" That is Torquay Madam !"Once upon a time, long ago, someone invented a Cup competition for teams who he felt sorry for. These teams were untouched by Premiership millions and the immediate undignified scramble to get access to the Premiership millions. Actually, it was before the Premiership (yes, football did exist before) but you get my drift. The teams in this cup competition would have a chance to play against teams of similar ability (pretty crap) for the prize of a day out at Wembley. Some would say this is patronising.
Until this season of course, we fans of the once mighty Southampton FC had not been interested in the slightest in the Associate Members Freight Rover Leyland DAF Autoglass Auto Windscreen LDV Vans Johnstone Paints Mickey Mouse Small Fry Tin Pot Cup, to give it all of its’ titles down the years. It was something Bournemouth entered and of no interest or consequence. The only time it ever registered on my personal radar was last year when Luton Town won it and protested against the Football League who had at the start of last season, under the guidance of the Mawhinney the Arse, deducted them 30 points in a move to ensure their relegation. . This year…. It’s important.
It’s important to Alan Pardew and he said as much in the pre-match interviews and it’s important to me and to many others I’m guessing. I’m 40 years old and have had three Wembley trips with the Saints: the 1976 Charity Shield which I barely remember, the 1979 League Cup Final which I remember a bit about and the 1992 Zenith Data Systems Cup Final which I remember well. The ZDS Cup is a good comparison as it was a minor competition in that all the big boys weren’t in it. Getting to the final was a great thing for me personally and I had a great day out. I didn’t care that it was a minor trophy and I didn’t care about who wasn’t in it and who wasn’t taking it seriously. We were in it and we were at Wembley and that was all that mattered.
Who can spot the common factor with all these appearance at Wembley ? Yes that’s right, we lost every bastard one of them….
Torquay are our opponents in the Regional 2nd Round (we got a bye through the 1st) and we’ve tinkered a bit with Trotman, Jaidi, Lallana and Mellis being rested and replaced with Perry, Thomas, Gillett and recently acquired loan from Reading, Michail Antonio, of whom we have been told by Pardew to ‘not expect too much’. All I know about Torquay is that they have only just recently got back in League 2, Fawlty Towers was based there and a friend of mine who supports Plymouth, refers to them unaffectionately as Torqueer.
Seeing as we have a fairly stong line-up, I’m expecting this game to not be too much bother …. 1-0 to Torquay….Jesus. Apparently it’s a blunder by Kelvin Davis but never mind, we’ll storm back and put them in their place. 2-0 to Torquay from penalty conceded by Kelvin Davis who gets booked for his trouble. Kelvin is obviously having a stormer of a game.
Half time – ah well, Micky Mouse Trophy – not bothered about it anyway, pointless!!
So having not expected too much of Antonio, I was proved right when he was substituted along with Gillett. They’re replaced with Mills and Saganowski which could only make things better.
The second half is all Saints by the sound of it and we are rewarded with a Double Waigo – two scruffy goals from a combined distance of about 3 yards. Both teams have chances but no winner.
Full time We have officially failed to beat the team in 91st place in the League… and straight to penalties. The 25p a minute texts are going to come flying thick and fast`now…..
Lambert – no problem here surely, Goal – Saints 1 Torquay 0
Wroe – Missssssssssssit, Goal – Saints 1 Torquay 1
Waigo – this could go anywhere, Goal – Saints 2 Torquay 1
Robertson – Come on Kelvin!!!, Goal – Saints 2 Torquay 2
James – Oh no, not confident, just smash it, Goal – Saints 3 Torquay 2
Nicholson – This time…..saved, YESSSSSSS – Saints 3 Torquay 2
Mills – Never trust left footed penalty takers, GET IN – Saints 4 Torquay 2
Mansell – Go on, miss you bugger, Goal – Saints 4 Torquay 3
Wotton – yer having a laugh, surely Saganowski will take it, Goal – Saints win 5-3 on penalties.
Funny how things turn round…. Kelvin goes from hero to goat and back again and the Johnstone Paints Cup goes from important to pointless and back again. So, we scraped it but who cares? It’s one step on the road to Wembley in the most important cup competition of the year….forget the Champions League… the Johnstone Paints Trophy is where it’s at.
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