Premier League Match 20 - Southampton 1 Crystal Palace 1

One of These Players Has Just Fucked Up

Just two days after our last game we have Crystal Palace at home. Palace are the sort side that we usually struggle to beat. They are quite limited but very physical and we usually get bullied out of it against them. Individually, some of their players don’t look that great and they have a few injury problems at the moment but collectively, they are a decent unit. Also, when he’s not getting sent off like he did here last year, they have Wilfried Zaha as their X-factor player. Whenever he is missing they struggle to get any results and despite stating during the summer that he wanted to leave, he is still there and still comfortably their best player.

As already mentioned, he got himself sent off last year by being a petulant little twat in the face of some extreme shithousing by JWP, followed by applauding the referee when he got booked. It will be interesting to see if that gets remembered today. I am sure that it will. Palace always bring a large and vocal away following so it should be a decent atmosphere today.

There of course, hasn’t been much time since the Chelsea game so all that’s been left to do is to speculate about the makeup of our team. Danny Ings will obviously come back in having been rested against Chelsea and Ralph dropped into the press conference that Obafemi can’t play two games in three days so expect that to be a straight swap. In the event, Stuart Armstrong was also left on the bench due to only having just recovered from injury and Sofiane Boufal was given a rare start which gave us a very attacking look with him on one wing and Redmond on the other. Moussa Djenepo also made it back as far as the bench but there was not recognized forward option with Shane Long and Obafemi missing altogether.  Since the Chelsea game, Mason Mount seems to have forgotten his Twitter password as he hasn't posted anything.  Maybe change your password to "Skat3Ba5tard" Mason.

It’s a flow-free start to the game with tackles flying in and very little quality.  The good news is that we are getting stuck in and the Palace fans are giving it to JWP every time he gets the ball.  Embarrassing really. Palace are the first to play any decent football and then we had a visit from Mr. VAR.  Milovojevic threaded a ball through to Zaha on the left and my first instinct was that he was miles offside.  Anyway, he turns Cedric arsehole-outwards and fires it across to where our defenders are all marking space but space has never scored a goal in its life and unmarked players usually do… and Max Meyer converts easily.  We’re all looking at each other in the crowd and it’s odd because it suddenly dawns on me that if it was offside then it’s not going to stand.  To Stockley Park it goes and it’s offside.  It’s amusing because Bertrand and Bednarek both wave at the linesman for missing it but then the freeze-frame flashes up on the screen.  Fucking hell that’s close so maybe digging out the lino is a bit harsh.

So, still 0-0 and we haven’t gone behind yet.  More Palace attacks and one breaks down and Boufal is away up the middle until Milovojevic just takes him out and then screams in the face of the referee.  Fuck knows why – clear foul and deserved booking.  His partner in midfield is McArthur who on 35 minutes, drags back Redmond for another clear free-kick and he also screams at the referee’s face.  Neither the foul or the dissent bring a booking from Andy Madley, who is on the Premier League referee’s list for the first time this season.  From the free-kick, JWP bends it in between keeper and defenders and no one really attacks it until Bednarek meets it beyond the back post and shins it over the bar.

The last ten before half time are pretty uneventful and so far so good and 0-0 and an appreciative round of applause as the players go off.  It’s actually been strangely enjoyable which is either because we’ve not buckled and we’re used to being out of games at home by now.

On the hour mark, Redmond is penalised for a foul on McArthur about 25 yards out and up steps Milovojevic to clip it in and Tomkins loses Stephens and powers an excellent header right into the top corner giving McCarthy no chance at all.  Shit.  Good header though.

The goal is the trigger for Ralph to get the subs on with Djenepo coming on for the hard-working but zero goal threat Adams and soon after, Armstrong is on for Boufal who has faded in the second half.

There are 15 to go and to be honest, Saints haven’t really looked like equalizing and Palace seen quite comfortable.  Maybe too confident.  They’d had a go at getting dispossessed near their own goal in the first half but just about got away with it but this time, some fancy passing ends when Kelly plays an absolute shocker of a pass behind last man Tomkins and straight to Danny Ings.  Only one place this is ending up mate, 1-1, easy as you like.

From looking like a 0-1 shit capitulation, it’s not our game to win as Palace seem to settle for just holding on.  Kelly is now having a nightmare because not only has he given the goal away, we are getting the ball out to Djenepo at every opportunity.  After a 60-yard JWP ping, Moussa sits Kelly on his arse before cutting in and hammering a shot that Guaita gets up and tips over the bar.  Just a bit too central.

Another Djenepo cross after a Bednarek burst forward sees Ings flick a header over before his next run wins a corner and JWP’s delivery is flicked goalwards by Ings but Guaita reacts brilliantly again to keep it out.  Bastard.  Palace have clearly had enough of Djenepo and McArsehole just takes him out – no attempt to play the ball and just taking his leg out.  Fans from League 1 days know this as a Paul Wotton special.  Fucking horrible foul to be honest which should be a red card but somehow, despite being at it all game, this is McArthur’s first yellow card.  It would be poetic justice if JWP scored but though he gets his free-kick on target, it’s not high enough and Guaita pulls off a save for the cameras.

McArthur hacks Djenepo over - Ball Very Close 

There is one final chance as Djenepo again causes havoc down the left and finds Redmond and he should shot but instead, he tries to find Ings but plays it behind him and it hits a retreating Milovojevic and goes just wide.  Corner – cleared and that’s about it.  Full time.

At the end of the day, we have to be happy with that. We could well have won it in the last 10 minutes but for their goalkeeper but equally, if we hadn’t have been gifted the goal then we would probably have lost 1-0 and it would have been doom and gloom again. What I liked is that we proved again that we are now a difficult team to play against. Palace usually have too much physicality for us but today we matched them and we got stuck in which is why the game became fractious in the first half in particular because they didn’t like it.  MacArthur and Milovjevic are two players I usually quite like but they were dicks today, getting extremely rattled and both could have been sent off if we’d had a better referee than Andy Madley.  Is he any relation to that utter arsehole Bobby Madley? – oh he is, it’s his older brother.

In terms of attitude, the team was led by JWP who was getting a lot of stick for the Palace fans for basically, Zaha being a fucking twat last season. JWP never stopped working and put in another very high-quality performance. Danny Ings once again looked our main goal threat so for Kelly to pick him out with that shit pass across the back four was quite something. He was never going to miss it.  The anticipation from Ings is the thing to watch from the goal.  He’s on the move as soon as Kelly kicks it, before he can know that he’s going to fuck it up and this is the difference between Ings and all our other strikers.  As was the case with Armstrong against Chelsea on Boxing Day – you don’t have to be the quickest if you have football intelligence and can see the picture.

Tomkins goal aside, the physicality and the defending was pretty good with Jack Stephens leading the way, ably supported by Bednarek and I have to put in a word for the defensive effort of Cedric who relished getting stuck into Zaha even though at times, Zaha made him look like a bit of an idiot. To be fair, Zaha makes most players look like idiots, including himself.  On the wings, Boufal had a decent first half before feeling the pace and having to go off in the second but Djenepo was electric when he came on and was unlucky not to score the winner. Guaita’s performance in the last 15 minutes was all that came between us and what would have been a slightly undeserved win.  VAR – yes, Zaha was offside but fucking hell.  It’s getting ridiculous now but at least it was part of his boot and not his armpit.

Fucking Miles Off

Palace are an extremely hard-working, dogged side who are difficult to play against and they have Zaha of course who is the difference-maker. Our plan to deal with him was to get three players around him every time he had the ball and in the main, we handled him quite well. This, of course, should leave more space for everybody else but luckily, Palace don’t really have that much else apart from him. The Palace midfield in particular doesn’t give any ground with Milovojevic, McCarthy and McArthur are all getting stuck in at various times. There were a lot of fouls today and the worst of which was McArthur cynically hacking down Djenepo nowhere near the ball. For me this is the sort of challenge that should result in a red card because he hasn’t just tripped him or tugged him back -  he’s completely hacked his leg away and wiped him. It was a shame that JWP couldn’t stick that free-kick in the top corner. Mind you, Guaita was having the kind of game where he probably would’ve saved the fucking thing anyway.

