NPC Match 46 - Southampton 4 Coventry 0

Now that's What I Call a Pitch Invasion

It has been like waiting for Christmas as a kid.  Four sleeps to go, three sleeps to go... I’m 43 – grow up!!! Two, one, none... Saturday morning.  Surely we can’t allow ourselves to bugger this up now.  It’s 90 minutes of Saints v Coventry City.  Saints who’ve been in the top 2 all season with a very good home record, at home to Coventry, who are already relegated and with the worst away record in the division.  Oh yeah – and we’ve already beaten them away twice this season, once with a half strength team in the FA Cup…. Oooh, it’s on TV and we always lose on TV….  No we don’t and so fucking what.

Fat Sam kept the pot boiling with a 2-1 win at Leicester on Monday night when Leicester put in one of the best examples of a ‘couldn’t give a toss’ performance that I’ve ever seen.  As a result the permutations are these...

1.       Win and we’re up

2.       Lose and we’re up if West Ham don’t win.

3.       Draw and we’re up if West Ham don’t win.

4.       Draw and a West Ham win gets a bit complicated.

a.       West Ham win by 1 or 2 goals – Saints are up on goal difference

b.      West Ham win by 4 goals – West Ham are up on goal difference

c.       West Ham win by 3 goals – very complicated....

                                                               i.      West Ham win by 3 scoring 1 goal more than Saints get against Coventry  - Saints up on goals scored

                                                             ii.      West Ham win by 3 scoring 2 goals more than Saints get against Coventry  - Saints up on better head to head record

                                                            iii.      West Ham win by 3 scoring 3 goals more than Saints get against Coventry – West Ham up on goals scored

But bloody hell, we aren’t going to draw or lose – we’re going to win and make all the goal difference and goals scored and head to head comparisons irrelevant.

One interesting and quite frankly amusing spectacle this week has been Fat Sam mind games.  All he’s done is talk about Coventry and all the usual bollocks about the pressure being off them and playing with freedom and all that.  I’ve not seen him mention that West Ham have to win their game at home to Hull who also have nothing to play for but when all is said and done, are a much better side than Coventry.  Compare and contrast to Nigel who hasn’t mentioned West Ham – just put out the message that we are going to win our game.

The interviews coming out of the Saints camp have extolled the virtues of patience and not getting nervous.  What they are saying is “don’t start bitching if things don’t go immediately to plan”.  I am fully expecting, in fact I would put money on, me turning around and telling one or both of the Chuckle Brothers to shut the fuck up at some point before 1pm.  Nigel Adkins ensured that everyone was amused by stressing the need for calm heads but he did this by using the phrase “at the right level of arousal”.  I think the last manager who said anything like that was Avram Grant at Horton Heath or maybe David Pleat when he was kerb-crawling.

We have an injury concern in that Chappers is out with the hamstring pull he got up at Middlesbrough so there’s a gap at right midfield which I anticipate will be filled by Guly.  Nigel stressed that everyone else was fit bar Connolly and Tadanari Lee so we should go into the game in fairly good nick.  Coventry will have a load of kids in the team as unlike that financially embarrassed League 1 lot from down the road, they’ve not been afraid to blood their own youngsters as opposed to borrowing other peoples.  The rumoured record 32,300 crowd will either inspire them or hopefully, sink them.  Coventry manager and hard looking bastard Andy Thorn has promised us a scrap as of course he would.  It would be refreshing for a manager to come out and say “we’re down and the players want to go on holiday and we don’t give a shit about this game and we’d rather be anywhere else”.

To the teams and Guly is indeed, in on the right and Morgan is recalled with the bench finally being balanced with only one defender (Harding), along with Bart, Cork, de Ridder and Punch.  Guly was back to sporting his Mr T Mohawk hairstyle which makes him look hard.  Coventry had ex-Saint Martin Cranie in their side who was a victim of the Whisky George random selection policy when if rumour is to be believed, Whisky George was so pissed that he forgot who Cranie was.  The rest of the side appeared to be youth team graduates aged between 17 and 21, one of who was Gael Bigirimana who was voted Apprentice of the Season at the recent Football League awards and on his head he has one of those bristle brushes that you use to clean mud off your boots.

We kick off and the ball is played back to Foxy who bangs it forward for all the Coventry defenders to miss.  Billy Sharp hooks it into the box and Guly puts it over the bar with the aid of a deflection.  Should have been a corner really but we’ve had our first shot after about 6 seconds. Coventry settle down though and are playing well, especially Baker on the right wing who collects a big bang forward from the keeper after Big Jos misjudged the header and won a corner.  The corner travels right across and back again before being worked back to McSheffrey whose left foot snap shot is clawed away by Superkelv as 32,000 people momentarily shit themselves.

Baker is at the heart of another chance as he picks up the ball with distinct absence of Danny Fox and half to pitch to himself but instead of trying to pick out one of the three Cov forwards in the box, he chose to lash a shot into the crowd in embarrassingly inept fashion.

Having held off an attacker and picking up the ball, José suddenly went all Beckenbauer and set off up the pitch, slaloming past two players before reaching the edge of the box and playing it to Guly who got his head up and chipped it to Lallana on the edge of the box who lashed the volley past the keeper for 1-0 though Billy Sharp wheeled away implying that he’d got a touch.  Sure enough, TV replays proved that the initial shot was going to be saved but the deflection applied by Billy has left the keeper with no chance.  Get in!!!  The Stadium announcer gives the goal to Adam while Billy stands there pointing to himself.

As we built up down the right, Deano was slides in to retain possession and gets a kick in the back for his troubles and the move ended with Butters winning a corner on the right. Foxy went over to whip it in and José lost his marker and dived in to head it down, past the keeper and over the defender on the line for 2-0 to spark some big time José celebrations which were mainly about not being left with Jack Cork on zero goals for the season.

There is a mighty burst of “Sha la la, who the fuck is laughing now” before Baker reminds us that there’s still a game going on by forcing Superkelv into a decent low save.  Deano is not moving freely following the earlier kick in the back and so is replaced with Jack Cork before Billy gets put through by Morgan but takes too long to pull the trigger and is robbed at the death.

At half time we got the increasingly irrelevant news that Fat Sam has masterminded a 1-0 lead against Hull and following the relay race around the pitch, came the announcement from annoying bald guy that we should stay in our seats after the match.  As if.  A steward told me last year that they have to announce it, even though everyone knows it isn’t going to happen.

There is one potential issue to overcome and that’s the first ten minutes of the second half and its a bit of a worry that we have gone to the diamond midfield with Cork and Lallana right and left, Guly at the point in his best position and the imperious Morgan at the base who is having a brilliant match.   Any worries are misplaced as it’s pretty much plain sailing and we have the first chance as Guly feeds Corky on the right who delivers a great cross back to Guly who heads it over the bar and shows his annoyance by kicking the post.

A few minutes later and Billy tees up Sir Rickie who blasts a bullet of a shot just over the angle of post and bar.  The compliment is then returned as Sir Rickie’s clever ball puts Billy away against two defenders – the first one touches the ball and the second one hooks Billy over.  A clear penalty but not today and it’s the start of a duff couple of minutes for Billy with the ref as he gets clattered by a late tackle which the referee ignores.

As the hour mark approaches, we have another corner on the right and once more, Foxy comes over and whips it in.  Despite it being a bit low, no Coventry defender takes command and it falls to Billy who controls, spins and hits it.  It’s on target but blocked and comes out to Big Jos who hooks it into the net on for his 8^th goal of the season to make it 3-0 before milking the applause in a manner not seen since Papa Waigo at Wembley in the JPT final.  We are surely nearly there now – my Dad is bouncing up and down singing “we are going up” but I still can’t bring myself to join in yet.  This is what Southampton FC has made me over the years…. This is Dreamland though.

Dreamland then gets that little bit better as Butters gives the ball away, Guly wins it back and plays it to Corky who executes the ‘cross to Sir Rickie at the back stick’ ball to perfection.  The big man beats the defender and heads across to where Lallana has stolen in to hook it high into the net from a yard out.  4-0 and it’s time to start counting chickens, even for me…”we are going up”.

The next half an hour is pretty tame to be honest with nothing much going on.  Saints were content to play olé football in the middle of the park and Coventry were happy not to let in any more goals.  The Northam came up with a genius chant which spread round the whole ground of “We are Southampton – we’re shit on TV”.  Superkelv was forced into a ‘one for the cameras’ parry from the persistent Baker and Sir Rickie had a decent chance for a goal as he played a good 1-2 with Corky before sidefooting his effort to the keeper instead of trying to knock his head off like he should have done.  Billy Sharp is subbed for Steeeeeve with the vicious rumour being that Nigel was worried about Billy being too slow to get off the pitch before the pitch invasion.

