NPC Match 23 - Southampton 2 Crystal Palace 0

Palace Striker in Canary Surrealism Shocker

Having got over my annoyance at not beating the Skates, we arrive at Boxing Day and the start of 3 matches in 7 days that would set up the rest of the season or otherwise.  We have course, not been great in December with the only consolation being that no one else has been particularly great either and we’re still top of the league.  I read somewhere that the team that’s top at Christmas has gone on to get promoted in 5 of the last 6 seasons.  It’s stats like that, that really mean fuck all when it comes down to it and are similar to superstition really… for example, today my brother-in-law is at the game and is sat with me, with my Dad moving to the row in front.  Dad wants someone else to sample the Chuckle Brothers and their wisdom.  Will this change of configuration have any bearing on the outcome….?  It’s the sort of thing they fill a whole program with on talkSHITE.  It’s all a load of bollocks.

On my last day at work in Brighton, the Albion supporting fraternity (one of whom is a bastard who got me some Albion pencils and dangly balls as my Secret Santa present) signed off with ‘beat the scum for us’.  Their scum are of course Crystal Palace, who are in town today and they of course have already beaten us once this season in the Carling Cup when we put the kids and Johnno Pace in the team.  Palace then went and beat Man Utd at Old Trafford in the next round and fair play to them.  Today we of course, have a first choice team out with no Johnno Pace in it.  We do, somewhat surprisingly, have Steve de Ridder in the team in place of Dean Hammond with Morgan Schneiderlin moving into the centre.  I can only assume that Deano got dropped for wearing that gay base-layer long-sleeved white roll neck effort under his shirt at Fratton Park.  Perhaps he misheard and thought Nigel said ‘South Pole’ when in fact he said ‘Shit Hole’.  Making a welcome return to the bench is David Connolly who has completed his usual 6 weeks recovery from an injury.  The expected appearance of Chappers on the bench didn’t happen as he slipped over again in training and did his knee again, so no Bald Psycho for a couple more weeks at least.

I expected Guly to play on the wing and Steeeeeeve to play up front the spirit of Christmas had obviously possessed Nigel Adkins as he went against his previously stated reservations about de Ridder playing on the wing which were basically that he didn’t track back enough and didn’t cross the ball well enough. 

The first 10 minutes go by and Palace look a decent side who are very well organized defensively.  They have the highly rated Nathaniel Clyne at right back who has been tracked by the big boys and Gardner, a big tall lump in the centre.   Talking of big lumps, they have a bloke resembling a wardrobe in the centre of midfield.  He’s probably all muscles but he looks like a bit of a fat lad.  I’m pleased that Darren Ambrose is not playing as I feel that midfielders who get forward is a bit of an Achilles heel for us with the way we play.  So, it’s two lines of four, come and break us down then!  On ten minutes we nearly make the breakthrough as Steeeeeve feeds Morgan who whips in a perfect first time cross to the back stick to the on-steaming Sir Rickie whose goalbound header is well kept out by Speroni.

Morgan is making his presence felt in midfield by running the game with authority, pinging passes out to the wing to where Frazer and Steeeeve are giving the very dodgy looking Ramage a hard time on the Palace left. De Ridder is the focal point today and he provides both positive and negative.  Bad news first as he finds space on the right but with Guly, Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana all in the middle, shins his cross behind the goal.  Good news though when Frazer gets totally done by Scannell on the left wing and as the Palace forward starts to get up a head of steam down the wing, he gets caught and superbly tackled by de Ridder who has come from nowhere.  Steeeeeeeeeeeeve!!!!

Wilfred Zaha is another Palace player with a bit of a reputation but if he’s not careful, he’ll get a reputation for being a knob.  Danny Fox tries to dribble round him and kind of screws it up and just runs into him and gives the ball away before having a little tap at his ankles.  Zaha gets the red mist, turns round and shoves him in the neck.  To be fair to the ref, he’s obviously seen Foxy’s kick as he gets a yellow card for it and fair enough.  He then however decides to ignore the rule about raising your hands to an opponent though and Zaha doesn’t even get spoken to.  Palace obviously thought he was in trouble as their players walked him right up the pitch away from the incident.

The incident has got to Zaha though as he spends the rest of the first half throwing his arms around as a succession of decisions don’t go his way.  His mood will doubtless be made worse by de Ridder giving Ramage the old go, stop, go before standing up a superb cross for Guly to head into the net for 1-0.  Get in!!!

It’s all about Steeeeve now as he’s decided that Ramage is there for the taking and flies past him again, only to get hauled back for an obvious yellow card.  There’s a comedy cameo moment as Big Jos bring the ball out of defence, feeds de Ridder and keeps galloping forward like a lunatic only for de Ridder’s cross not to reach him.

Half time and happy days.  A word for the half time entertainment which is a kids relay race round the side of the pitch where they have to transport a ball right the way round and then the last player smashes it into the net.  Hilarious as we had kids dropping the ball before the start, kids running off without the ball and making the previous kid run miles and to cap it all, both kids on the final leg missed the goal.  Brilliant.  I think we should do this with some of the fat ex-players with Paul Williams and Matt le Tiss on their last legs, literally.

Back to today and Palace have to come out and try and score now but they don’t seem to have much of a plan B.  The wardrobe in midfield hasn’t got a clue when it comes to being creative and Zaha’s answer to the need for a goal is to put luminous yellow boots on.   Yes mate, now everyone can see that you’re a twat, even in the dark. Saints fashion the first chance of the half as Cork wins possession and sets de Ridder away through the middle with a cute pass.  Our famous Belgian should have had a shot really but ran into traffic before working it back to Lallana who smashed it wide before pulling the old trick of appealing for a corner.

Palace do come back into it and actually win a corner which we defend horrifically as McCarthy’s free header (which is heading well wide) hits Frazer in the chest (penalty appeals etc!!!) before Sir Rickie hooks it up in the air and Fonte climbs all over Gardner and heads clear (more penalty appeals!!!).  Having seen the replays, first one definitely not, second one possibly though Gardner did just stand there and made no attempt to go for the ball – mind you, that may have been difficult with a large Portuguese man on his head.  More Palace pressure as Zaha makes his one positive contribution with a cross and Glenn Murray hooks it straight to Superkelv who catches comfortably.