Seven points out of nine over Christmas is more than anyone could’ve hoped for so we must be happy with that and we have a chance to make it 10 when we take on Spurs on New Year’s Day. Spurs are very up-and-down at the moment but with Mourinho in charge, there is no way that this is going to be anything but a very difficult game but at least we know that with Saints in their current mood, we will be a very difficult team to beat and not just be whipping boys to Mr. Mourinho and his new side.  There's nothing better than a whining Jose Mourinho - bring it on.

Premier League Match 19 - Chelsea 0 Southampton 2

Ridiculous Confidence, Ridiculous Goal.

It seems like we’ve been thrashed every time we played Chelsea recently so the Boxing Day that game at Stamford Bridge doesn’t really offer a great deal of hope of getting any more points. This is especially the case when you consider that we are playing Crystal Palace at home in two days time and even though our away form is better than our home form and the fact that Chelsea have lost a couple of dodgy games at home recently, the Palace game is going to be seen as our best chance of getting points out of these two games. Consequently, I would be surprised if Danny Ings isn’t playing today and the news from mid-week was that Shane Long was carrying a knock as well.

Chelsea have had a very strange season and at times have looked absolutely brilliant but they have shown an Achilles heel when teams defend deep against them as they seem to have very little idea of how to break them down. This is almost certainly how we will try and approach today’s game so let’s hope that they don’t find any answers. It can’t be denied though that Frank Lampard has done well with the players at his disposal. He wasn’t able to sign anybody in the summer, if you conveniently ignore, Kovacic for £40 million and Pulisic finally arriving having cost over £50 million in the middle of last season. Lampard has blooded the likes of Tammy Abraham, Fikayo Tomori, Reece James, Callum Hudson-Odoi, and horrible little skate bastard, Mason Mount. Tammy Abraham is the top goalscorer this season but just recently he’s began go off the boil a little bit.  If Abraham plays then it means that Giroud doesn’t so that’s fine with me.

The win against Villa certainly seems to have put a spring in the step of Ralph Hasenhuttl and he now has the air of a man totally at ease with what he is doing which wasn’t always the case earlier on in the season.  He knows it’s going to be a tough game but he exudes quiet confidence so it will be interesting to see how much rotation there is in the squad.  The team news lands and as I expected, Danny Ings is on the bench and with Long not being fit, both Michael Obafemi and Che Adams are in the starting 11. The rest of the team is exactly how you would expect it to be with Stuart Armstrong on the right-hand side. Chelsea have somewhat surprisingly gone with three central defenders with it having been the bedrock of a very impressive win away at Tottenham a few days ago. Somehow, I don’t think we carry the same attacking threat as Tottenham do.  Mason Mount has been left on the bench so we’ll have to wait to tell the Skate Bastard how much we like him.

An even start but we put ourselves under pressure when Hojbjerg produces his now regular ‘shite ball’ in the first few minutes to Hudson-Odoi who hits it and Bednarek gets the block in to deflect it for a corner.  We don’t mark to well when it comes over and Tomori’s free header is straight at McCarthy.

We settle well into the game, defending in numbers and trying to quickly play through Chelsea when we win the ball.  On the half-hour, Hudson-Odoi is dispossessed by Stephens and Armstrong is away on the right.  A ball inside to Hojbjerg who gets it right and finds Obafemi, who has hardly touched the ball up til now but Tomori dives in and misses it, completely selling himself and Zouma backs off and the youngster drifts into the centre, ignores Adams waiting for a pass and pings one left-footed, past Kepa and nestling into the top corner.  Fuck me, what a ridiculous goal.  Irish jig celebration as well.

Twenty minutes are gone and we start shithousing, taking an age over throw-ins and free kicks, etc.  Cue much anger from Chelsea fanboys who of course, probably grew up watching Mourinho park the bus.  Fuck off.  The referee seems to get caught up in it though and our Shithouser in Chief, Ryan Bertrand, picks up a booking on 29 minutes for timewasting.

Chelsea are exerting some pressure but don’t have a clue what to do when they get to the edge of the area. There is one minor alarm when Willian’s corner is inadvertently flicked on by Armstrong’s magnificent hair and McCarthy takes off and pushes it away even though it was going wide anyway. Half time and Frank doesn’t look happy.  They’ve done nothing to be fair and Chelsea managers get sacked for less than 45 minutes without winning.  Saints have just got to do more of the same but no doubt the second half will be more difficult.  The tactics of defending narrow and just letting Azpilicueta and Emerson cross aimless shit into the box is working so far.

Oh, looky here…. It’s the little Skate twat.  Please don’t let him change the game Saints…. and he  immediately makes a difference, wriggling into the box and picking out Abraham who shoots into the side netting. Abraham always looks like he’s about to cry whenever he misses a chance.

Cheer Up Tammy!

If anyone was worried that we were just going to sit on the lead they these fears were banished when a Hojbjerg ball was beautifully dummied by Obafemi to send Redmond away on the left.  Rudiger ambles over and Redders leaves him for dead before driving to the line and picking out Adams at the back post.  It’s going to be his first goal for Saints until the sliding and desperate Tomori gets a toe to it and just deflects it.  Adams has the “I’m never going to score another goal in my life” look on his face.

Another quick break and via Bertrand and Adams, Redmond is away again down the left-hand side and though his attempted cross is just a bit too far in front of Hojbjerg and runs for a goal kick, it again it illustrates how good we are on the break when we play directly and at pace.

Anything good from Chelsea is coming from a little Skate Bastard and he wins a corner off of Cedric who for once is actually getting close enough to his player to block crosses and put tackles in. We switch off a bit at the corner there and Hudson-Odoi takes aim from the edge of the box and curls it just over the bar with McCarthy not remotely worried.

It now gets to the territory of saying that we should have put this to bed by now and Armstrong works it brilliantly out from the right-back position, past a couple of players and finds Redmond who gives and goes and Armstrong puts Redmond away and he's clean through but he shoots lamely at Kepa and Redders known he really shouldn’t have given the keeper any chance there.

Ings is on for Obafemi on 70 and goes into a kind of No.10 role leaving Adams up front on his own.  The guy might not be able to score but he’s working so hard (sounds familiar!) and the hard work from him and the rest of the boys pays off when Saints start playing Barcelona football in the Chelsea half and it’s fucking marvellous because they can’t get near us as we come from the left, and via JWP, work it back to the defenders, with Stephens goes on the little run and finding Armstrong.  The 1-2 king flicks the ball to Ings who backheels it back to him and Armstrong bursts forward and into the middle and chips over the last defender and Redmond gets in before Kepa to knock it into the net.  Brilliant team goal and totally deserved.  We’ve been so much better than them it is quite ridiculous. Kepa looks like he’s about to cry. He looks about 12.

Romeu is on to give us practice at defending free-kicks and one he gives away on the edge of the box is taken by the Skate but it’s straight down McCarthy‘s throat and he just shovelled it over the bar as easy as you like.  There’s a couple of routine balls into the mixer as those in blue flood out of the stadium into the Boxing Day night and McCarthy catches them with ease, flattening Bednarek in the process which gives us a chance to do some more shithouse time-wasting.  It’s great.  Final whistle.

Get in. I fucking love it. There is nothing better than playing on the away ground against one of the big six and beating them and in this case, not only beating them but absolutely dicking them. They could not have complained if we had won 4-0. A comfortable clean sheet combined with having virtually all of the decent chances. I have absolutely nothing to complain about as they were all brilliant, even Cedric... and I don’t say that lightly.