Announcer:  “Ladies and Gentlemen, can I please remind you to stay in the seating area…”. 
Crowd: “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….on the pitch, on the pitch, on the pitch….” Etc.

Punch came on so Adam Lallana could get the standing ovation treatment and joined in the carnival atmosphere by passing the ball about.  For a second, we were like Barcelona with 50 passes without going anywhere.  Steeeeve broke down the right, got his head up to pick out a pass, delayed …. and then passed it straight to a Coventry player with none of ours anywhere.

People were gathering at the entrances so they could ignore the instructions to stay in the seated areas and the game was nearly done, the season was nearly done and we were 4-0 up.  Butters gave the ball away and from behind me came a ‘why-deeeee-do-dahhhht…-eee-always-does-dahhhhht –what-zeeeee-playin-ahhhhht’ moan from the Chuckle Brothers.  I politely pointed out that we were 4-0 up, 2 minutes from getting promoted and it really wouldn’t matter if he belted it 40 yards past our own keeper.  Actually, I wasn’t polite at all…”Stop fucking moaning for fucks sake, we’re 4-fucking-0 up and we’re going up”, was the gist of it.  Not proud of it but hopefully he’ll remember that when he’s renewing his season ticket and sit somewhere else - maybe he’ll sit near one of you dear readers…

The ref wasn’t hanging about and with injury time barely started, the final whistle blew and the stampede started.  Players disappeared to be hoisted up onto shoulders or passed along by a sea of hands.  Kids were on Dad’s shoulders and one of them smacked me on the head with a flag.  My dad didn’t fancy putting me on his shoulders and so we manoeuvred ourselves to where we could see the directors box to where the players eventually emerged to take the accolades.  I can’t do it justice on here – no chance, so I’m not going to try.  A quick mention though to whoever selected ‘Amarillo’ as the first song to blast through the PA at the end – nice one.  Who the Fuck is laughing now?

Well, where do we start?  The match itself was a bit of a procession once the first goal went in.  Until then Coventry had a few moments but nothing really serious but once we went in front it was men against boys and a case of how many did we want to get.  I remember Alex Ferguson saying once (after they dcked our very young side 3-0 in an FA Cup match) that you don’t want to humiliate young opposition and I think there was a case of that today as we went through the motions for the last half an hour.  Talking of that FA Cup match – that was when that total idiot Jan Poortvliet was in charge and no one in Southampton had heard of Markus Liebherr and Nicola Cortese.  For me, the standout individual performers today were Morgan Schneiderlin who was a class apart and the much maligned Guly do Prado who played with his head up today and barely wasted a pass.  Jose Fonte also had a very good game and was allowed to show what a good footballer he is, especially with the run for the first goal.

Coventry have the basis of a decent side if they can inject some experience into it but they have a fight on their hands to get rid of the cancer that is SISU before the club can move forward.  I was impressed by the number of their fans who showed up today considering they were already relegated and even more impressed by those who stayed past the end to watch the stampede onto the pitch.  I hope they get new owners and do well next season – maybe Mr Cortese knows someone.  Their fans were hoping that we’d join in with their ‘SISU out’ chants.  I think that normally we would have done but it was the wrong day for it I’m afraid.

Fat Sam managed to win 2-1 against Hull and sensibly took some key players off when it became obvious that we were going to win.  He’s in the playoffs with Birmingham, Blackpool and Cardiff and should be favourites.  If I had to put some money on though, it would go on Blackpool.  If West Ham don’t make it, then I look forward to Fat Sam’s reaction and to hear how it’s reported on Moose Radio, not to mention the rise in the price of dildos which will inevitably follow, should the Porn Barons need to supplement their parachute payments to fund the highest wage bill in the Championship for another year.  Whilst we’re having a laugh at other teams, Gus Poyet….Keep up and goodbye!!! … and I’m looking forward to going to Twitter and seeing how many Pompey fans are still saying “we fucked the Scummers season up”, which they’ve been doing since their winner, sorry… equalizer in the game at SMS.  Yes lads and lasses, it’s been a horrendous year for us while yours has been brilliant.  We’ll spend the summer planning to play Arsenal and Man United and you’ll spent it wondering if your club is going to survive and if it does, supporting your team of 18 year olds as you play Crawley.  Best Fans in the world ™… enjoy the pictures of the pitch invasion in your papers on Sunday and Monday.

When I eventually got home I thought I’d sit down and watch the whole match again but couldn’t because my Sky+ box had 0% space remaining and the recording had failed.  What I did have though was 75 unwatched episodes of Homes Under the Fucking Hammer and 20 unwatched episodes of some Disney Channel rubbish.  Not impressed but it didn’t really matter.  Managed to see it later with the highlight of the coverage being Deano saying ‘fucking brilliant’ live on TV at what would have been about 2.30 in the afternoon in front of an audience of millions.  Excellent.  Gabby Logan also deserves much credit for her sign off of "Saints doing fine on the Adkins diet but for Big Sam, the wait (weight) goes on".

There have been a number of Nigel Adkins interviews ranging from the emotional one straight after the whistle when he didn’t really want to talk, to the slightly surreal one when he was emotionally discussing eventually leaving the club which I took as being a philosophical appraisal of a football manager’s lot in life.  Death and taxes are inevitable for the rest of us but for a football manager it’s death, taxes and getting the sack unless you are Harry Redknapp and then it’s death, offshore accounts and court cases as your three certainties in life.  As for Nigel - he’ll be with us for a long time yet, of that I have no doubt.  These interviews were with a guy who has had a guard up for a whole year and were given at the precise moment that the enormous achievement made the guard slip for a second.

The players’ celebrations in the dressing room were captured and posted on the excellent and well worth the money, Saints Player with the highlights being Radhi Jaidi’s Michael Jackson impression and Tadanari Lee hopping round in a surgical boot.  Unbelievably Lee Barnard had been given a bottle to carry round and Tommy ‘the legend’ Forecast could be seen partying in large fashion.  Fair play to them all and they all deserve it.  We are going up. We are Premier League.  Thank you Southampton FC and to quote the skipper…

It’s been fucking brilliant.

NPC Match 45 - Middlesbrough 2 Southampton 1

Boro pose for their Pre-Match Photo

A trip to Middlesbrough and now we can actually taste it.... not the Premier League but the pure air quality of the smog.  Hang on, we can actually say it now... win this and we’re in the Premier League.  Not wishing to entertain negative thoughts but today is a free hit.  Even if we don’t win then we have another go next Saturday with Coventry at home but I and I suspect everyone else, wants this done today so we can all have a party next week. I would certainly like it done on Saturday so I can concentrate on other areas of my life that I have been neglecting for the past few months.

Middlesbrough have had an average kind of season when compared with their expectations at the start of the season and currently sit 4 points off the playoffs with 2 games left.  By the time our game kicks off (yes, we’re on TV again) then they may well know that they have nothing to play for as opposed to next to nothing.  Whatever the other results today then this will be a difficult game against a side who will try to play football as that is Tony Mowbray’s way.  Mowbray is a manager who falls squarely in the ‘decent bloke’ category of manager and not in the Fat Sam-Warnock-Poyet category.  I expect that Boro were expecting to do better and indeed at Christmas they were briefly in second place but poor home form and recently, poor form everywhere has almost certainly done for them as far as going up this year is concerned.

It has surprised me this week that the Saints players have obviously been talking about the alleged TV curse in that there is a generally held opinion that Saints + TV = Shite and if our results in televised games were replicated over a season, I expect we’d be in League 2.   No negative thoughts here as Nigel would say... the fact that it’s on TV is completely irrelevant.  Other Saints news this week is that Lee Barnard has finally been cleared of any wrongdoing in the infamous White House incident of 18 months ago.  The court case had a longer lifespan that the pub which has now closed down and maybe Barney will wrestle one of the three substitute berths off of the defenders.

The 3pm games that were interesting saw Reading have Jason Roberts sent off and eventually draw 2-2 at home to Crystal Palace which tantalisingly opened up the possibility of winning the league again.  Personally, I can’t believe that Reading didn’t somehow score a winning goal as that’s the way they roll.  The way the Skates roll is to follow a decent performance with a pathetic one and they lost 2-1 at home to a Derby team with nothing to play for which relegated them, regardless of the fact that Bristol City got the result they needed to condemn the fish fiddlers anyway.  Cue moaning about the 10 points, the Fit and Proper Test and blah blah fucking blah.  Bye……

More relevant was that fact that Blackpool and Birmingham both won to confirm their playoff places but Cardiff only drew which means that Middlesbrough still had a shout of taking the last playoff place despite a run of one win in their last 10 which is quite frankly, shit.

