The Nice Face of Dutch Football
SATURDAY 10th JULY
The game that is not even on your wall planner, the 3rd place playoff or as it is now pomposly known, 'The Bronze Medal Match' or the 'We Don't Want to Fucking be Here, We Want to Be at Home' Playoff. As befitting its importance, I can't be arsed with it - Germany beat Uruguay 3-2 with Khedira heading the winner with 8 minutes to go, the Uruguayan goalkeeper was shit and threw in the first two goals, whilst Forlan scored another decent one for the losers. So, Germany third, whoop-de-do.
SUNDAY 11th JULY
Sapin v Netherlands.... The World Cup Final. The selection issues were resolved in a fairly boring manner – the Spanish kept Pedro in the team and left Torres on the bench whilst the Dutch brought back De Jong and Van Der Wiel who were suspended from the semi final.
Spain started brightly and it only took 5 minutes for Sergio Ramos to force the first save from Stekelenburg with a decent header and the Spanish full back causes havoc again when he fires in a cross that Heitinga slices over his own bar, not having a clue where it had gone.
Howard Webb, the referee, then took over for a couple of minutes, showing yellow cards, first for Van Persie and then for Puyol who gets booked for bringing down Arjen Robben. If I had my way, you get a medal for kicking that diving little shit. The double booking comes again a few minutes later as predictably, Van Bommel kicks Iniesta up in the air because he hadn’t touched the ball so far. Sergio Ramos then gets booked for pointlessly fouling Dirk Kuyt, who was having one of those games where if you don’t tackle him, he’ll tackle himself.
Webby (as his mates call him) has a shocker on the half hour when Xabi Alonso wins a header about three seconds before de Jong karate kicks him across the throat. Think Gazza in the Cup Final in 1991 and then go a bit higher. It’s a red card on the park, in the lower leagues, in the Premiership, in the group games of the World Cup…. But it’s yellow in the final. His foot is nearly six foot off the ground and Alonso was lucky he didn’t need dentistry.
There’s a bizarre incident a few minutes later when the Dutch return to ball to Casillas who must have shat himself as it bounced over his head. He pushed it round for a corner and the Dutch took time off from kicking the shit out of everything and returned the corner to the keeper which was a nice touch from Van Persie, though I bet Van Bommel kicked him in the bollocks for that at half-time.
Netherlands have a decent chance a few minutes later as a short corner is worked to Mathijsen who showed exactly why he’s a centre back by hitting an embarrassing airshot. There is only one more incident of note in the first half which is unsurprisingly a bad foul by a Dutch player which Busquets being taken out high and late by Sneijder, for having a silly name. Half time, 0-0 and a crap game.
The game needs a goal and Spain fashion a chance at the start of the second half but it falls to Capdevila who does a Mathijsen and misses the ball. I feel that it’s going to be a long night. We have managed a few minutes without anyone getting booked but the Van Bronckhorst and Heitinga manage it in quick succession. It’s noticeable that Van Bommel and de Jong have obviously been told not to be silly in the 2nd half as neither of them are putting their foot in which must be a killer when all you want to do is kick the fuck out of people.
Golden chance for the Dutch as Robben finds himself clean through with just Casillas to beat. He took his time well and waited for Casillas to commit before scuffing a shot that Casillas toed behind with a trailing boot. Maybe it was the keeper that put him off, or the enormity of the occasion – or maybe it was me shouting ‘WANKER!!!’ at my television as he shaped to shoot. Either way, it was a great chance gone and you kind of knew that they wouldn’t get too many others.
Spain have brought on Jesus Navas who a tricky little quick bastard who plays on the wing. He is immediately flying past van Bronckhorst and setting up David Villa whose goalbound shot is deflected wide by Heitinga. Having praised him for being an effective player in this tournament, time runs of for Dirk Kuyt who is stinking the place out and is substituted with Elia coming on in his place. Today, Dirk looked like Iain Dowie, which he always does to be fair - the trouble is that today he played like him. There’s a phrase about trapping a bag of cement.
There are just over ten minutes to go and Spain re-enact their semi final goal as Sergio Ramos leaps Puyol-like to connect with a header – only there the similarity ends as he powers it over the bar. Free header from six yards… over, in a World Cup Final, nightmare. I’d love to know what names he was calling himself. It’s going to extra time but there is one more incident of note and involves my mate Robben who again gets through and Puyol is having a pull at his shirt but in most strange behaviour, he stays on his feet and runs into the keeper who claims the ball. I have never seen Robben stay on his feet ever and consequently, he doesn’t get a penalty, Puyol doesn’t get sent off and Robben does get booked for bitching about it afterwards. I find this quite amusing and a definite case of past diving about coming back to haunt you. Webby must have thought... he didn't go down and he always goes down, so it can't be a foul.
