I laugh in the face of your 'Long Ball Manager' accusations.
West Ham are in town for a first v second clash in front of a 32,000 crowd in what will be a massive test of our 100% home record. If you look at their team then it really is a Premiership standard starting XI and it beggars belief how Avram Grant managed to get them relegated last year. He did though and was soon fired as the owners coshed him over the head with a 14 inch Super Intruder Dildo from their personal collection. The Dildo Boys really should have got Paul Jewell as a replacement for dear old Red Light Avram, as he’s got previous in their industry but instead they went for Sam Allardyce, possibly because of his ‘Big Sam’ nickname but probably because he’s a manager with a reputation for getting results.
My main memory of a game against West Ham is a 3-3 draw at Upton Park when Le Tiss scored twice and we stayed up as a result. The other memory is of a game in the early 80’s at The Dell when they beat us 3-2 with a late winner and then ran riot down Milton Road after the game. I was about 14 but I remember a tiny female copper confronting this massive Hammers fan and he looked down on her and yelled ‘Swallow my Cock’ at the top of his voice. He then ran off without being arrested. It was funny then and still is today. In recent years I’ve found West Ham a bit of a basket case. There was the Tevez and Mascherano thing which was obviously dodgy from the moment they walked in the door, then there was the enquiry and lies regarding Tevez and Sheffield United getting relegated which wuld have caused more outrage if it wasn’t Neil Warnock. Then there was the Icelandic mob who nearly bankrupted them (Lucas Neill on £70k a week...), now we have the Porn Barons and the Olympic Stadium gift to bail them out and now it seems likely that it’s even more of a gift as it looks like they’ll be playing there for a paltry rent. None of it really befits a club with great traditions and history.
To the teams and Jack Cork is on the bench to the surprise of everyone and the central midfield is Morgan and Deano. Chappers is still on the left and the rest of the team is as you’d expect with Frazer having obviously recovered from his arse injury. West Ham have some serious Premiership names in their ranks but they have a different dodgy keeper to usual with Manuel Almunia instead of Robert Green. John Carew, all nine foot six of him is up front with Sam Baldock who was at the Fake Dons last year. Midfield contains Kevin Nolan and two ex-Skates in Matt Taylor and Papa Bouba Massive Bastard. They also have Henri Lansbury on loan from Arsenal who with his bald head and beard looks like he has his head on upside down.
We have an early scare of the worst kind when Skate Taylor fires in a shot which Superkelv keeps out well at the foot of the post. Saints are trying to pass the ball about and West Ham are closing fast and snapping into tackles but only when we get to about 40 yards of their goal. They defend deep and have two banks of 4 behind the ball at all times. This means we are restricted initially to wildly optimistic efforts on goal and Deano obviously has issues with a couple of blokes in the Northam as he smashes the ball into the crowd a couple of times from 30 yards range.
So, West Ham defensive tactics are to get everyone behind the ball as quickly as possible and their attacking tactics are Hooooooof up to Carew and try and pick up the bits and pieces coming back from him or off of Fonte and Hooiveld who are coping quite well.
There’s a relatively early highlight as Skate Bastard Matt Taylor pulls up and has to be substituted after 20 minutes. He limps off down the tunnel with 30,000 wanker signs watching him go and is replaced by Frederick Piquionne. Is there some rule that states you have to have a certain number of ex-Skates on the pitch? The other of course is Bouba Diop who does a decent job until he gets the ball when he will either hoof it out of play or shoot. When he shoots the only question is whether it will go for a goal kick or a throw in.
Saints create half chances for Chappers and Sir Rickie which come to nothing and West Ham’s defenders obviously don’t trust Manuel as they give us a needless corner before standing there arguing with eachother. We have our best chance a minute later as Faubert makes a right bollocks of a clearance and chips it up to Connolly who has more time than he realises and shanks a volley wide.
Right on half time we pass our way through again and first Chappers and then Connolly see shots well blocked by defenders and we get another corner. Danny Fox goes over to take it and up goes Big Jos to thump it over Manuel and into the net for 1-0. It’s somewhat ironic that West Ham give it the Hoooooof all game and then we score direct from a set piece. Hopefully, Big Sam will be hoofing crockery all round the changing room at half time. The whistle blows and all is well with the world, even with the Chuckle Brothers who still talk shit but they don’t moan as much. I guess the Chuckle Brothers section will get more interesting when we fail to win a home game.
West Ham come out the better at the start of the second half and put us under pressure. It’s nothing scientific though, hoooooof! To be honest, it’s bollocks and we deal with it. Back we come with some swift passing and Deano is motoring into their half when Nolan cynically hacks him down and then throws his bear out. He has a go at Deano for (I assume) not being quick enough to get away from him and then has a go at the ref when the inevitable yellow card comes out. Tosser. The biggest tosser however is Baldock who tries to be clever and does a wanky little stampy foot dance as Sir Rickie is about to take the free kick but he’s only five yards away and gets booked as well. As Sir Rickie thumps in the free kick which deflects wide for a corner, Baldock is still doing the wanky little dance next to him. It’s some of the most bizarre behaviour I’ve ever seen on a football pitch.
