Premier League Match 26 - Southampton 0 Brighton 4

Rambo Takes On The World

It was only a couple of weeks ago that Saints were winning at Ipswich and Brighton were getting beaten 7-0 by Nottingham Forest. Back then, I was looking ahead and looking forward to this game as a potential three points. Since then of course, we have lost pathetically to both Burnley and Bournemouth and Brighton have beaten Chelsea twice. Maybe we are not the team in form that I thought we were going to be.

Prior to those two wins against Chelsea, I was beginning to think that the cracks were beginning to appear in the Brighton model. This model of course was very similar to our own in the mid 2010s, when we bought relatively unknown players from Europe and then sold them on for loads of money, replacing them with more relatively unknown players who stepped into their shoes. It couldn’t last forever of course and with a large dollop of Wesley Hoedt, Mario Lemina and Guido Carrillo, our successful era gradually went down the pan.

Brighton have had to replace managers at regular intervals as Roberto De Zerbi went off to Valencia and before him, Graham Potter went off to Chelsea. Their latest hire is Fabian Hertzeler who is the managing in the Premier League at the ridiculously young age of 31. He has been maintaining the status quo for Brighton this season so far, or so it seems from the outside, but the only time I really paid attention to him was when we visited the Amex earlier on in the season when he was a big fucking baby, having failed to beat the bottom team in the league. It’s a very low bar of course but it was probably one of our best performances of the season and we deserved to win that game and but for a mental VAR decision, we probably would have. You remember the one, where Adam Armstrong was interfering with the goalkeeper from 15 yards away just a few weeks before Mateta threw Aaron Ramsdale into a post from an offside position, and wasn’t interfering.

The main thing in that first game that seemed to boil the piss of the Brighton manager, was the fact that Flynn Downes was not sent off before he scored the equalising goal. He got annoyed about it because all of his histrionics on the bench waving imaginary cards around, didn’t amount to anything other than making him look like a complete twat. Thankfully, it looks like the impasse between our soon to be departing manager and Flynn has now been resolved and we can expect to see him back in the squad this afternoon. I expect he’ll be given an ABK brief and watch from the bench for the next five games.

Having got the selection completely wrong last week it will be interesting to see whether the supply teacher gets it right at this time. Brighton have plenty of strength in that central midfield area so he has to get that area of the team right today as opposed to what he did last week. There is a very real possibility that Joe Aribo will start in a back three, given the dodgy performance by Nathan Wood last week and THB still not being ready to come back.

Brighton have some dangerous players in Mitoma and Minteh but they have questionable defenders and are definitely nowhere near on a level with the Bournemouth side we played last week. Having already got a point against these this season, achieved with Joe Lumley in goal, we should certainly looking to be getting something out of this game. It’s about giving the long-suffering Saints home supporters the odd good day between now and the end of the season before we drop back into the Championship.

1.45 comes around and it’s time to see what we are faced with this week – not from the opposition but from the brain of Ivan. Looks like Joe Aribo is starting at centre back and that Fernandes is in the midfield two, unless of course it’s a back four, but I doubt that. Cameron Archer starts ahead of Tall Paul, having done absolutely nothing in his admittedly short sub appearances under the supply teacher. Flynn Downes has made it as far as the bench but I’d put money on him watching 95 minutes as some sort of punishment.

Two minutes gone and Big Les smashes into a challenge in midfield and Ayari does a somersault which even though it didn’t look that bad, is going to result in a yellow card and certainly does. This could be a problem as our problem midfield area now contains a very attack minded Fernandes and Les on a booking.

We are doing the man marking thing again and five minutes in and it’s already looking terrifying. Just a quick pass forward and a one touch layoff and it’s wide open, just like Bournemouth last week and similarly, this isn’t going to end well. Aribo‘s man assignment is clearly Rutter and after a protracted fight for the ball, the Brighton man gets a shot in from the edge of the six yard box which is saved by Ramsdale. Early signs not good because there was absolutely no cover once Rutter had got away from Aribo.

With our defending already looking suspect, it’s not ideal when Bednarek goes down injured and to a very strange huge roar from the crowd, on comes Armel Bella-Kotchap for his first game for us for about two years. Even as he jogs onto the pitch, he looks like he’s towing a caravan, so this is going to be interesting as he tries to man mark Joao Pedro as he drops deep into midfield.

Rutter spins past Aribo again and drives towards the penalty area and Joe just hauls him down in very deliberate fashion. Free kick on the edge of the box and Baleba’s effort deflects off Dibling in the wall and bounces down and up over the bar with Ramsdale on the other side of the goal. More good luck.

We are really pushing our luck and the defence is creaking to fuck yet again a minute later as Joao Pedro picks it up on the left with ABK not close enough, he fancies his chances in a race against Armel and his caravan and just runs at him towards goal with ABK busting a gut to keep up to the edge of the penalty area where he sticks his arm out and gives Joao Pedro a little push which sends him crashing to the ground. Looks like a penalty to me but not today and can’t help but feel that we’ve got a little bit fortunate there, again.