Extra time and Fabregas is on for Alonso (actually this happened just before the 90 minutes were up) and my thoughts drifted to England – if Torres and Fabregas were English – would they be on the bench? Fabregas is clean though on 95 minutes but can't lift it over Stekelenburg who makes a great save. The keeper has a heart-in-mouth moment five minutes later as Jesus shoots, the keeper dives and Van Bronckhorst deflects it the other way onto the outside of the post. Fabregas manages a run on shot which goes wide and that’s half time.
…and we’re off for the last fifteen minutes of football in South Africa 2010, Torres is on for Villa and it takes five minutes for the inevitable to occur as Iniesta gets hauled down, it’s a yellow card and it’s just a case of if the Dutchman in question has already been booked. He has and Heitinga has to walk. Webby gets Van Bommel in his face and it’s all kicking off but can we have a goal now please? In my opinion, Webby has refereed pretty well considering the occasion and the Dutch tactics. Yes, he probably should have sent de Jong off but he definitely should have seen the foul on Elia who was sandwiched between Ramos and Pique. From the lack of free kick, Spain broke and Torres crossed from the left, Mathijsen messed up the clearace and Fabregas fed Iniesta who took a touch, smashed it home and promptly went nuts along with anyone Spanish round the world.
The Dutch have got nothing to offer and so The Spanish easily hold on and win the World Cup for the very first time and thank Christ for that. If the Dutch had managed to win on penalties it would have been a travesty for the game. Anti-football at its worst, bloody pub team tactics, Total Football... Total Thuggery. They knew that it would take something bad to get sent off in the World Cup Final and they played on this and kicked the shite out of Spain from the first minute. The sad thing is is that the Dutch didn’t really need to do this as they have good players and Dirk Kuyt. A victory for football.
A while later and Iker Casillas received to cup from Sepp Arse Blatter and Jacob Zuma and millions of TVs across England switched off. Will it ever be us? Not a chance. Another remix of the Skinner and Baddiel song with 4 more years added on to the lyrics.
The End.
The game that is not even on your wall planner, the 3rd place playoff or as it is now pomposly known, 'The Bronze Medal Match' or the 'We Don't Want to Fucking be Here, We Want to Be at Home' Playoff. As befitting its importance, I can't be arsed with it - Germany beat Uruguay 3-2 with Khedira heading the winner with 8 minutes to go, the Uruguayan goalkeeper was shit and threw in the first two goals, whilst Forlan scored another decent one for the losers. So, Germany third, whoop-de-do.
SUNDAY 11th JULY
Sapin v Netherlands.... The World Cup Final. The selection issues were resolved in a fairly boring manner – the Spanish kept Pedro in the team and left Torres on the bench whilst the Dutch brought back De Jong and Van Der Wiel who were suspended from the semi final.
Spain started brightly and it only took 5 minutes for Sergio Ramos to force the first save from Stekelenburg with a decent header and the Spanish full back causes havoc again when he fires in a cross that Heitinga slices over his own bar, not having a clue where it had gone.
Howard Webb, the referee, then took over for a couple of minutes, showing yellow cards, first for Van Persie and then for Puyol who gets booked for bringing down Arjen Robben. If I had my way, you get a medal for kicking that diving little shit. The double booking comes again a few minutes later as predictably, Van Bommel kicks Iniesta up in the air because he hadn’t touched the ball so far. Sergio Ramos then gets booked for pointlessly fouling Dirk Kuyt, who was having one of those games where if you don’t tackle him, he’ll tackle himself.
Webby (as his mates call him) has a shocker on the half hour when Xabi Alonso wins a header about three seconds before de Jong karate kicks him across the throat. Think Gazza in the Cup Final in 1991 and then go a bit higher. It’s a red card on the park, in the lower leagues, in the Premiership, in the group games of the World Cup…. But it’s yellow in the final. His foot is nearly six foot off the ground and Alonso was lucky he didn’t need dentistry.
There’s a bizarre incident a few minutes later when the Dutch return to ball to Casillas who must have shat himself as it bounced over his head. He pushed it round for a corner and the Dutch took time off from kicking the shit out of everything and returned the corner to the keeper which was a nice touch from Van Persie, though I bet Van Bommel kicked him in the bollocks for that at half-time.
