Tommy Forecast Has Left the Building

Our Worst Ever Keeper was signed by our Worst Ever Manager.

No sooner had the players reported back for pre-season then the Liebherr Cup was among us featuring Saints, Arsenal Under 11s, Anderlecht and the Olympic torch.  I’m sure it was lovely but as I mentioned earlier, it was £25 to get in so not for me.  Saints were up first against Anderlecht and got taught a bit of a lesson in possession football as the Belgians took the lead on 15 minutes through de Sutter and then passed it about whilst we chased around.    We nearly pinched an undeserved equalizer when Big Jos thumped a header against the bar but 1-0 it stayed and 3 points to Anderlecht.  All we got out of it was that I didn’t dislike the red kit as much as I thought I would and it may be growing on me.  Arsenal’s kids beat Anderlect 1-0 with a goal from the most senior player Lansbury and so we went into the last game against the Arse, needing a win.  Intriguingly, if we won 1-0 there would be a three way penalty shoot-out and I have no fucking idea how that would work.

For a while it looked a possibility as a J-Rod header from a lovely Fox cross made it 1-0 to Saints was Gervinho got down the left, did Jack Stephens and then did Dismal Forecast through his legs at the near post to make it 1-1.  The white kit is shit and so is Forecast who found a Gervinho a bit more difficult to deal with that a 42 year old Egil Ostenstad and a 18 stone Gordon Watson in his last SMS appearance.  Despite Arsenal having won the tournament, we had to have a penalty shootout to decide this game which Saints won 5-4 with penalties confidently despatched by Foxy, J-Rod, returning hero Seaborne, Chappers and Deano.  Arsenal’s last player missed as he was pissing himself laughing at Forecast trying to act like a goalkeeper and put it wide.  So, Arsenal won the cup and the internet was full of Arsenal jokes about them finally ending their trophy drought.  A more telling ‘so there’ to the soon to be departing Robin Van Persie (leaving because they never win anything) is hard to imagine.

Off to France for a training camp and with Radhi Jaidi now retired, there would be no obvious recipient of the ‘most inactive player’ award as refereed by GPS.  It was interesting that all of Ryan Dickson, Lee Barnard and Johnno Pace were left behind in a clear ‘not in the 25’ statement.  Having said that, I bet all three of them are better in goal than Dismal Forecast who is in the party.  Johnno Pace in particular has proven that he’s an expert at keeping the ball out of the net.

Since the Cortese revolution started, Saints have been pretty good at keeping all transfer deals out of the press until they happen but we’re a Premiership Club now and players have Twitter.  Though his name has been linked for weeks, it was on Twitter that the news broke, straight from the horses mouth that Nathaniel Clyne had signed from Crystal Palace and was on his way to France for the training camp.  One comment I read from a Palace fans (who were universally positive about the player) was that he ended Danny Butterfields’s Palace career and now he was about to end his Saints career too.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Butts ends up moving the other way but for now we have three right backs competing for the shirt.

A nip across the Swiss border saw us play Etoile Carouge in a friendly and dominate the first half with Punch hopelessly hoofing over two goals on top of each other when clean through with just the keeper to beat.  At the other end, Jos Hooiveld showed the value of clinical finishing by getting on the end of the left wing cross and thumping a header past Superkelv to make it 1-0 to the hosts.  Half time saw a new side come out and Luke Shaw, playing on the left wing, cut in after a Calum Chambers pass and curl a right footed shot around the keeper for 1-1.  From then on it was the Billy Sharp show as he guided home a JWP free kick from close range before fastening onto a Chappers through ball and taking his time before clipping a lovely finish over the advancing keeper.  The hat-trick was inevitable as Chambers’ lofted pass again put him though and Billy did what Billy does best and made it 4-1.

The second game of the tour was against Evian who despite not being a team that many people here will have heard of, managed to finished 9th in the top league in France least year, which means that they’re not bad.  Saints mixed and matched the side again but did it with the framework of a 4-3-3 formation and went ahead thanks to a goal from Jason Puncheon who gave his usual ‘hoof into the crowd’ finish a rest and drilled home from the edge of the box.  The first half was interesting for the fact that J-Rod played on the left of the attacking three and James Ward-Prowse again started and figured well.