Going through the team, McCarthy was just calm excellence and whenever he got called upon he did everything with a minimum of fuss.  The was one minor stop-go-no man's land moment which led to nothing but otherwise faultless. The back four defended brilliantly as a unit with Cedric and Bertrand tucking in to make a narrow four around the width of the penalty area and this was made possible by the hard work of Armstrong and Redmond to drop in and almost make it a back six at times. Chelsea had absolutely no idea how to play against us which is why they created next to nothing. Whilst the fullbacks did the jobs well, the central defenders were just superb, not giving Tammy Abraham a sniff apart from once right at the start of the second half when we were still getting used to Chelsea‘s new shape. West Ham game aside, Jack Stephens has been an absolute revelation since he came back into the side and Jan Bednarek is now getting back the consistency that he had at the tail end of last season.

The midfield two of Hojbjerg and JWP were absolutely everywhere forming a very effective shield in front of the defenders but also breaking forward with purpose. The amount of ground that JWP covers is absolutely ridiculous and it shows that he must’ve spent a hell of a lot of time working on his fitness and stamina because there is no way he could have done that a couple of years ago.  Redmond’s goal will hopefully get him playing with a bit more confidence from now on and he was much better today.  He clearly fancied himself against Azpilicueta and that belief showed.  The man of the match was on the other wing though as Armstrong showed that as a wide midfield player, you don’t have to be the quickest or have the most tricks, you just have to be a really intelligent footballer who chooses the right options all the time and of course, you have to have great hair.  Saints have been static going forward so often this season but Armstrong today gave a lesson in pass and move.  Just watch his contribution to the second goal - draws a defender, passes to Ings, runs into space, picks up the return ball which has bypassed a second defender.  Simple.

Look at that Magnificent Hair.

Upfront, Adams and Obafemi worked incredibly hard to try and make anything out the possession that they had with Obafemi’s goal being a tribute to the ridiculous amount of confidence that this guy plays with. The game will have done Che Adams a lot of good because he played the Shane Long role really well, working incredibly hard for the team.  The goals will come if he keeps working hard.

Ralph, of course, got everything spot-on which is becoming the norm again. He did a really good interview after the game where he admitted that he had lost his way a little bit around the time we lost 9-0. It takes a big man to admit that and you won’t get many managers admitting they have made mistakes. He certainly seems to have got his mojo back which can only be a good thing and again we should thank the board for sticking with him because many wouldn’t have done.  He also made mention of the fact that we only have one left-back and one fit right back which was no doubt a nudge to the board, if they needed one, with January approaching.

Mason Mount.  Now, of course, he gave it the ‘all ears’ celebration when he scored at St Mary’s so let’s remember that and wonder which he enjoyed most out of today’s defeat and us smashing his beloved Skates 4-0 in their own back yard.  Have it you little twat.

Didn't Enjoy This One As Much Did You?  You Little Twat.

At the halfway stage in the league which is where we are now, we have shot up to 14th in the table going above West Ham, Bournemouth and Brighton. I have to admit that a few weeks ago I didn’t think we’d be above any of those sides so to be there now is decent but we have to make sure we don’t drop back.

In two days it’s Crystal Palace at home as mentioned earlier. Palace is a side that is usually very tricky to play against for us and will certainly put to the test our one main problem that we have because they will sit deep and try and soak up pressure and we have to find a way around that which we always struggle to do.  Patience will be key for players and fans.  That’s for Saturday though - for now, enjoy this fantastic Boxing Day win when we put the aristocrats of Chelsea firmly in their place… and we did it by resting our best striker.  Ralph obviously looked at the opposition and decided that we didn’t need him.

It was fucking brilliant.

Premier League Match 18 - Aston Villa 1 Southampton 3

Put it There Partner

It’s another one of those six-pointer things as we travel to Villa Park to play Aston Villa. This is a trip to one of the great old football stadiums, one of the traditional ones and one of the cool things about it is that you know that Villa are never ever going to move ground.

Villa got promoted last season and splashed a lot of money at the start of the year including taking Matt Targett from ourselves for a fee of anything between £14 and £17 million depending on what you read. His departure and what has happened subsequently illustrates a major flaw in our sell to buy policy. We needed money to sign Djenepo, Even though we already had two left-wingers and so we funded that by selling a left-back and leaving ourselves short there with Jake Vokins not being ready for first-team action yet.

Villa also spent big on Tyrone Mings as he was the number one target from the promotion season and despite Villa’s struggles near the bottom of the league, Mings has become an England player, with a more the decent chance of being first choice by the time the European Championships come around in the summer. Mings is another example of Saints doing something slightly questionable with regarding getting rid of players as we apparently released him for being too small and he now stands at 6’5.

Villa manager Dean Smith has got the club playing and okay-ish brand of football but they haven’t at the results to go with it with just one league win since October. They do have some good players though, notably Jack Grealish when he decides to stand up, Conor Hourihane and John McGinn.  Grealish will be in the conversation for the England squad in the summer, competing against the likes of Dele Alli, James Maddison, Mason Mount and Ross Barkley for a place… oh… and Jesse Lingard.

Like ourselves with Che Adams, Villa were really hoping the new striker, in their case, Wesley, was going to hit the ground running but that hasn’t been the case.  It should be obvious by now that there are no good footballers called Wesley.

The first noises are starting to made about the upcoming transfer window and it’s a bit of a case of Groundhog Day as we hear phrases like the ubiquitous “sell to buy“ and we are linked with a few players who we were linked with in the last couple of transfer windows like to write back Joakim Mahler. It’s not surprising we are all linked with players who we were linked with before because basically, we haven’t got anyone in the recruitment role to add any new names to it so we will probably be working from an old list. Will we pay the money in January to sign anyone who will make a difference? Somehow I’d be surprised unless Chairman Gao is seriously concerned about his investment going down the shitter.

Today we are coming up against a team in Villa who are not the best at the back so with it being Villa and us having an ex Birmingham striker who desperately needs a goal in our ranks, I’d like to see Che Adams given a half-decent amount of minutes today. The media are suggesting that we are about to let him go out on-loan to a Championship club which I really can’t see. The only way I could really see him leaving is if he is homesick for North/Midlands and the club is willing to pay us what we signed him for.  Even if this was the case, the chances of us signing a striker in January for around £15 million mark who would make a difference to our season is practically zero.

Decent football from Saints from the start as we try and impose themselves and Shane Long wins a free kick when Douglas Luiz clipped his ankles accidentally on purpose. The free-kick is delivered and cleared and a Villa defender decides to handball it rather than head it’s given us a free kick in JWP territory. Over the wall but straight into the midriff of the goalkeeper.  Villa break and McGinn gets binned fairly by Bednarek and the ball eventually finds its way out to Cedric and McGinn is running around like a twat and throws himself into a challenge and comes off worse and turns his ankle.  Dean Smith brings on the ridiculously named Marvelous Makamba. Marvelous is a great name until you have a shit game.  Rumour has it he has a brother who is a shit footballer.  His parents called him Cedric Makamba.

A bit of danger as Targett puts in a low cross from the left which is a bit of a scuffer behind everybody but El Ghazi retrieves it turns and blast it against McCarthy has made himself big. It’s the first time Villa I’ve got anywhere near our goal and to be honest they don’t look particularly good.

When are playing some decent stuff on the left-hand side with Bertrand whipping in a couple of really dangerous crosses the second of which is marginally too high for Shane Long who heads over the bar from virtually in front of the goal.  It certainly should have been a goal but we are finding encouraging space behind their full-backs.

Villa are trying to go long to Wesley but there is no point as there are no good footballers called Wesley.  Bednarek heads down one suck long ball and Redmond hooks on first time over the defender at right-back and Shane Long is in. A typical Shane touch off his knee and he’s through, cutting across towards Heaton who saves his effort but who’s there to knock in the rebound, yep Danny Ings, King of the Scummers, 1-0.

The bost it gives us is huge. Out of nowhere Jack Stephens turns into Cafu and starts playing 1-2’s down the line before bursting past the last defender in the penalty area and pulling it back for Shane Long to try some sort of wanky flick and we win a corner from it.  Imagine for a second that we’d scored from a Stephens mazy run down the wing and a Shane Long freestyle move….. and we’re back in the room.  We do try a flashy set piece move which involves Bertrand trying to find Ings on the edge of the box with a low pass after a short corner of been returned to him but unfortunately, it’s back to the Dave Watson set-piece masterclass drawing board on Monday at training.

