League 1 Match 27 - Southampton 2 Stockport 0

On Saturday morning the official Saints website carried the news that we had signed Jason Puncheon from Plymouth who was on loan at the Fake Dons. This is the player that I picked out as being in good player in the JPT Final 1st Leg report a week or so ago. Aren’t I clever? It looks a good signing for another reason as well in that he now of course, won’t be playing against us in the 2nd leg.

When inside SMS, the talk was of who had and who hadn’t got their tickets for the Skates match. I got mine in the morning and here’s a transcript of the last few seconds of my conversation with Barbie in the ticket office.

Me: What happens if the game isn’t played ?
Barbie: I don’t know.
Me: you know, if Portsmouth go bust before the game and can’t fulfil the fixture
Barbie: I don’t know
Me: Would I get a refund ?
Barbie: I don’t know
Me: What’s the next number after 3
Barbie: I don’t know
Me: How far would you let me go on a first date ?
Barbie: I don’t know

One bloke was saying in the ground that if the Skates were out, Sunderland (lost to Skates in 4th Round) would be reinstated... can't see that one myself as Coventry (lost to Skates in 3rd Round) would want to be reinstated as well.

Anyhow, the Saints line-up for today was notable for a few things. The first is that we had our ‘League’ defence in place, the one with Otsemobor, Fonte, Seabourne and Mills in it. The ‘Cups’ defence of Thomas, Jaidi, Perry and Harding was on the bench. Lallana was missing presumed rested so Antonio and Holmes were on the wings with Wottinho and Schneiderlin in the centre. Barnard was up front with Sir Rickie.

The first half an hour of the game passed by in a blur of absolutely nothing. Nothing from Saints and even less from Stockport who were living up to their league position of bottom by miles. They had five across midfield and a midget up front who barely touched the ball. Fonte and Seabourne must have been worried about being outjumped by the 5ft 4 towering presence in front of them. Both of the goalkeepers were providing light relief to keep us all entertained. Kelvin Davis’ first touch was on good form today as he gave the chasing forward every chance of getting the ball before he cleared it on a couple of occasions. Meanwhile, Owain Fon Williams (Do you think he may be Welsh with a name like that?) was scuffing kicks along the ground and falling on his arse every time the ball went near him.

Joseph Mills had started well and I noted this fact at the time and gave this opinion out to a few people sat near me. Kiss of Death. From that moment on it was like the ghost of Lee Todd had come down a possessed him. He was shocking. It all started with him being undecided as to whether to trap a ball before it bounced or wait for it. In the end he did neither and both, stop, start, stop, start, missed it. The ghost of Lee Todd was exorcised but unfortunately, it was replaced by the ghost of Francis Benali as a succession of passes forward skewed off his boot into the Kingsland. Then there was the free kick he took that sailed a good ten yards over the head of everyone and out for a goal kick. There is a one footed Heather Mills gag to put in here somewhere… answers on a postcard please. Lee Holmes was not helping him out at all on the left and he looked absolutely knackered after about 20 minutes, all red faced and puffing. Very strange.

In contrast, The three new defenders were all looking good. Fonte is obviously a class apart though he does tend to be all arms and legs when he jumps so will give away a fair few free kicks but I was more impressed than I thought I’d be by Seabourne who though relatively untested defensively, was strong in the air and hit some good passes into the feet of Lambert and Barnard.

It was 25 minutes before we managed a shot as the ball broke to he has never scored, Morgan Schneiderlin and true to form, he didn’t though his rasping shot from 25 yards was well hit but unfortunately, straight at the keeper. On 42 minutes we really should have taken the lead as a long throw from Antonio was flicked on by Sir Rickie to Barnard six yards out who powered a header straight at the keeper. There were signs that we were finally getting it together as the half drew to a close and Wottinho hit almost a carbon copy of Schneiderlin’s earlier effort, straight at the keeper… ho hum.

The first half had been mainly crap… and it was 0-0.

The single cell organism that sits behind me in the Kingsland was debating with himself at half time whether Jose was pronounced ‘Ho-zay’ or ‘Joe-zay’. He used the Mourinho argument and informed anyone who couldn’t get far enough away, that as Jose is Portuguese, the latter is correct. He then ruined this piece of insight by pronouncing Fonte, ‘Fan-ta’ .

In an unexpected show of sportsmanship, Saints played the first 15 minutes of the second half with 10 men and nothing was happening still. We were trying to play with a bit more urgency but it wasn’t happening for us until a fine cross by Otsemobor was again, headed straight at the keeper by Barnard who was beginning to look a bit frustrated with not scoring. Michail Antonio was then possessed by the ghost of Chicken George as he ran at the left back, beat him, got to the line and fell on his arse as the ball sailed into the Chapel End.

The course of the game was changed by two things. Firstly on 62 minutes, Pards replaced Barnard with Papa Waigo. Secondly, Schneiderlin decided that he would make it 11v11 again by actually touching the ball. Within seconds we were ahead as a Mills corner was punched by the Welsh keeper, straight onto Sir Rickie’s back, from which it bounced over the line. 1-0, scrappy goal, who cares. Rickie's brilliant with his back to goal.

It was then a different game with Schneiderlin and Holmes tearing up the left from where Homes actually beat a man and delivered a great cross which Waigo headed over. Waigo had given us some pace up front and he soon beat the offside trap (yes he did!) but was thwarted by the onrushing Fon Williams. We were to see the dance though as Otsemobor again put in a good cross from the right which Waigo controlled before confidently scoring to make it 2-0.

