League 1 Match 31 - Southampton 5 Walsall 1

A picture of the best manager we could have right now.

When Saturday came around it was with a home match against Walsall who are about 9th in the league and higher than us. We’d given one of our best performances of the season so far when we went up there and won 3-1 so I was certainly hoping for the convincing win we needed after the disappointing Wycombe result in midweek.

We were back to our ‘Norwich’ line up with Schneiderlin having recovered from whatever it was that he had to take the place of Antonio who dropped to the bench. As the teams came out for the ‘fair play’ handshake (the one that Wayne Bridge didn’t bother with elsewhere today) it became apparent that Walsall had the BFG wearing the No 28 shirt. It was only when he towered over 6ft 4 Radhi Jaidi that I realised how big he really was. I was expecting him to be a forward but he lined up in defence. On a bright cold day…. Off we go.

On three minutes, a standard hoof up to the edge of our box ends with Jaidi leaning on a forward and embedding him in the turf. Once the man shaped divot had been replaced, the little bald left back curled a lovely free kick into the top corner. Bugger. The travelling army of Walsall fans went wild, all 200 or so of them. Saints reaction to going behind was going to be key and within four minutes we’d had a Barnard header clawed away by the keeper, a Lambert knock down and Jason Puncheon picking up the ball in the inside right channel and curling a lovely effort in off the far post. 1-1 and we’d only just started.

Three minutes later and it looked like we were 2-1 up as Barnard followed in after the keeper had tipped a Sir Rickie header onto the bar but unfortunately the lino was watching and chalked it off. We didn’t have to wait long for a second though as after a bit of penalty box ping pong, half hit shots and rushed clearances, the ball fell to Barnard who lashed in his first SMS goal.

My Mate the BFG in the number 28 shirt had me cracked up – he just woofed it 50 yards in whatever direction he was facing. Talk about no compromise. I did notice though that he really wasn’t getting anywhere near Sir Rickie who was winning all the headers and setting up play without any attention from the Big Man. This means he was probably supposed to marking Barnard which he clearly wasn’t when Lallana fed Otsemobor who crossed for Barnard who had all the time in the world to smash it past the unprotected keeper for 3-1.

Puncheon was making a big impression with his direct running and willingness to take people on and generally make things happen. He also has a bit of brain and from a corner, instead of just putting it in the mixer, accurately picked out Lallana on the edge of the box, whose low header caused an almighty scramble before the BFG booted it to Swaythling. Right on half time there was a major surprise as we got a free kick outside the box and Sir Rickie didn’t shoot. Instead he slid a pass to Lallana whose shot was saved and caused another almighty scramble in the box.

Half time – 3-1 and looking good and now…. a rant. A few times at the start of the season I mentioned Dumb and Dumber who sit in the Kingsland directly behind me and my dad. For the past few games I’ve been to, there has only been one of them there and whoever has been there has not been too bad as they don’t have their partner in bullshit to talk to. To refresh your memory – Dumb is an old boy with a nasally whine of a voice who obviously hasn’t got the slightest clue about the game. He starts every sentence with ‘Why did he do that’. So, you get ‘Why did he do that header?’ or ‘Why did he do that kick over there’. Dumber is just a moron. He thinks he’s funny and a bit wacky. He’s not, he’s just a twat. At half time he rolled up his programme and was making quacking noises into it.

Dumb: “Why did Jaidi do that header?”
Dumber: “It was Papa Waigo, he has good spring, like Tigger in Winnie the Pooh”
Dumb: “Why did Waigo come on?” (Note: he hadn’t at that point)
Dumber: “Quaaaaack, Quaaaaaack, listen everybody!”
Dumb “Why has the bloke in front of us stuffed your programme down your throat?”

The first fifteen minutes of the second half was poor to be honest as Saints looked like a team thinking about upcoming games now that this one was over. They really couldn’t be blamed for this as Walsall were piss poor without any belief or ambition. It needed a goal to liven things up again and it duly arrived when Schneiderlin crossed for Sir Rickie to control superbly at the back past and lash past the keeper.

Having talked up the need to give him a rest, it was surprising that Pards chose to replace Barnard instead of Lambert, with Papa Waigo N’Doffside twice within a minute of coming on. Papa was roaming around predominantly on the left and from this position, cut in along the goal line and teed up Lallana who showed why he needs an hours shooting practice at training every day. It didn’t matter because it was 4-1 but it really was crap.

Thomas came on for Jaidi and Antonio for Lambert as we closed the game off strongly with another Waigo burst and pull back to Lallana who this time, made no mistake. In truth, 5-1 flattered Walsall a bit and they couldn’t have complained if it had been 8-1. I’m trying hard but am struggling to think of worse opposition at SMS this season, maybe Tranmere or Stockport who are two teams at the bottom whereas Walsall are top half.

