Bedtime Story

A Fit and Proper Person, last week...

A little story to take our minds off of losing to Bristol Rovers…

One day, not so long ago, in a place not far away, a Premiership Football Club got itself into the sticky brown stuff by borrowing shedloads of money and living beyond its means without giving a thought to the fact that people who lend money, at some point will want it back. The Pretend Previous Owner wanted to sell but the only taker was a Fit and Proper Person with billions in the bank who, when it came down to handing the money over, despite being proven to be Fit and Proper by the Lords of the Land, turned out to be a man without a pot to piss in.

It came to pass after damaging delay that Man Without Pot did take over the (soon to be ex-) Premiership Football Club. He managed to finally complete the deal after the Pretend Previous Owner accepted his bid of IOU’s, empty rhetoric and wind. The Pretend Previous Owner, having sold everything that wasn’t nailed down, accepted this bid out of spite when he deemed that a bid from a rival consortium, headed by a conspiring current employee, was not acceptable because a member of said consortium had a legal issue with the Actual Previous Owner, who was in fact the father of the Pretend Previous Owner, probably, maybe, possibly, allegedly…

Man Without Pot, took control and publicly placed his faith in the Conspiring Current Employee in a move smacking of ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. Man Without Pot had previously claimed to have real friends who promised to lend him lots of money but when the Lords of the Land asked for their names, they all ran away including Tinkerbell who had suddenly run out of fairy dust and Aladdin’s Genie who had unexpectedly run out of wishes.

Meanwhile, the Conspiring Current Employee become a hero with the Club’s fans by making a few patronising statements thereby somehow glossing over his role in the whole financial mess which started all this off. The fans wanted to blame the pantomime villain known only as Satchel Face and not their new hero who, after all, was the second in command (if you ignore the Pretend Previous Owner) and you would think he would have at least some say in the financial strategy of the club.

Man Without Pot then disappeared off to America for a few weeks only to return for home matches looking like an overfilled plastic bag with a hat on, in his ‘Large Boys’ size away kit. Whilst away he span fantastic tales on other peoples websites of searching for new friends to lend him money and promised to come back to his new home and tell the fans all about it. He then changed his mind and decided to cancel the meeting so as not to distract the players who after all, were doing so well. Man Without Pot was loudly abused by the Conspiring Current Employee before changing his mind and holding the meeting anyway, having obviously decided that this would not have a detrimental effect on the players performance levels. He was of course correct, as the next result was consistent with the previous six.

At the meeting, Man without Pot announced that he would ‘inject £50million’, which is a hell of a lot of drugs. Not drugs you fool but £50million of money into the club… money which if it actually exists, has been borrowed from other people who will one day want it back etc….

Round we go and start again….

There are two jokes here. One is a very bad one on the Portsmouth fans and one is that the Premier League could sanction this complete clown as a Fit and Proper owner of a club.

League 1 Match 10 - Southampton 2 Bristol Rovers 3

Patience is a virtue. When Rickie Lambert signed for Saints, I had a quick look on Bristol Rovers message boards and it seemed that the Gasheads world had come to an end. They had lost their main goalscorer and had no replacement. The Chairman should go and the manager should go and everything was bad. A quick glance at the league table shows that they have managed to find a life after Lambo and are currently sitting in 3rd place, 21 places above the big bad Saints.

All the talk in the build up from the Saints camp had been of the prospect of two home games in a week and a chance to get in positive points and start aiming to move up the table. Jaidi, Lambert and Pardew had all been saying this but disappointingly, no one had said ‘we want to get to one before the Skates’. Team news saw Joseph Mills return to the bench with Papa Waigo getting his first start up front with Lallana moving to the left of midfield. Lloyd James and Jacob Mellis made up an impressive and creative looking right hand side.

I’m missing my first home League game of the season as I’m working in Dublin, so my dad has got my ticket and is taking one of his pensioner mates to the game meaning that SFC are getting a pensioner on a full price seat and I hope Markus and Nicola appreciate that. I will be ringing the old man at half time to find out what’s going on so I can fill in the blanks between my BBC text updates on my mobile phone which over the course of the evening, will be costing me a fortune in roaming charges.

