Wem-ber-ley
This one is hurting. I usually accept that I have to miss midweek games due to work but this is killing me. For starters, I had a ticket and was intending to go but then I got made redundant at work and as a contractor, I then had to take every bit of work that was going. So, I’ve paid for a ticket and now I’m paying again by sitting in an Internet café listening to The Saints Player. Assuming that I’m here for the duration, it’s going to cost another tenner. Small price to pay though. It’s a night of JPT Rock ‘n’ Roll action with Saints v Fakes and also Carlisle v Leeds in the other Area Final with Carlisle 2-1 up from the away leg.
Since the Exeter game, Don Nicola Cortese has decided to put a bit of a squeeze on Pards’ knackers and publically declared that he expects better results in the league. Personally I think he’s stating the obvious but I question whether it really needed saying in public. Surely he could have just had a quiet word or alternatively, left a horses head in his bed.
To the team and at last, Hammond is back. Tonights centre back pairing is Fonte and Jaidi which would be my first choice anyway. Fonte is of course not cup tied for the JPT, having played for a team not bad enough to enter it. Dan Harding is recalled in place of Heather Mills and our “JPT specialists” (copyright The Dickhead on Radio Solent) Antonio and Thomas make up the right hand side of the team. The Fake Dons on the other hand have a bit of an injury crisis, plus the fact that Jason Puncheon can’t play for them as he’s moved on to better things. Punch’s place in the squad has been taken by Alex Rae who is 40.
Fast start for Saints and we swarm all over them but the first JPT news of the night is that Carlisle are 1-0 up against Leeds making it 3-1 on aggregate. In a totally unrelated aside, Pompey have gone 1-0 down v Sunderland and had Ricardo Rocha sent off. He’ll now be banned for the FA Cup game at SMS on Saturday (if it takes place) which is karma because he was signed despite Pompey owing millions to everyone.
Papa Waigo, our other JPT specialist, is looking dangerous but there is a strange development in that Sir Rickie is taking all the free kicks from wide areas. So, having spoken about decreasing his workload, Pards now has him taking free kicks and expecting him to get his head on the end of the cross!!! Madness I say, Pardew out!!! Seriously though, why can’t Lallana or Morgan “Dead Ball Specialist” Schneiderlin take them.
Dave Merrington - now he is a genius and he is prone to those Nostradamus moments, predicting the exact opposite of what is about to happen. For once he is spot on with “it’s a matter of time before Saints score” as Sir Rickie takes some time off from taking free kicks, goal kicks and throw ins and gets in the box to collect a ball from a neat pass by Waigo and make it 1-0 on the night, 2-0 on aggregate. Solent Dickhead gives his “March to the Arch” saying an airing for the first time.
More strangeness happens as Sir Rickie is now taking corners from both sides and you know what happens – takes one from the left, ball gets put behind again for a corner on the right. Meanwhile, Papa Waigo N’Doffside makes his first appearance for a few weeks but all is forgiven on the half hour as following an Antonio run and a hurried MK clearance, the ball hit Woodards in the guts and bounces into the net for a very funny own goal. It’s the second daft own goal we’ve got in recent weeks and this one is hilarious. I have had to get this description from my Dad as the genius on the radio did it no justice at all with “Antonio….. own goal”
Meanwhile, several thousand miles away, Leeds equalize at Carlisle but it’s still 3-2 to Carlisle on aggregate.
It’s still all Saints, going for the proverbial jugular and you sense that the Fake Dons know the game is up and resort to Ince tactics as Waigo collects an elbow in the face. His subsequent conversation with the ref must have been strange as he speaks no English whatsoever.
A regular feature of all games against the Fake Dons this year has been the game you can play whenever the ball rolls towards Gueret, in the Fake Dons goal… “which angle will the ball slice off his foot at ?” He manages a 20 degree one which is not too bad, then a 45 but then surpasses himself with a 90 which is a far out as you can be without going backwards. Whilst Gueret is slicing for all his life’s worth, Carlisle are slicing through Leeds again and it’s 2-1 on the night, 4-2 on aggregate. Radio Solent Dickhead goes into overdrive with “it’s Saints v Carlisle at Wembley on March 28th”.
