Premier League Match 1 - West Brom 0 Southampton 1

Just get out of the way!

Optimism abound as we arrive at the first game of the season away at West Bromwich Albion who of course, schooled us twice last year.  We were hopeful though as we were stronger than last year with the arrivals of Lovren and Wanyama and they were weaker with Lukaku back at Chelsea where he belongs and Steve Clarke having signed 48 year old Nicolas Anelka on a free transfer from his Chinese Club who promised him about £500,000 a week when they didn’t have any money.  West Brom have always been one of my favourite opposition teams because of their fans and the good natured banter that they dish out win or lose, so after today, I hope they have a decent season.

There were 8 places in our team that were nailed on and I expected the others to be filled by Clyne, Hooiveld and Guly but I was wrong and so I reckon, was anyone who had predicted it as Calum Chambers, Jose Fonte and James Ward-Prowse started the game.  The inclusion of Chambers and JWP meant that we had 4 English academy graduates in the starting XI, 3 of whom were 18 years old.  In addition to that we had 2 other English players starting in J-Rod and Sir Rickie and another two on the bench in Corky and Clyne.  I’m saying this like we should be awarded a bonus point or something but I’m personally quite proud of that little lot.  The rest of the bench is Superkelv, The Little African Bloke, Big Jos and Steve Davis meaning there is no place on the bus to The Hawthorns for Maya Yoshida, Punch or Guly – who drove the team up as compensation.

Away we go and West Brom immediately don’t look half as impressive as they did last season.  There doesn’t seem to be the pace and power that they had last year so there are 3 points for the taking if we execute properly.  One thing that may help us is by actually putting decent set pieces into the box and JWP is on them.  An early free kick and a couple of corners are put into the right areas which is an immediate improvement on last year. With the pressing game that Mauricio preaches it’s easy to see why Victor Wanyama was brought in. It’s because he presses the opposition on his own and our other 10 players can get on with other stuff

JWP is a central figure as he had the confidence to try a shot from miles out which swerved as it reached Foster but unfortunately was right in the middle of the goal and then his free kick delivery almost brought reward as it caused chaos with both Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana taking swings and not connecting properly before the Baggies cleared it.

On the half hour, Lallana finds space in the midfield after a decent ball from Lovren and feeds Chambers on the right who pulls out a superb cross to the back post where Sir Rickie does his job and heads it across towards J-Rod and Lallana who sticks it in the net.  Flag up, disallowed.  Why?  Lallana isn’t offside.  Apparently he’s given it against J-Rod who has just managed to become the first player in the new offside era (about the last 5 years) to be given offside for interfering with play.  How often does a player get given offside now without touching the ball – lino’s wait to see if the offside player touches it, or they’re supposed to.  Yes he was near the keeper but Foster wasn’t getting the knock back anyway and it made sod all contribution to the goal being scored by an onside player.  Bullshit decision.

West Brom aren’t making much impression on our defence, mainly because they can’t get past Victor the Beast but the ref helps them out by given a free kick for handball by Lallana.  It’s 30 yards out but Dorrans gives it a decent go, lifting it onto the roof of the net but the (incredibly slim looking) King in goal is not bothered.  Dejan Lovren is not giving Anelka a sniff at the moment with some pretty uncompromising play in the centre of defence.  In an effort to be old-skool, I’m listening to Dave Merringtitus on the radio and I swear he’s watching Lovren like normal blokes watch porn.  I’m listening to Dave as my internet feed has died.  I think it’s safe to say that as my broadband is through Sky and Sky have just put an injunction on some streaming sites, that I’m going to find it a bit more difficult this season.  So, welcome back Dave Merrington and his particular way of stating the bleeding obvious.

As half time approached, Lallana plays in Shaw who attacks the penalty area but decides to hit it from 20 yards.  It a decent effort but Foster parries it away comfortably enough.  Half time has been reached and it’s all a bit ‘last season’ in that we’ve dominated the game, created virtually all the chances and yet here we are at 0-0.

The second half starts in much the same way with Saints creating an early chance.  A JWP ball forward is won by Lallana in the air who knocks it back to J-Rod who smacks a decent rising shot onto the bar and over.  Big tough Adam, all 8 stone of him had gone in a little too hard on the giant Gareth MacAulay and so of course it was another Baggies free kick.

The middle section of the half saw West Brom come back into it as Long took time off from diving about to backheel a Ridgewell cross wide.  Two chances were also snuffed out at source as first Chambers blocked Morrison and then Lovren threw himself at Anelka to keep it at 0-0.

