Premier League Match 23 - Manchester United 0 The Other Team 1

Have I Told You How Much I Hate van Gaal?

The single most enjoyable result of last season was winning at Old Trafford.  It’s great because you know that they eyes of the plastic football supporting world are on you and gnashing their teeth as you have the impertinence to go to Old Trafford and leave with 3 points.  You know that no one is going to acknowledge that you deserved to win and you know that all the coverage will focus on United and if your team could be edited out altogether, then they would be.  It was absolutely brilliant to beat them up there for the first time since 1988 and I don’t want to be greedy but I want some more.  We seem to always find a way to make a mess of the home game against them so this will have to do.

Considering that they are the biggest club in the country, if not Europe in terms of revenue and expenditure, the Manchester United of this season have been absolutely shite in terms of entertainment and style of football.  It’s been hilarious watching Louis Van Gaal spend £250 million and totally fail to mould all their ridiculously expensive signings into a cohesive unit.  There was no thought when recruiting of what style of football the manager wanted to play and they just spent money and loads of it when they could, horribly over paying more often than not.  Nearly all of their post-Ferguson buys haven’t been great.  Even Morgan Schneiderlin has spent most of his time on the bench and he’s not been the worst of the signings.  Darmian has been woeful, Depay has hardly set the world alight and Martial has been shunted out to the wing to accommodate a clearly past-it Rooney.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a decent player but he’s not top level and isn’t good enough for a team who has designs on winning things.  As he gets older, the grannies he hangs around in become more socially acceptable as conquests though.  

Talking of old - they’ve still got the pedestrian Carrick, they’ve signed the clearly unfit and immobile Schweinsteiger who still has the laughter of Bayern Munich ringing in his ears as they took however many million of United’s money for him.   Also, United have still got Plan B Fellaini, the haircut who they can smash the ball up to.  Phil Jones unbelievably still gets a game when fit and Daley Blind is towing a caravan and a bus and a lorry at the same time.  The joke is that they’re currently 5th in the table despite all this.

We play them at a time when their results have picked up, much like ourselves.   They went through a crap run at the same time we did but three of their last four games have resulted in narrow wins at home to a freefalling Swansea, at home to League 1 Sheffield United with a last minute penalty in the cup and a spawny as you like one-shot-on-target win at Anfield.  The one entertaining performance was at Newcastle when they proved they couldn’t attack and defend in the same game in a 3-3 draw.  Their results may be holding up but they really are nothing to be scared of.  Having said that – they have only lost once at home in the league this season.

Saints should be going into this game with confidence and the main question is what formation Koeman will go with, with the 3-5-2 bringing the two home wins.  I’m expecting the same formation and the same starting XI as last week but could well be wrong.  Last years win there was built on a solid defence with Big Vic and Morgan ruling the midfield and Pellè battering them up front.  Maybe Romeu will be selected with Vic.  I do feel though that with the slow Blind at centre half, Mané and Long will give them more problems than Graziano.  The more pace we can get in the side today the better.  Then of course there’s Charlie Austin who is apparently fit and I imagine will be on the bench.

When the United team was announced, I was delighted to see Fellaini in it because he’s shite.  If he’s playing you know that a large part of the United tactic is going to be to lump it up the field which will play into the hands of Fonte and van Dijk.  In the last few years against United we’ve had to worry about Robin van Persie who always scored against us and was genuine World Class but this year we’re up against Jesse Lingard who looked average playing in the Championship for Brighton.  Morgan is playing, probably due to the absence of Schweinsteiger and Carrick so that’ll be an interesting battle with Big Vic.  There is a surprise in our team in that Steve Davis isn’t fit and is replaced by Tadic.  JWP has also returned to the bench despite his two goals last week and Clasie is back.  It looks like a subtle change in formation then as I can’t imagine either Mané or Tadic playing the midfield role like Davis does.  Charlie Austin is on the bench, Pellè is nowhere and for novelty, we’ve gone for our second choice keeper in Stekelenburg for the bench so Kelvin is now reduced to sitting in the stand wearing one of those hate with bells on it in his role as Court Jester.  Come on Saints, we can beat this shit.

The start of the game is a typically cagey Man United home game type of affair.  The ball is not really sticking up front for us and we allow United a break and the ball ends up with Martial, running at us from the half way line.  As we retreat, Bertrand pulls out a perfectly timed ankle tap to bring down the one United player I’m a bit worried about and gets away without a booking.  It’s promising that the ref doesn’t appear to be immediately swayed by where he is.

