Euro 2016 Part 7 - France Show You How to Dispose of Iceland

That Isn't Going In, is it Zaza!

 Thursday 30^th June

The quarter finals start today with Poland against Portugal which is an interesting clash between one very workmanlike team and one team that should be a lot better than it is.  Of course, Portugal are too reliant on the shiny twat – well they think they are anyway.  Poland have been waiting for their own superstar Robert Lewandowski to wake up all tournament.  It took him about a minute and a half when play was switched left to right and Cedric Soares (dunno which club he plays for!) failed to anticipate the bounce and it went over him to Grosicki who crossed for Lewandowski to sidefoot past Patricio who had no chance.  Portugal proved they were the more accomplished team over the next 20 minutes and should have had a penalty when the ball got played into Ronaldo who was smashed out of the way by Glick.  100% penalty not given – very funny.  Portugal eventually equalised on 35 minutes as 18 year old Renato Sanches shot from the edge of the box and it took a big nick off of Krychowiak and flew past Fabianski.

Never a penalty....

The second half became more edgy as it went on with Portugal creating the better chances and they all fell to the player they’d most want them to fall to but Ronaldo had forgotten how to kick a ball and kept missing.  I swear that Portugal do themselves no favours by ‘always’ looking for Ronaldo with the final pass.  Extra time was dull with the main chance again falling to the Shiny Twat but he played an airshot instead of connecting with Moutinho’s perfectly weighted chip over the defence. Cedric nearly made up for his first half fuck up and pinged in a great effort which flew narrowly wide of the far post. 

And so it went to penalties and I have to admit to wanting Portugal to win with my support of Jose and Cedric outweighing my dislike of Ronaldo.  Ronaldo scored.  I loved his ‘all about me’ posturing after his penalty.  It’s only thanks to you not being able to finish your fucking dinner during the game that we’re here anyway mate.  Lewandowski scored as well and on went the shootout with neither of the Saints boys being involved and eventually Blasczyzkowski stepped up for Poland’s 4^th and did the old shitty stuttered run up and Patricio dived to comfortably save.  The man who always seem to be where the action is for Portugal is Ricardo Quaresma and he was next and not going to miss.  He duly didn’t and Portugal are through to the semi finals without having won a single game in 90 minutes.

Jose Fonte marches on – legend.

Friday 1^st July

Wales have been annoying me.  They published a video of themselves celebrating like mad when England got knocked out and maybe I’m taking this too seriously but if it had been the other way round then we’d have been branded small-time or arrogant or somesuch but from them it’s fine and also, it’s just standard Celtic nations anti-English sentiment.  We should be used to it really and rise above it but I hope they get beat.  The one problem in that is that they are playing Belgium who have good individuals but they don’t play as a team and the one thing that Wales do best, is play like a team.  It’s a bit of a theme of this Championship.  Iceland played as a team and beat England’s (Shite) individuals, Italy beat Belgium etc.  So, whilst hoping Belgium do the business, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Wales win.

Belgium have Vertonghen out injured and Vermaelen suspended so Denayer and Jordan Lukaku are in.  The first 20 minutes is all Belgium and they take the lead when Nainggolan picks it up about 30 years out and absolutely smokes it into the near top corner giving Hennessey no chance at all.  As we settled back to watch the Belgian master class, something happened and Wales seemed to take over, equalising within 10 minutes as a corner was knocked in and Williams had the whole penalty area to himself and headed past Courtois for 1-1.  Wales were the better side for the rest of the half as  their midfield totally out-ran Nainggolan and Witsel in midfield and caused the inexperienced defence nightmares.  Witsel is Jordan Henderson in a Belgium kit.  He doesn’t attack with any quality and he doesn’t defend either – he’s just there and there’s space behind him.  Wilmots seeks to rectify this at half time but instead of taking Witsel off, he hooks Carrasco who had been decent and puts on Fellaini, pushing Nainggolan forward so with one substitution he reduced his attack and his midfield.

Straight after half time and Belgium should take the lead as De Bruyne puts in a great cross from the right and Lukaku just has to score with a free header from 6 yards but he fucks it right up and it slides off his head and wide.  Guess what happened next?  Yes, Wales take the lead as Ramsey gives it to Robson-Kanu on the edge of the box and he produces an outrageous Cruyff turn, sending three Belgian’s the wrong way and slots past Courtois – brilliant goal and 2-1.  Hazard is looking to produce something and De Bruyne is doing his bit but they’re on their own.  Witsel and Fellaini are shite and Lukaku is static and piss easy for Williams, Chester and Davies to mark.

Time ticks down and Belgium aren’t going to score and Wales break out, Ramsey runs out right to pick up a ball from Allen and cross to Vokes who gets up at the near post and shows Lukaku how to do it by powering a header across Courtois and into the net for 3-1.  Totally and completely deserved and you can’t help but be impressed.  I bet they’re wondering how the fuck they lost to England.

A word for Bale and that word is ‘bald’.  When he should have been celebrating the best win in Wales history he was fretting over his comb-over and constantly adjusting the bun and hairband and he even had team-mates shielding him from the camera as he sorted himself out.  Just cut it off mate – no one gives a shit.

And all the defenders go the wrong way...