I’m hitting ‘refresh’ with abandon throughout the half, in the knowledge that I won’t be able to pay my mortgage this month once I get my mobile bill. It’s all worthwhile as I read that Lallana has been set up by Lambert for 1-0. It’s not so worthwhile when I see that Chris Dickson has made it 1-1.

As I said, I rang the old man at half time and my mum answers it. The pillock has left his mobile at home so I’m none the wiser as to who is the better side etc.

The second half stars and we’re flying at the by the sound of it and soon enough it’s 2-1 as Lambert sets up WAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLL !!!!!!!!! If I was writing the BBC Text , it would say ‘Goal by Papa Waigo who does a stupid dance’. Later it transpires that it’s not his goal at all but Lambert’s as his header was already over the line so Waigo has now done two goal dances at SMS, one when he wasn’t playing and another when someone else scored. I’m assuming that we’re on our way now and am anticipating a 3-1 win. However, Bristol Rovers and Jo Kuffour have other ideas as he makes it 2-2 in the 65th minute.

The text updates have stopped at 93 minutes. I haven’t given up hope if a win but the realist in me is saying that we’re not going to get a late goal for the 2nd game running. What I was not expecting was a 95th minute text to say that Bristol Rovers had snatched it in the last minute. Deflated, gutted, you name it. Not only are we still on negative points but the ‘hard to beat’ aura that we had been building up had gone. Not only that, it was of course our first home defeat of the season and he defence that I thought was going to be really solid has shipped three goals at home. Not a good night.

So, a few steps forward and then a great big welly in the nuts. I’ll not be reading the message boards tonight but in the words of the Kaiser Chiefs, I Predict a Riot. Calm is what we need but more importantly, we need to win big time on Saturday. Bring on Gillingham, still on -1, patience is still a virtue.

League 1 Match 9 - Carlisle 1 Southampton 1

Saints Travel Club Coach 7 arrives at Brunton Park

Carlisle is a long way away, 336 miles to be exact. You head for the North Pole and stop about 10 minutes before you get there. If you get together a team of Huskies, a sled and enough supplies and make that journey to go and watch your team then you are a complete hero and needless to say, I wasn't. 15 odd years ago I'd have been in the 900-odd hardy souls making the trip in the hope that Saints could continue their unbeaten run and maybe get their first away win of the season. As it was I was at home but I was certainly expecting something from this game.

Strange goings on during the week where it was both worrying and encouraging to read that Alan Pardew had spotted signs of complacency in the squad following last weeks win against Yeovil. It's worrying that any player can just expect to roll up and win when we are bottom of the league on negative points but it's also encouraging that the manager has spotted it and publicly stated that it's not happening on his watch. I wonder who the specific players were that he was talking about. My money is on the 'oh so soft' academy graduate players who have been with us for the past few years of total shambles and mis-management. I can imagine Jan Poortvliet telling the players that 'we have won once in ten matches boysh, sho we have no need to make a goal'. Christ he was a moron.

The Saints team showed a few changes with Thomas being injured and therefore unable to add to his record streak of 4 consecutive games between injuries. His place at right back was taken by Lloyd James with Jacob Mellis coming into the midfield. Also into the side was Joseph Mills to hopefully add genuine width to the side but disappointingly, it was at the expense of a forward with Saganowski returning to the bench.

I'm at a family meal thing so I'm not following the first half at all but at 3.45 I manage a quick gander at BBC Sport and we're 0-0.