For us today there was a consistency of performance throughout the whole team but Schneiderlin was different class. Walsall didn’t put him under any pressure but he barely wasted a pass all game and kept us moving forwards all game. I was also impressed with Jon Otsemobor who is proving what Pards said about him when he said that a player can be having a poor time at one club and play well for another (or something like that). It was nice to see Lee Barnard get another couple of goals and the partnership with Sir Rickie is looking better with Barney playing slightly deeper. Punch and Lallana are a threat to anyone and it would be churlish to mention that Kelvin was a bit flappity today but I’ve just done it.

Since the game finished (about 6 hours ago as I write) – there has been a whirlwind of Mesageboard shit thrown about, regarding Alan Pardew leaving the club. For the record – if this happens then my 100% confidence in the new regime will go down the crapper. The storm was of course caused by Don Nicola being quoted in The Echo after the Exeter game and now every little thing is being scrutinised by every internet warrior with an interest or an agenda. Apparently, Pards was glum looking in his post match interview which of course means that he’s been fired, been told he’s being fired, been threatened with the sack if we don’t make the playoffs. On the other hand, he may have had a bad curry last night and had to leave in a hurry before his guts fell out. Who fucking knows? No one really except Pards and Don Nicola – certainly none of our fans know. We have to have a scandal though, we have to have issues. FFS (to use a popular web forum shorthand) – haven’t we had enough years of complete and utter shite to put up with ? Isn’t it nice to be in a Cup final and winning games. We’ve lost 3 out of 24 or something…. FFS. Give it a rest. Still, I'm sure the Echo will pick up on it now and it'll run and run....

Lets look at our last few managers…. Mark Wotte was not too bad but an arrogant sod who suffered because he was linked to the mother of all complete idiots, Jan Poortvliet, whose press conferences used to have me driving the car and kicking the radio in at the same time. This is not to mention the Dave McGoldrick up front on his own, Ollie Lancashire in the team bollocks on the pitch. We had Nigel Pearson for a few games who was decent but sawn off by he who must not be named and before him, we had the totally disinterested, baffling and useless George Burley (hic!) – another master of the completely bewildering press conference and team selection / tactics – not to mention his squad of 1 centre back, 28 midfielders and dropping your main striker for no explained reason. If he was in charge now, he’d drop Sir Rickie and leave him on the bench all season.

In short, in a world of shocking managers, Alan Pardew is a bloody good one and is EXACTLY what we need at this moment in time. He communicates superbly and you can almost always see what he is trying to do on the pitch. He came in to a club that playing wise, was on it’s knees and with no pre-season has built a squad that is easily good enough to reach the playoffs. It has taken this long to build the squad and watch us go as Puncheon, Otsemobor, Fonte and Barnard settle in. So, we’ve had the odd bump in the road but who fucking doesn’t. Chelsea lost 4-2 at home today and had two sent off – does that mean multi-Serie A and Champions League winning manager Carlo Ancellotti is a bad manager ? No. Does it mean he’ll get sacked in the morning ? Maybe… actually… but I think I’ve made my point.

So anyway, we get rid of Pards and get someone better like Iain fucking Dowie... FFS FFS FFS FFS.

I met some Walsall mates in the pub after the game and they think we’re the best side in the Division bar none. I reciprocated by telling them they were the worst sides I’d seen since I played against a team called Inter Northam in the Southampton Sunday League when we won 15-0. Walsall were, as they say in the black country, Shoit.

In three days time we’re up again…. Huddersfield at home. Their prefix in the media is ‘free scoring’ and as we’ve just stuffed in five goals, it should be a cracker.

League 1 Match 30 - Wycombe 0 Southampton 0

Tuesday night, cold, miserable…. But enough about me, the mighty SFC had made the relatively short hop to Wycombe and Adams Park. I didn’t know their ground was called Adams Park and wondered for a second if it was named in honour of Tony Adams who was a great manager for them, not. This got me thinking about names for Grounds. I know that Wycombe’s ground was not named after Tony Adams but as an aside, it’s a pet hate of mine when clubs take the corporate shilling to rename their ground but even that’s preferable to ego trips for Chairmen / Owners like the DW Stadium at Wigan and the Madjewski at Reading. It’s remarkable that our own egomaniac at the time SMS didn’t try this trick – The Lowe Hockey Stadium. Brrrr.

I digress as usual but back to the game and after the belting win at Norwich on Saturday, Saints would be expecting to continue the good work at Wycombe who though having improved recently, are still one of the bottom sides and should therefore be dispatched. The fans, armed with the feelgood factors of the Norwich win, Wembley tickets on the way and Pompey almost certainly going into administration, certainly expected a win. There was one team change for Saints with Morgan Schneiderlin being ruled out and replaced by Michail Antonio with Jason Puncheon moving to the centre of midfield. I’m guessing that Lloyd James would have been the usual replacement but he had a knock and didn’t travel.

In the first quarter of an hour nothing happened and then Wycombe found some form and Super Kelv had to make a couple of saves. Saints had their first effort on 20 minutes as Puncheon hit one straight down the keepers throat. The half drifted on with nothing happened so Pards got fed up and introduced Wotton in place of Antonio with Punch moving out to the right flank.