It’s all over bar the shouting in the 75^th minute though as we build down the left through Lallana and Sir Rickie before Morgan spreads play out to Frazer on the right who runs forward and curls another fantastic cross onto the head of Guly who cannot miss and doesn’t.  It’s 2-0 and we are back.

You can always tells that the goalscorer was about to be substituted when a sub was ready to come on before the goal and then the fourth official desperately starts fucking about with the electronic board.  Eventually, Guly stays on and Steve de Ridder comes off having had his best game so far for Saints.  Personally I thought we should have taken Lallana off as he wasn’t quite at it today but the good news was that David Connolly was back on the pitch.

Adam nearly makes the most of his reprieve by pulling out a wonderful turn to leave the fat wardrobe in his wake before ruining the aesthetic beauty of the moment by lashing horribly over the bar.  It’s time for a Man of the Match Standing Ovation substitution as Morgan makes way for Deano and his gay jumper.  There is no excuse – not even if his wife bought it for him.

More comedy as the fat wardrobe lumbers into a threatening position and tries to curl an inviting cross into his forwards path.  He succeeds only in sidefooting is straight to Superkelv in embarrassing back-pass fashion before going straight to McDonalds for a comfort burger.

I don’t usually remember the direct Chuckle Brothers quotes as I’m trying to ignore them but today, one stuck in my mind and gives a real indication of what we have to put up with.  This classic comes from the Moronic one.  As the 93^rd minute ticks down, the ball hits Scannell on the arm and the ref gives a free kick which Scannell doesn’t agree with...

“It was a handball.... own up.... be a man.... not a canary”.

Everyone is looking at everyone else with their very best ‘What the Fuck?’ face but no one says anything to him as it’s Christmas and we’re back to winning ways as the final whistle blows.  

There were lots of general things I noticed today that don’t really fit into a ‘highlights’ match report.   When we signed Jos Hooiveld a couple of weeks back, Nigel mentioned about the need to intercept passes these days, rather than tackle.  Since that comment I’ve noticed how many times not only Big Jos but also Jose Fonte manage to do this.  It’s like a throwback to Alan Hansen who is the 80’s was the only centre back who never got dirty.  Jack Cork is also a master at running opponents off the ball and winning it back without giving the referee any opportunity to give a foul.

We kept possession very well today which involved a lot of passing across and backwards and waiting for the opening, drawing the opposition out.   A lot of fans just do not get it and would rather we just hoofed it forward.  Morgan was picked today, specifically for his ball retention and ability to pick a pass and spray it out to the wings against opposition who pack the centre of the park.  Maybe that’s crap and it was solely because Deano wore that gay jumper at Fratton Park.

Finally we have the man who scored both goals today and won the match for us, Guly do Prado – yes he gives the ball away quite a lot and yes he looks disinterested sometimes but he makes things happen and there is an end product.  Look at the goals he’s scored this year and last and I bet his assist count is pretty good too.  We had another player a bit like that a few years back, in fact I mentioned him in the half time bit and it’s not Paul Williams.  The criticism Guly gets is at best unhelpful and is really not doing anyone any good you know.  I bet he’d get in every team in this years Championship if they had him as every team needs a bit of unpredictability about it and he’s it, along with Adam and Steeeeeve.  Pompey’s unpredictability is whether the players will get paid or not.

We played very well today and won comfortably. Fonte and Hooiveld were class at the back and didn’t give Palace too much of a sniff and Corky and Morgan ruled the midfield.  Oddly enough, the two players who are our two most celebrated, Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana were quiet today but others like Guly and Steeeeeeve stepped up.  Palace showed signs of being a decent side but maybe weren’t allowed to be by their managers tactics.  It’s interesting that the last two managers that have played us, both Voldemort (Skates) and Freedman (Palace) are young and in their first managerial jobs and are both adopting a safety first approach.  Maybe it’s a fear of failure.  Palace came for a draw and when they went 1-0 down had nothing else and didn’t even really try anything else.

So, a good Boxing day with West Ham only drawing and the Skates getting beat 1-0 to a goal by Dany N’Guessan who put a smile on the face of Saints fans today even if he never did when he played for us.  Next up... Revenge Mission number 1, Bristol City at home, Friday night.  Win that and we’re 6 points clear for a day at least as everyone else plays on Saturday including Brighton who we play on January 2nd.  If we beat them, I predict Gus will have a rant about us arranging fixtures to suit ourselves, extra day to recover and all that stuff....yawn!

NPC Match 22 - Portsmouth 1 Southampton 1

Needed another one!!!

The waiting is over and for the first time since 2005, we return to Fratton Park for a derby game in the League. As has been covered in the preview, the last time was completely abysmal. Not being one to be swayed by superstition, I have taken up residence in the same armchair, in the same house as I was in then. Last time around I more or less swore in front of my mum for the whole 90 minutes and taught her a whole load of new words. I will endeavour not to swear this time which will be nigh on impossible… and even if I manage it, my Dad will fail spectacularly. So here we are in front of the BBC who inform us that the game is referred to as El Classicoast - not in my house it isn't.

The build up to the game has been quite low key from both camps. The main Saints talking point has been whether Kelvin would make it and we’ll soon find out. I’m hoping Chappers had made a miraculous recovery but I can’t see it somehow. Pompey have declared that Liam Lawrence is fit which could work either way. On one hand he’s a decent player but on the other, he’s a walking red card. Both managers have said that they know what it means to the fans – hardly going to say anything else are they – but does Nigel know how hostile this is going to be and has he warned the players about the smell of rotten fish? It’ll be an extra motivation for The Skates to actually be playing in front of a crowd. I expect their players will wonder where the fuck all the extra people have come from and why they couldn’t give a shit every other week; you’ve only come to watch Southampton.

The Skates are of course, once more looking for a buyer and Andrew Andronikou, the bloke who is charged with finding them one, is the same crook who got in the last one, Mr Antonov of CSI. The preferred choice, whose £10 million investment saved the club, has now been arrested for money laundering so you could say that Mr Andronikou succeeded in his brief to find the perfect owner for Pompey. Surely if he gets found guilty then that injection into the club is illegal… well that’s for another day. Pompey message boards are full of people blaming the FA for declaring the latest crook to be Fit and Proper, rather than blaming the guy who chose him, who as I said, is back again like the bad smell of rotten fish. If the FA had stepped in and said CSI couldn’t take over then the club would have gone bust anyhow. How comforting it must be for the Skates to have Mr Andronikou as your knight in shining armour. An interesting Skate viewpoint is that today’s game would show the club in a good light for any potential investor as it will be a full ground, great atmosphere etc. If some dickhead with £100 million plus of real money to tip into a black hole comes along, will they be grateful to us as a result? The 12,000 they got last week wouldn’t have looked quite as impressive, would it?

