Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Premier League Match 23 - Manchester United 0 The Other Team 1


Have I Told You How Much I Hate van Gaal?

The single most enjoyable result of last season was winning at Old Trafford.  It’s great because you know that they eyes of the plastic football supporting world are on you and gnashing their teeth as you have the impertinence to go to Old Trafford and leave with 3 points.  You know that no one is going to acknowledge that you deserved to win and you know that all the coverage will focus on United and if your team could be edited out altogether, then they would be.  It was absolutely brilliant to beat them up there for the first time since 1988 and I don’t want to be greedy but I want some more.  We seem to always find a way to make a mess of the home game against them so this will have to do.

Considering that they are the biggest club in the country, if not Europe in terms of revenue and expenditure, the Manchester United of this season have been absolutely shite in terms of entertainment and style of football.  It’s been hilarious watching Louis Van Gaal spend £250 million and totally fail to mould all their ridiculously expensive signings into a cohesive unit.  There was no thought when recruiting of what style of football the manager wanted to play and they just spent money and loads of it when they could, horribly over paying more often than not.  Nearly all of their post-Ferguson buys haven’t been great.  Even Morgan Schneiderlin has spent most of his time on the bench and he’s not been the worst of the signings.  Darmian has been woeful, Depay has hardly set the world alight and Martial has been shunted out to the wing to accommodate a clearly past-it Rooney.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a decent player but he’s not top level and isn’t good enough for a team who has designs on winning things.  As he gets older, the grannies he hangs around in become more socially acceptable as conquests though.  

Talking of old - they’ve still got the pedestrian Carrick, they’ve signed the clearly unfit and immobile Schweinsteiger who still has the laughter of Bayern Munich ringing in his ears as they took however many million of United’s money for him.   Also, United have still got Plan B Fellaini, the haircut who they can smash the ball up to.  Phil Jones unbelievably still gets a game when fit and Daley Blind is towing a caravan and a bus and a lorry at the same time.  The joke is that they’re currently 5th in the table despite all this.

We play them at a time when their results have picked up, much like ourselves.   They went through a crap run at the same time we did but three of their last four games have resulted in narrow wins at home to a freefalling Swansea, at home to League 1 Sheffield United with a last minute penalty in the cup and a spawny as you like one-shot-on-target win at Anfield.  The one entertaining performance was at Newcastle when they proved they couldn’t attack and defend in the same game in a 3-3 draw.  Their results may be holding up but they really are nothing to be scared of.  Having said that – they have only lost once at home in the league this season.

Saints should be going into this game with confidence and the main question is what formation Koeman will go with, with the 3-5-2 bringing the two home wins.  I’m expecting the same formation and the same starting XI as last week but could well be wrong.  Last years win there was built on a solid defence with Big Vic and Morgan ruling the midfield and Pellè battering them up front.  Maybe Romeu will be selected with Vic.  I do feel though that with the slow Blind at centre half, Mané and Long will give them more problems than Graziano.  The more pace we can get in the side today the better.  Then of course there’s Charlie Austin who is apparently fit and I imagine will be on the bench.

When the United team was announced, I was delighted to see Fellaini in it because he’s shite.  If he’s playing you know that a large part of the United tactic is going to be to lump it up the field which will play into the hands of Fonte and van Dijk.  In the last few years against United we’ve had to worry about Robin van Persie who always scored against us and was genuine World Class but this year we’re up against Jesse Lingard who looked average playing in the Championship for Brighton.  Morgan is playing, probably due to the absence of Schweinsteiger and Carrick so that’ll be an interesting battle with Big Vic.  There is a surprise in our team in that Steve Davis isn’t fit and is replaced by Tadic.  JWP has also returned to the bench despite his two goals last week and Clasie is back.  It looks like a subtle change in formation then as I can’t imagine either Mané or Tadic playing the midfield role like Davis does.  Charlie Austin is on the bench, Pellè is nowhere and for novelty, we’ve gone for our second choice keeper in Stekelenburg for the bench so Kelvin is now reduced to sitting in the stand wearing one of those hate with bells on it in his role as Court Jester.  Come on Saints, we can beat this shit.

The start of the game is a typically cagey Man United home game type of affair.  The ball is not really sticking up front for us and we allow United a break and the ball ends up with Martial, running at us from the half way line.  As we retreat, Bertrand pulls out a perfectly timed ankle tap to bring down the one United player I’m a bit worried about and gets away without a booking.  It’s promising that the ref doesn’t appear to be immediately swayed by where he is.