There really is not much going on.  We look very solid and they don’t look like breaking us down.  As they can’t get past our defence, Blind tries a shot from 40 yards.  It’s a decent strike but straight at Fraser who doesn’t have to move.  We all know Rooney has a slow brain and it seems to think that he’s 18 again as he tries a long ranger from the left and it nearly hits the right corner flag.  Those used to fly in a decade ago.

Every United great that there’s ever been must die inside a little every time they see Fellaini on the team sheet.  What’s his purpose?  As far as I can see it’s for de Gea to aim kicks at and he flicks them on.  Well that’s what he does if he wins the ball.  If he doesn’t then he elbows people and there’s a blatant one on Big Vic and the referee who is five yards from it, does nothing. Not only is Fellaini complete shit, he is a fucking animal piece of shit as well.  Two minutes later there’s a challenge for a loose ball with Clasie and Clasie ends up with stud marks down the top of his hamstring.  Play on…. And this time Bertrand pulls out a superbly timed challenge to stop Martial.

Our best first half chance comes on about 35 minutes as Clasie plays a nice first time ball up to Mané and he plays a 1-2 with Tadic whose chip back to him is perfect by Sadio makes a bollocks of controlling the ball coming over his shoulder and it bounces off his left knee and he ends up playing an air shot as the ball runs through to de Gea.  Falling on your arse isn’t going to impress the Old Trafford hierarchy is it Sadio?

It has to be said that Sadio is having a bit of a mare.  He’s working hard and closing United down well but the ball keeps bouncing off him and coughing up possession.  One last bit of excitement for the United faithful before half time as Lingard cuts in from the right and scuffs a shot which clearly flicks off of Bertrand and gets given as a goal kick.  Excellent – we’ve got Wayne pulling his vein-popping-forehead thing at the ref.  Puce with rage. Twat.

Half time and I have never been so comfortable in my belief that United are incapable of scoring.  It would be nice if we could put a bit more together up front but for that to happen, Mané has to keep the ball a bit.  Our midfield has been excellent so far with Clasie and Big Vic totally eclipsing Schneiderlin and that Spanish bloke who they paid £30 million for, whatsisname?

Van Gaal has decided that the Dirty Elbowing Poodle Twat is an embarrassment to the United shirt and replaces him with Juan Mata who is a good player and you wonder how he didn’t get selected in the first place.  United start the second half well and are playing with a bit of purpose.  It’s still not hurting us though and Fraser hasn’t had any dodgy moments at all.

After 15 minutes of mainly United possession in front of us, Mané wins the ball and runs it out of defence down the right with United players trailing in his wake.  He gets his head up and hoofs a huge crossfield ball towards Long, Darmian gets up and flicks it away and Shane batters into him.  Everyone’s down, trainers on, Shane gets up and Darmian doesn’t, so on comes McNair, who is shite.

We’re not being helped by the ref who is not giving Long anything despite Smalling and Blind taking turns in sitting on his shoulders when he tries to win the ball.  Shane manages to get a clean jump at a Clasie corner and his header flicks off a defender and away from another corner.  Bertrand’s delivery from the other side finds Big Vic at the back post who eases Rooney out of the way and heads a foot wide.  Both of these corners feature Virgil van Dijk’s shirt being pulled off his back by Smalling in full view of the referee.  Last week Smalling gave a penalty away at Newcastle for wrestling at a corner so you’d think the ref’s would be looking out for it like they were then Ryan Shawcross got pinged two weeks running for Stoke for the same thing.

It’s sub time for us as we approach 70 minutes with Tadic and Clasie being replaced with JWP and Romeu which makes us more combative in midfield and more dangerous from set plays.  No team looks like creating much in the next 10 minutes and then the moment we’ve been waiting for as Mané is off to be replaced with Charlie Austin.  Van Gaal has sent on Januzaj, who as you all remember was going to be the next Pele when he scored on his debut a couple of years ago.  Since then he’s done  nothing expect get loaned out to Borussia Dortmund where he did fuck all and they sent him back as not fit for purpose.

85 minutes and Austin flicks the ball over Blind and heads for the corner.  He holds off Blind before Januzaj comes steaming in and barges him over.  What a fucking stupid challenge as he was going nowhere.  Free kick to us and JWP delivers it, Austin loses McNair and powers a header down into the bottom corner…. And Southampton go mad.  Get the fuck in there.  It’s as amusing as you like as all the Saints players run to the corner where the away fans are up in the gods and all you can see on the replays is dumb looking United fans filming the Saints celebrations on their iPads.  Arseholes.