Half time and 0-0 – I expected half time roastings (not a John Terry / Ashley Cole roasting) and flying out of the traps in the 2nd half.

Having become exasperated with poor internet connection and continual dropping out of the Saints Player, I reverted to BBC text commentary on my phone and for the next 15 minutes I assumed that was broken as well. Then, on 61 minutes came “Adam Lallana shoots over”. Are you seriously telling me that nothing noteworthy happened between 45 and 61 minutes?

Barnard was replaced with Waigo but it was Wycombe who nearly took the lead on 70 minutes when Davis had to turn a shot onto the bar an over. Another 15 minutes of nothing happened before Saints won a free kick 35 yards out but Sir Rickie found only the keeper with his effort. Injury time and in a desperate attempt to win the game, Lallana was replaced with renowned goalscorer Wayne Thomas for the last minute. Full time, 0-0, rubbish.

If you are the ‘glass half full’ type, you would be looking at two away games at Norwich and Wycombe and would be happy with four points. However, having got three of those points away to the league leaders, you’d have been expecting three more tonight. This is a poor result for us, matched only by a generally poor performance. Regular readers will know that I’m not a great fan of Schneiderlin but maybe tonight illustrates what’s missing then he’s not there and that’s no one else puts their foot on the ball and passes it. I guess Pards was trying to keep some creativity in the centre of the park by moving Puncheon there. After Antonio went off however, Wotton and Hammond in the centre of midfield should have provided a base for the more creative Puncheon and Lallana on the wings to do some damage but it just never happened.

Pards pointed a finger at the conditions and poor pitch and he did at least acknowledge that we have to learn how to win these sort of games – of which there are many in League 1. He also said that we just weren’t good enough but it showed how bad it was when he mentioned a tight offside call against Papa Waigo as a turning point. Thing is – before Christmas, we were winning these games so what’s happened. Personally, I think that David Connolly being injured has been the major factor as he had that ability to find space in tiring defences and put games to bed. This just sounded like a truly abysmal game where the match report could read. Kick off – half time – 2nd half starts – full time – 0-0. I realise that this report doesn’t say much more than that.

Sometimes you can analyse things too much – a 0-0 draw at Wycombe is a rubbish result. Still, could be worse, Peter Storrie could be our CEO – then you would be justified in wanting to slit your wrists. Us Saints fans really haven’t got too much to grumble about right now unless you’re the sort that would piss and moan if you won millions on the lottery. Onwards – Walsall at home on Saturday.

League 1 Match 29 - Norwich 0 Southampton 2

Look who had 2-0 with Barnard scoring first !

A calm week for Saints after the Cup defeat to the Skates a week before, with nothing really to worry about other than wondering if the cheating bastards would go bust. Like the turd that won’t flush or the dog shit on your shoe - they are still here, defying any effort to get rid of them or the smell. More importantly, we’re up at League 1 leading Norwich City with Don Nicola expecting a return to winning ways – no pressure then. Norwich haven’t lost at home since the opening game of the season when they were under the ‘management’ of Bryan Gunn who was on a one man mission to prove that good goalkeepers do not make good managers. On the face of it, we were up against it and when I thought about this game during the week, I decided I’d be chuffed as nuts with a draw.

Pards had picked exactly the team I’d have picked (which is a first) and with 9 League Games before our Wembley trip and everyone available, there was no need to rotate or rest players. Jaidi and Fonte were the centre back pairing with Puncheon and Lallana on the wings. Sir Rickie was partnered up front by Lee Barnard, still looking for his first SFC goal. When I looked at the Norwich line-up, I was very positive and thought to myself that there is absolutely no reason why we can’t beat this lot. I wanted Delia on the pitch at half time being a complete arse, I wanted to see her feeling the pain, I wanted her to cook me a burger.

The game starts and it’s all Saints, positive and slick and dangerous. We get our first corner and Sir Rickie is not taking it – thank Christ. The job has gone to Jason Puncheon who takes them from both sides but also beats players and has shots – firing narrowly wide twice, once from distance and once from closer in that he really should have done better with. Lee Barnard was looking dangerous for Saints and was put through by Schneiderlin only for his shot to be blocked and loop onto the roof of the net.

On the half hour, Sir Rickie tries to lay the ball off to Cap’n Hammond and gets flattened. Sir Rickie lines up the free kick a good 35 yards out and I don’t really think anyone in yellow really appreciated the danger which is pretty dumb really. As the free kick beat the keeper, struck the bar and bounced down – time stood still and the Russian linesman didn’t signal a goal. Some Saints players appealed for a goal, some watched, some defenders watched and looked at the ref. My dad always said to me, ‘play to the whistle’ and Lee Barnard’s dad obviously said the same thing to him as Barney just headed it into the net and ran off to celebrate.

For the remainder of the first half, Saints were looking more likely to double their lead than Norwich were to equalize but we arrived at half time, 1-0 up and looking by miles the most likely winners. 1-0 up away from home again, I guess it’ll be a 1-1 draw then.