There really is not much going on.  We look very solid and they don’t look like breaking us down.  As they can’t get past our defence, Blind tries a shot from 40 yards.  It’s a decent strike but straight at Fraser who doesn’t have to move.  We all know Rooney has a slow brain and it seems to think that he’s 18 again as he tries a long ranger from the left and it nearly hits the right corner flag.  Those used to fly in a decade ago.

Every United great that there’s ever been must die inside a little every time they see Fellaini on the team sheet.  What’s his purpose?  As far as I can see it’s for de Gea to aim kicks at and he flicks them on.  Well that’s what he does if he wins the ball.  If he doesn’t then he elbows people and there’s a blatant one on Big Vic and the referee who is five yards from it, does nothing. Not only is Fellaini complete shit, he is a fucking animal piece of shit as well.  Two minutes later there’s a challenge for a loose ball with Clasie and Clasie ends up with stud marks down the top of his hamstring.  Play on…. And this time Bertrand pulls out a superbly timed challenge to stop Martial.

Our best first half chance comes on about 35 minutes as Clasie plays a nice first time ball up to Mané and he plays a 1-2 with Tadic whose chip back to him is perfect by Sadio makes a bollocks of controlling the ball coming over his shoulder and it bounces off his left knee and he ends up playing an air shot as the ball runs through to de Gea.  Falling on your arse isn’t going to impress the Old Trafford hierarchy is it Sadio?

It has to be said that Sadio is having a bit of a mare.  He’s working hard and closing United down well but the ball keeps bouncing off him and coughing up possession.  One last bit of excitement for the United faithful before half time as Lingard cuts in from the right and scuffs a shot which clearly flicks off of Bertrand and gets given as a goal kick.  Excellent – we’ve got Wayne pulling his vein-popping-forehead thing at the ref.  Puce with rage. Twat.

Half time and I have never been so comfortable in my belief that United are incapable of scoring.  It would be nice if we could put a bit more together up front but for that to happen, Mané has to keep the ball a bit.  Our midfield has been excellent so far with Clasie and Big Vic totally eclipsing Schneiderlin and that Spanish bloke who they paid £30 million for, whatsisname?

Van Gaal has decided that the Dirty Elbowing Poodle Twat is an embarrassment to the United shirt and replaces him with Juan Mata who is a good player and you wonder how he didn’t get selected in the first place.  United start the second half well and are playing with a bit of purpose.  It’s still not hurting us though and Fraser hasn’t had any dodgy moments at all.

After 15 minutes of mainly United possession in front of us, Mané wins the ball and runs it out of defence down the right with United players trailing in his wake.  He gets his head up and hoofs a huge crossfield ball towards Long, Darmian gets up and flicks it away and Shane batters into him.  Everyone’s down, trainers on, Shane gets up and Darmian doesn’t, so on comes McNair, who is shite.

We’re not being helped by the ref who is not giving Long anything despite Smalling and Blind taking turns in sitting on his shoulders when he tries to win the ball.  Shane manages to get a clean jump at a Clasie corner and his header flicks off a defender and away from another corner.  Bertrand’s delivery from the other side finds Big Vic at the back post who eases Rooney out of the way and heads a foot wide.  Both of these corners feature Virgil van Dijk’s shirt being pulled off his back by Smalling in full view of the referee.  Last week Smalling gave a penalty away at Newcastle for wrestling at a corner so you’d think the ref’s would be looking out for it like they were then Ryan Shawcross got pinged two weeks running for Stoke for the same thing.

It’s sub time for us as we approach 70 minutes with Tadic and Clasie being replaced with JWP and Romeu which makes us more combative in midfield and more dangerous from set plays.  No team looks like creating much in the next 10 minutes and then the moment we’ve been waiting for as Mané is off to be replaced with Charlie Austin.  Van Gaal has sent on Januzaj, who as you all remember was going to be the next Pele when he scored on his debut a couple of years ago.  Since then he’s done  nothing expect get loaned out to Borussia Dortmund where he did fuck all and they sent him back as not fit for purpose.

85 minutes and Austin flicks the ball over Blind and heads for the corner.  He holds off Blind before Januzaj comes steaming in and barges him over.  What a fucking stupid challenge as he was going nowhere.  Free kick to us and JWP delivers it, Austin loses McNair and powers a header down into the bottom corner…. And Southampton go mad.  Get the fuck in there.  It’s as amusing as you like as all the Saints players run to the corner where the away fans are up in the gods and all you can see on the replays is dumb looking United fans filming the Saints celebrations on their iPads.  Arseholes.