There are three minutes of normal time remaining and we’ve won.  Sorry but we have.  They’re shit and even the board going up with 5 minutes on it doesn’t bother me too much because they’re shit, our defence and keeper are amazing and it’s over.  We create another chance as Austin breaks forward, finds Shane and the ball bobbles out to Romeu who shoots first time and brings a decent save out of de Gea.  There is time for one minor wobble as Cédric challenges Rooney for a header and the ball drops to Januizaj but luckily, he’s shite and his shot goes wide of the far post and Fraser had it covered anyway.  Rooney didn’t see it because he was pathetically arguing with the referee for a penalty for no reason at all other than that he was losing again, to Southampton again, at home again.

Game over – I await in interview with the granny shagger who will no doubt say they were the better side and were unlucky and all that shit.  Bollocks – we did a job on them pure and simple.  Defend properly and they can’t hurt us and take your chances.  Not bad for a game plan and it worked a treat.  I expect Ronald enjoyed that.

It doesn’t matter how shit United are.  When this game is put in a box, it’s still going to have ‘Manchester United, Old Trafford’ written on the side.  We’ve been dicked many times up there before so to come away with a win at any time is marvellous.  The most predictable thing in the world now is that for the next three days it will be all about them.  We’ll barely get a mention and whilst that would have boiled my piss a few years ago – I’m intending to just sit back and enjoy the teeth gnashing, sense of entitlement and the window licking.  Hopefully I’ll get some Twitter abuse from twats in Thailand, America and Cornwall like I did last year.  Louis van Gaal will get most of the flak and all the focus will be on him which is somewhat disrespectful for a manager who has won practically everything there is to win in the game.  His arrogance doesn’t help him but it seems to draw attention away from the players he has – who are shit.  I’m sure that Ronald will feel sorry for his fellow Dutchman, he said sarcastically.

Match of the Day was incredible on Saturday night in that unless you were concentrating, you would have wondered who United were playing as they weren’t mentioned.  The papers next day were running a story that Mourinho has written a six page love letter to United about how he wants the job.  Utter shit, just like the story that they’d interviewed Guardiola last week.  No chance United fan boys, you have van Gaal and shit owners and a shit CEO who pays £30m for players who are worth £10m.  Long may it continue. Twats.

Anyway, fuck United.  We were the better side out there and played the better football and when we attacked we attacked with pace and purpose, comfortably keeping United at arms length and just waiting for the moment.  I never felt for one second that United would score and I thought we were guaranteed a 0-0 at least as the game went on… and then Charlie came on to win a free kick off the clueless Januzaj and then to get on the end of the cross.  What a debut that is.  The keeper and back three were in ‘cigar’ mode today – so cool and unhurried.  As a unit they were superb and if any of them were ever beaten, then another would cover over and sort it out.  It’s no coincidence that since we’ve had Virgil, José and Ryan as the back 3, we haven’t let in any goals.  Part of that of course has been down to the return of Fraser Forster who fielded the one shot on target that United managed – the 40 yarder from Blind that was straight at him and that was it.  His presence is as huge as the effect he has on the defence. Cédric and Targett both had effective games without being too much involved as United don’t attack much at all and especially down the wings.

It was really interesting to see Clasie on the same pitch as Schneiderlin today.  Clasie was brilliant in his 65 minutes on the pitch with his tenacity and passing and he also threw the old decent corner into the mix as well.  His partnership with Big Vic looked immense today and the two of them totally ruled the roost against Morgan and the Elbowing Poodle Twat in the first half and against Morgan and the Invisible Whatsisname Thingy Herrera after the break.  You can say (and I have) that Big Vic plays well against the big teams because he’s auditioning but just maybe he needs the big games to truly perform.  He was outstanding today, even after picking up that oh so accidental elbow in the forehead from that useless twat.

Tadic and Mané flattered to deceive a bit but combined superbly for the chance in the first half when Sadio played an airshot and Shane Long did his usual and chased absolutely everything without in truth, looking like scoring.  And then there was Charlie.  Any incidental coverage we will get in the aftermath of the game will centre on him and the fact that fans of other mid-ranking sides like ourselves, didn’t buy a player who is a proven goalscorer at this level.  It was widely predicted that he’s come on and score and so it came to pass.  The way he found space in the crowded penalty area was key and gives great encouragement that if we create the chances, he will finish them off.  That’s three games in a row when Ronald has put a sub on and within 5 minutes he’s scored.

