Premier League Match 21 - Southampton 2 Watford 0

"I Have Come to Fix Ze Washing Machine, Ya"

Our recent run of ‘less than convincing’ results (ok... ‘shite’) means that this is suddenly a huge week, containing as it does, two winnable home games against Watford and West Brom.  Watford are up first and I have to say, I predicted them to go straight back down and never to be seen again, not scoring any goals in the process as all they had was untried foreigners all over the pitch.  Irritatingly and to their great credit, they’ve proved so far that I don’t know what I’m talking about by being solid and consistent all season and winning enough matches to be comfortably in upper mid-table.  The main focus has been on the strikers, Troy Deeney and Odion Ighalo who have been rattling in the goals that have meant Watford probably aren’t in the remotest danger of ending up straight back in the Championship.  Of course at some point they’ll probably get pillaged by the big boys, especially if Ighalo continues to score at his present rate but anyway, for now they still have their main man and we have to stop him and the rest of them today.

As he always does before a game, Ronald Koeman did a press conference and was asked about disparaging remarks he made about the Under 21s.  He pointed out that he was asked if anyone had impressed him in the under 21s in the game against Chelsea when we were poor despite winning 1-0.  He said ‘no’ which got interpreted as ‘none of the Academy are good enough and never will be’ as well as meaning he had fallen out with the board and didn’t believe in the philosophy of the club.  So, in short, it was taken out of context.  What a shocker that is.

A rumour did the rounds that someone was impressed with our Academy – Man United allegedly wanted to sign Jake Hesketh who has played half an hour for the first team.  Sounds like an agent trying to make a name for himself to me so we won’t bother too much about that one.

Over the past few summers we’ve had much teeth-gnashing as player after player departed from Southampton to join Liverpool.  Lambert, Lallana, Lovren and Clyne have all left with varying degrees of antagonism and disappointment from our point of view.   Brendan Rodgers may have gone but they now have Jurgen Klopp and he’s at it as well by taking another jewel in our crown, Steven Caulker.  It’s not big or clever to laugh at your own jokes but I just have.  Here’s a club who are telling everyone they’re returning to the good old days and the good times are coming back etc and a new manager preaching ‘heavy metal football’ . Well they’ve got the ‘heavy’ bit right.  Who is Caulker’s agent?  He’s a genius whoever he is.  How do you sell that to a Premier league Club of Liverpool’s stature?  Relegated with Cardiff one year, relegated with QPR the next, can’t get a game at Saints ahead of Maya Yoshida, plays badly when called upon and his last game was a 6-1 defeat by Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool when he was torn a new arsehole but not before showing his full range of skills ranging from chronic ball watching to turning like the Titanic – after it had hit the iceberg.  He’s left, no one cares, Florin Gardos is nearly fit again and Jack Stephens is back.  The reaction of Liverpool fans is funny as it mirrored my own when we signed him....”give him a chance”...”the manager will bring the best out of him” .... “it’s only short term cover”... etc.  Good luck with that – he makes Lovren look like Bobby Moore in comparison.

It appears, according to Ronald, that Stekelenburg had a hamstring injury after the last match and this is why he pulled Fraser Forster out of the Under 21s match on Monday that he was due to play in.  The bottom line is that if Maarten isn’t fit then Fraser will start and if this comes to pass, whilst Fraser would probably have wished for another practice game, this is great news.  If not tonight then it’ll be in the next week or so.  I’m sure he’ll be a bit rusty but having a keeper who actually makes some saves might be a good thing.  Other titbits include the expected return to fitness of all of Graziano Pellè, Ryan Bertrand and Cédric Soares.  The first two will most likely start if fit and I can’t believe I’m saying this but it doesn’t really matter who plays out of Cédric or Roberto Carlos Martina.

On the way to the ground, I’m half way cross the Itchen Bridge and the ground is shining brightly over to the right and it’s a really clear evening.  I verbalised that to my two daughters who have replaced my son and Dad as attending this game and then it pissed down.  I love it when it rains when you’re walking on the Itchen Bridge as there’s nowhere to hide and you just get fucking soaked.  We eventually get to the ground and are about to get through the turnstile and someone turns up the intensity of the pissing rain for 30 seconds, long enough to get absolutely fucking soaked.  Terrific.

Team news is that both Targett and Bertrand are playing and Pellè is not.  The big news is that Fraser Forster is back in goal which is terrific.  So, we have our first choice goalkeeper on the pitch and with Kelvin Davis, our 4^th choice on the bench.  I don’t get the last bit as Gazzaniga was there for the warm up.  Are we playing Bertrand in midfield then?  No – as the game kicks off it become apparent that Ryan is on the left of a back 3 with Targett at wing back where he was crap on Saturday.  Cédric is back on the right which is harsh on Martina who was decent against Palace.  The first action of the game is Romeu thinking he’s got a chance from 40 yards and sending it into orbit.

