A Very Biased Premier League Review 2012/13

Didn't 'Arry Do Well!!!

Click here for start of season predictions:

http://www.leagueoneminus10.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/premier-league-guesswork-predictions.html

Time for me to make a dick of myself as we look back...

1^st Manchester United (predicted 2^nd) – Saints 2 United 3, United 2 Saints 1

Sir Taggart’s last season was another triumphant one as they won the league at a canter.  Everyone thought they needed a midfielder to challenge and they doubtlessly do, especially to challenge in Europe but all they needed to win the Premier League was Robin Van Persie.  Many would have shied away from paying millions for a 29 year old but that outlay won them the title, pure and simple, though they would probably have found another way to win it if RVP had decided to remain at Arsenal and help in their quest for 4^th place.  Elsewhere in the side, nothing much changed.  De Gea is still a bit dodgy and Rio is still a bell end with “I wanna play for England / I withdraw from the England squad  / I retire from international football”.  It was also nice to see Wayne Rooney throw his toys out of the pram again and demand a transfer.  The last time he did this was a couple of years ago in protest at a lack of quality signings – so they sign RVP and Rooney finds himself playing less which triggers him throwing his toys out again.  It’s all me, me, me the hateful little squirrel headed twat.  We played really well in both matches against United this season but ended up with nothing which goes towards explaining why they won the league.  2-1 up with 10 minutes to go at SMS ended up as a 3-2 defeat with RVP scoring all 3 and at Old Trafford we lost 2-1 and were labelled “the best team to play there all season” by Sir Alex.  I can’t see the appointment of David Moyes slowing them down too much either, the only problem could be if Howard Webb leaves them in protest.

2^nd Manchester City (predicted 1^st) – City 3 Saints 2, Saints 3 City 1

I thought they’d build on last season’s title triumph and buy some more top notch players and win the League again and make a better fist of the Champions League.  As it is they did nothing and won nothing as a number of the players appeared not to be bothered and everyone involved in the club except the fans seemed to lay the blame at Roberto Mancini’s door, a door which he was unsurprisingly shoved out of straight after losing to Wigan in the FA Cup Final.  An average first half of the season including a disastrous Champions League campaign was followed by the walking headline that was Mario Balotelli being sold to AC Milan in January and not replaced and though City played well until April, they fell apart when it mattered, culminating in an abysmal performance in the Cup Final when some players just confirmed they needed to be got rid of.  They’re turning into the Northern Chelsea and one can only hope that their fans who have always been excellent with humour and humility, can retain that and not follow the Chelsea model of becoming wankers.  Assuming they get a decent manager in place, one who recognizes Nasri and Clichy are questionable of attitude and Milner and Barry are questionable of ability, they can be strong next season.  We played well but naively in our opening Premier League game when we got beaten 3-2 at City but we turned that round with an excellent performance and 3-1 win at St.Mary’s, the highlight of which was a great finish into his own net by Gareth Barry.  Deadly.

3^rd Chelsea (predicted 4^th) – Saints 2 Chelsea 1, Chelsea 2 Saints 2

A bewildering club with a bewildering owner.  The timeline was roughly – won the Champions League with di Matteo as the caretaker manager, give him the job permanently even though Abramovich obviously never wanted to, sacked him after 10 or so games at a cost of millions, see Pep Guardiola decide to become manager of a stable club who won’t treat him like shit, appoint Rafa Benitez as Interim manager and see him get slaughtered by the fans and see this gradually tail off as he wins the Europa League and qualifies for the Champions League again.  Totally mad and totally classless (see treatment of Lampard until he became their new top scorer of all time) at every turn but you can’t argue with their success.  They need no stability and no clear plan, just Roman’s chequebook.  Now it appears they’re getting Jose Mourinho back and whilst Chelsea fans will see this as a dream appointment, I’d say it has at least an even chance of going horribly wrong.   Some fabulous players like Cech, Mata, Luiz, Hazard and Lampard and some serious potential in Oscar and even in the much maligned Fernando Torres who seems to have finally awoken from his three year slumber.   In Nigel Adkins last game we came back from 2-0 down to grab a draw at Stamford Bridge with a Lambert header and a goal of the season effort from Punch and then outplayed them at SMS to win 2-1 when we were no doubt assisted slightly by it being the first of 3 games in 5 days for them.  They still had a decent side out though and Torres played in a mask and was shite.  Quote of the year from a bloke in my office – “I said I wouldn’t support them any more when Rafa came in, unless they won a trophy”.

4^th Arsenal (predicted 3^rd) – Arsenal 6 Saints 1, Saints 1 Arsenal 1

Arsenal achieved their seasons’ aim which was to win the trophy of 4^th place.  All they appear to care about is qualifying for the Champions League cash cow every year and that’ll do.  Forget actually winning everything.  In a year where Van Persie joined Nasri , Clichy and Fabregas in winning whatever League they were in immediately after leaving Arsenal, Arsenal struggled like mad at the start but when it mattered, when their 4^th place was under threat, strung the results together at the of the season to sneak in ahead of Gareth Bale.  Celebrating like mad after clinching 4^th must make the pantheon of Arsenal greats from the George Graham and early Wenger squads feel like throwing up.  They pissed me off this year with the lack of game time for Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who appears to be going down the Walcott route of going backwards and having his confidence destroyed for 3 years before getting another chance.  Walcott himself has had his best season this year as has been playing up front more.  Strikers signed after RVP left were Podolski and Giroud who have been a qualified success and they still lack that Vieira type in midfield.  Needless to say, they’ve been linked with our young players again with Shaw and Schneiderlin tiresomely being about to sign allegedly.   They played us at a good time (for them) last season and hammered us 6-1 when we defended like a blind team with no rattle in the ball in a game which was the beginning of the end of Kelvin Davis as our first choice keeper.  A much better performance at home saw us grab a decent 1-1 draw.

5^th Tottenham (predicted 7^th) – Saints 1 Spurs 2, Spurs 1 Saints 0

Gareth Bale – that is all.  With him playing like he did they finished 5^th, without him they’d have been about 12^th.  He was that good and the rest of the Spurs side were that average.  I believe he’ll stay next year so Andre Villas Boas has one more attempt to get it right and that means buying a decent striker.  Even if they do that, it’s hard to believe Bale will be that good again next season.  Villas-Boas did better than I expected as when he was at Chelsea he seemed like a boy who’d been bought the most expensive train set and he seemed to be lacking both in temperament and in the art of being a manager.  Maybe there is something about Chelsea that brings out the worst in people (actually, there’s no ‘maybe’ about it).  There have been flashes from the likes of Adebayor, Huddlestone, Lennon and Defoe and a mention must go to the excellent Jan Vertonghen in defence.  Spurs did the double over us this season with a 2-1 win at SMS when we only turned up for the second half and a sickening game at White Hart Lane when we were the better side but got done by a Bale wonder goal with 5 minutes to go.  I was hoping they’d nick the last Champions League spot just to shake things up a bit but even yet another Bale wonder goal in the last minute of the last game wasn’t quite enough for them to overhaul Arsenal, for the 10^th season running.  The safest bet of all is for them to finish 5^th again next year.