Antonio had a blast at the near post after a mazy run that was beaten away by the keeper and the last 5 minutes were played out mainly in our half as Stockport mounted a bit of token pressure.

In summary, it was a comfortable win against shocking opposition who are bottom of the league for a reason. I really can’t see that team beating anyone in League 2 next season either. As for Saints, well the first half was terrible and Pards admitted that afterwards but encouragingly, he knew what to do to change it round. Papa Waigo was the difference with his pace and ability to run in behind the defence as the Lambo-Barnard partnership needs work to gel properly as they are very similar in terms of pace.

I feel that Pards not picking what he thinks is his strongest side in matches at the moment and is mixing and matching to give some an extended rest. Harding for example would be in the best XI but has been benched for the last 4 games. I’m also guessing that Jaidi would be in 90% of fans starting line ups, including mine. The midfield was an issue today and I feel that Hammond is badly missed as he offers a bit of steel and a goal threat as well as leadership. It’ll be interesting to see how Puncheon fits into the scheme of things when his time comes. I felt there were decent performances today from Otsemobor, Fonte, Seabourne and Wottinho and a bit of a mixed bag from the rest.

Next up, Exeter away on Saturday and still 13 points off the playoffs.

Leage 1 Match 26 - Brentford 1 Southampton 1

I will eventually stick a picture as a 'Big Ask' right here. Watch this space

Being totally overshadowed by getting drawn against the Skates, was an away League game at Brentford who are one the teams we are going to have to overhaul if went want to get in the playoffs at the end of the season. Higher in the league than us they may be but it’s one of those games that we should be expected to win.

Changes from the cup tie with Ipswich were inevitable with the cup-tied Fonte, Otsemobor and Seabourne coming back in with Thomas, Perry and Jaidi dropping out. Antonio coming in for Holmes was the only other change meaning Barnard and Lambert started up front in a 4-4-2 formation.

Saints came out of the traps fast and for once turned it into an early lead as Lambert’s chip in from the left set up Lloyd James to fairly lash in from the edge of the box for his 2nd goal of the season. Now to push on a get a 2nd to put it to bed. Well, we did push on but could we get a second – could we bollocks. First off, Lallana was teed up by Barnard and curled a great shot onto the bar. Then Antonio brought down a cross from Barnard, turned the defender in one balletic falling down movement and got up and shot left footed, only for the keeper to make a good save low down. Brentford in truth were not offering much and Davis had to keep out one volley towards the end of the half which was probably going wide anyway. One for the cameras methinks.

On 34 minutes Saints were forced into a change with James hobbling off to be replaced by Schneiderlin, fresh from a miraculous reprieve from the Football League who decided his 3 match ban for mildly shoving that MK twat who grabbed him by the throat was only worth a 1 match ban. For some reason I felt that in an away game on Tuesday night, Schneiderlin’s presence makes the team weaker but if you looked at the bench, Pards didn’t have a lot of choice bar maybe bringing Jaidi or Thomas on and moving Fonte into midfield.

Half time, 1-0 to us but in the 2nd half I feel that we need to push on and make it happen, rather than just hope that it will. Again, we tried to make it happen and Barnard chased a through ball and the last defender slipped. The 17 goal man had just the keeper to beat and he took a touch, then he took another touch and another and another and then sidefooted it wide as eventually someone got back to him. In truth, it was a shit effort and that miss brought Brentford back into the match. From here on in, the only team making it happen were Brentford who started peppering Kelvin at regular intervals.

The referee got in on the act and decided to lend a helping hand when he decided that a cross that hit Wottinho’s hand from about three yards range was worthy of a penalty. I’ve seen it replayed a couple of times and it looks like a real home-town decision to me. Our Brazilian midfielder wasn't too impressed either and stomped over to the linesman (who had 1-1 in the sweepstake) and got a booking for his troubles. Up steps O’Connor and saved by super Kelv down to his right. Surely Saints would wake up after the escape and see the game out.

Not a bit of it.... in the 84th minute following another great save from Davis, the ball was crossed back into our box and no one had picked up the 7 foot bloke who was stood on the six yard line with no one within a mile of him. Fonte and Lambert were underneath the cross as it sailed over them and I’ve no idea where Seabourne was. The upshot was that Leon Legge had a free header which gave Super Kelv no chance. We’d done it again…. “One nil and you fucked it up” as the song goes.

Saints wake up in a frantic effort to rescue the two points that would not be going back on the team bus with them but it was too little too late and so once more, we had to settle for a point in a match that we were leading and really should have won comfortably.

Dammit. In previous away games like this one (and there have been many), I’ve always managed to see a positive in getting an away point or at least, in seeing us heading in the right direction. This one feels different though and it’s a poor result. Whilst our league form is not bad, not bad isn’t going to be good enough to get us in the playoff positions at the end of the year. If we’d held on for the win today we’d have been 11th whereas we are still 15th which tells you that a lot of teams are in reach but if you look a bit higher, there is now a gap of 13 points between Millwall in the last playoff spot and our good selves.

I will now use a phrase that many football pundits now use and in my opinion, it a stupid phrase. Why do we now say that it’s a ‘big ask’? Is that ‘big task’ with a letter missing? I got asked my opinion on something at work this week and said that it was a big ask and my female boss thought I said 'big ass' which was a bit embarrassing. Anyhow, it’s going to be difficult unless we go on a 5+ match winning run pretty soon, a big ask, in fact a big great fat wobbly ask.

Next up is Stockport at home which we really have to win. Keep the faith, he said through gritted teeth.

