Williams Decides to Jump, Two Seconds After the Ball Hit The Net
We all like to think that we are good at predicting
things regarding Premier League football but the fact remains that most of us
are complete shite at it. I am certainly in that category and so is anyone else
who hasn't made millions betting on the football. No matter how shite you are
at predicting outcomes, no one would be predicting that a game between fucking
boring Southampton and absolutely crap Everton would be anything other than
completely dull. There was a chance I guess that both teams would be so bad
that it was somehow end up being entertaining as the crapness cancelled
eachother out but it was unlikely. We can't score and nor can they.
Everton's demise this season has been lamented by
some but for the Saints fans with memories longer than 18 months, seeing
Everton struggle near the bottom of the league has been fucking hilarious. To
anyone who remembers the summer of 2016 when Ronald Koeman left to join Everton
and anyone who was on the receiving end of the tirade of gloating and abuse
that came down from Merseyside - it is positively delicious that they are crap
and Koeman has been sacked. Everton had this reputation of being the “peoples
club” and of being classy and of doing things the right way but the fact
remains that as soon as they got with of massive investment from Fahad Moshiri,
a lot of their fans forgot themselves completely and became no better than your
average Liverpool, Chelsea or Manchester City fan in basking in their wealth
and talking like Billy Big Bollocks and losing any trace of humility.
The powers that be at Everton were obviously not
ready to handle having loads of money to spend either, as they pissed it away.
First of all they signed Wayne Rooney for sentimental reasons and then they
signed Gylfi Sigurdsson from Swansea because they wanted to make a statement
about how big the dick was that they were waving around these days so they
overpaid massively and spent £45 million. It didn't seem to occur to anybody
that Rooney and Sigurdsson play in exactly the same position and they also
still have Ross Barkley and they also have Davy Klaasen who they paid a fortune
for at the same time. So, they signed 3
players to replace their best player who they didn’t sell in the end. They of course sold their 25 goals a season
striker and didn’t replace him. Basically,
they should never have signed Rooney because doing things on sentiment never
works and once they had, they should not have signed Sigurdsson even though he
is a decent player but the desire the wave the dick around was strong.
Elsewhere in the team they overpaid for Michael Keane and they even overpaid
for Cuco Martina even though it was a free transfer. Cuco is so shit that he is
the sort of player he should be paying £2.50 subs a week in order to get a
game.
After Koeman got sacked, they appointed David
Unsworth as caretaker manager. David
Unsworth doesn’t look like the ex-Everton player of the same name but he looks
like he’s eaten him. Joey Barton, now
residing in the media whilst his betting ban runs down, describes Unsworth as
similar to a fat PE teacher it was basically not at all qualified to be in
charge of a Premier League football team. No I don't always agree with Joey
Barton but this description is pretty much spot on.
Everything has been relatively quiet at St Mary's
during the week as everyone digested the full horror of the performance against
Liverpool. There simply had to be changes this week as this game against
Everton was absolutely vital with a sure-fire defeat against Manchester City
coming up in just three days time.
So a Sunday at 1:30 PM kick-off. What a
pain in the fucking arse that is. My commitments as coach to my sons Under 14
football team meant that I was in Chandlers Ford for a 12 noon kick off. In theory, the game should be finished at
about 1:20 and then carnage to get St Mary's to see hopefully some of
the first half. In the event, I managed
to blag a lift and we left Chandlers Ford at about 1.25pm, radio on and here is
the team news. The name of Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg was the first one that jumped
out as he been picked to cover for the suspended Oriol Romeu. The other
headline news was that Charlie Austin was given his first start of the season.
To be honest, he's not looked great in any of his substitute appearances so far
this season but with the team having a lack of goals, why the fuck not? Nathan
Redmond had dropped to the bench but bombproof Tadic had survived again despite
an absolute shithouse of a performance up at Liverpool. Also, at long last, it
seems that Pellegrino has decided to ditch the centre back rotation and so it's
double Dutch with Hoedt partnering Virgil.
With
JWP in the side you at least always feel that there is a chance from a set
piece and that’s the first action as he swings one in and it causes carnage,
hits Jagielka and bounces off forcing Pickford to save. Another set piece, a corner this time and the
ball drops to Austin who volleys over on the stretch
(I’m
in Stoneham - "what's the best way then?")