Saints respond to this by throwing some awful defending into the mix as Harding says “after you”, Fonte says “after you” (in Portuguese) and Jaidi says “after you” (in French) and Randall just puts it in the net. Suddenly we’re panicking and looking for half time as the Fakes pile it on without actually having another shot. Half time, 2-1, 3-1 on aggregate.
During the half time break, news filters through that Leeds have scored twice in the last 10 and now it’s 4-4 on aggregate and penalties are about to start. The second half starts at SMS and Sir Rickie is still taking corners. I’m temporarily distracted as nothing much is going on at SMS, so I start watching the Carlisle v Leeds penalties on BBC text updates. 1-0, Leeds miss, 2-0, 2-1, 3-1, 3-2, Carlisle miss, 3-3, 4-3 and Dickhead announces on the radio that Carlisle are through, 4-4. Come on Carlisle!!! 5-4, 5-5, 6-5, Leeds miss and Carlisle are finally through but Solent Dickhead is not as confident as before, as it’s now “Carlisle versus the winners of tonight”
We’re into the last half hour and it’s stopped being an interesting game as Saints appear to have settled for what they have and it’s just turned into a niggle-fest in midfield with nothing much happening. Solent Dickhead punctuates the tension by announcing after a foul by Wilbraham, that Saints have a "free cock" which sounds like the sort of thing Avram Grant allegedly has in Unit 1, Horton Heath.
With 15 left, Pards decides that it’s time to bolster the midfield and Wotton comes on for Schneiderlin who has once again, flattered to deceive. Solent Dickhead announces that James has come on but of course, he hasn’t. Those who have “less than 2 minutes” on the spread betting for “First Wotton Foul” are duly rewarded as Wotton goes slicing and dicing like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. It’s getting more and more niggly and the Master of Niggle and Very Fast Driving, Wayne Thomas tries to start a fight and gets booked. Ince’s last throw of the dice is to bring on the 40 year old midfielder just in time for Saints to wrap it all up with a goal from Lallana – 3-1 on the night, 4-1 on aggregate, 5 minutes left and we’re going to Wem-ber-ley….
Despite the formality of what’s about to happen and having already been booked, Thommo decides that it’s worth running 40 yards to get involved in Fonte’s ruck with the ever irritating Wilbraham. Yellow for Wilbraham, lecture for Thommo who is immediately substituted to a standing ovation. He leaves the pitch to 29,000 people cheering in the Fake Dons bench giving him the large one. I like Thommo but when the red mist comes down, it really comes down…
Game over, job done and as I mentioned before, we’re going to Wem-ber-ley. I look forward to the post game insight from Karl ‘Bullshit’ Robinson, the Fake Dons assistant manager. Was our celebration ok Karl?, did you outplay us again Karl? Winning was all that mattered tonight and we completed the job with something to spare. In truth, one gifted goal aside, the Fake Dons never threatened.
Now we move on to the matter of playing our nearest and dearest rivals in the FA Cup on Saturday. It’s transpired that it could well be their last ever game as the High Court has given them a 7 day extension to find a shedload of clean money in the washing machine which is assuming they’ve paid the electricity bill to operate the washing machine. We could win and go through and bizarrely, we could draw and go through. Forgetting all that and concentrating on the game – I’m worried that our midfield will get overrun as that’s where Pompey’s strength is and we’re weak there. Hammond is of course, not up to full speed yet and for me, Schneiderlin is just not effective enough. Personally I’d play three in the centre – Hammond, James and Lallana breaking forward to support Sir Rickie. I’m not the manager though and for that we should be grateful….
