Bedtime Story

A Fit and Proper Person, last week...

A little story to take our minds off of losing to Bristol Rovers…

One day, not so long ago, in a place not far away, a Premiership Football Club got itself into the sticky brown stuff by borrowing shedloads of money and living beyond its means without giving a thought to the fact that people who lend money, at some point will want it back. The Pretend Previous Owner wanted to sell but the only taker was a Fit and Proper Person with billions in the bank who, when it came down to handing the money over, despite being proven to be Fit and Proper by the Lords of the Land, turned out to be a man without a pot to piss in.

It came to pass after damaging delay that Man Without Pot did take over the (soon to be ex-) Premiership Football Club. He managed to finally complete the deal after the Pretend Previous Owner accepted his bid of IOU’s, empty rhetoric and wind. The Pretend Previous Owner, having sold everything that wasn’t nailed down, accepted this bid out of spite when he deemed that a bid from a rival consortium, headed by a conspiring current employee, was not acceptable because a member of said consortium had a legal issue with the Actual Previous Owner, who was in fact the father of the Pretend Previous Owner, probably, maybe, possibly, allegedly…

Man Without Pot, took control and publicly placed his faith in the Conspiring Current Employee in a move smacking of ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. Man Without Pot had previously claimed to have real friends who promised to lend him lots of money but when the Lords of the Land asked for their names, they all ran away including Tinkerbell who had suddenly run out of fairy dust and Aladdin’s Genie who had unexpectedly run out of wishes.

Meanwhile, the Conspiring Current Employee become a hero with the Club’s fans by making a few patronising statements thereby somehow glossing over his role in the whole financial mess which started all this off. The fans wanted to blame the pantomime villain known only as Satchel Face and not their new hero who, after all, was the second in command (if you ignore the Pretend Previous Owner) and you would think he would have at least some say in the financial strategy of the club.

Man Without Pot then disappeared off to America for a few weeks only to return for home matches looking like an overfilled plastic bag with a hat on, in his ‘Large Boys’ size away kit. Whilst away he span fantastic tales on other peoples websites of searching for new friends to lend him money and promised to come back to his new home and tell the fans all about it. He then changed his mind and decided to cancel the meeting so as not to distract the players who after all, were doing so well. Man Without Pot was loudly abused by the Conspiring Current Employee before changing his mind and holding the meeting anyway, having obviously decided that this would not have a detrimental effect on the players performance levels. He was of course correct, as the next result was consistent with the previous six.

At the meeting, Man without Pot announced that he would ‘inject £50million’, which is a hell of a lot of drugs. Not drugs you fool but £50million of money into the club… money which if it actually exists, has been borrowed from other people who will one day want it back etc….

Round we go and start again….

There are two jokes here. One is a very bad one on the Portsmouth fans and one is that the Premier League could sanction this complete clown as a Fit and Proper owner of a club.