Making his debut in the second half of the friendly against Evian Thonon-Gaillard was Paolo Gazzaniga who was signed from Gillingham in a transfer of such evil genius that a Bond villain would have been proud.  Not only did we get a highly promising goalkeeper for not very much money but we also managed to convince Gillingham to take Dismal Forecast on loan for the rest of the season which is also the end of his contract with us so the useless wanker is gone.  Let us reflect now that the last swap deal that Shitty Forecast was involved in was as a makeweight in the Gareth Bale deal.  Didn’t we do well out of that one!  I repeat what Spurs said to us about him to any Gillingham fan who may be reading – “He’s a highly promising future England international”.

No… can’t do it…. He’s a wanker and he’s fucking useless.

Anyway, back to the game and Gazza didn’t have much to do but we did create some more decent chances and sitters were missed by Billy Sharp who hit the keeper when clean through and Chappers who when he found himself in front of an empty net, waved his left foot at the ball and wellied it horribly wide.  You don’t get many supporters at these friendlies but those there were laughing at a fucking horrendous miss.  Nathaniel Clyne came on for his debut for the last 20 minutes on the right wing and the game petered out with us holding onto the 1-0 lead quite comfortably.

Meanwhile, we’ve avoided any fucking about with the Steven Davis transfer by coughing up a fee so Rangers are happy, walking in their Scottish Division 3 wonderland.  If that makes up the good guys then we have gone against this by not agreeing a fee with Palace for Nathaniel Clyne and we are “taking the fucking piss” with our offer.  That’s not a direct quote but I put it in quotes because that is what they’re thinking.  I should be a journalist for the Daily Echo….. or the Portsmouth Evening News but they’ve got plenty more than that prospect to be worried about.  August 10^th it is then….

Our Claus, In the Middle of the Pub

Claus - Five Minutes into his interview

But first...

There have been a couple of major stories in the transfer market since the last blog entry with the Alexander Buttner deal hitting the buffers for now as a mysterious ‘third party’ came into play.  Vitesse Arnhem exonerated themselves and Saints against any wrongdoing and we all jumped to conclusions like it was some mysterious agent and like the Tevez saga and all that.  Turns out that it’s his Dad wanting a cut if the media is to believed (which of course it usually isn’t).  “Mr Cortese, please can you pay an extra.....drrrrr (phone goes dead)”

Steven Davis has signed from the Pompey of the North as he exercised his right to quit rather than be transferred to the new version of Rangers, the Derangers.  He’s a central midfield player with 50 odd caps for Northern Ireland and Premier League experience so it’s all good as far as I’m concerned.  The Derangers new Chairman however is not happy and is kicking up stink about Davis and a number of other Rangers players refusal to become Derangers and instead, taking up the opportunity which is open to them, by law, to sort themselves out.  It seems however that he’s arguing against this basic employment law and is doomed to failure so all things being equal, we’ve got a decent new player on our hands after his appeal is heard and he’s told to piss off.

Steve - in Liverpool shirt.

We’ve been recently linked with Wilfried Zaha (he of the toys out of the pram) and Nathaniel Clyne from Palace which seems a fair swap for letting them have Aaron Martin on loan for a season.  If that cames off then that would be right wing and right back sorted.  We also know that we need a goalkeeper and at least one centre back for the squad and talking of Saints centre backs…

The only Saints centre back in the news has been Claus Lundekvam who really needed to engage brain before opening mouth.  The genie is out of that particular bottle now though as he’s accused everyone of spot fixing, betting on the first throw and the like during his time at SFC.   Everyone was apparently at it, both teams etc.  Having I assume, noticed that cricketers have gone to jail over similar accusations, I would expect that he thought long and hard before opening his mouth... or maybe not as this is Claus after all who may have been sat under a bridge drinking out of a bottle wrapped in a paper bag with nothing but a dog on a string and Paul Merson for company.  I’m sure many of us Saints fans remember seeing him in Jumping Jaks totally pissed out of his head either after a Saturday game or on occasions on a Friday before a game.  I’m sure everyone remembers his confessions of a post-retirement drug issue, of financial problems and of his arrest for assault of a business partner.  Francis Benali, a truly respected and trustworthy SFC legend of that period of time, alluded to Claus’ personal problems when questioned about the allegations and said he knew nothing of it which is the same story as Matt le Tissier, David Hirst and Paul Williams have repeated. 