So, sat in the pub and the team is announced and it’s the same as last week but the bench has thankfully changed.  On the face of it, it’s better as Bart is on there along with the returning Morgan and Guly.  There are still two defenders with Martin and Harding – surely de Ridder, Puncheon, Falque or Barnard would have been a better bet.  Hang on, so in fact it’s even more defensive than the last game with de Ridder being replaced with a defensive midfielder and Richardson with a keeper.

Middlesbrough’s side looks decent on paper with two forwards with Saints connections in ex-Saints-trainee-Billy-Big-Bollocks-good-in-Scotland-but-shit-everywhere-else Scott McDonald and the player who caused a Daily Echo meltdown earlier in the season, Southampton born Lukas Jutkiewicz.  Also they have a couple of decent midfielders in Barry Robson and Nicky Bailey.

The cameras pan around the fans and there are many Saints fans in celebration mode, wigs and hats and the like.  There’s a part of me saying “ok it’s the last away game of the season so fair enough” and there’s another part saying “you look like a prick and let’s win the fucking game first”.  Away we go and immediately we have a throw on right wing where Chappers feeds it back to Jose who swings the cross over in time honoured fashion.  Two Boro defenders run into eachother and it drops to Lallana who heads it through to Sir Rickie.  He looks like his first touch has taken it too far but he squares it and Billy Sharp does what he does.  46 seconds and 1-0, get the fuck in there and we all go nuts.  Billy runs straight to the camera pointing to his ‘LV’ tattoo.  I happen to know due to a Soccer AM interview with Billy and James Beattie, that this stands for ‘Las Vegas’ which I’m guessing is on the agenda for the players if we get promoted.  Before Billy got fitter it could have stood for ‘Luncheon Voucher’.

Boro tear back into us and in no way are going to lie down.  Firstly, Bailey fires one over the bar before Haroun gets played in behind Fox and feeds in a decent low cross which Jose expertly deals with.  It’s mainly Boro for the next 20 minutes really but without any shots on target as Robson fires narrowly over twice.

Then a curious incident as we play the ball up the left and Sir Rickie is away and the ball is rolling along the line.  It doesn’t go out and he cuts in and smashes it past Steele.  In fairness, Steele has seen that the lino is flagging and hasn’t tried to save it but it definitely has not gone out so it’s abysmal officiating.  How difficult is it to look along a line and stick your flag up if the whole of the ball is over the whole of the line?

Saints need to get hold of the ball and pass it about which they then do and there is a lovely passage of play where we keep it for about 40 passes and it’s unfortunate that the player ultimately on the end of it was Chappers who was off balance as he lashed a left footed effort over the bar.  Chappers is nearly in again a few minutes later but is denied by a desperate tackle which sees us win one of an ever increasing number of corners.

Boro are being overrun and resort to hacking players down to get a foothold which results in a booking for Bailey for cynically hacking down Lallana as he sped away from him in midfield.  We come close from the resulting free kick as Foxy curls it left footed, just over the angle of post and bar.  As an aside, Bailey has the kind of face you would never tire of punching.

As half time approached we were comfortable enough without really dominating but out of nowhere Boro equalized when a hopeful lob into the box was headed away by Big Jos but Bailey met it on the volley and a deflection off of Chappers took it past Superkelv and right into the corner.  He’s hit it well enough to be fair but the deflection turns it into a goal.  So, 1-1 from Boro’s first shot on target.  Having seen it again, Jos’s header wasn’t good enough and should have been headed out to the wing, rather than the middle.

We’re rattled by the goal and immediately, Robson plays in Jutkiewicz who finishes well as the Daily Echo wanks itself into a frenzy but he’s flagged offside when basically, he wasn’t or at least, it didn’t look like it to me.

Half time is a time for refilling your glasses, emptying your bladder and wondering if the pundits on Sky have been watching the same game as I have.  Boro have scored and had one disallowed in the last minute so naturally, they’ve been the better side all game which of course they have, if you have the memory span of a goldfish.  No matter though as whatever has been said by Nigel at half time has clearly worked and we are on fire at the start of the second half and Boro are still taking advantage of the ridiculously lenient referee by fouling at every opportunity.  We’re getting free kicks though and Sir Rickie flashes a 30 yarder just wide of the post.

Another passage of passing play sees us over on the left and sees Corky, Deano and Adam playing triangles.  Corky plays the ball, I went for a round of drinks, got served, counted my change, handed the beers out and then Hines arrived and wellied Corky up in the air.  I have seen many referees send a player off for a tackle like this on it’s own but we got the predictable yellow card brandished.

We’re nearly back in front on 52 minutes as the dominance continues and Sir Rickie tees up Sharp on the edge of the box but his blast just fades away over the bar.  Then, three minutes later came the talking point of all talking points.  Boro are playing a high defensive line, I assume because we haven’t got much pace up top but Lallana provides a burst and gets through and in behind, running at goal.  He gets to the edge of the box and Hines trashes him from behind.  The ref gives the foul and all the Boro players surround the ref cos they know Hines is going off.  There is a slight question mark on a straight red because the left back is coming across but he’s not there yet.  Either way it shouldn’t matter as it’s a definite yellow card at least.   But it does.  Inexplicably, the wanker in the black doesn’t card him.  Absolutely fucking unreal.  So, we go from having a clear goalscoring opportunity to having a free kick with 11 players in front of it, not to mention the 35 minutes we would have had against 10 men.  To further add to the sense on injustice, Sir Rickie smashes the free kick wide.

The next 20 minutes are relatively quiet.  The incident and the non-sending off has quietened us down a bit and disrupted our flow and then comes a flurry of substitutions.  I remember that Scott McDonald was playing as he trudges off and Robson also goes.  For us, Chappers has picked up a hamstring injury whilst trying to reach a ball before it ran out and is replaced by Guly.  The camera pans to Andy Crosby giving instructions to the incoming sub.  Hopefully it as something like “it’s actually really warm out there and it’s still 2011, when you were decent, before your form went to shit”.

Fifteen minutes to go and a ball is floated in Jutkiewicz who shoves Fonte who responds by briefly grabbing his arm before letting go which was pointless as the ball was going over them both and through to Butters.  Free kick to Boro 25 yards out and a booking for Jose, proving that holding someones arm for a second warrants the same punishment as hoofing someone up in the air with the latest of late tackles and then bringing someone down from behind when they are clean through on goal.  Once the ref has missed the initial shove by Jutkiewicz, fair enough Fonte has pulled him and so it is a free kick.  As in the first incident, to add insult to injury, Zemmama clips a lovely shot over the wall and in for 2-1.  To be fair, it a lovely strike and the only way we could have prevented it was to have a player on the line.  Superkelv was covering the other side so once Zemmama got it up and down it was always going in.

We look shellshocked top be honest though Guly does manage a rasping drive from 25 yards which Steele tips over the bar which of course, is a goal kick.  A quick look at what remains on the bench sees a defensive midfielder and two defenders and so Morgan comes on for Butters, thus replacing our best crosser of the ball from the right wing and we predictably do sod all for the rest of the game which Boro manage to play out in relative comfort.

As the game ends and we get a shot of Hines celebrating on the pitch that he should have vacated 35 minutes earlier, we then get another shot of some middle-aged prick in a clown outfit, crying – I know you’re a fellow Saints fan mate but how embarrassing is that, not least because it’s still in our own hands no matter what happens.

I thought that tactically we got it a bit wrong today.  Boro set up with a midfield diamond and maybe we should have done the same as we had the players on the pitch to do this.  Adam Lallana said in his post match interview that Bailey was giving us problem from the base of the diamond so maybe we should have pushed a man onto him.  Having said that though, we did create chances for all but for the last half hour when we were poor.  Again I repeat my moan about the bench as we had one attacking player on there and we had to use him in midfield when Chappers went off.  I can’t help but feel that Steeeeeve would have been useful today with Boro playing such a high defensive line.

Like the Skates game and the Reading game, it seem that every on-target shot has ended up in our net.  I’d say a draw would have been a fair result today with 11v 11 but it shouldn’t have been 11v11 and I hope the ref gets called to account for what was basically a huge case of bottling it.  Having said that, we could have controlled the game a bit better than we did and I felt our problems were really amplified when Chappers went off.  In hindsight (again) maybe we’d have been better bringing on Morgan and moving Corky to the right, rather than using Guly and could have kept him back for later.