The second half is progressing and I'm despatched to the shop to go and buy an essential that has been omitted from the shopping list. On the radio, Saints are attacking and Jacob Mellis is clean through. Now... the curious case of Jacob Mellis. By all accounts including my own, he's a lightweight who is not really adding anything to the side at the moment. It must be quite a tricky situation when you take a player on loan from a big club (Chelsea in this case) and he's pony. Chelsea obviously loaned us the player in the hope he plays regularly and gains experience. If he'd been any good then of course, no problem as everybody wins but as it is, he's been the polar opposite so he's in and out of the side but Saints won't want to annoy Chelsea as we may need to borrow another player off of them another time. We had a similar situation a year or so back with a lad called Stephen O'Halloran from Aston Villa who was not even a footballer. He doesn't make the 'Worst Saints XI Ever' simply because Lee Todd played the same position. Martin O'Neill got the right hump when he played one game before being consigned to the 'thanks but no thanks' pile. So... back to the game and the aforementioned Chelsea starlet is clean through with just the keeper to beat and a golden chance to show why he plays for Chelsea and England U19s and why he's so highly rated. Does he take this golden chance? Nope. Muppet.

Two minutes later and Carlisle's Scott Dobie (who is not a starlet, and will never play for Chelsea) gets a similar chance and buries it. 1-0 down and petulant kick of the inside of the car door by me.

Back home and my mood is not great as it looks like we're about to lose. It's 4.55 and I'm relying on text goal alerts again.

I'm giving up hope and being a miserable sod and my pocket has gone vibration crazy. Sneaking out again I can see that I have two messages again which had happened a few times already this season. One will be a goal and one will be the final score.

God bless Radhi Jaidi. 1-1, 96 minutes. I'm back in the room and smiling... everyone notices.

To be honest, I'm happy enough with a point and keeping the run going though I'm not over enamoured with playing one up front in any game. We really should be looking to take the game to the opposition in a vast majority of the away games and in my opinion, packing the midfield and leaving Rickie Lambert isolated up front is not the way to do this. Lambo is many things but Drogba or Torres he is not so I don't think that playing him up front alone is the answer. I really hope that one of Saganowski or Papa Waigo is in the side to partner Lambo against his former employers, Bristol Rovers at SMS on Tuesday night.

Obligingly, the Skates have lost again and still have their 100% record and zero points. We are -1.

League 1 Match 8 - Southampton 2 Yeovil 0

Saints defence says : Where do think you're going pal ?

Another SMS Saturday, another chance to get our first win of the season. I felt confident and here's why... the sun was shining, Saints had just got a point at League leaders Charlton, we were at full strength, we were playing Yeovil who were on a long winless run and also, best of all.... Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest had been replaced behind me with three glorious shiny empty seats. It was surely a sign that today was surely, going to be the day...

Team news and Jaidi is in for his debut. Even watching him during the warm up you can see that he's absolutely huge and though I feel a bit sorry for Chris Perry who has been dropped despite not playing badly at all, it's good to see the man mountain starting. Saganowski is up front so Joseph Mills misses out in the re-shuffle and is on the bench along with Papa Waigo. I'm disappointed that Mills is not in the side as he offers natural width and his exclusion means we are more likely to funnel everything down the middle. Lloyd James will be offering no width on the right and will doubtless be attempting to cross from the half way line again and Lallana will be meandering and wandering and not providing width on the left.

Saints start well and get on the front foot and it's obvious straight away that Yeovil are struggling to deal with Rickie Lambert. Within five minutes they change tactics and have two men marking him the whole time which should mean more space for Saga. Lambo is winning his fair share but Saga is struggling to read where it's going and in that instance I see why maybe Saganowski wanted to leave. League 1 football is all about being direct, flick ons, giving the ball away, winning it back, ball in the air .... all of which really doesn't suit him. He tries and he tries though and in the 18th minute is rewarded when he wriggles free on the left of the penalty area and is tackled, falls over a bit spectacularly and wins a corner.... Hang on a minute, the berk with the whistle has given us a penalty... what the hell was that for? He won the ball clean as you like... we'll have it though. Protests and bewilderment all round, Lambert, bang, 1-0.