Here’s a league table… see for yourself.

6 Millwall 27 10 43
7 Huddersfield 25 19 42
8 MK Dons 27 4 42
9 Bristol R 25 -2 38
10 Brentford 27 -3 34
11 Carlisle 25 -3 32
12 Walsall 24 1 31
13 Yeovil 27 -4 31
14 Hartlepool 28 -9 31
15 Southampton 26 13 30

FA Cup 4th Round - Southampton 2 Ipswich 1

I met McCarthy for Dinner...

FA Cup 4th Round and a match v Ipswich Town, one of the form sides of the Championship, who are on a run of only one defeat in fifteen matches. Ipswich were my second favourite team in the 80s, the team with Thijssen, Muhren, Brazil, Mariner, Gates, Wark. It was however mainly due to the presence of Bobby Robson and I have to say it rankles a bit to see Roy ‘take that you c***’ Keane, who freely admitted to trying to maim another player (and who made a pretty good job of it) , doing Sir Bobby’s old job.

Saints for their part hit the transfer market again yesterday and brought in Lee Barnard from Southend who is the second highest scorer in League 1 this year behind Sir Rickie. Due to being suspended for Southend’s 3rd Round game, he was eligible to play today but other new boys Fonte, Seabourne and Otsemobor were not. There was a welcome Return of the Jaidi who came into the side with Holmes and Barnard, replacing Fonte, the suspended Schneiderlin and Antonio. I was approaching this game with a ‘whatever will be, will be’ attitude… I wanted us to win of course but wasn’t going to be too bothered if we didn’t. That’s how today started anyway…

The first fifteen minutes of the game were all about one man and he wasn’t wearing red and white and he wasn’t wearing blue. He was the referee and he started badly with endless needless stopping of the game for real nothing fouls. Both teams had started brightly with Ipswich looking neat in midfield and Saints looking lively up front with Lambert and Barnard both working hard. Not working hard up front for Ipswich was Stern John who was ambling about in his usual manner. He made the mistake of wandering to the left to pick a ball up and got ‘trained’ by Thomas the Tank who just chuffed straight through the back of him. A great foul… Stern didn’t seem to fancy it much after that.

On twenty minutes Saints attacked down the left with a cross from Holmes that was headed away towards Thomas in the right back slot. Despite a crap first touch, the crowd yelled ‘shooot’ and he did and fuck me, it arrowed right into the far top corner and was still going up as it went in. Amazing goal and I was sitting directly behind it as he hit it. Anyone remember a similar goal the great Ivan Golac scored at the Dell in the late 70s / early 80s ?

Ipswich were were busy and quick in the midfield but were let down by the forwards with the ever lumbering John being partnered with Walters who was getting no change at all out of Jaidi who was heading away a succession of balls with ease. It amazes me that teams don’t try and get Jaidi to turn because he turns like a very large boat. Ipswich managed two or three 20 yard plus efforts without every troubling their ex-keeper Kelvin Davis.

Saints for their part were looking ok but a bit too long ball for my liking. Lambert was winning his fair share but it’s clearly not Barnard’s game though he was working incredibly hard, coming back into the midfield to win the ball back. The first 45 had flown by and 1 minute extra was all there was. 1-0 up and can’t complain about that.

Conscious of being overrun in midfield, Pards dropped Barnard into a kind of right-midfield role and having the extra body in there meant that Saints started to exert some level of control with Wotton and James making their presence felt. Despite their efforts we were being forced back by Ipswich who stepped up a gear and I was having nightmares with the ghost of Davis past as the crosses came over and he stayed rooted to his line or tried to flap it away in a sea of obstructing players. We got away with it though until it looked like we’d made a complete balls of it when a long throw in from the left hand side was curiously left by Jaidi which wrongfooted Davis before ending up in our net. Luckily it was disallowed either for a push by Counago, or because no one touched it. Either way we were very very lucky not to concede what would have been a totally abysmal goal.

Antonio was brought on for Barnard with 20 left in at attempt to try and force Ipswich back a bit. Straight away you could see that the little Ipswich left back had to think more about defending than attacking when Antonio came on. Antonio is probably still an unknown quantity to many and so the left back had to track back just in case Antonio manages to keep a cross on the pitch.

On 73 minutes, a ball was played forward to Lambert who controlled (with his arm quite possibly) before being bumped to the ground, twenty yards out, just left of centre. It’s Rickie time. It’s a bit close to get the ball up and down so he smashed it low, the keeper spilled it and Antonio couldn’t miss from two yards. Keano – what’s the score? What we really needed then was a concerted chorus of ‘There’s only one Mick McCarthy’. It was nearly dreamland a few minutes later as an ipswich centre back miscued a header and Sir Rickie tried to surprise the keeper by belting it over him from 40 yards. It was a quite magnificent effort which landed on top of the net and was omitted from the abysmal ITV highlights program that evening. (Robbie Earle.... Jeezus)

Pards must take some of the blame for what happened at the end of the game when he took off James and Wotton within minutes of eachother and replaced them with Gillett and Lancashire. James had had a decent match in there and was all over the pitch and Wotton had got better as the game had gone on and is the sort of player you need on the pitch to close a game out. I guess though that at 2-0, with another game on Tuesday and James and Wotton being the only two fit and available central midfielders, we needed to protect them. Within a minute of the subs coming on we were under the cosh again with Gillett being bypassed and Lancashire not having a clue where to play or how to play it. To be fair he isn’t a midfielder and to be fair further, he isn’t a footballer. I always find it interesting to note that Gillett is listed as being 5ft 7. He looks about 5ft 3 to me.