As Nigel correctly pointed out though, it’s all in our hands still and a win against already relegated Coventry at home next Saturday, will put us into the Premier League.  He also mentioned the ref and the turning point and fair enough.  Hines would have been sent off for both his offences by some referees but only got one yellow today, complete madness.  Another point is that they had one free kick and scored whereas we had about 5 and missed them all with none being on target.  We get given a lot of free kicks around the box and maybe we need to be a bit more clinical with them.  Whisper it quietly but I don’t think Sir Rickie has scored from one this season.

Moving on….Fat Sam has a game on Monday away at Leicester who have nothing to play for but will still provide stern opposition.  Leicester avoiding defeat will also put us up and if they do, Nigel Pearson will write another chapter in his SFC history.  If he fails then we’re in for a nerve shredding afternoon next Saturday.  As for the people who say we'd rather clinch it ourselves.... words fail me.

I can see it now…. Leicester 1 West Ham 2, 93rd minute, penalty to Leicester, David Ex-Skate total wanker Nugent to take it…


1 game left, 3 points needed, maybe 1 or maybe none.

C'mon Leicester.....

PS - Reading have won the Championship, well done.  Right now I don't care.

NPC Match 44 - Peterborough 1 Southampton 3

Moose with his fans

Following a weekend of results which could only be described as horrific (aside from Spurs and ‘Arry getting dicked), the mighty SFC were away at Peterborough in one of those fixture that you want at this stage of the season if you are chasing something.  They aren’t going down and they’re in poor form so it’s as good as it gets from that point of view.  On the other side of the coin is the fact that they are a decent attacking side who never seem to know when they are beaten, especially at home and we all remember the 4-4 draw there last year.  A lot of that was down to Craig Mackail-Smith who then made the curious decision to further his career at Brighton.

A sub-plot to today was of course the meeting of Posh manager Fergie-Lite and Bald Psycho (as long as he was in the team).  Since Fergie-Lite flogged him to us for £50 grand, he’s played against him twice and scored twice and it’s all been a bit fractious.  Could Fergie-Lite raise his team for a decent performance tonight or would they already be on the beach?  We can’t ignore the other games going on tonight either with Reading at home to Forest (home win banker) and the Fat Sam Total Football Academy visiting 4th bottom Bristol City (likely away win).

There was some speculation before the game that Morgan Schneiderlin was fit again but Nigel made all the speculating about any changes completely pointless by going for the same team and the same bench.  I think we should have had Jaidi and Seaborne on the bench as well as Richardson, Martin and Harding as you can’t be too careful and one of the things I’d like to see before I die is Radhi the Train playing up front.  One Posh player I remember well from previous encounters is George Boyd who always seems to be at the heart of everything they do, along with Grant McCann who I’m pleased to see, is only a sub.

Me, Dave Merrington, can of lager, let’s go to work.

Saints come flying out of the traps, looking like a side that means business and a side that’s in the business of putting the Reading defeat behind them. After five minutes we win a corner on the right which means that it’s time for The Fox.  Danny boy swings over the kick, Peterborough seem to have no one who fancies it until Jones the keeper decides he’d better make an effort.  Too late though and in steams Big Jos who has totally lost his marker, to head it down and in for his 7th goal of the season and 1-0.  I didn’t knock my can over but a fairly decent sized slop of lager came out of the top.

Immediately, Saints are back on the attack again and it takes another 3-ish minutes for things to get even better as Lallana goes down the left, doesn’t go down when he easily could have done and crosses, Chappers cushions it into the middle to where Billy Sharp control and fires into the corner of the net to make it 2-0 after a whole 10 minutes and I've got lager coming out of my nose.  There is lots of shouting going on and the 3,500 Saints fans in the ground sound magnificent.  It’s nearly 3-0 a minutes later as Adam gets in a shot which forces a decent save from Jones who must be wondering what the fuck is going on in front of him.

Posh begin to get a foothold of sorts and have their first period of pressure which ends in Barnett getting in a header that in all truth was a bit soft and it plopped off the turf to present Superkelv with an easy save.  News comes filtering through that Fat Sam will be munching on a celebratory pie as West Ham are one up at Ashton Gate but before the news and the pie can be digested, it turns out that Bristol City have equalized.  How does that one taste Sam, probably like a healthy salad.

In the main it’s all Saints and we have a couple of near things as Billy gets free and hits the post, not knowing that the flag was up already.  Chappers then chased down Zakuani who fannied about with it and allowed Chappers to nick the ball and Zakuani clearly clipped his heel.  Lets put it this way – it was more of a penalty than either of the recent Ashley Young efforts which were given for the Dad of one of today’s managers.  The ref however, was not intimidated by the 3500 Saints fans out of 9500 in the ground and didn’t give it.

Peterborough then manage to be assertive and decisive for the first time as Rowe ducks into a header and Brisley tries to kick his head off of his shoulders by wellying him in the face.  The stoppage while Rowe has his features put back together is the final incident of what had been an extremely good first half.

Half time of Bristol City are still drawing with Fat Sam and Reading are 0-0 with Forest and Forest are having the better of it.  We all know that having the better of it against Reading means bugger all and they’ll still beat you. For some reason, that game only kicked off at 8pm so it’s not half time there yet.  So far, so good.  Dave says that Saints don’t want to let Peterborough back in it and we don’t want to give them any encouragement and we definitely don’t want to concede a goal.  No shit.  I bet his team talks were brilliant when he was the manager

The first 10 minutes of the second half are quite even with Posh making a decent fist of it without threatening and us being content to not over-commit.   If it wasn’t over already then the game was finished on the hour mark as Sir Rickie found himself on the right of the penalty are and laid the ball into Adam on the penalty spot who flicked it off first time to Billy Sharp who did what Billy Sharp does and put it in the net.  3-0 and get the fuck in!!!  This goal is all about the touch from Lallana though – superb technique and vision, a bit like Paul Wotton only better.

Just after the hour mark one of our defenders is summoned from the bench as Aaron Martin comes on for Big Jos who took a bit of a knock when he scored and now fancies a rest.  Having used one, it’s a bloody good job that we have two other defenders on the bench to provide the impact that we’ll need at 3-0 up.

Saints are still flying and looking for a fourth goal as Sir Rickie again shows what a good footballer he is by superbly timing a ball to Chappers, whose low shot was just about kept out by Jones though in truth here, Chappers should have not given Jones a prayer.  Jones  is in the firing line again 5 minutes later as Dean “he hasn’t scored since the first game of the season” Hammond has a dig from the edge of the box which flies just wide with the keeper motionless.

There are 10 minutes to go and Posh are having a go at getting a consolation and Superkelv is having none of it as he denies both Rowe and then Taylor with decent saves. After some great Posh passing.  He’s powerless to prevent Rowe scoring with 5 minutes to go though as a corner comes in and his headed at goal by Zakuani, who has managed to lose Aaron Martin.  Chappers kicks it off the line but Rowe bundles the rebound into the net for 3-1.  A quick look at the watch makes me realise that I’m not that bothered.  All that’s left is for Billy Sharp to feature in a standing ovation/time wasting substitution as he’s replaced with Guly who gets the ball and runs at them.  He should pass it but he's only playing for five minutes in the pissing rain, having travelled all the way up there so who can blame him for having a shot... which goes wide.

Full time and what a result – all we need now is for Bristol City to hang on….. and they did – how do like Weightwatchers Fat Sam?..  Just the one point in today’s meal.  At the point when the Fat Sam result was confirmed, Reading were still 0-0 with Forest with 10 minutes to go.  Beautiful…. and so with two games to go we are five points ahead of West Ham with a five better goal difference which means that whatever happens, we will go into the final game of the season at home against (almost certainly relegated) Coventry, with an advantage.  

It was too much to hope for that Reading would drop points and true to form, they did what they always do and found a way to win and banged in a late goal to win 1-0 and secure their promotion and maintain the 3 point lead over ourselves.  Congratulations to them and especially to Brian McDermott – they deserve to go up and if they win the Championship, they deserve that too.  They have new wealthy Russian owners waiting in the wings as well which on the face of it is great for them but I’m sure there will be an element of wariness amongst the fans.   At the same time, I can’t believe that John Madejski would pass control of 20 years of his life to anyone dodgy and I wish them well.

After the game, Nigel legendarily called the Peterborough goal “spawny” which is a word I don’t think I’ve ever heard any manager use before and then spoke of still wanting to win the Championship which I guess is a device to stop the players worrying about being caught and to look up instead of down.   If we get to the point that we have secured promotion, then I will worry about winning the league and not before – come the start of next season though, no one will give a toss if we won it or not as long as we go up and as I explained to a Skate fan on Twitter, no one will give a shite if they finish bottom, 2nd bottom or 3rd bottom.  