No doubt with the words of their manager still ringing in their ears and the threat of having to go to a Delia ‘How to boil and egg’ workshop, Norwich had a go at the start of the second half and Davis made a blinding save, tipping a Korey Smith shot onto the bar with it having taken a big deflection off of Mount Jaidi. Korey really is a stupid name isn’t it and I’m especially glad Davis stopped him scoring just because of it.

On the hour mark we were handed the initiative again by a classic League 1 ref decision. Darel Russell went to bring down a high ball and had his eye on it as it came down. At the last second, Schneiderlin nipped in front of him and took the ball and Russell’s foot caught him. Straight red card – absolute bollocks. Russell wasn’t looking at him and would not have even known he was there – a classic case of the ref not having a clue. We’ll take it though – what else can you do?

From the next meaningful attack, Otsemobor tricked his way past some former team mates down the right and laid it back for Lallana to hit the outside of the post and you began to fear that we were just missing too many chances again when five minutes later, Lallana picked up a ball in the inside left channel, following a Lambert lay off and curled a lovely right footed effort… against the same bloody post again.

Not to be denied, and not put off by his new teammates inability to actually put the ball in the net, Puncheon again got to the line, took out the keeper with the pull back to give Barnard the task of beating a defender on the line which he duly did. 2-0, take me home baby!!!

There were 10 minutes left and these panned out with no real threat on our goal so we busied ourselves with collecting as many yellow cards as possible with Hammond, Harding and Davis all going into the book. Radio Solent managed to mistake Harding for Jaidi which takes some doing and Davis only got his card when Grant Wanker Holt started moaning at the ref about the time Super Kelv was taking over goal kicks (mind you, Kelvin was taking the piss somewhat). The ref managed to cover himself in glory again when he equalled up the red card by not sending off Chris Martin for a very poor lunge at Cap’n Hammond. Hey Chris… “and it was all yellow!” – not today sunshine.

This is a brilliant win, make no mistake. It really sends out a message that we mean business and should fill every Saints supporter with hope that we can have a storming run at the end of this season. They players must now feel that this team can beat anyone in this division and confidence can get you a hell of a long way. Individually, Jason Puncheon had a great match and every time he does so, I will remind you all that I picked him out when he played for the Fake Dons. Also, it’s great for Lee Barnard to get his first goals for the club as it would be great to have both he and Sir Rickie hitting the net for the rest of the season. Another plus was the pairing of Jaidi and Fonte who are going to take some beating and gave the previously prolific Norwich attack, not much of a sniff and caused Grant Holt to go into petulant, dummy spitted teddy-bear throwing mode like he did in the JPT game at SMS a while back.

And the final action of a brilliant day came a couple of hours later as Salif Diao scored the winning goal for 10 man Stoke City…. In the words of Derek and Clive (Google it if you’re under 30)… Laugh? I nearly shat!

Next up, Wycombe away on Tuesday, COYR

FA Cup 5th Round - Southampton 1 Portsmouth 4

Show the Red Card to Cheating Bastards !!!

The day was finally here and it was time to take on Portsmouth in the 5th Round of the FA Cup. But for the High Court, in an act of sentimentality, allowing Pompey an extra 7 days to prove that they are not what we all know them to be…. Insolvent, then this game wouldn’t have taken place. This would have been a shame in some respects but not in others. To be honest, forgetting the fans for a minute, the people who have run Pompey for the last ten-ish years, deserve for the club to go bang and be liquidated.

So, it was with great irritation that I turned on the radio on my way to the match and heard yet another interview with Peter Sob Storrie, blah blah new investors, blah blah persecuted, blah blah out to get us, blah blah fucking blah. I’d like one of the radio interviewers to ask the following…. Peter, whose decision was it not to pay the taxman and spend it on players? Anyhow, my train of thought was interrupted by a Pompey fan with multiple tattoos trying to thumb a lift. I thought about driving past, stopping and then speeding off as he caught up but decided that would be lowering myself to their level which is a level you never want to be at.

We park up near Woolston station and it was a relief to find that the Police had learnt the lesson of five years ago and were not letting the Pompey fans off there. Quick stroll across the bridge and we’re in, fantastic crowd, atmosphere building nicely. Saints have selected the same team as the other night with only Perry coming in for the cup tied Fonte. I was surprised as I felt that Pards would play 5 in midfield. The Skates on the other hand looked really makeshift at the back with two midfielders at full backs and a full back at centre back. It’s going to be tough but I think with a bit of luck we can do it.

Text messages are flying about with insincere good luck messages from Blue mates but everyone’s sticking to banter and not giving it the large one which is nice. It was then time to hold up the card that was fixed to your seat with a rubber band to make a mosaic for the cameras – I had a white one. It did make me laugh that there were no cards on the seats in the sections next to the Skates. I think a rubber band fight would have been a good laugh, especially as we’d start with all the ammo.

The first thing I noticed once the game kicked off was Howard Webb the referee, who effortlessly seemed to control the opening exchanges of the game. What a pleasant change from the nomarks we have in League 1. Saints were looking the more dangerous side and really should have taken the lead on ten minutes as Sir Rickie found himself on the left wing and whipped in a perfect cross onto the head of Papa Waigo at the back stick but his soft header gave James the chance to save which he duly did.

