Capital One Cup 3rd Round - Southampton 2 Sheffield Wednesday 0

Ron Jeremy - Sheffield Wednesday Legend

It’s the Capital One Cup 3^rd Round and we welcome Dave Jones and his Sheffield Wednesday side to SMS.  Jones of course is one of our ex-managers and so conversation around me before the game was of some of the players he signed; for every Stuart Ripley, Lee Todd and Stig Johansen, there was a Marian Pahars.  Always a solid if unspectacular manager, he got Sheffield Wednesday over the line and promoted to the Championship last season, having taken over from Gary Megson who is universally hated at every club he’s ever been at I think.

Our team is full of changes as you’d expect with Gazza in goal and Superkelv on the bench as it’s the norm to have your second choice keeper in goal for these Cup games and your third choice on the bench.  The defence was interesting with Frazer and Yoshida both starting, the latter in partnership with Big Jos so I’m guessing that Nigel is looking at which centre back pairing looks the best.  At left back we have Dan Seaborne which has endless comedy potential, especially as Michail Antonio plays down that wing.  Chappers, Corky and JWP make up the midfield with J-Rod up top, flanked by Guly and Steeeeeeeve.

I’d had some fun getting into the ground as I’d ordered a ticket online on Saturday and chosen the postal delivery option.  The online system is decent now as you can chose a specific seat rather than a block so I reasoned it would be decent enough to know not to offer the postal option if it was too close to the game.  Wrong.  The ticket didn’t arrive Monday or Tuesday so I had to get to the ground and join a mile long queue to get a reprint or so I thought.  Turns out that they hadn’t mailed it out at all and it was behind the desk anyway.  Look you buggers, don’t allow me to choose the mail option if it’s not available then I won’t spend loads of time ringing home to see if it’s there yet.  My ticket was in Ticket Office 3 and it was pure luck that I was in that queue as no one was announcing what queues to get in until about 15 minutes before kick off when the queues were already massive.  Piss up, brewery.

The game starts in confident fashion for Saints but one players is struggling somewhat with our ‘total football’ philosophy as Seaborne’s first three touches consists of a massive hoof down the wing which goes over Steeeve’s head and out of play and two passes across the penalty area which put Big Jos in shit so deep he needed a shovel to dig himself out.

We get our first decent chance on the quarter hour as Jack Cork plays a great ball through to J-Rod who controls it perfectly on the run but hits it straight at Bywater in the Wednesday goal.  At our end, Wednesday get to lob a free kick into the mixer after a Seaborne carthorse foul on the edge of the box and Gazza has a little flap but recovers well and the danger passes.

It was always fun when we were in League 1 and to a lesser extent the Championship, to notice a player because I hadn’t heard of him previously and because he was utter, utter shite.    Sheffield Wednesday have a player who has all the ingredients to make him a figure of ridicule.  He’s fat, he’s slow, he has long hair and suggestions of a tache and on top of all that, he is the requisite standard as a footballer.... really, really shite.   His name is Pecnik apparently and he looks a bit like Ron Jeremy (see picture above or Google it if you’re not at work).  It starts off with an accidental collision when Guly is not aware of what’s around him and runs straight into him.   Ron Jeremy goes down like only a porn star can and writhes around on the ground like he’s been shot, only getting up 5 minutes later when the ref comes over.  Ron signals that he thought he was elbowed and away we go – no you weren’t mate, you were just run over by a drink driver.

Wednesday should have taken the lead when Antonio went through chasing a bouncing ball shoving Frazer out of the way and though he got there in front of Gazza, he lifted it onto the roof of the net.  After that it all went a bit route 1 as the Wednesday defence failed to deal with a big Gazza punt forward and Guly got there first, only to see Bywater again get himself in the way.   We do look like the more likely to score and do so on the half hour and Chappers fed a ball into J-Rod who left his marker looking very very amateurish with a superb turn before drilling across Bywater into the far side of the net.  Lovely finish.

The goal has lifted us and deflated Wednesday and it’s nearly 2-0 straight after as de Ridder tricked his way down the wing and unusually and surprisingly, picked out a player with the cross as Guly headed against the base of the post.   Ron Jeremy has another comedy moment at our end when he played an airshot and Michail Antonio shows probably why we didn’t really want to sign him.  If you dive in on him then he’ll go round you but lay off him like Maya and Jos were doing and he’ll eventually leave the ball behind.  We will forever be grateful for his performance in the JPT final though.  With all the talk of Ron Jeremy, I’ve failed to notice the Wednesday No.10 who is another who looks like he has fitness ‘issues’.  Either that or he’s wearing a Large Boys sized shirt.

It’s all pretty comfortable as we reach half time 1-0 up and the three Wednesday fans who are sat behind me decided to go and sit somewhere else for the second half which begins after a Wednesday substitution with Joe Mattock coming on.. He was on loan at the Skates last year but does anyone care? No.  Having laughed at the technique and ability of Ron Jeremy, it did occur to me that he’d probably score (as Ron always does) and he came pretty close with a volley from the edge of the box which just cleared the bar.... or as Ron’s says in his movies “I surprisingly smashed one into the box from miles out but finished hitting an onlooker in the face”.  OK, that’s enough Ron Jeremy, I promise.  He gets another shot on target soon after which Gazza tips wide and Big Jos has his bid for his usual Tuesday night goal saved by Bywater after the Big Dutchman gets his head onto a Guly free kick.  It then all gets abit surreal as Steeeeve feeds Seaborne who flies down the wing and fires over a superb cross which just goes over J-Rod’s head.  Fair play to the makeshift left back.

