NPC Match 17 - Dagenham 3 Brighton 0

"You in my pocket now, You stupid bastardo"

In the two weeks since our last game we’ve had two 1-0 wins for England against Spain and Sweden, one achieved by defending for 90 minutes and scoring from a free kick and one achieved by being the marginally better of two poor sides. No doubt then that Nigel Adkins and Gus Poyet wouldn’t have approved. Ah Gus, he who made a complete bell end of himself after the game at the Withdean last year and who will ever forget his “Dagenham with Lambert and Barnard” comment.

To be fair, he’s been interviewed in the lead-up to this game and has been complimentary about us, pointing out that we’re top for a reason. He’s also said that Brighton were top last year – which of course is correct. Many Saints fans have somehow taken his comments to be another example of him having a pop but to be fair, he hasn’t and has left that to the Brighton fans who are still sore about Nigel’s comments last Christmas which, as I’ve previously said, were innocuous at best. So, both managers are being uncontroversial and both sets of fans are giving it the large one. Welcome back League football, we’ve missed you.

The main Saints news is that it appears we have (apparently) opened talks with Celtic over Jos Hooiveld joining permanently, which of course, is a good thing. Not many (including me) had heard of Jos when he signed but the big man has proved to be a very astute signing. He’s been pretty solid defensively, one horrible pass at Cardiff aside and seems to fit in well. News of his potential move has of course, not come from the corridors of power at SFC but via his agent who will, you’d have thought, now be on the Horse-Head-in-the-Bed Don Cortese Xmas Card List.

In the wider football world, worth a mention is AFC Totton winning 8-1 in the FA Cup 1st Round and setting up a live TV date with Sir Rickie’s old team Bristol Rovers, who were in the same league as Saints last year. Good luck to them as it’s nice to see a Southampton based non-league side pulling up a few trees. Oh yeah, and Carlos Tevez is still a twat, only this time he’s a stressed out twat and everyone’s a racist…. Luis Suarez, John Terry, Sepp Blatter and even dear old Gus has waded in with an ill-advised defence of Luis Suarez when there was really no need to comment.

To today and it’s one concession for another as I have the joy of taking my 7 year old son to the game as my Dad is on holiday. The last time I brought him was to a Carling Cup game when of course, none of his favourite players were playing. They are today though with Saints as you’d expect with Hammond instead of Schneiderlin in midfield. Deano of course, was playing against his former club and he’s about as popular as bad dose of the shits with their supporters. The bench saw the return of Lee Barnard for the first time this season in place of David Connolly who has a groin problem. Brighton name Craig Mackail-Smith up front who I wished we’d signed in the summer. They don’t have Wankergren in goal any more which is a shame but they have replaced him (not in goal, but in being a wanker) with Taricco who is their Assistant Manager and when he was playing for Ipswich and Spurs about 20 years ago, was always a Grade A cock. Being 47, I expect he’s mellowed now. They also have Greer playing who is their big hard man (allegedly) who missed the game at the Withdean at the tail end of last year.

If anyone had forgotten the story of that game, they were reminded by the video shown on the big screen before the match. Yes, it was a bit petty but it was the least the Brighton fans deserved after their Official Match Programme comments, banners and all that. Fuck ‘em.

To set the scene... today in my little section of the Kingsland, there is me (43 on Sunday), my lad (7), Bill (84), Bill’s two 50+ year old sons and a couple of 70+ year olds. Behind us there are the Chuckle Brothers (combined age 212, combined IQ 23). The 70+ year old who sits in front of us who had a pop before my lad had even kicked his seat once last time, has decided to keep quiet this time. My lad hasn’t kicked any seats yet, or fallen off his chair, or closed it on my leg or my hand. The big foam hand he brought to the last game is not present as it has been destroyed by our dog. I couldn’t believe how many times I had to hit the dog with it before he got pissed off and ripped it into pieces.

