FA Cup 5th Round at home so West Ham United,
currently chasing a Champions League spot at the top end of the Premier League,
powered in a slightly different way than all the dildos that Gold and Sullivan
built their empire with.
West Ham arrive at St Mary‘s tonight having hit a bit of a sticky patch in the
league but still riding high on the table. Every West Ham fan I talk to is
bemoaning the fact that they didn’t sign anybody in the January transfer window,
which they see as a sure-fire sign that the great start they have had to the
season will ultimately go to waste as players get tired and David Moyes doesn’t
have trust in the other players in the squad. On the other hand, our Ralph has
used FA Cup this season so far to play fringe players who don’t necessarily get
a run out in the Premier League but surely the experimentation stops today. Today it should stop because we’re not playing a side from the Championship,
we are playing one of the better sides in the Premier League who have been
above us in the table all season.
The general consensus of opinion amongst the fans was that this is the most
important game of the season, certainly more important in the upcoming away
game at Villa in the league. The early signs that Ralph and the club were prioritising
this game over the Villa game were not good, with the advert for the game put
out of the club social media channels, carrying pictures of the likes of Yan
Valery, Jack Stephens and Shane Long. 6.30pm, an hour before the kick-off, was
certainly going to be an interesting time.
7.30pm evening games are a pain in the arse because there is never enough time
to comfortably get to the game and there is always a traffic nightmare. At 6:30
when the team news was announced, I was somewhere in deepest darkest Bevois Valley,
moving at 2 miles an hour in a queue of traffic after failing miserably to find
a quicker route across Southampton. Here
goes Adam Blackmore…. Caballero, Walker-Peters, Perraud… okay, so far so good…
Valery, Stephens… what the fuck… is that the centre back partnership to play
against Antonio?…. Ward-Prowse of course, Diallo… okay, giving Romeu a rest…. and
now ladies and gentlemen, your four striking Saints, your cutting edge, your
goal threat will today be provided by Smallbone, Djenepo, Adam Armstrong and
Long…. Fuck it, shall we watch it in the pub… no wonder the tickets were only a
tenner.
In the queue for the burger van, there was only one topic of conversation. “What the fuck is this starting line-up?” said
the bloke in front of me to his mate. I started talking to my son about how
Ralph would’ve been about 8 years old in Austria and he would have certainly have
watched Bobby Stokes score the goal in 1976. “Disrespect of the Competition”, said someone
else walking past…. On the face of it, it really didn’t make any sense to be
changing nine players. The kicker is of
course that West Ham had a first choice line-up on the pitch.
Half an hour later I was sat in the ground, listening to the Saints Brass at
full volume and I’m very chilled about what is about to happen. What I think is
about to happen is that we are going to get beaten fairly comfortably but, you
never know.
Away we go on Adam Armstrong is clearly fired up to make an impression, having
been given the chance and he chases down Areola in the West Ham goal and he’s
shanks his clearance as far as Djenepo who from 40 yards, takes a shit touch
and then tried a shot which actually heading closer to our goal than it is to West
Ham’s. West Ham actually break from it on a long ball over the tops finds Bowen,
who loses Stephens temporarily but Stephens gets back well to knock it out for
a corner.
We get away with that one and immediately, another chance from West Ham as they
build down our right and eventually the ball squirts across to Soucek who is 15
yards out and just side-foots it wide under no pressure. Strange player Soucek. Has a relatively big
reputation because he scores a few goals but every time I’ve seen him play, he
is look likes an un-coordinated donkey.
More West Ham attacks with Antonio bursting down the left and getting a cross
over and there is Bowen in the middle. I’m
expecting this to hit the net but Perraud follows him in and does enough to put
him off.
On 20 minutes, Saints begin to build a bit of pressure for the first time with Smallbone
combining with Long and Shane fires it across the box and it’s cleared. We win
the ball back and KWP knocks a square ball to the opposite full-back and Perraud
takes a touch and fuck me, it’s thunderbastard time again as he absolutely rips
it with his left foot into the far top corner of the net. Again you’ve maybe
got half an eye on a goalkeeper but he has absolutely fucking smashed that, so
it’s hard to criticise him too much.
In the aftermath of the goal, West Ham don’t seem to have been shaken into life too much and we have another chance as Djenepo actually manages to kick the ball in the right direction and finds Armstrong breaking through the middle - but instead of shooting when he got to the edge of the box, Armstrong tries to slide in Smallbone but under hits the pass and the excellent Declan Rice clears up. Chance butchered.
Half time and a quick re-appraisal of the situation. West Ham aren’t great and we could actually win this if we don’t fuck up. With 5 subs to bring on, Ralph could make huge changes in the 2nd half so maybe there is methos in this madness. To that end, when the teams emerge for the second half, Ralph has decided that the Djenepo Make-A-Wish experiment is over and we bring on Stuart Armstrong. Shane Long has played well in the first half but has clearly picked up some sort of knock from a hefty challenge in the back and so he is off to be replaced by Armando Broja.
