Premier League Match 2 - Manchester United 2 Southampton 0

Tom Daley Appeals to the Judges.

Manchester United, I hate these cunts. It almost feels like we've all had three years off from hating United as Moyes and Van Gaal have given us something to laugh at. Now though, by giving Mourinho the managers job and pissing a ridiculous amount of money up the wall, they look like they'll be a decent team and whilst there will be much to admire in players like Pogba and Ibrahimović, we can all get back to the normal state of affairs which is to think that they are all complete bunch of cunts. How much money for Pogba? Anywhere between £89 and £100 million depending on what you read. It's fucking ridiculous and if there's such a thing as hell (there isn't) then football is going there. This is before we mention the £200 grand plus per week that he's on and before we mention that he left them for nothing 4 years ago.  It's great seeing United fans justify it in commercial terms rather than in football terms. He's worth it cos he's 23 and marketable and good looking and FUCK OFF AND DIE, NOW!!!  So by that logic, if he was an ugly little twat then he'd be worth less regardless of what he can and can't do on the pitch.  Anyway, it’s time for #pogback.  Cunts.

A lot of the United hatred attitude of course will be fuelled by Sky Sports and the rest of the media who will be lapping it all up and forcing it on everybody relentlessly. With the new manager and huge new players it will of course be a 24 hour constant wankfest and any other team will merely be bit part players.

Friday night anyone? Fuck off. Tremendous news for the travelling supporters to have to take a day off work and travel the length of the country. Absolutely fucking ridiculous decision. These twats know exactly how far it is from Southampton to Manchester but do not give a shit and anyone who thinks otherwise is severely deluded. Aside from the distance, Friday night traffic anywhere in this country, especially in the big cities is fucking horrendous and the trains are all shit and you could never get back home afterwards but who cares.

To the game and I've decided to let the result pass me by. By that I mean that even though we've won the last two times here, they have a good manager now and it's a different ball game now with the cash they've spent so I'm not going to get down about it if we get beat and I'll only be annoyed if it's a last minute winner or a shite bent referees decision.

Claude has seen sense and picked Hojbjerg from the start instead of JWP and Jose Fonte is back for Maya which are the only two changes from the team that started against Watford. United give a debut to Pogba and its home debut time for Zlatan so the Wankometer is registering very high. Elsewhere, Luke Shaw is back for them after his broken leg last season but Morgan Schneiderlin is on the bench, destined it seems to follow the 'Saints to Big Club to Career Obscurity' route, favoured by many.

Pogba’s first touch is a swing and a miss, giving the ball away as millions of United fans in Malaysia, China, South America and Devon wank themselves into a frenzy.  We win an early frr kick chance as a result but Tadic hits the wall with it.  Why not let Virgil have a pop as it’s 35 yards out and he’s got a hell of a dig on him.

Romeu has collapsed in a heap which is not good and eventually he has to go off and is replaced by Clasie which is worrying if he’s going to be the sole defensive midfielder in the diamond formation.  It’s a temporary interlude to all the wanking that’s going on as Pogba has a shot which is straight at Fraser.  It’s now become apparent that Hojbjerg is playing as the holding midfielder and it suits him, spraying the ball right and left.  It’d be ideal with him next to Romeu but I promise I won’t moan about the formation until the end.

Saints are playing well and Steve Davis clips a lovely weighted ball over the left back to put Redmond in.  Tadic is unmarked in the middle but the cross is shite and sails over him.  Maybe I’m being harsh here but that is a cross that a Premier league winger really should be able to make.  Long puts another chance wide as he shoots on the turn following another free kick lofted into the box and it’s looking good…. Aside from out lack of goal threat.

Decent play from United on the break as Pogba floats a ball into Mata who heads it back and Zlatan tries an overhead kick wwhich sails wide and nearly takes Virgil’s head off.  Rest assured that if it had gone in, it would have been given.  We pinch the ball in the right back are and a couple of quick passes seen Long away on the left but instead of cutting in and te4sting out the defender for pace, he shoots left footed first time and scuffs it for de Gea to pick up.

It’s a miss we live to regret as United build and the ball gets fed to Rooney out by the right corner flag.  No one manages to go out and close down the fat little slow squirrel headed shit so he’s got all the time to turn and put over a cross and in exactly the same way that Redmond didn’t, he picks out his centre forward and Ibrahimovic gets above Fonte and bullets a header into the net.  Aside from a good crosss, it helps having a good target man doesn’t it.  Good goal, easy goal, bollocks.

Half time and work to do.  Basically we haven’t been bad but again, no goal threat and we’ve let in a really shite goal from our point of view.  We start the second half well and a driving run by Hojbjerg gets us around the penalty area before he crosses to the right and Cedric heads it back over and Tadic beats Bailly and flicks it into the net but it’s offside and it really is, about 3 yards.  Fuck it.

Game over.  United get a throw on their left and it’s worked from Martial to Shaw.  He takes on Clasie and collapses.  Penalty.  Replays show the slightest of touches by Clasie on Shaw’s trailing leg but he makes absolutely sure he goes down by clicking his heels together and going for it.  A classic case of a penalty earned by the attacking player throwing himself at the slightest touch.  I bet he practices that as well.  When Squirrel head used to take the penalties you knew you had a chance but Ibrahimovic is the new game in town and 2-0, easy as you like, sending Fraser the wrong way.

This could get messy now as United scent blood but Martial dallies on a shot when he should have just rolled it across to an unmarked Ibrahimovic and Virgil makes a superb block.  Then Valencia pisses past Targett and crosses and Zlatan inexplicably heads it back to an offside Rooney rather than going for goal.  We are still neat and tidy with Cedric again getting down the right well and putting over a ball which Long flicks wide of the far post.

We send on Austin and Rodriguez but it’s too little too late and a rather lame defeat when all is said and done.  United weren’t great but they didn’t have to be.

There is an element of business as usual for United.  Over the last three years they’ve struggled to put away teams that they should be putting away but they appear to have addressed the problems at the top end of the pitch and in the middle.  Last year they had Rooney as the main striker who hasn’t got any pace and isn;t great in the air so you could defend against him easily.  Ibrahimovic doesn’t have pace but he’s so strong and has great movement and he can stick the ball in the net and it brings their whole attacking play up a level.  We had a player like that last year but we haven't replaced him.  Pogba is also a huge physical presence in the middle of the park and him being there as opposed to someone like Carrick is a huge difference.  Spending all that money has changed the ball game and there was a sense of inevitability about this.  Like I said at the start, I’m not going to get too het up about the result but for me there are worrying signs.  We move the ball about nicely but there’s nothing in the final third.  Today, we added shite defending on the first goal into the mix as well.

Hojbjerg was a massive positive again and Virgil was immense at the back.  Jose Fonte won’t be happy with the way he was bullied by Ibrahimovic for the goal.  All the forward players reminded me of moths around a lightbulb.  They dart about and annoy you but ultimately they’re completely harmless.

Was it a dive?  There was contact but barely anything and Shaw hit the deck when he didn’t need to.  He decided to go down and therefore in my book, that’s a dive.  A bit shitty to do that against us when you did an interview before the game praising the club and supporters but there you go.  To be honest, we’d have lost anyway..

I am glad I don’t have Sky.  I could tell by the social media posts that it was just a massive cream-off over United.  It’ll be like that for the rest of the season so I guess we’d better get used to it.  Cunts.  As for us, well the next away game is at Arsenal so we really need to be winning the Sunderland home game which is up next.