It’s notable that Claus has mentioned no names specifically which makes me think, when considered along with his more wayward tendencies, that this is either a complete load of bollocks or that he’s exaggerated the extent and breadth of it to muddy the waters of his own involvement.  Either way he should have shut the fuck up and I really hope he’s making no money out of these allegations.  It affects the way he’s thought of by fans as well and as a player with over 400 appearances- that’s a real shame.  I’m sure no one at SFC 2012 gives a shit about the allegation except maybe Jason Dodd who of course, was a player at that time.  Pompey fans taking the moral high ground is hilarious though – paid back those charities, schools and local businesses yet have you boys?

So, we’ve got a pissed ex-player making things difficult but down the road they have 8 players (Blue Few) who they have to sell (Blue Fewer) before a takeover by a bloke who has owned it twice can take over again (Blue Murder).  As he only wants it for asset stripping, the fact that they’ve been deducted 10 points for the forthcoming League 1 season won’t bother him in the slightest but the fact that 5 years of restrictions have been put in place regarding how much of the debt he can wipe off and how soon he actually has to pay some money to creditors may well see him run for the hills and leave the club right in the shite as it could be time for the fans who have pledged a grand to the Pompey Supporters Trust to actually cough up.  We await with bated breath.  Basically, they have no choice as the League have grown a pair and pulled out the “play by our rules or fuck off” card.  My criticism of the League is that they should have done this two years ago after the 2010 administration which would have saved creditors, charities and schools etc a lot of money.

Cue “its not fair” and “not our fault” and “a big boy did it and ran away” and a big “WHO THE FUCK IS LAUGHING NOW ?”…

Anyhow, as far as this blog goes it’s kind of cool that I started it three years ago when we were bottom of League 1 with -10 points and Pompey were in the Premier League and now it’s the complete opposite – so it’s all down to me and I take all the credit. 

I thank you.

Liverpool arrive at SMS for Pre-Season

Calm down !!!

In the two months since the end of the season we’ve had Euro 2012 dominating our thinking but it’s over now so what’s been going on at SFC, now a Premier League outfit which still hasn’t sunk in yet.  It will have sunk in with players who are deemed to have nothing to offer at this level though with Radhi Jaidi, David Connolly, Lee Holmes, Bartosz Bialkowski Ryan Doble being the main ones to leave.  Aside from maybe Bart, I’d have got shot of all of these as well and all aside from Connolly have (as I write) found another club with Holmes going to Preston to be injured, Doble going to Shrewsbury and Bart going to Notts County where I’m sure he’ll prove to be an excellent acquisition.  In a badly kept secret, Big Radhi has retired and become our man in East Africa, developing our links over there in the French speaking countries and no doubt, sending some promising players over here.  It appears that French passports are two a penny in that part of the world (research French national team players for evidence) so we shouldn’t have work permit issues with any promising non-international players he finds.

Four of our best young players have found themselves promoted to the first team squad which is good in the respect of showing that we mean business with our academy and excellent in that they don’t count as being one of the 25 squad players allowed in the Premier League as they’re under 21.  Two midfielders in James Ward-Prowse and Calum Chambers along with right back Jack Stephens and left back Luke Shaw who has not yet signed for Arsenal or Chelsea or either Manchester club.

To date there has been just the one incoming transfer with long term target Jay Rodriguez joining for an undisclosed fee which is rumoured to be around the £6 miillion mark but no one knows how it’s staged with appearance bonus and all the other shte that always happens when youngsters get transferred.    It’s odd that J Rod is the only signing so far as it’s in a  position that we are quite well covered in.  Radhi’s retirement and Aaron Martin going on loan for a season to Crystal Palace means that we are two light at centre back where,aside from Jose Fonte and Jos Hooiveld, we have Dan Seaborne who I don’t think is equipped to mark Van Persie and Aguero and all those other half decent strikers in the Prem.  Bart going means that laughably, an injury to Kelvin Davis would currently mean that joke squad member Tommy Forecast would be first choice.