At risk of sounding like another Saints blog, I will say “I told you so” as Nigel explained that Billy Sharp will get better as he gets fitter and gets used to the Southampton way of doing things which is roughly what I said last week which proves conclusively that Nigel Adkins definitely reads this blog (ha ha).   Billy himself is a plain speaking blunt Northerner kind of chap and didn’t rate his own performance very highly aside from being delighted with his goals while the legend that is Merrington was waxing lyrical about this being his best Saints performance so far.

So, it’s all good, especially when you read the views of the bitter West Ham Press Association (a.k.a that Moose twat on talkSHITE), banging on about Peterborough rolling over without a hint of irony after Brighton lost 6-0 at their place three days ago.  Three days ago I was worried that we were on course for a bit of an implosion and it becoming very difficult to get over the line but the world today is a much better place.

After the weekends matches we needed 7 points and now its….

2 games left, 2 points needed.

NPC Match 43 - Southampton 1 Reading 3

Have the Championship !!!

Since the Palace match, Reading have been to Brighton and got battered but somehow, courtesy of a deflected free kick, got a 1-0 win to put them level with us on points but behind on goal difference.  It’s annoying and it seems that we can’t rely on anyone else to make them go away so we’re going to have to do it ourselves.  To be fair to Reading, I saw their list of fixtures a few games ago and thought the wheels might come off but in the last 4 games they’ve beaten Blackpool, Leeds, Fat Sam and Brighton.   They’ve kept the run going despite losing one of their main players, Jem Karacan to a Michael Brown special against Leeds and if they come to SMS and win then you have to say that they deserve it.  They’re managed by Brian McDermott who comes across as genuinely likeable which is refreshing in a division containing Fat Sam, Colin Wanker and Gus Poyet.

On the night that Reading beat Brighton, the Skates entertained Millwall, riding on a wave of optimism following their last minute moral win at SMS when they had 6 booked and got a pointless (cos they won’t pay it) fine from the Football League.  They took all that momentum and fighting spirit and lost 1-0 and were, by all accounts, shite and lost with barely a whimper to leave them 9 points adrift with 4 games left.  We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when...

Talking of accounts (sort of), the Pompey Administrator has published a list of creditors who are going to get shafted.  All debts have been accrued since the last administration a couple of years back but the list is remarkable in its lack of morality.   Schools are owed thousands (including the Southampton based one that owns their training pitch – lock the fucking gates for Christ’s sake) and St.Johns Ambulance are owed £6 grand (again).  Other ‘good’ ones are a Dublin based schoolboys team (£5 grand) and another ambulance service (£6 grand).    Anyway – fuck Pompey, they’re going down and probably out…

To more important matters and SMS again looks fantastic with a near to sell out crowd in place.  Like the Skates match, the away end is all blue but it doesn’t look nearly as offensive.  Our team is announced and as expected, we have the same starting line up as against Palace with Butters keeping his place ahead of Richardson who is on the bench.  I know I bang on about this but what is the point of having Richardson, Harding and Martin as 3 of your 5 subs.  The other two who can come on and maybe make a difference are Guly and Steeeeeve.

Saints tear into Reading from the start and take just three minutes to create the first chance as Billy plays in Sir Rickie on the right whose cross shot is fumbled by Federici and rolls across the goal and away.  Reading have Jason Roberts up front whose arrival has coincided with their great run of form and has had the added bonus of meaning that he’s not being boring on TV as often.  Good player though and he immediately shows what he’s about with some decent control and in the way he easily holds off José and keeps possession.

Reading are getting all bar Roberts behind the ball but we are playing some decent stuff and following a bout of passing on the edge of the Reading penalty area and some pinball within it, Lallana cuts in off the left wing and shoots, seeing Federici pull off a decent save following a deflection off of Gorkss.  Back come Reading and Pearce should have done better with a header when barely challenged at a corner but his header was always going over the bar.

We’re beginning to turn the screw now and having worked the ball upfield via a long ball on the floor by Fox and a superb turn by Sir Rickie,  Adam tries again by cutting in only this time he fires straight at the keeper who catches it easily above his head.   Not so easy was his next save from a Butters-Sir Rickie signature move with when the big man met the deep right wing cross at the back stick, bringing a decent full stretch save from the keeper.

So, a goal is surely coming?  You bet it is but not in a good way, as Foxy tries to drill along ball from left back to right wing and shanks it to McAnuff on the left wing.  Reading work the ball inside and eventually it finds its way back out onto their right with Jimmy Kebe who gets a yard on Foxy before whipping over a delightful cross which is missed by José and not claimed by Superkelv, leaving Roberts to plant a header into the roof of the net from about 5 yards.  Fuck it says I as the Reading fans go nuts with a massed ‘we are top of the league’ chant… bastards.

We seem initially to be unaffected by the goal and continue to pile forward, creating more chances with Adam finding himself in the box and conjuring up (possibly by mistake) a chip which Federici has to push over the bar.  From the resulting corner, big Jos gets himself completely free and makes a bollocks of the header he is presented with. Sir Rickie is on fire and he puts in a great cross from the left wing in the direction of Billy who was eased off the ball by Gorkss as he went for the header.  In my mind it was a penalty but not today.

Half time is approaching and it’s still all us but Bald Psycho slides into the keeper from miles away and picks up a deserved booking to go with his poor first half display.  We have one final chance before half time as Foxy crosses once more and Sir Rickie gets underneath the header and sees it fly over the bar.  

Half time and applause all round for us as we’d been the better side and I still expected us to win.  Reading had scored from our mistake and the Reading defence looked dodgy to me with a distinct lack of pace all over it but especially at left back where, on the 100th anniversary of the unsinkable ship sinking,  Ian Harte has the turning circle of the Titanic and the speed of an iceberg.

The opening action of the second half sees Superkelv steaming out of his goal to meet Noel Hunt, not getting anything but the man and the referee giving a goal kick.  Did I see that correctly because no one complained?  My mate the whiny Chuckle Brother is in full flow with his standard line of ‘why-deee-doooo-dahhhht’ which is beginning to grate on me in large fashion.  If we do make it to the Premier League and lose a few matches then I may have to kill him.

Luckily for him I didn’t have too much time to think about that as Adam crosses from the left, Billy twists and chests it down and Sir Rickie smashes in a shot which flicks off of Gorkss and flies into the roof of the net past Federici.  Get in…. here we go.  Predictably, there is a massive ‘we are top of the league’ from the Saints fans and it’s not just the Northam.  Many of the Kingsland have managed to cast away their zimmer frames and put their false teeth back in and are singing away.  I’m singing too and then get carried away and ask the Chuckle Brother if he was still fucking moaning.

We have the momentum again and are piling forward looking for another goal and Chappers, who has started the second half well, forces Federici to save his angled blast at the near post.  To be fair, it was going wide anyway but a decent save none the less.   From the corner, again it’s Big Jos and this time it skims off the big forehead which takes it away from the goal and away from anyone else at the back post.    The shot was Chappers last contribution as Nigel decided to take a potential red card out of the equation and replaced him with Steeeve who one would assume, would have the instructions to run at Harte.  There’s immediately another chance as Billy and Sir Rickie combine and the latter slams his shot just wide.

Just after the hour mark, McDermott responds to our pressure by taking off Tabb in midfield and putting on Le Fondre up front and going 4-4-2 in a very positive move.  Straight away Reading get a chance on the break but Roberts is superbly caught and tackled by Steeeeve who has hammered back after we lost the ball in the Reading penalty area.  We have a glorious chance to take the lead when following a dart by Steeeeve, another deep Butters cross is not met by Sir Rickie but by Adam Lallana who got in front of the defender and then allowed it to slide off his head and wide.

There still only looks like being one winner but I did think that it may peter out in the last 10 minutes if both sides settled for a draw.  It didn’t come to that though as Deano won the ball in midfield and rather than clearing it, decided to turn back towards his own goal and got burgled.  Two passes later and Kebe had fed le Fondre who side-footed it into the roof of the net from the edge of the box.  Fucking unbelievable – so now we’ve contributed massively to giving them two goals and yes, they are top of the league.

Guly comes on for Deano so I assume that Nigel is going for it but Guly appears to have taken up a deep position in a straight swap.  A few minutes later and I realise that we’ve gone, the midfield has gone and we’re not creating anything.  Steeeve is out on the wing but he’s not getting the ball through a combination of his lack of intelligent movement and the central midfield players not having control.  He is however, our only spark and he bursts through before seeing his shot bounce off of Federici’s chest and away.

It must be nice for the morale of the players to be trying desperately to get back into the most important game of the season and seeing masses of their own fans streaming for the exits.  Pathetic.  No I won’t stand up to let you out, go the other fucking way while I sit in the way and ignore you.  To round off a real shitkicker of an evening, we gift them another goal in the last minute as a poor header by Guly puts us in trouble which José has a chance to clear up but his back header is weak and Le Fondre nips in again, rounds Superkelv and scores with ease… ah, fuck off.