6^th Everton (predicted 6^th) – Everton 3 Saints 1, Saints 0 Everton 0

Not only did I predict their correct finishing position, I also predicted in August 2012 that David Moyes would not go to Spurs but would wait for the Man United job to come up.  Have it!!!  It was an excellent 6^th place finish for The Toffees who added some flair to their traditional ‘hard to beat’.  Now Moyes has moved on I fear for them a bit as in a perfect world they would keep their good players like Baines, Fellaini, Mirallas etc but I can see them losing a couple.  Managed to finish 6^th without a genuine success at centre-forward with both Jelavic and Anichebe sharing the burden and mainly struggling.  The impetus was provided by the 3 players mentioned earlier with Fellaini in particular being on fire in the first half of the season, even though he commits a foul every single time an opposition player is near him,a bit like a new, updated afro-headed version of Kevin davies in that regard.  The new manager choice is obviously massive for them next season and some of the names being banded about would worry me – Martinez? Benitez?  It was Men v Boys when we played them at Goodison as they recovered from us taking an early lead to score 3 goals in ten minutes before half time and then coast through the 2^nd half. The SMS game was Mauricio’s first game in charge and was significant because even though it was 0-0, we adapted to the required pressing game very quickly and the players showed that they weren’t going to capitulate because Nigel Adkins was no longer on the bus.  Also, it showed that Saints fans have a bit about them and in a most un-Chelsea way, didn’t slaughter the incoming manager for replacing a popular ex-manager.

7^th Liverpool (predicted 8^th) – Liverpool 1 Saints 0, Saints 3 Liverpool 1

At time marvellous and at times woeful.  They seem to be on the right lines with Brendan Rodgers though and this is annoying because I really don’t like him.  He seems to be such a smug twat.  He’s fallen into the Liverpool Way which is to pay way over the odds for average players so joining Carroll, Henderson and Downing, we had Borini and Joe Allen.  In January he did a bit better with the purchase of Daniel Sturridge and Phillipe Coutinho but now he has to get the defence right – however, expect them to pay stupid money for Callum McManaman from Wigan – I’m not in the know on this but I just reckon it’ll happen.  Through it all they’ve had Luis Suarez who is a brilliant player, in addition to being a cheating, diving, stamp-tackling, biting, brainless, horrible little shit.  It’s been remarkable how many games they’ve got out of Steven Gerrard this season as well.  When we played them at Anfield we seemed to have a large dose of ‘overawed’ and we allowed them to stroll to a 1-0 win but we put it right at SMS when Pochettino’s tactics of pressing and getting in their faces worked like a dream and they clearly didn’t fancy it at all and weren’t good enough to deal with it as we cantered to a 3-1 win.

8^th West Brom (predicted 18^th) – WBA 2 Saints 0, Saints 0 WBA 3

I got this one wrong, big time.... and here’s why.  Ah, the loan system.  Big club buys striker who is never going to play for them and loans him to another club in the same division, where he’s brilliant and his club finish miles above where they would usually be…. Can I hear you say ‘distorts the competition’.  I’m repeating myself here but the rules are crap.  Romelu Lukaku is his name and what a player and where would West Brom have finished if they’d been reliant on Marc Antoine Fortune and Shane Long for all their goals.  That said, they had a great season with what they had and that included Steve Clarke in his first season.  Lukaku was obviously big part of it but the rest of the teams was set up very well and they were particularly formidable at home.  Their fans always deserve a mention as well as in my opinion they are always one of the best in the league, loud and good humoured.  As a club they dealt with the Odemwingie issue very well and basically said “you’ve been a knob, now go and rot in the reserves” and they confound me by having Liam Ridgewell in the side and still doing well.  We are the team that they want to play every week as they annihilated us twice with the game at The Hawthorns being a particularly painful one where our performance warranted an 8-0 defeat.  We managed to lose 3-0 at home which I feel was a bit of a freak result and everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  They deserved to win though so fair enough.

9^th Swansea (predicted 17^th) – Saints 1 Swansea 1, Swansea 0 Saints 0

I thought they’d struggle this year and in my first draft of predictions, I had them to go down but then I remembered that my brother-in-law would give me hard time so I moved them up.  I reckoned without two things... one, that a having a new manager would have no negative effect on them... and two, Michu.  They have a club wide philosophy and a way of playing which means that if the manager changes, the style of play doesn’t majorly change.  Michael Laudrup was of course, a fabulous player and he’s translated that into being so far, a very good manager.  Even if they’d paid £20m, Michu would have been a fantastic buy with 18 goals but he cost a tenth of that.  Doesn’t matter how well you do though – if you play for Swansea you won’t get nominated for Player of the Year.  Laudrup may well not be there next year as he’s sure to attract offers from other clubs but Swansea won’t struggle as they wouldn’t appoint a Mark Hughes or a Harry Redknapp.  Won the Carling Cup this year of course and fell away in the league somewhat after that.  Without the Carling Cup win they could well have been challenging for the Europa League places through the league.  I don’t think I’m being too biased in saying we should have got at least 4 points against them but we got two, thanks to a Gazzaniga shocker at St.Mary’s when his casual clearance put Yoshida in the shit and handbag thief Nathan Dyer nicked the ball and scored.  At the Liberty, Adam Lallana had a perfectly good goal disallowed by Stevie Wonder on the line whose view was obviously impeded by his guide dog.

10^th West Ham (predicted 16^th) – West Ham 4 Saints 1, Saints 1 West Ham 1

Hoooooooooof!!! I know it’s predictable and some would say childish but there you go.  To be honest they’ve had a great season and managed to sneak into the top 10.  I don’t like Fat Sam but you can’t argue with the results.  Their opening fixtures were the polar opposite of ours in that they had winnable home games which they took advantage of which got them settled into the league and they never looked like getting relegated at any point.  Like with West Brom they signed a striker on loan from a big club in Andy Carroll and though he’s derided as a donkey, he’s central to the way they play.  Put it this way, if they’d had to rely on Carlton Cole they’d have been in the mixer with the other bottom half clubs so again, the loan system distorts the competition.  Kevin Nolan didn’t surprise me by being a moaning bastard but he did surprise me in playing well and contributing a fair number of goals.  Tomkins and Collins at the back were on the whole decent as well and Fat Sam favourite Jaaskeleinen should be good for another few years.  The decision was made to gift them the Olympic Stadium for £1m rent a year which is a big boost to them.  It’s easy to be annoyed but if we were offered a 70,000 capacity stadium in Eastleigh for next to nothing – would we take it?  Of course we would.  Mind you, we wouldn’t have billboard adverts for Super Intruder Dildo’s and Open Legs Monthly.  How’s that for the Olympic Legacy?  We got stuffed at Upton Park by 4-1 in the second of our seasons low points when we were absolutely shocking and got bullied and then drew 1-1 at SMS in a game we really should have won but a deflected Carroll free kick nicked a point for them.

11^th Norwich (predicted 19^th) – Saints 1 Norwich 1, Norwich 0 Saints 0

I thought Chris Hughton would struggle and that they’d go down but even though Hughton did struggle, they stayed up.  An 11^th place finish highlights the small margins between finishing 11^th and finishing 17^th as in truth, Norwich were pretty poor, especially in 2013. They looked to be in freefall and a real possibility for the 3^rd relegation spot but thrashed an ‘on the beach’ West Brom side and then turned over a similarly demotivated Man City to give them a bit of breathing space and maybe paper over a few cracks.  Norwich did well this season considering the momentum of back to back promotions and a solid first season was undermined somewhat when the manager cleared off in the summer.  Chris Hughton never seems a big enough character to be a Premier League manager but he’s done well to keep them in there.  They also have Robert Snodgrass who has the kind of face you’d never tire of hitting with a big stick.  We should really have won both games against Norwich this season but ended up drawing both.  The away game was particularly galling as Lallana produced miss of the season and then Grant Holt took a dive and Twattenburg bought it in an attention seeking moment.  Luckily, Boruc saved it but we still saw fit to give Twattenburg some treatment for a scandalous decision and we got fined £20 grand for the kind of thing that Sir Alex does every single week.