Saints
are trying to play at a higher tempo it seems with Hojbjerg putting himself
about strongly. We’re also playing with
confidence and zipping it about which brings it’s own dangers and so it proves
when Tadic attempts to pass first time back to the midfield and succeeds only in
giving it to Lennon and the ball eventually gets worked to Mirallas who fires
wide.
(Swaythling
by-pass, North – “what’s the speed limit down here?”)
In
the main though it’s all Saints with Hojbjerg and Davis ruling the midfield
against Gueye and Schneiderlin. Hojbjerg
sprays a ball from left to right to Cedric who plays a give and go with
JWP. Cedric is 2nd favourite
for the return ball but he uses every bit of his 5 foot nothing, 7 stone frame
to shove Sigurdsson off the ball and cross to where Austin slides in, like a
bloke desperately trying to make last orders before the pub shuts and diverts
it onto the post and wide.
(Empress
Road Industrial Estate – “I bet the bastard train gates are down”)
Everton
attack through Jonjo Kenny on our left and Boufal is working back strongly to
win the ball off him near the goal line and play it out to Hojbjerg. He eventually gets it to Austin, back to
Bertrand on the left as we break and Bertie curls a lovely low first time ball
behind the defence to Tadic who sorts his feet out and rolls the ball through
Pickford and into the net.
(Mount
Pleasant Train Gates – “where’s the fucking train”, “come on for fucks sake”
etc)
The
nearest defender to the opening goal was Leighton Baines who I’ve always
thought was a crap defender but he’s pulled up so he has to go off and replaced
by a really crap defender in Ashley Williams.
Old, slow and shit and not going to the World Cup. The Everton reshuffle gives them 5 at the
back with Lennon playing right wing back sort of.
(We
now arrive at the stadium – a steward outside has to unlock a big door to let
us in. A whole row has to stand up to
let us get to our seats – my son is a full kit wanker in match kit – I think
people understand why we’re late)
Meanwhile
on the other side, a decent Saints break ends up with Davo cross and Michael
Keane playing basketball as it bounces down off his outstretched arm. I don’t know all the nuances of the handball
rules these days but his arms are way away from his body and that should be a
penalty. The rules have been unclarified
so many times now, the powers that be have succeeded in confusing everyone so
no one gets angry any more. We should
score again as a JWP corner, won after Schneiderlin dallied in possession,
skims off the head of Virgil and wide.
44
minutes and out of fucking nowhere, we overplay at the back, lose it on the
left and the ball gets fed into Sigurdsson who turns away from Virgil and then
arcs a superb shot over Fraser and it hits the bar, then the post, then bounces
up onto the underside of the bar and then drops into the corner of the
net. Fuck off… great goal but they’ve
done nothing to deserve that and the only reason he was there and not stranded
out on the left was because Baines got injured.
Lucky bastards.
Half
time and it’s disappointing to be going in at 1-1 but none the less, we’ve
played well and it’s light years better than the Burnley performance to name
but one. All I want at the start of the
second half is for us to come out with intent and that we do and it takes five
minutes to retake the lead as we build down the left and Boufal pulls out a
lovely lofted chip to put Bertrand in on the left behind Jagielka and his cross
is met by Austin in front of the near post but he flicks his header back and it
crashes off the underside of the bar and in before Pickford can move. Get in there.
There
is no response from Everton and we carry on looking dangerous, again bulding
down the left which seems to have ground to a halt as Tadic fannies about with
it but he gets a lucky break and is in again behind Jagielka and he has time to
put over a delicious left footed cross and Austin has once again evaded the
defenders and this time it’s a simple header down and into the net, so simple
that he didn’t spill his pint at all. 3-1 and we might be onto something
here. Crosses into box to striker who
can head the ball.
Over
the next fifteen minutes or so, Everton have their least pathetic spell of the
game but we look strong at the back with Hoedt and Virgil looking commanding
and even Fraser looks confident. Tadic
and Austin are eventually subbed for Lemina and for some reason we’ve decided
to play with a false-striker as Long is coming on. Long has been brought on because of the
extreme anti-pace in the Everton back 4 and it nearly works as Hoedt hoofs a
clearance out to the left, Jagielka fucks it up and Long burns him up, cutting
in from the left and actually getting a curling effort on target which Pickford
pushes wide. He should have passed to
JWP who had a tap-in but never mind.
With
5 to go, Yoshida is on for Boufal, meaning we’ve gone to 3 at the back which is
interesting for future plans and we put it to bed in the last minute as JWP
plays the ball to Cedric on the right, takes the return pass with a superb bit
of control and sends it in to Goal Machine Steve Davis who takes a touch and
then rips a right footed shot across Pickford and into the net. It’s all a bit surreal, 4 goals from open
play and Davo smashes one in from the edge of the box.