Our delivery from wide has stepped up a notch with Bertrand from the left, then Redmond from the right and then Bertrand again from the left firing over crosses which would have had a Rickie Lambert hat-trick in 30 seconds.  Long meets the last one of these crosses but the header doesn’t have enough on it and Heaton gratefully falls on it.

Half an hour gone and we win another corner after another brute of a cross from Bertrand, this time on the left-hand side and this time thankfully we just go for the basics which is JWP whipping it across and Jack Cafu Stephens getting in front of his marker and flicking a header superbly past Heaton to make it 2-0. Fucking hell, what is going on here?

Grealish is the main threat for Villa as he manages to pick up the ball virtually every time they go forward. He is a little twat of course and it is very easy to see why he is the most fouled player in the league. His style of play contributes to that but also the fact that he looks and acts like a little twat. Dropping ever deeper, Grealish picks up the ball in the left-back position and Shane Long clatters him which causes a particular petulant reaction by the shit haircutted one.  It’s in keeping with our recent policy change of how to deal with the opposition's best player.

Villa do manage to get forward down the right-hand side and El Ghazi gets over a great cross on the run and it’s heading straight for the massive unit that is Wesley but there are no good Wesley’s but there is Jack Stephens to get in front of him and do enough to put the big man off. This is a very un-Stephens thing to do but following last weeks blip, he does seem to be getting back to the recently improved form.

The rest of the first half is relatively comfortable with just a Guilbert potshot to cause any concern but McCarthy was stood in exactly the right place to shovel it over the bar. Half time and I can’t believe it but comfortably winning two-nil.  The next goal is crucial though and you have to expect an improved Villa in the second half so we have to start it well and not give them a sniff.

Cedric didn’t get the memo though because the first thing he does is put us under pressure by ducking under a header and then he compounds at the next time the ball goes near him by instead of clearing it for a throw-in, he falls over the fucking ball and gives away a corner that we get away with.

Scare over and we start playing the ball around very nicely on the right and Hojbjerg drills a flat one to the left to Redmond and his pass into the middle goes straight to Marvelous Makamba who plays a marvellous through ball off his shin and the marvellous Danny Ings spins marvellously before marvellously smashing the ball marvellously into the top corner of the net past Heaton. Absolutely marvellous.

Increasingly desperate Villa see another change disappear as the game stops for a VAR check as it hit Stephens on the arm in the penalty area but the referee has not given it and therefore we get away with it because it is not deemed as a howler. Villa make their next change with Jonathan Kodjia coming on in place of Hourihane.

Villa get possession and a decent area when Cedric gives us the shittiest of shit passes straight to them. We survive and talking of ropey full-backs, Matt Targett is going on a fouling spree with two in quick succession against Armstrong - one off the ball the referee really should’ve booked in for and then a second one in plain sight which the referee didn’t book him for either.

We get a free kick in the midfield after Grealish takes out JWP in the air. Stephens drills the free-kick diagonally and Shane gets up and flicks it onto Redmond who takes on the full-back and then rips it into the side netting. Disappointing finish from the man who just needs to get his head up a bit sooner.

Villa really haven’t got much going forward. They win the odd corner and from one of them the giant Wesley gets up and …. Once again proves that there are no good footballers called Wesley by heading over the bar in really shit fashion.

We are causing so many problems on the break with Shane Long brilliantly working to win the ball back and find Armstrong who sends Ings away down the left and the King of the Scummers heads straight for the goal before running across El Ghazi and clattering to the deck to give us another free-kick in prime JWP territory. This time though, similar to last time, it doesn’t get it high enough and it goes straight into Heaton’s midriff.

Jack Grealish is being a massive cock taking out players off the ball with his latest victim being Ryan Bertrand who he grabs around the neck. The fucking little haircut really needs a good slap.  He’s such a good player though.  Villa win a corner on the right-hand side which gets cleared to the edge of the box and then Grealish demonstrates the other side of his game by scoring a goal reminiscent of the one Joe Cole scored for England against Sweden by taking the ball down on the edge of the box and then creaming it over everybody into the far corner giving McCarthy absolutely no chance. Fucking little wanker. There is a pointless VAR check going on and while this is happening, Romeu comes on for the excellent Armstrong.

And here they come again to give us heart attacks for the next 10 minutes as they win a free-kick on the edge of the box when Wesley, who is very similar in the way he plays to a fucking great oak tree goes full ‘timberrrrrrrrr’ on the edge of the box under the slightest touch from Bednarek.  After the haircut has tapped the ball to Trezeguet, Romeo is out of the wall like a lunatic and throwing himself in front of the ball. I’m not worried about throwing this away though because we are not panicking and we are still playing some composed decent football when we get on the ball.

Villa do win another free-kick as Romeu takes offence at Grealish’s hair and this time Trezeguet smashes it straight to McCarthy who saves with no fuss and then another corner which McCarthy catches easily. Long is off for Obafemi as we approach the last five minutes.  It is all Villa but they lose the ball when Grealish has a dive and doesn’t get the freekick.  Hojbjerg advances finding Ings and he should have his hat-trick but Heaton saves and the rebound falls to Hojbjerg with an open goal but he’s clearly knackered and he sticks over the bar in pathetic fashion.  Ings replaced by Adams as Ralph trolls the Holte End for 3 minutes.

Nothing much happens until the 93rd minute when Grealish decides to take another pot shot which to be fair is another brilliant effort but McCarthy reacts well to put it over the bar.

Best performance of the season without a shadow of a doubt. We were on it from the first whistle and aside from Grealish’s brilliant goal, we really kept going for the whole 95 minutes for probably the first time this season, we looked like a proper solid team which carried a threat going forward as well as being tight at the back and this is such a huge improvement from what we have seen in relatively recent weeks. If only we could do this at home.

For me, one of the main objectives today was to discover if there was a third team who I felt that we could genuinely finish above this season and we certainly found that. Villa were incredibly average and played with a ridiculous naïveté whereby one pass out of our defence would take out about five of their players and we really should’ve scored more than we did.

There are so many positives to talk about that I don’t know where to start but I will start with the main man Danny Ings, the King of the Scummers who has just rattled in his 10th and 11th Premier League goal of the season.  The man is magnificent at the moment being Johnny on the spot for the first goal and finishing his second goal absolutely brilliantly. His partner in crime is of course Shane Long whose finishing is a crime but other than that he again was absolutely superb.

The startling difference from last week was in the defence. Whereas last week, Bednarek and Stephens were terrified every time the big guy up front got the ball, this week they were all over Wesley and were undoubtedly helped by the fact that Wesley has the mobility of an oak tree and the first touch of a trampoline. Again, I’m struggling to think of any decent footballer called Wesley. Our two guys got stuck right in though with Stephens in particular, being much better in the physical exchanges and not being afraid to stick his head in where he could’ve got hurt. The highlight of the game for me was when Stephens was possessed by the spirit of Cafu down the right-wing but also his reaction to when he did make a couple of small mistakes. He was visibly beating himself up over it as if willing himself to concentrate more. That my friends, is taking ownership of your failings and until you do that, you can never improve.

On the left we had England international standard Ryan Bertrand rather than the slightly half-arsed journeyman which we have seen on occasions this season. Going forward he was absolutely brilliant with three or four absolutely superb crosses into dangerous areas that we should have made more of.

Stuart Armstrong certainly adds something to the midfield. There was a really good balance with him in there alongside JWP and Hojbjerg who were both magnificent (if we forget about Pierre’s finishing for a second) and Redmond showed signs of life, having a major hand in the first goal. Hopefully this guy will help him find his way back to full confidence that there are still times when he still held onto the ball too long.

We still had one weak link of course but the January transfer window is nearly upon us and hopefully someone somewhere has a huge list of right-backs.

It was a big win for Ralph which justified his original selection and method of playing. We were more or less at full throttle for the whole game and our energy and desire to get on the front foot was the main reason why we won this game. We did to Villa what West Ham did to us last week.