Just after the hour mark, Wednesday make another substitution with the Fat No 10 going off and they announce his name as Chris Maguire.  Hang on, is that the same Chris Maguire who scored that one in a million goal for the Skates against us last year?  If so, I don’t remember him being that fat.  Anyway, he’s off now for a pie and a cake and Chris O’Grady is on and I remember him being a right handful for Rochdale when he played and scored in that unforgettable 2-0 home defeat we had against them in League 1.

The motivation levels for some players seem to have dropped for Saints and it’s no surprise to see Guly hauled off as he’s spent the last 10 minutes looking like he really couldn’t be bothered.  His replacement is Ben Reeves who is 4 foot 6 but he’s keen as mustard and is soon flying around wanting to be involved in everything.   Jack Cork gives everyone a scare by not getting up after a tackle but he walks off comfortably enough to be replaced by another youngster, Andy Robinson who in contrast to Ben Reeves, is a big unit.

Talking of big units, I mentioned Villa’s Benteke on Saturday as a massive great guy who went down under the slightest touch... today I give you Gary Madine who scored for Carlisle against us in the JPT final and is huge but not huge enough to be writing around on the floor in agony after the slightest touch from Maya Yoshida.  Make no mistake, this was not a flying Ninja dropkick of death or anything like that.  Get up you big ponce.

We put the game to bed soon enough when following some quality League 1 hoofage from Seaborne, the ball breaks to Steeeve who bundles past Mattock who falls over and clumsily knocks Steeeeve over.  It looks a clear penalty to me so I have no idea why they’re all giving the ref a hard time.   Mark Halsey is the ref and I assume that no Wednesday fans will be sending him ‘hate’ through Twitter which is what Liverpool fans do.  Up steps J-Rod and smashes his penalty to the left and Bywater does really well to get to it but it spins underneath him and rolls into the other side of the net.  Not emphatic like you know who… but who cares.  This game is dead.

Ben Reeves’ identical 4ft 6 blonde twin (who we grew in the same laboratory at Staplewood) Sam Hoskins comes on for J-Rod who picks up a slight knock before he has chance to think about a hat-trick and the game peters out with Wednesday testing Gazza with a few late chances which come about largely because we’ve lost our holding midfield player (Corky) and no one has really stepped into the breach.  Game over... 2-0.  Easy

It really was an easy win in keeping with many of the home games we’ve had over the past three years.  I’m not complaining one bit because any win we get in the league this year is going to be anything but easy.  Due to our recent past it was interesting to be more awareof the opposition players than I would otherwise have been even if two of them were Skates and one was a porn star.  Having watched the whole game, Ron Jeremy obviously has a bit of ability which he showed in the second half and it turns out that he’s an international for Slovenia so he can’t be that shite.

If Nigel Adkins was looking for fringe players to impress to step up then I’d say that J-Rod was a standout but as we know, the chances of him getting the centre forward role in a league game are dependent on Sir Rickie getting injured or suspended.  It’s nice to know that we at least have him as a like for like physical presence to come in so we don’t have the change the entire way the team plays if Sir Rickie is missing.

Gazza did well in goal despite a couple of flapping expeditions from his goal line.  He looks to have all the tools in the locker and has a personality which is going to make him very popular.  on the downside, he has that ponytail thing which Chappers really should sort out for him.  All he lacks at the moment is the presence in the penalty area which only comes with experience.  Artur Boruc has this in spades so though Gazza will probably start at the weekend, expect the Holy Goalie in nets as soon as he’s fit enough.  The centre back decision will be interesting – Maya looks comfortable with either of the others and Jos and Jose are decent together.  Everton have a quick striker in Anichebe and an aerial threat in Fellaini and his wig.   Jos is probably the best in the air of the three but he’s the most vulnerable against a quick striker.  If it was down to me, I’d start with Jose and Maya with Frazer and Nathaniel Clyne at full backs.  James Ward-Prowse was decent in midfield today and Chappers and Corky did what we knew they would, same as Steeeeve and Guly who were their usual part-genius, part-what-the-fuck-was-that.  of the two you'd have to say that Steeeeve had the better game today but they both need to ‘do a Puncheon’ and play to somewhere near their potential on a regular basis to elevate themselves from 'squad player' status.  Sound obvious really and that’s because it is… I never said I was clever.

Dave Jones has a job on at Sheffield Wednesday.  I dunno how many of what played today was their usual starting line up but having lost 4 in a row in the league, I can’t imagine he would have been taking this game lightly, or have been very impressed by what he saw from his side out there.  I thought Bywater did well in goal but other than that, not a lot really, apart from Ron of course.

On my way back to car across the Itchen Bridge I was looking out over the water and pondering the important questions.  Can we get anything away at Everton on Saturday and who is giving Guly a lift home right now?

Premier League Match 5 - Southampton 4 Aston Villa 1

Oi Rafa, Bugger off over there !!!

When we were loafing about in League 1 and the Championship, the media that were irritating were local as we of course weren’t on the radar of the mainstream – as I’ve said before, there’s the Premier League and that’s it.  Now we are in the spotlight however and the week before a game is spent looking at various ‘outlets’, deciding which stories may have a vague grain of truth in them and which are complete and utter bollocks.  I give you ‘Saints are in talks with Harry Redknapp’ which I dismissed as bollocks because it would represent a complete 180 from Don Nicola’s stated policy of bringing through young players which is not on ‘Arry’s list of strengths.   Another one I put on the bollocks pile was ‘Rafa Benitez in talks with Saints’.  I did consider that it may be that we need a new waiter for the corporate hospitality but come on media, do some homework and at least make it a bit believable. 