For us Saints fans, it’s all set up to be a beautiful weekend and all we can do is hope Pards and the team can deliver. To echo the programme notes of the late great Alan Ball, get home safely…
Since the Exeter game, Don Nicola Cortese has decided to put a bit of a squeeze on Pards’ knackers and publically declared that he expects better results in the league. Personally I think he’s stating the obvious but I question whether it really needed saying in public. Surely he could have just had a quiet word or alternatively, left a horses head in his bed.
To the team and at last, Hammond is back. Tonights centre back pairing is Fonte and Jaidi which would be my first choice anyway. Fonte is of course not cup tied for the JPT, having played for a team not bad enough to enter it. Dan Harding is recalled in place of Heather Mills and our “JPT specialists” (copyright The Dickhead on Radio Solent) Antonio and Thomas make up the right hand side of the team. The Fake Dons on the other hand have a bit of an injury crisis, plus the fact that Jason Puncheon can’t play for them as he’s moved on to better things. Punch’s place in the squad has been taken by Alex Rae who is 40.
Fast start for Saints and we swarm all over them but the first JPT news of the night is that Carlisle are 1-0 up against Leeds making it 3-1 on aggregate. In a totally unrelated aside, Pompey have gone 1-0 down v Sunderland and had Ricardo Rocha sent off. He’ll now be banned for the FA Cup game at SMS on Saturday (if it takes place) which is karma because he was signed despite Pompey owing millions to everyone.
Papa Waigo, our other JPT specialist, is looking dangerous but there is a strange development in that Sir Rickie is taking all the free kicks from wide areas. So, having spoken about decreasing his workload, Pards now has him taking free kicks and expecting him to get his head on the end of the cross!!! Madness I say, Pardew out!!! Seriously though, why can’t Lallana or Morgan “Dead Ball Specialist” Schneiderlin take them.
Dave Merrington - now he is a genius and he is prone to those Nostradamus moments, predicting the exact opposite of what is about to happen. For once he is spot on with “it’s a matter of time before Saints score” as Sir Rickie takes some time off from taking free kicks, goal kicks and throw ins and gets in the box to collect a ball from a neat pass by Waigo and make it 1-0 on the night, 2-0 on aggregate. Solent Dickhead gives his “March to the Arch” saying an airing for the first time.
More strangeness happens as Sir Rickie is now taking corners from both sides and you know what happens – takes one from the left, ball gets put behind again for a corner on the right. Meanwhile, Papa Waigo N’Doffside makes his first appearance for a few weeks but all is forgiven on the half hour as following an Antonio run and a hurried MK clearance, the ball hit Woodards in the guts and bounces into the net for a very funny own goal. It’s the second daft own goal we’ve got in recent weeks and this one is hilarious. I have had to get this description from my Dad as the genius on the radio did it no justice at all with “Antonio….. own goal”
Meanwhile, several thousand miles away, Leeds equalize at Carlisle but it’s still 3-2 to Carlisle on aggregate.
It’s still all Saints, going for the proverbial jugular and you sense that the Fake Dons know the game is up and resort to Ince tactics as Waigo collects an elbow in the face. His subsequent conversation with the ref must have been strange as he speaks no English whatsoever.
A regular feature of all games against the Fake Dons this year has been the game you can play whenever the ball rolls towards Gueret, in the Fake Dons goal… “which angle will the ball slice off his foot at ?” He manages a 20 degree one which is not too bad, then a 45 but then surpasses himself with a 90 which is a far out as you can be without going backwards. Whilst Gueret is slicing for all his life’s worth, Carlisle are slicing through Leeds again and it’s 2-1 on the night, 4-2 on aggregate. Radio Solent Dickhead goes into overdrive with “it’s Saints v Carlisle at Wembley on March 28th”.
Saints respond to this by throwing some awful defending into the mix as Harding says “after you”, Fonte says “after you” (in Portuguese) and Jaidi says “after you” (in French) and Randall just puts it in the net. Suddenly we’re panicking and looking for half time as the Fakes pile it on without actually having another shot. Half time, 2-1, 3-1 on aggregate.
