Premier League Match 19 - Everton 2 Southampton 1

Hands up if You're a Twat

Everton away is a bonus game every year.  It’s probably the fixture where I have the least expectation of a result every year and every year we get beat and every year I am not surprised or annoyed about it.  It’s Everton, it’s Goodison, we turn up, they beat us, we go home.

This year in particular it’s looking like a tough assignment as Everton have only lost twice all season under their new manager Roberto Martinez and one of those was in a game where they had to play with 10 men for ages after their keeper got sent off.  Everton have managed to keep their decent Moyes-era defence intact so far but the test for Martinez will be when he has to build a defence (replacing Distin for example) which he totally failed to do at Wigan.  One of his Wigan defenders (Alcaraz) is in the defence today so maybe there’s an opportunity.  The midfield includes Ross Barkley who seems a talent destined to go to the World Cup with England if Hodgson can get over his Carrick / Lampard fixation.  Up front they have the player who’s been their main man all season and it pisses me off because he’s a Chelsea player.  Of course, I wouldn’t mind if Lukaku played for us on loan but it wouldn’t stop me thinking the rule that allows big clubs to stockpile players and loan them out to other Premier league clubs is completely wrong.

Despite his clean sheet last week, Gazza Timebomb is benched in favour of Superkelv.  It sends the wrong message that the youngster has been benched but I think Mauricio has enough ‘play the youngsters’ credit to be forgiven that one.  Personally I think it’s 100% the right decision as it will be to bench Superkelv as soon as King Artur is fit again.  Dejan Lovren is available to partner Jose Fonte in defence and the suspended Morgan is replaced with JWP which leaves us looking a bit lightweight in the defensive midfield area.  To add to the lack of expectation I have, I see that my old mate Mark Twattenburg is the referee, or Mr Narcissism as he likes to be called.  I don’t know that for sure but any referee who wants to be the centre of attention as much as he does deserves the name

As the game starts its obvious that Barkley is the hub of everything for Everton so we have to get close to him which we immediately don’t do and he drives forward before sending Coleman away on the right. His cross it met by Barkley who is still unimpeded by any player in red but his shot his easily saved by the returning Superkelv.

As soon as Saints settle down and start playing some decent football in the midfield then we fuck it up and go behind as Coleman has a dart up the right and easily cuts inside JWP.  Shaw appears to be in the too-central-Danny-Fox position and Coleman has enough space to get it back onto his right foot and attack the box at speed.  Instead of crossing it like a normal player would though he lashes it into the far top corner giving Superkelv not an earthly.  It’s a great goal but it was poor from our two youngsters to allow him the space.

We (nearly) create our first chance as Chambers bundles past Baines and Oviedo on the left and crosses to Lallana who cleverly backheels Sir Rickie through but his shot is blocked by Robles.  The offside flag was up anyway, even though it didn’t look offside from the replay.  Never mind, onwards we go and lovely football breaks out between Adam and Sir Rickie again which gives Luke Shaw the chance to get forward but his eventual shot is bollocks and is more of a threat to the corner flag than the goal.

We have a go at Route 1 as well as a Superkelv bomb is flicked on by Sir Rickie to Adam Lallana.  There’s nothing on as he receives it with his back to goal but he flicks it over both centre backs and finds himself clear but shins the left footed effort wide.  I’ve said it many times over the years but if Adam Lallana had the finishing to match his approach play then we’d have a world class player on our hands.

We have one final chance before half time as we win the ball high up the pitch and Sir Rickie’s cross is headed out to Corky who lays off well to JWP but his shot is hopeless to be honest and sails into the crowd and with that, Twattenburg gets the chance to do his hair and blows for half time.

We start the second half well but nearly manage to let in another goal as Lukaku fed Oviedo out on the left and his cross was sidefooted wide by Barkley when he really should have scored.  Our ‘final ball’ phobia comes back to haunt us straight afterwards as McCarthy is hassled by the pressing game and presents the ball to J-Rod about 30 yards out.  He plays it straight to Lallana and all he has to do is miss the last defender with his pass which he fails to do and the chance has gone.  Frustrating as fuck but not as much as when our next corner breaks to Steve Davis on the edge of the box with loads of time but when presented with a choice of shoot or cross it, the ginger master of the baize just aimlessly wafts it over the bar in shite fashion.

It is time for a substitution as we are in truth not looking like scoring so on comes Gaston for Jack Cork.  I groan loudly as I’m anticipating us soon being 2-0 down.  As with the Spurs game, there are more deserving candidates for being subbed (JWP, J-Rod, Steve Davis to name but three) but off goes Corky again.  Gaston is looking decent though and announces his arrival by dribbling through three players and passing to Chambers whose high cross causes a bit of mayhem, is recycled by Luke Shaw and J-Rod’s eventual shot is deflected wide by Distin.

And then it happened as Gaston picked up a short pass just to the left of centre, works it onto his left foot and lashes it as they close him down.  Robles, who has looked unconvincing all game sees it all the way and somehow manages to miss it as it flies over him and into the centre of the goal.  Whilst the neutral should probably be perplexed and confused by such goalkeeping, we don’t give a fuck and go mental.  Fastastic strike, get in there and Gaston is off to the crowd, shirt off, hands it to an Everton kid and gets booked for it.  Amusingly he can’t get it back and has to don a shirt with no number on it.  He’s hardly going to give it back if you fucking give it to him is he?

We need to settle down, get the ball and start passing it about again but no, we go our usual and seem to get over excited about having scored and Pienaar breaks down the left, slips it infield to McCarthy who rolls it across for the Chelsea player to thunder it into the net from the edge of the box and give Superkelv no chance.  Fuck off Jose Mourinho.