12^th Fulham (predicted 13^th) – Saints 2 Fulham 2, Fulham 1 Saints 1

My prediction on Fulham at the start of the season played on the fact that they are very very boring and uninspiring and basically, just deathly dull.  They have a statue of Michael Jackson but they’re still dull.  They had a dull season and were probably in 12^th or 13^th place all season, never threatening the top 10, nor ever looking like they might get sucked into the scrap at the bottom.  What highlights there were, were provided by Berbatov who is brilliant when he can be bothered but he plays with the demeanour of a guy who can’t believe that he’s now playing for Fulham.  “Keep Calm and Pass Me the Ball” as the T-shirt says. On the back it said “as all the others are fucking useless”.  After that there was only Martin Jol’s interviews when he speaks in that low voice which registers on the Richter scale.  We had two draws against the this season with a 2-2 at SMS when Jose Fonte scored in the first and last minutes and there was a 1-1 at Craven Cottage in yet another away game that we really should have won.

13^th Stoke (predicted 10^th) – Stoke 2 Saints 3, Saints 1 Stoke 1

For the 5^th year in a row they survived and for the 5^th year in a row they did it the same way under Tony Pulis, by playing rugby. The difference is that this year the Stoke fans seemed to tire of the direct approach and want to move on.  Hence the Chairman decided to dispense with Pulis after the last game.  Started the season very well especially at home but it all died after Christmas and for a couple of weeks they looked in real danger.  Hoofball is tolerated if it gets results but if it doesn’t then fans think that you may as well be getting beat trying to play the right way.  Squad will need a major overhaul if they are going to start playing differently next season and it could well be a case of ‘careful what you wish for’.  You can’t imagine them playing tika-taka football upto the feet of 6 foot 8 Peter Crouch and 6 foot 4 Kenwyne Jones.  They did provide one of the more bizarre incidents of this season though with Kenwyne and the pigs head in his locker.  What happened to Rory Delap this season as well?  Unless he’s dislocated his shoulders or something there’s no reason why he can’t play as all he ever did was take throw-ins.  He could take those if he was in a wheelchair.  When Stoke were good at home we put in a very decent performance and drew 3-3 in a game that will be remembered equally for Guly’s open goal shocker which would have put us 4-1 up and Cameron Jerome scoring an incredible goal against us in the 95^th minute when he hit the top corner from 30 yards.  At SMS – well it was boring and end-of-season and we should have won but ended up drawing 1-1.  As I write they’re looking at Mark Hughes to replace Pulis.  If you want a man to rebuild a squad then Hughes is your man, just look what he did at QPR.

14^th Southampton (predicted 15^th)

That’s us... well we started like Blackpool from a couple of years back, playing great entertaining football and losing in the face of a horrendous fixture list but we didn’t help themselves with naive tactics and too much loyalty to players who clearly weren’t good enough like Kelvin Davis and Danny Fox who to be fair, we did try and replace.  Chastening defeats at West Ham and West Brom probably sealed Nigel Adkins fate but not before he turned it around, helped by a change of formation, Maya Yoshida bedding in, Jack Cork being fit and Luke Shaw emerging.  Once Saints started picking up points and settled on Artur Boruc in goal, we were heading upwards when Mauricio Pochettino came in to replaced Adkins and he media universally spoke as one to declare that Saints were a horrific club and Nicola Cortese was a horrific chairman – all because he makes unpopular decisions – the fact that he gets them right is ignored pretty much.  Pochettino carried on the good work and some top notch wins against Man City, Chelsea and Liverpool meant that Saints never really looked in danger (unless you are a bedwetter) until a little wobble at the end where in the main, the performances were still good but the points gained didn’t reflect that.   It was odd in a way, we started off not being able to defend, then sorted that out and everything was good for a few month and at the end we forgot how to attack. An exciting summer with a clear out of deadwood and the recruiting of new players follows which will hopefully see us convert a few more of those good performances into wins and a crack at the Top 10 next season.

15^th Aston Villa (predicted 14^th) – Saints 4 Villa 1, Villa 0 Saints 1

Aston Villa are a massive club who should be competing around where Liverpool, Everton and Spurs are, just below the Champions League places.  The fact that they’re not is down to them cutting their cloth accordingly and bringing in youngsters and lower league players (Lowton, Baker, Bennett, Westwood) which has to be applauded.  Paul Lambert looked like he was about to commit suicide at several points this season (losing 8-0 at Chelsea can’t have been great) and they looked doomed in about February but they turned it round and fair play to them.  Christian Benteke is to Villa what Gareth Bale is to Spurs in that he single handedly made the difference between finishing where they did and finishing considerably lower.  I hope they hang onto him but I bet they don’t as someone will lob £20 million at it (probably Spurs) and prize him away.  What is it about Belgian players at the moment – can you imagine playing against Benteke and Lukaku?  At the end of the season it was Gabby Agbonlahor who was doing the business but a star all the way through was Brad Guzan in goal who replaced has-been Shay Given early on and got better and better.  It’s hard to see Villa improving though as they still seem to be short of cash so don’t expect too much more next season.  We hammered them 4-1 at SMS when we were brilliant and we nicked a 1-0 win at Villa Park when J-Rod earned himself a lifetime of getting booed at Villa with a crap dive that Gareth Bale would have been proud of, which won us a penalty.

16^th Newcastle (predicted 5^th) – Saints 2 Newcastle 0, Newcastle 4 Saints 2

They came 5^th last year which was a surprise but I thought they could do it again as they would build on the squad and improve.  However, what they did was sell their main goalscorer to Chelsea in January, had a bad trot with injuries, didn’t have a big enough squad to compete in Europe and panic bought every Frenchman who could kick a ball that they could find in January.  It remains to be seen whether Pards will be there next season as despite having an 8 year contract, this season will not have been good enough for Fat Cockney Mike and Derek Llamasass.  In Pardew’s defence, the spine of Krul, Coloccini, Cabaye and Ba all spent time injured or in Ba’s case were sold.  Papiss Cisse had his moments but wasn’t half as good as he was at the tail end of last season, except for of course against us at St James’s when he scored from three miles out (yes, he was still offside).  We got whupped 4-2 at their place in a game that was pretty close until we brought Danny Fox on and he gave a penalty away and then smashed a ball at Big Jos which flew into our own net whilst at home we easily beat them 2-0 with Gaston having a superb game and Newcastle playing like Stoke and just launching it up to Ba and Cisse up front.

17^th Sunderland (predicted 9^th) – Saints 0 Sunderland 1, Sunderland 1 Saints 1

Dreadful season for the Mackems as I felt quite confident in my 9^th place prediction for them.  In the end they were lucky to survive which they did, purely by being slightly less shite than Wigan.  Martin O’Neill had a mare this season and they were heading for relegation until they sacked him with 7 games to go.  The choice of Paolo di Canio caused unsurprising controversy given his Fascist past (not Fascist present – yeah, whatever) and the fact that Sunderland is not exactly a right wing town and the fact that it had the shit bombed out of it during the war has not been forgotten or I suspect, forgiven.  Still, on the pitch Sunderland managed a couple of wins including a great one at Newcastle and managed to stay up.  Di Canio dances around like a gibbon and has declared that nearly all his players are pathetic but he’s got to prove himself long term now and I just can’t see it carrying on without some sort of blow up.  Anyway, for this season they relied on Steven Fletcher’s goals in the first half of the season and main signing Adam Johnson continued his career downturn which started when he left the Smoggies to go to Man City.  They do have a lot of very average players and it will be interesting to see if they hang onto Simon Mignolet who was worth 10 points to them on his own this season.  We lost an abysmal game to them at home due to a crap shot which turned into a perfect pass and recently drew 1-1 at their place to confirm our survival in a game we really should have won comfortably.