Baldock is the centre of attention a minute or so later as Fonte falls over rather than deal with a big hoooooof forward and the dancing twat is now one on one with Superkelv who comes out and turns to watch Baldock’s curler land just wide of the far post. Instead of doing a dance, he just lies on the floor with his head in his hands – haaaaaaaa. Jose fucked up here – no question, but the Northam were brilliant, giving it a big version of ‘Jose Fonte baby’ which was superb and must have raised his spirits no end and is symptomatic of the good feeling at the club right now and the feeling that everyone is pulling in the same direction.
David Connolly worked a yard of room for himself in the box and curled just wide before hooooooof. Baldock was clearly offside and put his hands up to acknowledge it as he ran back. Then the little prick changed direction to run directly into Fonte and Hooiveld had to cover across to concede a corner as Carew bore down on goal. Big Jos then managed to get himself booked for I assume, pointing this all out to the referee and not doing it in Dutch.
As we approached the hour mark, West Ham have a decent chance from a free kick as Nolan peels off the wall and gets free far too easily and hammers in a shot which Superkelv gets down and saves well. Big Sam decided he didn’t need Bouba Diop’s brand of creativity and replaced him with Mark Noble who I always thought was a good player. Chappers breaks forward on the right and with no support, takes the shot early in an attempt to catch Manuel out but it flies narrowly over from the corner of the penalty area. Dan Harding is warming up and Chappers leaves his final mark on the game by clattering into the back of Lansbury, winning the ball but haven’t been able to tackle like that since the 90’s and off he goes after another really good performance.
It should have been game over almost immediately as Saints carve open the Hammers defence and Morgan plays the Gulyman clean through but Manuel comes flying off his line to save with his legs. Bastard. A couple more substitutions as Saints replace Connolly with Cork who goes to the right of midfield with The Gulyman up front. West Ham take Carew off which is a massive relief as he’s been a pain in the arse. Maybe the Hoooooof will stop now but I doubt it as Piquionne has gone up front.
Jack Cork has a nightmare first couple of touches – presenting the ball to the opposition and then repeating the trick by selling Frazer short and he ends up carting the Hammers player up n the air. From the free kick, Noble goes for the top corner and Superkelv gets up to tip it over the bar. From the corner, we nearly get undone as Faubert’s cross from the right, deflects off a defender and hits the far post to expelling of air all round.
Five minutes to go and my pet hate happens – people are leaving with the game still in the balance and then compounding the error by stopping in the gangways to watch something happen on the pitch, blocking the view of the remaining fans…. so sorry if you’re the bloke I told to “fuck off and keep moving you twat”. Another sub as the Gulyman departs to be replaced by Steve de Ridder who, as always, has an impact. Firstly he takes a pass from Sir Rickie before chipping in a shot which the frantically backpeddling Manuel turns over the bar. Then he pulls out what can only be described as a shit tackle on a defender and deservedly gets booked.
The referee then makes himself no friends by giving a foul when Harding was tripped, without waiting to see that the ball had gone through to de Ridder who’d squirted it past Manuel and into the net. Nigel is doing something resembling the pogo on the sideline but to be fair, I think Manuel had stopped and Sir Rickie’s subsequent free kick is well gathered. It’s still shit refereeing though.
5 minutes says the board and so it’s time for some more Hoooooof, repelled time and again by Fonte and Hooiveld. We play keep ball for a bit and West Ham get even more Hoooooftastic in their desperation. It’s funny and sad to see a player as good as Kevin Nolan is meant to be, getting the ball in space in midfield and just hoofing it over the right winger for a throw in. One final panic as Superkelv went walkabout but he came up with the ball. Ironically, he hooooofed it downfield and the ref blew the final whistle and yessssss.
Get the fuck in there – seventeen home wins in a row. It’s unreal, it really is. I’m feeling completely knackered, my feet hurt and my voice doesn’t work any more and I sound a bit like a teenage boy whose voice is breaking. Big Jos is milking the applause and well he might, he was immense today and scoring the all important goal kind of caps it all really. We took on a team with the biggest resources in the division, the most Premiership experience in the division and arguably, the most experienced manager in the division and we beat them... and there was only one team trying to play football out there. Hooooof!!!
For Nigel – any criticism that may have come his way for changing the midfield was stifled by the fact that we won and the performances of Deano and Morgan in the middle. Chappers was huge out on the left and the Gulyman seemed to raise his game for the big occasion. Danny Fox is improving all the time and had a really solid game, as did Frazer who had no arse related problems at all. The centre backs though were immense and Carew must be a nightmare to play against but in the main they coped really well. Superkelv was back, replacing Indecisivekelv and Flappykelv and made some very important stops though he did almost give me a heart attack when he went for that ball with his feet in the last minute.
West Ham – bloody hell. I kind of hope the end justifies the means for them as their fans are going to struggle to watch that all season. Shocking play straight out of the dark ages but it’s pure Allardyce. It made me laugh when he was at Newcastle Newcastle
It was a bit of a shock on the way home to realise that we are five points clear at the top as Middlesbrough and Derby Reading
==================================================================================Back in time when I was still young and fit enough to play football, I ran a side which at various times, contained 4 Hammers fans: Glenn, Shaun, Gary and Martin. Martin passed away a couple of years ago which was a huge shock as he was only 41 and this was the first meeting of Saints and West Ham since then. I had my own personal minutes silence before the kick off in memory of a great bloke... Rest in Peace Mart.
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