So, out of the bottom three we go to be replaced by Aston Villa and now we know that there are three teams that we have a very decent shout of finishing above this season. We now head into Christmas and two games in three days against Chelsea away and Palace at home. Personally I expect a bit of a mix and match team against Chelsea and today’s line-up against Palace. In my opinion it would be unwise to play Danny Ings in both of these games regardless of his red-hot form at the moment so there should be a chance for the likes of Adams, Boufal and Romeu to come in and hopefully enable us to get some points out of these two games. It’s remarkable how quickly the mood of a fan base can change but this win today is fucking huge and since everyone into Christmas with a feeling of positivity. Just try not to think about Cedric too much.

Wesley Sneijder is a good player called Wesley. But he’s retired now.

Premier League Match 17 - Southampton 0 West Ham 1

Saints Centre Backs Dealing With Antonio Whilst Shitting Pants

Last week we played a team with shit owners in Newcastle United and today we play a team with in my opinion, even worse owners in West Ham United. At least Mike Ashley hasn’t sold the Newcastle ground to anyone yet, merely tried to rebrand it. Gold and Sullivan, the Dildo Brothers, ably assisted by Karen Brady have sold the soul of West Ham United and in its place, put a corporate mega dome simply because it was cheap. One of the main selling points, such as it were, to the West Ham faithful was that this move would lose the iconic Boleyn ground but it would gain a world-class stadium with world-class facilities and they would build a world-class team with all the extra money they would be making. As it stands, Despite us being shit for pretty much the entire season, a win for Saints puts us above West Ham in the table.

At the moment, Manuel Pellegrini is the manager charged with restoring the glory days that they never had to West Ham and so far he has been found to be severely lacking. At the start of the season they were putting in some performances that were 10/10, mixed in with some average ones but recently it has all been 2/10 and they’ve lost a string of games to clubs who they really should be beating, given that they had the pre-season ambition of challenging the top six.  They are however, definitely capable of putting in the odd committed performance like they did recently when they beat Chelsea 1-0 at Stamford Bridge. We have to be trying to make sure that that sort of performance doesn’t happen and the way you do that is by not giving them any opportunity to build up I had a steam from the first whistle to the last. If we start the game well then we will see how much they fancy it and recently, in the main they just haven’t.

Pellegrini is on the edge of the precipice whereby if you get a bad result against Southampton that seems to be that you don’t have a job the next morning. Will he be victim number three. Sadly, we have to hope so. West Ham are one of the few sides that I have a bit of a soft spot for which is based on the fact that they were very old school and they were always entertaining in the 70s and 80s but now, with their current ownership and the way that the whole ground move came about, I find myself hoping that they get relegated because of the way that club has been run since the Dildo Brothers turned up is symbolic of the Premier League wide problem of the soul being ripped out of football by corporate greed.

The current West Ham squad contains Michail Antonio who was on-loan to us once upon a time and we really should’ve signed him. Last year at St Mary’s it was Felipe Anderson who put in a world class performance as they walked away with three points. This year they have Sebastian Haller upfront who Saints were linked with once upon a time and like the team, he started the season really well but has tailed off massively in the last couple of months and has been a substitute the last few games. The tail off in performances coincided with Lucas Fabianski being injured and they had a goalkeeper called Roberto for about six weeks and he was absolutely fucking useless but he’s now been replaced with David Martin, who to put it politely, is a bit of a goalkeeper journey man who hasn’t really played much for anyone at a decent level but the interesting thing about him is that he is the son of West Ham legend Alvin Martin.

Our line up is a case of ‘as you were’ with the only bummer being that Boufal is not even on the bench.  As the game is about to start, I look at the West Ham line-up in the pitch and I have to say, I have a bit of a sinking feeling.  Antonio is right up front with Haller, meaning that it’s two big, robust centre forwards and we struggle to deal with one.  Noble is in midfield in case the referee needs any help refereeing and he’s helped by Declan Rice and Snodgrass (arsehole but a good player) who is on the right.  They look exactly the kind of side that we will struggle against.  Still, I’ll try to put that out of my mind as the game starts.

Our fast start is anything but – we are virtually in reverse.  The Hammers have the ball in the net on 2 mintes when they win a free kick on the left and the cross is headed in by Rice as easily as you like.  The flag is mercifully up so we get away with it without the need for a VAR check and I wonder how many of the players knew he was offside before they decided to leave him totally unmarked.

On the back foot, second to every challenge and second to every second ball.  West Ham players are stepping towards the ball and we are stepping away from it.  Get into them for fucks sake.  It’s not very scientific from West Ham but you can tell it’s going to work.  Ball in the air, Antonio wins it against Bednarek… ball in the air, Haller wins it against Stephens… ball in the air… bounces… Saints defenders just look at it as Antonio picks up the ball unchallenged.

We are chasing shadows as Snodgrass finds Antonio and his cross is met by Fornals but his effort screws wide.  Bertrand then dawdles in possession and loses the ball to Snodgrass and West Ham work it out to their left.  It’s a bit of a shocker that Cedric doesn’t stop the cross coming into the box and it’s absolute carnage with bodies everywhere, Bertrand in the thick of it and mass appeals for a penalty.  I can’t tell even though it’s right in front of me but I wouldn’t be surprised given it was Bertrand’s mistake and he probably wanted to make up for it.  VAR says…. No penalty.  Be patient Hammers – it’s coming as sure as death and taxes… just a matter of time.

Saints attacking efforts are barely worth a mention.  Static forwards and midfielders not even managing simple square passes without threatening to give it away.  Some are worse than others with the worst culprits being Redmond and Hojbjerg who clearly have colour blindness gien the amount of times they just give it away.  Redders is having a shocker, usually running with the ball with his head down until he loses it.  

The inevitable happens as Antonio breaks into space on our left and beats Bednarek as easily as Messi would beat Vestergaard.  He cuts it back to Snodgrass and his cross is cushioned down by Fornals and Haller shanks it and gets a bit lucky as it finds the bottom corner.  I can’t even get annoyed about it as it’s so richly deserved.  Bednarek gets beaten and from then on it’s three unmarked players.

We manage to get to half time just the 1-0 down which is a bit of an achievement but we’ve been shit.  Relegation 6-pointer and we haven’t even got near to them.  They’re too big, too fast, too powerful and we are powder puff and barely giving them a game.  Garbage.

Redmond has been put out of his misery at the start of the second half and Romeu is on in his place.  If nothing else at least we’ll compete.  We appear to have gone 4-3-3 with “Slow Boy 3” in midfield and Shane on the right, Moussa on the left.

There is no discernable difference as West Ham look for the second goal which they know will put this to bed.  Another simple ball up to the forwards and an unchallenged header inside and Fornals rockets one at the top corner but Macca takes off and it’s a brilliant save as he tips it over the bar at full stretch.

More shite powder puff defending as Antonio charges and Stephens and Bednarek shite their shorts.  On he bundles and smashes it into the corner of the net.  Great finish…oh and hang on, another VAR check… one replay on the scoreboard proves that he’s actually handled it twice so once more, we have got away with some absolutely rank defending.

Djenepo is strating to make a difference on the left and puts over a cross and Ings produces a bit of skill which is quite out of keeping with the rest of the Saints performance and swivels and smashes a shot over the keeper and onto the bar.  As it bounces down Long is offside but he misses anyway.

It’s Ings or no-one for us as usual as Romeu charges forward and plays Danny in and he goes on and sees this shot beat the keeper but smack against the post.  Interestingly, this one was proved to be onside so it would have counted had it gone in and if my Auntie had a dick she’s be my Uncle.

Another chance goes as Romeu strides forwad again and finds Djenepo.  There’s a bit of a tangle with Fredericks and the ball goes to Rice, Ings nicks it off him and smashes it into the top corner but the ref has blown this time for a foul by Djenepo.  This should have gone to VAR because it barely looked anything and later replays proved that.  Fuck sake.

West Ham are still ridiculously dangerous when they go forward and all they have to do is cross it into the mixer from anywhere.  Antonio puts it over and Haller meets it superbly and heads down and McCarthy produces another ridiculous save to claw it out of the bottom corner.