To the dismay of all those of a Blue persuasion, Superkelv had recovered to consign Bart to the bench. The rest of the team is as you’d expect with Morgan again being asked to play down the right. The Skates had lost Varney to injury but brought back Liam Lawrence who had recovered from injury, much to the dismay of those of a Blue persuasion who wanted Huseklepp to start.

Away we go and it becomes a bit of a hoof-fest straight away with neither team wanting to give the opposition anything. Whenever football breaks out on the pitch it becomes obvious that Pompey are set up like an away side hoping for a point. Norris is supposed to be up supporting Kitson but he’s nowhere near him and any ball up to him is meat and drink to Big Jos.

There are no meaty challenges flying about much to my surprise but you can always rely on Deano and he smashed into Halford but the referee (or Premiership referee Mark Halsey to give him his full title) saw nothing untoward with it. When a booking did come it was for absolutely nothing as Cork breathed on Kitson who stood there waving his arms at the ref. I assumed it was for dissent but the TV replay more or less proved that Corky said nothing. The decision seemed particularly odd as within a minute, Mullins had hoofed both Corky and Deano up in the air with no card coming out.
Lallana is the one class act on the pitch and showed his intent with a slalom down the left which left Halford and Mullins on their respective backsides. The one opening of the first half though fell to the Skates when Big Jos failed to deal with a big punt forward from the Pompey keeper and the ball fell to Norris who bobbled a shot wide from the edge of the box. Oh look lads, we’ve had a crappy bobbly effort wide of the post… lets all sing Amarillo. Zzzzzz. And while we're at it, every time the Scummers get a throw in, chuck the ball away.

Both teams were awarded free kicks in threatening positions as the half drew to a close but Sir Rickie put his tamely straight at the keeper and Halford curled his wide. The commentators made a big deal of his effort even though it was well wide and always going wide, which kind of showed how poor the first half had been in terms of goalmouth incident.

Mind you, even if the game had been awesome, then the BBC would have made it look bad. Their insistence on showing close ups of players when the game was going on, their total failure to deal with the over-exposure caused by the strip of sun on our right wing and their insistence on showing replays when there were passages of play that people would prefer to be watching, all added to the general feeling of ‘crap game’. I hate to say it as Sky is the devil.... but Sky coverage is much better. Still, BBC is better than ITV, just because it doesn’t have Mr Potato Head, Adrian Wanker Chiles on it.
Saints have obviously responded better to the half time manager chats and start the second half very well. Sir Rickie sends in a cross-cum-shot which Morgan narrowly fails to make contact with before Henderson grabs it. We’re upping the possession and forcing the Skates back, resulting in Mattock earning a yellow card for flattening the Gulyman which was pointless as if he hadn’t tackled him, the Gulyman would have either fallen over or mis-controlled it anyway, he was having that kind of game. Foxy’s free kick was perfect and met by Lallana at the back stick but he cushioned his volley over the bar.

Just after the hour mark came the moment we’d been waiting for as Mullins pushed Deano in the air to give us another free kick from the right. Fox again went to take it and curled it in to where Sir Rickie beat Pearce in the air to glance it into the net for 1-0. Cue bruised shin on the coffee table. There is something truly different about scoring against the Skates.

Voldemort reached for the bench and brought on Huseklepp in place of Liam Lawrence who I had honestly forgotten was playing. The expected Pompey fightback didn’t materialise at all as Saints took over and gave a lesson in how to dominate a game... and not score. The Pompey fans, by now completely silent were forced to watch as Sir Rickie put Lallana through but he fannied about allowing Skate defenders to get back and cover instead of going straight for the goal.

A sub each as Harding came on for and unhappy looking Foxy and Voldemort obviously decided he was going to hoof it long by sending on Futacs for Mullins. The football lesson without the finishing lesson continued with the Gulyman shanking one wide across the goal and then being smothered by Henderson as he got on the end of a cute Sir Rickie pass. Adam Lallana put Morgan through and he, in entirely predictable fashion, missed the target and as we arrived at the last 5 minutes, Pompey hadn’t even seen our goal and didn’t look like scoring in the slightest. Corky and Deano were ruling the midfield with Cork in particular winning tackles all over the place. Ginger magician was still the only player up front as Futacs doesn’t qualify as a player and all the service up to him was 15 feet up in the air at least.

And so it came to pass in the season of goodwill that the bastards scored. Another big welly forward by Henderson was not dealt with and resulted in Harding giving a corner away that he really should have cleared for a throw. The incoming corner was won by Thorne at the back post and his knock across was met by Joel Ward who made no mistake, nodding it past the Gulyman on the post.
Saints poured forward again for the remaining five minutes but could only manage one half chance for Sir Rickie which he volleyed over the bar. Full time, 1-1 and the bastards had well and truly got out of jail. We, on the other hand, only have ourselves to blame. The game ended and he Skate fans celebrated like they’d won the league. All a bit surreal really.

Full time. Bollocks. Two points dropped. Yes I would have taken that at the start but Pompey were fucking shite and we should have beaten them. It’s especially annoying as in the 2nd half we totally bossed it but we left them in with a chance by not scoring a second goal. One needlessly conceded corner and it’s 1-1. Pompey really were dreadful and didn’t string 3 passes together for the whole match. They’ll win some games because they’re compact and well organized now but every one will be 1-0. Some decent players in Ward and Thorne and I have to admit, I think they have a decent manager who speaks well and seems to be alright which is a bit of shame as you want them to have a manager like Steve Cotterill who is a) a shit manager and b) a twat. Still, it’s not about them bastards, it’s about us.

I thought the defence played well today and the midfield got a real grip in the second half. Kelvin had nothing to do and defensively, we were very solid. Why on earth Nigel brought on Harding for Fox is beyond me. We’re keeping a clean sheet and they are not getting near our goal so why replace a defender? We are in desperate need to Chappers getting fit top give us balance on the right. Morgan does some decent stuff out there but we’re just not as good without some Bald Psycho. Up front, Sir Rickie did his thing and did it well but the Gulyman had a shithouse of a game – the harder he tried, the worse it got. He’s getting pilloried for the Pompey goal in the media and it was likewise on the BBC as well which I think is a bit harsh. Was he supposed to be on the post and if so, who was supposed to be marking Ward? His main problem was at the other end where he continually gave the ball away. Pompey’s defence is so slow that I think Steeeeeve would have been a good player to bring on with 10 to go to really stretch them.