There are three minutes of normal time remaining and we’ve won.  Sorry but we have.  They’re shit and even the board going up with 5 minutes on it doesn’t bother me too much because they’re shit, our defence and keeper are amazing and it’s over.  We create another chance as Austin breaks forward, finds Shane and the ball bobbles out to Romeu who shoots first time and brings a decent save out of de Gea.  There is time for one minor wobble as Cédric challenges Rooney for a header and the ball drops to Januizaj but luckily, he’s shite and his shot goes wide of the far post and Fraser had it covered anyway.  Rooney didn’t see it because he was pathetically arguing with the referee for a penalty for no reason at all other than that he was losing again, to Southampton again, at home again.

Game over – I await in interview with the granny shagger who will no doubt say they were the better side and were unlucky and all that shit.  Bollocks – we did a job on them pure and simple.  Defend properly and they can’t hurt us and take your chances.  Not bad for a game plan and it worked a treat.  I expect Ronald enjoyed that.

It doesn’t matter how shit United are.  When this game is put in a box, it’s still going to have ‘Manchester United, Old Trafford’ written on the side.  We’ve been dicked many times up there before so to come away with a win at any time is marvellous.  The most predictable thing in the world now is that for the next three days it will be all about them.  We’ll barely get a mention and whilst that would have boiled my piss a few years ago – I’m intending to just sit back and enjoy the teeth gnashing, sense of entitlement and the window licking.  Hopefully I’ll get some Twitter abuse from twats in Thailand, America and Cornwall like I did last year.  Louis van Gaal will get most of the flak and all the focus will be on him which is somewhat disrespectful for a manager who has won practically everything there is to win in the game.  His arrogance doesn’t help him but it seems to draw attention away from the players he has – who are shit.  I’m sure that Ronald will feel sorry for his fellow Dutchman, he said sarcastically.

Match of the Day was incredible on Saturday night in that unless you were concentrating, you would have wondered who United were playing as they weren’t mentioned.  The papers next day were running a story that Mourinho has written a six page love letter to United about how he wants the job.  Utter shit, just like the story that they’d interviewed Guardiola last week.  No chance United fan boys, you have van Gaal and shit owners and a shit CEO who pays £30m for players who are worth £10m.  Long may it continue. Twats.

Anyway, fuck United.  We were the better side out there and played the better football and when we attacked we attacked with pace and purpose, comfortably keeping United at arms length and just waiting for the moment.  I never felt for one second that United would score and I thought we were guaranteed a 0-0 at least as the game went on… and then Charlie came on to win a free kick off the clueless Januzaj and then to get on the end of the cross.  What a debut that is.  The keeper and back three were in ‘cigar’ mode today – so cool and unhurried.  As a unit they were superb and if any of them were ever beaten, then another would cover over and sort it out.  It’s no coincidence that since we’ve had Virgil, José and Ryan as the back 3, we haven’t let in any goals.  Part of that of course has been down to the return of Fraser Forster who fielded the one shot on target that United managed – the 40 yarder from Blind that was straight at him and that was it.  His presence is as huge as the effect he has on the defence. Cédric and Targett both had effective games without being too much involved as United don’t attack much at all and especially down the wings.

It was really interesting to see Clasie on the same pitch as Schneiderlin today.  Clasie was brilliant in his 65 minutes on the pitch with his tenacity and passing and he also threw the old decent corner into the mix as well.  His partnership with Big Vic looked immense today and the two of them totally ruled the roost against Morgan and the Elbowing Poodle Twat in the first half and against Morgan and the Invisible Whatsisname Thingy Herrera after the break.  You can say (and I have) that Big Vic plays well against the big teams because he’s auditioning but just maybe he needs the big games to truly perform.  He was outstanding today, even after picking up that oh so accidental elbow in the forehead from that useless twat.

Tadic and Mané flattered to deceive a bit but combined superbly for the chance in the first half when Sadio played an airshot and Shane Long did his usual and chased absolutely everything without in truth, looking like scoring.  And then there was Charlie.  Any incidental coverage we will get in the aftermath of the game will centre on him and the fact that fans of other mid-ranking sides like ourselves, didn’t buy a player who is a proven goalscorer at this level.  It was widely predicted that he’s come on and score and so it came to pass.  The way he found space in the crowded penalty area was key and gives great encouragement that if we create the chances, he will finish them off.  That’s three games in a row when Ronald has put a sub on and within 5 minutes he’s scored.

3 wins in a row, up to 8th in the league and ahead of Stoke and Palace who are widely thought to have had good seasons so far.  Next up we have Arsenal away on a Tuesday night and they are attempting to make a mess of their best chance to win the league for 12 years.  It’s the FA Cup next Saturday which is a competition that we’ve decided to withdraw from this year so hopefully they’ll be knackered and pick up a few injuries and we can give them a real run for their money.  They’ll be keen to avenge the 4-0 defeat at SMS but maybe they’ll be scarred by that.

Now to sit back and continue with watch the media Man United show.  Twats.


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