Saints continued to press but were given a reminder of the quality of the opposition when O’Hara thumped a volley from 25 yards which Davis tipped over at full stretch. When Pompey got the ball down they looked good in midfield but their final ball up to the forwards was terrible, usually going straight off the pitch. However, kicking for touch is a batter bet than passing to John 80k Utaka who is shocking.

Meanwhile, down the other end, Lallana was running rings round them, especially big Papa Bouba Diop and Sir Rickie was taking corners again. James flapped one of these onto the head of Jaidi who couldn’t react in time and headed over. Following this came a further period of Saints dominance as James got to a ball just before Lallana and then made a brilliant instinctive block to keep out a Thomas header.

0-0 at half time and we really should have been in front. Aside from the one shot from O’Hara, they’d produced nothing and we’d had chances – “would we regret it?” was a question on a text I had from my mate Pompey Dave.

The second half started with a great run and cross from Antonio who had obviously had a kick up the arse at half time because he was wandering about like a little boy lost in the first half. The cross was met by Lallana but James (the bastard) pulled out another top drawer block.

On the hour mark, Avram Grant removed 47 year old waiter Basinas and replaced him with the ridiculously named, Quincy Owusu-Abeyie. I’d seen Quincy play for Birmingham against us a while back and didn’t think he was much good so I wasn’t worried. Wrong! Five minutes later he found himself with the ball in the inside left channel and curled a lovely right footed shot into the far corner to give the Skates the lead. Quality finish it has to be said but I still called him a bastard. Half a second after it hit the net, the Skates realised and made some noise for the first time.

Back came the Saints and four minutes later got a free kick wide on the right. Sir Rickie stayed in the box and here’s why. Harding’s left footed kick was staright on his head and he nodded in powerfully past James who had in truth, kind of come for it and gone back again. SMS went mental in a way that makes you love a derby game – but only when you’ve scored. Pards - Sir Rickie is like a magnet for the ball when he’s in the box and he knows where the goal is and is much more likely to score from a header than anyone else in the team so get him in there and get Lallana and Schneiderlin to practice set piece delivery

Subs all round as Avram Grant decided that Roxanne had put on her red light and pulled off Utaka. If he pays me 80 grand a week, Avram can pull me off as well. John 80k was replaced with the winner of the Ballon D’Lead, Frederic Piquionne whilst Pards replaced Papa Waigo with Lee Barnard. Twenty to go and then it all went to shit.

From another break up the pitch from Quincy, the ball found itself, via a despairing lunge from the previously immaculate Perry, at the feet of the previously anonymous Dindane whose cross shot was half blocked by Davis’ foot but still hobbled into the net. Again there was that horrible half a second before the Skate fans realised they’d scored but we were 2-1 down. The goal was very preventable for a couple of reasons – both Schneiderlin and Hammond were in front of the ball when we lost it which meant we had no one holding the midfield and also, Perry really should have cut it out. Fuck it.

The moment you know it is not going to be your day is when you think you’ve equalised again and it gets chalked off…. Lallana half hit a shot, James parried and Barnard bundled it in only for the flag to go up. It was offside and I have no problem with it being disallowed but wouldn’t have been nice if all that phase 1, phase 2 crap could have gone in our favour.

And that was it – we over-committed again and got done on the break as Belhadj ran through for 3-1 and then we did the same again and Quincy set up O’Hara to smash the 4th through Davis. Usually I’d say you may as well lose 4-1 as 2-1 in the Cup but not today. Getting beat 4-1 by Them is not good. If we’d lost 4-1 to Wolves or Bolton for example, I wouldn’t have given a shit, but Them…. THEM!!!

Fucking hell, talk about a flattering scoreline. The only good thing is that I think everybody recognises that fact. For 70 minutes I reckon we were the better side but as is the case with many of our league games, the last 20 was a different matter altogether. Is it a fitness issue, a concentration issue or what is it? I feel that today it was a tactical issue as well as we went all gung ho at 2-1 down and the killer 3rd goal came about when our whole midfield and a defender were in front of the ball when we lost it. Fair play to Pompey for building the attack and sticking it in the net but Jesus we looked naïve.

In a nutshell, they took their chances and we didn’t and James made a string of saves that kept them in it which is what he is supposed to do. The other side of that is that on many of the chances, he shouldn’t have had a prayer but the final effort on goal was weak and gave him a chance. They did a job on us really and we got mugged but I feel we really let them off the hook. The pace in their side was always going to be a problem for us and in the last 20 minutes when the game opened out a bit, it really told. The best outfield player on the pitch was O’Hara by a mile and he really bossed the game, especially in the 2nd half and deserved his goal, even if it did make the scoreline completely flattering.

The previous paragraph was the magnanimous paragraph when I give credit where credit is due. The next paragraph (or three) is the sour grapes paragraph (or three).

