Premier League Match 29 - Manchester United 3 Southampton 2

VAR Will Show You To Be The Useless Prick That You Are

Manchester United at Old Trafford, the Theatre of Wet Dreams. Rumour has it that the press room at Old Trafford as a sponsorship deal with Kleenex, just in case the world‘s media gets a bit too excited. They’ve been getting a bit excited recently because since Ole Gunnar Solskjaer became the manager and The Grinch got dispatched into the world of punditry, United have been nothing short of excellent. I am not having it that he is some sort of Messiah because when you’ve got a squad of  players that cost as much money as theirs did, it’s not the most difficult challenge in the world but it has to be said that he is getting a hell of a lot more out of that squad then Mourinho ever did and fair play to him. Also, disturbingly for a Manchester United manager, he is extremely likeable and this is not something that I have managed to get my head round yet. I want to hate Manchester United and I still manage that but Solskjaer just makes it a little bit more difficult.

If Mourinho was still in charge I would’ve been going into this game thinking we had a really good decent chance of grinding out a point because you can set up teams to defend against Mourinho’s United and they would have very little inspiration and would play none of the clever quick football that United are known for. You would basically have to defend the percentages and inevitably deal with both Lukaku and Fellaini and balls being rained down on top of them when the going got desperate in the last 15 minutes. Now, it’s a little bit more difficult so today is going to be a proper test.

The morale boosting win over Fulham in mid week seems to have crystallised things in Ralph’s mind as we have exactly the same starting at 11 and there is just one change on the bench with Shane Long dropping out for some reason to be replaced by Callum Slattery.

United start very fast and Lukaku turns and finds space to get a shot away and it looks for all the world like a goal but Gunn gets down superbly to tip around the post. Lukaku then manages to miss his kick in front of goal which Gunn smothers and then had another shot from 3 yards which Gunn once again gets in the way off. Three saves in the first five minutes. Help.

After we’ve survived the little flurry we do have a chance when we win a corner and it comes over from the left and Vestergaard meets it with a free header but can’t keep it down and it flies over the bar. The big man really should’ve done better there.

We start to play well with Valery and Bertrand doing well. Redmond plays a quite fantastic pass in between two defenders which meets Bertrand’s run in behind Chris Smalling. As usual Smalling is all arms and shirt holding and down goes Bertrand. Referee Stuart Attwell, well known for being fucking useless, waves it away without any thought whatsoever. I mean, this is instant. He is not giving a penalty even if the replay shows that Bertrand has a knife between the shoulder blades. Not a prayer. As far as penalty appeals go it is well out of “seen them given“ territory and is one that you absolutely know would have been given up the other end.

On we go. There really is no point in complaining about it because you know there’s another shit decision just around the corner. What we didn’t expect, was what happened next. United have a throw-in the right back position and we win the ball back through Romeu. Redmond passes the ball across to Austin and he’s sends it right to Valery who takes one touch and then bang.... fucking hell... he hits a fucking howitzer into the near top corner from about 30 yards. De Gea, one of the best goalkeepers in the world gets a touch but he hasn’t got a prayer of keeping it out. Usually you blame the goalkeeper for getting beaten at the near post like that but he had absolutely no chance.

United try and get back into the game but there’s nothing going on with Saints snapping into every midfield tackle and not giving an inch. It’s great stuff. The referee has entered a new phase of ridiculous biased home town big club shiteness. United aren’t getting anywhere apart from when Attwell decides not to give clear fouls by United players to allow them to attack. He is letting them get away with fouls and giving them every freekick that they appeal for. It’s fucking scandalous. One attack was started with a blatant foul on your Yoshida and Bertrand, still pissed off from not being given the penalty, attempts some sort of fucking flying ninja kick on Lukaku out on the wing and luckily for Ryan, Lukaku is such a big unit that he didn’t even notice and just steamed through it and carried on up the wing without breaking stride. Ryan does get a yellow card though.

Despite Attwell, we are still the better side and we win the ball and break with purpose with Austin finding Redmond and again he plays Bertrand in behind the full back and this time both shoulders are pulled by Ashley Young inside the area and Bertrand once again hits the deck. Once again Stuart Attwell is not having any of it nor does he book (and therefore send off) Bertrand for diving which kind of means that he is saying that Bertrand just fell over accidentally. Utter bollocks.

United go close when Smalling’s header is going wide but Rashford keeps it in, causing a mild outbreak of complete panic which we manage to survive.  Half-time

You know that United are coming in the second half but first they catch a bit of a break when Sanchez, who has been completely fucking useless, gets injured in a tackle with Bednarek. The Chilean may well be injured but you know that even if he wasn’t he’d be wanting to go off, rather than actually earning his money and so he limps off to be replaced by Diogo Dalot. Immediately, Dalot combines with Parreira down the right hand side and Parreira swings in a superb cross which Rashford meets at the far post any really should score but we get lucky as he nods just wide of the post.

For the first time, we are beginning to look stretched as a long ball forward from Young finds Dalot and he exchanges passes with Lukaku before finding Parreira who curls a superb shot over the top of Angus Gunn and into the top corner-ish. If you are being hyper-critical you would say that the shot hasn’t exactly nestled in the postage stamp so maybe the keeper was a bit too far off his line but either way, it’s 1-1 and now it’s about to get really difficult.