Yeovil, suitably aggrieved, come hard at us and we're under pressure as they hoof it up to the big lad up front who is a handful but he's very isolated and he's up against Jaidi and Trotman who are the football equivalent of a pair of nightclub bouncers, "No, you are not coming in sonny, now turn around and take this bruise with you". Talk about uncompromising. Yeovil also have a little 'Jermain Defoe like' striker up front who is like Jermain in that he has two arms and legs and that's about it.... in short, he's rubbish. Along with the bouncers in defence, we have Wayne Thomas and Dan Harding who are both big lads at 6ft 2ish, as well has Hammond and Lambert elsewhere in the side which gives us massive physical presence. It's all a far cry from last years team of Time Bandits and 7 stone weaklings.

However, it doesn't matter how many big lumps you have in the side if no one attacks the ball and a free Yeovil header from a corner went pretty close. Hammondwatch was again proving interesting... sometimes he looks like he's injured and that every step is an effort that he'd rather not make but at other times he is a man possessed. If there is a ball to be won then he makes sure he wins it or that the opponent is on his backside. In an attempt to win a 10/90 challenge at one point, he executed a perfect scythe tackle and hoofed the Yeovil No8 up in the air where he in turn, executed a kind of spin turn triple somersault thing and landed in a heap. The referee in awe, did nothing... unbelievable. Hard though Yeovil tried for the rest of the first half, they weren't really getting anywhere and Saints weren't either to be honest.

Half time and no morons to listen to, fantastic. Half time scores... Aston Villa 2 Pompey 0 Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

The second half starts in a kind of nondescript way with neither side looking likely. Jermain really is bad for Yeovil and sorry to pick on him again but Lloyd James for us, bloody hell. He's been shoved right to accomodate Schneiderlin who is mixing some great stuff with disappearing acts. He is improving though and getting more involved with games and it's nice to see a player who wants to get the ball down and creates some space and time for himself.

After the hour however, it's time for an aimless waft forward towards nobody. The ball runs across the Yeovil left back and brushes his hand. One person out of nearly 20,000 appealed and that was me. 'Handball' I said in a very quiet voice but the linesman, who obviously has the hearing of a bat, heard me and gave us another spawny penalty. The Yeovil players don't really protest because a) they haven't realised it's a pen, or b) they now know for sure that it's not their day. Lambert, bang, 2-0. Game over, it really is. You can never really say this as a Saints fan but it's time to bet your left nut on a Saints win because it's coming baby and Yeovil are not going to score twice.

Mills comes on for Schneiderlin and Papa Waigo comes on for Saga, accompanied by a massive cheer. Now I'm not against giving someone a big welcome but why exactly does he have hero status already ? One goal in the ressies in front of one man and dog at Hungerford, does not a hero make. Is it because he has a cool name .... like Jelle Van Damme..(who was crap) or is it the dance ... which we nearly see after his first touch which is a snapshot at the keeper from 20 yards. A good start and on the plus side he looks lively and unpredictable... on the minus side though there were some worrying Bradley Waigo-Phillips moments as he managed to get caught offside about 4 times...

Mills was now taking our corners and the delivery had improved markedly since Lallana had been removed from the set piece equation. Someone (Jaidi and Trotman perhaps) needs to beat it into him that repeated floating corners over everyone is not likely to lead to a goal. Saints nearly scored again when Trotman got on the end of a Mills corner and hit the keeper with the header and so the game petered out into an easy win with Wotton coming on for Thomas to maintain the 'big lump' quota in the side. Top performers for me today were Lambert and Hammond who were untouchable in their respective areas of the field.

So, -2 and Alan Pardew was happy with the win and not too impressed with the way we played. I'd have to agree with him but I really, really, really don't give a flying one how we win and I'll take all the dodgy penalties going if it means we score one more than them. Winning with style is a bonus and I'm really not bothered about bonuses as bonuses are for the greedy.

I am bothered though, about getting to one point before the Skates so we're at Carlisle and they are at home to Everton. I reckon we're favourites now....