Full time and the fans that bothered to stay til the end clapped the players off as they’d put in a decent shift but it hadn’t been enough.  Oh dear.  As I left the ground, my mood is sponsored by the word ‘angry’.  I felt that until the second Reading goal, we’d been the better side by a mile and deserved to win and there was a big sense of injustice there.  There was anger that we hadn’t made them work for their goals – on all three, we had the ball, gave it away in our own half and before we got it back, they’d scored.  On two of the goals we should have cleared it but screwed up horribly and it ended up in our net.    You are not going to win games in any league if you continually give the ball away in your own half.

Having taken a few deep breaths, calming down a bit and trying to be objective… as far as Reading were concerned it was the perfect away performance in that they soaked up everything we had one way or another and then hit on the break when they had the opportunity.  They didn’t have many opportunities but they took them all.  It’s not as if we didn’t know it was coming as they’ve been doing that all season.  We didn’t play badly and against most teams we would have been out of sight by the hour mark and the job would have been done.

McDermott seriously got one over on Nigel as well – McDermott brought on a forward for a midfielder and played him up front and he scored twice, Adkins brought on a forward for a midfielder and played him in midfield and he contributed to giving a goal away and did nothing up the correct end.  Our ridiculous bench came home to roost as well – could have brought on Barnard or Punch or even Falque when we needed a goal at 2-1 down but we had three defenders left as game changing options.  ‘Impact’ – my arse.

Some players had shockers today, staring with Superkelv who had one of his ‘nailed to the goal line games’.   In my opinion he should have done better on the first goal and José Fonte will know he should have done better on the first and third. In generally play, Deano and Corky were ok in the first half but went missing in the second and we really missed Morgan for the control in that area that he usually gives us.  So, having said last week that this was our best midfield, they totally proved me wrong.  Chappers is proving to be a bit of a conundrum at the moment, veering between excellent and dreadful and not a lot in between.  He has to stay in the team against Peterborough on Tuesday though as he always scores against them.

So, Friday night was a miserable one and then came Saturday with the other team in the Automatic Promotion Love Triangle, West Ham, playing at home against Brighton.  Bearing in mind the Fat Sam has not masterminded a home win in his last 7 attempts; it was tempting to think that Brighton would be good for a point.  By 10 past 3 they were 3-0 down however and by full time they had conceded another 3 and virtually trashed our goal difference advantage in the process.   Well played Gus, you utter wanker.

It’s become popular to talk of things in the context of ‘If Carlsberg did etc etc etc’.  Well, this weekend has been provided by a different lager, that Value stuff from Tesco.  So… “If a Steaming Pint of 2% Pss Lager did Sporting Weekends, then it would be just like this one”.   Hopefully Carlsberg will be back in action on Tuesday when we travel to Peterborough and Fergie-Lite, Reading entertain Forest who ar eplaying pretty well at the moment and Fat Sam goes to Bristol City which is an interesting one as City still have some work to do following the Skates miraculous and highly dubious win on Saturday.

Tuesday cannot come soon enough.

3 games left, 7 points needed.

Me, 94 minutes, Friday

NPC Match 42 - Crystal Palace 0 Southampton 2

Wilfried Zaha throws another wobbler

48 hours after the Skates match finished and we were hopefully ready to go again against Crystal Palace.  As we all know, the Skates call us the Scummers and today we call them pathetic for still celebrating a draw like they’ve just usurped Barcelona as the number one club side in the world.  To dwell on that for a second, there’s been a double page souvenir spread in the Portsmouth News and one of their players even called the draw the highlight of his career.  Just shows that for all their ill-gotten cup finals and European Tour, there will always be something incredibly ‘tin pot’ about them.  As for the Scummers, well as you may know, I work in Brighton so when I was chatting to an Albion fan about who we were playing on Easter Monday, I got out “Crys…” before I was corrected with “the scum”.   More of Brighton later…

To the team and for once I called it correctly with three changes being made.  The injured Morgan was replaced by Jack Cork, Chappers came in on the right for Guly and Danny Butterfield came in against his former club in place of Frazer who obviously having just returned from injury, couldn’t do two games in three days.  Is it obvious though… maybe Butters is playing because it’s against Palace.  Players usually do well against their former sides or against managers with whom they have a point to prove – hence Chappers should always play against a Darren Ferguson team and he’ll always score.

Butters find himself up against Wilfried Zaha who is obviously a talented footballer but at SMS earlier on in the season, he counteracted this by acting like a petulant five year old.  He’s causing moments of panic on their left though and the first chance falls to another who stood out at SMS for different reasons - Dikgacoi is basically a big fat lump with the mobility of a very large wardrobe.  The Wardrobe manages to heave his arse off the ground and get his head to a Martin corner, forcing Superkelv to tip it over the bar.  After a small delay while ground staff repairs the damage to the pitch where the Wardrobe has landed, we carry on.

It takes quarter of an hour but The Saints are Coming with Billy Sharp lobbing wide and then Chappers seeing an effort deflected wide for a corner.  Sir Rickie has his first sighter on goal and his effort is tipped wide by Speroni and so we win another corner.  It’s delivered short from the right by The Fox to Lallana and his cross is controlled and fired in at the back stick by Sir Rickie but the whistle has already gone for a needless assault committed by Jose against his former club as the ball came across.

Palace have a decent Academy and are not afraid to throw these guys in and should be applauded for that.   Debutant De Silva causes consternation with a weaving run past two players and a decent shot which Superkelv helps over the bar.  It’s a prelude for us taking the lead though as the corner is cleared and we eventually work the ball out via a Fox crossfield ball to Chappers and back to Butters on the right who slings over a wonderful cross which drops over McCarthy the centre back and into the gap in front of Clyne at right back.  Guess who was there to thump the header into the net for 1-0?  Goal Number 29 of the season for Sir Rickie.

Every time Deano has a shot now it’s prefixed by ‘Hammond who hasn’t scored since the first game of the season’ and he still hasn’t as he smashes one from 25 yards which goes narrowly wide with Speroni scrambling.  We’re approaching half time but we cough up a glorious chance to Palace as Scannell’s flick finds Chris Martin in loads of space and he lashes woefully over the bar in an exhibition of finishing that was truly dreadful, like all those fucking U2-lite records he makes when he’s not being sensitive and making Mung Bean and Lentil Casseroles with Gwyneth Paltrow.  Half time and happy days are here again.

As the second half gets underway, Dave Merrington is at his insightful best with the assertion that we really need a clean sheet.  In case we didn’t get that, he repeats it about four times until I actually ponder whether Dave actually died a few years ago and Radio Solent kept a library of his clichés to play at the right moment so they don’t have to pay out for another expert summariser.

It’s going very well at the moment and we’re keeping possession well and Palace are obviously getting frustrated with it all and Foxy hits Clyne with a strong tackle which raises the temperature a bit.  The Palace players mood won’t have been helped on 55 minutes when Adam Lallana outmuscles the Wardrobe who ate Adam’s weight in burgers as his pre-match meal.  Adam feeds Corky who slots the ball through to Sir Rickie who still has a lot to do.  He runs at McCarthy, feints right, goes left and buries it across Speroni into the far corner for 2-0.

Zaha has managed about 60 minutes without being a complete cock so it’s not a surprise when as the tackles start flying with some Bald Psycho giving it some.  Zaha decides to steam over to Corky, dives in, comes out without the ball and then shoves him over earning an inevitable yellow card.  Clyne and Foxy have another spat as well and it’s all kicking off.  Big Dave Merrington is clearly not dead because what he said next was so strange that it couldn’t possibly have been recorded in advance as he declared that it will be a “Braziliant” result if Saints win today.

On 65 it’s nearly “5^th hat-trick of the season time” as a Sir Rickie chests up a loose ball to himself and casually volleys it just over the bar before Palace make a tactical switch with the Zaha coming over to the right as he’s thrown so many toys out of his pram on the left, there wasn’t enough room to play football anymore.  Zaha is a good player though and goes past Foxy and plays a “bury me” ball into the path of Martin who plays an air shot which looks atrocious until you realise that Jose has got a toe in and deflected it away.

Nigel responds to the danger of Zaha on their right by replacing Fox with Dan Harding which causes my eyebrows to raise up in surprise but the managers reasoning is that Dan is quicker and he’ll be able to counter Zaha better.  Dan is helped out in the first instance by Big Jos who in a very unsubtle way, charges over and takes out Zaha on the left hand edge of the penalty area.  Good job Jos, well done.  It becomes even funnier a minute later as Martin, their free kick expert, launches the free kick straight out for a goal kick in the absence of any 14 foot tall Palace players to get on the end of it.