18^th Wigan (predicted 20^th) – Saints 0 Wigan 2, Wigan 2 Saints 2

Wigan have survived relegation the last few years by winning when it really mattered, usually in April and May which to me says they are a side who can do it when they really have to but also that they can take advantage of teams who are on the beach with nothing to play for.  They proved the first theory by winning the FA Cup which was a brilliant performace against Manchester City but by the time of the final, they were already in the shite in the league and finding themselves having to win at Arsenal to stay up.  A 4-1 defeat summed up their season really and Roberto Martinez’ managerial career there, nice going forward but rubbish at the back.  They deserved their FA Cup triumph and they also deserved to get relegated.  Unlike the other two relegated clubs they have some players who will still be in the Premier League next year – Shaun Maloney for one and Callum MacManaman has probably done enough in one performance at Wembley to earn himself a ridiculously overpriced move to Liverpool.  He’s one I’d love to see at SMS though he did spark me getting annoyed at Wigan with his shocking tackle on the Newcastle player and Martinez and that arse Dave Whelan then defending him.  They won that game when MacManaman should have walked after 20 minutes and compounded it with a last minute winner from a blatant handball.  They did a 2-0 job on us at St.Mary’s as we were still acclimatising to the league but in the game at the DW, we pissed all over them and managed to snatch a 2-2 draw courtesy of two set pieces lobbed into our box. However, their luck finally ran out.

19^th Reading (predicted 12^th) – Saints 1 Reading 0, Reading 0 Saints 2

I’d like to know what on earth I was on when I predicted that they’d finish 12^th.  I think I assumed that the new owner would spend a bit of money and replace those that obviously weren’t good enough but aside from buying Pogrebnyak, he never really invested in anyone any good and consequently, their squad was woefully equipped and you won’t find too many of them snapped up by Premier League sides for next year.  Their game plan in the Championship was to sit deep, soak it up and then hit on the break which they had the players to do but slow defenders like Pearce and Harte were always going to get found out in the Prem and their quick wingers, Kebe and McAnuff who tore up the Championship, just aren’t good enough.  Also – they won the Championship with a staggering run of form with Jason Roberts being the catalyst.  He was never going to be good enough this year and his replacement Pogrebnyak was a ridiculous buy for the amount he cost.  Brian McDermott got sacked a month after winning Manager of the Month when they had a streak of 4 or 5 games where they played abysmally for 85 minutes and then managed to rescue a point or win a game with goals in the last 5 minutes.  Without that lucky spell they would have been relegated by early March.  Nigel Adkins is their manager now and he’ll do fine next year but I can’t help but think he undersold himself.  We hammered them 1-0 at our place and the 2-0 success as the Mad Stad was probably the easiest away win Saints have ever had in the top flight.

20^th QPR (predicted 11^th) – QPR 1 Saints 3, Saints 1 QPR 2

Another shocking prediction from myself as I saw the amount of money Mark Hughes was throwing about and assumed it would pay off.  Instead it’s a lesson in how not to do it.  Give a poor manager millions to spend and he buys two big money goalkeepers for starters.  He signed Rob Green first and then signed Julio Cesar a couple of weeks later because he could.  Why?  He didn’t need him?  Was it a surprise to him that Rob Green was ..well, Rob Green.  He’s been around the English game for 10 years so you knew how good he was / wasn’t.  Ridiculous.  Bobby Zamora and Andy Sicknote Johnson, Jose Bosingwa, Kieron Dyer !!!! It just gets worse and then they sacked Hughes, brought n Redknapp who said he wouldn’t buy anyone and he then spent about £20 million and £200k a week on wages for Loic Remy (good player but arrested for gang-banging) and Chris Samba (big, slow, injured).  Not to forget Tal Ben Haim who never played and was then loaned out – nothing funny going on there then.  They got relegated and the players were laughing as they went off.  They have some stalwarts like Clint Hill and Shaun Derry who are going to be needed if they are to mount a challenge next year but they have the wrong manager in place and he’ll be off as soon as any London or Southern Premier League club gets desperate next season...”it’s a triffic club and fans but me ‘art wasn’t innit”.  Redknapp was a complete and total failure as a manager at QPR.  He had the “no money” excuse when he got relegated with Saints but he can hardly claim that this time.  We beat them 3-1 at Subbuteo Road which got Hughes the sack and had a mare against them at home in the only game where Samba and Remy both played well.  That game was the start of this years “Harry Houdini” great escape but it turned out to be bollocks, like their season and managers. 

Premier League Match 38 - Southampton 1 Stoke 1

Keys offers advice to J-Rod, Lallana and Davis

Sunday and the last match of the season and the Saints are safe.  The boring media figures who kept saying it wasn’t mathematical as we may indeed lose by 13 goals to a Stoke side who have only scored 12 away all season were silenced by Wigan predictably filling the 3^rd relegation place absolutely and definititively, with a 4-1 gubbing at Arsenal.

I’ll save all the season review stuff for another day but it’s nice to get to the final home game with no pressure.  Sure, each place in the league table is worth about £700 grand but that’s for accountants and not for the fans – we don’t really care about anything other than our team staying up.

In other football news we’ve seen the retirement of David Beckham to a predictable media wank-fest and the acknowledgement of the end of a few more of the alleged  Golden Generation with Jamie Carragher, Paul Scholes and Michael Owen all calling it a day.  Owen is of course on the Stoke bench today and Mauricio has threatened to trip him like he didn’t in 2006 in the World Cup.   Elsewhere, Crystal Palace got through to the playoff final against Watford where they will play off for the right to finish 20^th in the Premier League next year.  Palace’s 2-0 win at Brighton was marred or inspired by the discovery of a stray turd on the floor of their changing room at the Amex.  Our mate Gus Poyet went nuts though this might have been because he didn’t think of it.  He’s since been suspended by the club and will be on his way soon.  It appears the culprit was backroom staff and the rumours vary from one turd to ‘fuck off Palace’ being written in smeary shite on the dressing room wall.  Poyet also slammed the Brighton marketing departments’ idea of putting ‘paper noise makers’ on the seats.  I’m with him all the way on that one.  The only question for Gus is “can you keep up?” and I guess that Dagenham and Redbridge could have won the playoffs if they had Wilfried Zaha.

In the past week we’ve had to deal with the media shitstorm regarding the Don’s contract ending.  Then Mauricio came out and said that he’d probably leave if the Don did, then Terry Paine came out in support and then Morgan Schneiderlin did the same.  It all seemed to be part of an orchestrated use of the media to try and apply pressure on the Liebherr estate and it was seen to have worked when on Saturday it was announced that everything was fine on the Good Ship Southampton and full steam ahead and all you salivating hacks and drooling Pompey fans can crawl back under your rock.  Whilst 95% of Saints fans will be pleased with the outcome, a wry smile is in order when you consider what would happen if a SFC employee spilled stuff into the media regarding how the club is run.  Horses head.  Through all this chicanery, we learned out that our owner has a name and it’s Katharina Liebherr who wasn’t quoted but her meeting and agreement with The Don has paved the way for an exciting summer.

So, I’ve had a schoolboy shocker and turned up for a 3 o’clock kick off when in fact it starts at 4.  It was very easy to park and very easy to get a beer in the Chapel Arms before the game and watch Yeovil beat Brentford in the League 1 playoff final. Yes Yeovil are now two divisions above Portsmouth.

Mauricio had hinted at some changes to the team but in the end it was business as usual except in goal where Superkelv came in, in place of the rested King Artur.  Hopefully he won’t have one of his ‘nailed to the goal line’ days against this team which will undoubtedly lump it into the box.  On the bench we have Lloyd Isgrove and Calum Chambers who have replaced Steeeeeve de Ridder and Vegard Forren who obviously need to be rested as well.  Stoke have a few notables with Huth and Shawcross forming an uncompromising central defence as well as being their main source of goals assists (hoooooooof!) and they have Peter the Giraffe up front.  In midfield they have Steven Nzonzi in a mask which he presumably wears to cover up the fact that he’s a thug and a shite footballer who is not as good as he thinks he is.