Maybe I’m letting my frustration at not winning boil over but I found our post match interviews a little annoying. First up was Sir Rickie saying that we should have only need one goal to win a game and then Nigel saying he thought we had it won. OK, we should have only needed one goal to beat that shite but you can’t have the mindset that the game was won at 1-0 with 10 minutes to go. Sorry but bollocks is it. Any team can get a goal from hoofing it into the box or from a corner which is exactly what happened. You need a second goal… Pompey set out for a draw and defended deep – once we scored the game plan should have been to exploit the extra space and score a 2nd. The game isn’t won at 1-fucking-0. Pompey were never going to score with the way they were playing and to be fair, Appleton realised that and sent on Futacs who, despite being shite, is a big lump of shite who has to be marked and causes problems even without touching the ball. In hindsight we missed a trick, maybe stick Aaron Martin on as he’s 6 foot 4 and will head away the inevitable aerial bombardment.

On the plus side, we’re still top of the league going into Christmas but it’s now only by one point from West Ham who won on Saturday. It should have been three and more importantly, we’d have been able to at least partly banish the memories of getting dicked, down at that shit hole the last time we went and maybe that would be the last of the fucking morons singing Amarillo. More good news is that for the all the improvement under Appleton (to give Voldemort his full name), the Skates are still pretty shite. We are in our worst form of the season right now and they’re in their best run. Wow. Maybe the draw means that we’ll only get one point deducted when they get chucked out the league, instead of three. If that happens (probably won’t) then I hope it happens after the return at SMS when we will hopefully smash them out of sight.

Happy Christmas and overall it’s been a brilliant year for Saints so far – promoted into the Championship and at the top of the league. Could have been better though if we’d beaten the Skate Bastards. Still, as I said at the end of the last game against them – I wouldn’t swap their future for ours.

Hoof it up to the Ginger one !!!!

Skates Preview

Normally I don’t do match previews but this next game kind of demands it.  It’s ok that players and manager peddle the line that it’s “just another game” or whatever but for you and me, the average fan, it really isn’t – we have history you see.  My history is this...

I was born in Southampton in 1968 and lived in Netley until the day that Elvis died in 1977.  Before that, Dad started taking me to watch the mighty SFC... at Fratton Park... on the North Terrace... which was one of the home sections.  Yep, my first ever game of football was at Fratton Park in 1976, just after the FA Cup Semi Final when Ossie, Steele and McCalliog were still drunk.  All I can remember about the game is my Dad holding me up on a barrier for the whole match and asking Dad what ‘Channon is a wanker’ meant and ‘why are they saying that Dad?’.  His reply was “because they haven’t got a player as good as him son”. We won 1-0 and Channon scored in the 89^th minute and Pompey were relegated as a result which was of course, completely lost on 7 year old me.     My first game was our last win in the League at Fratton Park. 

Not long afterwards, Dad got a job in Hilsea and so, as the M27 wasn’t finished, we moved to Waterlooville so I spent a lot of my early years in Pompey country.  The hatred hadn’t really kicked off at that point and I could openly wear my colours at school in PE lessons etc but that changed a bit in 1984 when I was 15.  We got them in the FA Cup 4^th Round, when once again it was the 89^th minute, Armstrong… MORAN, 1-0.  We really should have lost that game but Alan Biley smashed one over the bar from about 5 yards a minute before we scored.  Dad and I couldn’t get a ticket for the Saints cage at the Milton Road end, so I was in with the Pompey fans on the North Terrace once again and it was murder keeping quiet, especially in the 89^th minute.  We were parked somewhere up the Eastern Road and we walked all the way to the car in silence, trying to look as miserable as all the Pompey fans.  There was one nightmare moment when I saw someone from my school (who I didn’t get on with) but luckily, he didn’t see me.   Getting ‘outed’ at that particular time would not have had a happy ending.  The celebrations started when we got home and school on Monday was interesting, especially the football practice when I got kicked to bits. 

Pompey v Saints, 1984, Part 1

Pompey v Saints, 1984, Part 2

In 1987 I was 19 and Pompey made it to Division 1 (for a season).  It was an odd year because as well as being a season ticket holder at The Dell, I also saw about 10 Pompey home games that year with my mates.  I used to snigger to myself when they lost (which they usually did) and it was amusing to see the false hope on their faces when they got something out of a game.  I don’t think I actually saw them win so I considered myself a lucky charm.  We played them at Fratton Park and drew 2-2 with two goals from Colin Clarke.  We really should have won this one but bad defending allowed Pompey to score with virtually their only two shots.  This was my last trip to Fratton Park to watch Saints as the carnage I saw before and at the end of that game made me realise that sometimes, it just isn’t worth it.  The Police tactics of keeping us in at end and then buggering off when the Pompey fans got round the back of the away end, didn’t really do us any favours.  A Saints fan next to me being felled by a half brick which had been thrown over didn’t really whet my appetite for more either.  I was on my own for this one and thought that safety in numbers was the way to go so I ended up getting a train to Southampton, having a pint and then getting another train back to Cosham before a bus back to Waterlooville.   I went to The Dell later on that season for my first Derby at home.  We lost 2-0 and were crap, missing a succession of sitters and getting what we deserved.  The defeat stuck in the throat a bit but the pain was eased a bit by Pompey getting relegated soon after.

Part 1 of the Fratton game, includes unforgiveable prediction from Channon

Our door was darkened again 9 years later.  It was 1996 and the FA Cup again.   I’m now 27 and living in an SO postcode.   The Dell was by now down to 15,000 people and the Pompey fans seemed very quiet that day.  Mind you, we dicked them 3-0 with two goals from Jim Magilton and one from Neil Shipperley so they didn’t have much to shout about.  If memory serves they were managed by managerial genius Terry Fenwick with Dave Merrington being in our dug out.  It wasn’t  entirely straight forward and without alarm though as Pompey were denied what looked a clear penalty when Doddsy clipped Paul Walsh.  I met Paul Walsh in a pub a few years back and accused him of diving 12 years previously.  ‘Bollocks was it’ was his reply.  As for the rivalry…. well, there was no need for me to ‘hate’ Pompey at that point as they were in a lower division to us and but for the luck of the FA Cup draw, not on our radar.

