Above: A midfielder who could tackle
If there was one fixture in the Premier League that I wrote
off as being a definite 100% rock solid defeat – it was Everton away. As a travelling away fan I only ever went
there once and we got a goal through Egil Ostenstad – the trouble was that we
were already 4-0 down (if I remember correctly) when the big Norwegian did the
business and we eventually lost 7-1. After
the monumental trouncing, there followed a nightmare coach journey home which
took about a week. We won there once that I can remember, a 2-0 win when Kevin
Davies got the ball on the half way line, dribbled past everyone and
scored. The man of the match that day
was Carlton Palmer (yes, THE Carlton Palmer) and you’ll see why I’m mentioning
him later on.
The build up for the game has been about Nigel Adkins and
Sir Rickie going back to Merseyside and also it’s brought up that Adam Lallana
was a boyhood Everton fan. This year,
Everton have started the season really well as opposed to their usual start of
‘quite shit’. I have an Everton supporting
friend who usually is looking for three teams worse than them at the end of
September in order for them to stay up but this year he’s pondering them
reaching the Champions League.
Saints, despite the win last week, are in the business of
looking for three teams worse than us and Nigel has decided (or been forced to)
change things about to try and get something from this game. Morgan Schneiderlin is out with injury and with
natural replacement Jack Cork being injured again, instead of bringing in Bald
Psycho or someone else who can put a foot in, he has brought in Jay Rodriguez,
meaning that defensive solidity is really not on the menu as we’ve replaced our
defensive midfielder with a striker. We
appear to have the back 4 that finished the game against Villa, a midfield
diamond which includes the attack minded Steven Davis as the holding player, the
non-defensive JWP and Adam right and left with The Great Gaston at the point. I have decided that with no players who can
defend in the midfield that we are going to get mullered and have accepted our
fate. Gazza retins his place with No.1
in waiting Artur Boruc, still no considered fit enough.
We start the game well and push Everton back and they look
nervous and are unable to get the ball off us. So far so good and with 5 gone we get a corner
which Adam Lallana swings in from the left, Howard and an Everton defender go
to the ball and both miss it, allowing Ramirez to head into an empty net from
about 4 yards. ‘Shitfuckbollockswanker’
says Tourette Tim. ‘Jesus Christ’ says I,
we’re 1-0 up.
David Moyes has gone purple on the sidelines, no doubt
imploring his charges to rip our fucking heads off but it’s still us producing
the chances as Frazer bombs one forward, Heitinga misses it and J-Rod does him
for pace and is through on the right. He
cuts in, the ball drops nicely and he shanks it across the goal and off for a
goal kick. Ooh, big moment.
Everton, possibly in response to the rage coming from their
dugout, start to pass the ball on the deck and immediately we start to creak
and it doesn’t take long for them to get back in it as Mirallis bursts down the
right, past Clyne and fires in a cross which is behind Jelavic but it hits
someone and drops very kindly into the path of Osman who can’t miss from 5
yards and he doesn’t, though he may have had a slight heart-in-mouth moment as
he scooped his shot into the top corner.
Five minutes pass of almost exclusive Everton possession
while we run about not getting tackles in.
As predictably as you like, Everton score again as Fellaini and Mirallis
combine in midfield to send Jelavic away in the inside left channel. As he bears down on goal, Gazza looks too far
over at the near post and so it proves as the Croatian rolls a nice finish
across him and into the far corner, showing J-Rod how it should be done.
We’re now not keeping the ball, nor winning it back and the
Everton players are queuing up to shoot.
Jelavic gets in a decent header which Gazza does superbly to claw out
but we only clear the ball out as far as Coleman on the right who goes past
Lallana as if he isn’t there or as if he’s a fully paid up member of the
Everton fan club and crosses for Jelavic to thump in a header at the back stick
which Gazza couldn’t keep out despite a decent effort. I have gone all Tourettes with a
‘forfuckssake’, giving it far too much volume for my kids not to hear it. Half time can’t come soon enough but we have
a go at equalling our Arsenal effort as Sir Rickie allows Fellaini to get his
wig on a corner and hit the bar. Half
time, fire up the bus, we may as well go home.
The second half was a bit of a chore to watch (thanks to
dodgy internet streams) as we were never, I repeat never, going to get back
into it. Everton played at half pace but
still had decent chances with the Be-wigged one firing a long distance effort
just wide and Gazza producing a decent save to keep out a Mirallis effort. There were just 20 minutes to go when we woke
up again as Gaston fired in a long range effort which Howard held. He must have beeen Tourette Tim again a
minute or so later as a superb ball from Sir Rickie picked out Gaston who
dinked it over Howard who turned, said something like
‘shitfuckgowideyoufuckerbastard’, which is duly did, by inches.
Mayuka comes on for J-Rod and a mascot comes on for
Nathaniel Clyne. Actually it’s Ben
Reeves so he can go to left back and end up trying to mark two players every
time Everton attack down that side. We
have one more decent chance before the end of the game as Steven Davis hoists
in a cross and Sir Rickie outjumps the defender and thumps a decent header
towards goal which Howard keeps out easily enough. In the 89th minute, Nigel sends on
Bald Psycho to stiffen up the midfield cos you need that when you’re 3-1 down
with a minute to go. Final whistle but
I’d long since stopped caring about his game.
This game was doomed from the start and defeat was
inevitable. I’ll repeat roughly what I
said after the Arsenal game and say that in the Premier League, you cannot play
the decent sides away from home and hope to out-pass them or have more
possession. We actually did for a bit
today but once Everton sorted themselves out (20 minutes), we got shat on from
a great height. I’d be seriously pissed
off if I was Bald Psycho as I’d not only be bald but I’ll have seen the manager
change the formation for the first time since pre-season started, rather than
give me a game. I’m not saying for a
second that Chappers would be the miracle cure but he at least has some
appreciation of defending and might actually win the ball or cover the
full-back every so often.
Though not as heavy a defeat, today was much like the
Arsenal game in that we were out of it by half time and we also allowed
ourselves to let in 3 goals in 10 minutes.
Nigel may well say we played better in the second half and could have
got back into it but it doesn’t fucking matter if you’re already out of the
game and the opposition are in first gear with their collective foot nowhere
near the gas. If we continue to be this
open away from home then we won’t beat any of the lesser lights either and will
be left having to win 12 or 13 of our remaining 16 home games. I notice that we’re not talking so much about
‘The Southampton Way’ any more cos at the moment, ‘The Southampton Way’ involves
turning up like some sort of travelling entertainment roadshow, playing 6
attacking players and giving away 3 easy points in an entertaining way. The
other side of the argument is of course, would you rather play expansive
football and get beat or play like the Fat Sam Total Football Academy and welly
everything and get beat? I guess the
silver lining is that our 3 away days have been at Man City, Arsenal and
Everton but like I say, if we’d played like this at Norwich, West Ham and
Reading, I reckon we’d have zero points as well.
Next up we have Fulham at SMS and we have a stupid kick off
time of 1.30pm on a Sunday meaning that I’m going to have to drive like a twat
do get from my son’s football match to home and then back to SMS. Does anyone at Sky or ESPN or whatever
fucking channel it’s on give a shit? No
answer necessary.
Oh yeah, Carlton Palmer… we could have done with him
today. That is all.
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