Saints still fancy this though and pour forward and Richmond shanks his shot wide. It’s a temporary respite though - Pogba out to Shaw, into Dalot who beats Yoshida to it and plays it into Lukaku who looks offside. Needless to say, there’s no flag and he chops inside Bednarek before passing the ball into the far corner. Brilliant goal, probably offside, definitely more offside than Gabbiadini was at Wembley and yes I’m still bitter…. and more or less the first time Lukaku has kicked it in the right direction all game. Surprisingly, Stuart Attwell isn’t joining in with the United celebrations. I half expected him to be there, whirling his shirt above his head.

Armstrong is on for Austin and his first contribution is to compete for a high ball with Young and for once. Attwell has given it to us. He couldn’t not really as Armstrong got the ball and Young wellied Armstrong. I should report however that Stuart’s hair was unaffected. 25 yards out to the left of centre - JWP. I know where he’s aiming and I’m sure de Gea does as well - no matter, JWP takes it and it is perfect, over the wall and swinging away into the near top corner. 2-2 and fucking have that and a few tissues get put away in the press box.

15 to go becomes 2 to go and United build up patiently. Shaw plays into Fred and he finds Lukaku via a kind little deflection and the big fucker turns and smashes it first time into the far corner past Gunn who hasn’t a prayer. For fucks sake. Flashbacks of the Ibrahimovic winner at Wembley, yes, still bitter... gutted.

Yoshida is off and Gallagher on for a desperate assault but no good, Pogba breaks away and feeds Rashford on the left hand side. He reaches the penalty area, Bednarek holds hold him up and wins the ball and turn him away from goal and then Armstrong steams in and brushes against the back of his leg and Rashford predictably collapses like a heap of shit. Needless to say there is no way Attwell is not going to give it. Up steps Pogba with his wanky stutter step and chips it down the middle and Gunn dives and boots it away.

Bollocks. Miraculously, Stuart Atwell - wanker - gets a decision right and blows for the end of the game and United have won 3-2 and all is right with the world again. Wankers. In the press box, the Great North West Tissue Shortage is under way. Wankers.

Firstly, we were bloody good and deserved a point from the game. We didn’t sit back and we weren’t scared, no players froze and as usual, there is a sense of injustice about the way the game panned out. League Cup Final all over again.

From Gunn through to Austin, there were some superb performances. Yan Valery is going to be some player and his goal today will guarantee him a place in Garth Crooks team of the week and guarantee that he is being sold left right and centre by the media. On the other wing, Ryan Bertrand looks to be getting back to his best and should definitely have had one, if not two penalties. The back three in the main defended excellently though if you were being ultra picky then I’m sure you could find some aspects of the goals where we could’ve defended better. As I said against Fulham, that midfield three is beginning to look seriously good, capped with yet another goal from JWP. Redmond was dangerous upfront but didn’t have the end product today and I have to say, Austin worked really hard but didn’t provide a goal threat.

Even though United have a very likeable manager now, which as said, is really fucking offputting, they still have some players who are just wankers. Chief amongst them is Ashley Young. He gets away with fucking murder every game. Last year up there he punched Tadic in the stomach and got a retrospective three-game ban but of course it wasn’t seen on the day so we didn’t get a penalty and we didn’t get to play against 10 men. Today he got away with pulling back Bertrand which should’ve been a penalty. Then you have Marcus Rashford. I think he’s great when he plays for England but soon as he puts that United shirt on he turns into a petulant little twat, always appealing for fouls and strutting around and giving it the big one. It was so typical of him to absolutely collapse for the penalty in the last minute. If Chris Smalling played for a side but wasn’t in the top six, he would be giving away at least one penalty every single game. I think the guy has something wrong with his hands in that he only seems happy he’s got a handful of another players shirt. Having said that those three are twats, Diego Dilot was brilliant when he came on and he changed the game which was a stroke a fortune for United because if Sanchez hadn’t got injured, he probably wouldn’t of been substituted. Andreas Pereira was also very impressive, putting over some really good crosses from the right hand side and then of course scoring the equaliser.

The shithousing by Manchester United players is allowed by piss weak referees like Stuart Attwell. In the first half, not only did he turn down two penalty shouts, his general officiating on the small decisions were so one eyed, it was bordering on the farcical. United couldn’t get a foothold in the first half after we scored and virtually every attack they had had an infringement in it from a Manchester United player but he just waved it on to enable them to get further up the pitch. It was no surprise at all that he gave a relatively soft penalty to United in the second half. Okay, it made no difference at the end of the day because Gunn saved it. Sure, there was some contact from Armstrong on Rashford but as previously said, he just collapsed like he had been shot.  Our two shouts were just as much penalties as that was but guess which one got given. Bring on VAR – it won’t be perfect but it will struggle to make things worse and it will highlight which referees are fucking dreadful – we know anyway but it will be highlighted.

Ralph’s quote after the game was “I don’t know what you have to do to get penalty here“. I can answer that one - Put a red shirt on mate. Welcome to playing away from home against the top six. Not only do you have to deal with all the multi million pound players on the pitch and all the advantages that brings, but as we know, you also have to deal with the officials. Ralph can be proud of the boys though and we are still outside the bottom three, with Cardiff getting beaten by Wolves reserve team today. Annoyingly, Brighton managed to scrape a typical 1-0 win at home to Huddersfield but they are still absolutely shit.

Next up is Tottenham at home, a game we always manage to get nothing from. If we put in a performance like today then we are going to have a decent chance but all I wish for, is for Danny Ings to be fit. If he is fit then we have a potentially very good starting 11. Spurs have wobbled of late so let’s believe.