During the half time break, news filters through that Leeds have scored twice in the last 10 and now it’s 4-4 on aggregate and penalties are about to start. The second half starts at SMS and Sir Rickie is still taking corners. I’m temporarily distracted as nothing much is going on at SMS, so I start watching the Carlisle v Leeds penalties on BBC text updates. 1-0, Leeds miss, 2-0, 2-1, 3-1, 3-2, Carlisle miss, 3-3, 4-3 and Dickhead announces on the radio that Carlisle are through, 4-4. Come on Carlisle!!! 5-4, 5-5, 6-5, Leeds miss and Carlisle are finally through but Solent Dickhead is not as confident as before, as it’s now “Carlisle versus the winners of tonight”
We’re into the last half hour and it’s stopped being an interesting game as Saints appear to have settled for what they have and it’s just turned into a niggle-fest in midfield with nothing much happening. Solent Dickhead punctuates the tension by announcing after a foul by Wilbraham, that Saints have a "free cock" which sounds like the sort of thing Avram Grant allegedly has in Unit 1, Horton Heath.
With 15 left, Pards decides that it’s time to bolster the midfield and Wotton comes on for Schneiderlin who has once again, flattered to deceive. Solent Dickhead announces that James has come on but of course, he hasn’t. Those who have “less than 2 minutes” on the spread betting for “First Wotton Foul” are duly rewarded as Wotton goes slicing and dicing like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. It’s getting more and more niggly and the Master of Niggle and Very Fast Driving, Wayne Thomas tries to start a fight and gets booked. Ince’s last throw of the dice is to bring on the 40 year old midfielder just in time for Saints to wrap it all up with a goal from Lallana – 3-1 on the night, 4-1 on aggregate, 5 minutes left and we’re going to Wem-ber-ley….
Despite the formality of what’s about to happen and having already been booked, Thommo decides that it’s worth running 40 yards to get involved in Fonte’s ruck with the ever irritating Wilbraham. Yellow for Wilbraham, lecture for Thommo who is immediately substituted to a standing ovation. He leaves the pitch to 29,000 people cheering in the Fake Dons bench giving him the large one. I like Thommo but when the red mist comes down, it really comes down…
Game over, job done and as I mentioned before, we’re going to Wem-ber-ley. I look forward to the post game insight from Karl ‘Bullshit’ Robinson, the Fake Dons assistant manager. Was our celebration ok Karl?, did you outplay us again Karl? Winning was all that mattered tonight and we completed the job with something to spare. In truth, one gifted goal aside, the Fake Dons never threatened.
Now we move on to the matter of playing our nearest and dearest rivals in the FA Cup on Saturday. It’s transpired that it could well be their last ever game as the High Court has given them a 7 day extension to find a shedload of clean money in the washing machine which is assuming they’ve paid the electricity bill to operate the washing machine. We could win and go through and bizarrely, we could draw and go through. Forgetting all that and concentrating on the game – I’m worried that our midfield will get overrun as that’s where Pompey’s strength is and we’re weak there. Hammond is of course, not up to full speed yet and for me, Schneiderlin is just not effective enough. Personally I’d play three in the centre – Hammond, James and Lallana breaking forward to support Sir Rickie. I’m not the manager though and for that we should be grateful….
For us Saints fans, it’s all set up to be a beautiful weekend and all we can do is hope Pards and the team can deliver. To echo the programme notes of the late great Alan Ball, get home safely…
Ha ha, probably your best posting so far! Onwards and upwards ;-)
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your own problems, with any luck (and i wish you only the best of that) it'll be one door opening as another closes. I hope you'll be able to continue this blog for the remainder of the season and beyond.
ReplyDeleteIt's always a great read, never fails to make me laugh and it's become part of my routine now to read it, so i would really miss it if it weren't here.
It's Saturday - one hour to kick off - I have the sofa pulled away from the wall and have dropped cushions and cans down there. I am mentaly prepared for any result as long as it involves us realy giving it a go.
COYS !!