Premier League Match 12 - Southampton 1 Everton 2

I Told Ralph Where the Secret Drinks Cabinet Was

You can argue all day whether this game against Everton is a must win game or not. Whether it is or whether it isn’t, it would certainly help if we won it. There are a number of tactical things that Ralph must ponder before picking his team for today. The defence played well last week but we were very very compact and you can’t always be that in home games when you’re trying to score a goal at the other end as usually the defence pushes up towards the halfway line. Can we afford to do that with the oil tanker that is Vestergaard in the side? Will Vestergaard even play? If not, will Danso play in the back three or will it even be a back three, maybe it will be a back four and if so, which two centre backs will play when you have to bear in mind that none out of Stephens, Hojbjerg or Valery seem very comfortable in a flat back four. My guess is that we will pick the same 11, in the same formation as we had up at City. Maybe the fit again Cedric will come in for Valery but maybe not as he announced he was leaving this week. I can’t see Djenepo starting ahead of Armstrong as I think the man from Mali will be left to be used as an impact sub in the last 25 minutes or so.

We have to be looking to win this game as Everton are shit away from home and they have been pretty much just a shit as we have been this season. They only sit a couple of places above us in the league table which for a team of their expectancy is pretty appalling. Most recently they had a home 1-1 draw with Spurs which was one of the worst games I have ever sat through. The game itself will only be remembered for the horrific injury suffered by Andre Gomes and we can only hope that he makes a full recovery. The injury to Gomes will no doubt bring Gylfi Sigurdsson into the Everton line-up which is a shame because as we all know, the bastard always scores against us.

This game is going to either force a jolt of major optimism through the Saints fan base or it is going to serve as a collective kick in the bollocks and suck all the life out of everyone. I think most accept now that we are in a relegation battle already and that we need to start picking up points in the battle... and that starts today.

The main news of this week has been Radhi Jaidi leaving the football club, temporarily it appears, to take over as the manager of the Houston Oil Tankers or whoever in the second division of the MLS in America. On the face of it this seems very odd. On the one hand we could be seeing great potential in the guy and want to loan him out to give him experience. This appears to be fraught with danger because if he loses his first 10 games they are not going to want to keep him and he’ll come back to us having proved only that he was a failure.  If he does well and stays for a full year, then what? Does he come back to Southampton and take over the under 23’s again? What if whoever takes over the under 23’s does well?  I find it slightly odd that with all the times we’ve changed managers over the last few years, Jaidi has never been mentioned as a serious candidate for either the permanent position or even as a caretaker manager. When Ralph was about to join, the club saw fit to put Kelvin bloody Davis in charge, a man with zero management experience at any level at all.

If you’re being uncharitable about it then you could say that Saints are merely treading the well worn path of for some reason, not being able to get rid of someone, so we loan him out like we have done all the shit players.

Right up there with Lemina in the "Fucking Deluded Dickhead" Stakes

There was also a remarkable newspaper piece about Cedric which his representatives must have written themselves. It basically stated that he was brilliant (when he’s bang average at best) and that Saints couldn’t afford to let him and Virgil Van Dijk go at the same time (as if he was in any way relevant in that) and that he had an amazingly successful loan spell at Inter (4 games in 4 months and they didn’t want him) and that he’s a great crosser if the ball (if you forget about the 9 out of 10 crosses that go to fucking no one or straight to a defender). Also apparently, he is leaving at the end of the season no matter what. Good fucking riddance you Harry Styles wannabe boy band tight shirted dick head. Fuck off. How on earth have the club allowed him to give this interview and basically talk absolute fucking bollocks about himself in an attempt to put himself in the shop window.? Me, me, me, me, me. Fuck off.

After a traffic nightmare around Mount Pleasant train gates, I get to the ground two minutes before kick-off and take ownership of my free scarf, I assume given as some sort of consolation prize for watching us lose 9-0 the other week. The sight of this shit actually puts me in a bad mood before the game kicks off. Ralph has clearly been at Whiskey George’s stash again and playing with his tombola again as the 11 names don’t form any discernible team no matter how hard you try. Fucking Cedric has been picked, despite being a fucking wanker. My best guess is .... It looks like Djenepo is playing at left-wing back because Hojbjerg is not even in the 18, presumably injured. The players line up and what the fuck? Armstrong is at right-wing back (where he has presumably never played in his life) with Harry fucking Styles on the left. JWP is captain for the day and he’s in the middle with Oriol and upfront we have Ings, supported by Redmond and Djenepo. Bits of this line-up look promising but other bits look tragic.

Free Scarf - Fuck Off!

So, with a fast start needed, four minutes, 1-0 down. Everton win a corner and when it comes from our left, a flick on and there is Tom Davies all on his own at the back post to nod it past McCarthy for the simplest fucking goal you could ever score in your life.