Saturday 2^nd July

A classic heavyweight battle between Italy and Germany with Italy having been the best team in the tournament so far, which counts for nothing as they’re playing Germany.  Germany have apparently never beaten Italy in a tournament which is a bit unusual to say the least.  The first half was a tactical battle which ended up being boring with not much happening.  It took until the second half to liven up and the Germans scored when Hector got in down the left and his cross deflected off a defender and sat up nicely for Ozil to knock into the net.  The goal was given despite his eyes clearly being offside.  The Italians came out of their shell and attacked and a ball was crossed in from the right and Boateng jumped behind Eder but had both hands above his head for some reason and the ball hit one of them and the ref gave a penalty and hardly anyone complained.  Ridiculous defending and up stepped Bonucci to beat Neuer from the spot to make it 1-1.  Full time came and went and nothing much happened in extra time and so to penalties.  It’s Germany isn’t it but I have a feeling that they’re not as good at this as they used to be. Correct…

Here we go…. Insigne and Kroos scored before up stepped Zaza who had just come on as sub specifically to take a penalty.  As he approached the ball he did some sort of stupid fucking Riverdance thing and then lashed it over the bar.  What a cock!  Up saunters Thomas Muller who has been pretty average this tournament.  The definition of arrogance that has every neutral screaming ‘miss ya fucker’ at the TV and he sidefoots it straight to Buffon.  Wankaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! Barzagli scores then up steps Ozil and hits the post.  Shite from the Germans so it’s 2-1 after three each and Graziano Pellè is next.  Now I’d heard that he wasn’t great at penalties and he’d never taken one for Saints but he was giving Neuer some sort of signal that he was going to chip it down the middle.  Confident lad… up he goes and almost falls over the ball as he sidefoots it about a yard wide.  Absolute shite.  Draxler scores 2-2, Bonucci to repeat what he did in the game, nope, saved by Neuer and so that most German of Germans, Bastian Schweinsteiger has a penalty to win it…. Over… fucking miles over…. Twat!  2-2 after 5 penalties each. 

Sudden death…. Giaccherini goal, Hummels goal, Parolo smashes it in, Kimmich who looks about 12 years old and is shitting himself….scores, de Sciglio in off the bar, Boateng scores to make it 5-5.  We’re getting down to the dregs now and it’s Darmian and it’s piss weak and saved by Neuer.  Hector is next up for Germany and though he doesn’t hit it particularly well, it’s under Buffon and in to put Germany through.  Fuckers.  They even miss three penalties and still go through.

The only consolation for Graziano is that his miss was not as memorable as Zaza’s but he’s going to take a hell of a lot of stick from Italian fans for it.

There's confidence... and there's being a Dick!

Sunday 3^rd July

Iceland found themselves in the usual position of being underdogs, having been overwhelming favourites against the shower of shit they played in the last round.  Joking aside, France have had it piss easy so far so the fact that Iceland would probably be their sternest test was telling.  However, France played in exactly the way you should play against a spirited but limited team and took their chances when they had them.  After an even fist 20 minutes or do, Matuidi lifted a simple ball over the top and Giroud was through and scored with ease, through the legs of Halldorsson.  2-0 wasn’t far away as Pogba rose to absolutely bury a header from a corner.  Zonal marking is fine but if you line up on the 6 yard line and then the keeper doesn’t come for a ball that’s only 6 years out then you’re in trouble.  Iceland had to try and play a bit now and though they tried hard, they weren’t good enough to do it without leaving huge gaps for France to run into once they’d won the ball back and Payet picked up the ball on the edge of the box and found the corner of the net with his left foot.  From the kick off, 3-0 became 4-0 as Giroud, either by accident (probably) or design, allowed a ball to run through to Griezmann and he took it up to the keeper before calmly chipping over him.  Half time and you feared for Iceland and hoped that they wouldn’t get absolutely buried.

Though they were getting thoroughly outclassed, this Iceland team undoubtedly has spirit and they went for it and were rewarded when a cross from the right was converted on the volley at the near post by Sigthorsson, showing that he can’t only score goals again goalkeepers who have been clinically proven not to have dandruff.  No sooner was it back to 4-1, then it was 5-1 as Halldorsson got very flappy under a cross and Giroud got there first and nodded into the unguarded goal.  France were creating chances at will as Iceland tried to get another back and they did themselves no favours by taking Giroud off and putting Gignac on who put his own personal quest for a goal ahead of the greater good of burying the Icelanders.  It was nice to see Iceland get another back in the last 10 minutes as Bjarnason got on the end of a cross from the left to head past Lloris.

So, goodbye Iceland – you’ve been quite a story, not least because you highlighted what a shambolic bag of shit England are.  The players and fans all performed their Viking Clap in unison which is really cool.  England of course wouldn’t have shown enough teamwork to perform that.

Semi Finals of Wales v Portugal and France v Germany it is then.  Normally you’d pick a Portugal v Germany final but the Germans aren’t great and France are at home and Wales seem to have something and Portugal seem to find a way to win without actually winning.  My predictions are that Wales will struggle without Ramsey and Davies and this will be one game too far and that Germany will piss on the French party, being as they are, the first decent team that France have played.

England…. Well the new manager race is hotting up, sort of.  Southgate has rules himself out of the running which has to be good news.  Hoddle fancies it and right now, no one gives a fuck and won’t for a while.