The game starts and Brighton fall into their default mode of everyone behind the ball. To be fair, they’re having a decent amount of possession which they keep going until the ball goes anywhere near Billy Paynter who looks like a centre half playing up front. When Paynter gives us the ball back, we are sluggish in possession and struggling to get any movement going.

The lack of incisive play in forward areas results in shooting from miles out. Firstly the Gulyman shoots from somewhere near West Quay and Harper just picks it up, before Craig Noone cuts infield from the right and evokes the memory of Jason Puncheon by lashing it into the top corner ... of the Chapel Stand.

The ref gets card happy on 20 minutes as the Gulyman slides in on Greer. Yes it’s a foul but not worth a booking and certainly not worth 5 Brighton players around the ref including Taricco, the Assistant Manager and Right Back who is waving his arms around and generally getting involved where he shouldn’t. You’re not the captain so shut up. I think I may have yelled out something along the lines of ‘oh Piss off and get on with it’ before remembering I had my 7 year old son sat on my knee. The ref is obviously irked with Taricco as he reverses a throw in decision when Taricco tries to pinch about 20 yards before taking it, going from one half to the other – as if he’s not going to notice, you fool.

It’s all a bit scrappy but Frazer goes all Ivan Golac and hammers forward down the wing before feeding Sir Rickie whose shot is blocked by Greer and it flicks off his hand but to give a penalty there would be harsh in the extreme. We have another shout for a penalty as Sir Rickie heads a ball back across despite Painter trying to rip his shirt off. Nigel changes the midfield to a diamond with Chappers going left and Corky right but there’s not enough time before half time for this to take proper effect.

Half time and Brighton have done pretty well in that they’ve stopped us playing with everyone working hard defensively. Mackail-Smith and Noone were covering the forward runs of Richardson and Fox but the problem was that this left Billy Paynter up front who has quite possibly been our best defender today. The Mighty Daggers can only play better in the second half and I have told my offspring that we’ve won 19 home games in a row and if we don’t win this one then it’s his fault.

All is well with the world within three minutes of the restart as Frazer flies down the wing again before cutting back onto his left foot and swinging over a cross to the far post where it’s Sir Rickie against Noone and Tarricco. And the winner with a big thumping header into the net is Sirrrrrr Rickie Lamberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. Get in, 1-0 to the Dagenham.

Brighton have to open up a bit now and unsurprisingly, we find more space as Lallana puts Deano through, Harper comes out and Deano goes over. It’s either going to be a penalty or a booking for diving and it’s the latter. I have a bit of a problem with this as the keeper has caught him without touching the ball but he was looking for it (not a crime) and he didn’t have any interest in trying to score so I guess it’s fair enough. The Brighton fans are a forgiving lot and don’t give Deano any stick at all.

If the ref got that one right then he most definitely got the next one wrong as Fonte burst out from the back and found himself on the edge of the area. He lost it and then won it back again before Dunk grabbed his arm and threw him over. It’s a foul (a completely pointless one) and the lino gives it. The ref comes over, has a look and gives a penalty. It’s a bollocks decision even on first viewing as it’s about a yard outside the box and Brighton predictably go nuts. Taricco decides that having already pissed the ref off, it’s a good idea to get in his face and give him loads before going all bulgy eyed and incredulous as he gets sent off. He leaves the pitch tapping an imaginary back pocket? Is he talking about bribes here or what? It’s a good job he’s not in a position of responsibility, like being Assistant Manager or something like that. I mean, you wouldn’t want someone that hot headed and undisciplined in a position of authority would you? Still, it was nice of him to show my son what happens if you argue with referees. “Come on son, wave to the idiot as he goes off, bye-bye, cheerio, fuck off (maybe not).....”

After all that, the most predictable thing in the world, Sir Rickie, bang, bottom right, 2-0 and there’s a magnificent chant from the Northam of “2-0 to the Dagenham” at this point.

Brighton are in disarray now and a short kick out from Harper puts a defender right in the shit and he’s robbed by Deano who plays Sir Rickie through on the keeper. Harper comes out and Sir Rickie slips it past him and just wide of the far post. TV replays later prove that Harper made a great save but the ref missed it so the resulting goal kick just made it look like a bad miss.

