momentum shifting substitution does the trick for us and Sir Rickie feeds Morgan who put JWP in on goal on the right but instead of having a shot he tries to pick out Steven Davis and it’s cleared.  Davis was in the news again a minute later as he gifted the ball to Hazard on the right who burst through to the bye line before lashing one across the face of goal, much to the annoyance of Moses and Lamaprd.

Foxy is on for Davis on the left wing as the Northern Irishman is clearly knackered but it’s not all over yet as Morgan trashes Hazard at the other end to give Chelsea a free kick about 25 yards out.  Frank Lampard is a great player but he’s no Sir Rickie and it’s with much relief that his free kick sails over the bar and out for a goal kick.

There are 4 minutes of injury time and the only real incident in that time is a flare up in midfield in which JWP showed that he’s not going to get pushed around as he went head on with Ramires.  Goof stuff, full time, get in there and up, up, up the league we go.

In the post match interview, there are a cursory couple of questions about today’s win before the interviewers get down to what they really want to ask and it’s about next weeks game.  Mauricio’s interpreter gives it the full ‘why the fuck are you asking this dumb question’ face in response to “Will you thank Nigel Adkins for the squad you inherited?”.  I only wish that Mauricio had read the book of Gordon Strachan interview techniques and replied with an answer about an out of date yoghurt which is more important. As it was, he responded with a curt “No”.

I thought we were excellent all over the pitch today with the centre back pairing of Big Jos and Yoshida having magnificent matches, even allowing for the fact they were playing against Zorro.  Honestly, Darius Henderson gave us more problems last season than Zorro did today.  J-Rod and Sir Rickie were a right handful up front and gave Terry and particularly Ivanovic a hard time of it.  I felt we lost our way a little bit at the start of the second half when we had the 4 central midfielders on but we sorted it and restricted Chelsea to one shot on target in the second half.  Looking at the game now, it was comfortable but it sure as hell didn’t feel like it at the time.  Though we’ve gone up a few places in the league (above Newcastle, Sunderland, Norwich and Stoke), there are still only 4 points between us and third bottom Aston Villa so we can’t relax yet – we have to get something from Adkins away next week and then follow it up with 3 points in what should be an interesting clash of styles, our pressing game against West Ham’s hoofball.

So, there will be more calls for Sir Rickie to be called up by England and they will be ignored by Roy Hodgson who will stick with the crap he usually picks.  Mind you, Andy Carroll scored a couple today to take him to 4 for the season so I expect he’ll be straight back in.  Enough of worrying about England though, it’s bad for your health and a waste of time.

Part of the joy of beating one of the big boys is reading and hearing the mainstream media explaining the ‘off day’ that they suffered.  It’s not worth getting annoyed about it but the Chelsea fan blogs are well worth a read.  One was talking about Jack Cork and how he was there for years from 8 years old and never played.  The blogger was saying that even if he was there now he wouldn’t have made his debut yet which may be true but he said that the reason was that he wasn’t good enough.   If you offered me a straight swap, Mikel for Cork, I know where I’d tell you to stick it and I’m sure everyone else of a red and white persuasion would tell you the same.

I'm looking forward to going back to work on Tuesday for an encounter with Chelsea Wanker who is one of the worst kind of big club charlies.  Pre-Abramovic he supported Crystal Palace which tells you all you need to know.  Chelsea fans eh! love 'em.  He has had his photo taken with the Champions League Trophy though.... Bring. It. On!!!