It sticks in my fucking craw losing to them at any time but even though we’re two divisions below them, it sticks even more that the result could just as easily be written Southampton 1 Premier League 4. The pathetic, limp wristed Premier League have done precisely the square root of fuck all to punish Pompey for cheating. Any points deductions for paying players late or falling behind on repayments to other clubs for players they’ve signed? Any penalty for stealing the VAT they should have paid to the taxman and spending it on players? They’re cheating, end of. The Premier League put a transfer embargo on them which lasted three weeks of the last transfer window. They only did that because they owed money to other football clubs – and then they lifted the embargo a) to maintain the integrity of the competition (don’t make me fucking laugh) and b) so Pompey could add more players to a wage bill that they can’t and could never afford.

I’m guessing that their highest paid player (aside from the truly shit John Utaka) is David James who was man of the match for me today. Also, two of the players they were allowed to sign in the recent transfer window, despite being insolvent, Quincy Owusu-Abeyie and Jamie O’Hara scored or had hand in three of their goals today. I bet a load of teams would like to have those three players as a reward for cheating if they were going to get away with it. They should not get away with it.

The most incredible thing is about a guy who didn’t even get on the pitch today. After being told last week that a Judge ‘suspected they were insolvent’ … and HMRC declared the opinion that they were insolvent… and being given 7 days to prove they haven’t been insolvent and can pay every future bill…. they signed another player (Tosic) and therefore, added to the list of outgoings. Am I the only one who thinks it is completely fucking staggering that they are allowed to do this? If I was the Judge, I’d be thinking that this lot are just taking the piss and have them put to sleep. I have no beef with a vast majority of Pompey fans but it would be a good day for football if this all catches up with them – them being the cartel of crooks and Peter Tell me a Fucking Storrie. Just because it’s sour grapes (which it is), doesn’t mean it isn’t fucking true. I would be saying this if we hadn’t lost to them today but maybe with a bit less venom.

Saints for their part have got to put this behind them and take the positives from it, the positives being that for 70 minutes we were the better side and that not many sides we’ll be playing against for a while have a goalkeeper that good or forwards that quick. There were some good individual performances as well with Lallana, Lambert, Antonio (2nd half) and Schneiderlin (who really got stuck in today) being the pick. We now have a month and a load of fixtures to try and make a dent in what is now an 18 point deficit between us and the playoffs before the JPT final on March 28th. If we can get that gap down to under ten in that time then we may still have a chance.

It was a disappointing day but I’m proud to be a Saint and I really would not swap our future for theirs.

JPT Southern Final 2nd Leg - Southampton 3 MK Dons 1 (Saints win 4-1 on aggregate)

Wem-ber-ley

This one is hurting. I usually accept that I have to miss midweek games due to work but this is killing me. For starters, I had a ticket and was intending to go but then I got made redundant at work and as a contractor, I then had to take every bit of work that was going. So, I’ve paid for a ticket and now I’m paying again by sitting in an Internet café listening to The Saints Player. Assuming that I’m here for the duration, it’s going to cost another tenner. Small price to pay though. It’s a night of JPT Rock ‘n’ Roll action with Saints v Fakes and also Carlisle v Leeds in the other Area Final with Carlisle 2-1 up from the away leg.

Since the Exeter game, Don Nicola Cortese has decided to put a bit of a squeeze on Pards’ knackers and publically declared that he expects better results in the league. Personally I think he’s stating the obvious but I question whether it really needed saying in public. Surely he could have just had a quiet word or alternatively, left a horses head in his bed.

To the team and at last, Hammond is back. Tonights centre back pairing is Fonte and Jaidi which would be my first choice anyway. Fonte is of course not cup tied for the JPT, having played for a team not bad enough to enter it. Dan Harding is recalled in place of Heather Mills and our “JPT specialists” (copyright The Dickhead on Radio Solent) Antonio and Thomas make up the right hand side of the team. The Fake Dons on the other hand have a bit of an injury crisis, plus the fact that Jason Puncheon can’t play for them as he’s moved on to better things. Punch’s place in the squad has been taken by Alex Rae who is 40.

Fast start for Saints and we swarm all over them but the first JPT news of the night is that Carlisle are 1-0 up against Leeds making it 3-1 on aggregate. In a totally unrelated aside, Pompey have gone 1-0 down v Sunderland and had Ricardo Rocha sent off. He’ll now be banned for the FA Cup game at SMS on Saturday (if it takes place) which is karma because he was signed despite Pompey owing millions to everyone.

Papa Waigo, our other JPT specialist, is looking dangerous but there is a strange development in that Sir Rickie is taking all the free kicks from wide areas. So, having spoken about decreasing his workload, Pards now has him taking free kicks and expecting him to get his head on the end of the cross!!! Madness I say, Pardew out!!! Seriously though, why can’t Lallana or Morgan “Dead Ball Specialist” Schneiderlin take them.