3 wins in a row, up to 8^th in the league and ahead of Stoke and Palace who are widely thought to have had good seasons so far.  Next up we have Arsenal away on a Tuesday night and they are attempting to make a mess of their best chance to win the league for 12 years.  It’s the FA Cup next Saturday which is a competition that we’ve decided to withdraw from this year so hopefully they’ll be knackered and pick up a few injuries and we can give them a real run for their money.  They’ll be keen to avenge the 4-0 defeat at SMS but maybe they’ll be scarred by that.

Now to sit back and continue with watch the media Man United show.  Twats.

Premier League Match 22 - Southampton 3 West Brom 0

Charlie Ponders Getting Linked to Liverpool by the End of January

Playing against a Tony Pulis side usually means you’re in for a boring game and so does playing against West Brom, whoever their manager is.  Now the two are I harmony I’m not expecting too much in terms of free flowing football and entertainment.  We never seen to play well against bus parking teams.

The mood in the Saints camp is certainly much better than it was before the Watford game and the mood of the supporters was lifted considerably before this game with the announcement that we’d signed Charlie Austin from QPR.  I don’t know if I’m more pleased or surprised at this.  As he was in the last 6 months of his contract, he appeared to be just biding his time in the Championship with QPR before moving at the end of his contract, hence the surprise.  It appears we’ve paid £4 million to get him now.  The wages are of course a question but I think you can safely assume that the drain on resources that is Gaston Ramirez will be gone in the next couple of weeks.

The most predictable thing is that this will make the media assume that we’re selling one of the strikers now. Mané will be off to United, Pellè to Italy and Shane Long to Liverpool.  What?  Yes, you heard me… Shane Long has been linked to Liverpool.  This is because he played well in midweek and scored a goal so naturally he’s linked to Liverpool.  Most amusingly, when Liverpool needed a goal in midweek they threw Stephen Caulker on up front.  Ronald is of course going to have issues with keeping everyone happy as you would think they’ll only be room for two of Austin, Pellè, Long, Rodriguez, Tadic and Manè in the starting line up…. Oh, and Juanmi.  How could I forget him.  For what it’s worth, I think we’re future proofing – I can’t see Mané or Pellè being here past the summer with big beautiful Graziano probably heading home to Italy.

Back to today and I was hoping for the same side as the Watford game which of course meant no Big Vic so as I watched the names come up on the scoreboard, it was not a surprise to see Big Vic instead of Clasie but bloody annoying that he was in the side and Oriol Romeu was not.  Two of the ‘squad’ players who have been playing superbly in the last few games are Romeu and Long.  Long had kept Graziano on the bench but I would imagine Romeu was very pissed off when he heard the teamsheet and found he’d been benched as soon as the bloke who got brainlessly sent off at Norwich and who hasn’t given a shit all season, was available again.  Clasie was nowhere to be seen so I think we can assume that playing 90 minutes has done for him and JWP got a start.  The bench again included our 4^th choice keeper and Juanmi who obviously has some compromising pictures of Les Reed somewhere.

West Brom of course have Sir Rickie Lambert but he’s of course not playing with West Brom going for the wardrobe that is Anichebe up front.  He’s crap and I have no idea why he’s preferred to Lambert, Rondon and Berahino who are all on the bench.  As far as I can make out, West Brom have a flat back 5 with 4 midfielders, two of which are not going to move more than 5 yards from the defenders.  I wonder what the 0-0 Gameplan is then Tony?  It’s interesting that the Baggies have a number of players who I just don’t like – my impressions of some of them from afar are Dawson – Thug, Gardner – Whingy diving twat, McClean – Arsehole.

Saints start in positive fashion against the massed ranks of West Brom defenders.  Targett feeds a ball into Mané who gets to the ball before Dawson who leaves a predictable ‘kick him early’ marker on him and we get a free kick, 25 yards out, left of centre.  Dawson points at the ball which is what he should have kicked.  JWP stands over it and goes for it near post and it absolutely flies in whilst Myhill in goal just collapses on the ground.  At fucking last – he’s actually scored one.  Glorious start, get in!!!