League 1 Match 7 - Charlton 1 Southampton 1

"Oi Charlton, look over there and you'll see your 100% record disappearing"

Charlton have had a similar descent down the leagues as Saints have. A season after Saints did it, they got relegated out of the Premier League by exactly mirroring the mistakes that Saints had made. This makes us pioneers and them just stupid. Anyhow, both clubs had established and very good managers – we had Gordon Strachan and they had Alan Curbishley. Curbs had been there for years and by our standards, Strachan should have been given a gold watch for racking up nearly two and a half years at the helm.

We replaced Strachan with Paul Sturrock and they replaced Curbs with Iain Dowie, two managers who were seen as up and coming with something to prove who had done well at other clubs. They were also two managers who had hit every branch of the Ugly tree on the way down. We sacked Sturrock two games into a season and they fired Dowie after 12.

Saints surpassed themselves with the next appointment by putting Steve Wigley in charge, a man who didn’t want the job and was excruciatingly out of his depth…. nice guy, well respected, not fit for purpose. The phrase ‘as much use as a chocolate teapot’ was invented for him. Charlton’s Chocolate Teapot was Les Read who was similar in being a nobody and being useless.

To attempt the rescue the mistakes, we turned to dear old ‘Arry and they turned to Alan Pardew – both clubs taking what looked like safe bets and in both cases, getting relegated at the end of the season and plunging themselves into the downward spiral which has ended in League 1. Three managers in a season doesn’t work. You will get relegated… I think Pompey should try it.

Another relegation for both clubs later and here we are in League 1 and there the similarities end. Charlton avoided going into administration and have won 6 games out of 6 – Saints on the other hand…. you know the rest…. 24 points behind. So, a trip to The Valley was a pretty daunting prospect.

Waigo and Jaidi had been granted work permits and were on the bench with Joseph Mills and Schneiderlin getting starts for marginally impressing in the bag of crap last week. Saganowski returned from not playing and watching his Polish mates get all but knocked out of the World Cup and took his place on the bench.

As usual, I was out doing a tour of shops and parks, trying to amuse 3 kids and keep tabs on the game. My wife was having a Saturday on the red wine so I was going to find it a bit difficult today. The lack of text messages being received was seem by me as a good thing. I had a feeling it was going to be tight as we have a decent defence now but at the end of the day, it’s top versus bottom so you’re expecting to get beat. Oh for that optimism you had as a kid where you were sure you were going to win every match. Man Utd away, no bother, we are the Saints, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen. Ha Ha. Kids must be more cynical these days as my five year old now asks me ‘Are Saints losing yet?’ whenever he sees me check out my phone…. One day soon my son, all this Saturday misery will be yours.

We happened to be in the car at 3.45 and I’ve got two messages – I know one will be the half time score and I assume the other will detail that we’ve gone 1-0 down in the 45th minute but with a loud ‘get in there’ we are 1-0 up through Adam Lallana. The radio is saying that Saints are the better side and should be winning by more which is good by at the same time annoying as we all know what happens when you don’t take your chances. Five minutes into the 2nd half and it’s 1-1 as Deon Burton has taken advantage of a Kelvin flap. I manage to keep the radio on for the rest of the 2nd half and it’s a nightmare. What is about listening to the radio? Every time the opponents get into your half you imagine the ball is pinging around your six yard box and you also know you are under the cosh as none of your players aside from defenders are being mentioned. Jaidi and Waigo make their debuts as subs and we come away with a draw. A very creditable result.

It was a difficult day for Alan Pardew who of course, is not popular at Charlton. If he was under any illusions (I don’t think he was) then he isn’t now. He got dogs abuse for 90 minutes by all accounts so it must have been nice for him for Saints to break their 100% record. I can imagine that if we’d won he’d have been tempted to do an Adebayor and do a 90 yard sprint to celebrate in front of the baying mob. A bit of a shame that he didn’t get the opportunity but I’m sure he’s happy enough with a point.

I have a quick check of the message boards after the game and I’m amazed that for every fan happy with the point, there is one who is not happy in the slightest. Just staggering… get a grip you miserable sods. We ARE getting there…. Slowly

-5

As a footnote… who do you reckon are going to get to 1 point first, Saints or Pompey ?. We have -5, they have 0, our next two matches are glamour fixtures against Yeovil and Carlisle, theirs are against Everton and Villa.