It’s 75 minutes gone and standing ovation time as Sir Rickie is rested for Friday and off he comes to be replaced by Guly.  Usually we have to put up with Jack Cork and his poor efforts at trying to break his season long duck but now it’s the turn of Jose Fonte who does his best Sir Rickie impersonation in that he peels away to the back post, rises majestically to meet Adam Lallana’s cross and then fucks it all up by heading it straight at Speroni.  The rebound comes straight out to Guly who repeats the effort and heads straight to the keeper.  Saints are all over Palace now and Jose again has another go and this time his cross-cum-shot flies wide.  Perhaps he and Corky have a bet on to see who scores first.

There is just time for Harding to stop Martin bursting through on goal with a superbly timed tackle and for Chappers to be replaced for injury time with Steeeeeve.  There is magnificent chorus of ‘Who the fuck is laughing now’ from the travelling 6000 and then the final whistle and full time – 2-0, get in there.

What a difference a couple of days make.  I’d spent the 48 hours since the Skates match finished being a right grumpy bastard but now all was well with the world after a great performance by the red and white machine, albeit against a side who are on the beach already for the summer.  You can only beat what’s in front of you though and we did that with a degree of comfort.

After not really being at the races against the Skates, our midfield turned up big time today with Corky and Deano being immense and totally dominating against the Wardrobe whilst Chappers got back to somewhere near his early season form with an all action display.  Meanwhile, though he was not at his most productive offensively, Adam Lallana worked his proverbial nuts off.  This is our best midfield Nigel, please use it for the Reading game.  As for Sir Rickie, well… 30 goals for the season with 4 games to go – he’s a fucking God isn’t he?

Nigel was rightly full of praise for the 6000 away fans afterwards, pointing out the direct positive effect they had on the team.  I was a but pissed off that we had games on Saturday then Monday whereas Reading and West Ham had Friday-Tuesday and Friday-Monday respectively but having won today it’s great as the other two have the pressure now in the same way that we had it on Saturday.

Following our game, I kept in touch with West Ham against Birmingham which despite Birmingham being 2-0 and 3-1 up, ended in a draw with Fat Sam getting a point.  Fat Sam would have snapped your hand off for that at half time but he’d also have snapped your hand off if you had a cake or a pie in it and you’d get your hand back minus a few fingers and your wedding ring.  Reading are up next with a difficult trip to Brighton. Oddly, Fat Sam’s next game is also against Brighton and many have had their pants pulled down when they least expect it when Brighton are in town.  If this ever gets published anywhere, I may take that gag out.

So, roll on to Friday and the visit of Reading for what is slightly enormous game, the biggest of the season by a mile.  I am by nature a very pragmatic Saints supporter in that I subscribe fully to the one game at a time approach as advocated by our glorious leader.  This is a mechanism used against the inevitable fuck up that’s around the corner but….  it’s getting fucking close now.  I could go into all the permutations but I can’t be arsed – so for now it’s…

4 games to go, 6 points needed…

NPC Match 41 - Southampton 2 Portsmouth 2

Lightning Strikes.... Twice!

All the pre-match posturing, bile and vitriol was now done and it was time for the real posturing, bile and vitriol to begin.  The ground was filling up, the bubble was causing peace and tranquility everywhere and the South Coast Derby was at SMS once more.  This, my Brighton and Bournemouth supporting friends, is a rivalry.

I think the bubble is a good idea but I do miss the journey to the ground, seeing opposition supporters and exchanging friendly one fingered acknowledgements.  Whilst on the journey in, I heard an interview on the radio where the leader of one of the Pompey fan groups was on one of the bubble coaches basically saying that he didn’t like it cos he wanted to get shitfaced.  I hope that Hampshire Police ask for his contribution to the debate should this ever happen again.

To the ground and it’s full and it looks great, even if there are 3000 Skates in there.  To the team news and Sir Rickie is fit to partner Billy Sharp with Guly moving back onto the right wing in place of Chappers who has gone altogether from the squad.  Deano is in the side in place of Corky and I can tell that I’m nervous as I go into full rant mode at anyone who’ll listen when I find out the subs.  Barnard, de Ridder, Cork…. Ok fine with those three … Martin, ok…. and Harding.  What!!!  OK, I know Nigel wants to be positive and have 5 outfield subs but why be negative then and have 2 out and out defenders when Cork is there who can cover all of the defensive positions in an emergency.  Harding and Martin can both only cover one position each so surely having Chappers or Punch on there would be more positive.  Meanwhile, the Skates have replaced the injured Thorne and Tal Ben 38k a week with Jailbird Etuhu and Ricardo Rocha

The game starts with Lallana running at the Pompey defence and appealing for two free kicks, both of which were rightly ignored by the referee provided by the Premier League, Mr Swarbrick.  The ref is interested a minute later though as Morgan gets robbed by Norris and then pulls him back by the arm for a free kick and a yellow card.  It’s 1-1 on the card count a few minutes later as Maguire catches Fonte over on the left wing and we have a few handbags before the Derby forward is booked.

 

The early game clattering is complete after 6 minutes when Morgan flew in to tackle Varney who saw him coming and smashed his studs into Morgan’s knee and off he went in obvious pain to be replaced with Cork.  For what it’s worth, I don’t think Varney went in to ‘do’ him but it was a forwards challenge to say the least.  Nigel is not happy and the ref gets an earful, I assume it wasn’t anything to do with buses or together as one.

Pompey are certainly leaving their mark where they can and the officials are missing most of it, including Rocha throwing at elbow at Lallana as they compete for a ball near the touchline.  Rocha is having a dodgy few minutes as he then needlessly trips Billy on the left wing.  Big Jos launches himself at Adam’s free kick and gets in front of Ashdown who spills and recovers the ball.  The first real effort on goal fell to Kelvin Etuhu who didn’t really get hold of his effort and Superkelv parried with a degree of comfort.  When we get our passing going we look good and one such passage of play ends with a rising drive from Fox which Ashdown tips over the bar which according to Swarbrick rules, is a goal kick.

Jose is trying to get things moving for us by bringing the ball out of defence and he makes some decent ground and beats a couple of players before laying it off to Deano.  Enough time then passes for you to nip off, run a hot bath and have a good soak before Scott Allan arrives and clatters him.  Play goes on and we win a corner as Rocha puts it out and the Skate twat is on a mission and decides to welly the ball into the crowd from point blank range before responding to Adam’s probable assertion that he was a prick, by clipping him round the face.  Following a ref-lino conversation, all of that added up to a yellow card for Rocha and nothing but a word for Allan whose tackle was so fucking late it’s unbelievable but not as unbelievable as Mr Swarbrick’s decision not to book him. 

27 minutes have gone and from the corner conceded by the prick, Lallana’s delivery from the left is cleared high by Pearce to the edge of the box where Sir Rickie heads it back into a ruck of players to where Billy Sharp controls and manages to flick it up and poke it into the net past Ashdown and set off in celebration towards the stunned Skates fans, finger at the lips in the time honoured tradition.  Adam is bit naughty running behind the goal to join in but we’re in front, poachers goal, get the fuck in.  Needless to say, Mr Premiership Bollocks decides to book Billy who will one day score a goal without getting booked afterwards.

Five minutes later and Allan manages to kick Fonte up in the air again and this time it’s deemed worthy of a booking but it’s not nearly as bad as the last one.  We’re on the up now and surge forward again with Billy producing a volley which is at a comfortable height for Ashdown to save.  From everything being alright, it suddenly and out of nowhere went to shit.  A chip down the left by Maguire was chased by Etuhu who eventually laid it back to Maguire who advanced to the corner of the penalty area and absolutely smashed it into the near top corner to make it 1-1.  Where the fuck did that come from?  How he had to confidence to even try a shot from there is a bit of a mystery but what a goal.  At first I thought that Superkelv must have been at fault but to criticize him for that would be very harsh indeed.  The comatose Skates fans couldn’t believe it, having probably settled for a chastening afternoon and there seemed to be a pause before they realised it was in.

The shock around the ground lasted for a good five minutes and we were certainly knocked out of our stride both by the goal and by the continuing strongarm tactics which were still not being noticed by any of the officials.  They do notice Varney tripping Lallana though and the resultant free kick sees Sir Rickie line it up from the left corner of the penalty and Ashdown only put two men in the wall.  The free kick nearly knocks him over but it’s central enough for him to parry up in the air and for the Skates to scramble away as far as Lallana whose volley clipped both Jose and the post on its way out of play.  Very close.