Fast forward 7 years and Pompey have made it once more into the Premier League and bizarrely, we get drawn against them in the League Cup at St Mary’s.  This one matters as we’re now in the same league and their fans are giving it the large one after their runaway promotion.   It was a bit of a fiery atmosphere with some interesting stuff at Woolston train station on the way to the game.  It was quite an easy win by 2-0 with Marsden setting up Beattie for the first (cue the famous ‘ear cupping’ photo) and then Beattie slowing down just enough to make de Zeeuw run into him for a pen and a sending off.  2-0 and lovely. 

Next up was the league game in December and I personally escorted two of my Skate mates to the ground.  They weren’t expecting a result as we were flying at the time and so it proved as we really pissed this one by 3-0 with Doddsy scoring straight from a corner to open the scoring.  Marian Pahars made his last decent contribution in a Saints shirt by scoring a brilliant second and then Beatts, every Pompey fans’ favourite Scummer, rounded it off in the last minute with a diving header.  This win moved us into 4^th place and a Champions League qualifying spot which was as good as it ever got as soon after, Gordon Strachan left and our plummet began.  Our plan of all going in the same car wasn’t very well thought out as the Skates obviously, weren’t allowed to go towards the Itchen Bridge where I’d parked, so I had to drive all the way round to Bitterne the long way, eventually meeting two very disgruntled mates outside the Station Pub by Bitterne station.  “If you’d beaten us I would have made you fucking walk”, I said. Their replies are not printable.  After the game, it transpired that The Cunt with the Bell (to give him his full title) had been pissing on the seats at St Mary’s.  Quite how this didn’t result in a life ban for the twat is beyond me... can hardly be mistaken identity can it.

I was parked in front of a TV to watch us at Fratton when Pompey desperately needed a win to give them a chance of staying up and we’d achieved mid-table mediocrity under new manager Paul Sturrock.  We were clearly intimidated by the hostile atmosphere and were rubbish, deservedly losing 1-0 to a Yakubu strike but the moment I remember is a late Kevin Phillips shot pinging off the inside of a post and back out – they may well have been relegated had that gone in.  As it was, that win proved a springboard for them to stay up quite comfortably.  If they’d gone down, it would have spared us the following season.

It wasn’t all bad though....we had another new manager for the next meeting in November 2004 – I use the term manager loosely.  It turned out to be Steve Wigley’s one win in the 18 matches that set our relegation more or less in stone.  Goals from a nice strike from Dexter Blackstock and a Kevin Phillips header and gave us a 2-1 win following Pompey taking the lead when Claus (I think) nodded one over Kasey Keller, just before Keller clattered into him.  My Skate mates once again came to the game, only this time they didn’t fancy meeting a gloating Scummer afterwards and so they got the park and ride back from Bursledon.  They got the gloating Scummer on the phone that evening.

We are led to believe that the FA Cup draw is an open draw and anyone can get anyone.  There are no seedings and it’s all fair.  The only time I have thought this not to be true was in 2005 when Harry Redknapp had just left Pompey to join Saints as manager and to say that he was a hate figure with the Skates is an understatement.  Southampton v Portsmouth – what a surprise!!!  To add more aggro to the situation, Ted Bates, the single most important figure in Southampton Football Club history, had just died and in the days before a minutes applause was the norm, the minutes silence was never going to be observed by that lot.  If it was tense before some Pompey fans started chanting ‘Scummer, scummer’ then it was a positively evil atmosphere afterwards.  Yes it was always going to happen but even so.... filth.  So, against a backdrop of Judas chants and incredibly irate Saints fans, Matt Oakley gave us the lead with a 25 yard thunderbolt and 29,000 Saints fans yelled ‘fucking have that you bastards’.  Pompey equalised soon after with a Yakubu penalty, awarded when the ref bought a horrible dive by Diomansy Kamara.  Pompey had a complete clown in goal in Costas Chalkias and we had a Higginbotham goal ruled out for offside even though Pompey had a player on the line.  Of course, the offside rule says there needs to be 2 players but one is usually the keeper.  Costas was about 25 yards out at the time having come for a superman punch and totally missed it.  We sneaked it in the last minute when Matt Taylor got harshly penalised for handball and Peter Crouch sent Chalkias the wrong way.

This is one of the best videos ever.... (Warning...explicit but very funny language)

In front of the TV again for the next League match in April when we were in real danger of going down and Pompey were doing ok.  In possibly the biggest non-performance that I can remember from Saints, we got annihilated 4-1 which flattered us and the score could have been anything.  We were 2-0 down in no time and Henri Camara got one back to make it 2-1.  Far from it sparking us into life, we let in 2 more as Antii Niemi had his one and only mare for Saints to make it 4-1 with only half an hour gone.  Pompey missed so many chances in the second half it was untrue.  I have never been so angry about a performance in my life, a mood not helped by Harry Redknapp ‘accidentally’ heading towards the wrong dugout at the start to him giving the thumbs up to the Pompey directors at the end.  Of course there was the famous rendition of ‘Amarillo’ which went on for the whole of the second half.  We hated that and it added to the anger but you have to give credit where it’s due… we were supposed to hate it.  It’s a shame our team of wankers obviously didn’t give a shit.   About 8 months later of course, we’d been relegated and Harry wanted permission to talk to Pompey about their newly vacant manager’s position and a war of words erupted between Rupert Lowe and Milan Mandaric.  It’s odd hearing an argument between two sides and you hate both of them.  The scumbag went back to his ‘spiritual home’ and certain people in football, who may or not have been connected with Harry’s family, made a load of money betting on it (allegedly).

If you want to watch a video of this... go find it yourself.

Our double relegation put the boot totally on the other foot and we were not on their radar until 2010 and it was FA Cup time once more and I covered this match here....

http://leagueoneminus10.blogspot.com/2010/02/fa-cup-5th-round-southampton-1.html

The record books show that we lost 4-1 (again) and but like the game in 2003 when we went 4^th in the League, it was the winning teams high water mark and from then on, things went a bit wrong for the victors.  In this case, Pompey’s financial cheating (yes, I think we can use that word) came home to roost and they were relegated and in administration at the end of the season, owing over £100 million in total including debts to charities, schools and local businesses.  It still really rankles with me that we got our 10 points penalty for going into Administration at the start of the following season when it really had an effect and they got theirs when they were virtually relegated already and it had no effect whatsoever.