Another partnership working well today was Joseph Mills and Lee Holmes down the left. Holmes has been out for ages and Mills has played a couple of games at Left midfield without looking decent and even managed to do a Robinho and get subbed when a sub a few weeks back. At left back though he’s much better and offers much going forward. Holmes has never been a favourite of mine but he plays with intelligence and puts over a lovely cross. I just wish he’d try and get to the line more. He’s not the quickest but take them on son!!!

Where were we.. oh yes. The midfield had gone to shit and 90 minutes were up and Counago pulled one back. Still, no worries, there haven’t been any injuries, it’ll be over soon. The fourth official has indicated there will be FIVE minutes’. You have to be taking the piss. Is this Fergie time left over from Keane’s time at The Theatre of Debt ?

I am now desperate for the game to end and am going to throw a major wobbler if we cock this one up. We deserve to go through and if we don’t, my cat is going to get a boot up its arse when I get home. As it turn out, the cat is saved and we survive without too many real scares.

So, through to the last 16 of the FA Cup and there are a few sides left I reckon we could beat, especially at home. A quarter final place would be a fantastic achievement for a League 1 club. Due to Pompey’s surprising win against Sunderland we still have the age old question of “Do we want to play the Skates ?” I still say no but you never know, whoever gets them may well be getting a bye.

Next up it’s Brentford away on Tuesday night and it must be the first time ever where you could easily imagine us replacing the entire back 4. Thomas, Jaidi, Perry and Mills played today but it could easily be Otsemobor, Fonte, Seabourne and Harding on Tuesday. Which defence is the stronger? We now have a strength in depth which is quite remarkable and a testament to the investment Markus Liebherr is putting in. Todays win against a good Championship side shows where we are in terms of ability in the side and it feels good. Keano, what’s the score….

UPDATE:

As you will no doubt be aware by now, we got the Skates at home. Personally I would rather have played them away as there would have been absolutely no expectation on us to win and they'd have made less money out of it, especially if they didn't sell out their end after their massive 10,000 gate v Sunderland on Saturday. At home I feel we have a shout and who knows what sort of team they'll have by the time the game comes round. It is entirely possible that three or four could have been sold and with what's been going on down there, you never know but some players may have quit after not being paid yet again. Also of course, they may have been wound up by HMRC who have the Skates in Court four days before the game. Whatever happens, it gets people talking. Their fans are expecting to win and if they do, then aside from the sick feeling of losing to those bastards at home, we'll get over it. If we win however, imagine how they'll feel... Perfect scenario for me is that we draw at SMS and then go down there and win on penalties in front of the Fratton End.

JPT Southern Final 1st Leg - MK Dons 0 Southampton 1

Groundstaff prepare the World Cup pitch at stadium:mk

It’s 6.45 and I’m in the pub, my usual pub with my usual football watching pint of Guinness. It’s a tactical Guinness because I can’t drink them quickly – if I drink lager when watching football then I’ve got an empty glass every 15 minutes and I end up completely shedded. Trying to work the day after a lager evening watching the play off defeat to Derby (120mins plus penalties) is one of those memories that never goes away.

It’s JPT time again with us away at the stadium:mk – what a wanky name, especially when written in lower case letters like it always seems to be. This is one of the grounds earmarked to be developed should England win the bid to host the World Cup in 2018 with Milton Keynes being the hotbed of football that it is – all that history and tradition etc.

So, Guinness in hand and the TV is on with no sound and the teamsheet is flashed upon screen. Due to a combination of injuries (Hammond), illness (Harding) and being cup tied (Seabourne and Otsemobor), there are a total of five changes with Holmes dropping to the bench. Into the side came Thomas, Perry and Mills to the defence and Antonio and Wotton to the midfield. Instead of reverting to Davis as captain as you would expect, Pards gave the armband to Jose Fonte in only his second start.

Away we go and Saints tear into them from the off and nearly take he lead in the first minute as after staying forward, Captain Fonte controlled well and lashed a shot just wide. Two things were immediately obvious, one was that Saints were well up for it and looked by far the stronger side and the other was that the pitch was like a ploughed field. Antonio went on a mazy run and after beating a player had to check back when confronted with a cabbage and some turnips.

A glorious chance presented itself ten minutes in with Antonio breaking down the right with Lallana streaking in the middle from the left. The whole pub (well, me anyway) stood and yelled ‘pass it’ but Antonio didn’t get his head up and allowed the covering defender to get to him whilst Lallana stood in the middle with his arms in the air making vague flappy motions.

Lallana got his chance for real a few minutes later when again, Antonio burst clear and this time squared it. The covering defender tripped over a cabbage and left Lallana with just the ball and a load of time for company. Instead of taking a touch he took it first time and half hit it straight at the keeper who flapped it away. How many more chances were we going to create without scoring? Answer… none.

A free-kick from Mills on the left was headed on by Lambert where Michail Antonio controlled before swivelling and firing in off of the far post. Great finish and a thoroughly deserved lead. The camera pans to what appears to be a cardboard cut out of Paul Ince in the stand.

Last week I said that I very rarely note an opposition player anymore but I have to say that Jason Puncheon looks a very good player for Milton Keynes. He scored a good free kick against us at SMS and tonight he was looking like the only player who would cause us any problems. Meanwhile, the World Cup pitch was getting worse as the game went on and on first view, I thought it was responsible for James going over in the penalty area. On replay though, he was hoofed up in the air by a clumsy challenge and as they say …”I’ve seen ‘em given”. It’s still really all Saints and Lambert lined up a 30 yard free-kick. Trouble for Rickie now is that there is a level of expectation so when he misses (by bloody miles this time) there is a tangible disappointment.

