Premier League Match 6 - West Ham 0 Southampton 3

"We Fackin' Lost Again You Caaaaant"

Here we are at the Taxpayer Athletics Bowl to play West Ham. Everyone is calling it the London Stadium at the moment and that's because everybody in London has been fucked over to pay for the thing. Without wishing to get too deeply into it, I can't believe that they haven't been made to share the ground with another London club and I also can't believe they've been allowed to brand the stadium like it's their own home ground. If I paid for a house and someone rented it off me, I'd be pretty fucking annoyed if they painted it Claret and Blue. I do actually have more respect for them if the Dildo brothers had erected a 200 foot high dildo at one end of the ground to bother the aeroplanes coming out of London City airport.  It just seems wrong to me that Spurs have actually redeveloped their own ground and done things the right way.  I hate giving Spurs any credit and I want to dislike them more than I dislike West Ham.

And another thing - West Ham seem to have a bit of a problem with Saints which seems to stem from the season we both got promoted out of the Championship, us by finishing second and them via the play-offs. I don't really get what the problem is. I've never really minded them as a club but the Dildo brothers being in charge and the whole stadium fiasco does make you want them to do very badly. If you ever listen to talkSHITE on the radio you will be aware of The Moose who is a West Ham fan and a massive massive wanker. If we managed to win this then one of the great pleasures will be listening to The Moose on Monday as his voice gets higher and higher pitched. This is because his jowls will be getting in the way of his teeth and he'll be biting big holes in the inside of his mouth trying to make excuses.

Good news this week as Claude revealed that both Jay Rodriguez and Sofiane Boufal would be in contention after the international break.  Today though, Austin starts ahead of Long and Hojbjerg ahead of Clasie.  On current form, this is our strongest starting XI and it was good to see Jake Hesketh rewarded for his performance in the League Cup with a place on the bench today.  Austin will have a point to prove today as West Ham were in for him when we signed him but when he moved to us, one of the Dildo Boys (can’t remember which one) said something along the lines of Charlie having no ligaments in one knee and wanting £100k a week.  This was a statement that Charlie dismissed as an outrageous smear and oddly enough, I don’t recall an apology.  The West Ham side contained no Andy Carroll which is good news for us as he always scores against us but it did contain Payet and Antonio who will be dangerous.  They also signed Simone Zaza who in the Euro’s managed to do the impossible and take a worse penalty than Graziano Pellè.

A cagey opening comes to life when Bertrand comes forward on the left and exchanegs passes with Austin and this takes out Nordveit at right back and his low cross finds hojbjerg who should hit it first time but takes a touch and is blocked by the centre backs.  West Ham’s first foray ends with Zaza being closed down by the Portuguese boys and he gets the slightest brush from Cedric before throwing himself to the ground like a twat.  We have a score when Zaza flicks on a corner and it flies across with no one getting a touch.  Ten minutes in a Romeu hasn’t fouled anyone so he does in horribly mistimed fashion and gets booked.  80 minutes on a tightrope then.

It all seems pretty stale.  We’re passing the ball about nicely and having most of the possession until Davis spots a run to the wing by Tadic, he has Bertrand underlapping and just rolls it in front of him and Ryan pulls it back to Austin who sweeps it first time left footed into the net.  Fucking brilliant goal all round but the way Austin stopped his run to find space was superb.  Great left footed finish as well which I thought was the foot that he used to stand on and nothing else.

West Ham looked blown away by the fact that they’re behind again and we have two good chances to make it 2-0.  First off Redmond superbly brings a ball down from over his shoulder before twisting an opening and smashing it low for Adrian to block well.  Then Cedric makes a great run into the box and Tadic finds him but he loses composure and lashes into the side netting when he should have pulled it back.

Half time and pretty bubbles are not blowing in the air but who gives a shit – we’re happy.  The second half starts I much the same way as the first half ended – they’re shite and not tracking runners at all.  Cedric puts in a ball to Tadic who holds off a defender and back heels it back to Cedric who leaves Antonio on his arse before pulling back to Tadic.  Fucking hit it!!!! Sidefoot, saved, aaaargh! It’s a bloody good save to be fair but he really should have buried that.

The Hammers hsow a bit of life with Kouyate working hard to get a cross in from the right and Zaza arrives with Romeu and pulls another big fucking dive.  What a prick he is.  Jonathan moss doesn’t give anything but allows play to go on, a cross comes over, Fraser comes flying out like Superman, only Superman wouldn’t miss the ball and we get away with it as it bounces off a West Ham player and wide.  Moss then books Zaza.  As he hadn’t stopped the game I assume this was for his reaction, rather than for the dive.

Noble is having a shite game in midfield and shows it when he pulls out a nasty tackle on Hojbjerg and gets booked and his mood won’t have been helped by Reid, Kouyate and Noble himself fannying about in midfield and losing the ball three times – Davis to Austin, first time through to Tadic and he dropped a shoulder to leave Adrian on his arse and rolled it into the net.  Great skill, great goal and 2-0 up.

They’ve completely gone and so have many of their fans as Bertrand flies down left unopposed and finds Redmond who pulls back to Davis who lazily fires over.  Great player but can’t fucking shoot and he messes up again when we once again win the ball high up the pitch and Hojbjerg and Tadic again combine to put Davis through but as he weaves towards goal he takes an extra touch and the Hammers get a block in.