Spending big on J Rod at the start of the summer has of course seen us linked with absolutely everyone including some hilarious ones (Leon Best, Yakubu).  One rumour that won’t go away is Jack Butland, the Birmingham keeper who went to Euro 2012 for the experience and he’s also been named in the Olympic Squad for Team GB.  It’s a decent fit but rumours of a £6 million bid are (I hope) not true as it’s a stupid amount for a kid who has only played a few games in League 2.  Alexander Buttner, a left sided utility player from Vitesse Arnhem has been quoted as saying he wants to come here, implying that a deal is imminent and he said some cool stuff about the club and the area which is always nice to hear.  Leaking that could earn him a Cortese Horses head surprise wake up call though.

The Season ticket prices were announced and truth be told, I as a little bit disappointed that mine went up from £515 to £675, not as disappointed as my old man though who saw a hike from £415 to £695 which was due to their being no concessions for over 65’s in the block where we sit which have now been designated as ‘Premium seats’.   Considering all the folk around me last year were over 65, it’s a pretty cynical decision in my opinion though if I have to listen to the Chuckle Brothers again, it will at least be with the consolation that it’s cost them a fucking fortune.  The final kicker is that I’d like to get my nearly 8 year old son a ticket for this season but another £675 isn’t on the agenda so I either put up with a year of moaning as he doesn’t go or I go through the fannying about process of moving seats, buying another one and ending up no doubt getting a much worse view.   It would be amusing (not) if we moved and found that the Chuckle Brothers had moved as well and were still one row behind us.

The pre-season friendlies were finalised with the Markus Liebherr Trophy being the first one with Arsenal and Rangers being our opponents.  The visit of Rangers prompted some mirth as according to Pompey fans, they are their brothers in debt and a mooted game between the two had never emerged.   Solidarity brothers, against the evil oppressors who want back the money we owe them, how very dare they!!!.... it’s like something straight out of Monty Python.  The cringingly embarrassing PompeyGers movement has been set up on social networks and everything... it’s just extremely sad.  So, instead of playing them, they’re playing us... oh no, wait a minute, they’re not as their financial position is so diabolical that they’ve had to withdraw and been replaced with Anderlecht.  The amusing footnote to this is that some of the PompeyGers morons were going to buy tickets to support their new mates at SMS despite Pompey having a friendly that day.  I hope they did rush out and spend £25 and we give them 2% of 20% as a refund…. that’s 10p.

Bearing in mind the season ticket hike, the Club dropped a bollock in my view by pricing the Markus Liebherr Memorial Cup at £25 for an adult.  I decided not to go at that point and everyone I’ve spoken to has decided the same so I reckon that a 5000 gate maximum awaits the teams, the same as last year in a clear case of past mistakes not being learned from.  Possibly in reaction to the reaction to the prices, the club have issued a kind of pre-season ticket for the Memorial Cup and other home friendlies (Udinese,  Ajax, Wolves) so it’s £47 for the lot.  Personally I’ll be saving my money but it’s good that the club at least tried.
The day before the proper fixtures came out we got the usual ‘In the know’ bollocks from people who assured us all that we were playing away at West Ham on the opening day so it came as no surprise to anyone that we weren’t in East London at all but in Eastlands to play the Champions away in our opening game.  Wigan at home is up after that followed by Man United at home and Arsenal away… fucking hell, what a start.  Five points from that lot and we should be delighted.  The Derby against Portsmouth is on the 12th of Never in another Dimension.  I’ll take the tough fixtures first all day long to be honest and would rather get them out of the way.