Within 5 minutes, Pulis has changed tactics as his game plan is out the window and it’s 4-4-2 with Evans at left back and McClean being an arsehole on the wing.  He does however get a good cross in for an arsehole and Gardner gets a head to it but well wide and no alarms.

A good cross on the run from Cédric leads to us winning a corner as Mané challenged one of the 4 centre backs still on the pitch. JWP’s delivery is right on top of Myhill who is playing like he’s a quadriplegic at the moment and he just collapses on the floor again and there’s some momentary carnage before a Baggies boot connects with the ball.

There’s a heart-in-mouth moment when JWP is heading back towards his own goal on the edge of the penalty area and he goes to hook away a bouncing ball and Gardner gets a toe to it and JWP catches him and he goes down.  Gardner’s pulling his best wasp face and Fletcher is not happy.  It’s a free kick at best as it looked outside the box to me but the ref’s having none of it.  Well played ref.  However, I don’t think we could have been too surprised if it had been given and it at least gave us a glimpse of Fletcher in his full ‘United Squad Player’ pomp as he moaned like bitch and chased the ref.

West Brom look so limited that I’m suspecting that one more goal will more or less do it.  Targett once more feeds into Long who takes his time before sliding a superb ball in to Targett again and Dawson, not content with giving away the free kick for the goal, gets caught out and bundles him over.  Penalty.  Fletcher runs to the referee in typical Man United pose and points to the other end of the pitch, presumably for the Gardner incident.  Yes mate, the ref’s really going to change his mind on that one you dick head.  You’re not at United now and that shit won’t work.  Up steps JWP, Myhill virtually runs to the right and collapses and JWP rolls it in to the left for 2-0.

It’s nearly 3-0 straight after that with Long and Davis working hard to tee up Mané.  His shot is blocked but Targett hammers the rebound goalwards only for Arsehole McClean to pull out a superb goal line clearance by backheeling the ball away as he hurtled back into his own goal.  Myhill was collapsed on the ground so he probably was unaware of one of the best goal line clearances I’ve ever seen.  McClean though is still an arsehole.

Half time and you know that with all those strikers on the bench that Pulis will do something.  Not enough we hope and I think there’s part of all of us that would like to see Sir Rickie come on but he’s gone for the twin wardrobe approach with Rondon coming on one of the centre backs and joining Anichebe.  Chris Brunt in on as well for Fletcher which is a shame as I was looking forward to him moaning his way all through the second half. 

The Baggies attack a bit at the start of the second half but we don’t look concerned at all.  I have to say that Big Vic is having a superb game but all the back 5 look good.  A break up the left win with Mané and Davis ends with a hooked cross from Mané, a nod down from Long and Cédric has somehow got himself up the park but can’t get over it and ends up putting it into Jack Cork territory high and wide.

Steve Davis is amazing. No words can describe how good he is all over the park and how he sets the tempo for everything.  We struggle to clear a ball into our box and Davo picks it up on the edge of the box and he just runs it out of defence and gets us moving before pinging a ball over the full backs for Long to run onto.  His first time low cross finds Mané but unfortunately sends him a bit wide and he drags his shot across and wide of the far post.  Like on Wednesday against Watford, a miss is his last contribution and on comes Tadic to replace him.

Berahino is on for West Brom meaning Sir Rickie isn’t coming on and he’s involved with setting up a chance which falls to Anichebe who turns and gets a shot off but well wide.  Wardrobe.  Romeu is coming on for Saints to a great reception from the crowd who know a ‘hard done by’ player when they see one.  Meanwhile though, Long holds off a defender and flicks a great ball through to Relentless Davis who runs at the defence and plays in Tadic on the left and he pulls out a brilliant shot across the keeper and in at the far post.  3-0, game over.  Steve Davis’ work is done and he’s the one coming off for Romeu with Martina, another who is possibly hard done by, coming on for Cédric.

The rest of the game ticks by with no incident and no alarm for us.  There are songs for Sir Rickie which must have made him smile inside and that was that. Two wins, two clean sheets and we’ve signed Charlie Austin.  A perception changing four days.  The two wins, achieved with the minimum of fuss were against opposition who either didn’t fancy it or just played badly.  Ok media world – nothing to do with us then?  We played very well and totally deserved to win both games.