Away we go and we’re off, attacking at pace and force a throw in the right corner.  Clyne’s throw puts Lallana up against ex-Skate Wilson who gets turned inside out as Adam cuts into the box and shoots, forcing Begovic to tip onto the post and Sir Rickie slams in the rebound…. YEAHHHHH-OHHHH-SHITTTT-OFFSIDE.  Someone at the time said to me that it’s a shame as it would have made it a better game.  I see their point but in fact, all it would have done is made Stoke RFC hoof it further and higher. 

I don’t get why people throw flares onto the pitch.  You’re going to be on TV and you’re going to get banned so well done to the Stoke supporting dickhead who threw a flare which very nearly hit his own goalkeeper.  Enjoy your ban mate.  Equally baffling is Stoke suddenly not clearing their lines and Huth gets caught with the ball and Sir Rickie tries an optimistic effort from miles out which flies over the bar.  One aspect of Stoke RFC play is functioning well though as J-Rod sets off on one of his runs from the half way line and before he can really get going, he’s cynically trashed by Whitehead who is about as close to the ball as I am in my seat in the Kingsland.

One the quarter hour we are popping the ball about and you know when we’re keeping it well because the whiny Chuckle Brother kicks off with ‘too many passes, too many…..’ as we work Clyne into a great crossing position but his cross is just a little high for Sir Rickie who heads over the bar.  We have another chance soon after and it’s following a Stoke corner.  First of all the corner takes ages to take as Nzonzi is being a wanker and shoving Corky and Superkelv about.  After the ref eventually has a word, the corner comes over and is headed clear to ex-Skate Wilson who pisses about with it and gets tackled and we’re away with Steve Davis leading the charge.  He streaks up the pitch with Lallana on his left and Luke Shaw of all people on his right and sadly chooses the wrong option.  Lallana still has the chance to lash it with his left foot but instead tries to slide in Shaw and it’s blocked.

Tony Pulis has had enough of ex-Skate Wilson who has had an absolute mare so far and so he’s substituted and replaced with Wilkinson which gives us another goal threat after his excellent own goal for us up at Stoke.  More good news is that the ref has had enough of Nzonzi who plays the cynical foul card to trash Corky as he was leaving him for dead and get himself booked.

The rest of the first half is pretty uneventful with us passing the ball, winning free kicks and corners and then ruining them all with shite delivery and Stoke cause a few murmurs when Shawcross manages a clean take at the line-out and the rolling maul wins good territory before they win a scrum and set it up for a drop goal attempt from Etherington which clears the bar, earning them bugger all except the half time whistle.

I listened to the announcer reading out the half time scores with a sense of complete boredom.  I don’t really care what anyone else is doing to be frank.  I’ve probably got a slight preference for Arsenal over Spurs for the Champions League spot but I don’t really care.  It’s the first season since the season with the -10 that we’ve gone into the last game with absolutely nothing on it – I like it.

What I don’t like is that within a minute of the restart we’re 1-0 down as Luke slips over the pitch with was watered at half time and Cameron gets down the wing and fires over a cross which Two Metre Peter gets to and expertly guides his header away from Superkelv to make it 1-0.  Bloody hell – for the 3^rd game in a row we’ve been the better side and then gone behind.  As the Stoke RFC fans sang “how shit must you be, we’re winning away”

Stoke RFC have now had their attack for the day and it’s now a question of whether we can score or not.  Our first decent attempt soon comes as Sir Rickie plays a lovely ball inside the full back for Clyne to run onto and his low cross it met by Steven Davis who tries to be too exact and sees his sidefooted effort hit Begovic on the foot and bounce away.  The Foot of Begovic is at work again soon after as another ball fed in by Clyne is cushioned by J-Rod into the path of Sir Rickie whose left footed effort is again kicked clear by the keeper as he dived the other way.  Bastard.

It can’t last for Begovic though and following a Lallana cross and a Davis turn and shot, Begovic parries it out into an area of penalty area that contains Sir Rickie and no one else, bang, 1-1 and not offside this time.  With 25 minutes to go, Punch comes on and he shits where he wants you know.  His first act is to put pressure on Wilkinson who slices his clearance over the head of Begovic but luckily for Stoke RFC, Shawcross is covering behind and calls for a mark before clearing upto the opponents 22.

Stoke RFC bring on a prop forward in Cameron Jerome to replace Matthew Etherington who is far too small and skilful and we respond with JWP replacing Steve Davis who once again, has run about 30 miles non stop.  A significant sub though is that Michael Owen is on to replace Walters.  Are we going to get the inevitable farewell goal?

It’s ourselves who have the first go at winning it as J-Rod picks up a pass from Corky and turns inside a defender but his left foot shot has no conviction and ends up as a backpass to Begovic who just picks it up.  Fucking smash it for Christ’s sake!!!!  The expletives are flowing out of me now as Corky is replaced with a forward.  On the face of it you’d think I’d be happy with trying to force a win but when the forward is the little African Bloke, you know it’s extremely unlikely.

The last few minutes of the season see Punch try a shot from 25 yards with is a daisy cutter but it needed saving.  Stoke RFC actually went forward and a cross from the right was heading for Owen but whereas 10 years ago we’d have been shitting ourselves with him getting the ball in this position, he confirms that his decision to retire was correct by playing an airshot.  There is one last chance and the little African Bloke nearly has me choking on my words as he cuts in off the left wing, inside the full back and then lashed one into the side netting.  Nice try but no cigar. The end and season over.

Overall this wasn’t a great game.  Once again we were the better side and I was going to say the more pleasing on the eye.  Mind you, a big turd on the floor in a Brighton changing room would be more pleasing on the eye than Stoke RFC.  They’re a shit West Ham if that was possible.  We played our football upto the final third and then over-elaborated and lots of times didn’t even get the shot away.  If you’re 18 yards out and there are 6 defenders in front of you, you’re better off just hitting the bloody thing than trying to play a blind little chip round the corner which may or may not pick out one of your own players.  More often that not, the last pass was given an almighty ‘Get to Fuck’ by the Stoke defender and smashed into orbit.  Sometimes, as Richard Keys and Andy Gray would say, “you’ve just got to smash it”.

Like our previous few games, we have little cutting edge.  You wonder who is going to score if Sir Rickie doesn’t with J-Rod having reverted to the form he showed under Nigel Adkins and Adam Lallana showing some lovely skills and twists and turns but not producing very much with it.  In addition, Steve Davis always has the demeanour of a man who is not going to score and then there is our set pieces which are uniformly shite.  Off the top of my head I think I can remember one goal this year from a corner (Jose’s shouldered effort at home to Fulham) back in September.  Punch made a difference to the amount of goal threat when he came on and the little African bloke made a difference in that I was even less expectant of a goal out of him than I was of getting a goal out of Corky.  Oh look, I’ve repeated what I said last week.

During his post match interview, Mauricio was asked if he was going to have a holiday and he predictably replied that he was meeting the Don tomorrow to discuss next season.  I somehow get the impression that we won’t be waiting until the end of September to sign new players for next season and it’ll be worth keeping your eyes on the Saints internet feeds over the coming weeks.

I was pleased that Michael Owen got an ovation from the Saints fans.  As an England fan (which I always will be despite Roy Hodgson’s latest efforts) I’d like to say thanks to Michael Owen for some of my best memories following the football fortunes of my country.  In no particular order there was the hat-trick against the Krauts in the 5-1 away win which was part of another glorious false dawn.  There was the opening goal against Brazil in 2002 before Sven froze on the spot and Ronaldinho lobbed Seaman from 40 yards (old joke) and of course there was the amazing run from the half way line as an 18 year old against Argentina when he put us 1-0 up and we ultimately lost on penalties after Beckham got sent off.  Then of course, there was the blatant dive over some Argentinean defenders leg in 2006 which won us a penalty…

In the end we finished where we started before the game in 14^th position, above Villa, Newcastle, Sunderland and the three slightly more shit teams.  Job done.  Season over.  Bring on the new one.  It’s going to be good.