I had read a rumour the night before the game that Nigel Adkins had read what I wrote last week and decided to change the keeper.  He obviously didn’t read the bit about it being ill-advised to throw in a 20 year old kid but regardless, Paulo Gazzaniga was in goal.  Big Jos had failed to recover and so Maya Yoshida came in for his first start but the new boy that everyone wanted to see was of course, Gaston Ramirez who also started in place of James Ward-Prowse.  As I was in the ground with my 8 year old son and not my 67 year old father, I was early and we watched intently as the first team outfield players played 5v5 keep ball in the warm up and Gaston failed to give the ball away once.  I have decided that he is brilliant and I haven’t seen him play yet.

As the game is about to start, the uneducated could think that Villa have 25 players as they are wearing a kit which is the standard ‘yellow with a green tinge’ colour shirt which is the standard for high-viz jackets and training bibs.  Consequently, they clash with the ball boys and the stewards.  The reason that ball boys and stewards wear that colour is so they stand out with the logic being that no other fucker will have such seriously awful taste to wear it by choice.

It’s a lukewarm beginning to the game but in general, I feel that Saints start the brighter and we quickly have 3 in the Opta ‘Shots off target’ column with Sir Rickie getting under an effort and putting it in the crowd, Steven Davis smashing a ball high and handsome to the amusement of the Villa fans who used to applaud him and then The Great Gaston being not so great and shanking his left foot effort wide of the post from the edge of the box.  Defensively we are looking ok with Yoshida looking unruffled and generally positioning himself well and competing well in the air with Benteke who is about 7 foot tall.  There seems to be a slight change in our defensive formation as we’re 4-4-1-1 without the ball but it still doesn’t legislate for Foxy dozing off again and presenting possession to Ireland whose pass to Bent looks dangerous until Jose pulls out a decent rescue tackle.

Gazza has had hardly anything to do as yet aside from pluck an overhit cross towards the giant out of the air but we still manage to go 1-0 down and once again it’s a catalogue of errors.  First Clyne gives the ball away but gets back and wins it back and gives it to Punch who attempts a suicidal ball across the top of the box to gift it back to Villa again.  Stephen Ireland’s cross is cleared back to him and he hits a crappy looking shot into the ground and everybody stands still.  Ireland’s grandmother has died and been reincarnated a 2^nd time before anyone moves and that person is Bent who walks in front of Fox who may as well be scratching his arse and pokes it into the net from about 5 yards.  What a shite goal to let in… again.

We haven’t been bad up to that point but it all goes a bit pearshaped after that.  Lallana starts giving the ball away and Gaston is peripheral.  The full backs are unable to get forward and Foxy has taken to hoofing it as far down the line as he can.  To be fair, Villa are closing down very quickly with Ireland in particular to the fore.  Half time and 1-0 down but it’s noticeable that there is no booing and the players get clapped off.  The only dissenting voice is my son who is moaning to me “Dad, we’re going to lose aren’t we… we lose every match… what’s the point?”.  “Son, here’s a bloody great bag of Haribo, sit down and eat them all and we’ll worry about all your teeth falling out later”.

Before the second half starts we have a sub for each side with what looks like Frazer Richardson coming on for Clyne until I realise that Clyne is now at left back and it is in fact Fox who has gone off.  I suspect the reason for the substitution was part-tactical, part-injury but 90% the former.  Stephen Ireland has gone off for Villa which can only be a good thing for us.

Again we start the half fairly well and Punch has an early near post shot which Guzan saves comfortably.  Villa appear to be ignoring midfield now and it’s all long to the big lump up front who is a handful but Yoshida and Fonte are handling things quite comfortably and it’s giving us the ball more and more and allowing us to build.  You'd think that the hi-viz jackets would enable Villa to locate eachother but apparently not.

Before we can get any delusions of getting a equalizer we have to survive two decent Villa chances, predictably given to them by our shit defending, this time from corners.  Bannan’s corner is met by the big bugger and Fonte concedes another corner by heading over.  The 2^nd kick is identical and again, Benteke meets it – looks like it’s going in from where I am – but it goes just wide.  We are making zonally at corners which as far as I can see means that our defenders stand in an area and don’t move, jump or anything when the ball arrives there and it’s in the lap of the Gods if it ends up in the net or not.  Whatever happened to marking a fucking player each?

Scare over and we’re back up the other end and the move starts badly and the crowd groan as Adam’s pass is behind the run of Punch but Adam keeps running and picks up his own crap pass before heading down the right wing and crossing low into the middle where Sir Rickie takes a touch to manoeuvre a position despite 4 Villa defenders being around him and thumps it right footed via Guzan’s gloves to make it 1-1.  Get in!!!

There are now two different teams on the pitch – Saints are now flying and Villa are looking like rabbits in the headlights of a fucking great oncoming bus and as we now at Saints, we love our buses.  A superb break instigated by the Great Gaston sees the ball arrive at Lallana’s feet and his first time half volley flies just over the bar but it’s not long before we’re in front as Clyne cuts in from the left and via Sir Rickie and a superb pass from Gaston, gets it back just in front of Guzan and slots it past him.  The replay of this goal reveals one of the worst shouts for offside I’ve ever seen in my life as Clyne receives Gaston’s pass and the Villa defender (Holman or Vlaar) who is directly behind Clyne and looking at him and playing him onside, sticks his arm up.  Don’t think so mate and a jump into the fans and a booking later makes it 2-1 to the boys in Red.

It’s all Saints now and Punch pulls out a clever turn and curls a left footed effort just wide of the far post but he’s not to be denied a few minutes later as once again, the Great Gaston feeds Sir Rickie who waits before feeding in Punch who turns the covering defender and crashes it into the far top corner via a slight deflection to make it 3-1. If I wasn’t an experienced SFC fan with a long memory of all our incredible capitulations, I’d say we were cruising.