Dave Merrington - now he is a genius and he is prone to those Nostradamus moments, predicting the exact opposite of what is about to happen. For once he is spot on with “it’s a matter of time before Saints score” as Sir Rickie takes some time off from taking free kicks, goal kicks and throw ins and gets in the box to collect a ball from a neat pass by Waigo and make it 1-0 on the night, 2-0 on aggregate. Solent Dickhead gives his “March to the Arch” saying an airing for the first time.

More strangeness happens as Sir Rickie is now taking corners from both sides and you know what happens – takes one from the left, ball gets put behind again for a corner on the right. Meanwhile, Papa Waigo N’Doffside makes his first appearance for a few weeks but all is forgiven on the half hour as following an Antonio run and a hurried MK clearance, the ball hit Woodards in the guts and bounces into the net for a very funny own goal. It’s the second daft own goal we’ve got in recent weeks and this one is hilarious. I have had to get this description from my Dad as the genius on the radio did it no justice at all with “Antonio….. own goal”

Meanwhile, several thousand miles away, Leeds equalize at Carlisle but it’s still 3-2 to Carlisle on aggregate.

It’s still all Saints, going for the proverbial jugular and you sense that the Fake Dons know the game is up and resort to Ince tactics as Waigo collects an elbow in the face. His subsequent conversation with the ref must have been strange as he speaks no English whatsoever.

A regular feature of all games against the Fake Dons this year has been the game you can play whenever the ball rolls towards Gueret, in the Fake Dons goal… “which angle will the ball slice off his foot at ?” He manages a 20 degree one which is not too bad, then a 45 but then surpasses himself with a 90 which is a far out as you can be without going backwards. Whilst Gueret is slicing for all his life’s worth, Carlisle are slicing through Leeds again and it’s 2-1 on the night, 4-2 on aggregate. Radio Solent Dickhead goes into overdrive with “it’s Saints v Carlisle at Wembley on March 28th”.

Saints respond to this by throwing some awful defending into the mix as Harding says “after you”, Fonte says “after you” (in Portuguese) and Jaidi says “after you” (in French) and Randall just puts it in the net. Suddenly we’re panicking and looking for half time as the Fakes pile it on without actually having another shot. Half time, 2-1, 3-1 on aggregate.

During the half time break, news filters through that Leeds have scored twice in the last 10 and now it’s 4-4 on aggregate and penalties are about to start. The second half starts at SMS and Sir Rickie is still taking corners. I’m temporarily distracted as nothing much is going on at SMS, so I start watching the Carlisle v Leeds penalties on BBC text updates. 1-0, Leeds miss, 2-0, 2-1, 3-1, 3-2, Carlisle miss, 3-3, 4-3 and Dickhead announces on the radio that Carlisle are through, 4-4. Come on Carlisle!!! 5-4, 5-5, 6-5, Leeds miss and Carlisle are finally through but Solent Dickhead is not as confident as before, as it’s now “Carlisle versus the winners of tonight”

We’re into the last half hour and it’s stopped being an interesting game as Saints appear to have settled for what they have and it’s just turned into a niggle-fest in midfield with nothing much happening. Solent Dickhead punctuates the tension by announcing after a foul by Wilbraham, that Saints have a "free cock" which sounds like the sort of thing Avram Grant allegedly has in Unit 1, Horton Heath.

With 15 left, Pards decides that it’s time to bolster the midfield and Wotton comes on for Schneiderlin who has once again, flattered to deceive. Solent Dickhead announces that James has come on but of course, he hasn’t. Those who have “less than 2 minutes” on the spread betting for “First Wotton Foul” are duly rewarded as Wotton goes slicing and dicing like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. It’s getting more and more niggly and the Master of Niggle and Very Fast Driving, Wayne Thomas tries to start a fight and gets booked. Ince’s last throw of the dice is to bring on the 40 year old midfielder just in time for Saints to wrap it all up with a goal from Lallana – 3-1 on the night, 4-1 on aggregate, 5 minutes left and we’re going to Wem-ber-ley….

Despite the formality of what’s about to happen and having already been booked, Thommo decides that it’s worth running 40 yards to get involved in Fonte’s ruck with the ever irritating Wilbraham. Yellow for Wilbraham, lecture for Thommo who is immediately substituted to a standing ovation. He leaves the pitch to 29,000 people cheering in the Fake Dons bench giving him the large one. I like Thommo but when the red mist comes down, it really comes down…

Game over, job done and as I mentioned before, we’re going to Wem-ber-ley. I look forward to the post game insight from Karl ‘Bullshit’ Robinson, the Fake Dons assistant manager. Was our celebration ok Karl?, did you outplay us again Karl? Winning was all that mattered tonight and we completed the job with something to spare. In truth, one gifted goal aside, the Fake Dons never threatened.

Now we move on to the matter of playing our nearest and dearest rivals in the FA Cup on Saturday. It’s transpired that it could well be their last ever game as the High Court has given them a 7 day extension to find a shedload of clean money in the washing machine which is assuming they’ve paid the electricity bill to operate the washing machine. We could win and go through and bizarrely, we could draw and go through. Forgetting all that and concentrating on the game – I’m worried that our midfield will get overrun as that’s where Pompey’s strength is and we’re weak there. Hammond is of course, not up to full speed yet and for me, Schneiderlin is just not effective enough. Personally I’d play three in the centre – Hammond, James and Lallana breaking forward to support Sir Rickie. I’m not the manager though and for that we should be grateful….