4 seasons done – thank you for reading – spread the word – Glen x

Premier League Match 37 - Sunderland 1 Southampton 1

Don't mention the F-Word.  Paolo practices next year's goal celebration dance

At the weekend we have a game against Paolo Mussolini’s Sunderland side which was shaping up to be a ‘Champions League Final’ as the mild mannered and understated ex-Fascist put it.  That was amusing – everyone knows about his salutes in Italy, the ramblings in his autobiography and his appearance at a Fascist leaders funeral but somehow, one line at a press conference of “I’m not a fascist” made all that evidence go away.  Expect a new, updated, much thinner autobiography soon.

To the game and make no mistake, we can guarantee our safety with a win in the game but the desperation for this result has been tempered by Wigan contriving to lose at home to a Swansea side that has been on the beach for two months.  The simple maths are that Wigan will have to win an away game at an Arsenal side who are pushing for a Champions League place (which Arsene Wenger sees as a trophy) and then beat a resurgent Villa at home on the last day to stand any chance of finishing above us.  The Arsenal match is not until Tuesday because yesterday they had the small matter of the FA Cup Final against Man City to deal with where as you all know – they managed a very well deserved 1-0 win so maybe we should be a bit worried about them winning at the Emirates.  Even if they do win both league matches, we have to get no points from the trip to Wearside and a home game against Stoke Rugby Football Club. 

Maybe now we can start looking forwards to the summer transfer window with some optimism.  Staying up will mean that we’ll be scanning the news excitedly for rumours and details of high quality incoming players whereas relegation would have us waiting for the inevitable departures of Luke Shaw, Morgan, Corky and others, whilst wondering whether we should offer Danny Butterfield a new contract and trying to convince ourselves that Steeeeeve de Ridder will do a job next season.

My bad mood and irritation about our defeat at Spurs has been quelled by both the Wigan defeat and by the comments made by Andre Villas-Boas in the media where he was very complimentary about us and Mauricio and the ‘fantastic’ side he is building.  He was using us as a stick to hit Chelsea with (he described them as ‘invisible’ in terms of their style of football) but the bottom line is that he didn’t need to say that about us so it was nice to hear.  It’s funny – when he was at Chelsea I always thought he was a bit of an arse, like a kid who had been bought the most expensive and best train set.  Maybe being at Chelsea brings out the worst in people.

Other manager news which doesn’t have much to do with Saints but you have to mention it as in the grand scheme of things, it is news of seismic proportions.  Yes, Dean Saunders has been sacked by Wolves.  No?.... oh yes, Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement.  He got the job in 1986 after a defeat at The Dell when  Ron Atkinson’s United side got buried 4-1 by the mighty Saints with a couple of the goals coming from a young and thin Matt le Tissier.  I was a 17 year old in the Milton Road end for that game and remember it well and remember well how bad United were.  There have been many times over the 26 years that I’ve found Fergie to be an ungracious hypocritical tosser and an arrogant bully boy to boot but you can’t argue with his achievements.   Saints have of course, had a few successes against him and it was always nice to hear his ‘gritted teeth’ analysis of the game afterwards – the grey shirts 3-1 game springs to mind, as of course does the 6-3 stuffing.  This season, he’s praised us after a United win and we were labelled the best team to visit Old Trafford this season which we’ve heard a few times after we’ve played teams off the park and lost.

When he started winning everything you always felt that United had the advantage of having the biggest ground and global fanbase and therefore, had the most money to buy big players with.  Over the past few years, both Chelsea and Manchester City have had more cash to throw around due to ridiculously wealthy owners but United still keep on winning more often than not.  Everyone thought Ferguson needed to get a midfielder in at the start of the season but United won the league the moment they signed Robin Van Persie – you have to think that Fergie really does know best.  Good luck to his replacement David Moyes .... no pressure.   Sadly, I have a feeling that he’s going to do pretty well.  So, United will get relegated next year and Paolo’s not a fascist (he said as he goose-stepped out of the room).  Hmmm!

To be fair to Paolo, his arrival at Sunderland made people comment about the negative side of him which is that he’s undoubtedly a nutcase and he has a history of completely losing the plot.  What was lost in all the fascist stuff and the powder keg stuff was that no one really acknowledged that he’s an incredibly engaging personality who was always going to have a good initial impact.  He got this with a stunning 3-0 win away at Newcastle and a very good hard fought 1-0 win at home to Everton.  Alright, they got buried 6-1 at Villa but the 7 points they’ve got with him in charge means that in all likelihood, his appointment will be vindicated.  Longer term – who knows?

Paolo the former Fascist has lost a few players through suspension and has covered this by recalling a full back and shoving Adam Johnson up front to partner Danny Graham who according to some, was on the verge of an England call up when he was playing well for Swansea in the first half of last season.  Since then he lost his place, Swansea signed Michu, he got sold to Sunderland despite being a Newcastle fan and to cap it all – he hasn’t scored a goal yet.  Let’s hope that continues for another 90 minutes at least.  Our team news sees the return of Morgan Schneiderlin with Guly dropping out of the squad altogether, probably due to the injury he picked up last week.

What becomes apparent from the opening few minutes is that Sunderland are very tentative or nervous or shite or maybe a combination of all three.  We’re on top straight away and force a couple of corners which in our usual fashion, we waste with poor delivery from Lallana.  We get an early free kick in a very good position to cross into the box but Lallana wafts it over everyone and out for a goal kick which was a colossal waste, especially as Sir Rickie had lost his marker at the back post.

When Sunderland get the ball they inevitably welly it away but the impressive Rose breaks away down the left and is halted by a decent tackle by Clyne.  It’s worth reflecting that Rose is their best player by a mile and like Carroll at West Ham and Lukaku at West Brom, not owned by the club they’re playing for.   I may have mentioned before that I think loaning within the asme division is a joke.  As an aside though, how on earth is Rose out on loan at Sunderland and that Afro-headed clown Assou-Ekotto is in the first team at Spurs?   In the diagonally opposite corner of the pitch, Luke Shaw bursts into the box and it looks for a second like Colback is going to foul him but Shaw stays on his feet when many would have hit the deck.  Luke obviously hasn’t had the lesson at school yet about falling down in the penalty area though Grant Holt did try and teach him that at Norwich this season.

We are running the game in midfield through Corky, Morgan and in particular, Steven Davis and creating chances which we should be doing better with as usual.  Firstly, Sir Rickie tries a speculative 30 yards which he scuffs enabling Mignolet to pick it up and then, following a corner which isn’t properly cleared and a Big Jos pay off, J-Rod’s shot is deflected but luckily for Mignolet, it’s deflected to him rather than away from him.  To be honest though, J-Rod should have lashed it instead of trying to place it as should Adam Lallana a few minutes later as he picked up a Davis knock down and produced his usual scuffed finish which dragged wide of the post.

Scuffing the finish is not our problem alone though as Sunderland finally have a meaningful moment in our half as O’Shea heads down a corner to Johnson whose shot from 6 yards is barely going to reach the goal even if King Artur had somehow contrived to miss it.  Up the other end and there is more scuffing as Davis breaks out of our half before drilling a ball at Sir Rickie which he controls superbly with his head before making a balls of the volley.  Mignolet is obviously expecting him to smash the cover off it and almost lets the following bobbler roll under his foot before picking it up.

It feels like we’ve been here before.  The possession percentage in our favour is ridiculous and we’ve had loads of shots and corners without ever really looking like scoring.  One problem seems to be that Sir Rickie drops deeper to get involved in the build up but when he does this and is therefore not going to score, that leaves J-Rod, Lallana and Davis or Can’t shoot, Can’t shoot and Won’t Shoot.