Watford are sat very deep whenever we get the ball with all 11 in their half.  Maybe it’s because they have an oil tanker playing at centre back.  Yes, the one player who stands out aside from Deeney and Ighalo for Watford is the centre back Prodl who is fucking enormous.  I mean, he’s tall but he’s properly fat and slow as fuck.  I don’t like to take the piss out of opposition players (that’s a lie) but he has one of those stupid ponytails sticking out of the top of his head and the tache makes him look like a fat 70s porn star.  Sheffield Wednesday used to have a player who I nicknamed ‘Ron Jeremy’ for the same reason.  So, Ron is at the back and he looks shit.  Watford actually play nice football at the back and try and knock it around but they’re not quite good enough to do so and there’s always a sloppy pass waiting to happen.

After a quick burst of trying to be clever at the back, the ball goes to Watson who gives it away to Ryan Bertrand.  A quick pass puts Targett away on the left and before Nyom can get out to him, he has time to measure a cross and curl it behind the defenders, in darts Shane and flicks a header down and past Gomes and into the corner.  Great cross, great header, great start, 1-0.

Watford immediately push out more from the kick off and give the ball away once more to Bertrand and we’re away, to Targett to Mané and he’s running at Ron Jeremy who is going backwards as fast as his big fat legs will carry him.  Sadio gets to the edge of the box, cuts in side and it all opens up perfectly but his right footed shot is too close to Gomes who sticks an arm up and claws it away.  The resulting corner is taken by Bertrand and though there is no one near him, Gomes punches it out to Matt Targett who is a good 40 yards out but he’s full of confidence so fuck it, why not and it flicks off a defender and goes narrowly past the post.

We’re not letting Watford have any time on the ball and it’s great.  It’s led by Clasie and Romeu who are steaming around but they’re being back up by everyone else with Targett closing down Nyom who tries to clear but it hits Targett and bounces kindly for Shane who is on the bye line.  He has no angle to work with so he tries some sort of wildly optimistic chip over the 6 foot 6 goalkeeper and Gomes flaps it out into the middle where Cédric comes in and clatters a defender and gets somewhat harshly booked.  The defender who Cédric has clobbered stays down and the Northam try to get Fraser to give them a wave.  He’s not having any of it.

Cédric has a cunning plan to start an attack and does this by losing the ball on the right and allowing Watford to attack us.  Ighalo lines up Fonte and beats him but Bertrand has read it well and slides in to block the shot.  Virgil heads the corner away and with Watford having players forward, we are gone with Davis leading the charge, giving it to Clasie who has a chance to show his passing skills and put Mané clean through but he butchers it and underhits it, allowing Watford to clear.  It’s as bad as missing an open goal from 10 yards and Clasie knows it.

Wait, did I say ‘open goal from 10 yards’… More pissing about in defence from Watford and Jurado finds himself in the left back area which is the prefect place from which to try a suicidal ball across to Ron Jeremy.  Sadio is in before Ron can adjust his dressing gown and is clean through with just Gomes to beat.  He goes low and beats the keeper but he ball trundles into the outside of the post and wide.  Fucking hell… still only 1-0.

Jurado is obviously not happy with us only being 1-0 up so he tries again and again Mané gets in but he is wider this time and Gomes is smartly off his line to save at his feet.  It’s half time, we’ve played well and we should be 4-0 up and the fact that we are not means we are still susceptible to the ‘one on target shot scenario’ from the opposition.

Anyone who was expecting Watford to be better in the second half was probably immediately disappointed as the pattern continued with Targett putting in another great cross which resulted in Mané challenging Gomes and the pair banging heads.  Amazingly the ref didn’t blow for a free kick but no matter as the ball was headed off the line anyway.  It was another near miss though and each one from here on in was going to make things just that little more anxious.

Following a very over-enthusiastically received catch from Fraser, we attack again and Romeu plays a great ball over the top to Steve Davis who controls well and lashes it across Gomes and into the net.  Those who hadn’t seen the linesman’s flag go up celebrated the goal whereas the rest of us just sat there wondering how close it was. Very close as it turned out and there was no way that Ron Jeremy’s arse wasn’t playing him onside.  From the Chapel End where I sit there was a shout from behind me of ‘I could see that was onside from here lino’ which never fails to raise a smile.