So, 2011 and here we go again in the Championship.  So far this season, we’ve been outstanding in the main and are top of the league and have been since September.  They have been a shambles and a disgrace to football and society whilst still not paying back the charities, schools and local businesses.  It just so happens that as we approach this game, on the pitch, we’ve had a little wobble and they’ve won a couple under their new manager Michael Appleton.  This game has attracted more attention from the national media than usual because of the ‘bubble’ which involves the Police insisting you travel on official coaches and only get given your match ticket on the coach.  If I was 23 then I’d think this was a horrible idea but as I’m 43, I agree with it.

I’m still mentally scarred by the last two visits to Fratton Park and the non-performances we put in, especially in the 4-1 defeat….so first and foremost, I want us to play to our potential.  Do that and we will win the game as we are the better side, which is why we’re 17 points clear of them.  They may have won a couple of games but they haven’t played particularly well so we have nothing to be afraid of.  Fans of football and fans of fairness and even playing fields, should want us to win this game.  From our point of view though, we just want to put one over them because we own them one.  As I’ve said, I have lots of friends who are Pompey fans and they’re all sound as you like (hi guys!!!)  Their club though is, in my humble opinion, an utter disgrace and a bigger disgrace is that they’ve been allowed to get away with it.

We’re Coming For You.  I hope that Kelvin, Frazer, Danny, Jose, Jos, Morgan, Deano, Corky, Adam, Guly, Sir Rickie, Bart, Dan, Lee, Aaron and Steeeeeeve are.  Time for men to stand up and be counted and time for heroes.

I predict, Pompey 1 Saints 2.

COYR.

NPC Match 21 - Southampton 2 Blackpool 2

Buy this twat a stopwatch for Christmas

Blackpool came to SMS trying to banish the memory of the FA Cup match last season when there were two divisions between the sides and our reserves stuffed their reserves while we were ‘avin’ a laugh.  Ian Holloway didn’t like that.  Good.

I was expecting today to be a severe test of the winning home run in view of Blackpool being a half decent side and us being a bit ropey of late.  There would of course be issues if Sir Rickie wasn’t fit but thankfully he was.   On the bench we have no keeper so lets hope nothing happens to the keeper... but we do have Ben Reeves, joining Holmes, de Ridder, Martin and Harding.   Maybe Ben Reeves can go in goal, all 5 foot 3 of him.

I was hearing the Blackpool side being read out and was pleased that two players who I knew would score against us, Rat Boy Phillips and that ex-Skate git Lua Lua were on the bench.  No Brett Ormerod though which was a shame.  I’d missed the Saints team announcement and old Bill who sits next to me said “you’re quite happy with Bart in goal aren’t you?”.   Oh.... hadn’t noticed the absence of Superkelv but I’ve always been happy that Bart is a decent enough keeper and had voiced that opinion on any occasion that Superkelv hadn’t been quite so super.

Saints lined up once more with Morgan on the right of midfield and made a decent start, settling well and zipping the ball about nicely.  The first time Blackpool showed was when Matt Phillips got down the right and crossed from deep straight to Bart who juggled what should have been an easy take, wide of the near post for a corner whilst three quarters of the crowd momentarily shat themselves.

Encouraged by the nervous looking keeper, Blackpool tested him out again when Sylvestre fired in a shot from 30 yards plus and Bart saw it all the way and decided not to use his hands.  The ball smashed into his chest and bounced out to where Deano hacked it clear as Gary Taylor-Fletcher lumbered in.  If ever you are writing anything about Blackpool, try putting ‘Taylor-Fletcher’ in a sentence and not putting the word ‘lumbering’ – it’s impossible.  A bit like ‘Morgan’ and ‘goal-machine’.

Saints miss a decent chance next as Sir Rickie heads down a Lallana cross to the goal-machine that is Morgan whose snapshot flies narrowly over the bar.   Next came another decent chance as Deano came flying in to meet a Frazer cross but again, hit the crowd instead of the net.  On the half hour though, the next chance falls to the real goal-machine as Lallana nicks the ball off of the dozy full back Eardley and feeds Cork who pushes it to Sir Rickie who cuts inside one defender before having a left footed lash which Cathcart obligingly deflects past Gilks and into the net.  We’re ‘avin’ a laugh Ian.... 1-0.

If we were ‘avin’ a laugh then, we were nearly pissing ourselves a minute later as the Gulyman played a great through ball to put Sir Rickie one on one against Gilks but this time, his left footed blast hit the keeper and the chance was gone.  Before you could say “I wonder if we’ll regret that”, Blackpool got down the left and the cross was met by Basham from barely 6 yards out to make it 1-1, giving Bart no chance.  This goal served as a lesson, the lesson being “it’s better to mark the player than stand there with your arm up hoping they’re offside”.... which, as TV replays later proved, he clearly wasn’t.

A foul on Cork meant we got a free kick about 30 yards out, just left of centre.  It looks like a surefire Sir Rickie blast but we over complicate things by chipping it up and making a mess of it.   JUST FUCKING HIT IT!!!  Corky and Morgan both find themselves with shooting chances as the half draws to a close but we’re trying to do an Arsenal and walk it into the net and in both cases, we mess it up.  JUST FUCKING HIT IT!!!!  Matt Phillips shows us the way in the last minute of the half and lashes one in which pings to safety off of the base of the post as Bart watches.

An interesting half of football and during half time I reflect on how we are playing much more direct compared to the start of the season.  Is that down to a lack of confidence or the opposition having sussed us out?  No such pondering for the Chuckle Brothers who have decided that we’re rubbish.  I tune in for a moment and the Moronic one says he was late today so sat on the end of the row and talked to someone else.  I bet they were delighted.