At half time, Paolo was obviously cool, calm and collected and Connor Wickham is on for James McClean who has been utter garbage.  There were many people who raised an eyebrow at us paying £7m for J-Rod in the summer but if memory serves, Sunderland paid £9m for Wickham so I reckon we did ok.  With him and Danny Graham, Martin O’Neill certainly knew how not to pick a striker.

Talking of J-Rod – well he’s next to have an effort on goal as he loses Cuellar before meeting Davis’ corner but heads it straight at Mignolet who we are making look very good with our inability to put the ball either side of him.  Sunderland do look better since half time and manage to string together about 5 passes to get Rose away behind Clyne down the left and his low cross finds Graham who is probably dreaming of scoring at the Stadium of Light (in a Newcastle shirt) as he plays a horrible airshot and the danger passes.

In a carbon copy of the previous corner, J-Rod again loses Cuellar and again thumps the header straight at Mignolet and I’m beginning to accept we’re going to draw 0-0 when totally against the run of everything, Sunderland score when Johnson works the ball to Bardsley who hits it.  It’s a decent strike but it’s going straight down King Artur’s throat until it flicks off of Big Jos and flies over the keeper and into the net.  For fucks sake.

I can suddenly see Wigan winning at Arsenal and us needing something against Stoke RFC in a nerve shredding encounter next Sunday and obviously Mauricio can see it too and so there’s a double change with JWP and Punch replacing the ineffective Lallana and Corky, who has been decent but when you need a goal, he’s your man as much as Paolo di Canio’s your man if you want someone calm, considered and collected.

Two minutes later and Sir Rickie laid an immaculately weighted ball in front of the overlapping JWP who crossed left footed.  Punch headed straight at the keeper again but from the prone position, managed to swing his right foot at the ball and smash it into the net.  Get in.  At that precise moment, I knew we were safe as there was no way Sunderland were going to score again – a team that shite were not going to get lucky twice. 

Sunderland didn’t seem to have a clue about how to go about the rest of the game and it was there for the taking for us but we could only really fashion one more chance with 3 minutes to go as J-Rod chipped over the defence to Sir Rickie who hammered in a right footed volley across the keeper and Mignolet plunged to his right to keep it out – the bastard… good keeper though.

Full time and we’ve done it, we are safe and are going to be playing the Premier League next season.  It ultimately matters not that we’ve flopped over the line somewhat – We Are Premier League, as the song goes.  I flick onto Radio Solent to hear the end of game analysis and it’s hilarious.  How can you be a Sports Station and not have a clue what the league table is….

“Saints are 13^th, no, they’re 14^th and not safe yet … not mathematically anyway …. Villa and Wigan can both go… oh hang on they’re playing eachother… but Villa’s goal difference is better than ours… I’ve just added it up… which I’ve had to do because the internet connection doesn’t work…. Disgraceful, Premier League ground with no broadband… um, we’re safe.. no we’re not…. We’re going to talk to Lizzie in the studio who has worked it all out… hello Lizzie, are do you have the league table?  Yes I do and I can tell you that QPR and Reading are relegated and then it’s all up in the air after that”.  Genius.  When they’ve finally worked it out (someone put 50p in the broadband meter), big Dave Merringtitus comes on and says “what Saints don’t want to do… is lose 13-0 to Stoke” (I may have made that last bit up)….

To the match and it’s another where we should have buried them, no question, been 2-0 up at half time and cruising.  If we’d got the goals we should have done then we wouldn’t have had to put up with Paolo the former Fascist doing his gibbon dance on the sideline when Sunderland scored.  They never seem to have a camera on him when Sunderland concede a goal do they?  Still Benito, a good gibbon dance will take the attention away from the fact that you appear tactically clueless and you were very very lucky to get a point.  When you see Wigan playing brilliantly in the FA Cup final and compare that to Sunderland today, it will be a bit sad when the inevitable happens and Wigan get relegated.  Still, with our point in the bag now, at least I can want them to beat Arsenal.

The key for us today was undoubtedly the substitutions made by Mauricio in the second half.  JWP and Punch came on and the two combined to score a couple of minutes later.  It sounds simple because it is – we needed more goal threat and at the moment, out of all our available attacking midfielders, Punch offers the most.  At risk of being all “I told you so”, I have thought and said for weeks that Punch deserved to be in the side more than Adam Lallana and maybe Mauricio explained why he hasn’t been, alluding to a personal issue.  We know his partner has just had a baby but maybe there was something else as well.  Adam Lallana is way off his game and J-Rod seems to have sunk back to his pre-Pochettino level when it comes to confidence in front of goal after his 3 in 3 purple patch a month or so back.  Gaston Ramirez may have had a poor second half of the season but he’s at least more likely to come up with a goal, so we’ve missed him.  Though Sunderland were bollocks and didn’t really test us much, I thought the defence stood up well, especially in the full back areas.  Jose looks decent again at centre back and aside from yet another quality decisive finish from Big Jos, he handled Wickham and Graham pretty well – mind you, I’m 44 and stopped playing 12 years ago and I reckon I could have done a job on those two.  Shite though Sunderland were though and though it would have been a scandal if we lost – we nearly did and it’s a good job that a point is enough.

So, at the bottom of the league there are only 3 teams now who can go down – Wigan, Sunderland and Aston Villa.  Wigan are gone if they fail to beat Arsenal at The Emirates but it would be great for the neutral if they win that and we have all 3 teams bricking it on the final day.  This would be great because we won’t be one of them.

Typically though, we have to have something to worry about and as I write, I’m reading reports of Don Nicola “considering his future”.  Fuck.  Rumour has it that the Liebherr estate wants more of a say.  I dunno… if you’re in business and your CEO has presided over a massive turnover increase over a four year period, wouldn’t you just be tempted to acknowledge that he knows what he’s doing and keep out of it?

Anyway, one more game to go, Stoke Rugby Club on Sunday.  

Premier League Match 36 - Tottenham 1 Southampton 0

F.F.S. - Gareth Bale ruins my weekend

Following on from our abortion of a performance against the Baggies, comes a visit to White Hart Lane to play against Tottenham who as usual, at this stage of the season, are chasing a Champions League spot.  Of course, what usually happens is that they blow it and finish below Arsenal and end up 5^th.  Hopefully, the slide towards that inevitable conclusion will start today and they have another season of Thursday night on Channel 5 to look forward to.  In the same way that relegation usually means that you lose your best players, Spurs not being in the Champions League would more than likely mean that Gareth Bale would be off to a team that he doesn’t have to carry on his own.  It would amuse me no end if he got stolen away by a bigger club.  Hopefully whoever buys him will give them a shit 8^th choice goalkeeper in part-exchange as well.

As regular readers will know, I don’t do many away games any more and if I did, I wouldn’t do Spurs because the ticket prices are usually horrendous and I’ve always had a shit view there.  I once had a pillar in front of both goals and when I moved to an empty seat, some jobsworth steward tried to throw his weight around and to cut a long story short, I got thrown out for the crime of wanting to be bale to see, before the game had even started.  This was back in the days of terraces so I managed to get back into the standing area downstairs with no harm done. 

Back to the modern world and we are still stuck on 39 points which is a strange place to be.  If you’re having a good day and you look at the league table then it looks like enough to guarantee being in the Prem next year.  If you’re having a bad day then you can see it going horribly wrong if we don’t get any more points.  There was an interesting article on Mauricio so on the BBC this week which gave away that we have two players ready to sign in the summer, with the proviso being that of course, we stay in the division.  Bizarrely, after we had two sent off last week, he found himself talking about the Europa League and our chances to playing in it next year through the fair play route.  Luckily, sanity has prevailed and we won’t accept any invitation if it does happen so Gaston and Danny’s efforts from last week are all for nothing.