Romeu is on fire and he crunches in a left foot shot which Gomes has to beat away and the keeper is back to his amusing best a minute later as a Cédric cross dies on him but he’s already made up his mind to punch it and ends up punching it about an inch off the ground.  There’s another loud groan as Virgil gets on the end of a free kick (which was awarded for Ron Jeremy slapping his arm across Long’s forehead) and knocks it across the goal and a sliding Long misses it by inches and Mané can’t turn it in at the back stick.  Shiiiiit.  And another as Long gets away on the right and squares in unselfishly to Mané who once again can’t get his shot on target.  Ron (Koeman, not Jeremy) has had enough and Mané is off to be replaced with Tadic.

Tadic is playing right up front which is interesting and whilst I’m still deciding whether I think it’s a good idea or not, Cédric chips forward, Steve Davis flicks on and Tadic is on the ball on the edge of the box.  He turns Anya and Ron Jeremy inside out to find space and shoots under Gomes and into the net.  Impact sub.  Get in.  Relax.

There is no reaction for Watford at all and Long nearly gets n the end of a Davis pass but for once, Big Ron Jeremy gets in the way.  We have time for the return of Graziano as he comes on for Davis.  It’a bit odd but Long has gone back into Davo’s position on the right of midfield, I assume to run around like a lunatic, allowing Tadic and Pellè to stay up front.  Yoshida is also on for Cédric at right wing back he only has 15 minutes to give away his usual goal.  Hang on... Clasie is still on the pitch... is that right?

Following a poor clearance from Tadic, Watford actually have a shot as Cathcart has a go but Fraser gets down well to smother it easily.  There’s an amusing incident where Long sprints down the right and then his legs seem to stop working in a co-ordinated fashion and he falls on his arse and injures himself.  Thirty seconds later and he’s up and chasing down the ball on the left wing.  The work rate from the Irishman has been nothing short of phenomenal.  Tadic lashes a late chance over the bar when he should have really passed it but it doesn’t matter and we’re back on track for today at least.

Awesome.  Basically it was a superb performance from first to last.  We started the stronger team, scored early and never let them have a sniff.  Most importantly, we kept playing for 90 minutes regardless of the match situation which was beginning to get a bit nervy until the second goal went in.  It’s no exaggeration to say we could have won by six and it was only down to the eccentric Gomes and poor finishing from us that kept it to two.  I will take a win though of any description and we can go into the West Brom game on Saturday, knowing that a win will have us all looking up the table again, rather than down it.

You can go down the whole team and everyone was excellent really – from having the Big Man back in goal too Shane Long running around like a lunatic up front.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a player run as much as that in one game as Shane did tonight.  I’m not one for looking at Opta Stats as no matter what stats say, I know certain things like that James Milner gives the ball away every 30 seconds and that Michael Carrick will give the ball away 90% of the time if put under pressure.  For distance covered and amount of sprints – Shane must have been off the charts today.

Following the Arsenal win, Ronald went to West Ham with a different formation and different players and we lost.  I hope that for Saturday against West Brom, we keep the same starting XI.  Graziano should stay on the bench especially seeing that West Brom have Olsson and MacAulay at centre backs and they’re both old and slow.  Elsewhere, it would be an absolute fucking travesty if Oriol Romeu gets left out to accommodate Big Vic coming back.  Romeu and Clasie were brilliant today.  Romeu is a better footballer than Vic with a better range of passing and he gets forward more and has more of a goal threat.  Also and most importantly, he wants to play for us and has his mind on the job and hasn’t acted like a tosser since the start of the season.  Vic is probably stronger in the tackle but that’s about it.  Clasie has his best game in a Saints shirt tonight and played for the whole 90 which is excellent news.  He was still going strong at the end too and this will prove to him that he can do it.  Hopefully he recovers well enough to play on Saturday.

When not confronted with a flying winger, Matty Targett has a great game at both ends of the pitch and there were a couple of calls in the back 3 which Ronald got spot on.  Playing Bertrand instead of Yoshida was really obvious but a great decision but also swapping José to the middle of the 3 was a great move too as he can organize things better from there and Virgil is quicker so why not give him more ground to cover.  Maybe if we persist with this formation then Bertrand and Targett could swap if the right winger is quick.

Watford… were shite.  Their captain Troy Deeney said they were shite after the game and they were.  A lot of it was down too us making them look shite as we bossed the midfield and never gave the defence time to play out from the back which is clearly what they wanted to do.  Ron Jeremy was properly funny in their defence though.  Massive great fat lump who couldn’t run, up against Shane Long.  Shite or otherwise though, they’re still above us in the table.

Another false dawn or a genuine turning of the tide.  Tune in Saturday to find out.