Premier League Match 17 - Southampton 0 Tottenham 2

The Closest Bloke in a Saints Shirt to Notice Dele Alli, is in the Crowd.

Spurs at home and a chance to arrest our recent slump though we sure as hell could do with weaker opposition to play.  Despite getting beaten in the last minute of their last league game at home to Newcastle, Spurs are having a good season.  They’re probably drawing too many games but they look like a decent outfit who will do well this year under the snake Pochettino.  I don’t like they way he left us but that all water under the bridge now – he’s a good manager and if Spurs stick with him then he’ll do very well.  They’re still one Harry Kane injury away from struggling to score many goals but other than that they look strong. 

More water under the bridge is Toby Alderweireld who signed for them in the summer and has transformed them on his own, into a team that doesn’t let in many goals, like all who watched Southampton last season knew he would.  The way it all unfolded is still annoying though and Spurs will continue to be unlikeable whilst Daniel Levy continues to behave the way he does.  It’s really noticeable how poor Victor Wanyama and Saido Berahino have been for their respective clubs since the derisory bids and media campaigns from Spurs happened in the summer.  No doubt it will all crank up again in January.

There hasn’t been much noise out of St Mary’s in the week other than confirming that Gazzaniga will start in goal again.  After that performance against Palace I don’t think anyone is particularly worried about the prospect for once.  The team Ronald is putting out is his first choice one.  Clasie is back in midfield and he’s the only player that anyone would probably have an issue with.  Personally I’d play Romeu but he has to happy with a place on the bench with Shane Long, who has lost out to Pellè.

There’s an irritating noise in St Mary’s and it’s been provided by Garmin who have given out these inflated plastic tubes.  A lot of kids have got two and are revelling in banging them together and pissing off everybody over the age of six.  It gives the 4 year old who sits behind me something else to do with his time.  He can either kick my chair or bang his plastic tubes together near the back of my head.  I wonder how many parents will be letting the kids take those home at the end of the game?

Away we go and with Pochettino well known for his pressing game, it was nice to see Saints match that with Clasie and Davis snapping around in midfield and he attackers joining in to hurry Spurs up.  Saints created the first chance as Tadic picked up the ball on the left and his low cross picked out Mané on the edge of the box and his sidefooted effort was well saved by Lloris.  We were all over them for 20 minutes and Mané again latched onto a bouncing cross and saw his shot deflected over the bar by Alderweireld who did what he always did and Saints and found himself in the right place.

You could tell that the pressing wouldn’t last and with depressing inevitability, Spurs got into the game.  Kyle Walker demonstrated the one good part of his game and got forward, crossing for Alderweireld to head over the bar after we’d half cleared a corner.  Kane had an effort which Gazza kept out in quite awkward unconventional fashion but it’ll do.

With 5 to go until half time, Alli picks up the ball and slips through two half arsed challenges from Clasie and Davis.  His through ball to Kane has been made before Fonte comes launching in and takes him out.  Virgil is over to cover for the captain but plays an airshot and suddenly Kane is through and on the edge of the box with the ball under control and just Gazzaniga in front of him. Guess what?  He isn’t going to miss. 1-0 as easy as you like.  What a horrific goal from our point of view and Fonte gets a deserved booking for carting Alli up in the air when the ball was in a different post code.

We really need to get through to half time now and regroup but instead of that, Bertrand goes walkabout into midfield and loses the ball which is switched to Walker who has half the pitch to himself as the full back has fucked off and no one has covered.  A low cross towards a clearly offside Kane and everyone stops but no flag goes up and the ball doesn’t go to Kane (so Kane is irrelevant), it goes behind him to Alli who has come in at the back post.  Cédric doesn’t even know he’s there until he’s taken a touch and knocked it into the net for 2-0.  Pathetic.  With the offside rule being as open to interpretation as it is, rule 1 has to be ‘play to the whistle’.  I think my Dad told me to play to whistle when I was about 5.  We might have a great training ground and facilities and great coaches but we have players who don’t play to the fucking whistle.  It’s a bit fortunate for Spurs as there is no way Walker was aiming at Alli but you tend to make your own luck.  Alli gambled and was rewarded... you can afford to gamble as a striker but not as a fucking defender, all standing there like fucking statues.  Half time, arse.

At half time, I’ve decided that we’ve lost but you have to trot out all that cliché shit to your 11 year old about “if we get an early goal” and “45 minutes is a long time”.  I don’t think he believes me to be honest.  Undoubted highlight is that I’m stood up with a cup of soup in my right hand and manage to catch a one of those t-shirts that was fired into the crowd with my left hand after it rebounded off the roof of the stand.  It was a great effort to be fair as if I’d missed it, it would have undoubtedly smashed my son’s soup out of his hand or knocked my Dad’s glasses off his face.  Kelvin Davis would have dropped it for sure.

To be fair, we made a bit of an effort at the start of the second half as Spurs opted for containment but it still took 10 minuntes for our first effort which came from Pellè who almost scooped a shot out with the ball under his feet and Lloris caught it quite easily.  Last year, Graziano scored a fabulous header against Spurs but this time he met Cédric’s cross and thumped it wide.

The substitutions were entirely predictable with Tadic and Davis coming off for Long and Juanmi.  That’ll scare ‘em.  My spiel at half time has obviously not worked as my son voices the opinion that “we aint gonna score if we play all night”.  It’s rubbish and deflating and even kids notice it.  There is no impact from either sub and then, in another entirely predictable move, JWP came on for Clasie.

JWP’s first contribution was to get tackled near his own goal line by Lamela and Spurs sub Carroll was presented with a  chance with the whole goal to aim at and instead picked out Gazza with a back pass type shot.  Time went by with us creating nothing and not threatening until the 91^st minute when JWP connected with a sidefoot effort from 8 yards which should not have given Lloris a prayer but a lack of pace on the shot gave the keeper time to plunge to his left and make a very good save low down. 

Well that was another shocking pile of depressing shite. Once again we started pretty well, indicating that the manager had picked the right players and the right formation but we started dying on about the 20 minute mark and then the two goals in three minutes completely killed the game and at no point did I ever feel that we had any chance of getting anywhere near getting back into the game. There is no heart for the fight in this group of players. At the moment, once things go wrong they are completely fucking gutless and can never turn it round or even look like doing so.

We had loads of problems out there today and one of them wasn't Gazzaniga as he had no chance with either goal. The Portuguese right hand side of our defence is a fucking nightmare. Cedric is so lightweight that he may as well not be there at times and he completely dozes off and Jose Fonte is playing as badly as he has in any time of his career at Saints.  Maybe it's because he's covering his Portuguese mate at right back but he needs to look at himself. His positioning is bad, his tackling is bad and his distribution is appalling. Virgil is spending his entire game covering for Fonte mistakes at the moment and yes, he should've done better with the tackle that he missed on Kane on the first goal but he only had to come out there because Fonte had gone launching in higher up the pitch and taken Alli out. Virgil was okay apart from missing that tackle. Ryan Bertrand went walkabout and lost the ball at the start of the move for the second goal but what the fuck was Cedric doing just watching the ball when Alli was totally free behind him. He was so busy looking at Kane in front of him that I don't think he even fucking realised that Alli was behind him. What options have we got in defence though? If you leave out Cedric and Fonte as they probably deserve to be left out, you're then looking at two of Yoshida, Caulker and Martina to come in and anyone who thinks any combination of those three players would make the defence better is up a fucking tree. When you consider the three alternatives in defence it really makes you realise how bad the summer recruitment was. Oh yes it was bad. Today was the day I realised it fully.

In midfield you cannot play two lightweight midgets and one physically strong player and expect to get away with it against teams like Spurs who have pace and strength all over the midfield.  That one is down to the manager.  The one key battle today was Big Vic against Dembele and Dembele made Vic look fucking stupid and he is especially fucking stupid if he thinks he would get a game in the Spurs midfield. Fuck off and sit on the bench you sulky twat.  As I’ve said before, I do feel for Vic a bit as he’s at his best when just winning the ball and keeping it simple.  He’s having to do a lot more than that now because of the deficiencies of others and he doesn;lt look capable of doing it.

Clasie was actually at the heart of most that was good in the opening 20 minutes but after that we may as well have taken him off. Davis was out on the right, I assume to help Cedric out and to get Sadio into the middle but he was ineffective as well. If you look at the summer recruitment in the midfield area then we got Clasie who doesn't look fit for purpose for the Premier League at this stage. The one player I like in there is Romeu and he needs to play every week from now on. We need a nasty streak in there-someone who is going to put a foot in. Harrison Reed has to come into the equation as well. I want players that try for 90 minutes and make contributions for 90 minutes, not ones who fuck off after 25.