And that was it. They changed the fucking channel over to the Liverpool v Spurs game. Every second Dubliner is a Liverpool fan and the pub I was in could only show one Sky Channel. My first and most reasonable argument was that the Liverpool game didn’t kick off until 8pm in half an hour but the barman was probably a fucking plastic Scouser so wanted to watch the preamble. My second argument that Liverpool were shit, our game would be better and the fat waiter would get sacked after the game was a bit less reasonable. It was time for a one man pub crawl in search of the game. The next pub I went in was showing the Liverpool game and the Villa / Blackburn Carling Cup Semi. It’s a good job I didn’t try to argue that our game would be better entertainment than that game as it ended 6-4. I realised then that I was not going to find it and headed home. Half time text as I was walking home in the rain, 1-0 to the mighty Yellows.

At home, the internet connection was down and things are not going well. There is no mention of the game on the radio so all I have is internet commentary on my phone which is not great and costs a fortune. Needs must though… it still reads like it’s mostly Saintsand the time ticks on. Holmes is on for Lallana and he immediately gets booked for kicking the ball away. Nice one.

Ten minutes to go and still 1-0 and not much in terms of goal threat from the Fake Dons and then Schneiderlin gets sent off for handbags after pushing the guy who provoked him. It’s frustrating and the ref should have handled it better but by the letter of the law he had to go and so we were down to 10 men. Regardless, we repelled the little amount of pressure that was put on us and won by what I would call a comfortable 1-0.

The aftermath of the game was dominated by some comments by the Fake Dons assistant manager who was not impressed by the Saints players and fans celebrations after the game. After all it was only half time and we were apparently celebrating like we’d already won it. If memory serves, we got the hump with Derby after the first leg of the playoff semi final when we lost at home. At the time I thought it was pretty naff to mention it in public as it just sounded like sour grapes and this time is no different. Why not celebrate anyway… you’ve just gone away from home and won. I’d like for Billy Nomates MK Fake Dons assistant manager to write a guideline for celebrating a win in the away leg of a two legged fixture. Apparently they’re going to use it for motivation. Is he suggesting that his players weren’t motivated and they will be for the return leg. Moron – shut up, you got outplayed by the better side and all that despite giving us a cabbage patch to play on.

It’s the return of everyone’s favourite Irish Psychopath Roy Keane on Saturday with Saints taking on Ipswich in the 4th Round of the FA Cup. I think we have a decent chance in this one but Pards is going to struggle with the selection especially in the centre of midfield with Hammond injured and now Schneiderlin suspended. Wotton will play and I assume be partnered with James if he’s not needed at right back. Thing is that I think he will be as all three of the new defenders are cup tied so Thomas will have to play centre back with Perry unless he throws in Aaron Martin. An alternative could be to play James at right back and bring Oscar Gobern Carlton Palmer into the midfield. Doesn’t matter who we pick… Bring it on.

League 1 Match 25 - Millwall 1 Southampton 1

Gratuitous Funny Picture of Dave Merrington

It seems like an age since we had a game, courtesy of the Huddersfield postponement due to the snow. I personally took the opportunity to have a break and so have not blogged on Saints for a while and quite a bit has happened. The transfer window has opened and three new players have arrived : Jose Fonte, Dan Seabourne and Jon Otsemobor.

Fonte is an amazing signing when you consider he was a regular for Crystal Palace in the Championship. It’s remarkable what a bit of cash in a cash-strapped times can do. The CV (in the form of comments from Palace fans) seems very good and he’s the right age at 26. He of course had come into the squad in place of the departing Trotters and while I’m sure he’ll be a more than adequate replacement on the pitch, he will not provide us with nearly the same comedy value.

Dan Seabourne was next and his signing illustrated to me how different it is being in League 1 and me personally being older. I remember the days when I knew every player in our division… you had Match of the Day, Panini stickers, Shoot Magazine etc etc…. now, with a couple of exceptions, I have no idea who the opposition players are, even if we played against them a few weeks back. Seabourne played against us and we won 3-1 and I can honestly say I don’t remember whether he had a brilliant game or a shocker. When we signed him, Pards said he had a good game against us so it would have been interesting if he’d scored an own goal and been sent off or something.

Jon Otsemobor is the answer the quiz question… Which Liverpool player got shot in the ass in 2003 ? Most people think it was Robbie Fowler by Graeme le Saux but I digress… Semi, or Semaphore is a right back and I did notice him playing against us for Norwich in the league at SMS when he came on as a sub. When he came on I remember telling someone that this was the guy who got shot in the ass. He’s very quick but apparently prone to dozing off. I assume he was the player that Pards was after who ‘was not doing to well at his present club’. I was hoping for Robinho myself…

We have also had the story of Elliott Ward nearly signing from Coventry and then us pulling out when we signed Seabourne. This seemed to upset well known whiny bastard Chris Coleman, so for that reason alone was completely worth it.

So, two centre backs and a right back signed which replaced Trotters, covered Murty and his injuries and got Lloyd James away from right back. I think the signing of an extra centre back also tells you that Thomas and Perry will both be on their way at the end of the season, if not before. Before the window closes I believe we need a new midfielder and a new striker to cover for Lambert cos if he gets injured, we are in the brown stuff. The season Part 2 starts at Millwall.