There is just time for another pair of chances as Sir Rickie weights a perfect ball behind Rekik for Guly who smashes it at the near post which is covered by the sprawling Ashdown.  Foxy’s corner is met by big Jos who kind of throws himself at it but the ball flies wide.

In our usual half time brains trust meeting I decreed that we would score again based on the logic that we were looking very dangerous at set pieces and that the Skates weren’t good enough defensively to not give us a load of free kicks and corners in the second half.

The second half starts and like the first, Pompey create the first chance as Varney does well down the left and feeds Maguire who shows the reason why Derby loaned him out by sidefooting horribly wide.  We take 10 minutes to fashion our first chance of the half and again it’s another pair of chances.  Firstly a ball comes back out of the Skates box and Lallana volleys it only to see Ashdown take off and pull of a brilliant save.  From Adam’s corner, Jose meets it with a full blooded header from 8 yards and Ashdown takes off again and somehow shovels it over the bar – another brilliant save, bastard.  I thought he was supposed to be dodgy.

Guly then moved quicker and with more purpose than he had done all match on the hour mark when he was substituted.  I don’t think he even looked at the number of the player being replaced, just knew there was a sub being made and went, having put in his second complete shithouse of a performance against the Skates this season.  On came Steeeve to hopefully give us something down the right where there had been nothing so far.

Nothing much happened for the next 20 minutes aside from a Maguire free kick which wasn’t exactly off the training ground as he hit the wall and then smashed the rebound at the sun.  Steeeve is completely redundant on the right as we’re not getting the ball to him at all with Corky getting caught in possession and decent pressure from the Skates midfield meaning that we’re resorting to hoofing it forwards to Sir Rickie a bit too often.  The Skates are playing what Gordon Strachan would call ‘propaganda football’ in that they were passing it about nicely but not doing anything with it with the final ball often being aimless.

Voldemort made his first substitution, replacing the ineffective Etuhu with Dave Kitson.  What a strange player Kitson is – he can’t jump without doing this strange windmill thing with both his arms above his head.  He then went up for a header with Frazer and lost it, while windmilling his arms about before bleating to the ref and holding up an imaginary yellow card when there wasn’t even the suggestion of a foul.  You would think that silly windmill thing + imaginary card waving + shite footballer = Wanker.  In fact it equals £20,000 a week.

As the game moves into the last five minutes it’s all us again with another near thing from a free kick, given away by the Ginger magician.  Foxy’s freekick is headed back across by Sir Rickie to where Jose gets airborne and smashes it over the bar.  Aaaargh!!! Next it’s Adam Lallana’s turn as he allows a Jose pass to run through, giving him a run at Ashdown.  He should have taken it left footed but tried to go round Ashdown who flies out and clips him but Adam takes another couple of steps before running out of room and pulling out a horrible dive for which he should get booked but doesn’t.

And so we arrive in the last minute and it looks like the Skates have survived but they give us as chance as Rekik makes his one mistake of the match and slices it to Steeeeve who tries to pick someone out when he maybe should have shot and Rocha slices it over his own bar for another corner.  Adam’s corner is flicked on and poked into the net by Billy Sharp but the lino’s flag is up straight away for offside.  Fuck it.  Deano has gone nuts at he ref and he’s going over to have a word with the lino, a quick conflab and fuck me…. he’s given the goal.  After a quick “fuckinghaveityouskatebastarrrrrrrrrds” I don’t know what emotion I’m feeling most, relief, joy…?  Actually, I just think it’s funny as the Skates all surround the ref.  Turns out the the corner was flicked on by Varney and so Billy can’t be offside.  Well played ref, genius.

There are three minutes of the additional four minutes remaining and the next time the ball goes out, off goes Billy to be replaced by Dan Harding who goes to the left of midfield with Lallana floating around in the centre.  A ball lumped forwards beats everyone and goes through to Superkelv and I thought that that was going to be it.  But fucking no…. they get the ball back, aided and abetted by the fact that we only have one up front now and an aimless straight ball is tossed forward by Rocha and headed out by Jose.  It drops to Norris who is completely free in enough space to build a new Tesco and unhindered by any of our midfielders, catches it superbly and smashes it into the net for another superb goal.

There is still a minute to go and we manage one more attack with Lallana getting a head to a Frazer cross but the ball, rather fittingly ends up with Ashdown who saves comfortably. 

The End.  Fuck.  FUCK. ING. HELL. Final whistle and like the first game at Fratton Park, the Skates celebrated a draw like they’d won the fucking World Cup.  Fair enough though, I’d have done exactly the same had the roles been reversed.  Talk about sickening.

When I first thought about it I decided that it was a fair result as they’d played better football than us in the second half in particular but hang on a minute, they’ve had 4 world class moments from players that are not usually capable of that with Maguire, Norris and Ashdown twice, producing moments that are almost certainly up there with anything they have ever or ever will produce.  Ashdown wouldn’t have even been playing if they hadn’t had to offload Henderson to Fat Sam.  I remember Kelvin making a comfortable save from Etuhu in the first half but other than that, no Pompey efforts on target whereas we peppered them but it was almost all from set pieces.  Having seen the highlights, in which pretty passing going nowhere is not featured, we battered them pretty much.  Like the game at Fratton, we should have won but Pompey managed to drag something out of the bag to snatch a point both times showing that they can do it when they want to.  We can’t be too harsh on ourselves though – their keeper had the game of his life and look at their goals.  I guess that over ten matches a team attempts 20 twenty-five-yarders and maybe one flies in and the rest are blocked or shit and fly into the crowd.  The Skates had two fly into the corners of the net in one match.

It could not be said that we played well though and the midfield was absent completely in the second half.  I thought the back four did ok defensively but Foxy in particular was guilty of some poor crossing.  Deano huffed about in midfield and did some good things but Corky kept getting caught in possession.  On the wings, Adam flattered to deceive a bit, as did Steeeeeve but Guly was worse than that, he was abysmal.  I don’t go for the Guly-bashing by default as lots seem to do but he was bloody dreadful today – no crosses, no tackles, no urgency, no decent balls and he’s been pretty poor since Christmas and the time has surely come now to take him out of the side for a bit.  Up front, Sir Rickie was quite well shackled by a combination of Pearce, Rocha and the referee giving him fuck all and I’ve almost come to expect that Billy Sharp will not appear to do too much but he will score goals.  It seems that whenever there is a bundle of players and the ball ends up in the net, it’s Billy that’s put it there.  His all round game is improving though with each game and I think that with a bit of patience and a full pre-season, he’ll be improving for a while.

For the Skates, well Ashdown looked world class and if you ask any Skate fan, he usually isn’t.  I was very impressed with Rekik at left back who just looked like a quality footballer and they’ve pulled a right stroke in getting him on loan, likewise Scott Allan who played well once the referee allowed him to get away with some very dubious tackling.  Halford did his ‘destroyer’ job in midfield pretty well without ever looking entirely comfortable there and the forwards were a nuisance without looking particularly threatening – two world class goals aside…. Sounds daft doesn’t it?

Nigel was attempting to be positive afterwards but his ‘one point gained’ line was not fooling anybody.  I was waiting for the interviewer to say “fuck off Nigel, it’s two points dropped isn’t it?”.   If I’d been the interviewer I’d have written my own P45 by pointing out that like the game at Fratton Park, Pompey were not threatening our goal at all and you made a sub and switched it around and we allow them to score.  You want to waste time then fine but take Billy off and put Barney on.

I can’t usually be arsed to talk about referees but today we have to as we needed a strong referee today to take hold of the inevitable ‘kick them off the park’ tactics that were coming our way and we got Mr Swarbrick who was shit.  How on earth can Scott Allan not get booked for his ridiculous late hack on Jose?  How did Rocha stay on the pitch?  He didn’t even give a foul for Varney crippling Morgan, then booked Billy Sharp for celebrating a goal, then failed to book Adam Lallana for a horrible dive. OK, he did well on our second goal but fucking hell.

I guess that if the game had petered out at 1-1 then we wouldn’t all be as pissed off but having been in front with 2 minutes to go, it’s a complete pisser to have only got one point instead of three.  I also guess that if we’d won 2-1 then Mr Swarbrick would be our hero and not the person we’re all pointing at.  The Fat Sam Total Football Academy and Reading must be delighted with us dropping points today but we still went back to the top of the league, ahead of the Royals on goal difference and four points and goal difference ahead of Fat Sam.

So, no bragging rights for us which is a shame but there you go – ultimately that doesn’t matter.  Still, no time to dwell on it and barely enough time to draw the fabled blue line underneath this game and move on as we have 48 hours-ish before we kick off against mid-table Palace at Selhurst Park.

5 games left, 11 points needed.