As for the strikers, well Graziano is doing exactly what he did last season and dying on his arse as we reach winter. Maybe he's carrying a knock but the fact remains that he's on the pitch and not doing much at the moment except moaning. Tadic is fucking useless for 98% of every match. I don't want that useless twat taking a single corner or free kick from here on in. Why the fuck is Gaston Ramirez not even considered good enough for the bench? With J-Rod injured for fucking ages, the attacking options are Shane Long who is only ever good enough to be a substitute and we have that other masterpiece of summer recruitment, Juanmi.

I remember answering some questions about the summer recruitment at the start of the season and I feel like a complete knob for being positive about it at the time and even being quite positive a few weeks back.  I think I swallowed the bullshit from Les Read about how good these players were but the fact is only Romeu and Van Dijk look anywhere near fit for purpose. Still, #WeMarchOn #MyArse

For me, this game was a game where the expectations changed. We are not going to finish in the top half, we are more likely going to be looking and hoping we can find three teams that are worse than us. Maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here but it was a day when I finally realised that our squad is just not good enough as we do not have the collective team spirit or fight to get by. Look at bloody Bournemouth at the moment. They do not have players with the same ability as ours but they're a miles better fucking team at the moment because they fucking play like a team both for eachother and for the shirt. Look at the team spirit in sides like Leicester, Crystal Palace, Stoke etc all teams who are going to finish well above us this year.   All of these teams have improved their squads whereas we’ve stood still at best.  Even fucking Aston Villa and Newcastle are showing more fight than our bunch of gutless wankers at the moment.  Maybe it’s time for our lot to realise that they’re not as good as they fucking think they are and it doesn’t matter how great you are as an individual if you don’t play as a team.  Maybe they don’t give a shit because they’re all looking for a move somewhere else – well perhaps someone better explain to them that though we are a “showcase” club, you’re not really showcasing your talents.  Maybe it’s time for the club to stop making these self-congratulatory videos and realise that if you take your eye off the ball then you will quickly end up back in the shit.  All the clever marketing shit in the world and deals with American academies etc won’t make up for crap on the pitch.

Koeman had some harsh words to say in the public about the naive and shambolic nature of our defending. It was good honest stuff but now he needs to deliver on his threat of changing some of the players. Truth is he doesn't have many options at the moment but January is fast approaching and recruitment will once again be the focus and we also need to ship out.  It's easy to say what we should have done but watching Toby Alderweireld today made me realise that if we were truly ambitious, we would have sealed his signing in the January of last season and we also would have signed van Dijk to play alongside him in the summer. That is what an ambitious club would have done. We thought we could get by by eventually signing Van Dijk and making do with Calamity Yoshida and a player from the Championship who has been relegated twice in the last two seasons.

Ryan Bertrand also gave an interview where he said we need to focus on what we did wrong in the mad three minutes. Bullshit!. The second half was a complete non-event because Spurs knew they had won the game and just got through it with the minimum of effort. We did absolutely nothing apart from the show a complete lack of fight or guts. The three minutes in question was where the goals went in but what about minutes 20 to 40 when we did next to fuck all and the whole of the second half where we were no threat whatsoever until the 91^st minute.

As I said, Spurs won that without looking particularly brilliant themselves, probably because they didn't have to. They coasted through the second half and easily kept us at arms length I have a feeling that if they had needed to win 4-0 then they could have done quite easily. Their keeper and centre backs are very good but they won the game in midfield where Dembele and Ali totally bossed it. Lamela and Erikssen didn't really do much but they still did a fucks sight more than Tadic and Mane.

How things change.  A few weeks ago we were unbeaten in 8 games and the results were holding up.  The cracks were there already in that we were playing badly for large portions of matches, even ones we were winning but we were papering over said cracks.  These cracks have become chasms in a few short weeks though and it’s only by working hard and being determined and playing as a fucking team that you get out of it.  We can get out of it as contrary to what I’ve already said – we have decent enough players to stay out of trouble but not if they play with a lack of application and inspiration like they did today, like they did at Palace, like they did against Liverpool in the cup.

Moving on and oh fucking great we have Arsenal at home. The Premier League is there for Arsenal to lose this season as they will never have a better chance to win it with United, Liverpool and Chelsea all being shit and City being massively inconsistent. Our best chance is Arsenal getting into that mode they sometimes get into where they just pass it about for five minutes with no end product whatsoever. Right now I can't see anything happening other than another spirit crushing home defeat. Happy fucking Christmas.  Maybe I’ll feel better about it all come Boxing Day.

Premier League Match 16 - Crystal Palace 1 Southampton 0

Paolo edges Kelvin Closer to the Rest Home

Crystal Palace away is not the sort of game that you want when you’re not in decent form.  Alan Pardew has got them playing some decent stuff with real width and pace in the team.  If they had a centre forward instead of Conor Wickham when they’d be challenging for the Champions League spots.  If you ignore Leicester for a second, I feel that Palace are going to be ‘this seasons Southampton’ in that they’re going to exceed expectations and therefore will probably get pillaged by all and sundry in the summer. 

Signing of the season for anyone has been Yohan Cabaye.  Everyone suspected that it would be a great buy at the time and it’s just been proven virtually every week.  When the big boys are paying £20 million plus for average players in that position, Palace picked up Cabaye for £10m.  Proven international quality and proven to be able to handle the Premier League and a player at his peak right now.  He would get in every single staring line up in the Premier League so it makes me laugh that the big boys weren’t interested.  It proves to me that they don’t actually think.

Having said that it’s a bit of a daunting game for us, apparently we’ve won our last 7 league games against them which is an amazing stat and a pretty irrelevant one.  They were pretty poor in both games against us last season, especially at Selhurst when we won easily by 3-1 with goals from Mané, Bertrand and Toby Aldershithouse.  We could do with a result like that today somewhat.

The team news was on the face of it... horrific.  Out went Stekelenburg, Ward-Prowse, Tadic and Pellè and in came Gazzaniga, Romeu, Yoshida and Long.  Three at the back and two defensive 

midfielders.  Hmmmm!  News came down that both Stekelenburg and Pellè were carrying knocks so that put a bit of a better slant on it in and I’m pleased Gazza was in the side after Kelvin’s ‘proving he’s done’ display against Leicester, earlier in the season.  Graziano is fit for the bench.

Away we go and the first incident of note is a ball in behind the Palace left back and Long is chasing it with Souare the Palace left back, who ignores the ball and runs towards Long who shoves him on his arse.  The Palace fans give it loads but their man deserved all he got.  Proper football broke out and Cabaye put a ball down our left flank and Yoshida covered over and made a complete balls of it and gives away a corner.  This gets drilled over and ends up with Bolasie on the opposite side.  His cross gets caught by the gale and goes from harmlessly floating out of play to heading towards the top corner but Gazza is alert and does well to tip it over the bar.  I tell you what – Kelvin would have left that.

Meanwhile, the corner is headed back to Cabaye and he absolutely creams it on the volley at the near post and it’s going in but Gazza is there again to shovel it over the bar and get knocked off his feet in the process.   Another corner and this time, Fonte doesn’t go with Wickham who gets across the front of him and heads goalwards only for Gazza to block again and for Davis to belt it clear.  It’s arse twitching time.

As usual, we’re not helping ourselves.  Our desire to keep possession at all costs rather than do something positive and decisive bites us as Cédric heads at full pelt back towards his own goal rather than just clear it and ends up getting bundled off the ball by Bolasie and the ball eventually finds its way onto the other side to Zaha who is pumping David Moyes daughter but he stops for long enough to drive a shot over the bar.

It’s a matter of time before they score but on 25, we at least create a chance on the break as Mané breaks clear, evades a lunge from Souare and plays a good ball over the top to Long who curls an effort over the bar when he really might have been better to hold it up for a bit and wait for support.  Hang on a second – we’re playing football now with some sharp passing in the final third and a clever Mané back heel putting Cédric away and his superb cross is flicked goalwards by the head of Davis but Hennessey takes off and claws out a superb save.  Bastard.

After this little spell and appearing to be on top, we immediately undo it in predictable fashion.  A boom forwards and another shit header from Yoshida straight to a Palace player.  The ball is played through to a Bolasie on their right who looks offside but no flag is raised.  He walks round José as if he isn’t there before laying it on a plate for a totally unmarked Cabaye to score from 6 yards.  Absolute wank.  Ok, it was possibly offside but it was complete shite from two of our three centre backs and considering we have two designated defensive central midfielders – why the fuck hadn’t one of them tracked Cabaye as he arrived in the box.  Mind you, the whole situation doesn’t develop if Yoshida heads the fucking ball with his forehead instead of his nose.

Not much happens in the ten minutes before half time and so we arrive in the changing room 1-0 down.  It’s been incredibly patchy but with Tadic and Pellè on the bench – there’s no need to feel that we are out of this yet.  I feel there is not much point persevering with this 3 at the back as we’re 1-0 down.