It was a minor shock to discover that all three of the new defenders were in the starting XI and I was totally flabbergasted to see Lee Holmes in the side as I would have expected Nick Holmes to be higher in the pecking order. In truth, Holmes would have been one of the first out the door if I was in charge as he’s always injured and when he’s not, he floats like a butterfly and stings like one. He was in on the left of midfield because Lallana had been pushed up front to partner Lambert with Connolly only fit for the bench. James was on the right of midfield with Hammand and Schneiderlin in the centre. The three new lads were in defence along with Harding with Davis in goal in place of the unfortunate Bart who had brought down the goals per game conceded average and not been responsible for any goal conceded. Tough call but that’s what a manager gets paid for I guess.

The first notable action of the came after a nice break by Lallana was abruptly and cynically ended by the Millwall skipper who escaped a booking because the referee was somewhere else at the time. Merrington was on fire on Solent with an assertion that it would have been a card in the Premier League which is probably true but it is also completely irrelevant. From the resulting free-kick, Lambo managed for once to miss the target.

The next notable action was on the half hour as Davis pulled off a fine double save to deny Millwall the lead. Each save was one finger each up to those, including me, who said that Bart should have been in goal. You can usually say with double saves that you only had to make the second one because you should have done better with the first but this was a genuine one – two very good saves.

To the collective groan of a vast majority of Saints fans, Hammond could no longer continue after picking up an achilles injury and was replaced on 36 minutes with Paul Wotton who brought agricultural grunt to the proceedings. It appeared at this stage that some was needed as Millwall were certainly mixing it but if you had the choice, the lightweight Schneiderlin would have been the one sacrificed. Half Time 0-0

Saints were asleep at the start of the second half and a Millwall forward found himself one on one with Davis in the opening minute of the 2nd half. Faced with the Shilton-esque intimidating bulk of the Saints stopper coming towards him, he shat himself and put it wide. Our two new central defenders seemed to be acquitting themselves well and in an act of symmetry, both managed to get acquainted with the referee in picking up a yellow each.

Still 0-0 and Pards tried to go for the win by introducing Antonio for James on the right. He immediately scared the hell out of them with a run and cross dowm the right, followed by a barnstorming run down the middle which ended with him shooting wide. By this time he’d been pushed up front alongside Lambo with Lallana coming to the right hand side. Antonio is clearly better as a sub and I suspect he’ll remain in that role for much of the rest of the season. Time for another attacking sub by Pards with Waigo coming on for Lallana but 90 minutes were up and I suspected that that was that. 0-0 away with three new defenders… not bad I thought.

I was out and about in the car at this point and managed to blag a bit of Radio Solent commentary but it was impossible to hear properly over whining daughters who were complaining that they had to listen to blokes talking about football rather than listening to a CD. There are times when I would rather listen to a High School Musical CD than listen to Dave Merrington but this wasn’t one of them. we got home and 90 minutes were up and I’d decided that no one would score so I switched off and went inside. Two minutes later I was on the internet and “LAMBERT 90+2” was staring me in the face….. Beauty !!!!!!.

Full Time – Millwall 1 Southampton 1… what the fuck ?

Then two texts on the phone… Lambert 90 followed by Trotter 90. Multiple swear words. I genuinely believed that the 1-1 result given out was a typo. How could I be so stupid.. this is Saints after all. Even though he’s now gone, the ghost of Neal Trotman haunts the Saints with a goal by Trotter. Bugger it.

If you want calm reflection and keeping things in context then don’t read a Saints message board after a defeat… oh, hang on, we drew away from home to a decent side. The Samaritans should monitor those boards for people who should be on suicide watch. Facts are that we ended up with a result that we would have taken before the game and we lost our captain who is one of our most influential players in the first half. If it had ended 0-0 then no one would have been on suicide watch and we would have moved on and most people would have been praising up the new defenders for a clean sheet and how brave Pards was to put them all in straight away. Because we happened to score with a deflection and then let one in, it’s suicide time. I am not for one second saying that it’s not bloody annoying that we dozed off and conceded late…

Next up, it’s JPT Southern Final against the Fake Dons away at their World Cup Stadium on Wednesday. I will be in the Horseshow House in Ballsbridge, Dublin if anyone fancies it…

A Level You Wouldn't Believe

"Goodnight La La"

In 'Bedtime Story', we were introduced to the following characters:

The Man Without Pot – Kidney stoned man with no money but a lot of bullshit
Pretend Previous Owner – Public Face of Previous Ownership
Real Previous Owner - As stated
Conspiring Employee – Jackanory Story Teller

Bedtime Story finished with another new owner on the horizon….

…and lo and behold, into view came a Mirage, not your normal mirage with a palm tree and some water and Melanie Sykes dispensing Boddingtons out of an ice cream van, but a Money Mirage. The Money Mirage was the brainchild of the Conspiring Employee who had promised that along with the Money Mirage would come a rise to a level you wouldn’t believe. This at the time was seen to be a positive thing. The Man Without Pot sold 90% of what he hadn’t paid for to the Money Mirage who paid for the 90% with a fifteen million doubloon loan from Loan Shark 1, secured against the Falling Down Park where La La Land played games. By remarkable coincidence, Loan Shark 1 had recently sued the Real Previous Owner for monies owed for some other reason.

The Money Mirage soon had a problem when it emerged that the employees of La La Land, including the Conspiring One, needed paying and this payment was required a week after a religious holiday which made it completely impossible without a trip to Loan Shark 2. Another two million doubloons was borrowed, secured against the Falling Down Park where La La Land played games. The Money Mirage then realised that he had accidentally stepped within his thousand mile exclusion zone from La La Land and moved back a few yards for fear of being contaminated.