The 10 minutes between 60 and 70 minutes is called the ‘Gaston Zone’ as it’s when he will either get substituted or come on and it’s the latter as he replaces Lallana.  Five minutes later and J-Rod is gone to be replaced by Steven Davis which kind of suggests that Mauricio is settling for a point.  Foster is keeping us interested by letting back passes roll under his feet so I guess there’s always a chance.  More subs as Anelka and Long go off, with Long diving over the touchline and into the dugout before appealing to the referee to be replaced by Vydra and Rosenberg.

90 minutes are up and I’m happy to hold on for a draw but Shaw gets the ball on the left and bursts into the box where Mulumbu, possibly still throwing his dummy out over being booked for dissent a few minutes earlier and resplendent with his bald head with a ridiculous clump of blonde hair above his ear, tackles him with the wrong foot and over goes Shaw – penalty all day long.  What a ridiculously stupid tackle that was.  Think Phil Neville v Romania in Euro 2000.  Thanks very much.  Did anyone seriously think Sir Rickie was going to miss this week, no – nor did I.  Bang, bottom left, 1-0 and 32 out of 32 from the spot for the big man.

In the supposed three minutes that were added, West Brom threw the sink at it and a half clearance was thumped goalwards by the forehead of Billy Jones but King Artur plunged right to claw it away – a quite superb save to preserve two points.  The referee – now satisfied that 4 minutes is the new 3, blew his whistle and ended what was our first opening day Premier League win since Egil Ostenstad’s goal gave us a 1-0 win at Coventry back in the last century.

Get in there, what a fantastic result to start the season with especially given that we got humped twice last year by The Baggies.  The performances of the twin tanks, Lovren and Wanyama showed exactly why we paid the money and to balance that out, the three 18 year old Academy boys showed why we spend money on the Academy.  I think most of us looked at Butterfield and Richardson going and thought that we needed to sign a right back in case Clyne got injured or suspended but when you think about it, what are 18 year old Academy players for.  They’re to play when they’re needed and not necessarily play every week.  The exception to this of course is Luke Shaw who is a class above.  With rumours that Danny Fox is on his way, it appears that full back cover will be provided by Nathaniel Clyne’s ability to play on either flank.  Up front, we have Sir Rickie Lambert – enough said!

Mauricio looked unsurprisingly delighted with the result and I loved his (translated) answer when asked about the surprising choices of Fonte, Chambers and JWP.  He looked genuinely surprised at the question and said “why is it a surprise, they’re Southampton players aren’t they?”, basically saying that they’re in the squad, therefore they’re good enough to play.

Steve Clarke predictably tried to paper over the cracks by bitching about the penalty, saying it was soft and all that.  Only one team deserved the win and it was a penalty all day long.  One thing I didn’t realise though was that West Brom’s win at SMS last year was their only win in the last 10 games of last season, which basically means that he’s under pressure and talking bollocks in trying to deflect any unrest.

A brilliant weekend got even better on Sunday when weeks of speculation and denial and ‘he’s not interested in signing for Saints’ ended with the signing of Daniel Osvaldo from Roma for £15 million big ones.  A full Italian international striker who I understand can play right up front or in a withdrawn role which if true, means he can play both with and instead of Sir Rickie should the need arise. There’ll be many fans who assume that this means the Sir Rickie will now be a sub – may I just say ‘bollocks’.  Pochettino has spent the week praising the big man to the skies and talking up his England chances and he’s worked with Osvaldo before.  Do you really think that he thinks they’re incompatible?

Another major bonus is that when UEFA decide to bring in a rule regarding the number of nutters you have to have in your squad, the presence of Osvaldo and King Artur mean that we’re covered.  In addition, we also of course have a player who goes for a shite during a game.  Osvaldo has a long rap sheet of misdemeanours, the most immediately obvious being that he looks like Jack Sparrow but he’ll be popular with our fans as long a he doesn’t do any stupid shit like trying to grab the ball to take a penalty when Sir Rickie is on the field.  Could this transfer window get any better?  Aside from finding that Lucy Pinder has transferred to the seat next to me at SMS, I really don’t think it could.   Again, like Lovren and Wanyama, Osvaldo was linked with traditionally ‘bigger’ clubs but he’s decided to come to us.  Of course, we’ll be paying him shitloads but strikers who make a difference in the Premier League are not going to be cheap.  Love it!

What a brilliant start.

Next week we are at home to Sunderland and Hampshire Constabulary will have to be extra wary with the news that Boruc, Osvaldo and Paolo di Canio will all be in the same vicinity as eachother.  Afterwards the three of them are off on a night out and Guly’s driving.

Dani Osvaldo and translator rock up at Ocean Village