We start the 2^nd half ok with a great move up the right hand side with Cédric and Davis combining to eventually set up Romeu who drills a left footed effort from 25 yards straight at Hennessey.  They soon look more dangerous than us though and every time Bolasie gets it we just shit ourselves.  He rampages past some shocking defending on our right and presents another chance to Zaha who might as well have stayed shagging Moyes’ daughter in Manchester as he blazes over again. 

It’s substitution time with Yoshida being dragged to send Pellè on and much to my annoyance, Davis is off for Tadic.  Why the fuck has Davis come off?  Surely one of Romeu or Big Vic should have gone.  Nothing much happens and the 3^rd change sees Romeu off and JWP on.

Into the last ten and Cabaye is still pulling the strings and his superb diagonal pass picks out Wickham who controls well and hits it left footed.  It’s right down in the bottom corner but Gazza gets down superbly to tip it round the post.  Great save and he’s at it again as the corner flicks off someone in the middle and Bolasie smashes it goalwards back across the keeper but he again shows superb reactions to get down and block once more.   This is the best save of the lot for me.

With time disappearing, Virgil bombs one forward to Graziano who gets up and flicks on to Long.  He’s clean through and behind Delaney who is towing a caravan and he hits it, too close to Hennessey and he sticks out a boot to deflect it wide.  Bollocks, that was the chance.

Blah, another poor result.  You could argue this one either way... you could say that we created enough chances and had enough play to get a point but in terms of threat, Palace deserved to win a lot more comfortably than they did and if it wasn’t for Paolo Gazzaniga then they would have done.  Possession wins you fuck all on its own.  I guarantee one thing and that’s that Palace won’t give a shit about having 40% possession every game cos with that 40% they’ll create more chances and have more shots on goal than virtually every other team they play against.  Our season was pretty much summed up in this game.  We didn’t create that much but we had a great chance to nick a point at the end and if your strikers are clinical then we score and everyone from Southampton goes home happy.  Shane shouldn’t have given the keeper a prayer but he just smashed it too close to him and it’s a decent save.  The finish he produced for Ireland against Germany… that’s what was needed.

The positives… well that miss at the end did provide a positive in that it showed the value of playing with two up front.  The ball up to Graziano and instead of trying to hold it up and getting battered, he flicked it on and Shane got in behind him.  The main positive though was of course Gazzaniga who I have given dogs abuse to in the past.  He was magnificent today though and probably produced more saves in the one game than any of our keepers have in the past two seasons.  It showed the absolute folly of having Kelvin Davis as our keeper on the bench this season and don’t get me started on that Leicester home game. Steve Davis was decent in midfield and Oriol Romeu put himself about strongly.  The other side of the coin was that we played three at the back and that’s ok in itself but it means that Yoshida comes in and he’s having a shocker of a time recently.  It seems like the only goals we let in that he doesn’t have a hand in is when he’s off the pitch. His crap header contributed to the goal but the other more alarming problem is the form of José Fonte who is all over the place at the moment.  His horrible non-attempt to stop Bolasie on the lead up to the goal summed it up – too weak in the challenge.

Out came the social media keyboard warriors after the game with ‘Koeman out’ being on the agenda.  Unbelievable and not worthy of my time here other than to say that an 18 year old would have been 12 when Markus rocked up and we started improving, therefore having no knowledge of Poortvliet, Burley, Redknapp, and loads of other shite we’ve had to put up with right back to Branfoot.  We’re quick to slaughter Chelsea and City fans for having no knowledge of the time before money when in a smaller way, if you think Koeman should go, you’re exactly the same.  Sure, there have been some questionable decisions this season but aside from Ranieri at Leicester, show me one manager who has not been questioned.  Get a grip.

Personally I think we’re having the season that we should have had last year with all the changes.  It’s very disjointed and we go from looking very good to very bad, sometimes within the course of one game.  We lost a load of players in the mass desertion of 2014 but this year we lost the most important one in Schneiderlin and he’s the first one that’s been irreplaceable.

Our next two games are bastards as well and they’re both at home to the North London massive of firstly Spurs and then Arsenal.  My dislike of Spurs knows no bounds so what better game to kick start the season again.  There seems to be some confusion as to whether Aldershithouse is a bad guy or not.  He is, he’s a wanker, great player but a wanker.  There seems to be some confusion as to whether Spurs acted properly or not over his transfer.  Their actions were dubious at best.  Let’s fucking do it.

Premier League Match 15 - Southampton 1 Aston Villa 1

Garde Applauds as Another Player Wastes Time

No matter how bad your recent form, a visit from Aston Villa should be the perfect way to kick start a run of decent results.  This is because results are telling us that they are complete shite with just five points from 14 games, a situation that no team has ever recovered from to stay up.  They have dispensed with the services of Captain Bellend Tim Sherwood and appointed Remi Garde as their new manager.  If they thought his apppointment was going to signal an upturn in results then they were right – they got a draw.  At that rate of improvement, they should reach the magical 40 point mark by May 2019.  It’s a scandal really how such a big iconic club can have got themselves in such a state.  It’s what happens when the owner of a club doesn’t care too much or when he runs out of money.

Talking of scandals – we’ve had three days to get over the Liverpool game but I haven’t yet.  It was unbelievably bad and I expect a few of the players to pay for it in the team selection.  I think I would rather be playing a decent side today – one where we knew we had to play well in order to get a result.  It’s ridiculous that you have to worry about your players not putting it all in but yes, that Liverpool game was that bad.

In the event, the only changes were the return of José Fonte and JWP being preferred to Clasie who has a detention at school.  The bench looked spectacularly underwhelming with two defenders, two defensive midfielders, a goalkeeper and two strikers, one of which was Juanmi.  Gaston was nowhere to be seen and nor was Maya Yoshida.  Villa had a few problems with Micah Richards being out so the defence looked very dodgy.

We start well, winning a free kick which JWP whips in.  It’s cleared to Mané who beats a defender on the outside and pulls it back, finding Tadic on the edge of the box.  It’s a free shot on his left foot and it has to hit the target but he lamely sidefoots it over the bar.  Utter shite.  Another great chance follows as Big Vic puts Tadic away and he puts in a great ball from the left and Pellè lunges at hit and sends it into orbit from about 6 yards.  Big Vic then heads wide at the back post when he should have headed it across and we haven’t played 5 minutes yet.  Another chance goes begging when Tadic gets a ball over from the right and Mané chests down before lashing miles high and wide.  Four presentable chances, none on target.

We are in complete control of the game but a lot is breaking down with the final ball.  A ball gets played to Pellè who spins away from the defender and gets wrestled to the ground by Okore who is more or less the last man.  Free kick… surely that’s at least a yellow then?  Apparently not. Twat referee.  On 20 minutes, a corner drops of José Fonte about 6 yards out after a Guzan flap and though his poked effort beats Guzan, Gestede is there to kick if off the line.  The next corner presents another headed chance to Mané but he heads over the bar…. From 2 yards.  Fucking hell.

So, we haven’t scored in 20 minutes so now of course, it’s time to sit back and allow Villa to play themselves into the game.   I thought it might be better if Plan B was to try getting a shot on target but no, sitting off is where it’s at.  Pass, pass, pass with no urgency in closing down.  When we get it back, usually courtesy of Villa passing it straight out of play for no reason, our build up is so slow that they’ve got 10 behind the ball by the time we try and play a through ball.  We also love trying to walk the ball into the net and we favour trying to get past the massed ranks of Villa defenders by playing trying lodas of flicks and tricks on the edge of the box before we lose it.  Twenty minutes of tedium go by with no decisiveness or quality and just a JWP booking for a tackle that was 5 minutes late.

It’s bollocks and then it gets more bollocks when Fonte gives the ball away and Virgil has to bale him out and give away a corner.  Vertout mis-kicks it across at knee height, JWP misses it at the near post and it skims across the box to where Lescott is waiting at the back post and he knocks it in easily.  Fucking hell. What a wank goal.  Utterly ridiculous.  Half time and a quick boo as the players leave the field.  How the fuck are we losing to this lot?

Half time and we are rid of the annoying bald bloke.  The ‘new direction’ that was announced as a reason for him leaving and joining Spurs (I shit ye not) is to have Francis Benali’s daughter Kenzie present exactly the same half time and pre-match routine.  To be fair, she’s pretty good and a lot less irritating than the bald bloke but it’s amusing that they leave her surname out when announcing her name.  Everyone knows who she is and who her dad is.  All we want to know is can she drop kick Nick Barmby in the head or launch John Fashanu at the moon.

The second half starts quite slowly… well we win a corner as Mané has a shot deflected wide but Tadic takes it and it’s it’s shite and headed away by the first defender.  The next 10 minutes sees Steve Davis driving everyone on and he’s absolutely everywhere whilst others like Big Vic and JWP are playing like they’re wearing concrete boots.  A Cédric cross arrives with Davis at the back post.  He brings it down with his chest and volleys it but some bastard defender throws himself at it and it deflects off him and over the bar.  Great defending to be fair.