Our creative department, Mr N.Adkins and Mr R.Lambert decided that as a Premier League team , we of course needed a Premier League kit and we’ve gone for Liverpool’s.  It’s all red shirts, shorts and socks with white pinstripes on the shirt and reminds me of Ian Rush and Crown Paints sponsorship in the 1980’s when Nigel was an apprentice at Anfield.  The away kit was a white version with red pinstripes and there has been a predictable over-reaction with some of the more frothing-at-the-mouth objectors accusing us of selling our soul, like Cardiff City who have swapped from blue to red as it’s going to make them more money.  I’m really not sure how that’s going to work for them.  Saints are marketing the kits alongside eachother with emphasis on the red and white spread over the two kits and predictably, Tadanari Lee (white kit) has been at the forefront of the advertising campaign alongside Scouse Sir Rickie in the Liverpool one.  Personally, I think it’s a decent idea to try something different as with kits changing every year now, countless variations on red and white stripes would get a bit dull – at least it’s different and after a week, it’s growing on me already.  It’s not fantastic by any means but it really isn’t worth slashing your wrists over.

As I write we have those oh so predictable stories hitting the internet regarding Luke Shaw moving, only this time it’s to Chelsea or The Graveyard of Any Young English Player to give them their full title.  Josh McEachran anyone?  Still it’s different not to see Arsenal’s name in the frame.  £4m will be enough to force Nigel Adkins to sell him apparently and we’ll have no choice as we are little Southampton – don’t think so, wankers.  I’m not sure if this is a good thing for us or not but having escaped from Chelsea reserves, Jack Cork has been selected for the Team GB Olympic squad – a sure sign that all our now Premier League players are much better than they were in April in the Championship.  Expect Danny Fox, Jos Hooiveld, Jose Fonte, Morgan Schneiderlin and maybe even Adam Lallana to be representing their country soon...

Euro 2012 Part 10 - Boring

Boring... Arsene says so...

1st July 2010 - Spain v Italy (Final)

Final time and Italy against Boring Spain.  Apparently, keeping the ball and not letting your opponents have it is boring.  Even Arsene Wenger thinks it’s boring and that they’re keeping the ball for negative purposes and not because it enables them to do anything positive.  OK then.  In my opinion it’s a lazy debate, “they’re playing with 6 midfielders, it must be negative”.  If the full back goes down the wing and there are 4 men in and around the box awaiting the ball in then I don’t think it’s dull really.  Still, Arsene knows... and of course,  his Arsenal sides have never ever been known for keeping the ball endlessly and trying to pass it into the net whilst 60,000 Gooners shout "just fucking hit it".

What I know is that if there was a prize for singing the national anthem then Italy would win it, in fact Gianluigi Buffon would win it on his own.  I have no idea of the words of the Italian anthem but it’s good whatever they are.  Because I’ve only just switched on I’m alarmed to head someone say “we really appreciate you choosing to watch this on ITV…. Back after the break”.  I don’t fucking think so.

Having safely switched over and suffered the fist Lawro "cringe" comment, the game starts.  If I was an Italian I would have been severely worried by the first few minutes as the Spanish got it down and passed it as usual but with real intent.  They all want to shoot tonight and after a couple of blocked efforts, they string together about 20 passes before Alonso and Iniesta combine to allow Xavi to fire just over from the edge of the box.  About 5 minutes later and it’s 1-0 as Iniesta weights a wonderful pass inside the lumbering Chiellini at left back to Fabregas who looks like he’s going to shoot but instead gets to the line and stands up a cross for the incoming David Silva to head into the top corner.  I found myself applauding in front of the TV which looks a bit odd to the various members of my family walking by.  Chiellini has had enough and has limped off to be replaced by Balzaretti.  If I was in the Italian defence, I’d have wanted to go off as well.

Before long it’s 2-0 with another incredible goal as Jordi Alba starts off with it at left back and feeds Xavi before setting off on a 60 yard sprint towards goal.  The return pass from Xavi is perfect and Alba is through on Buffon and finishes like a 30 goal a season striker instead of like a rookie left back.  Half time arrives with it still at 2-0 and there really is no way back for Italy already.  Still, they come out at the start of the second half and have a go.  Prandelli has brought on di Natale for Cassano and after surviving a goalmouth scramble after Fabregas took on the whole Italian defence and nearly scored, the sub has a glorious chance to make it 2-1 as Montolivo picks him out all alone in the box but he fires straight at Casillas before chipping the rebound straight back to the keeper in really shite fashion.