We’re going for it now and Dejan Lovren gets forward and hammers in a shot which deflects for a corner.  It comes to nothing though and we’re more open now which gives Everton further chances.  We seem reluctant to tackle the Chelsea player and he tricks his way past three players on the edge of the box before firing just over the bar.  Also over the bar but at the other end is an effort from Shaw which is well hit but never troubling the keeper.  Big Sam comes on for JWP (who really should have gone off when Gaston came on) with 5 minutes to give us someone else to aim at in the box.

We’re still pressing high and winning the ball back and from one such incident, Jose Fonte gets into nosebleed territory following a little run and is brought down by the Chelsea player.  From the free kick, Sir Rickie gets up at the back stick and heads it down, it hits Distin, everyone appeals and no penalty.  Probably fair enough but thirty seconds later, Sir Rickie flicks a ball on to Lallana on the left and he crosses it, it hits Alcaraz, big handball appeal, again nothing given, fuck off!  Alcaraz in inside the box and he’s jumped with one arm leading, away from his body.  It’s missed this arm and hit the other which is slightly higher than the other one – it’s like a fucking block in volleyball or a charge down in rugby. Clear as fucking day but it’s Twattenburg isn’t it… he of the Norwich away last year and the Arsenal away this year.  Much though I’d like to slaughter him and I do believe he’s an attention seeking whore of a referee – his view is blocked by Alcaraz and the lino is on the other side so it would have been an excellent spot from there.  You could argue that he was in the wrong position as a referee but that’s about it.  We predictably are not happy and Adam gets booked, presumably for mentioning penalty decisions past and the fact that the narcissistic twat had a hair transplant.

We’re done at this point and all that’s left to do is have a go at losing by more which we would have done but for a great save from Superkelv as the Chelsea player again fired in a snapshot which was expertly tipped round the post down low.  It’s some how gratifying that one of the big boys has to resort to dribbling into the corner to waste time at the end but this is what Everton do and Twattenburg brings things to a close and we’ve put in our usual away performance in that we’ve been superb until the final third, had more than our fair share of the game but not threatened enough.

It the same old story but today we had as good a chance as ever to get something from Goodison.  Everton were a bit under-strength, mind you so were we.  The annoying thing was that they had a clown in goal and we didn’t test him aside from Gaston’s shot which made him look stupid.  J-Rod and Sir Rickie again contributed little though the positives of Gaston’s improved performance and goal will hopefully mean we see more of him in the coming weeks, even though his hairstyle is stupid and the shirt with his number on it is now on eBay.  We miss Big Vic in midfield big time.  Mauricio obviously doesn’t rate Corky as much as everyone else seems to and as we were 1-0 down, his removal can be understood more than it could be at 2-2 against Spurs.  Again though, there were others who should have been subbed first which would still have got Gaston on the pitch without removing the defensive element of the midfield.

My initial charity towards Twattenburg and the Alcaraz handball was later found to be misplaced as he apparently said afterwards that he did see it and it wasn’t a penalty.  For starters, it sounds to me like he just doesn’t want to admit he missed it.  If he had seen it clearly then he would have to have given it.  Mind you, Howard Webb at Norwich was five yards away and looking straight at it when Bradley Johnson played basketball in the box and didn’t give it.  Some might say that he’d get more attention if he gave the decision against Everton.  What he would have actually got would be praise for giving a correct decision.  Admit it Twattenburg – you didn’t see it cos you were in the wrong place.  So, Twattenburg is a useless arse after all, no need to be charitable and normal service has been resumed, the useless squirrel headed look-at-me dickhead bag of shite.  Also, Sunday was the first time he'd refereed at Goodison for SIX years.  This is because the last time was a Merseyside derby when he sent off two Everton players and failed to award them a last minute penalty.  Ask yourself why the FA kept him away from Goodison for six years and then ask yourself if he was he ever going to give us a last minute penalty today?

Let’s get all the sour grapes out and talk about the loan system.  Well, the loan system is bollocks.  We lost to Chelsea a few weeks ago and fine – they were better than us and deserved to win.  We fucking lost to Chelsea again today.  In the normal scheme of things, Everton could not buy a striker like the Chelsea one they’ve borrowed, unless they sold Baines and Barkley or whoever, which would make the rest of the team weaker.  Last year the Chelsea player propelled West Brom to a much higher position than they would have been without him and see how they’ve struggled this year with having to rely on players they actually own.  Rules is rules I guess but the rules are shit.  You should not be allowed to loan players to another team in the same division, especially a season long loan job, it’s that simple.  The loan system should be to get you over a crisis with injuries, not to artificially improve your team. 

My Europe-wide rule proposal is

a)      only players under 21 can be loaned out

b)      and not to a team in the same division (or equivalent division abroad)

c)      and not for longer than 4 matches (would hopefully discourage foreign loans)

d)     no loan players allowed to play in any Cup game

I’m sure we can dick around with other clauses for goalkeepers and the like but in short, I think that as it is now it totally distorts the competition.  It’d be fucking hilarious if Everton finish 4^th and qualify for the Money League next year and Chelsea finish 5^th and miss out because of the 25 goals that the Chelsea striker has scored for Everton.  None of this is Romelu Lukaku’s fault – he’s only guilty of being a young player who was stupid enough to sign for the young players graveyard of Chelsea in the first place.  It’s not his fault that Mourinho thinks that the three strikers he has, who he always complains about, are better than Lukaku.

Talking of Chelsea, oh yes we’re playing them on New Years Day at home.  It’s another game where we should not expect too much as they are currently within striking distance of the top of the league.  However, I fancy seeing the Special One giving it a Special Whinge afterwards so watch this space.  He’s usually a completely ungracious twat when his team loses so hopefully we can see a bit of that.

Chelsea player scores, Mourinho delighted.