With memories of substitution-gate from the Man United game fresh in the mind, we bring on Mayuka and JWP as straight swaps for Punch and Davis and the momentum keeps up aside from Villa getting a free kick when Benteke, all 7 foot and 18 stone of him, gets brushed by Fonte and falls over like a sack of shit.  It’s a great position for Villa but Darren Bent’s free kick is one of those where the moment he hits it, you know it’s flying over the bar.

We then get the Gaston Ramirez Show for 10 minutes as first he wins the ball in midfield and sets Adam Lallana away down the left with a beautifully weighted pass.  Instead of hitting it with his left, Adam turns inside onto his right and gets tackled.  Gaston then sets up Mayuka who curls a shot just wide and then Gaston shows he’s human.  We get a free kick near the corner flag and only Gaston knows what he was trying to do as he hoofs it into Row Z.  No one cares particularly and it’s now a great atmosphere with ‘One Nigel Adkins’ booming around the ground, a chant which is heartily applauded by the manager who despite his relentless positivity, must have been feeling the pressure.

We all know that South Americans have their cynical side which is incredibly annoying when you’re the opposition or when the South American in question is Gus Poyet but when one of your South Americans goes to work, it’s hilarious.  There are 5 minutes to go when we get awarded a goal kick and time is virtually up by the time Gazza has taken his gloves off, re-tied his laces and spent ages putting his gloves back on. The Villa fans are not in uproar though as most of them have gone and the one’s who are left have kind of given up.  Those left would not have been impressed however as we re-enacted the promotion match against Coventry and passed it about for fun as the crowd chanted “We are Southampton, we’re taking the piss”.

As we tick into the 90^th minute, Sir Rickie sends Mayuka away who shows decent pace to get there before Guzan who flips him over – penalty all day long.  Yellow card for Guzan which would have been a red earlier in the game and all of the irritating bastards who are streaming for the exits, stop on the stairs blocking everyone’s view.  Keep going you tossers.  Now, the big question – is taking a Premier League penalty any different from taking one in the Championship or League 1?  Sir Rickie, bang, no it’s not different at all, 4-1, get in, final whistle, game over.

At last we’ve started and as second half performances go, that was brilliant.  Make no mistake though – Villa were shockingly bad in the second half but who cares and the post match reaction has been a reminder of what it was like whenever we beat a bigger club when we were last in the Premier League – they were bad rather than us being any good.  Make no mistake though, the front six were very very good and with Nathaniel Clyne at left back and Frazer on the right, he defence looked very solid as well.  I was very impressed with Maya Yoshida who played with great intelligence which seemed to help out Jose Fonte no end.  Maya has great confidence on the ball but someone needs to tell him that a forty yard chip across his own six yard line to Frazer is more often than not, going to end badly.  As mentioned, the front 6 were superb and Emmanuel Mayuka looked decent when he came on as well.

There was more good news straight after the game with Polish goalkeeper Artur Boruc signing on a free transfer.  Boruc was rated as one of the best keepers in the world about 5 years ago and he’s still only 32.  A big personality who of course, made his name with Celtic – with any luck he’ll be as good as the last goalkeeper we signed with a Glasgow past, the legendary Antii Niemi.  You can’t argue with the goalkeeper business we’ve done in the summer as we’ve swapped Bart for Boruc and Dismal Forecast for Gazza.  It’s tough on Kelvin Davis who you could argue has gone from 1^st to 3^rd choice in an afternoon and it’ll be interesting to see who gets the nod in Tuesday’s game in the Capital One Cup game against Sheffield Wednesday and more importantly, who is in goal against Everton next weekend.

Finally, we’ll end on a sad note.  In the Kingsland I’m usually flanked by my Dad on one side and a lovely old guy called Bill on the other who attends games with his two sons who sit the other side of him.  Sadly, Bill, a big Hampshire Cricket fan as well as a Saints fan, passed away last Saturday aged 85, having just witnessed the last ball of Hampshire winning the CB40 cup final on the TV.  As a football fan he really knew what he was talking about and at the start of the season he turned round and told the Chuckle Brothers that they really should stop moaning about everything while I sat there laughing to myself.  He would have missed the 4^th goal today as he would have been downstairs having a pee as he was when every game drew to a close.  I used to have a laugh with him about that to which he’d reply “you wait until you’re eighty-bloody-five”.  A lovely guy who will be greatly missed and my thoughts are with his family, most of which I’ve met at St.Marys at various times over the last few years.

Rest in Peace Bill.

Premier League Match 4 - Arsenal 6 Southampton 1

Gervinho and his Forehead speak enough English to sum up our defending.

On Saturday there was a cricket match played at Lords, in which Hampshire defeated Warwickshire off the last ball and won by dint of losing fewer wickets.  It's about as close as you can get when winning a cricket match and so the mighty Hants, my county, won their second trophy of the season, adding the CB40 over competition to the T20 which they won a few weeks back.  Well done to all the boys.  That's the end of the sport for today.  Goodnight.

Meanwhile, we rewind a week or so...

It's an international break and a deathly hush has descended upon the season allowing us to draw breath and take stock of where we are... bottom of the league with lots of plaudits but ultimately, zero points and as no lesser authority than Bruce Forsyth said ‘what do points make?’.  No one to my knowledge has handed out prizes for being aesthetically pleasing but ultimately losing every bloody week.