Having had all the confidence knocked out of us after four minutes, we then proceed to play walking football for the next 41 with a ball being passed about amongst our defenders, allowing Everton to get 11 players behind the ball and eventually either Stephens or Vestergaard had to attempt a ridiculous pass to a static player who invariably lost the ball. I don’t blame the defenders at all for this as both of them were clearly gesticulating to the players further up the pitch to actually fucking move. Djenepo showed the odd flash by drifting past a player but he was restricted by having that complete wanker Cedric playing behind him who was offering absolutely nothing either going forward or defensively. On the other side, Stuart Armstrong was trying his best and making a fairly good fist of playing at right back but there was no one to pass to further forward so it just became a case of when we would lose the ball.

Everton didn’t really do much for the rest of the half but they didn’t have to. Tosun put a relatively simple header over the bar and Davies tried to cross from the right wing which nearly caught McCarthy out, forcing him to backpedal and shove it over the bar. They look totally comfortable defensively and if they had needed to score a second they probably could’ve gone out through the gears and done so relatively easily. Theo Walcott displayed his entire career in a couple of seconds by bursting through two players with a superb turn of pace and then shanking the ball into row Z when he was trying to cross it. The only thing that would’ve summed him up better would’ve been if he’d collapsed in a heap on the ground after the said shank and had to go off injured.

Half-time and the fans let the players know what they thought of that horrible pile of shit that I have just witnessed. Something had to change and it did with the absolutely fucking horrendous Cedric being hauled off and Boufal coming on. This meant another spin of the left back tombola with Djenepo getting the job. The effect of having Boufal on the pitch was instant though.

First off we won a free-kick on the left hand side of the penalty area, JWP rolled it to Boufal on the edge of the box and he had a shot, on target and Pickford had to save it. It was simple enough and straight at him but it was a shot and it was on target and it sparked the fans into life with chants of “we’ve had a shot“.  Suddenly on the pitch, we have a player who wants the ball.

The next time we attack, it is Djenepo’s turn to take on Schneiderlin in the right back position and win a corner. JWP’s corner is clear now as far as Boufal on our right hand side and he is faced with Schneiderlin again. Boufal absolutely pisses past him at least as if he wasn’t there, knocks across the goal and there is Danny Ings to bundle it into the net from very close range.

So we’ve just equalised and we’re on the front foot but then some horrific defending by Bednarek presents Everton with another chance and Sigurdsson, who has not yet scored his traditional goal against us, forces McCarthy to turn his rising drive over the bar.  There was a hilarious bit of defending by Armstrong when he allowed a long throw from the left hand side to bounce in front of him and over his head and Holgate, who couldn’t have been expecting it, flicked his header over the bar.

We should have a penalty after that as Mina diverted his run to totally take out Djenepo whilst he was pretending to shield the ball. Anywhere else on the pitch then that’s a free-kick but not in the penalty area of course. Djenepo won another free-kick on the left hand side this time as Sidibe just takes him out and JWP whips it in the near top corner as usual but Pickford is alive to it and save is it relatively comfortably.

So on 75 minutes we are looking like we might nick it but then the most predictable thing ever as Iwobi put Sidibe away on the right hand side, behind Djenepo who has lost his positioning and his cross to the back post fines Richarlison in acres of space, not tracked by anybody and he just volleys it first time into the net. Bednarek is looking at Armstrong and Armstrong is looking around with the “I don’t know how the fuck to play at right wingback“ look on his face.

The final few minutes tick by with fuck all happening at the end of the pitch where it needs to happen and the final whistle goes and Everton have deservedly won. They weren’t much better than us but better than us they certainly were. More organised and more positive and more in control and sure of what they were supposed to be doing.

The first half was absolute wank.  Everton must have been expecting us to come flying out but conceding after three minutes with our usual set piece zonal marking bollocks, set the tone and from an attacking point of view (you know, actually trying to get the goal that we fucking needed), the rest of the first half was a joke. I would call it walking football but I’ve seen walking football played at a faster pace then we played at. There were many times when Stephens or Vestergaard had the ball and there was absolutely nothing moving in front of them. Everyone marked, everyone just walking about, no one looking to lose a marker or break into space. What the fuck have these guys been coached during the week? No one is even playing on the half turn, all just facing the guy with the ball. Eventually the central defenders have to try and pass the ball forward to a guy who immediately gets dispossessed because he’s got a player up his arse, sometimes two players up his arse and no one is moving off him so the first time layoff is out of the question. It is absolutely bollocks.

To be honest, the second half wasn’t much better. All we had was the individual brilliance of Boufal, who for 10 minutes looked like the best player on the planet and that is how we got our goal. All we’ve got to rely an is individual brilliance and therefore, we need to flood our side with as much potential for individual brilliance as we possibly can, especially on home games, so Boufal, Ings, Djenepo and Redmond (even though he was absolutely fucking shit today) need to start every game. We have no idea whatsoever how to attack teams when they are in their defensive formation and all a team has to do to really limit the danger is to not fuck about with the ball at the back which takes out the one thing that we are occasionally good at which is pressing from the front and winning the ball higher up. This lack of idea has to come down to Ralph and those two fucking ex-goalkeeper clowns that we have masquerading as first-team coaches. What do you do to earn your money during the week Kelvin and Dave?