For us Saints fans, it’s all set up to be a beautiful weekend and all we can do is hope Pards and the team can deliver. To echo the programme notes of the late great Alan Ball, get home safely…

League 1 Match 28 - Exeter 1 Southampton 1

Pards and Cortese discuss recent away results

It had been a quiet week… we’d actually had a whole week off and there had been little to keep us Saints fans occupied other than the complete comedy from the other end of the M27. It was oh so quiet from St Mary’s with just news of ticket sales and next years shirt not having a sponsor for aesthetic reasons only... to break the slumber. Good times.

The Exeter away game was upon us and Pards had been stressing that the players were only thinking of this game and not the two cup games against the Fake Dons and the Brothel Botherers. It’s a good job the players were on the ball because the fans seem obsessed with the cup games, especially the second one for some reason. Everyone was available for today as James and Lallana returned from injury to replace Wotton and Homes. Papa Waigo, fresh from his match turning performance last week, started instead of Barnard and a debut was given to Jason Puncheon with Antonio dropping to the bench. We started 4-5-1 with Puncheon in the central midfield three.

Personally I had a choice for today – take time out from entertaining my kids and listen to the commentary from Diamond Dave Merrington and the other clown on Solent or entertain the kids and watch the England v Wales Rugby at 5pm. Bearing in mind that a lot of my extended family are from the wrong side of the Severn Bridge, and that I wanted to know what I was talking about when I rang them up to gloat afterwards, I decided with the latter. Of course, I tried to sneak a bit of radio as well…

As the game started it became apparent that while Exeter’s team has moved up two divisions in two seasons, their pitch is still down in the Conference with sideways and dead bounces being the norm. That said, Saints started well with both Lambert and Waigo having shots blocked. The formation changed meanwhile and Puncheon was pushed up front.

In truth, the first half was all Saints with Exeter not managing an attempt on goal and it was no surprise when following a defensive slip, Adam Lallana controlled well and fired us 1-0 in front. This must have been a relief to Lallana whose goalscoring form had mirrored last season when he scored a load in the first few months and then tailed off completely.

Half time arrived 10 minutes later following a Puncheon shot over the bar, with Saints still 1-0 up and it was of course, time for the half time team talk which would have said something along the lines of pushing on and getting a second goal and finishing them off. Take the game to them lads and don’t give them a sniff etc etc. I’m confident it didn’t say anything along the line of ‘give them a goal and make it interesting’ but that’s what we did as Taylor profited from crap defending of a corner as usual to make it 1-1 just 3 minutes after the restart.

Waigo had produced the usual average performance he produces when he starts an away game and he was unsurprisingly replaced with Antonio just after the hour. Surprisingly, Antonio was pushed up front alongside Sir Rickie with Puncheon moving to the right and his 3rd new position of the match. He was on the move again on 80 minutes when following Thomas coming on for James, Otsemobor moved to right wing and Punch ended up in central midfield.

I’m in the car now on my way to watch the rugby. As the radio comes on I hear the stadium announcer gloriously announcing ‘Substitution for Southampton, Lee Barnard replacing Jon Ostembobbybor’. This was followed by an Exeter shot which deflected and clipped the post. Jesus, sounds like we’re hanging on.

Following the near miss at the other end, the game finished with Saints finally applying a bit of late pressure – a couple of corners, a half shout for a penalty and the final action of the game being Danny Seabourne sticking a foot out and looping an effort just over the bar. Final score 1-1, again.

A while ago we were all laughing along at how we ended up with the same result in every away game in much the same as we are now. Only difference is that the previous time, the score was always 3-1 to us and now it’s a bloody 1-1 draw every time with Saints taking the lead every time and then not completing the job. It’s a bad day today and to be honest, I think the playoff dream got another nail in its coffin today. It’s now 15 points and a game in hand for Swindon. In order to make a significant dent in that deficit, we’re going to have to win something like 8 out of the next 10 and we’ve stopped winning away from home.

I still feel that Pards is mixing and matching a bit with the selection with the Cup games coming up. Hopefully when this week is over we’ll still be in the Cups but also, we’ll be able to get to somewhere near a settled side and kick on. I’d certainly like to see Jaidi and Harding back in the side and probably Thomas at right back as well. When Jaidi and Trotman were at centre back, we stopped letting in set piece goals and now we’ve started again. Jaidi is the best header of a ball at the club and should be playing in the league, in every game he is physically able. Also, Dean Hammond is becoming a better and better player with every game he misses through injury.

Anyhow, now it’s the Cup games. First up it’s the Fake Dons and sadly, my seat will be occupied by my Mum as I have to work due to impending unemployment and a need to milk every last cent. It should be a near 30,000 crowd and we should have enough about us to make it through to Wembley. Remember that when you’re feeling pissed off about today’s result.