Big Vic has picked up a knock and is limping away to be substituted which is a lame end to what has been a poor performance by the big man and on comes Oriol Romeu and Tadic is off after another performace that has had the odd decent pass mixed in with 95% frustrating bollocks.  Whilst I’m quite pleased that he’s gone off, I’m not so delighted with Juanmi coming on.

Juanmi appears to be on some sort of mission though and the two subs have definitely livened things up.  Not only does Juanmi actually touch the ball but he has a header at the back post which goes wide from another decent Cédric cross.  It’s the kind of position that Shane Long scored from against Man City a week ago and against Newcastle on the opening day.  Just saying.  Juanmi looks likely though and after a rare Villa incursion into our half, we break and Davis puts him away, running at Okore.  He shoots and Guzan saves well

On 71 minutes we win a corner out on our left.  JWP swings it over and in slides Romeu to bundle it in at the back post.  Thank fuck for that.  Romeu piles into the net to grab the ball so we can get on with it but hang on, a Villa player has gone down out on the left wing.  72, 73, 74… get him off for fucks sake.  Oh look he’s up and alright.

For reasons unknown, Villa get a bit adventurous and get into our half for the second time in the second half and nearly score as we all ball watch as Vertout chips is across and Westwood has a free volley at the back post but he takes a leaf out of our school of finishing and smashes it into the crowd.

Before long, Shane Long is on for Mané who has been trying hard without it working.  I feel a bit sorry for him as he spends most of his time running away from the goal on the right wing.  We have to find a way to get him up the middle with Pellè.  Time ticks by, usually with a Villa player on the ground or the referee imploring Guzan to get a fucking move on with his goal kicks.  We’re not creating much though other than with set pieces.  JWP puts in a ball from a free kick, awarded for a cynical Hutton pull back on Juanmi (similar to the one Okore did on Pellè in the first half which got nothing) and Lescott heads it for a corner.  JWP again and Virgil heads over.  As we approach the 90 mark, Shane has an optimistic shot into the side netting.  From the resulting goal kick, Guzan finally gets booked for taking an age.  Oh that’s really worth it ref you fucking twat.

The board goes up, 5 minutes.  You have to be taking the piss.  There is no grandstand finish and not a lot happens aside from Villa players rolling around on the ground and them limping off to be substituted from one side of the pitch to the other.  Fucking Stephen Hawking could move faster than that.  Spot on 5 minutes – the end. Fuck.

Whatever way you dress it up, this is an appalling result against quite possibly the worst Premier League team I have ever seen. They were absolutely shit and yet we've managed to draw with them because of the shit goal that we gave away and our ineptitude at sticking the ball in the fucking net. This game it should have been dead in the first 15 minutes but after that we did our usual and stopped playing with any urgency and allowed Villa to get a foothold in the game.

Once we'd equalised then Villa just disrupted the shit out of it with convenient injuries and time wasting, the like of which I don't think I've ever seen. That's not their fault though and all teams do it to a degree. My issue is with the fucking referee Anthony Taylor who let them get away with it. Booking the goalkeeper in the 90th minute is going to achieve fuck all. It would be partially acceptable if the referee added the correct amount of time at the end but that’s only part of the issue. It's the total disruption of the game and absolutely taking the piss.

How the fuck can there only be five minutes added at the end. There were six substitutions so that's three minutes straight away. When we scored it took three minutes to kick off again whilst a player feigned injury. Then we had Guzan taking the piss on every goalkick and every free kick and throw-in was taking ages. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that there should have been double the amount that was actually added.

The substitutions that were made today made us a lot better which is unusual of late. I have to admit that I am moaned like a bastard when Juanmi came on but he did more in his first 10 minutes than he'd done in his entire Saints career to date. Romeu coming on for Big Vic made an enormous difference as well because the Spaniard played with energy and most importantly, he obviously gives a shit. It's not obvious that Big Vic gives a shit anymore.

I thought he was irreplaceable at the start of the year but he looks a much worse player this season. I think he is being asked to do more creatively and he just doesn't have it in his locker to do anything apart from win the ball and play it simply. In addition, his attitude is clearly not all that it should be at the moment. If you're genuinely sorry and want to forget about the transfer to Spurs that didn't happen, then why are you still talking about it every month or so.

The midfield is still our main problem area instead but it was also noticeable that JWP played better once the substitution had been made. Stephen Davis in midfield was magnificent however, especially in the second half where he led by example and continually drove the team forward.

Up front, Tadic did my head in after the first 10 minutes. His set pieces were uniformly shite and he gave the ball away constantly. His role in the team is to provide quality in delivery and final ball but nothing was happening, hence our struggle to score again a shite team. Mané was again too wide to be most effective and Graziano hardly got any service again.

Bollocks to it.  Whilst I’ve been procrastinating in getting this written, we’ve had the 3^rd Round Draw for the FA Cup.  We could have got the Skates or Eastleigh but instead we’ve got a boring and shit draw, at home to Crystal Palace.  It’s boring because we play them twice a season anyhow and it’s shite because they’re a good side and it’ll be tough… and of course they knocked us out last year.

Next up in the league we have… Crystal Palace away. I told you the cup draw was boring.

Capital One Cup 5th Round - Southampton 1 Liverpool 6

6-1 and Still a Fucking Twat

When the draw was made for the Capital One Cup Quarter Final and we got Liverpool, it initially looked like a decent draw but since then of course, Jurgen Klopp has got them playing pretty well.  Not as well as the media hype would have you believe and it’s a bit early for many Liverpool fans to be proclaiming him as the new Shankly or Paisley but he’s undoubtedly had an effect.  It remains to be seen whether he’ll realise that Milner and Henderson are both complete shit and that Lovren and Lallana are both complete twats – if he masters that then I’ll believe he’s a great manager.  They are playing well though and a 4-1 win at Manchester City a week ago made many sit up and notice.  I thought I might stop hating them as much once that slimy smug tosser Rodgers was sacked but whilst Lallana is still there and I’m still confronted with that fucking awful Nivea advert on my TV then it’ll still be a team I want to beat, right up there with Spurs.

The advert… well it starts with some beard stroking and then we then see a montage of things that are hitting Lallana in the face but it’s not realistic because Brendan Rodgers balls are not featured.  What we get is a granny closing in for a snog which couldn’t have been in there is Wayne Rooney was in the advert.  Cut to a fake changing room scene and Coutinho is kind of in the background because he has some sort of self awareness and he wants to get paid but he doesn’t want to make himself look a complete helmet.  No such worries for Skrtel, who rubs Nivea into his arms like he’s about to stick his arms up the back end of a cow and deliver a calf and we then see Adam stroking his beard again and he’s enjoying it just a little bit too much.  Cut to the money shot of Adam holding a pot of Nivea to the camera with the other two in the background.  Lallana couldn’t look more of a knob if he tried.  The biggest surprise is that he’s made it through to the end of the advert and not been replaced by another player two-thirds of the way through.

Anyhow, back to the football and it’s the Capital One Cup Quarter Final and it has to be decided tonight with penalties if we have to.  If truth be told I’m not too optimistic, given our alarming habit of having 20-30 minutes off in the middle of games.  We will be up for it though, of that there is no doubt and I hope the fans are too.  In the eyes of the national media, Saints are merely there to provide opposition for Liverpool and Klopp who really are the media darlings who are currently falling over themselves to report Klopp’s every breath, mainly centred on whether Coutinho will be fit or not.

Ronald’s pre-match press conference tells us that José Fonte is not going to be fit and that means that Caulker starts.  Other than that I expect to see a proper first choice starting XI with Tadic, Pellè, Clasie and Cédric all in the side with JWP, Long, Romeu and Yoshida all on the bench.  The other three quarter finals were all completed yesterday with Everton, Man City and Stoke all getting through – three teams that we’ve played and lost to this season.

Correct on the team front and it looks like Liverpool have left a few out.  Sturridge is playing though, as is Niveatwat.  Pirlo is in midfield – no wait that’s Joe Allen with a beard.  At the back they have Lovren who we could do with a horrendous mistake from.  I’m finding all this out from my phone as I walk to the ground having been delayed in traffic and not being able to park the car.  I end up over in a multi-storey near the Ocean Village cinema and this is only relevant because as we got to the ground and through the turnstiles which had a ridiculously large queue outside, there’s a cheer.  It’s obvious that someone has scored but not obvious who from the volume and it’s not until Sadio Mané’s name is read out that I realise we’ve taken 39 seconds to take the lead.  Well, they have a slightly makeshift line up so hitting them hard and early was certainly in the gameplan.  For the record, Tadic put Bertrand away on the left and his cross dropped to the back post where Sadio arrived to head past Bogdan.  Looked great from where I was in the Chapel concourse.