Ralph threw us all another complete curveball today with Stuart Armstrong at right wing-back and Cedric on the left. In a week where Cedric has basically announced that he is leaving the club, why the fuck was he selected? Cedric gave a perfect example of not giving a fuck and doing as little as possible whilst trying not to look like he wasn’t doing as little as possible. Half arsed pressing in the Everton half getting nowhere near the player or the ball and then when it was inevitably played round him, he jogged back behind the play and just didn’t get involved at all. Useless fucking wanker. Had a bit of a renaissance and scored a goal at Fratton Park against a shit Pompey side so probably thinks he’s done enough now to catch the eye of some super club or another. Hopefully he fucks off out on loan again in January for another one of those ‘successful’ spells where the fans of the club he joins think he’s an absolute waste of fucking space. If you say you are leaving but that you’re going to give your all for the rest of the season then if you actually do that, most fans will say that’s fair enough as after all, it’s your career and you can do what you like with it. However, if the very next game you turn up and play like you really don’t give a shit and then any positivity towards you is going to be in very short supply.

Djenepo wasn’t great as cover for Cedric at left wing back (and why would he be because he’s a fucking winger after all), but he wasn’t as bad as our European champion And at least he fucking tried. Armstrong put in a decent shift over on the right hand side and proved to be better at it than JWP has ever proved to be even though he did get completely caught out, losing Richarlison for the second goal. Defensively, I thought Stephens and Vestergaard at least tried to do the right things and both tried to be positive within their own limitations. Bednarek had a complete shithouse of a game with every header disappearing off his head and going backwards. The midfield pairing of Romeu and JWP was as fucking grim as you’d expect it to be to be and up front, Redmond had probably his most anonymous game in the Saints shirt but Danny Ings again showed what a class act he is and deservedly picked up another goal. He is one of the few that I will miss when we inevitably find ourselves in the Championship next season.

Maybe I Should Just keep It Simple

It has reached the stage now where Ralph has to go back to basics and accept that the majority of these players are not capable of playing out of position and they are not capable of switching things around during a game. Pick a best 11 and stick to it as much as possible. It will probably not be good enough but at least the players will know exactly what they should be doing. Me personally, after what I have witnessed this season, I would go with Bertrand and Valery as the fullbacks, Stephens and either Danso or Bednarek at centre back. Hojbjerg and either Romeu or JWP in midfield, with Djenepo, Boufal and Redmond playing behind Ings. A lot of these players have major flaws in their game but they are what we have got.

I’m a big advocate of doing something different when things are going wrong but Ralph tries to do something different and odd every single game and I’m sure the players are sat in the changing room now, wondering what batshit mental approach he’s going to come up with next. He will be losing the players. When he read the team out for today, I guarantee that some of the others would have been shooting glances at Armstrong when he found out he was gonna be playing at right back and laughing to themselves. Just keep it simple. Full-back is a specialist position and you cannot think that just anyone can play there, be they a winger or an attacking midfield player. This is certainly the case with us with our centre backs being not the best.  Look at the second goal – Djenepo caught out by Iwobi’s pass to Sidibe and Armstrong losing his man on the other side.  Ralph is beginning to lose the fans now as well because up till now, most have been prepared to blame the shit players but with every mental team selection that goes by, more and more will be pointing the finger at the manager and you can’t really blame them.

Ralph will be hoping that the club find some money to buy some players in January but the way things are going, Ralph won’t be here in January and we will be so far behind anyway, that the club will be preparing financially for the Championship.

Everton aren’t even that good but they were fucking miles better than us. It’s amazing how good a team can look when they’re playing against a team who decides to play walking football for 45 minutes. They looked more like a team and they totally deserved their win. They won’t be going down but we will. As it stands, it will be us and Norwich fighting out the last place and one other who will go down. Mr Gao will soon enough realise that if you buy something and then don’t actually invest, The thing that you have bought will eventually grind to a halt or start going backwards and eventually, be worth a hell of a lot less money than you paid for it.,

As I write I’ve just watched Leicester dismantle Arsenal by 2-0. It was a really enjoyable game, watching the alleged big club getting battered by the smaller one. Leicester are the perfect example of a club of similar size to us, who at the moment are working with a perfect balance. They have balance on the pitch and off the pitch they are perfectly set up with a manager who is decent, knows his best team and players strengths and who has the full backing of the board who are not afraid to put their hands in their pockets. We on the other hand, are completely fucked from top to bottom.

Next up – international break – thank fuck.