As Pelligrini decides to protect what he has and bring on defenders and defensive midfielders, Saints get another chance as we build our best move of the match down the right and via Cedric and Armstrong, the ball reaches the skipper on the far side but his finish is in keeping with the rest of his performance.  There is time for one last half shout for a penalty as Adams goes down having taken too long to pull the trigger and that’s it.  Another depressing and totally deserved defeat.

Well that was a semi-decent last 10 minutes. You can’t just turn up and play for 10 minutes and expect to get anything in a Premier League game. That was simply not good enough. Where do you fucking start? Let’s start with the positives. Alex McCarthy was brilliant and without him and VAR of course, we would have been three or four goals behind and completely dead.  McCarthy is the only real reason that we were still in the game at all and the fact that it was only 1-0 is the only reason we put any pressure on their goal at the end of the game because Pellegrini went on the defensive and allowed us to get near their goal. That said, Danny Ings had another decent game being our entire goal threat, being really unlucky with that shot that hit the bar and of course hitting the post when onside/offside and also smashing one in the top corner after he Djenepo foul. Other than that, it is fairly slim pickings when you’re looking for players that did okay. Shane Long did his usual without ever looking like a goal threat and Djenepo had some moments in the second half when he wasn’t diving about ridiculously.

Just Let Him Have It Lads

Firmly in the ridiculously bad category were the central defenders. Jack Stephens recent improvement has been notable but today, old Jack was back. Michael Antonio is the perfect striker to exploit every weakness that Stephens just got. Good in the air, strong and quick. It wasn’t just Stephens today as Bednarek was fucking dreadful and played like he had concrete boots on. Both of them absolutely shat their pants every time Antonio went anywhere near them. Letting the ball bounce and waiting for the opposition striker to pick the ball up - that is fucking scandalous. A few years ago, I was coaching my sons Under-10s team not to let the ball bounce if at all possible. An active team goes towards the ball and wins the challenge. A passive team just sits off and let the other team have it. We were passive and for a team with the ability level that we have got, that is just not good enough.

Options?  Well Danso is nowhere despite being both quick and strong. Yoshida and Vestergaard were our defensive options on the bench and both of those would’ve been completely fucking useless against Antonio and Haller for different reasons.

Cedric wasn’t a complete liability in the first half but in the second half he resorted to type with a collection of aimless crosses into the West Ham box and lightweight defending. Bertrand was ok in the first half when he was playing behind Redmond but in the second half he didn’t get forward at all. In the centre of midfield, JWP and Hojbjerg in particular, were fucking dreadful, continually losing the ball and allowing 47-year-old Mark Noble to stroll through the game. We didn’t win a tackle in there, we didn’t win a header in there and we didn’t win any second balls.  It is an absolute miracle that we only lost 1-0. Nathan Redmond got hauled off at half-time and deservedly so having produced his 2019/20 party pieces which are mainly running aimlessly with the ball until he gets tackled or attempting some ridiculous overambitious ball as a last resort that just loses the ball. He seems to only release the ball as an absolute last resort. There is no clever movement and no 1-2’s to go round a player at speed.  Ings and Long don’t play as a pair up front, frequently static and/or miles apart from each other.

I wasn’t terribly impressed with Ralph’s interview after the game where he talked about the fact that West Ham play long and that stopped us being able to win balls in their half which blunted our attacking play. So that basically means that if every time we play against a team that doesn’t piss around with the ball in defence, we are never going to score. I’ve thought this for a long time and it’s a massive problem that we have absolutely no way of playing through teams when we have possession. There is no clever movement and there is no one to play a defence splitting ball. We started moving for the last 10 minutes but as already said,  just playing for 10 minutes at the end of the game isn’t going to dig you out of the shit that you created for yourself.  Again I question what the fuck we are coaching these guys to do when we have the ball.  Maybe the coaching is shit but just maybe our two ex-goalkeepers and video analyst first team coaches are brilliant and the players are uncoachable… just maybe, we have shit coaches and shit players.

After the two home wins against two worst sides in the division, it was back to usual today with a lacklustre shite performance. We totally deserve to lose and we totally deserve to be where we are in the league. I’d like to be an optimistic about two or three players arriving in January who are going to come into the first team and make a difference but with the way the club is run, I really cannot see it.  Next week’s game against Aston Villa at Villa Park is absolutely huge for the rest of the season. Lose that and we will be in the bottom three going into the Christmas period and I will be surprised if we can find a way out of it.

Today, I watched the game and we were so bad that for the whole of the second half, I was just watching in a kind of coma, not really reacting to anything that was going on. It kind of just happened in front of me. Even when we were knocking on the door in the last 10 minutes, I never had any real anticipation that we were going to get back into it. It just seemed inevitable the either West Ham were going to score again or that we were never going to score. Did the players think that with the seven points that we’ve got recently that they had reached their target for this little period of games? It certainly looked a bit like that. There was no fire, no blood and thunder and on top of all that, there was very little ability on show.

We have to remember that despite the occasional signs of life that we do see, this is one shit squad of players and performances like today are not really a bad substandard performance, they are a normal performance for the standard of players that we have got in the squad at the moment. If we play a team that is not completely dreadful then this is what we get from this group of players. They don’t raise their game or perform above themselves - this is their level. Depressing isn’t it? Happy fucking Christmas.

Premier League Match 16 - Newcastle 2 Southampton 1

Are You Glad I Signed Now?

At the start of the season, Newcastle were being seen as a bit of a joke with fat Mike Ashley still owning the club despite saying he was looking for a buyer for about the 50th time and their best manager of recent years, Rafa Benitez having had enough of the circus and disappearing off to China. When Benitez went, the Ashley camp did put out there that Rafa wanted to bankrupt the club by spending ridiculous money and everyone kind of went “yeah yeah whatever“. The season started with Steve Bruce in charge who to put it politely, has had a chequered managerial record which included being manager of Newcastle’s arch-rivals, Sunderland. There was the capacity for the Geordies to forgive though because Steve Bruce for all his faults, is one of them, a born and bred Geordie.  A dodgy start to the season followed and it was widely thought that Bruce didn’t have a clue what he was doing and Ashley was just asset stripping but then the results started to turn and Newcastle strung a few wins together. It’s remarkable how much bitching about the owners disappears when the team strings few results together. I’m not saying that Steve Bruce is the best manager in the world and I’m certainly not saying that Mike Ashley is the best owner in the world but at the moment, Newcastle are doing alright.

As for Ashley, well he sanctioned punting £40 million on a striker in Joelinton who doesn’t look at £40 million player but he’s done okay… well as ok as a striker can do without scoring any goals. He has also brought in Andy Carroll and the local hero is always a threat, although mainly off the bench. Bruce has rehabilitated Jonjo Shelvey who has loads of talent.  Similar to ourselves in a way, they have some good attacking talent in wide positions and the thought of Saint Maximim running at Cedric today is one that gives me the shits.  Unlike us though, they are pretty solid defensively which is a relic of the Benitez days.  If Saints are going to keep up their inexorable march towards the Champions League places, then we are going to have our work cut out today at a stadium where we never do particularly well.

I’m expecting us to start with the same team that we started with against Norwich. Hopefully Yan Valery will be fit enough to return to the bench and hopefully Sofiane Boufal has not kicked another table. The players who are going to have to perform for us today in particular our Euro 2016 tight shirted boy band Champion Cedric Soares, who is going to have a job of keeping Saint Maximim quiet and also, the central defenders who are going to have to stand up to the physicality of Joelinton and Carroll. This will be an interesting test of Jack Stephens recent improvement. I feel that the two wins that we have had means we can go into this game with no fear and if Pierre and JWP can get a grip in midfield then I see no reason why we can’t get something from this game if everyone else stands up and puts in a decent performance.