Nigel’s team talk obviously had an element of JUST HIT IT  BUT KEEP IT IN THE BUILDING AND ON THE BUS about it as Morgan shoots and it deflects for a corner which comes to nothing except a break up the pitch by Blackpool and the ball is with McManaman on the left wing.  He cuts in and from 25 yards, hits a right footed rocket which flies into the top corner.  Sorry – thought I was writing for the Official Saints website for a moment.  What actually happened was that he scuffed it and Bart let it go through both his hands and his legs and trickle over the line.  Bart then compounded the ridiculousness of the situation by crawling into the goal like an 18 month old baby to get the ball.  It’s a nightmare – right up there with the worst you’ve ever seen on one of those Football Nightmare DVD’s, one of which I noticed on the shelves in HMV, presented by Olly Murs, who is nothing to do with football and is a wanker.

There are still 40 minutes to go and Gilks in goal decides that it’s time to start wasting some of it, taking an age over a goal kick…. here we go.  The referee really wasn’t doing us any favour at this point with seemingly every 50/50 going Blackpool’s way and no cards being handed out for persistent time wasting.  Joining the ref in being a twat were of course the Chuckle Brothers with the whiny one giving it the full “Why deee dooo daaaahhht?” and  the moronic one checking out any funny anagrams he could make out of Bialkowski.

Back to the serious business of trying to equalize and most of our decent play is coming through the Gulyman who looks dangerous every time he gets the ball, firing in a decent effort which Gilks didn’t take cleanly but unlike Bart, got enough behind it to grab it at the second attempt..  We also go very close on the hour mark as Deano gets into the box and curls one just wide of the far post.  Tensions are rising thanks to the time wasting and the ref and Sir Rickie gets in a shoving match with Barry Ferguson who was, you guessed it, wasting time over getting the ball back to his own keeper.  Both end up getting booked, Sir Rickie for pushing and Ferguson for being a whiny faced little git.

Saints defence are playing a game of ‘Thou shalt not pass.... back to our own keeper” as Jose Fonte embarks on a risky 40 yard dribble from our own goal line, rather than pass it to Bart.   When a back pass does go to Bart it is met with entirely predictable ironic cheers from some of our fans.  That helps doesn’t it lads? Well done.   It’s substitution time with de Ridder and Harding coming on for Deano and Danny Fox and I for one am struggling to see the sense in swapping left backs but Harding quickly adds more energy down the wing.  Soon after, Holloway brings on Rat Boy and Lua Lua in quick succession which at least gives our fans a couple of genuine hate figures instead of having a go at Bart.  This is more like it though I do hope Rat Boy’s wife didn’t have the telly turned up too loud.

The Gulyman heads a Cork cross just over after a long and deliberate build up and we have a double penalty shout as Morgan gets barged over twice in quick succession – the second of which looked pretty blatant from where I was.   The ref wasn’t interest and he also missed a blatant trip on Nigel Adkins by the water bottles, strategically placed behind him on the touchline.

Usually at home, we’re in front and we want the fourth official to put up 1 or 2 minutes but of course they never do.  Today we were hoping for about 10 minutes but 5 would have to do.  Blackpool backed off inviting pressure and in the 93^rd minute, Frazer swung over and inviting cross to the back stick and in steamed Sir Rickie to bury the header for 2-2.  We even had a chance to win it when de Ridder did brilliantly to win the ball and steak towards goal but with both Lallana and Cork in support, he failed to get his head up and totally butchered it.  2-2 in the end and probably a fair result.

Fair that is, unless you’re Ian Holloway who didn’t say much after the game, aside from moaning at the ref for adding 5 minutes and wondering where he got it from.  Let me spell it out for you Ian... concentrate.   For starters, we scored within 3 minutes anyway but as you’re asking... 5 second half substitutions = 2.5 minutes, probably 3.5 with the amount of time your three took to get off the sodding pitch.  The ref just added an additional 1.5 for all the Blackpool time wasting from the 50^th minute onwards... pissing about at every free kick and goal kick, turning your back on ball boy after they’d thrown it back etc.. I’d say there should have been 7 minutes, not 5.  Muppet.  Why not moan about the fact that you didn’t have a shot for the last 40 minutes of the game when it was obvious our keepers’ confidence was shot to shit.

So, the run of home wins came to an end as it was always going to eventually.  Bizarrely, we moved a point further clear of West Ham as they had a shocker at Reading and got beat 3-0.  I haven’t looked at the stats but I feel that we missed a lot of chances today, the main one being at 1-0 when Sir Rickie was through.  That goes in and it’s 2-0 and probably a comfortable win.  Five minutes later and it was 1-1.  Of course, Bart’s performance and the second goal in particular, were horrific but we dug in and though the record has gone, we achieved the next best thing and got a draw... and we pssed the Bumpkin off again.

All things being even, we should still be top of the league when we go to the Beirut’s twin town, Portsmouth to play in the Mecca of Football Grounds, Fratton Park.  They won for the second time in a row today so they’re on a bit of a roll and you never know, they may get more than 13,000 in the ground next week.

Nigel’s post match interview was mainly spent fielding questions on Bart and talking of next week’s match.  He left me in no doubt that the players know the significance of the fixture.  As for Bart, well he had a shocker of course but I felt a bit for him as it must be tough to be a reserve keeper.  You don’t get a game aside from the Carling Cup and there aren’t enough Reserve or U21 matches to rotate all the keepers in the squad.  Having said that – he shouldn’t have been that bad and one suspects that Jack Dovey or Stephen Mowthorpe would have performed batter.   Maybe even Dismal Forecast.  Hopefully Kelvin and maybe even Chappers will be back and we won’t freeze on the day and despite our iffy away form, we have to look forward to this ...

Bring it on.

PS – My son is 7 and plays in goal on a Sunday morning.  This Sunday, at 0-0 and straight after half time, he took a drop kick and somehow managed to kick it vertically upwards.  When it came down, with my lad not knowing where it had gone, a forward just stabbed it into the net.  Meanwhile, another lad missed an open goal at the other end and it’s ‘unlucky’.  Such is the lot of a keeper.  Put Bart and Sir Rickie into this little story and you get roughly the same picture as what happened on Saturday at SMS.  Luckily, my son didn’t have a collection of morons jeering him from the side, just me crapping it every time it went near him.

NPC Match 20 - Doncaster 1 Southampton 0

The Loan System 1 Saints 0

Today we’re at Doncaster in a bottom versus top match. It still feels odd to me to be the team that’s expected to win but we are, indisputably expected to win and I said before we played Coventry recently, if we are serious about winning the league then these are the games you have to win.  It’s not that clear cut against Doncaster though as they have done a deal with the devil, or more specifically, Harry Redknapp’s pet agent, Willy McKay, who I thought had been banned.