The loan sharkery in general was beginning to raise doubts in the mind of the few supporters of La La land but they were distracted when surprisingly, the results at Falling Down Park improved when they got a draw. Despite this improvement, the Manager of Games in La La Land was sacked but no one really knows who by. The sacked man broke into a smile for the first time in years, having previously worn the look of a man who had gone home to see that his house had burnt down. The Money Mirage said nothing and the Man Without Pot said he disagreed with the decision.

The Conspiring Employee had been moved out of the loop and went job, sorry Investment hunting in Australia. This may have had something to do with the Lords of the Land charging him, the man known as Satchel Face and the man who was the Real Previous Owner Once Removed with Tax Evasion. The only connection between these three potential tax evaders was that they all worked for La La Land in the past which is just one massive coincidence. In the Conspiring Employees stead, to advise on the financial runnings of La La Land, came Convicted Fraudster who had prior knowledge of finance and how to generate some when all normal avenues have been exhausted. With Conspiring Employee out of the picture and Convicted Fraudster operating in a silent way, I have assumed that La La Land was now run by Faceless Kings.

Out of cold storage came Baron Greenback who was decamped in Germany awaiting a work permit to take up his role as Director of Games. He arrived at the club as the new Manager of Games, just as his work permit to be Director of Games came through so he had to manage without really being a manager. The Conspiring Employee said this was just an ‘Administrative issue’ and more of those later.

A pesky minor second administrative issue occurred when the Her Majesty’s Revenue Commission decided that her Majesty needed a new hat and as a result, a substantial amount of money that was owed, should be paid to Her Majesty pretty damn pronto. How could this be? They had never asked for it before and the Faceless Kings of La La Land were shocked and the Faceless Kings of La La Land were surprised no less. ‘It’s a mistake’ they cried. With that, everyone piled in with a Frenchman making a perfectly unreasonable request to have the money for something he had sold to La La Land six months ago. The Frenchman pointed to a clause in a contract that said ’11 games then pay’ but the Faceless Kings countered that it didn’t really mean 11 when we agreed it. The impudence of the French is quite staggering sometimes.

It was the season of goodwill and in La La Land, the employees needed paying again, not just the highly paid Conspiring Employee and the highly paid Playing Employees but the lowly paid as well who probably needed the money to put Christmas together for their families. Lo, the Money Mirage stepped in and everyone was saved only for the file not to be loaded properly at the bank. Oh damn you adminstative issue !!! how could you be so cruel, at Christmas as well. The Conspiring Employee, who obviously didn’t find a job or investment in Australia, revealed his best guess which was that they would get a short term loan for another couple of million doubloons from Loan Shark 1, 2 or 3 to 50 inclusive. This new loan was of course to make up for that pesky file not being loaded properly at the bank. The delay in acquiring this small loan was because they were working on acquiring a much much bigger and better loan, presumably one you don’t have to pay back.

The order as given by someone Faceless to sell anything that wasn’t nailed down but unfortunately, all the nails could have been sold in the summer because there was nothing of any value left. Greenback meanwhile, stated that he needed to spend more money on more Playing Employees.

Out of the woodwork came Pretend Previous Owner who was on a mission to recover the pocket money he had been given by the Real Previous Owner. His charm offensive included pondering who the real owner of La La Land was which is highly ironic when you think about it. Maybe he should ask the Real Previous Owner who he sold it to, just a thought.... His pondering was an attempt to work out who he would send the bill to for the 25 million doubloons he was owed. The hand of the Pretend Pervious Owner had been forced by a decree from the Keepers of the League that they would withhold the money from the Sky that was due to go to the La La Land coffers and use it to pay off other creditors, creditors who were under their jurisdiction. The trouble was that if those creditors are not satisfied first, then the Keepers of the League decree that la La Land would be persona non-grata and they would take their ball away and leave them with no one to play with. The Pretend Previous owner had previously thought the money from the Sky was his for the taking for settlement of his pocket money bill.

Whilst appearing to be doing the right thing regarding the money from the Sky, let us not forget that the Keepers of the League had sanctioned both the Man Without Pot and the Money Mirage as Fit and propers persons to run La La Land. They are also concerned with the potential damage to their 'brand' and for that they should burn in hell.

The Fans of La La Land finally awoke and protested when all thirty of them shouted ‘Ug’ and the more literate shouted ‘Ug Ug Ug’ out in the street. A Playing Employee was sent out to talk to the baying gathering but he didn’t speak Ug and so sadly, nothing was achieved.

And until next time, they all lived happily ever after, at a level you wouldn't believe.

THE END (perhaps)

Note from the author: It’s a good job that none of this is true otherwise it would be a bit fucking ridiculous and far fetched wouldn’t it….?

FA Cup 3rd Round - Southampton 1 Luton 0

Look at what you could have won !

FA Cup Third Round and a visit from Luton Town to St.Mary’s. When you get a non-League Club at home it is usually someone you’ve never heard of or at least, a team from a place you’ve only heard of due to previous FA Cup matches. Luton are in their first year out of the League as a result of their inevitable relegation following the 30 point deduction they got from Mawhinney the Arse at the end of the 2007/8 season. As a Saints fan I have many memories of Luton and what comes to mind is plastic pitches, away fan bans, Steve Twat Foster and an FA Cup game in the early 90s where I missed the game as I waited for my lift at M27 Rownhams Services…. on the wrong side. Doh!!!