Netherlands have a decent chance a few minutes later as a short corner is worked to Mathijsen who showed exactly why he’s a centre back by hitting an embarrassing airshot. There is only one more incident of note in the first half which is unsurprisingly a bad foul by a Dutch player which Busquets being taken out high and late by Sneijder, for having a silly name. Half time, 0-0 and a crap game.
The game needs a goal and Spain fashion a chance at the start of the second half but it falls to Capdevila who does a Mathijsen and misses the ball. I feel that it’s going to be a long night. We have managed a few minutes without anyone getting booked but the Van Bronckhorst and Heitinga manage it in quick succession. It’s noticeable that Van Bommel and de Jong have obviously been told not to be silly in the 2nd half as neither of them are putting their foot in which must be a killer when all you want to do is kick the fuck out of people.
Golden chance for the Dutch as Robben finds himself clean through with just Casillas to beat. He took his time well and waited for Casillas to commit before scuffing a shot that Casillas toed behind with a trailing boot. Maybe it was the keeper that put him off, or the enormity of the occasion – or maybe it was me shouting ‘WANKER!!!’ at my television as he shaped to shoot. Either way, it was a great chance gone and you kind of knew that they wouldn’t get too many others.
Spain have brought on Jesus Navas who a tricky little quick bastard who plays on the wing. He is immediately flying past van Bronckhorst and setting up David Villa whose goalbound shot is deflected wide by Heitinga. Having praised him for being an effective player in this tournament, time runs of for Dirk Kuyt who is stinking the place out and is substituted with Elia coming on in his place. Today, Dirk looked like Iain Dowie, which he always does to be fair - the trouble is that today he played like him. There’s a phrase about trapping a bag of cement.
There are just over ten minutes to go and Spain re-enact their semi final goal as Sergio Ramos leaps Puyol-like to connect with a header – only there the similarity ends as he powers it over the bar. Free header from six yards… over, in a World Cup Final, nightmare. I’d love to know what names he was calling himself. It’s going to extra time but there is one more incident of note and involves my mate Robben who again gets through and Puyol is having a pull at his shirt but in most strange behaviour, he stays on his feet and runs into the keeper who claims the ball. I have never seen Robben stay on his feet ever and consequently, he doesn’t get a penalty, Puyol doesn’t get sent off and Robben does get booked for bitching about it afterwards. I find this quite amusing and a definite case of past diving about coming back to haunt you. Webby must have thought... he didn't go down and he always goes down, so it can't be a foul.
Extra time and Fabregas is on for Alonso (actually this happened just before the 90 minutes were up) and my thoughts drifted to England – if Torres and Fabregas were English – would they be on the bench? Fabregas is clean though on 95 minutes but can't lift it over Stekelenburg who makes a great save. The keeper has a heart-in-mouth moment five minutes later as Jesus shoots, the keeper dives and Van Bronckhorst deflects it the other way onto the outside of the post. Fabregas manages a run on shot which goes wide and that’s half time.
…and we’re off for the last fifteen minutes of football in South Africa 2010, Torres is on for Villa and it takes five minutes for the inevitable to occur as Iniesta gets hauled down, it’s a yellow card and it’s just a case of if the Dutchman in question has already been booked. He has and Heitinga has to walk. Webby gets Van Bommel in his face and it’s all kicking off but can we have a goal now please? In my opinion, Webby has refereed pretty well considering the occasion and the Dutch tactics. Yes, he probably should have sent de Jong off but he definitely should have seen the foul on Elia who was sandwiched between Ramos and Pique. From the lack of free kick, Spain broke and Torres crossed from the left, Mathijsen messed up the clearace and Fabregas fed Iniesta who took a touch, smashed it home and promptly went nuts along with anyone Spanish round the world.
The Dutch have got nothing to offer and so The Spanish easily hold on and win the World Cup for the very first time and thank Christ for that. If the Dutch had managed to win on penalties it would have been a travesty for the game. Anti-football at its worst, bloody pub team tactics, Total Football... Total Thuggery. They knew that it would take something bad to get sent off in the World Cup Final and they played on this and kicked the shite out of Spain from the first minute. The sad thing is is that the Dutch didn’t really need to do this as they have good players and Dirk Kuyt. A victory for football.
A while later and Iker Casillas received to cup from Sepp Arse Blatter and Jacob Zuma and millions of TVs across England switched off. Will it ever be us? Not a chance. Another remix of the Skinner and Baddiel song with 4 more years added on to the lyrics.
The End.
Thankfully - the best team won
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