The internationals in question did have some Saints interest in them with Adam Lallana being called up late to the England squad, as playing in three defeats in the Premier League has made him a better footballer than he was in the Championship last season.  Aside from Saints fans, most of the reaction seemed to be that he hadn’t proven anything where it matters, in the Premier League whereas the call up of Liverpool’s 17 year old Raheem Stirling was greeted with enthusiasm.  As we all know, games in the Championship and League 1 don’t count so in the eyes of the uneducated many, Stirling has more experience by 5 games to 3.  It is notable though that aside from Adam and the two sub goalkeepers Ruddy and Butland, every other player in the squad came from a recognized ‘Big club’ or their reserve sides at least... City, United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Spurs, Liverpool, Everton.

Aside from Adam, it's all moved on a bit from when our only international was Jonno Pace playing for Barbados... Steven Davis captained Northern Ireland to defeat in Russia and a massive home draw with Luxembourg.  Danny Fox dropped out of the Scotland squad due to injury which could make him a doubt for us and our two new boys both made 2 appearances for their respective countries with Gaston Ramirez playing for Uruguay and Maya Yoshida for Japan.  Interestingly, Japan kept two clean sheets – something we could certainly do with in our defence.... ok, ok…they were playing Iraq and Qatar who are probably not quite Arsenal.  Talking of which...

Perhaps surprisingly, we had the same starting line up as we had before substitute-gate against Man United.  There were however 3 changes on the bench with new boys Yoshida and Ramirez on there as well as a welcome recall for Chappers.  The players dropping out were Dan Seaborne, Tadanari Lee and the newly convicted man who just doesn’t know the limit, Guly do Prado.   Arsenal had of course began the season as they always do by selling some of their best players with Alex Song (who I always thought was quite average) and Robin Van Persie (see Man United report to confirm that he isn’t average) both leaving.  The incoming replacements were Lukas Podolski who has 100 caps and about 50 goals for Germany and Santi Cazorla who can’t get in the Spain side so he must of course, be shit.... ha ha ha.

For the first ten minutes it’s not too bad as we at least have a bit of possession and Arsenal aren’t having it all their own way but it all changes as Podolski and Morgan re-enact a scene from World War II where the German advances and the French surrender.  Breaking with that theme, Northern Ireland surrenders as well as Steve Davis joins Morgan in wet lettuce tackling, allowing Podolski to stumble past the both of them.  He feeds Gibbs on the left who is totally Puncheon-free and he hammers in a cross-cum-shot which Not-so-Superkelv allows to squirm under his body at the near post presenting the desperately retreating Big Jos with the ball at his feet right in front of the goal.  A clinical bobbled finish from the big Dutchman and it’s 1-0 to the Arsenal.  Oh for the days when they used to settle for that score....

Big Jos has had better days and he has to come off soon after with a calf injury and is replaced by the new boy Maya Yoshida who watches on as Not-so produces a big flap at a cross which is crossed back in to Mertesacker whose header is saved in ‘one for the cameras’ style by the keeper. 

At this point, I had to leave the dulcet tones of Merringtitus as I was about to go and view a car in (of all places) Hayling Island.  By the time I’d packed my banjo and changed into my dungarees so I blended in and the radio was back on I heard a cross from Puncheon, a clanger from Szczesney and a goal from the rebound for Danny Fox.  Delighted with this turn of events I celebrated as best you can when you’re driving towards Portsmouth on the M27.  We’d equalized but Big Dave didn’t sound very happy.  “That gives us something to build on as it’s now 4-1”.  I feel slightly stupid at the realisation that I had been celebrating what was basically a consolation goal.

Then ten minutes that I’d missed had brought the following...  Firstly, Coquelin had been flattened by a ropey and untidy tackle from Steven Davis about 25 yards out.  Podolski took the free kick and smashed it into the net with ruthless German (Polish) efficiency.  It looked great from the side but when viewed from behind the goal it was poor goalkeeping again as it was nearer the middle of the goal than the corner and Not-so’s starting position was too far to one side.  A great hit (as Alan Hansen will no doubt say later) but it never should have gone in.  So, 2-0 and then we had a re-enactment of Tevez’ first goal at Man City where this time, Arteta chipped it over the defence and Gervinho and his Forehead had a run on goal and smashed it once more inside the near post of the keeper who went down too early.  Yoshida’s poor positioning allowing Gervinho and his Forehead to run past him was a contributory factor for this goal as well.  3-0 became “oh shit we’re getting annihilated when Gibbs walked past a real powder-puff challenge from Puncheon (think Audley Harrison) and fed Gervinho and his Forehead who smashed in a shot from out side which hit Clyne and deflected past Not-so, who on his current form, would probably have let it in even without the deflection.

So.... it was now half time, we’re losing 4-1 and I’m in Hayling Island looking at a car that my wife categorically does not want.  Living the Dream.   I can imagine the talk at half time... “Gaston... you’re going on son, we’re 4-1 down and shite and your mission is to score or create three more goals than the other clowns can cough up in the next 45 minutes.  We believe in you son”.

We begin the second half with Ramirez on for Steven Davis and we’re in a 4-4-1-1 formation with Punch and Adam on the wings and the new boy in between the midfielders and Sir Rickie who up to now, has not had a kick out of Vermaelen and Mertesacker, despite the latter having the turning circle of the QE2.  Gaston gets to work and we look better and he immediately sees a curled effort easily grabbed by the Scrabble High Score in the Arsenal goal.  He then attempts another shot from miles out but his scuffed effort turns into a perfect through ball to Sir Rickie who gets there before the keeper but sidefoots his effort wide of the far post.  As they will say in post match interviews... at 4-2, we may have... blah blah, trust me, we would have still got dicked.

Sure enough, it gets worse soon after as substitute Ramsay tricks his way past Clyne on our right and shoots across Not-so and onto the inside of the far post but the rebound falls into the path of Gervinho and his Forehead about 6 inches out who kind of falls over it into the net for 5-1.  The rest of the game is quite even in fact but Arsenal are playing in first gear and allowing us to have some possession and having the occasional pot-shot themselves like the one from Alex Chamberlain which Not-so palmed aside.