Respite from League 1 - England 5 Croatia 1

I am a Saints fan of course but occasionally, when I want to watch some good players, I am an England fan. My sense of Englishness has been heightened by 3 years of working in Dublin where they do enjoy seeing England losing. If you go to a pub on your own and start shouting support for England on the TV, then you're going to get some banter. A bad experience was watching the 'brolly' match where Steve McClaren inspired Croatia to a 3-2 win to knock us out of Euro 2008. My misery was being monitored by about 30 Irish lads who I noticed when the cheers erupted every time Croatia scored. A good experience was watching the Theo Walcott inspired 4-1 win against the same opponents when the Irish Croats only managed a half hearted cheer when Croatia scored to make it 3-1 to England.

I could have watched it in the comfort of my B&B but a 14" screen in the top corner of the room was not good enough so off to the pub again. Pint of Guinness, bag of crisps, one nil, two nil, get in!!! I want to adopt an Italian child and call him Fabio. The man is a legend, already... just by not being Steve McClaren, he is a legend. The fact that the goals are from Lampard and Gerrard says it all... he's got the two best English midfeilders in the same team and playing well together, unlike McClown and the ever useless Sven.

Fabio has even recognized that we need a comedy factor in the England team and so he picks Heskey. Two clear chances - one passed to the keeper and one where he clatters the keeper having forgotten the ball. Genius. In the lead up to the game, all talk was of Defoe or Heskey... neither in my opinion... Carlton Cole is the man... you heard it here first.

My enjoyment of the rest of the first half was interrupted somewhat was an uninvited visitor as a very blunt Australian sat behind me and tried to start a conversation about his dodgy pint. Irritating bugger, go away. Go away he wouldn't though and then he started giving me stick about being unfriendly and trying to bet me a grand that England would win. "Look mate, I'm trying to watch the game and I didn't ask you to come down here and sit behind me and start talking to me". Then he left. Bizarre.... and I never mentioned the Ashes.

2nd half started with the traditional England wobble and switching off in general and then, 3-0, 4-0, Lampard and Gerrard again. I loved the way they had a dedicated camera on Croatia Manager Slaven Bilic who'd made some silly comments in the press before the game. Scramble in the England box, 4-1, horrendous clearance by their keeper to give Rooney an open goal from 15 yards, 5-1, qualification ensured, happy night in the pub.

A couple of young student types came in and asked about the England game before asking where I was from. All they wanted to talk about after that was Matt le Tissier (not the spread bet throw-in crap) and his genius. Good to know that people from outside Southampton could appreciate it as well and not be blinded by the Sky Big 4 bias.

Anyway, back to the Saints and it's table topping Charlton on Saturday with Alan Pardew returning to his former club where he is not well liked. They have 6 wins out of 6 and we have none and are 24 point behind them. We're going to win....

League 1 Match 6 - Southampton 0 Colchester 0

Colchester at home – this is the day. This is the day that the season will take off. I am convinced. I may be deluded. Lending weight to this belief is the fact that Colchester are in a state of turmoil…. Their manager and coaching staff have all upped and left and two of their best players have also departed, all since the season started. One of those players is of course, Dean Hammond who will be wearing the red and white from now on. The negatives (as far as SFC are concerned) are that they have had a decent start, winning the first game 7-1 away from home for example and also, they have a new manager, Aidy Boothroyd, who is the embodiment of a lot of what I hate about Championship and League 1 football. If it moves – kick it, if it’s a ball – kick it harder. Against Boothroyd teams over the past few years, Saints have an average result of a 3-0 defeat. Today was going to be different though.

A major reality check came in the fact that this game was being played at all. It was international weekend but we’ve fallen so low now that our games are not called off which means that if you do happen to have to have any internationals, then they will be missing. Hence, Saganowski was away with Poland and Paterson was back in the team. With Rasiak having been sold to Reading, we had no striker on the bench. Our two new signings, Jaidi and Waigo were still in work permit limbo so other than Paterson, we had the same side as last week. Waigo was introduced to the crowd but thankfully, I was in the bog and missed the first showing of his celebratory ‘goal’ dance. Save it for the real thing sonny….