The start of the second-half sees Stuart Armstrong playing on the left and he produces one of his burrowing runs into the penalty area before the ball is eventually fed back to JWP, who tries to catch Areola out at the near post but puts it just wide. Ralph makes another sub not too far into the second half, only this time, it seems like a prearranged one with KWP coming off to be replaced by Livramento.
A few minutes later, West Ham put something together down our right as Diallo gives the ball away and this leaves Perraud out of position and eventually they win a corner off of Valery. Bowen curls it into the near post where Big Willy makes a big cock of himself by flapping the ball onto the back of The Cat Kicker and it’s knocked across the goal and Antonio knocks into the net from yard out. For fuck’s sake. Oh listen, the West Ham fans are here. I am now feeling that we will definitely lose this now.
A few minutes later…. a long board from Stephens and thanks to Dawson dithering, Broja is clean through with Dawson struggling in his wake. Broja has got the ball stuck under his feet and he’s trying set himself to shoot when Dawson puts the challenge in and trashes him but he’s come away with the ball. Referee Andre Marriner wave’s play on. How the fuck can that not be a foul given the angle that he tackled him from. He must have gone through him - Fuck off. Hang on? Have we even got VAR in this game? I know we have that stupid situation where some FA Cup games have got VAR and some haven’t but surely this one has, given that it’s two Premier League clubs playing a Premier League round. The game goes on for a little bit and then there is a stoppage. Up on the scoreboard - VAR checking for possible penalty - well this will be interesting?
“I am Andre Marriner, Andre the Giant to my friends, Fee-fi-fo-fum…”
“Very good Andre, this is Stockley Park – want me to look at the penalty shout”
“No need mate, Dawson came up with the ball – the Chelsea reject is moaning but….”
“Looks a bit suspect to me mate”
“This cannot be, I am Andre the Giant, I cannot be wrong”
“I’ve had a look mate and he doesn’t get the ball until he’s kicked his foot away”
“And I’m supposed to take your word for that?”
“Tell you what Andre – I’ll send you to the monitor….”
“Yes, do continue”
“… and you can stride over like a colossus”
“Stride like a Colossus you say? – I like the sound of that…. I am striding… I am here”
“Coming right up”
“I’m going to stride back and give a penalty – I feel good and I was right”
“No worries Andre”
“FEE-FI-FO-FUM”
Get in. It’s a penalty. In amongst all of this going on, Issa Diop has taken it upon himself to dig up the penalty spot whilst the linesman just stood and watched. Tell the referee he’s done that you fucking idiot. Anyway, JWP puts it down and bang, creams it down the middle, Arriola going to the side where he normally puts it. 2-1. Fucking hell, we may actually win this now. It’s obviously all too much for four or five complete fucking knobheads who decide to invade the pitch. It’s all very lame and pathetic but watching stewards waddle round the pitch trying to catch these guys was embarrassing. Do we not have a single fucking policeman in the ground anymore? Two of the dickheads got taken away by the stewards but at least three jumped back into the crowd. I hope they get identified and banned.
Redmond is on for Smallbone with 20 to go. Smallbone has had a decent afternoon. He still looks horribly lightweight when he goes into any challenge but he has done pretty well and always tries to be positive. Redmond picks up the mantle straight away and from the left-hand side, turns and runs at the West Ham defence, jinking inside to the edge of the box before firing one at the top corner, which Areola has to get airborne to push away. Good effort, good save.
Into the 80th minute and the West Ham cavalry charge still hasn’t really happened. Declan Rice is driving them forward whenever he can but the rest of the players don’t seem to be on the same wavelength. They win a corner and go for the same tactic of curling it in on top of the keeper but this time it’s met by Dawson about 5 yards out and Caballero takes off and Big Willy is back as he to claws it around the post. Superb save which goes some way for making up for the shite goal.
We get to 90 minutes without too many alarms and the board goes up saying there are seven minutes to go, partly due to fuckwits running on the pitch. Romeu comes on for Diallo who has had an interesting match. He’s been efficient and kept the ball relatively well but every so often he just passes it randomly to West Ham player. I get the impression he is not one of these guys who can simply slot back into the rhythm when he has not played very much.
Saints are managing the injury time pretty well and we win a throw on the left hand side. Perraud throws it long, Adam Armstrong completes for it and it drops down and Broja picks it up. As we all know with Armando, he is usually got one thing on his mind if at all possible and that is to head for goal. So, he immediately bursts away from Johnson and Dawson as he makes his way across towards the goal and is confronted by the man mountain that is the cat kicker. A quick drop at the shoulder and the cat kicker goes for a hot dog and the ball is on Armando’s right foot and we all know what happens next as he passes it into the far corner of the net. Brilliant goal, see you later West Ham. The End.