On the hour mark the Italians make their third sub with Thiago Motta coming on for Montolivo and the footballing Gods take the piss and Motta pulls a hamstring after about 5 minutes and has to go off.  Ray Winstone's "all about the in play" markets go apeshit as a team goes down to 10 men.  Good job Italians don;t bet on football isn't it.  So, getting beaten 2-0 against the best passing side in the world and down to 10 men.  Life couldn’t get much worse but then it does as Silva and Fabregas are replaced with Pedro and Torres and Spain continue to dominate possession.  To be fair, the Italians are still trying to play but a return ball to Pirlo is intercepted and Xavi slides Torres in and he beats Buffon with ease to make it 3-0.

You want it to end now as it’s akin to kicking a cripple but there’s one more to come as Busquets puts Torres through again and this time he draws Buffon before squaring for Mata to roll into an empty net for 4-0.  It’s another superb goal but they’re just too good.  The Italians have been an extremely likeable part of this tournament so now I wanted the whistle to go, just to end it.  When the whistle did go, Mario did a nutjob and fought his way down the tunnel past a couple of UEFA officials whilst Spain celebrated.  It was notable that Iker Casillas went and shook hands with every Italian player before joining in – he’s some guy and he’s about to collect his third international trophy in four years.  Mario came back out to go up and receive his losers medal but it was all about Spain – the greatest international side ever?  I’d say so.  They even came up with a new formation and still beat everyone.  Boring ?  Arsene knows...

Spain.... well, there’s Gerard Pique who has the same collection of international medals as Casillas and more club medals as he plays for Barcelona.  On top of that he goes home and has a certain Colombian singer doing that ass-shaking thing around his bedroom.  Tough life he’s got.  There were those that said his career would go nowhere once he left Manchester United which is yet another example of our deluded view of the stature of football in England.... and if he's stayed there he probably wouldn't be in the Spain side or knobbing Shakira.  I'd say his career choice worked out pretty well.  Andres Iniesta was voted player of the tournament and no wonder, the guy is almost impossible to tackle unless you gang up on him.  People talk of Xavi being too old and the fact that he’ll be 34 when the next World Cup comes round – as if that’ll make a difference.  They’ll rest him occasionally and bring in someone infinitely inferior like Fabregas or maybe they’ll play with a striker for a change with either Torres or David Villa coming in.  Oh yeah, they won it without Villa, their record scorer and without their man defender Puyol who was injured.  They simply moved Ramos to centre back to cover that one and let in one goal the entire tournament.  The only way I can see them getting knocked out of a tournament is on penalties after the opposition parks the bus for 120 minutes so get your money on them for Brazil 2014.  As for my mate Torres - well I've taken the piss all tournament but guess what, he won the golden boot for the most goals - it was only 3 but the Mata assist won it for him.  I will say though that 2 of his goals were against Ireland.

Overall it was an excellent tournament with the quality of the football being on the whole, very good which again makes a mockery of the decision by the fat Frenchman to bring in 8 poorer standard countries and increase it to 24 teams in 2016 when it’s hosted.... in France.  Following France hosting the biggest tournament and bringing in the most money, the fat Frenchman has intimated that the 2020 tournament will be held all over Europe in up to 20 cities.  What a joke.  He says it will be great in these times of austerity... hmmm, I guess we will probably still be in the financial shiters in 8 years time but maybe not or maybe, you could hold it in England, Germany, Italy or Spain where you wouldn’t have to spend a penny to have enough big stadiums to host it.  I.D.I.O.T.  So, to recap,  France host a big fat tournament worth loads of cash and it doesn't matter if a lot of the football will be shite as long as the audience tunes in for Lithuania v Slovenia.  After that he doesn't see why any other country should benefit so he spreads it around.  What a wanker.

So, goodbye from Poland and Ukraine which, contradictory to Sol Campbell’s predictions had no race riots or murders.  The only murder was BBC murdering ITV in viewing figures for coverage of the final.  It seems that when punters add it up, despite Shearer being boring, Hansen being a parody of himself and Lawrenson being the worst co-commentator ever, BBC triumphs significantly over the gurning Brummie potato Adrian Chiles.  If you want a light entertainment personality who knows nothing about football, get Graham Norton to host it. Couldn’t be worse.

Gerard Pique is a lucky bastard