Brighton should take the lead straight after that as Hinshelwood gets in a cross in from the right and Mitoma, totally unhindered by his man marker Jimmy Champo, connects with the ball and passes it wide of the open goal from about 6 yards.

So, we have luck and we have Aaron Ramsdale and another chance as one ball takes out Welington and yet again a Brighton attacker is clean through but down the other side this time as Minteh finds himself completely free and bearing down on Ramsdale but he takes a slightly heavy touch and stumbles and Ramsdale comes flying out to claim. Excellent goalkeeping.

So, having had five good chances to score already, a Brighton clearance comes down with snow on it about 40 yards from our goal and ABK is not tight enough to Joao Pedro who brings it down to Rutter. Aribo is not close enough to him and then luck runs out as ABK toe ends the ball through to Joao Pedro, who runs into the thirty yards of space and dinks over Ramsdale who has absolutely no chance. Well, you can’t say it’s not been coming, can you? I wonder if Ivan was surprised? I guess so as he’s done nothing to tighten things up. Fucking garbage.

We then have one of those attack things and win a corner as Lamptey puts it out of play. We play it short to Dibling and Fernandes has a couple of blocked shots before it goes back out to Welington on the right and his cross is overhit and heading for the top corner in but Verbruggen gets airborne and claws it out of the top corner. A shot on target, albeit an accident.

Johannes Spors Wondering What the Fuck He Is Watching

Half time. Fucking hell that was grim. Lucky to be only one down but no real prospect of this being anything other than another dull defeat. Ivan changes it up with … yeah, nothing and away we go again. Saints look to have a relative spring of their step with Big Les finding Fernandes in midfield and he slips it through to Archer who puts it away well but there’s no excitement because the flag has already gone up and we are off to VAR for a cursory check.

“Hi there Stockley Park – check Archer goal for offside please”
“Has the lino given it?”
“Yep – flag went up straight away”
“Well it’s offside then innit?”
“How do you know?”
“Well, one, it’s Archer, who is offside or grovelling in the dirt after a defender has breathed on him and two, lino’s never put their flag up straight away unless it’s fucking obvious”
“Do you want to draw lines”
“No, can’t be arsed and this gets our average response time down”

Well that didn’t take long, so clearly quite easily offside.

We’re only a second away from another defensive calamity though, as from the freekick for the offside, Webster just chips it forward to wear Minteh and Rutter have a two on two situation on the edge of our box. I’ve never seen anything like this in my fucking life as Minteh turns it around the corner first time which takes his marker KWP out of the game. Aribo is between Rutter and the ball, but he falls over and the ball squirts to Minteh who squares it for Rutter to put it into an empty net with Ramsdale stranded.

Our response is to all get pulled out of defence again and Gomez’s threads a ball through our midfield to Minteh, who has once again got away from KWP and as he fakes to shoot both KWP and Ramsdale go sliding out for a hotdog but as Minteh is about to roll it into an empty net, Ramsdale somehow gets a finger to it to disrupt and KWP clears the half hit effort.

There’s a rare bit of respite as we actually have an attack as Dibling and Ugochukwu combine to get the ball out to Sulemana on the left and Mr. All Fart No Shit cuts on his right foot before hitting a back pass two for Verbruggen to fall on, which is at least on target.

Brighton of course know how to piss through our team at will now and a ball from Mitoma up to Joao Pedro‘s feet is turned around the corner and Mitoma is away from the flailing Jimmy Champo and clean through from halfway and he accelerates away and he chips over the advancing Ramsdale as well for three. It’s so shit it's fucking embarrassing.

Ivan goes to his bench and takes off Big Les who was undoubtedly being hindered by his early yellow card and after last week’s disaster, he’s decided to give Will Smallbone another go. Will immediately gives the ball away in midfield and Baleba breaks and Will produces his average speed to get back and Baleba swats him away before smashing the ball straight at Ramsdale who once again keeps the score down.

Just to prove we can let a different type of goal, a corner comes here from our right and no one really goes for it and all of our defenders are under the ball with Smallbone and Aribo leaving it to each other and it bounces about eight yards out and full back Hinshelwood just places it into the net giving Ramsdale no chance at all. Fucking hopeless. 4-0, ten minutes to go and to quote Bob Marley, it’s Exodus.

More passive shite to follow with Fernandes and Smallbone matching Vieira and Petit in the Great Premier League defensive midfield patnerships, as Minteh gets given another glorious chance to open his account as Baleba slides him through and he gets to the edge of the box before smashing it and once again Ramsdale is the only thing standing between us and getting absolutely fucking annihilated.

The still time for another chance with Baleba once more trundling through the middle. He can trundle through the middle because he is of course supposed to be marked by one of our midfield players. Another free shot and another brilliant save by Ramsdale and pushed onto the post.

Fucking hell.