McKay has come up with this idea which from his point of view, is a decent idea.  If one of his players is not getting a game, then he brokers a deal by which the parent club pays 90 – 95% of the wages and the player goes on loan, thus putting them in the shop window for a potential transfer in January or getting them match-fit for when they return.  Nothing wrong with this so far until you realise that he’s obviously working for one club, Doncaster Rovers.  Donny then of course, end up with a squad of players, far better than the club should reasonably expect to have turn out for them.  My main problem with the Donny model of the loan system is that if everyone did it, the clubs with the strongest squads would be the ones who have the best ‘pet’ agent.  Not really what football is all about is it.?

I have always had a bit of a problem with the loan system and this is more evidence for the prosecution as far as I’m concerned.  I know we’ve benefited in the past from loaning players in and out but the amount of loans that go on distorts the competition in my view.  If it was down to me it would be 2 players maximum loaned in at any one time with a maximum of 4 in a season.  If you sign the player permanently in January then it doesn’t count in your quota for the season.

Talking of loans – we don’t have any now as Jos Hooiveld has signed on the dotted line to become a permanent Saint, a contract he thoroughly deserves for his performances this season.  Big Jos lines up for us in an amended line up. The major news and big worry is that Sir Rickie has failed to recover from his knock from the Hull game and has been replaced with Steve de Ridder and The Fox returns in place of Dan Harding.  Willy McKay Rovers are shorn of their highest profile star with Senegalese international and well known piece of shit El Hadj Diouf having a hamstring injury which he got when he overstretched when trying to spit at someone..  They still have Beye from Villa , Marc-Antoine Fortune from West Brom, Goulon from Blackburn, Ikeme from Wolves  and  Ilunga from West Ham in the side though.  They also have Billy Sharp who was an alleged target for Saints in the summer.  Hopefully we wouldn’t join Lukas Jutkiewicz and Nicky Maynard in scoring against us in our last couple of away matches.  As well as all this lot, they have ex-Saints Simon Gillett who is just back from New Zealand having been tossed about by England Rugby players.

The 11 players we had on the pitch posed a few questions regarding the formation.  Morgan on the right doesn’t work so is he giving that another go with De Ridder up front, or is he playing de Ridder on the right with someone else up front? Are we going with a narrow 3 in midfield with Adam in the hole?  Nigel is not only thinking outside the box today, he’s thinking outside the box, outside the house, outside the bus and all the way to outside the funny farm.  Morgan is up front with the Gulyman, bringing his prolific 2 goals in 4 years to the party.  Well this will be interesting and I’m worried.

It all starts positively enough though and we boss possession without really doing anything with it.  The first chances of the game both fall to McKay Rovers and two players who they actually own.  First off it’s Simon Gillett running unopposed through our midfield and forces Superkelv into a sprawling save.  Fortune got himself running at the Saints defence but Jose Fonte Baby come up with an immaculately time tackle to halt the charge.  Then Brian Stock finds himself ont he end of a decent build up down our left and sees his shot shovelled against the outside of the post by Superkelv before it went out for a corner.

We create a clear chance on 20 minutes as the Gulyman a Morgan pull off an excellent 1-2 to sent Morgan through on goal but from a narrow angle he goes for the near post and the ball slams into Ikeme’s head and off for a corner.  A more natural finisher would have gone across the keeper instead of smashing it near post which is exactly what he did in the Hull match last week.

The rest of the first half borders on the very very boring with Saints only creating one real chance of note as a ball sits up for the Gulyman to volley it goalwards, forcing Ikeme into another decent save.

Half time and not enough made of the possession that we had and a formation / personnel change needed.  As the teams re-emerge , we get the former with de Ridder going up front, Morgan in the holding role behind Deano and Corky and kind of no one on the right.

As usual, Saints dominate possession and go forward more in hope than expectation.  We’re the better side but neither team look like scoring and then one does... and it’s not us.  Following an excellent run and cross from the gulyman which is cleared, a big hoof downfield catches Big Jos daydreaming and Jose covers but doesn’t stop Fortune getting the cross in.  With both centre halves out of the game, Billy Sharp finds the ball at his feet about 10 yards out and he’s not going to miss from there.  1-0

A quick summation is all that’s needed for the last half an hour as it was complete shite.  Barnard and Holmes came on for Cork and de Ridder which at least gave us a balanced team but overall, we did sd all and just surrendered the game.  There were half-hearted headers from Barney and the Gulyman, which were not troubling the keeper at all and that was it.  At the other end, we were lucky to get away with one when the lino gave offside when it clearly wasn’t, two seconds before Deano hoofed one of the Donny forwards over in the box.  With about 15 to go, there was none of the belief that I usually have that we will score.

Full time, Doncaster (bottom) 1, Saints (top) 0.  Rubbish.

Well what a garbage result that was and I can’t help but feel that Nigel got this one wrong.  Too much pissing about with the formation I feel and expecting a player with two goals in four years to be a goal threat was wildly optimistic at best.  Barnard or de Ridder should have started up front with the Gulyman or maybe Lallana even, with Harding coming in on the left.  The half time changes actually made the team worse and we never looked like scoring in the second half.  The only saving grace from today was that West Ham contrived to lose 2-1 at home to Burnley and so we stay two points clear at the top but the gap to 3^rd place is now only 5 points.  Yes of course we would have taken that at the start of the season but it’s annoying none-the-less..

Can our away form now officially be described as ‘dodgy’?  Personally I think it can as players and the manager are now talking about it in interviews.  We have to be careful of it not becoming a complex and making ourselves believe that we can’t win away from home.  Sir Rickie missing today was a massive problem as we all knew it would be but I feel a lot is down to Chappers not being fit.  We were too open in away games before he got in the side and after the defeat at Cardiff, he started playing and we got better in away games.  Chappers gets injured and we start losing on the road again.  This needs to stop and it needs to stop pretty quickly as our next away game is of course, against the Skates.

Next up we have Ian Holloway with his Quite Funny / Complete Idiot mood swings as his Blackpool side visit SMS.  Their main player recently has been another loanee, Jonjo Shelvey who has been recalled by Liverpool.  Hopefully Sir Rickie will be fit so there is no need for us to be radical and try Danny Butterfield up front.  It puts today’s team selection in context when you realise that Danny is a more prolific scorer than Morgan. 

Keep the faith and no slitting the wrists.