I haven't had many opportunities for a while to
write about an enjoyable game but that was really an enjoyable game, even
though I only saw 65 minutes of it. I saw more enterprising attacking football
in those 65 minutes then I've seen in every game I've watched for the last
year. We really were excellent all over the park with a higher tempo and some
threat at the end of our build up play. At the centre of it all was Pierre
Hojbjerg who totally bossed the middle of the park, winning tackles headers and
basically never wasting a ball. It makes me laugh to think that two managers
have pissed around trying to make a defensive midfielder out of Steve Davis and
JWP, when we've had Hojbjerg sat in the wings, waiting for a chance. The biggest compliment I can pay there is
that we didn't miss Romeu or Lemina at all today.
Now Charlie Austin isn’t everyone's cup of tea and
I still have a few reservations about the guy but he is the most suitable
forward for the way that we play. Its fucking obvious but if you are going to
put crosses into the box that you need someone who at least has a decent chance
of heading the ball and hitting the target. Charlie certainly knows where the
goal is. His first goal was a brilliant almost instinctive header and the
second goal was easy but it wouldn't have been easy for either of our other
strikers so full marks to the big guy and let's just hope we can stay fit and
get fitter. I've said before that when
he comes on as a substitute he looks like a drunk lurching around an empty pub at
closing time but starting the game seem to have some sort of psychological
effect on him as he looked like a proper player from the first whistle.
Another fringe player who got a chance today was
JWP and he had a superb game on the right hand side both helping the defensive
effort and getting good crosses into the box. Every time I see him taking
corners and free kicks I think that we simply have to find some place for him
in the side because he said he's delivery virtually warrants that on its own. Whilst
he didn't score or directly assist, Sofiane Boufal played like a genius and the
run of games is certainly benefiting him. The little touches and flicks were spot on
and, the best of which being the deft chip over the defender to help set up the
second goal. It was an improved
performance as well from Ryan Bertrand at left back who created two goals, was
a constant threat and most surprisingly, actually looked happy to be out there. Cedric on the other side of the pitch certainly
looked very determined today never illustrated more than when he barged Sigurdsson
over before putting over the which Austin hit the post with.
The slight caveat to all of this praise is that
Everton were fucking atrocious. It's not that they've got bad players… actually
scrap that… they do have some bad players like Ashley Williams who is fucking
garbage but the main problem seems to be their organisation and lack of effort.
They've got a couple of youngsters in
the side like Jonjo Kenny and Dominic Calvert Lewin and they need to senior
players to step up to help them but none of the senior players did a thing.
Chief amongst those was Morgan Schneiderlin who looked an absolute pale
limitation of the player that left Saints to join Manchester United three
years ago. It's a shame and
it wasn't one of the more predictable ones, but he's gone backwards as a
footballer since he left Southampton.
The best laugh with Everton was that defence.
Trying to play 70 minutes with 48-year-old Phil Jagielka as a kind of right
back, the slow and shit Ashley Williams at centre back with the slow and
extremely overrated Michael Keane and a right-footed 18-year-old at left back.
If anything, you would have expected Williams and Keane to be decent in the air
but the two goals that Austin scored both featured hilariously bad defending.
On both goals the cross came in, Williams got caught under the ball and Keane
didn't come across far enough or do anything at all so in both cases Charlie
had a free header, Goal, thank you very much.
So it was a good day for Mauricio Pellegrino.
Though I was a little unsure when I saw the team, you have to say that he got
it right. He now has one of those nice problems in that he has a starting 11
putting in our best performance of the season and neither Romeu or Lemina were
in it. Who plays and who gets left out? It was also interesting to see that we
went to 3 at the back for the last 10 minutes when the game was already won.
Maybe that was a little practice with the game at Manchester City coming up on
Wednesday. That game is absolutely free hit as they have one all bar one of the
games this season. Ironically, the only team that I've taken a pint of them are
Everton.
We’re up to 10th in the league and it’s
remarkable how much better everything seems.
Hopefully, the shocker at Liverpool had the desired effect to make
everyone wake up. This was one we had to win and we did so happy days. The almost inevitable defeat at City
shouldn’t bring us down too much and so we’ll go into the next big game against
the Dorset Powerhouses in good spirits.
David Unsworth - Sorry, Wrong Fat Manager
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