J-Rod comes on for Sir Rickie and Theo Walcott comes on for them and he has the final word as we have a chance to clear the ball but Morgan fannies about again and it breaks to the aforementioned Walcott to smash it past Not-so for 6-1 in the last minute.  There is no celebration from him which is a nice touch (I’m assuming it was out of respect) and after the final whistle, it was nice that both Theo and the Ox, came over to applaud the suffering Saints supporters.

Bloody hell… where do we start with that one.  Well, lets start at Number 1 and our keeper, Superkelv who in his Saints career has had spells of being decent, dodgy, excellent, flappy, brilliant and right now he’s added ‘out of his depth’ to his CV.  None of the first three goals were his fault alone but in my opinion, if he’s honest he’ll think he could have done better with all three of them – straight through him, wrong starting position and near post.  These of course are the ones that ended up in the net but there is also the piss poor distribution, the lack of command of the box and the general flapping about, all of which undermine any confidence the defenders in front of him may have had.  Unless we hit the free agent market or unless we are prepared to throw and untried kid (Gazzaniga) into the team, then we are stuck with him until January, by which time we will be virtually down if he continues in his current vein of form.  Don’t believe the Official Saints website which says of the Podolski free kick, “...that Davis could do nothing about”.  Technically it’s correct, Davis could do nothing about it but that was because he was in the wrong fucking place to start with.

I find it hard to get too excited about the potentially brilliant Gaston Ramirez who is going to have to be absolutely world class to score and create more goal than we let in.  It’s not just the 4 defenders though, it’s the midfield as well, missing tackles and generally not being a decent unit when we haven’t got the ball.  Morgan was back to his worst today, dangling his foot into tackles and losing the ball to more committed players.  Punch gave up and didn’t give Nathaniel Clyne any help at all today,  James Ward-Prowse was by-passed and Steven Davis had an absolute mare.  If we’d had Hammond and Chappers in the side today – does anyone think we’d have done worse?  We need a ‘dogs of war’ mentality in midfield for games away at Arsenal – we’re not going to out-play them because we simply aren’t good enough.  Going back to Gaston – maybe his arrival hints at a 4-4-1-1 formation which I think, would be a step forward – get Chappers on the right, Adam back on the left and protect the fullbacks.  So, that’s my team for the next match...

Sir Rickie

Gaston

Adam   S.Davis   Morgan   Chappers

Foxy   Yoshida   Fonte   Clyne

Not-so (or an experienced proper keeper)

We do however, have to remember that we’ve had tough opponents but all the defeats and goals conceded put massive pressure on the next few games.  Over the past three years we’ve been up the top of leagues and if you lost 4 games in a row then about 10 teams would overtake you and you’d be miles behind.  At the bottom though, of course, no one can overtake you as a defeat means that you’re still fucking last but one win moves you up a few places as no one else is winning down there either.

Pick up a paper or read the internet and aside from Kate’s tits and Harry’s arse, you have the manager sack race – in which Nigel is the clear favourite.    It would be madness in my view, simply because I remember the last season we got relegated from the Premier when we changed manager after 2 matches.  An interesting point of view I read somewhere though was that Nigel and the coaching staff decided that Billy Sharp and Dean Hammond weren’t up to the Premier League before they’d had a chance to play in it.  Why shouldn’t the same rule apply to managers?  Also coming back out of the woodwork are the people we haven’t heard from since we started winning in League 1, the people who seem to revel in things going wrong and are happy when it’s pissing down with rain or they’ve just seen an animal get run over.  What’s up with you...?  Crawl back under your stone.

Next up Aston Villa at home who have just won their first game of the season.  Is this a ‘must win’ game for us... probably…

Sod the football

Premier League Match 3 - Southampton 2 Manchester United 3

"Taggart looks grumpy, better take off my 3 best players"

The build up to the home game against Manchester United almost got lost in amongst the closing of the transfer window.  After the signing of Emmanuel Mayuka on Tuesday, we knew that Saints would be active and so it proved.  Firstly, Maya Yoshida, a Japanese defender who played for Venlo in Holland arrived despite Nigel previously ruling him out and then finally, totally under the radar and with no one having any inkling that it was happening, we finally signed Gaston Ramirez from Bologna, smashing our transfer record in the process and signing a player who appears to be coveted by Liverpool and Spurs amongst others.  The reaction of fans of those clubs has been as patronising as it’s been hilarious and Mark Lawrenson to be fair, apologised for his previous assertion that he’d never sign for Southampton.  Gaston could potentially be our best player since Matt Le Tiss so I can’t wait..... but I have to because he’s not available today.

We also had a couple of transfer window casualties and it was a shame because it was two players who both played major parts in us being where we are today.  Firstly, Billy Sharp went out on a season long loan to Nottingham Forest having scored a hatful of goals in the 5 months he was with us to get us over the line and into the Premier League.  He really deserved a chance to play at the higher level but with us basically playing with one central striker and not being the sort of striker who can play on the wing, he was only going to be a sub at best.  The other departure was from Dean Hammond who returned, again on a season long loan to Brighton, his home town club.  It’s an interesting one because in true football fan style, the Brighton fans all seem to hate him due mainly to how he left the club the first time and him celebrating a goal he scored at the Withdean for us in our League 1 days by giving it the large one and telling the whole stand down one side to fuck off.  Brighton do seem to over-react to the slightest thing (see reaction to Nigel Adkins innocuous comments) but needless to say, all will be forgiven when he smashes into his first tackle or scores his first goal.  The players themselves seem happy enough with their moves and best of luck to them and if they end up playing against us at SMS at any point in the future, they should get good receptions.  From our point of view, it makes good sense as well to loan them out as if things go wrong this season, we may well want them back for next year.