Hurzeler‘s post-game interview basically started with 'we outworked them'. Yep. So basically what he’s saying is the just by beating us at the minimum requirement of hard work, it was fucking easy. Fair play to the Brighton man as he was comprehensively the winner in the battle of the managers today, not that it was really a battle. Pull the defenders all over the pitch and piss through the open space motorway down the middle. Juric was at least honest in that he said that they were miles better than us and he later came out with the gem that he has decided that the man for man system doesn’t work for us. Well done mate, the rest of us worked out a couple of months ago you fucking idiot.

It Was At This Precise Moment, That He Knew He Had Fucked Up

I’m not quite sure because there is so much shit to wade through but I’m pretty sure that even though we have lost games by more than that this season, today was the most inept performance of the season and that’s in a season that included letting in five goals in the first half at home in one game. Let this address the scoreline first - it was only four because Aaron Ramsdale was brilliant and without him it could easily have been double that I really hope he gets a move to a decent club in the summer. His performance in that game was up there with the best goalkeeper performances I’ve ever seen from a Saints goalkeeper. We’re talking Antii Niemi and Peter Shilton levels of goalkeeping there. I’d like to shake his hand and then apologise for the absolute shit show that he has joined. Russell Martin must have done a great sales job on the club for him and I bet Ramsdale signed, then turned up on day one and thought “what the fuck have I done”

So, our defensive system, the signature tactic of Ivan Juric. Man for man with all three central defenders all tightly marking their players wherever they go. Bournemouth pissed through it last week by keeping hold of the ball and their forwards dropping deep bringing the defenders with them or by running at defenders and committing them. Brighton pissed through it at will, simply by dragging players away and then speeding up the passing for a couple of seconds and knocking the ball off first time. That was all it took and then they were clean through with our half of the pitch to run into. So simple but yet our caretaker supply teacher persists with it game after game. On top of that, we are playing a back three with the championship level full-back, a player who hardly kicked a ball for two years and a midfielder who is not the most athletic. If you could’ve put a pound on Saints playing a large proportion of a Premier League match with a back three of Aribo, ABK and James Bree, then you’d probably have about 20 grand to spend on something other than watching this shit week in, week out.

Of Ivan Juric’s other decisions today. Well., starting Joe Aribo in a back three was a 100% disaster and proves again that there’s a world of difference between ‘filling in’ at the end of a game in a strange position, and starting a game there. Bringing Cameron Archer in to play up top was another failure but not a disaster because it wouldn’t have mattered who played up top with the defending we were doing. We are however going to have to invent a new standard for the word lightweight. I struggle to remember a forward that we’ve ever had who is as lightweight as Cameron Archer. If we are to use boxing definitions, he’s not just lightweight he’s one of the several levels beneath that so that could be featherweight, bantamweight, flyweight or straw weight. Archer had one good moment when he took that pass from Fernandes and scored but at the end of the day, it was a shit moment because he was looking right across the line and was obviously off side. Other than that it was the usual lack of determination to get to the ball and falling over when breathed upon and not winning any free-kicks. The long awaited performance of Armel Bella-Karavan was exactly what we expected it to be. Fair play to him for lasting 80 minutes, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a player blowing out of his arse as much as that since the days of Terry Hurlock just before he retired.

I know that Hurzeler has got better players at his disposal and their club is run considerably better than ours is but in our dugout you have a manager with a long playing career in Italian football and a full Croatian International, who has also managed in Serie A for a number of years, getting completely outwitted by a manager who is barely out of fucking school and never played the game to any decent level.

Shall I Change Anything Mid-Game? Nah!

Some fans won’t understand why there’s any criticism of the manager as he has a pile of shit to work with and I get that. However, I’m seeing nothing from him at all and I want the possibility that there is even the slightest chance that Ivan Juric will be in charge next season, completely removed. Personally, I would put Simon Rusk in charge for the rest of the season and with it and also, I would announce that this is just to get to the end of the season and we will reassess in the summer. We are so shit it is unreal and though he has shit tools to work with, I don’t think this manager would get a tune out of anybody. Another stubborn one trick pony who refuses to change a thing, either in-game or from week to week, despite overwhelming evidence of what he is doing is never going to work. Pure definition of madness. A Caretaker supply teacher manager. He’s basically Ruben Selles without the nice clothes. It probably won’t happen because Dragon Solak was backing him on national media only three weeks ago but one win out of nine would get most managers sacked and the fact is that we’ve actually got worse. After the West Ham game there seem to be some semblance of a plan and a sense that things might get better but since he’s established his signature tactics on the team, it’s just got worse and worse.

Chelsea away on Tuesday sure no doubt to be a chance for the out of form Cole Palmer to fire himself back to the top of the Premier League goal scoring charts. Juric has promised to change his defensive system but let’s see just how much he can do to undo the shit habits he’s instilled in the three days between the games. I am not hopeful.

12 games to go and this shit will be over