With 20 to go, West Ham have a bit of a go and we get a bit lucky as Feghouli shoots and it hit Bertrand on the hand as he turned his back.  With the current laws it would have been a bit harsh but I’d have been spewing if we hadn’t been given one like that at the other end.  Antonio breaks up the right after Moss had lent a helping hand by giving them a free kick for fuck all and I feared the worst as the ball reached Payet but he dragged it wide.  Last season he scores.

Long is on for Austin but it’s still all West Ham as Payet dances into the box and the ball breaks to the diving git but Zaza’s poked effort is easily cleared off the line by Virgil.  JWP is on for Tadic and he immediately gets on the end of a Cedric pass and brings out another good save from Adrian who has really kept them in it.  He’s at it again as Romeu finds Long who in turn finds Hojbjerg breaking into the box and the keeper makes a find save low to his left but for some reason Moss gives a goal kick. 

As we reach 90 and start feeling that we might at least get a draw, Martina is on for Cedric and we break down the left through Davis who takes a pass back off Redmond and when confronted with Adrian, pulls it back towards the penalty spot where JWP is lurking and he passes it into the net for 3-0.  Brilliant.  Have that Dildo Boys.

As away performances go, well that was just fucking awesome. I don't expect that Claude reads social media but if he did, you can just imagine him logging on tonight and pondering the reactions of some of the fans and that he will have made a note of from a few weeks ago. Now I have to admit that I questioned the formation and the style of football we were playing but bloody hell, has it all come together in the past couple of weeks or what?

The catalyst to the upturn has of course been the goals of Charlie Austin but today he did more than just stick at the ball in the net. The unselfish running to provide space for Tadic and Redmond was absolutely first class and not something that you would have expected him to be doing at the start of the season. I had him pegged as a good striker but quite a limited one in that I expected him to just play it within the confines of the width of the penalty area.  He looks like he totally gets it now and it is embracing it whereas he had previously looked a bit lost. His movement to lose his marker and the first time left foot finish for the first goal was absolutely brilliant. He always seems incredibly reluctant to use his left foot but today when he had no choice, had to take the chance first time and he just rolled it perfectly into the corner.

We didn't have a single player today who played badly. The fullbacks were absolutely awesome and West Ham had no idea how to defend against them. West Ham had set up with a right back at left back and a midfielder at right back so two players out of position so they needed the wide midfield players to help them out and Antonio and Payet could not have been less interested in doing so. Ryan Bertrand is now obviously fully fit and his running and general terrorising of the right side of the Hammers defence was a joy to watch. I am still at a complete loss how Oriol Romeu managed to go 80 minutes without getting booked and the only time when it looked like he might was when Zaza had that horrible fucking dive. Not that they were tested much but Virgil and José were absolutely imperious today and consequently Fraser had nothing to do.

It’s the role of the wide midfielders in the diamond that I don’t think I fully understood and was one area that I didn’t feel was working in our earlier games but today, Hojbjerg and Davis were so energetic and both had a really good chances to score so it shows that when it's played properly, the diamond produces entertaining attacking football and we keep clean sheets as well. Love it.

I've forgot to mention Redmond who was exactly what he wasn't in the last away game at Arsenal and perpetual motion that ran the defence ragged and then there was Tadic.  Can you imagine the wankfest if Pogba had managed to drop a shoulder and beat the goalkeeper without touching the ball?  No and it wouldn't happen because Carlton does not have the level of ability that Tadic has. That was an absolutely outrageous natural piece of skill.

Everyone seems to be queueing up to blame the ground for West Ham's woes. Yes, as a football stadium the ground is complete shit but let's not get away from the fact that the West Ham team was completely outplayed. I always thought that West Ham overachieved last season with Payet being on fire for virtually all of it. I also wondered how Bilic would cope with any sort of crisis as I can see him being the sort to just throw his toys out of the pram and storm out (not that many managers actually quit these days). When you start playing players in the wrong position all over the shop then usually it's the sign of a confused mind who is going to struggle to sort things out. It has to be said that it couldn't happen to nicer owners, the Dildo boys and Karren Brady.  It might not turn out to be one of your better business decisions Karren… maybe Lord Sugar will have a word.

It’s ironic that most Hammers fans would rather be playing at the Boleyn and there was a video this week of part of it being blown up.  Now there’s a chilling reminder that you can’t go back.  When you consider the amount of effort that Gold and Sullivan put into the ‘fucking’ industry, it's ironic that in chasing this move to the Taxpayer Bowl, they may have completely fucked what was a good traditional football club. The whole move was wrong and it completely stinks and for that reason alone I hope it completely finishes on their face and it would be fucking hilarious if they got relegated. If memory serves correctly then I believe they pay even less to rent the stadium if they go down.  It’s enough to make Russell Brand choke on his jellied eels.  Wanker.

Anyway, West Ham’s problems are theirs alone as we have a nice little trip to Israel on Thursday for a Europa League game against Hapoel Be’er Sheva. Expect the team to be rotated but expect the same style of football. After their win in Milan then a point would be a very good result before we return to play champions Leicester City on the Sunday afterwards.  Get in!