That particular game ended in a 1-1 draw and the replay at The Dell was 6-0 to us, a result that would do us very nicely today. In reality though, just getting through would be the order of the day, especially as we looked a bit makeshift. Neither Jaidi nor Connolly were fit and with Trotman having returned to Preston (where he didn’t even make the match day squad), Pards called in Perry and Papa Waigo to make up the numbers. Kelvin Davis returned in goal in place of Bart which I think was a bit harsh considering Bart has done nothing wrong at all in his 8 or so games. A scary indication of the strength of the bench was that the walking red card / own goal that is Ollie Lancashire was on there, having been recalled from his loan spell at Grimsby.

Due to the odd ticketing for this game, I was away from my Season Ticket seat in the central Kingsland and much lower down in the Kingland / Northam corner. Despite having spent 30 odd years watching from the Milton End at The Dell, it now feels very odd to be watching from one end. Maybe it was the totally empty Chapel End that made it all look a bit strange.

The game began and my assumption that Waigo would be up front was dispelled by him lining up on the left with Lallana partnering Lambert up top. Saints looked very shaky for the first 10 minutes with the wily Gallen causing problems for Wayne 12 points in particular, who was not dominating in the air like we needed him to with Jaidi and Trotters missing.

Most of Saints attacking play was coming down our right hand side where Antonio was doing his impression of the Bermuda Triangle where the ball goes in and never comes out again. He either falls over, forgets the ball, drills it into the nearest defender or occasionally when he finds a yard of space, crosses it straight to the keeper. On the other side, Waigo was giving the right back a few worries and this culminated in him being booted up in the air for his troubles earning a yellow card for the perpetrator. From fully, 35 yards and left-ish, Lambert produced a stunning free-kick which was expertly clawed away by Pilkington in the Luton goal.

On 36 minutes Saints pushed forward and Lallana got into a challenge with Nicholls near the edge of the Luton box. As is usual, the opponent stood his ground and Lallana fell over but it was enough for the referee to give us a free kick 25 yards out and central. Whilst I was pondering what a crap decision it was in our favour, Lambert stopped me pondering the injustices of it all by curling in a wonderful free-kick to give the keeper no chance at all. 1-0, any chance of floodgates ?

We had a glorious chance to double the lead a minute or so later as Schneiderlin’s cross was headed goalwards at close range by Hammond but a combination of keeper and defender managed to smuggle it away. With my ‘different’ persepective due to my seat, I got a better than usual idea of what the opposition fans were like… they were morons and the odd missile landed on the pitch. Also, I have never understood and I never will understand, going to a match and not watching it but staring at the nearest opposition supporter who is at 90 degress to the direction you should be looking.

Half time and the news of The Skates being 1-0 down at home to Coventry came through to much amusement followed by 5 of the worst attempts to score a goal into an empty net from the half way line that I have ever seen.

A double substitution for Luton at the start of the second half meant that Luton were disorganised and Saints nearly went 2-0 in the opening 15 seconds but unfortunately the chance fell to Antonio. Luton then took over and an equalizer seemed inevitable, never more so than when two players mis-kicked when in front of goal about 3 yards out. Throughout this period of Luton pressure, one player stood out and was having a great game. he never gets many plaudits but Wayne Thomas was immense, not only winning headers and heading it 30 yards up the pitch but also coolly mopping things up.

Pards responded to Luton’s pressure by unpredictably throwing on Matt Paterson and predictably hauling off Antonio who made his most purposeful run of the day as he went off down the tunnel. Paterson immediately made a difference, giving defenders the hurry up and fashioning a chance for Lambert which he attempted to curl into the far corner. Sadly, it started wide and finished wider. Paterson then managed a shot himself but this flew wide.

Having weathered what would turn out the be the worst of the Luton storm, Pards threw on Carlton Gobern-Palmer for Waigo and then, alarmingly, Lancashire for Hammond but Saints managed to see it out before Ollie could do any damage or get himself sent off. The four minutes that he managed without a card or giving a goal away, beat his previous record by two minutes.

Well, we didn’t play particularly well but we got through. Luton, in all fairness were a decent side who tried to play the right way and for the first half an hour of the second half were the better side. They tailed off a bit for the last 15 or 20 and I did feel fairly confident that we’d keep the 1-0, even when Ollie came on. In summary though, I’d say Luton gave us a better game than many of the League 1 sides we’ve played this season and could easily have got a replay.

In the next round I’d like a home draw against shit side please. With the Skates still in the draw after managing a draw at home to Coventry in front of the best 11,000 fans in the world there will be many who want to play them but I’m not one of them unless it’s at home and we can set the prices to 50p a ticket so they don’t get any money from the game. Mind you, if we get them away and it turns out to be their last ever game, the Match Programme will be worth loads in years to come. On Sunday, all will be revealed….

Our squad is in need of boosting and boosted I’m sure it will be. We are one dominant centre back short with Trotters having gone back. Thomas had a great game today when they took off their big centre forward but we need another really big lump in the squad, especially if, as it seems, Jaidi can’t play three games a week. Another pressing need is up front where because of a similar injury situation with Connolly, we are short of numbers. Also, Lambert had looked desperately tired the last five or so matches so we really could do with any new forward being a big ‘back to goal’ type striker.

2010 has started in an ultimately positive way for the Saints with 18.700 fans seeing us win. Winning is really all that matters in any football match but in the FA Cup it is especially the case. I honestly wouldn’t swap our future for many teams right now.

Next up, Huddersfield at home.