So, to today and it’s Man United at home in Taggart’s 1000^th league match in charge and any build up I’ve seen this week has been grey shirts and 6-3 and in general, the games that we’ve won.  Fact is that United have won the last 4 times they’ve played at SMS so it of course, aint going to be easy.  Our team showed a couple of changes from the Wigan match with Ward-Prowse and Punch coming in for J-Rod and Guly, presumably dropped for the alcohol content when he blew in the Policeman’s bag.  On the bench we had the usual suspects plus Tadanari Lee, much to the delight of the Saints Ninja’s Japanese fan club.  Man United, in the true spirit of the Paralympics, recalled Rio Ferdinand to partner Vidic in defence and up front of course, there was no Rooney and the Squirrel on his head, only Robin Van Persie and Shinji Kagawa so nothing to worry about there, nor in midfield where they only had Welbeck, Carrick, Valencia and Cleverley who are all of course, a load of shit... oh and Scholes is on the bench, great.

Away we go and whoooosh as a tidal wave of white floods towards our goal.  Shit me… we don’t touch the ball for about 5 minutes as United just pop it about while we chase shadows.  We’re keeping our shape through and not letting them through except for Danny Fox who appears to be running around in a random pattern which doesn’t involve going anywhere near Antonio Valencia which wouldn’t be a problem if he was the United left back but as he’s their right winger, it’s a problem.  On one occasion, Valencia lays it back to Rafael at right back, Foxy goes to press the ball and Rafael just rolls it back to Valencia who is now in about 40 yards of space behind him and the nearest to him is a fucking ball boy.

We survive the first 10 and then begin to get a grip and when we do get the ball, the midfield are doing their best to keep it with Steven Davis, Ward-Prowse and in particular, Morgan to the fore.  We have our first effort from a corner as Foxy fires it across low and a training ground move is executed perfectly until Lallana plays a virtual air shot as opposed to smashing it in the net.  We’re snapping into tackles now and competing all over the pitch but no matter how well you’re playing, it’s always a bit of a shock to the system when you score which is what we do on 25 minutes as Cleverley’s pass forward to Kagawa is intercepted by Morgan who dives forward and feeds Punch who cuts onto his left foot and serves up ‘The Butterfield’ which of course is an inswinging cross to the back stick for Sir Rickie to attack against the full back, in this case Rafael.  When the cross lands it’s Man versus Boy and Sir Rickie gets up and thumps his header down and across Lindegaard and into the net.  St Mary’s goes mental, even in the old peoples home in the Kingsland which is a bit of a shocker.  As the game restarts, all the old buggers pop their hips back into place and away we go.

Sadly, it doesn’t take long for normal service to be resumed, five minutes to be exact as Foxy illustrates to all that he hasn’t learnt the lessons of the first ten minutes as Valencia is allowed to cross the ball, totally unhindered by our full back, Clyne slips at the back post allowing Van Persie to control superbly before firing across Superkelv to make it 1-1.  Great finish to be fair.  Saints are unruffled by the goal though and keep going forward and there’s another close thing as Sir Rickie fastens onto a bouncing ball 25 yards out and lashes in a left footed volley which curls just wide.  United’s last chance of the half is a free kick right on the edge of the box which Van Persie makes a complete bollocks of and chips harmlessly wide.  Half time, 1-1 and a very good performance so far.

Saints come steaming out at the start of the second half and are well on top due to the midfield 5 who are playing superbly.  This is easily the best game that Punch has ever had for us and I think you’d struggle to find a better performance from Morgan as well.  He’s doing what he always had the potential to do and dictating the game, making Cleverley and Carrick look very pedestrian, ably backed up by Davis and Ward-Prowse.  Added into that we have Lallana’s ability at turning out of trouble and keeping the ball and we have a measure of control that one would never have thought possible against Man United.  The domination is turned into something tangible on 55 minutes as Sir Rickie finds himself out on the left before finding space and floating a lovely cross onto the head of Morgan who has ghosted into the box as Evra falls over.  A thump of the head and it’s 2-1 and St.Mary’s has gone proper mental this time.  At risk of sounding like Dave Merrington, it’s a brilliant goal for me as our deepest midfielder has managed to get himself ahead of the striker and bagged his first ever goal at St Mary’s.

Straight away we have a chance for 3-1 as Punch easily turns Evra and makes space for a right footed shot which he thumps goalwards bringing a smart save from Lindegaard at his near post.  Taggart has obviously seen enough and United make a couple of substitutions which put me in mind of a trip I made to Old Trafford once when we were already 4-1 down and they brought on Giggs and Beckham.  This time, Cleverley and Welbeck were taken off and Scholes and Nani came on which even before the game restarted, made United look a better side.

We were still maintaining control of the game and I had the impression that as long as the defence held firm and basically, didn’t do anything stupid then we’d be fine.  Superkelv then gave Foxy a complete hospital pass which was easily picked off by Valencia who crossed along the top of the box to Van Persie who for a second imagined he was in a Dutch shirt and shanked it wide.  So – we got out of jail there but Kelvin’s not finished and decides to test out the definition of madness; trying something for a second time and expecting a different result.  This time his pass fails to reach Clyne and Nani nips in, plays it into Van Persie who is trashed by Hooiveld in a man and ball effort – penalty.  He might have got away with it elsewhere on the pitch and against someone other than United but to be fair, it’s a penalty in exactly the same way as the one we got given up at the Etihad when Lescott trashed J-Rod.... oh wait!  Up steps Van Persie and we wait for the net to bulge.... but he’s made a wanker of himself and chipped it and though he’s gone down, Superkelv has managed to get his hand back and flip the ball wide.  Again we’ve got away with it... Come Onnnnnn!!!

