League 1 Match 11 - Southampton 2 Tranmere 0

Saints subs arrive at St Mary's

After last weeks comprehensive beating of the Moaning Dorset Bastards, it appeared that everything as back on track and we would have a good weeks training, the Echo would have nothing to cut and paste about and the Web Forum Dwellers would have nothing to over react about…. And then Lee Barnard went out on the piss. Lager + The White House + an incident + arrested + bailed + hospital visit + operation on hand + Bailed til December = Normal lads Night Out. What I’ve listed above is basically all that is known. Of course, the world is full of people who were there, saw the whole thing, their mates brothers step dad cage fighting mate was there and told me blah blah la-di-dah. Barnard, in the White House, with the bottle is the concensus of internet Cluedo but it may as well be Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick for all we actually know.

To potentially replace the man with the hand injury from his Saturday night out, we brought in Nicholas Bignall on loan from Reading, a powerful, quick, centre forward or winger. Didn’t we have one of those on loan from Reading last year ? The dust settled on his loan move and then, in a twist so funny you really couldn’t make it up – he’s got his own appointment with the Police as well, for a ‘nightclub incident’. I know for a fact, because someone told me that the entire World Wrestling Federation were in the nightclub in Reading and one of them called Nicholas a poof and he took the whole lot of them on, armed only with a cocktail umbrella and he decked the fucking lot of them. When arrested he said “Do you know who I’m about to sign for… the well ‘ard SFC”, before stuffing the umbrella up the arresting officers arse. It’s all true.

Anyway… team news was that the Bail Boys were on the bench meaning that Guly do Prado got his first league start up front alongside Sir Rickie. Richard Chaplow came into midfield in place of the unavailable Schneiderlin. Tranmere were missing Ian Goodison from their defence who last year, virtually defended everything on his own and looked a very good player. No question – we should win this game.

Saints meant business right from the off with Guly putting Sir Rickie in on goal with barely a minute on the clock, only for the big man to delay in shot and get smothered in the tackle. Chaplow was bursting into the box at every opportunity and nearly got on the end of another Guly pass before Lallana curled a cross over from the right and Sir Rickie rose to thump a header off the bar and over. We’re all over them and keeping the ball very well and patiently building from the back with Fonte totally controlling things and getting the ball off of Superkelv at every opportunity and strolling forward with it.

Guly is showing well up front, coming short to receive the ball and laying it off first time whenever he can but as the game gets going he immediately shows more inclination to hold it up. He looks superb and is showing a surprising willingness to close down and chase lost causes which is not what I expected when he sulked all the way through his first couple of games, pausing only to show exasperation at team mates. Another Guly centred move puts Harding through on the left but instead of lashing it first time he tries to cushion it but unfortunately, he has a touch with the subtlety of a bottle smashed over the head and the chance is gone.

We got to 20 minutes with no goal and a couple more chances for Hammond and Puncheon which test the keeper but not really. Puncheon’s is typical…. Get ball, cut inside onto left foot, scuff it along the ground. There is then a bit of a change and Tranmere have a couple of half chances, one of which results in a Superkelv ‘one for the cameras’ special. As we neared half time, we were having our worst periods of the match and quite unexpectedly, we scored. A Butterfield ball to the Gulyman was too long and ended up in the right hand corner. Credit to the Gulyman for not giving it up and he managed to catch up the defender and nick it back to Punch who did his usual and ran into a defender, from where it fell to Butters who swung over a curling cross to where Sir Rickie was standing, unmarked, six yards out. A thump with the forehead and 1-0.

An added bonus of this goal was that it was so close to half time that many had already made the exit to the concourse, including Old Fat Bastard who sits in my row. He doesn’t even say ‘excuse me’, just barges past expecting you to move, so he can get in the queue first for his pie. Well I hope it was worth it OFB cos you missed the goal. My friends the Chuckle Brothers were 50% light in their number as the whiny thick one was missing, presumed moronic. His mate, the duck noise through the rolled up programme guy (must think of a better way to describe him), was for some reason, asking if anyone know what Welsh Rarebit was. Why the fuck you would want to know that in the middle of a football match is beyond me and then I realised… Tranmere had a player called Welsh so naturally… it’s like a word association thing….

“Welsh… Rarebit”
“Scottish… Haggis”
“Duck Noise Programme Guy… TWAT!!!”

Luckily for Old Fat Bastard, it takes another ten minutes of dominance in the second half before we increase our lead and it’s another Guly do Prado production as he skins a guy down the right wing before cutting it back behind Sir Rickie but in front of Lallana, who smashes it in. 2-0, game over. The question was – would we push on and get loads but whatever we did , we were going to have to do it without Guly who chased a ball into the corner and then collapsed with cramp. Butters administered first aid and the Gulyman gingerly got to his feet before being subbed. He got a standing ovation as he slowly walked off to replaced by Prisoner Number 28469276, Barnard L who shook hands left handed as he came on.

Barney’s arrival brought some humour from the Northam End and he was running to them five minutes later in the belief that he’d made it 3-0, only for an offside flag to be raised against Chaplow who had in fact had the last touch. Punch had a couple of efforts that were linked by the fact that neither the traditional scuffer or it’s alternative, the lash over the bar, were ever going to go in. Recongnizing a lost cause when he saw one, Nigel replaced Punch with Alex Chamberlain.

Chances came and chances went as Saints went in search of the killer goal which they were never going to need because my friends, Tranmere were never going to even make Superkelv get his kit dirty. Barney won a free kick on the edge of the box and Sir Rickie made a total Puncheon of the effort as he scuffed it wide to the deserved derision of “what the fucking hell was that” from the Northam. Sir Rickie found himself out wide right and curled a lovely cross onto Barney’s head but he either didn’t reach it or took his eye off it and it flew wide. The final decent chance fell to Chaplow who could have put the gloss on things but when clean through, seemed to lack the confience to take it on and instead, Puncheoned his shot wide from 18 yards when he could have got a lot closer.

Lee Holmes came on for Lallana for his obligatory five minutes and added to the DVD on his Saints career highlight by smashing a pull back from Barnard so high it almost hit the Flybe plane that had just gone over. It was dreadful and so were Tranmere, just woeful and they will get relegated this year. If there are 4 worse teams than them in the division this year then Tommy Forecast will play for England.

Game over, 2-0, easy really. I guess the only frustration (aside from Puncheon in general) is that we missed a few chances and also, let the tempo drop a bit but these are small concerns really. We are looking more and more like a team that can do some serious damage in this league and talking of which… it’s all closed right up at the top with us now being only 2 points off the playoffs and 4 off of an automatic slot. OK, we’re still 13th but watch us go.

The difference in the style of football in the 3 weeks Nigel Adkins has been there is quite remarkable and it’s only going to get better as well. I felt that we sometimes played what Wee Gordon Strachan used to refer to as ‘propaganda football’ where we passed it about for 10-15 passes without actually gong anywhere… but overall it was excellent stuff and it’s so nice to see the team all want the ball. It’s great to watch Danny Seaborne trying to suppress that natural instinct to cream it 60 yards up the pitch and nice to see Superkelv throwing it out instead of kicking for touch via a slice off his right boot.

Lots of players had decent games today but listen (as Nigel would say), the best was the Gulyman who showed an unexpected work ethic as well as some superb ability on the ball and, listen Jason Puncheon, the ability to play the final ball. I feel that Lee Barnard may get a few more games on the bench as a result of his adventures in Above Bar. Still – at least on the bench he can get to know one of this potential cell mates.