Obviously a bit concerned with the prospect of the ref evening things up, Nigel removed the booked Deano and brought on Morgan, just in him for him to get carted high and late by Navarro who made his first meaningful contribution to the game by getting booked. Another penalty shout and another shocking decision as Sir Rickie rose to head the ball goalwards, only to be rugby tackled by Painter. Goal kick, of course.

Gus has decided that playing Dagenham with 9 men is pretty difficult so he replaces Billy Paynter with someone who can play football but it’s soon 3-0 to the Daggers as Tarricco’s replacement Calderon, clipped Sir Rickie’s heels as he was about to shoot. Penalty again. The ref once more covered himself with glory by blowing the whistle, bang 3-0. Oh hang on, the keeper had his back to it, take it again. Bang, top left, 3-0 to the Daggers and a hat-trick for Sir Rickie. Surely it’s the keepers’ problem if he’s not watching and also, what would have happened if the penalty had hit the post or something?

Brighton actually create a chance, or rather we create it for them as Richardson slices a clearance up in the air in our own penalty area, which Davis drops, forcing ‘body on the line’ defending from Corky and Chappers to get it clear. Brighton have given up now and so it’s ‘Ole’ time for a couple of minutes before Gulyman tries to curl one into the top corner and skies it.

More subs as the clock runs down with Lallana and the Gulyman making way for de Ridder and Barnard. Sir Rickie thumps a diving header straight at Harper from a Frazer cross before the subs both make a positive contribution with de Ridder beating a few players before optimistically trying to chip the keeper and just failing whilst Barney gets on the end of another Frazer cross and flicks a header just over.

Full time in what was ultimately an easy win. Brighton didn’t have a shot on target all game and the only action Kelvin had was our own doing as we hoofed a ball up in the air in our own area. On the TV Highlights on The Football League Show, Kelvin only featured in the tunnel before the game. Brighton and Gus will of course argue that the first penalty was the turning point but come on!!! It was already 1-0 and we were creating chances at will. If you argue about that you really are just arguing over the magnitude of the defeat. Like the Peterborough game earlier on this season, I reckon we’d have won by more against 11 men.

Gus was obviously upset in his post match interview and of course, mentioned the pen and asked what you can do when a decision is just so wrong. He’s right of course but as we all know, you have to get on with it. He didn’t mention his idiot assistant. Nigel concentrated on the positives but also vowed to look at why we were so poor in the first half whilst giving credit to Brighton for keeping it tight. Beneath the smile and the clichés for the cameras though, this must have been a sweet one.

The Taricco red card made it onto Twitter and the ‘pocket’ gesture was explained by Chappers and Lallana, saying that Taricco was saying he had them both in his pocket all game. We’ve got the away game at the Amex on January 2nd which is not far away so this particular pot should be simmering quite nicely by then.

I thought the Daggers were magnificent in the second half with Corky and Chappers really shining and Sir Rickie being unplayable at times. Brighton were awful, though a lot of it was tactical. I can’t understand how they can break their club record fee for a goalscorer (Mackail-Smith) and then make him chase Richardson up and down the wing for the entire match. CMS was never near enough to our goal to do what he’s good at (and he is good at it). As for Billy Paynter... Jesus..... if ever there was an argument against the loan system then this is it. Leeds loaned him out to a team in their own division because they thought he was shite, making a rival team weaker and them stronger... win, win. Also, why wasn’t Greer picking up Sir Rickie as well? Every time the ball went in the box it was Marcos Painter who was trying and mainly failing to stop him. Seems like the biggest defender and the captain, just didn’t fancy it.

On the way out of the ground, son and I are clapping the players off and when the last one has gone, as I carry him down the steps he starts talking to a random bloke. He explained the offside rule and how they calculate the amount on injury time before I managed to drag him away from a very confused looking Idiot Chuckle Brother.

Next up is Bristol City away in an away game we really should be looking to win. Bring it on...