"Couldn't Have Done That Sitting on Chelsea's Bench, Could Ya?"
What a win that is. We really can do no wrong at the moment. I know it’s not gonna last and we will soon go back to being mediocre but that was amazing. To take on and beat West Ham first choice side with a starting 11 that had nine changes in it is quite remarkable. Ralph really can do no wrong at the moment. I still think it’s an incredibly dangerous game to play and it could’ve backfired spectacularly but the end result 100% justifies the means so for tonight anyway, it was the right thing to do. If West Ham were tired, our boys clearly weren’t tired. One thing you can say is that we are incredibly well drilled. Nine changes tonight and everyone just slotted in and knew their role. That, if you remember was the blueprint in the playbook that was developed. That, is why you should have a plan and largely stick to it.
The Saints media team put out an amazing tweet inviting people to delete their pre-game comments before the club saw them. I thought that was brilliant but I have no time for people who criticise your point of view from before the game, when they didn’t express that they were happy with the starting line-up before the game. I’d be amazed if anyone in the fan base was happy with the selection at any point, probably right up to the Left Footed Thunderbastard.
On the pitch, Yan Valery was brilliant at centre back, which is a sentence I never thought I would ever write. He read the game superbly, was calm on the ball and for a player of relatively small stature, he stood up well physically against the man mountain that is Michail Antonio who of course, has absolutely terrorised us in the past. Jack Stephens, apart from one ball watching moment in first half, also had an excellent game. Romain Perraud, despite losing his place in the Premier League 11 because of a badly time positive Covid test, again showed that he is improving all the time and the Thunderbastard has been coming because he has been getting closer every time he tries it.
Will Smallbone started a bit nervously but grew into the game and what I liked about his performance is that he always tried to do something positive. There were a couple of really good balls across the box and he plays with great intelligence. He still looks like he is going to snap whenever he goes into any physical challenge but it was a really promising performance from him. Up front, Shane Long was having a decent game before he got injured and had to be replaced and Adam Armstrong‘s work rate was exceptional, if not his end product. He has gone from being a player that shoots every single time, to one that now doesn’t seem to shoot enough however and of course, there needs to be a balance there somewhere.
It didn’t all work however. Big Willy made a great save it to one from a Dawson header but the goal we conceded was fucking dreadful on his part when he flapped the ball down at the corner which led directly to the West Ham equaliser. I remember watching the game all those years ago when Ali Dia played his infamous half an hour and I was put in mind of that by Moussa Djenepo, who was absolutely all over the fucking place. The tone was set in the first minute when his shot actually ended up furthere back up the pitch than where it started from and he didn’t get much better thereafter. Ralph did get it spot-on however by replacing him at half time because he knows now that we never win a game unless Stuart Armstrong is on the pitch at some point.
We need to talk about Armando. Not only did he get brought down for the penalty but he scored another brilliant goal where he showed a ridiculous amount of balance, pace, poise and shooting ability, on a big stage and the chances of him being a Southampton player next season disappear further into the distance. There is little point in worrying about next season at this point but I do hope we at least try and buy him. Today, the news broke that Roman Abramovich is trying to sell Chelsea so that’s going to add another unknown into the mix. Maybe their strange policy regarding selling young players will be changed or maybe it won’t. Maybe they will want to get in as much money for their assets as they can. No one knows at this point. All we know is that he will be playing for us for the rest of the season and we have to make the most of it. Like I said, it was a brilliant goal, Made all the better for the fact that he sent Cat-Kicker Zouma for a hot dog before sticking it in the net.
Zouma got booed every time me he touched the ball and that’s fair enough and I have to mention whoever chose to music at St Mary‘s for half-time with their selection featuring the cat-themed Pussycat Dolls, Cool for Cats by Squeeze and Lovecats by The Cure. Stray Cat Strut and What’s New Pussycat clearly didn’t make the cut but maybe they will next time.
We are a very strange stage with the football club at the moment where we can do nothing wrong. We can change nine players against a team who are higher up the league than us and still win. We must ride this particular train for as long as we can but we must never do a Les Reed and take it for granted. On the one hand we should stay humble and remember who we are and where we come from. But on the other hand, isn’t it nice to be a dickhead sometimes, running round shouting “we are fucking massive” at the top of your voice.
Onto Villa at the weekend and a possible reunion with the snake Ings…. Or will he once again prove that snakes have hamstrings.
PS: Three big teams for Saints to avoid in the draw and three big teams for the FA to keep apart in the draw. Unsurprisingly, we did ok in that we got a home draw but not so good that we got Manchester City. Needless to say, Chelsea and Liverpool were kept apart. No matter - maybe we'll make 9 changes - we are fucking massive.
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