9th you say....! I spit on your 9th
It’s time for me to make an idiot of myself again and
balance being sensible against a desire to see things shaken up a bit. Here we go... Premier League Predictions.
1 Chelsea . Player to watch – Romelu Lukaku, Donkey –
Cesar Azpilicueta, Mule – Jon Obi Mikel
It’s all about the return of the special one and he’s
playing it cool by saying that Chelsea
won’t win it this year. Who’s he trying
to kid? Their squad is the best in the
league by a mile and it’s not as if they have a new manager getting used to the
English league. It’s all in place for Chelsea and the signing
of Schurrle, the return of Lukaku and
Essien from loan spells and the departure of Benitez makes them a bit of a
scary proposition. If Lukaku develops
and plays well then it gives them that striker that they were missing last year
while they waited for Torres to get his thumb out of his arse. Big JT will also be back in the centre of
defence and with Lamps still good for 15 goals a season despite being 46,
they’re going to take some stopping.
Mourinho of course will wind people up and he will sulk but we need
people like him. Chelsea Wanker in my office
will be unbearable.
2 Manchester
United. Player to watch – Wilfried Zaha,
Donkey – Tom Cleverley
I always liked David Moyes at Everton but he’s already got
that “Man United Manager” virus which has seen him complain about some sort of
conspiracy regarding them having tough fixtures. As a Saints fan, can I just say “Man City Chelsea ’s closest
challengers for the title.
3 Tottenham Hotspur.
Player to watch – Roberto Soldado, Donkey – Benoit Assou-Ekotto
This is the year that they stop letting all their fans down
and actually achieve something. Paulinho
and Soldado should be excellent acquisitions who will make a difference, especially
if they adapt to the English game quickly.
Still the guessing game goes on over Gareth Bale and whether he’ll stay
or go and I’m assuming he’ll stay for one more season. If he doesn’t then it’ll be the usual 5th
place finish. Their 1-0 win against us
at White Hart Lane last season was one of the best examples of ‘one man team’
I’ve ever seen – of course they have other good players but it will be
remarkable if they find a regular starting berth for Assou-Ekotto who must have
won a professional football contract in a raffle or have compromising pictures
of Daniel Levy on his phone.
4 Liverpool . Player to watch – Phillippe Coutinho, Donkey
– Jordan Henderson
Let’s get this straight – I don’t like Brendan Rodgers. I find him an unbearably smug tosser and I
hope he fails horribly but he’s not going to because at the end of the day –
he’s a decent manager who is building a very good squad at Liverpool. OK, he messed up with Borini and Allen last
year but the new players he is bringing in now (Mignolet) and the ones that he brought in in January (Coutinho,
Sturridge) are all going to make a difference.
Not only that, he’s getting rid of the players who are not good enough
for an aspiring Champions League side (Shelvey, Downing and Carroll) and he
also got rid of Reina who has been a great servant but has been pretty ropey
for the last couple of seasons. Still
short of a centre back with Carragher retiring (Kolo Toure not good enough) and
a strong midfielder to really challenge for the league but I expect them to do
better and shake up the Champions League places this season.
5 Manchester
City. Player to watch – Jesus Navas,
Donkey – James Milner
Quality over quantity on the signings front with Fernandinho
being the most expensive at a ridiculous £30 million. Jesus Navas will offer them the previously
lacking width but it’s up front where I think they’ll struggle with Tevez and
Balotelli gone and Jovetic and Negredo coming in. A new manager of course with Pellegrini and
if he’s decent and can spot hat James Milner is not a footballer then they’ll
be right in the mix. Having looked at
the list of arrivals and departures, I’ve realised that there’s no real logic
in my 5th place prediction but I’ve done it now so I’ll put it down
to ‘just a hunch’. Mind you, anyone who
remembers their performance in the FA Cup Final will think 5th is
generous.
6 Arsenal. Player to
watch – Jack Wilshere, Donkey - Per Mertesacker
When a team continually flirts with relegation (like Wigan last year), eventually it always catches up with
them and they go down. Arsenal have
continually flirted with not qualifying for the Champions League for the past 4
or 5 seasons and this is the year that they fail to make it. You cannot keep selling your best players and
bringing in inferior replacements or signing no one when everyone else is
strengthening. Whilst no one decent has
left this year, there’s no way Giroud for example, is going to make up for what
left to go to Old Trafford at the start of last season. Ironically, if Wilshere stays fit (big if)
they will probably be better than last season but teams like Spurs and
Liverpool are taking bigger strides forward and so I predict Arsenal will fall
back into the pack and be scrambling for a Europa League spot. Despite lots of rumours there’s been just the
one obligatory French / African youngster signed so far.