It’s looking good straight afterwards.  Tadic has the full back Randall on toast and Lovren and Skrtel can’t handle Pellè at all.  We look like we mean business and we’re going to get a second goal pretty quickly.  A header from Big Vic is clawed away by the keeper and Tadic is cynically blocked off by Randall for the first yellow card of the game.  Robbie Madley is the referee… we had him at Chelsea when we had a mixture of excellent refereeing (the Falcao dive) and gross incompetence (Sadio’s booking for diving when hacked over twice and Virgil not given a pen when Ivanovic ripped his shirt off).  Davis then fired over and after 10 minutes, the tide began to turn as Liverpool began knocking it about.  It looked like one of our slacking off periods was about to happen and it did – we sat back and let them dictate the game.

Allen clipped a ball over the top to Sturridge whose control was shite and it ran towards the right back position.  Sturridge picked it up, Caulker didn’t get close enough and then showed Sturridge onto his preferred left foot and he smashed it past Stekelenburg for Liverpool to score with their first shot… cue the wanker dance in front of the Saints fans in the corner.  Don’t injure yourself doing that you twat.  Five minutes later they have their second shot as Can put a great ball through and Sturridge was in acres.  He had so much space that I thought he must be offside but sadly not, it was just shit defending and bang, 2-1 down.  Our midfield is hopeless.  Big Vic is doing his thing but Clasie has curled up and died.  Liverpool are putting him under pressure and he’s disappeared.

We had a half shout for a penalty for handball but I don’t know why anyone even gets excited for those these days.  There was certainly no way Madley was going to give it.  In general though, Liverpool were now in complete control.  Niveatwat came over to the Chapel / Kingsland corner to take his second corner of the game (the first had sailed over every one and out for a throw).  This one’s better and it’s half cleared to Moreno who smashes it hard and low and it flicks off a player in the penalty area (Origi) and 3-1. Fuck off.  It’s nearly 4-1 right on half time as a cross comes in from our left and Niveatwat has a free header from 4 yards but luckily, Clasie appears and makes his one contribution of the half to brilliantly hook it away.  Niveatwat scoring right in front of me would have been a bit much to bear.  Sometimes you know at half time when a game is done and this is one such day.  We’ve been fucking crap for 35 minutes and deserve to be 3-1 down. 

Half time is spend pondering what we can do to get back into it but the fact is that the 11 that are out there is our best available.  Could bring Juanmi or Martina on I guess.  As it is we change formation and go with 3 at the back with Big Vic in between Caulker and Virgil.  I can see this maybe working against a weaker side who are sitting back and not attacking much but not today.  It looks like Bertrand is in midfield and Tadic is a kind of left wing back… this can only end well.

We look a bit interested for 5 minutes but Liverpool are taking it quite easy and still dominating possession.  We’ve got fuck all in midfield now and Joe Allen is looking like Zidane, finding space all over the place.  On the hour mark, Sturridge goes off and Ibe comes on and we replace Clasie and Cedric with JWP and Long.  Well – might as well get beat by loads than by 3-1, replacing a lightweight midfielder with a lightweight midfielder and a full back with a striker.  It nearly works as Tadic gets in another cross and Long can’t seem to get off the ground as it slides off his head and wide.  The next goal is either going to make it interesting or kill it stone dead and predictably it’s the latter as Ibe puts a good ball through to Origi and the man who has done absolutely nothing his entire Liverpool career, creams it into the roof of the net from the edge of the box giving Maarten no chance at all.  Four fucking one.

Oh look, five fucking one as Moreno goes down the left, impeded by absolutely no fucker, crosses and there’s Ibe with all the time in the world to control it and smash it past the keeper.  All it needs is a Nivetwat goal to round it off and has a go but slices it horribly wide.  People are streaming out of the ground and whilst usually this boils my piss, today it hard to be too harsh on the deserters.

Damage limitation as Romeu comes on for Davis and maybe it did limit the damage with just the one more goal with Origi completing a hat-trick with a free header from a cross by a teenage substitute who had run round Caulker like he wasn’t fucking there .  Fucking garbage.

In some ways it’s easier to take than losing 2-1 in the last minute but that was right up in the ‘hard to swallow’ stakes.  We all crapped on about a move to Liverpool being a sideways move for all our players – anyone think that now?  Now that they haven’t got a retard running the side they look pretty good and even previously bad players look decent.  From tonight’s line up, Skrtel, Lovren, Moreno, Allen, Can, Lallana & Origi (to name but 7) all look twice the players they looked under Rodgers.   Make no mistake, Liverpool were very good and very clinical with their finishing but we made them look like Barcelona with a display that was as bad as you could ever wish to see.  Origi’s hat-trick and the final score put me in mind of a game against Spurs in ’95 when we were ahead and then conceded 6 with Ronny Rosenthal scoring a hat-trick.  Neither Rosenthal or Origi had done anything with their respective clubs to suggest what was coming but it came against Saints.  Is it a freak result?  Maybe, but we were really bad.

I watch The True Geordie videos on You Tube every week and the recurring theme as Newcastle lurch from one heavy defeat to another is that the Toon fans don’t need a team that wins but they do need a team that tries.  I’ve never been able to level that criticism at Saints before but tonight there was large parts of that game where we didn’t try.  Everyone looked energetic when we had the ball but it’s when you haven’t got it that you notice who can and who can’t be bothered.

Pretty much the whole game was a disaster after the first 10 minutes.  The midfield disappeared and from that point on, Liverpool pissed it.  You can point fingers at virtually everyone including the manager (who at least acknowledged his failings).  What the fuck was going on in the second half?  I understand the fact that it’s a cup game and you have to go for it but you have to have to have a bit of brain about it.  If you’re going to move Big Vic to the back then you are taking our one midfielder with any strength out of the midfield. Surely then you have to bring Romeu on or else what’s going to happen?  I’d love to know what instructions were given to Bertrand.  Where the hell was he playing?  He clearly didn’t know and was one of the worst at not being arsed when we lost the ball.

Was Tadic, a player who doesn’t defend, really at left wing back?  Does Vic have any clue about marking players?  The amount of space that Origi had in the second half suggests not.  When playing with 3 centre backs, surely they have too be relatively close together, not miles apart. Caulker is passable, just about, maybe... as a centre back in a back four but due to a lack of cover at right back, was kind of playing as the right centre back in the three and also at right back with loads of space around him and he doesn’t have much pace and has the turning circle of The Titanic and they exploited it massively.  Mind you, he was awful in the first half as well, especially on the first goal.  Get close, don’t let him turn, show him onto his weaker foot.  Any of those would have done but no, back off, let him turn and send him onto his favourite foot... bang!.  Clasie showed another deficiency in his game today, playing like a 12 year old in a mans game.  Liverpool put him under pressure and he just disappeared.  Sure he’s a good passer but he’s got to show it and show more desire to get on the ball and influence the game or else he’s a waste of a shirt.

Why did we switch off yet again after starting well?  It’s like we have a collection of players with the memory span of a goldfish.  They can remember what they’re supposed to be doing for a short time and then they just start wandering about with no plan and no clue.  After the first 10 when we were all over them we went back to long ball up to Pellè... boom! Tadic & Bertrand stopped taking on the already booked novice full back who would almost certainly have been sent off if we’d kept running at him? Why stop attacking the obvious weakness?  Everything should have gone down that side, much like how Liverpool pinpointed the massive space around Caulker in the 2^nd half.

Positives.... err, none!  I guess it proved how good José Fonte is and I guess it proves to the board that we’re not as good as all the #wemarchon cringe bollocks stuff suggests we are.  However, I did smile when Niveatwat, displaying his usual lack of self-awareness and horrific PR fuckwittery, tried to go and applaud the Northam at the end of the game.  Not a good idea when you’ve just won 6-1 and everyone’s pissed off anyway and he got a predictable response.  It might have had more chance of being accepted if Liverpool had lost Adam.

On a day where stories hit the papers with Ronald hinting that the ‘sell expensive buy cheap’ policy was not sustainable long term, it’s worth having a ponder on what happens this summer when no doubt, Big Vic and Sadio Mané will be off.  We’ll probably get about £40 million for the pair and what will we do with it?  With the money from the new TV deal kicking in as well, another summer of cheap buys is not going to go down too well – not least with Ronald.  Of course, spending big does not always bring results (Ramirez, Osvaldo).  We have a slightly deeper squad now but the quality of the starting XI is down.  Thoughts of improving on last season seem somewhat fanciful today, to say the least.

However, on Saturday we have Villa at home.  A win in that one will make things feel very different.  They are properly in complete disarray so it should be a great game.  Personally I’d like to see Harrison Reed brought into the side to add some bite into the midfield.  That I think is our problem area as no combination of any three players has looked entirely convincing all season so why not give him a go.  Part of being a Saints fan is dealing with the disappointments and part of it now is dealing with horrendous exits from Cup competitions with bottle job performances like this one.  Getting beaten by Sheffield United at this stage last season was pretty bad and an abysmal performance and you could argue that though it’s Liverpool and not a League 1 side, we’ve surpassed ourselves tonight. 