So it’s a Sunday 2 o’clock kick-off but the game is not on Sky or BT or anywhere else and no one has been involved in the Europa league on a Thursday night. What happened this week is the Amazon Prime showed all the mid-week games and part of that deal was that a couple of games had to be played on Thursday night which included Newcastle.  No thought given to Southampton fans travelling the entire length of the country.  It’s yet another way that fans who go to matches can be fucked over by ridiculous fixture changes.

Our team is as expected and the only change is on the bench where Danso is replaced with Vestergaard – I assume for when Carroll comes on later in the game.  Don’t see the point myself as Carroll will smash him to bits.

A decent start and we’re controlling matters in midfield and knocking it about nicely.  In addition, when we lose it we’re in Newcastle’s faces and not giving them any time.  It’s all going well and then Saints get presented with a glorious chance to take the lead courtesy of a shit pass across the Newcastle defence which is intercepted by Redmond and his first touch knocks it past the last defender leaving him bearing down on Dubravka in goal. The Redders of last season would it take on this on the skip past the goalkeeper but the Redmond of this year doesn’t even think and just hits it early and it’s too close to Dubravka who gets a foot in the way and deflects it wide. You can’t be missing chances like this and expect to win many games in the Premier League.

From the resulting corner of the ball gets cleared the edge of the box and there is Redmond again with her another opportunity to smash it towards the goal. This time, he absolutely creams it but unfortunately it is too close to Dubravka who parries it away.

That’s more or less it for the rest of the first half but we’re the better side by quite a long way as Newcsastle haven’t had a sniff.  Any dominance is rendered kind of pointless though with the score being 0-0.

Second half and we are still better side without really looking like scoring and then the Newcastle defence gifts another chance as Stephens long ball out of defence is left by Dummett, the Newcastle centre back and Ings is away and unlike Redmond in the first half, you absolutely know he is going to score as he takes a touch wide to open up the angle and rolls it past the keeper into the net. Five goals in five for the main man and it’s all on record but I said at the start of the season that he is our best striker by a mile.

There is a potential game changing substitution when Bruce takes off Joelinton who to be fair, has not done very much and has been quite easily handled by our central defenders. On comes Andy Carroll or as we call him, Andy the Bastard. Newcastle immediately start playing the ball longer and we have to compete against him and it’s not pretty and immediately, Newcastle are having more possession in our half by picking up the second balls.

From one such long ball, the ball goes towards Cedric and he allows the ball to bounce high before trying some sort of wanky hitch kick to try and clear the ball and he succeeds in booting Almiron in the head. The free-kick is crossed in by Shelvey and headed away to the left back area where Andy the Bastard runs and retrieves it, is allowed to switch it on to his good left foot any pings over a superb cross which Shelvey meets about 7 yards out and bullets the head past McCarthy who has absolutely no chance. Shelvey looked suspiciously unmarked on first viewing and when you see the replay, it’s evident that the two players in the wall just completely switched off and allowed fucking Voldemort to wander into the box.

Up the other end we go in a corner on the right hand side. JWP swings it in and Shane Long, like he did last week flicks the ball across goal but it flies too fast for Bertrand who doesn’t quite anticipate it and the ball skims is off his head and flies over the bar from right in front of the open goal.  Again, we really have to score there.

And so it comes to pass with three minutes to go to having been the better side throughout, we do our usual. A long ball is launched towards the Bastard and Bednarek and Hojbjerg obviously don’t communicate with each other and neither of them heads the ball and a great distance. Eventually is worked out the left and then back to Shaun Longstaff who hits one from 25 yards and McCarthy makes a bit of a bollocks of it and pushes it sideways to wear Fernandez has a tap in. There are four Newcastle players following in the shot and precisely zero defenders doing anything. For fucks sake.

We have about 10 minutes to get back into it but our bolt is well and truly shot and to be honest we don’t even look like scoring a goal. Danny Ings is replaced with Che Adams which really isn’t going to achieve anything and so we fall to a rather depressing defeat and our unbeaten run stops at three.

Fuck it. On the balance of play we deserve more out of the game but in the key moments at both ends of the pitch, which are the areas that matter most, we coughed it up again. Bad misses of very good chances by Redmond and Bertrand in particular and a lack of discipline when defending on both the Newcastle goals, cost us the game against a team who we really should’ve beaten.

The first Newcastle go there is a free-kick from Shelvey which is headed out, the Bastard retrieves the ball and crosses it back in and Voldemort is completely unmarked to head in the equaliser. If you watch it back he takes a free-kick and just jogs past the two Saints players in the wall who are Redmond and Djenepo and neither of them get anywhere near him or anyone else, they just fucking stand there so basically they’ve stood in the wall, seen it chipped over them and then done nothing.

On the second goal, of course McCarthy should do better than to parry it out but why is Fernandez the only player reacts. On top of that, the move the letter the second goal all started with a hoof up field and Bednarek and Hojbjerg both try to head the same ball. Absolute basics you learn when you are 10 years old. If the ball is in the air then the central defender calls for it and the midfielder gets out of the fucking way.

At the other end of the pitch, Redmond should’ve put us in front of the first half as he had a choice about five things he could’ve done but as befits a player with zero confidence he’s just tried the easiest thing possible which was to hit it from where he was and the goalkeeper made a simple save.  The Bertrand miss was a tougher chance but still should have been taken.  Today wasn’t quite up there with the Arsenal draw in terms of missing chances but the pisser is that if you look at that game as well, we really should have got 12 out of 12 over the last 4 games.

There will be positives that could be taken out of the manner of the performance and the fact that we did look the better side for about 80 minutes but it’s points we need and this was a major chance with the way the game panned out, for us to get three more and the fact that we’ve not even ended up with one is a bit of a kick in the bollocks.

The Moment It Went to Shit

We didn’t react well when Andy the Bastard came on and as he always does, he absolutely terrorised us. It was interesting hearing Ralph saying that he is hard to defend against Bastard because he’s 10 foot tall. Yes he is. If only we had a similarly massive centre back to bring on. We do of course but Bastard would’ve eaten Vestergaard alive even though he is four inches shorter than him.  The fact that Vestergaard wasn’t used to mark the best header of the ball in the league tells me that he’s not going to be around much longer.

Positives are of course yet another goal from Danny Ings. When he went through with the ball you just knew he was going to score, similar to Redmond in that you knew he was going to miss. I thought the central midfield of Hojbjerg and JWP competed well and this is why we dominated the majority of the game. All of the defenders in the main played well with Cedric today only being a partial liability instead of a complete one. Shane Long put in his usual hard-working performance up front but it would be nice if he was actually a goal threat.

The next two games are West Ham at home and Aston Villa away. We certainly need to be winning the West Ham game and we certainly can’t afford to lose either of these games. West Ham are capable of putting in a decent performance, like they did at Chelsea recently but they are also capable of stinking the place out and the players don’t seem to be really enjoying playing for Pellegrini. Saints showed again today that they can do it and we looked like a side that is perfectly capable of getting out of the mess that we are in but whilst the issues in both penalty areas persist, we’re going to be in for a season with many more frustrating games like this one.

Premier League Match 15 - Southampton 2 Norwich 1

Bertrand Moves in and Makes Sure He Kicks the Hairband Kid

Norwich at home and another game that we really need to win against the team who are near us now and who will be near us at the end of the season near the bottom of the table. To be honest, I expected Norwich to become adrift by now on about two points but they have done pretty well this season and got some remarkable results including a ridiculous 3--2 home win against Manchester City. The reason they have done pretty well this season is in the main down to having a goal scorer in the Finn, Teemu Pukki who, like Danny Ings with ourselves, has scored the goals to keep their heads just about above water. Todd Cantwell in midfield is another one that we are going to have to watch today as he has shown a real talent for breaking forward and arriving in the box at the right times. Other notable players include Tim Krul in goal who has always been one of the more reliable Premier League goalkeepers.  The manager is Daniel Farke who has a name which is a headline writers dream.  He was by all accounts, going to be sacked halfway through last season but survived and ended up winning the Championship.  This demands respect in the same way that his hairstyle doesn’t.