Away we go and Saints are playing ok, passing the ball about and looking threatening. Paterson has a stabbed chance cleared off the line and Lallana is looking particularly on form. It’s always interesting to see what sort of referee you get in League 1 because the standard is consistent… they’re all shite. This bloke seems like a complete bell end wouldn’t know a foul if it bit him. Rickie Lambert was persistently fouled in the first 20 mins but not one free kick and a similar story for Clive Platt, up front for Colchester who was being Trotmanned – look it up – it means “assaulted without the ball being anywhere near”. Dean Hammond was lucky to get away with no sanction for throwing the ball in the stomach of a bloke who was a team mate a week or so ago but I like him – he wants to win and it shows…. Hopefully in time, this will rub off on the ‘oh so soft’ academy players we have brought through.

Colchester looked like a team that hadn’t had Boothroyd in charge for long as they were at least trying to play on the grass but then it all changed as Kemal Izzet stupidly decided to take a big hack at Lallana, who was in a dangerous position out by the corner flag with his back to play, and even this ref couldn’t miss that and he got a straight red.

Whilst fans are delighted at a red for the opposition, I never am because it means that we will be playing against opponents who will shut up shop and it will take a bit of guile to break them down which means stretching the play out to the wings. Saints have no wingers and haven’t had a decent one for years which means that whenever we are presented with a team that shuts up shop, we run out of ideas and end up just hoofing it. Whilst this is going on of course, you have to defend against the hoof forwards from the opposition and on one occasion we didn’t and Platt hit the bar. In the ensuing panic, Trotman tried to clear it over his shoulder and succeeded in just hoofing it for a corner. Comedy gold. It’s all gone Hoofroyd and it’s 0-0 at half time.

Dumb and Dumber, who sit behind me, had been joined for this game by Dumbest. So we have one who just states the obvious, one who thinks he’s funny and one who just hasn’t got the faintest idea about anything and has nothing to say, so he talks complete bollocks. Match the moron to the sentence….

Sentence 1. “Saints need to get a goal here”

Sentence 2. “Izzet a red card, Izzet a funny name”

Sentence 3. “Where’s Rasiak today?, we could do with him”

In the concourse, another reminder that things have changed… you can get to the bar with missing any of the second half and you can also get to the bog without queueing for ten minutes and wondering if the guy in front would notice if you peed in his pocket.

Joseph Mills on at half time for Jacob Mellis who I have not mentioned so far… this is because he did nothing and is a lightweight ponce. After 5 minutes it became obvious to the more cynical of us that we weren’t going to score which is kind of depressing when you have 40 minutes left to play against 10 men at home. Thomson came on for Paterson to try and give us some width on the right but he was completely useless in this and any other respect. The removal of Paterson of course meant we only had Lambert up front and he was getting no service below 9 foot in the air and no joy at all from the referee despite being battered every time he went near the ball.

We’d been drawn into a hoofing war again and were not getting anywhere with it. Balls flew across the box with no Saint near them and when occasionally there was one, a Colchester defender flung a body part in the war. Credit to them, they did defend very well. Schneiderlin came on and actually passed the ball but as usual, he was light years ahead of his team mates in both thought and deed so invariably, he’d sweep a 50 yard ball out to the wing, where the winger would mis-control it out for a throw.

Final whistle, 0-0. boooooooooooooooooo!

Positives – Clean Sheet. We can defend against hoofball. We couldn’t do this at all last year but we can now. The lump up to the big man (Platt) who flicks it to the little man (Lisbie) was dealt with easily by Trotman and Perry, ably supported by Thomas, Harding and Davis. With Jaidi to come in as well, Pardew has built from the back which apparently he didn't do when manager of Charlton.