7 Everton. Player to watch – Kevin Mirallas, Weak Link –
Roberto Martinez
I don’t expect Roberto Martinez to turn Everton to shit
straight away so this season they’ll be fine even though he has already signed
a few Wigan players like Robles and Kone. By the sound of it, no one has come in for
Fellaini and Baines etc but before the end of September, expect a certain
former manager of theirs to come a-knocking.
Nikica Jelavic and Victor Anichebe make up their striking options aside
from Kone and this is the weak link though they won’t be short of goals with
Mirallas, Pienaar, Osman and Fellaini in midfield. The defence is decent with Howard, Jagielka
and DIstin and I give it two years before Martinez
dismantles this and buys a Colombian winger and tries to turn him into a full
back.
8 Swansea
City. Player to watch – Wilfred Bony, 2nd
Season Syndrome - Michu
Whilst it’s unlikely that Michu will have the impact of last
season, Michael Laudrup has pre-empted that problem by signing Wilfred Bony who
has been kicking about in Europe for a few
years. Early signs are very encouraging
so it looks like it could be another decent season for the Swans who have Europe to contend with which could test the squad
depth. Newcastle
had this issue last year and the arse fell out of their league form but I don’t
expect this to happen with Swansea . Good side and one of the best managers in the
division.
9 Southampton . Player to watch – Victor Wanyama, Sort your
life out – Gaston Ramirez
It’s something of a surprise that Saints have only signed
two players so far but quality over quantity is probably a good way to go. Dejan Lovren should make a huge difference
to the error prone defence and Victor Wanyama will ensure that Saints win most
midfield battles – not that they really struggled there last year with Cork and Schneiderlin
being one of the best midfield pairings in the division. They need consistency, especially against the
bottom half sides but if they can score the goals to reflect on the territorial
dominance we achieve in most games, then the season should be a successful
one. More goals are needed from the
likes of Rodriguez, Ramirez, Lallana and Puncheon as England ’s Number 20 can’t do it all
on his own. Still a centre back and a
pacy goalscoring winger short in my opinion but aside from that, the spine of
the team (Boruc – Lovren – Schneiderlin – Wanyama – Lambert) is very strong
which should enable a top 10 finish.
I’ll be there as Saints bid to be this years surprise package with
Mauricio Pochettino still doing his interviews in Spanish.
10 West Bromwich Albion . Player to watch – Matej Vydra, Not a footballer – Liam Ridgewell
Post-Lukaku, the Baggies have gone for a short term option
in Nicolas Anelka and a possible long term option in Matej Vydra who scored
loads of goals last year in the Championship with Watford . They were the best side I saw play against us
last year and they have to hope that both these strikers fit into the style of
play that Steve Clarke wants to play.
There may be second season syndrome with Clarke but West Brom have enough
about them to ensure they won’t be anywhere near the bottom three as the season
progresses.
11 Aston Villa. Player to watch – Christian Benteke
Despite a little wobble in the summer where he appeared to
want a transfer, Benteke remains and will be a key man again. I’m glad they’ve managed to hang onto him as
it pisses me off when as a mid-table club, you find a really good player who
then promptly gets picked off by a big club or Tottenham. The youngsters that Paul Lambert used all
last season will be the better for it and having survived, the club can push
on. I’m sure they’ll be in the bottom
half for most of the season but shouldn’t be as near to the relegation scrap as
last time.
12 West Ham United.
Player to watch – Andy Carroll, Donkey – Andy Carroll
Well you know what you’re going to get with Fat Sam
especially when your priority signing in a 6 foot 4 centre forward who is
superb in the air. I’m of course talking
about Andy Carroll. He’s also brought in
a supplier of crosses in Stewart Downing who will do better at West Ham than at
Liverpool as it will simply be a case of
getting the cross in. Most of the
crosses into the box will still come from James Collins who will be seventy
yards away but that’s another story. I
always feel with West Ham that the fans will turn quickly on Fat Sam if things
start to go wrong. They’ve had two
seasons of success with him in charge and so the style becomes of secondary
importance but should it start to go a bit wrong, Sam will abandon the
semi-decent football they play at home and revert to total hoofball and then
the unrest could start.