So, to White Hart Lane we go for what is effectively a bonus game that we are expected to get nothing from.  The first thing we don’t get is a 3 o’clock kick off as there is some unexpected heavy traffic in that part of London and so it’s eyes down for a 3.30 start.  Our team sees two stalwarts absent with Morgan Schneiderlin out with a dead leg and Maya Yoshida only fit enough for the bench meaning we have a Championship defence in Jose and Jos and most surprisingly, a start for the Gulyman – promoted into the team ahead of Punch who had his first sleepless night of many as his partner had a baby Punch the night before.  Congratulations.  The suspension for Foxy was covered by the return from injury of Luke Shaw so we didn’t have to deal with moving Clyne to left back and reshuffling the whole back 4.  The Spurs line-up was Gareth Bale and ten others, no doubt aided and abetted by Mark Twattenburg who to my delight, is the short notice referee appointment for todays game – his first time refereeing us since we chased him around the pitch after he gave that joke penalty to Norwich in the last minute.

Saints look a completely different side from the Baggies match and start well, keeping the ball and all that good stuff which went out of the window last week.  The first time Spurs get it though and Jose’s poor defensive header causes mayhem and Clyne doesn’t cover himself in defensive glory before Defoe fires into the side netting.  Clyne almost covers himself in glory five minutes later as a decent move between Guly, Clyne and Corky sees Clyne play the ball short to Sir Rickie on the half way line and in an attacking move that says everything about the way we are trying to play now, busts a gut to get forward, isn’t tracked and when Sir Rickie superbly picks him out, he’s 1v1 against Lloris with a bouncing ball which he hits first time, across the keeper and inches wide and all the people that had him for the first goal at 80-1 shout ‘fuck’ at the same time.

It has to be said but for the next fifteen minutes we are all over them, admittedly without creating too much but we are first to the ball, more determined and playing the better football.  There is a decent opportunity when another passimg move sees Guly get free on the right but his cross in along the floor doesn’t have enough weight on it and gets hoofed clear by Dawson before it reached J-Rod.  Spurs’ main man is doing absolutely nothing and we’re snuffing him out pretty well and Defoe and Dempsey up front are not seeing the ball at all. 

When you are on top though you have to score and we have another chance on 25 when at the end of another really good passing move,  J-Rod is pulled back by Dembele who obviously doesn’t know that J-Rod is going to smash it over the bar and Twattenburg gives us a free kick on the edge.  We have to wait for the English German Holtby to come on as Dembele has injured himself before Sir Rickie hammers the free kick past the wall and it pings off the post.  Guly retrieves it and chips it into the middle where the flying Davis meets it and heads it straight at Lloris.  Bollocks.  Replays later prove that Lloris got a touch on the free kick to divert it onto the post so it was in fact a superb save but bollocks anyway.

It’s still mainly us playing all the football and it’s amusing when Michael Dawson resorts to pumping the ball long up to Defoe and Dempsey who are getting no change out of Jose and Jos.  The main irritation for Saints fans is listening to the Spurs Massive singing ‘oh when the Spurs go marching in’ – how original.  Somewhat similar to our main song but it’s better than that Chas ‘n’ Dave shit they grew up on in these parts I suppose.  Spurs inevitably have a bit of pressure as the half draws to a close and win a few corners which come to nothing.  A pretty good away performance by ourselves so far and we really should be in front which is something totally ignored by the commentators on the stream I’m watching who are just giving it large about Spurs and Bale even though they and he have produced the square root of fuck all.

The second half begins with a Spurs attack and Bale gets flagged offside, well before he crashes the ball onto the post which is enough to have the commentators creaming themselves even though every other player has stopped.  Normal service is resumed soon afterwards and it’s all us again with us forcing three corners in a row which are all cleared and Sir Rickie trying a ridiculous free kick from somewhere near Arsenal’s ground which is fired towards the back post and bounces wide as Guly tries to get a touch.

Adam Lallana then encapsulates his season in a couple of minutes as firstly he aimlessly floats a free kick about ten feet over everyones’ head and out for a goal kick and then he superbly turns Dawson by flipping the ball over his head and this puts him clean through on goal but the finish is predictably scuffed and shite and ends up as a backpass to Lloris.  Today he’s been up against Assou-Ekotto who, like Tom Huddlestone is rocking the ridiculous afro look but unlike Huddlestone, he’s complete shit and looking like an accident waiting to happen.  Lallana seems to have the better of him all game without producing the telling final product.

AVB has seen enough and with Lennon getting no change out of Shaw at all, removes him and replaces him with Adebayor.  Replacing a tricky pacy winger with a big centre forward must be a bit of a hard one to swallow for fans of purist football.  To be fair to AVB though, Lennon had hardly touched the ball.  We bring on the big guns at this point with Guly going down after a clumsy tackle and being replaced with the little African bloke which is a brave / daft substitution.  The Gulyman has been the target of much stick from Saints fans for about a year now which is mainly brought on by some fans being morons but he’s been decent today and had a better game than say, Gaston Ramirez or Adam Lallana has had in the last two months.

Our first booking of the afternoon is one of those where you nod and smile as a break down Spurs right is crudely halted by Davis who takes that yellow card for the team.  With twenty minutes to go it’s now an even game but Spurs till don’t really look like scoring.  Dempsey lobs a presentable chance over the bar when set up by Adebayor and then the virtually unemployed King Artur makes a total bollocks of a Huddlestone corner and we get lucky as Vertonghen can’t force it in at the back post.

Punch comes on for Lallana for the last 10 minutes and then it happens.  Bale picks up the ball on the right and sets off infield pursued by Shaw who can’t quite get to him.  Across the top of the box he goes and no midfielder comes across to him, onto his left foot and bang, no chance for Artur, 1-0… fuck it!  A right kick in the bollocks.

There are four minutes of normal time remaining but we are a busted flush now.  Spurs are content to sit back and we haven’t got it in us to mount a serious attack in the time remaining.  It’s galling and gutting and undeserved but we limp to a 1-0 defeat.

It’s time for some sour grapes all round now - all written at a time when I was still very very pissed off about today's events.  I’m pissed off that we were the better side today and we ended up with nothing due to a world class goal scored by one of our own but then again, the fact that he was one of our own is not the issue here to be honest.  It’s both encouraging and extremely annoying that we were the better side against a team who are going to finish in the top 5 this year.  They have a world class player and that was the difference and it’s amazing just how much influence one player can have over a team in the upper reaches of the league – they’d be mid-table without him.  The rest of the Spurs side was distinctly average and the game was following the same pattern as our recent wins against Chelsea and Man City etc in that we made the supposedly better team look bad but the difference today was that we couldn’t score.  We defended so well and played superbly in midfield and Bale was anonymous all game.... until the 84th minute.  bastard.

However, we had off colour players ourselves with J-Rod anonymous, Lallana promising much but delivering little and Sir Rickie fading badly in the last half an hour.  Three games without a goal from the team is not good enough.  There also has to be a question mark on Mauricio today over the man chosen to replace Guly.  Punch was the obvious like for like swap if you wanted to maintain an attacking edge and JWP was the man if you want to keep things tight.  Consequently, I have no idea why the little African bloke came on which meant that Sir Rickie and J-Rod both played deeper which didn’t have any positive effect.  The little African bloke won’t score all the while he has a hole in his arse and can’t hold the ball up for others so I really don’t see what he brings to the party.

To make matters worse, the other results came in and Wigan had spawned a ridiculously lucky win at West Brom and Villa had won at Norwich which means that Villa are a point ahead of us and Wigan are just 4 behind with a game in hand.  So much for Villa v Wigan on the last day being a relegation decider and so much for our 39 points being enough to stay up.  Norwich, Sunderland and Newcastle are all still below us so it’s not wrist-slashing time as yet but suddenly, our next game which is away at Sunderland is a relegation 6 pointer.  Win and we'll be safe, lose and we will be needing something at home to Tony Pulis and his hoofball merchants on the final day.  Shite.  Why can’t we ever do things the easy way?