The next ten minutes see Guly and Mayuka come on for Punch and Sir Rickie.  Punch has had a marvellous game and fully deserved the standing ovation he got and Sir Rickie had done what he’s paid for, scored a good goal, created one as well and all in front of the watching England manager.  I expected Guly to go up front and Mayuka to go to the right wing but the opposite happened and immediately, the dynamic of the game had changed.  Mayuka obviously wasn’t going to win a thing up against Vidic and Ferdinand and so the possession percentages immediately started swinging back towards United, prompted by that little bastard Scholes who was dictating the game now.  I was quite disappointed when he retired, pleased when he came back and now I wish he’d stayed retired or signed for Oldham.

With ten to go we make our final change with Adam Lallana going off to be replaced with J-Rod who takes up his usual (out of) position on the left wing.  This substitution does nothing to alter the inexorable swing that is going on towards United.  By taking off Punch and now Adam, we may have gained in a bit of energy but we’ve lost the ability we had to keep the ball which the two of them were doing so well.  Usually when a team can’t maintain possession they lump it up to the big guy but he’s gone off as well so we lump it up to a 5 foot 8 Zambian bloke playing his first ever game in English football.  Even Ferdinand is finding it easy now and strolls forward well into our half before anyone closes him down.  United have thrown on Hernandez as well, just to make it even more difficult and he gets though and is about to shoot until Clyne slides in superbly and hooks the ball clear.

The clock is now ticking very very slowly and with 3 minutes of the 90 remaining, United win a corner and Nani’s kick from the left sails over everyone out to the right wing where Valencia picks it up with no one near him.  Danny Fox is having a stroll around, picking daisies and trying to remember the words to ‘Flower of Scotland’ in readiness for his international next week and the cross lands on the head of everyone’s favourite drug test forgetter who heads it against the post for Van Persie to smash into the net from a yard out.  Bastards.  A deep sense of impending doom had come over me along with “we’re going to fucking lose now aren’t we?”

We only had 4 minutes of Fergie time to negotiate but in the first of those, Nani’s passed should have been cleared by Jose but he sliced it out of play for a corner.  The resulting flag kick was put across by Nani and Jose compounded his error in giving away the corner , by allowing Van Persie to get in front of him and superbly flick a header over Superkelv and into to send the irritating away fans into delirium and leave about 5 of our players on the deck holding their heads.  Talk about a kick in the nuts.  Sickening.   Lost 3-2.

From a Saints point of view, all the discussions I was earwigging as I left the ground and all the questions in the post match interviews, centred around the substitutions.  My take on it is that it was right to make the substitutions but the wrong players were replaced and the wrong ones brought on.  Guly for Punch didn’t affect things too much but the other two substitutions were just wrong.  Lallana may have been tired but was he any more tired than Ward-Prowse who went down with cramp about 5 minutes later?  Also, I don’t care how tired he was; Sir Rickie was keeping two of their players occupied and was a constant threat.  Taking him off merely handed the initiative to United as it meant Ferdinand (who was creaking like the old man with rickets that he is) and Vidic could just stroll out with the ball and join in with the attacks.  OK, assuming Sir Rickie had to come off for a moment then Mayuka should not have come on as he’s had one training session and never played English football before.  Tadanari Lee would have given the energy and cover down the left and J-Rod wouldn’t have given the centre backs a free ride if he’d been played in his natural position, rather than the one Nigel seems obsessed with playing him in.  The subs may have added energy but they meant that we just gave United possession – we were leading because we’d managed to keep the ball when we’d got it and had our fair share of possession.  As soon as you let teams like United dominate possession then they will score especially if you defend like we did for the last two goals.

Ah – the defence.  It seemed to me like we were trying to commit suicide back there at times.  If we got away with one then we carried on trying to commit suicide until we eventually managed it.  For Not-so-Superkelv to put a defender in the shit with a dodgy kick out once can kind of be forgiven but to do it a second time is just moronic.  Danny Fox was in a parallel universe of his own all game and in his universe, Antonio Valencia was nowhere near him.  It was embarrassing how much space he gave him and he appeared to be completely daydreaming on the second goal to allow the cross which Ferdinand headed against the post.  Then of course we had the Jose double for the winning goal.  Then there’s Jos who has given away two stonewall penalties in three matches so far though thanks to terrible penalty attempts and decent goalkeeping, we’ve got away with those.  The front 6 were, in my opinion, superb… and we’ve still got Gaston on the bench as the song goes as it would be hard to drop anyone based on that performance.

A final moan is about the England squad which has been recently announced.  Yesterday, Andy Carroll got injured and Roy Hodgson was at SMS today, saw Sir Rickie smash Vidic and Ferdinand around, score a goal, set up a goal and then decided that Carroll didn’t need replacing.  He will also have witnessed the latest much hyped big club midfielder in Cleverley, get completely outplayed and eclipsed by James Ward-Prowse and Adam Lallana.  I’m not for a second saying that JWP should be in the England squad but surely Adam is pretty close now.

Where do Saints go from here, well, we go to Arsenal for another ridiculously tough fixture.  I would anticipate it being the same starting XI with Ramirez and Yoshida on the bench.  If it wasn’t international break time now then those two would probably be starting.  After today it looks like Yoshida may be the more urgently needed of the two.   It’s still an incredibly exciting time to be a Saints fan and whilst it was gutting to not even get a point today, we have to remember who we were playing against. 

Repeat after me….. We’ll. Be. Fine.