Fucking rubbish.

Premier League Match 14 - Manchester City 3 Southampton 1

Yoshida Pisses About and Sterling is away...

In the build up to the Manchester City away game, many have been pointing at our unbeaten away record and looking at Manchester City’s two defeats in their last two matches and building it up as if it’s an easy win for us.  Bollocks will it be.  Their two defeats were a freak result against Liverpool and a defeat away to Juventus in the Champions League which is hardly the definition of a crisis.  We do have a sniff because they have their main defensive lynchpin Vincent Kompany out injured but what is billions of pounds of investment if it’s not to build a squad with.  Whoever is out, they’ll still have a decent side on the pitch.

An uneventful week for us aside from speculation as to who was going to play instead of Graziano but there is no choice really as J-Rod has just had a foot operation so is out for about two months.  So, Shane Long it is and I like seeing him play down the middle. Sure enough, Shane was up front but there were surprises elsewhere with Romeu in for Clasie, Maya in for Cédric and JWP in for Tadic.  Gaston made the bench, as did Curacao’s finest, Cuco Martina.  City’s side with all their injuries and all that, featured a front three, two of whom cost £50 million and the other being Sergio Aguero.  I imagine that the midfield of Yaya, Delph and Fernandinho cost them a bit as well.  The chance for us was getting at the back line which had the slow di Michelis, the thuggish Otamendi and in goal was Willy Caballero as Joe Hart was injured from dropping a bottle of Head & Shoulders on his foot, allegedly.

As the game starts, our formation looks very lopsided with Steve Davis on the left but it’s not clear if he’s one of the attacking three or making up a midfield four.  Formations are irrelevant though when you give the ball away with metronomic regularity like we do.  City swarm all over us and Sterling forces Stekelenburg into a save before a backpass and a momentary panic before Maarten decides against diving on it and toe pokes it clear.  Aguero makes his first contribution soon after and Big Vic scythes him down on the edge of the box.  A clear yellow card tackle if ever there was one but Roger East says no and it’s just a free kick.  Up steps Kolarov and smacks it against the bar.  It bounces down and everyone piles in but Stekelenburg again does well to calmly claw the ball back from the line.   Stekelenburg’s at it again, rusging out to block Aguero after some more shambolic giveaway passing, this time from Romeu.

It’s just a matter of time before they score and having allowed City to load the gun, we take it off them and shoot ourselves in the arse.  Maya dawdles with it out at right back and decides to try and take on Sterling.  Predictably he loses it and Sterling penguins away, into the box and squares for de Bruyne to tap into an empty net. Well played Maya you fucking idiot.  They can’t score if the ball’s in row Z for fucks sake.

We are now a complete shambles and a header comes in from Fernandinho after a corner and it’s expertly turned round the post by Davis.  Not Kelvin Davis – he’s not on the pitch and if he had been it would have gone in… Steven Davis has stuck an arm out and deflected it wide.  It’s a penalty and a red card but not today and we’ve got away with one there.  We make the most of the reprieve and defend the corner like wankers and it falls to Delph on the edge of the box.  He hits it and it flicks off of Virgil and sends Maarten the wrong way.  2-0… it should be about 5-0.

We’ve been complete shite but then out of nowhere, some hope as Virgil lopes forward, plays a 1-2, crops a shoulder past a defender and hammers in a shot which beats Caballero all ends up but pings off the bar and away.  A bit late but we’re now playing with Big Vic and Shane Long both testing out Caballero but he’s comfortable enough.

Just before half time, José Fonte goes down and doesn’t get up.  There’s a bit of fuss in the technical area but eventually we bring on a sub.  I have this horrible moment when I think that as Yoshida is having a mare, we might move him and bring on bloody Martina but no, Caulker is on.  At half time it occurs to me that we are resting players for Wednesday’s cup game against Liverpool.  Cédric and Clasie are two who Ron thinks struggle with three games in a week and I’m sure that Tadic will be back as well on Wednesday.  This wouldn’t be a problem if the squad players had stepped up but Yoshida’s has been shite, Romeu has looked lost and then you have JWP who has hardly touched the ball and has been completely irrelevant to the game.  Also, it goes down as another 25 minute spell where we just haven’t played at all to be added to the Leicester and Bournemouth 2^nd halves and the Man United middle hour.

Tadic has obviously had enough rest for Wednesday’s game so he’s on for Romeu with Steve Davis moving back and suddenly we look like a team.  A break down the right and Davis is taken out off the ball by Kolarov.  Play goes on and eventually we cock it up but the ref brings it back for the free kick.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen an advantage played for that long before going back to the original infringement.  It was like a play in rugby union.  Kolarov wasn’t sin binned however but even better, Tadic’ quick free kick caught Sterling sleeping, Mané fired a cross and Long rose at the back stick to bury the header.  Game on!

Five minutes later it should be all square.  Tadic picks it up on the left and drives goalwards.  There’s some real half arse tackling by Sagna and di Michelis and suddenly he just has Caballero to beat.  It should be a right foot slot into the far corner or a left foot blast across the keeper but instead he tries to scoop it over him and Caballero stands up long enough to claw it away from over his head.  The rebound falls to Long who gets a shot in but in true Steven Davis fashion, Fernandinho sticks out an arm and deflects it wide.  That’s a penalty and a red card too but the ref is at least consistent and we get nothing.  I can’t get over Tadic’ attempted finish though.  Just hit it man!

As we reach the 70^th minute we are committing men forward and then city break on us.  We have a chance to win it back but JWP puts in a horrible limp tackle and de Bruyne is off and away.  The ball eventually finds it’s way to the penguin who does his best Happy Feet impression away from Maya who looks like he’s carrying a sumo wrestler on his back.  Back to de Bruyne who picks out Kolarov on our right and all our defence (Maya specifically) has fucked off and Kolaraov, all on his own on our right, drives it across and in off the far post. Great finish… wanker.

Talking of wankers – Yaya Toure.  He’s got a shite attitude – only interesting in running forward and shooting and as soon as you get around him he just hits the deck and expects a free kick.  There’s no I in team but there is one in Selfish Twat.  Fernando is on for Delph and then they replace their ‘cheap’ striker Aguero with Wilfried Bony who cost about £30 million I think.

Yaya takes another dive – tosser.  He’s always talked about like he’s one of the best players in the world but then one of the genuinely best players in the world comes on as David Silva comes on for The Penguin.  Just what you want when you’re 3-1 down and we respond to their bringing on of the mercurial Spaniard by bringing on Juanmi for JWP, replacing one irrelevant player with another.  It all peters out like you knew it would before the ref puts us all out of our misery.

I fell like I’ve written this before but you can’t just play for a portion of a game and expect to get something out of it.  You certainly won’t get anything out of Manchester City at the Etihad if you present them with a 2-0 start.  The whole gameplan has to be around keeping it tight and not doing anything stupid but the message obviously didn’t get through.  There were a number who were atrocious in that opening 20 minutes but Maya Yoshida in particular has killed us, like he killed us in the Man United home game.  Just clear the fucking thing man. Or whatever that is in Japanese.

I’m sure that Wednesday’s team selection will prove that Ronald has rested players today.  I’m also sure that in the aftermath of this game that he’ll get slammed for it but he can’t win.  If he’d played Cédric today and Maya on Wednesday we’d have heard all the ‘disrespecting the cup’ stuff and ‘giving up on Wembley’ complaints.  I’d be amazed if any of Cédric, Tadic, Pelle and Clasie don’t start on Wednesday.

Back to today though and today proved again that having Big Vic and Romeu in the same side doesn’t seem to work.  Picking them together was I assume to make us difficult to play through but the pair of them kept giving the fucking ball away so it all went to shit and it was no surprise when Romeu was hooked at half time.  You can have one player in midfield who is not the greatest passer if he just plays it simple to someone who can pass it well.  If you have two then it appears you have twice as much chance of just giving it away.  As said before, this should be the end of the Maya at right back experiment but we may have to persevere with that occasionally until Cédric learns to play without a crash helmet.  I guess Martina may prove to be something other than completely out of his depth but I can’t see it.  JWP is reminding me more and more of Matt Oakley with every passing game at the moment.  You know he’s got ability but too often the game just completely passes him by.  One of these free kicks has to hit the net soon and he has to learn to tackle or at least get in the way.  He’s learning in the Premier League which is tough when you compare to a recently departed midfielder and consider that Morgan Schneiderlin was similarly lightweight and ineffective at a young age but in League 1 you don’t have to be brilliant every game.  It just isn’t working at the moment though.

On the positive side, today proved how good a keeper Maarten Stekelenburg is.  I’ve seen some really quite stupid articles which point the finger at him but he’s been solid all season and showed up well today.  In my opinion we haven’t missed Fraser Forster at all.  Our other loan, Stephen Caulker looked decent when he came on today as well and will surely have moved above Yoshida in the pecking order now.