13 Newcastle
United. Player to watch – Joe Fucking
Kinnear, Donkey – Mike Ashley
With “best in the business” JFK pulling the strings in the
transfer market, Newcastle
have managed to sign just the one player who may turn out to be a rapist. Loic Remy is a decent player though so if he
stays out of jail, he should make an impact.
You can’t help but feel that something will blow up there during the
season and they have some very good players so in truth, could finish anywhere
between 8th and 18th.
14 Norwich
City. Player to watch – Gary Hooper,
Player I’d like to punch – Robert Snodgrass
They’re not content to be down near the bottom and like our
good selves are trying to get to the next level by signing decent players who
you wouldn’t usually expect them to get.
However – decent though van Wolfswinkel and Hooper are on paper, they
have to adapt and in Hooper’s case, prove he’s actually good enough, which I
have serious doubts over. Chris Hughton
saw them safe in the end last year though there were some serious rumblings
over their style of play before they finally got safe last year. I saw Delia Smith’s drunken half time rant on
the TV again the other day which even after all this time, was still crushingly
embarrassing.
15 Cardiff
City. Player to watch – Steven Caulker,
Reason to Dislike them – the Red Kit
16 Fulham. Player to
watch – Michael Jackson, Player who annoys me – Dimitar Berbatov
Same as last year – boring.
Have replaced a good goalkeeper in Mark Schwarzer with a good goalkeeper
in Maarten Stekelenberg and have been sold by Mohammad Al Fayed to a bloke with
a ridiculous moustache. Moustaches don’t
make a difference to how a team performs though and nor does a statue of Michel
Jackson at your ground which no matter how many times I mention it, never becomes more acceptable. If Moustache man had got rid of Michael
Jackson I’d have put them about 11th but as he’s still there they
can have relegation jitters all season and as for Berbatov “Keep calm and pass
me the ball” – piss off. With him and Adel
Taraabt in the side next season, they might need two balls.
17 Sunderland . Possible Fascist to watch – Paolo di Canio,
Donkey – Vito Mannone
Everyone’s favourite questionable fascist said at the end of
last season that he wanted to sign a new team of players and true to his word,
he has. Like with Newcastle , there is a mass of possibilities
regarding how the season could go and they could finish anywhere between 10th
and last. He’s signed some good players
(Giaccherini stands out) but you know that at some point of the season,
something is going to upset di Canio and then it’s in the lap of the gods as to
what happens. He did remarkably well to
keep them up last season and seemed to do it on force of personaility but that
will only get you so far. Good luck to
him though and I look forward to a Mourinho v di Canio clash in the press room.
18 Stoke City. Player
to watch – Mark Hughes, Ghost in the Room – Tony Pulis
How do some managers go from club to club, doing an average
to garbage job and still find Premier League Chairman willing to give them yet
another opportunity to rebuild their reputation. Yes Tony Pulis had gone stale and probably
needed to be replaced and Stoke need to start playing a bit more football but
in Hughes they’ve appointed a manager who is only slightly less dour in his
approach. It will be interesting to see
how they change. Can they really become
a passing side when you have a collection of players who are between 6 foot 4
and Crouchy? I can’t see Hughes lasting
the season and I can’t see Stoke staying up.
Still the Stoke fans wanted Pulis out and they got their wish. Careful what you wish for.
19 Hull
Tigers. Player to watch – None, Player Who’ll Regret Joining – Tom Huddlestone
They changed their name to Hull Tigers as ‘City’ wasn’t an
individual identity. They may as well
have changed it to Hull Nil as that’ll be their identity for much of the
season. As I write they’ve signed a new
central midfield in Tom Huddlestone and Jake Livermore from Spurs, the former
of which will be decent if he stays fit.
However, they are going to struggle like mad to keep their heads above
water and it’s a toss up between them and Palace for last place. Also, does anyone actually like Steve Bruce
? They’ve signed Allan MacGregor to play
in goal and he is decent but he’s going to need to be a cross between Gordon
Banks, Peter Shilton and Dynamo.
20 Crystal
Palace. Knob to watch – Ian Holloway
What a joy it is to have Ian Holloway back in the Premier
League where he thinks he belongs. Fair
play to him though as he’s managed to get a very average Palace team promoted
even though their main man Wilfried Zaha was being loaned back to them having
been transferred to Manchester United in January. Zaha of course will not be there for them
this season and neither for a while will be their top goalscorer from last
year, Glenn Murray, who is out injured until Christmas at least (the last I
saw). They seem to have had problems
bringing in players to help them survive and they won’t.
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