Negatives – the witless and guileless way we attempted to break down a massed defence. Hoofing the ball high to Lambert is pointless and especially so without someone to run off him. It isn’t going to work and we’re not going to climb the league any time soon playing like that. Maybe the man Papa Waigo can create some reasons to have a little dance....

Slowly but surely we are getting towards 0. Still -6 though and 6 games, 0 wins.

Transfer Window, well sort of.

The transfer window is an interesting thing. It was brought in so squads could be settled and not lose players at random points throughout the season. The thing was that if you did lose players at random points in the season, you could also replace them whenever you liked. So, while this was spun at the time, to be a benefit to smaller clubs, what in fact happens is that the bigger clubs wait until the last 5 minutes of the transfer window (in order to not have the additional salary on the wage bill for as long as possible) and then sign your players, so you have no time to replace them. Also, because there is a time limit on getting the deals done, it artificially pushes the prices up as the added factor of time pressure increases desperation as everyone wants everything now and they don’t want to wait 6 months.

In previous years we have always lost players who we didn’t necessarily want to go but we haven’t really got anyone left who would be wanted by a bigger club, the possible exception of Adam Lallana. If Pompey came in for Paul Wotton then I’m sure we’d reluctantly sell though we’d have to be careful not the push the price up over Dr Fahim’s limit of five hundred quid. So, with bated breath, we arrived at the last day of the transfer window and as Saints are the Man City of League 1, I was hoping for some more players arriving and some deadwood leaving. We need a striker, a winger and a centre back… it’s going to be an F5 day.

10am, F5 – rumour of Junior Agogo signing (obvious wind up I think as he’s had more clubs than Peter Stringfellow)

12noon, F5, Saganowski to Sven County rumour – an obvious move to League 2 to protect his international career which is being damaged by playing in League 1

2pm, F5, fourth choice goalkeeper Michael Poke goes on holiday to Torquay again on loan for 6 months

4pm, F5, fantastic and hilarious rumour of Patrick Kluivert signing as a player/coach. More Dutch experiments, I think not…

5pm, F(ux sake)5 – sound of window closing.

No arrivals, Saganowski has not left to join the Sven revolution, Lancashire has not been signed up by a Donkey Sanctuary, Schneiderlin is left to take his chances with his international career and most remarkable of all – Patrick Kluivert has not signed. All is not lost however…

Just because the rules say you can only sign players during the transfer window, that isn’t actually the case. I guess that the restriction was put in place and then the authorities that be, realised that it was actually unworkable so there had to be some compromise. Once such compromise is the Emergency Loan window. The name suggests that somewhere, the term ‘Emergency’ is defined and policed but as far as I can see, you can loan anyone at any time, be it a genuine emergency (you have no goalkeeper for example) or that you just fancy getting in another centre back to complement the four you already have. I have a massive problem with the loan system especially when players are loaned between clubs in the same division. How on earth does that sit with maintaining the integrity of the competition. This also applies in cup competitions – if your parent club is in the same competition (The FA Cup for example) then to my mind, you shouldn’t be allowed to play for the club you’ve been loaned to.

Of course, my team, the mighty Saints are now in League 1 and so I’ll compromise my beliefs and take anyone we can get. As it stands, we haven’t taken advantage of the Emergency Loan system but we have taken advantage of another loophole which is that you can sign players at any time if they are out of contract. So, welcome to Radhi Jaidi – an absolute brick outhouse of a centre back who has 100 caps for Tunisia and last year, played 30 odd times for Birmingham as they got promoted to the Premier League.

Also, a day after the window closed, it was announced that we’d signed a striker, the fantastically named Papa Waigo N’Diaye. We were allowed this one as the initial negotiations had started before the window closed.

So, there are many ways to dodge the window including those mentioned so far and also, signing a player on loan and completing the permanent deal when the window opens again. This is why I believe that Michel Platini’s idealistic notion of ensuring that all clubs are debt free is doomed to failure as they will find ways round it… but more on finances in football another time perhaps…

As for SFC, now go concentrate on the Kluivert deal…