Referee Roger East had an odd game today.  He was clearly trying to let the game flow and didn’t want to book people which is laudable but I don’t think there’s a Saints fan anywhere who would not have booked both Big Vic and Romeu in the first 10 minutes.  Vic’s tackle on Aguero in particular took me back to the days of Paul Wotton where the ball was in another post code when the tackle landed.  The ref also missed two clear penalties for handball, one for each side which at laest show consistency I guess.  Strange to think that if he’d given our one and not theirs then we would probably have been 2-2 with half an hour to play which would have given us a sniff of getting a result we didn’t deserve.  To complete the ref’s odd game, the advantage rule as played for our goal was more like the Rugby Union interpretation.  So – undefeated away record gone and two defeats in a row.  Moving on…

Liverpool come to town on Wednesday for the Capital One Cup Quarter Final.  Of course, all the focus will be on them and their German Messiah - Not here though.  I’ll be focussing on Nivea Twat Adam Lallana shitting himself when he gets booed and hopefully on us reaching our first semi-final since most of the people who sit near me in the Family Centre were born.

Premier League Match 13 - Southampton 0 Stoke 1

Graziano Celebrates Having a Week Off

The time since the last Saints game had been dominated by the terrorist attacks in Paris.  England played France in a friendly which was a played in a really good atmosphere of support for our near neighbours which was very good to see and it was good that out normal way of life was not disrupted.  People carried on and people went to football matches.

This all happened during what was an international week and once the average supporter got their head around reading about the terrorism, it was a case of scanning the internet for news of whether any of our players had come back injured from their playoff games or their friendlies.  Shane Long had played 35 minutes for Ireland in their successful Euro 16 playoff game against Bosnia and the media had tries to turn Ronald Koeman’s ‘surprise’ at this into a huge ‘Club v Country’ issue and had failed.  Our only issue seemed to be around Virgil van Dijk who had a knee problem, causing a precautionary half time removal but Ronald revealed that we had another issue which had nothing to do with internationals as J-Rod’s problem with his foot was probably going to result in more surgery.  He doesn’t have much luck does he?

Today we play Stoke who are traditionally horrible opposition.  The style of rugby that they used to play under Tony Pulis has been replaced with a style of rugby which does at least have some flair with the inclusion of Xherdan Shaquiri, Bojan Krkic and Marco Arnautovic.  They still have Ryan Shawcross playing at centre mountaineer and Charlie Adam at centre thug.  In goal they have Jack Butland who has been superb this season and cemented his spot as 2^nd choice England keeper with Fraser Forster being injured.  Virgil is fit so Saints have just the one surprise in the line up with Sadio Mané being on the bench and Shane Long starting.  It annoys me slightly that Sadio manages to arrive back late from every international break and I’m pondering why Gaston Ramirez is not on the bench.  Also, why is Long starting when he’s on just got fit again and Juanmi is on the bench again.  If ever there was an indicator that Juanmi is not impressing the management then this is it.  Personally, I’d have started Gaston.

Anyhow, my opinion does not matter - It’s Stoke, it’s fucking cold, let’s do this.... but first, let’s listen to La Marseillaise. OK.  Away we go.

Right.  As it’s Stoke and Shawcross – do we have a decent referee?  Hmm, it appears not as the mountaineering starts and no free kick given.  We don’t look too bad though and have the first real effort as the ball drops to Tadic on the left of the penalty area and he finds space to fire one across goal and wide of the far post.  Stoke create a chance which Bojan scuffs at the keeper but that’s not the issue – the issue is how east it was for them to build up and get into the position to have a shot.

We then do that horrible ‘standing off’ thing which has made a few appearances this season. Tadic gives it away on the left wing and we  allow Stoke to pass it about at will with Arnautovic and Pieters combining whilst under no pressure and the latter firing over a low cross and Bojan makes a run in front of Fonte and superbly flicks it past Stekelenburg and inside the post.  Oh shit, 1-0.  I’m forseeing a horrible afternoon ahead as the gameplan Stoke clearly have of defending deep and hitting on the break is now going to be even more difficult to combat because they have a lead to hold on to.

It has to be said though that their forward play is really dangerous, in complete contrast to ours.  Whereas we go pass-pass-sideways-pass-backwards-pass-pass-lump-to Pellè–lose it, Stoke go pass forwards-pass forwards-pass forwards-shoot with Shaqiri firing over and then bringing another good save out of Stekelenburg.

We do have a few chances but nothing that you’d call a good chance and we don’t get any on target.  Firstly José Fonte gets up to meet an inswinging free kick from Davis but gets too much on the header and headed it over.  Our next free kick is rubbish but is dropped by Butland under no pressure and Big Vic can only stab it wide.  I would have been interesting if Vic had tried to take it round Butland as the keeper just threw himself at the ball and would have trashed him.  Then, a Stoke attack broke down and we broke through Tadic but with Long failing to make a good enough angle for a pass, he took it on himself and lashed it high and wide of the near post.

I think that Cédric must have a second job as a crash test dummy.  Never does a game go by without him getting smacked in the face and needing some sort of bandage stuck on his head.  Perhaps the club could sell a patented Cédric crash helmet for kids who keep running into things.  He’s down for about 3 minutes but the ref decides that he’s cold so spot on 45 minutes, we’re straight off for half time without any time being added.

The half time break is a time for pondering what has gone on in the preceding 45 minutes and wondering what is going to change in the second half. That's what it usually for anyway. Today it was a time for thinking back over my 40 years of watching Saints and wondering if there had ever been a less enjoyable 45 minutes of football. I’m sure there has been but this one is right down there.  This general state of misery was not helped by the fact that it was fucking freezing cold.

The second half starts with some half arsed shambles from us and loads of space for them with Arnautovic finding Shaqiri who again fired over.  Arnautovic is an odd player.  His body language infers that he’s in a permanent sulk and he has a stupid little pony tail which makes him look like a twat but underneath all that, he’s a good player who most of the time, puts in a good shift defensively.

Finally some pressure as we start to ping it about with a bit more purpose but it’s all still in front of Stoke with no sustained pace in the attacks.  There’s some decent football but it always breaks down on the edge of the box or it goes to Tadic who get s a cross in which in either shin height or floated straight to Butland. We look like we’re trying to walk it in and sheer weight of number in the Stoke defence makes this impossible.  There’s on bit of play where Virgil brings it out of defence and plays a 1-2.  He picks it up again and tries to play another 1-2 but we check out and knock in backwards again.  He’s made a run and Charlie Adam is not going to track him but we turn around and come out again and Virgil’s left on the edge of the area, thirty yards ahead of the ball and waving his arms about because he didn’t get it back.  Vic sidefoots just wide from the edge of the box and Ronald decides that 65 minute sis enough and Sadio Mané comes on but it’s strange that Clasie is coming off as he’s been decent and easily our best passer of the ball.

No sooner has the change been made then Long runs across the top of the box and has a crap dive over an Arnautovic challenge.  I can’t even be bothered to appeal as it’s that obvious.  Lee Mason again shows he’s shit by not booking him.  With Davis having dropped back into Clasie’s position we are just about holding our own in midfield but then he’s taken off and replaced with JWP.  Our midfield has now disappeared and it’s just a case of waiting for Stoke to score and with that, Arnautovic strolls through and smashes one over the bar.

The only way we’re going to get anything is from a set piece (unlikely as we’re wafting them all straight to the keeper) or a penalty and we should have one as Wollscheid hacks Pellè over but the twat with the whistle is not having any of it.  To confirm that nothing is going to happen, Juanmi comes on for Cédric and his crash helmet, so we now have five strikers on.  All that happens is more Stoke chances as Afellay gets one on target which is past the keeper but cleared off the line by Bertrand.  We are resorting to pumping it long and from one of these bombs, Graziano clearly controls it with his arm, the referee blows and Pellè just smashes the ball into the crowd and has a yellow card waved at him before it’s even landed.  Great. 5 bookings and out of the Man City game next week.  End.

What a miserable game that was and thank Christ it's over. It is very easy to dismiss it as just one of those days and I guess it was but you have to look at why. A lot of it was down to stoke been Stoke and all the niggly fouls and climbing and all that sort of stuff. You of course need a good referee to stop all that and we didn't have one today as we had big fat bald guy Lee Mason who was terrible. How he missed the foul on Pellé defies belief.  Despite not giving us a penalty, Mason is not the reason we played so badly though as that lies a lot closer to home.