I’m not expecting too many team changes – the obvious one is Long in for Obafemi.  Boufal is only fit for the bench which doesn’t contain Yan Valery so we’re going to have to put up with Tight-Shirted No Socks Boyband Wannabe Bollocks at right back with Norwich doing all their attacking down that side.  Norwich are playing in a dark grey kit and they’re not the only ones who do this but I’m going to bring it up today… why do teams change colours from their home kit, which will be in their traditional colours, when there is no need to do so and especially, when it is more of a colour clash than the home kit?

We make a decent start and almost immediately look by far the more energetic side. Norwich remind me very much of what we were like against Everton in the first half and that they were incredibly passive and just let us play. We had obviously marked out Cantwell as one to watch because every time he got the ball he got completely hammered, usually with someone leaving a bit of afters on him. Ryan Bertrand was in his best shithousing mode, with lots of little nudges and throwing the ball away and all that sort of stuff but not enough to get himself booked. Cantwell was losing his rag from the first couple of minutes which was actually quite funny to see a grown man in an alice band throwing his arms around.

Cantwell is clearly still wound up after a clattering JWP challenge and decides to try wrestling with the same player when JWP receives a throw-in from Bertrand giving us a free kick about 10 yards from the by line, out on the left hand side.  It’s too far out the JWP to shoot but he does the next best thing and curls across into the middle where who else, Danny Ings gets in between two players to flick a header past Krul into the net for his ninth goal in 10 matches.

We stay on the front foot and carry on creating chances which is definitely the way to go in this game. Djenepo comes in off the right wing and has a swing with the left foot which I didn’t know he possessed which flies about a foot over the bar. Ings then passes at the chance to play Djenepo in and sees his own shot deflected for a corner. JWP swings over the corner, flicked on by Shane Long and there is Ryan Bertrand 5 yards out and all he has to do is make a connection which he duly does to put us 2–0 up. This all seems ridiculously easy at the moment.

There’s yet more attacking play looking for a third as Redmond goes on a run and beats a few players and only stops when he gets tackled as usual. Another corner is knocked in by JWP and it comes back out to him and JWP does something that I’ve never actually seen him do before and takes on a defender for pace and wins another corner which is eventually cleared as far as Hojbjerg who absolutely drills in the shot which Krul has to spectacularly tip over the bar.

Half time and we’ve been excellent and I can’t believe how about bad Norwich have been. We really have got to be winning this from this position but there is no way that Norwich are going to be as bad in the second half so we have to be a little bit careful.

Sure enough, within 30 seconds of the restart, Norwich have put together a piece of play which was better than anything they managed in the first 45 minutes and ends with Pukki blasting it a shot that McCarthy comfortably shovels over the bar. It’s a warning and maybe a sign that today is not going to be the day that we have a nice comfortable win and no one is stressed. Some chance of that ever happening. The next goal is certainly going to be key.

And we should have a chance to get that third goal but Kevin Friend is a fucking useless cock. A ball is played up to Shane long and he’s about two yards inside the Norwich penalty area and Godfrey the centre back, puts two hands in the middle of his back and shoves him over. Friend is about 5 yards away in looking straight at it and the linesman would’ve had a clear view from the left back position but nothing gets given and it doesn’t go to VAR. It’s fucking ridiculous.  Clear penalty not given.  VAR is supposed to eliminate the ‘howler’ yet here we are.

We have another go on a long ball out of defence by Bednarek is brought down by Redmond and eventually pops up to Ings who controls, swivels and shoots magnificently in one movement and sees the ball fly a foot wide of the far post.

So after this near miss and the display of Kevin Friend’s complete incompetence - guess what happens?  The ball gets slotted straight through the Cedric And Stephens Corridor of Uncertainty and Pukki runs on and smashes it past McCarthy. Defensively this goal is fucking awful because Cedric is too wide, Stephens is in no mans land and Bednarek is too deep playing everybody on side. Here we go, just one goal in front in a game where we should be out of sight.

Saints are still attacking now and Cedric tries to make up for his part in the goal by latching onto Ings square pass about 20 yards out and letting fly but Krul saves relatively comfortably. Cedric’s responds by planning another photo shoot with an ultra tight shirt and no socks.

The rest of the game played out in relative comfort for us as Norwich have the majority of possession but don’t create anything. Ralph empties the bench and it’s quite unlike what he’s done the last few weeks and that he has gone defensive with firstly Romeu coming on for Djenepo, then Adams for the clearly knackered Ings before we go to the five at the back for the last few minutes with Yoshida coming on For Shane long.

There are no real alarms until the 93rd minute when Cedric, yes, Euro 2016 winning full-back, has the ball on the right hand side of the pitch and all he had to do was keep it there and maybe run into a corner but instead of that, with zero composure it is battered across the pitch to where Saints have absolutely no players and so will give the ball away again. Norwich attack and it comes down our right hand side with Fernandez so now Cedric has to defend and he just falls on his arse, allows a free cross which is half cleared as far as Byram, who mercifully can’t keep a shot on target and fires it over the bar.

And again. Two wins in five days at St Mary‘s. What sorcery is this?. We made ridiculously hard work for winning this game against what was a diabolical Norwich side. Their first half was as bad as our first half against Everton and that really is saying something. The old saying of goals change games was never more true than in this game. At 2-0 we were cruising and Danny Ings had that shot that just went wide of the post and we had the push on Long.  3-0 and the game is completely dead but Norwich score and suddenly it becomes a very very different prospect.

"Not a Penalty" - according to Kevin Friend

Saints were actually pretty streetwise throughout I thought and look like they had a measure of Norwich. They clearly identified Cantwell as a target and he got kicked a few times which is what you deserve if you play the game in an alice band. He didn’t react well either, giving away the free-kick for our first goal and generally allowing himself to be distracted. Norwich Manager Daniel Farke said afterwards that he thought Norwich deserved a point from the game. Bullshit. They literally only played for about 15 minutes and how many saves did McCarthy have to make after Pukki’s goal? Answer, none.

All the combinations seem to work for Saints today. Ings and Long were a complete handful upfront and JWP and Hojbjerg ruled the midfield until the last 10 minutes when Hojbjerg was clearly blowing out of his arse. Playing this formation, the central midfield to have to work ridiculously hard and that’s why it was no surprised to me when Ralph brought Romeu on for the last 10 minutes to try and shore things up. It was another good game for Stephens and Bednarek in central defence, keeping Pukki down to just one chance which of course, he stuck in the net.

The weakness for us was on the right hand side of the defence and no surprise there. If Cedric had 10 choices and only one of them was a bad one then he would pick that one, every fucking time. The guy could fall in a bucket full of tits and come up sucking his thumb…. by choice. The absolute classic was in the last minute when we were holding on to what we had and he had the ball on the right hand side and he just aimlessly blasted it over the other side of the pitch where we didn’t have a single player. Bizarre to say the least. Then he compounded that by ending up on his arse in Norwich’s next attack. The goal of course came down that side as Norwich exploited the famous Cedric and Stephens corridor of uncertainty. I have no real issue with Jack though as he hasn’t released a newspaper article telling everybody how good he is.

Djenepo and Redmond both showed flashes of good play but Redmond in particular was frustrating, carrying on his recent trend of dribbling until he loses the ball and never releasing it at the right time..

It wouldn’t be Saints if everything was perfect but today, the end justifies the means. Ralph bucked his recent trend of making very attacking substitutions and tried to shore things up today and although I wasn’t sure of the time, it got the job done and also, we managed to win the game without Boufal having to play and aggravate is injury which will hopefully be better but the Newcastle game at the weekend which will be a lot harder than this one.

As an added bonus, Everton losing predictably at Anfield means that we are actually out of the bottom three and dare I say it, you can look upwards and there are a number of teams coming into range now including a couple who are in very poor form like Bournemouth. If we carry on picking up points over the next few games then you never know, they may be a bit of daylight between us and the line.

So we won two games in a row but we can’t get too carried away because the two teams that we have beaten are, as evidenced by the league table, crap. It will be interesting from that point of you to see how we get on against Newcastle on Sunday because they are a step up from Watford and Norwich. The good news is that we go into this game with confidence so bring it on.