Whether it was the cold weather or the French issue I don't know but for whatever reason, a number of our players just didn't seem up for it today including the whole forward line which kind of means you’re going to struggle to score. The worst offender was Graziano who despite not getting much of the ball still managed to not fight for it or hold it up once and I don't think he held Shawcross or Wollscheid off once. They would have been expecting a really hard game but it must have resembled a training game for them.  Most of our good moments came through to Tadic but he in the main was dreadful and then we had Shane Long being Shane Long with no first touch, no composure and throwing himself around looking for free kicks and penalties that were never going to be given and just resulted in us losing the ball again. So that's the whole forward line who were terrible and then we had Sadio Mane coming on, on the right wing where he was pretty ineffective and the last throw of the dice was to bring Juanmi on who added another 10 minutes to his tally of minutes for Saints when he hasn't touched the ball. We may as well have put Steven Caulker on upfront and just launched it as it would've been more effective. Again, why is Juanmi on the bench when Gaston Ramirez is not? I know he's going in January or at the end of the season but for now, he's our player, we are paying him, and on merit he deserves to be on the bench. In fact, you could make a strong case for him being in the team today instead of Shane Long.

On the positive side, it was another good performance by Jordy Clasie who was always looking to pass the ball quickly and pass it forwards. It was strange to take him off because he was our best player and we just got worse once he went off.  Changing the formation never seems to work for us so in hindsight we should have taken either Long or Tadic off when Mané came on and kept the same formation. We hear lots of talk about impact subs but all our subs did today was make it worse. JWP did less than Davis as it just meant we were more open in midfield and it was only down to their shite finishing that Stoke didn't win two or three nil. As mentioned earlier, bringing Juanmi on is a waste of time.

A win today would have put us fifth but of course we have now dropped down to 8th and a lot of teams have closed in including bloody Liverpool who managed a quite ridiculous 4-1 win at Manchester City who will be keen to put that right when they play us at the Etihad next week. We will be without Pelle, thanks to his moronic booking today, though this may work out in our favour as we will have Long and Mane up against Di Michaelis and Mangala who are both as slow as you like.

I know it's a day for keeping the faith but as I froze my bollocks off, trudging back across the Itchen Bridge, I didn't really feel like it. We were fucking rubbish today and all we can hope for is that when we look back in May, that this is our worst performance of the season…. Apart from Midtjylland away perhaps... ok, our worst league performance of the season.... apart from Everton.

England Euro 16 Squad Prediction

Oi You... Out... You Don't Play for Spurs or United

(Writtem before the Spain friendly)

Having had the easiest qualification group in the history of modern civilisation, England have organized some high profile friendlies against decent countries… the kind of opposition that Wayne Rooney never scores against if it’s a competitive game.  The idea is probably to get us into some sort of shape for the tournament itself but this of course will be offset by England’s traditional half arsed 6-subs-at-half-time-keep-the-big-clubs-managers-happy approach.  We all know that if the big names like Rooney play badly in these games then it won’t make any difference to their chances of selection for the tournament but if Jamie Vardy has a poor game in one of his cameo appearances on the wing then he’ll be discarded and replaced in the squad by Daniel Sturridge, even if he doesn’t play a single one of these friendlies, which he won’t because he’ll be in a full body cast.

I thought it would be fun to try and predict what Uncle Roy’s squad will be for Euro 2016. I have made the assumption that everyone will be fit which of course they won’t be.  Excuse the cynicism that will no doubt pervade the rest of this article.

Goalkeepers – These will be Joe Hart and Jack Butland.  The third one will be Fraser Forster if he’s back playing by then.  Once you’re past these three then the cupboard is pretty bare as you’re down to the horrific John Ruddy.

Right Back – Nathaniel Clyne will be first choice as he’s now a much better player than last year because he plays for Liverpool.  There won’t be a second right back on the plane because one of the centre backs will play there, probably John Stones who will in fact probably start because the media will demand his inclusion somewhere in much the same way as they demanded Raheem Sterling in the starting line up for the World Cup.  Other right backs who get in the squad occasionally include Kyle Walker who gets in because he plays for Spurs and no other reason.  He can’t defend and has no positional sense – other than that he’s great.

Left Back – It’ll be Shaw and Baines if Shaw is fit.  He’ll probably be half fit so Baines will start and it’ll be proven yet again that he cannot defend for shit.  Ryan Bertrand will be left out no matter how well he plays for the rest of the season and will be behind Kieran Gibbs in the pecking order because not playing for Arsenal will be ranked above playing every game for Southampton.  Spurs have an English left back as well so Bertrand will probably be 5^th choice.

Centre Backs – Cahill and Smalling will start no matter how bad Cahill is in Chelsea’s defence this season.  It’s scary how Smalling has suddenly become our best centre back but he has improved so fair play.  You would think that the other two in the squad will be Phil Jagielka and John Stones.  However, here is always the chance of Phil Jones sneaking in there because 5 years ago, someone said he was the new Duncan Edwards when he’s in fact, the new Phil Neville as he can play badly in a number of positions.  This does not make him versatile.  In his main position of centre back he’s like a cross between Dejan Lovren (out of position and desperately trying to recover) and Steven Caulker (ball watcher).  He’s a Roy favourite though and apparently, according to Roy, “the country will ask questions if Phil Jones isn’t selected.”

Defensive Midfield – This will be interesting because Eric Dier may well make a late run because a) he plays for Spurs, b) he plays for Tottenham, c) Come on you Spurs and d) When the Spurs go Marching In.  Then you have my two favourites in Milner and Henderson who are both symptomatic of the problem that we’ve had in the England team for 40 years – an inability to keep the ball.  They run around a lot but have little actual ability with the ball.  This apparently makes them reliable (in the same way that Phil Jones is versatile). They will both certainly be in the squad and one if not both of them will be in the starting XI.  Roy seems to love Michael Carrick despite pulling out of about 10 England internationals in a row.  Opposition midfielders will be gagging for the chance to put him under the slightest pressure so he’ll be useless.  However, Roy rates the non-tackling, non-running central midfielder.  If fit, Jack Wilshere will be selected and probably stuffed into defensive midfield where he’s not very good.  Fabian Delph will probably fit into this category as well and he should be fresh after playing about 5 games for Manchester City this season.  Then we have Deli Alli who Hodgson said would be straight back into the Under 21s after the last game but of course, he isn’t.  Billed as a defensive midfielder, he came on as sub at Number 10 so who knows?  He might have a chance because of who he plays for as opposed to Jonjo Shelvey who will fall by the wayside as the season goes on as Swansea struggle.  He’s not a big name and not at a big club so will be easy to leave out as no one in the media will give a shit.

Attacking Midfield – Ross Barkley has been the best player in England’s last few internationals but isn’t trusted by Hodgson so he’ll be in the squad but probably not in the team as Rooney will have to play somewhere won’t he.  Adam Lallana will get in the squad as there’s always room for a player who clearly has fitness issues and you need them when you have potentially 6 games in a month.  I wonder if they still give out physical England caps and if they do, does Lallana get 60% of one, without the peak or something.  Raheem Sterling will start on the left despite not having anything resembling a left foot but he cost a lot of money so he’ll be in.  On the right will probably be Theo Walcott whose best position is down the middle but Rooney plays there.  Alex Chamberlain will be in the squad as well as he always is as he’s used to playing 1 game in 5 for his club and it might affect his confidence if he’s not selected.  Another who is probably better played centrally but he’ll be out on the wing because he can run.  I’d better include Jamie Vardy on here as if he makes the cut, he’ll be in the squad as an unused reserve left winger, even if he scores in every game he plays from now to the end of the season.  Mind you, to even get in the squad he’ll have to withstand the challenge of Danny Welbeck who will probably get one goal in the last game of the season and get in.

Strikers – We all know that Rooney will play and we all know that he should not be a starting player for England any more.  He’ll start, probably as the number 10.  He would be the main striker but for the emergence of Harry Kane who will start because a) he deserves to and b) Tottenham Tottenham, no one can stop them.  Actually, the one thing that will stop Kane starting will be Daniel Sturridge who will play if he can get a shirt on over his full body cast and some socks on over his two protective boots.  As I said, Rooney will start even though the world can see that he’s gone as a top level footballer.  The English disease of keeping a player past his sell by date as a reward for his past achievements.  It’s one of the reasons we do nothing in these tournaments and will continue to do that.  Top level sport is about being ruthless and decisive and we are just not that.  We took Frank Lampard to the last World Cup for Christ’s sake.

So, My (depressing) Prediction for Roy Hodgson’s England Squad for Euro 2016 is:

Hart, Butland, Forster

Clyne, Baines, Shaw, Cahill, Smalling, Stones, Jones

Wilshere, Henderson, Milner, Carrick, Lallana, Sterling, Chamberlain, Barkley, Walcott, Rooney, Kane, Sturridge, Welbeck

Gibbs, Bertrand, Jagielka, Alli, Dier, Delph, Shelvey & Vardy will all miss out.

The starting XI will be:

Hart; Stones, Cahill, Smalling, Baines; Henderson, Wilshere, Carrick; Rooney, Kane, Sterling