Pulis acknowledged that we were the better side but he also went for the ‘deflection’ route so favoured by managers when they’ve fucked up and blamed the fact they’d had two away games in four days.  I doubt they even went back to the Midlands after playing Chelsea on Wednesday so why are they tired.  That’s why you have squads Tony and that’s why we rested Clasie and Romeu today. How about that you put all your eggs in the ‘draw 0-0’ basket and left all your forwards on the bench.

Ronald was predictably pleased and was happy to wax lyrical about the signing of Austin and his goalscoring record.  It remains to be seen where he fits in but I can’t see us changing formation for a while as this 3-5-2 has worked superbly in the last two games.  We are of course away from home in our next two games against Man United and Arsenal so who knows.  We’ve looked so solid in the last two games though with Forster back and Bertrand on the left of the three instead of Yoshida.  The revelation has been Matty Targett at left wing back.  He’s been excellent and maybe with Bertrand at left centre back, would be ok against a quick winger.

I repeat that I don’t think Big Vic should have played today but he was superb and JWP also admirably stepped into Clasie’s position and the two goals were a bonus.  His all round game needs days like this for the confidence it brings to him.  His set pieces are great for us so he needs to do more from open play to get him on the pitch more often.  The main man though was Steven Davis who has been amazing in both games.  Up front, Long was as tireless as on Wednesday night and Mané just needs a goal.  Mind you, Tadic will be pushing for that spot if he keeps making the impact off the bench.  I’m guessing that Mané will start against Man United.  It’s an audition after all for him. 

I know they’ve started winning again but United really aren’t that good and we have every chance of repeating last years win. We have nothing to fear there at all.

Premier League Match 21 - Southampton 2 Watford 0

"I Have Come to Fix Ze Washing Machine, Ya"

Our recent run of ‘less than convincing’ results (ok... ‘shite’) means that this is suddenly a huge week, containing as it does, two winnable home games against Watford and West Brom.  Watford are up first and I have to say, I predicted them to go straight back down and never to be seen again, not scoring any goals in the process as all they had was untried foreigners all over the pitch.  Irritatingly and to their great credit, they’ve proved so far that I don’t know what I’m talking about by being solid and consistent all season and winning enough matches to be comfortably in upper mid-table.  The main focus has been on the strikers, Troy Deeney and Odion Ighalo who have been rattling in the goals that have meant Watford probably aren’t in the remotest danger of ending up straight back in the Championship.  Of course at some point they’ll probably get pillaged by the big boys, especially if Ighalo continues to score at his present rate but anyway, for now they still have their main man and we have to stop him and the rest of them today.

As he always does before a game, Ronald Koeman did a press conference and was asked about disparaging remarks he made about the Under 21s.  He pointed out that he was asked if anyone had impressed him in the under 21s in the game against Chelsea when we were poor despite winning 1-0.  He said ‘no’ which got interpreted as ‘none of the Academy are good enough and never will be’ as well as meaning he had fallen out with the board and didn’t believe in the philosophy of the club.  So, in short, it was taken out of context.  What a shocker that is.

A rumour did the rounds that someone was impressed with our Academy – Man United allegedly wanted to sign Jake Hesketh who has played half an hour for the first team.  Sounds like an agent trying to make a name for himself to me so we won’t bother too much about that one.

Over the past few summers we’ve had much teeth-gnashing as player after player departed from Southampton to join Liverpool.  Lambert, Lallana, Lovren and Clyne have all left with varying degrees of antagonism and disappointment from our point of view.   Brendan Rodgers may have gone but they now have Jurgen Klopp and he’s at it as well by taking another jewel in our crown, Steven Caulker.  It’s not big or clever to laugh at your own jokes but I just have.  Here’s a club who are telling everyone they’re returning to the good old days and the good times are coming back etc and a new manager preaching ‘heavy metal football’ . Well they’ve got the ‘heavy’ bit right.  Who is Caulker’s agent?  He’s a genius whoever he is.  How do you sell that to a Premier league Club of Liverpool’s stature?  Relegated with Cardiff one year, relegated with QPR the next, can’t get a game at Saints ahead of Maya Yoshida, plays badly when called upon and his last game was a 6-1 defeat by Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool when he was torn a new arsehole but not before showing his full range of skills ranging from chronic ball watching to turning like the Titanic – after it had hit the iceberg.  He’s left, no one cares, Florin Gardos is nearly fit again and Jack Stephens is back.  The reaction of Liverpool fans is funny as it mirrored my own when we signed him....”give him a chance”...”the manager will bring the best out of him” .... “it’s only short term cover”... etc.  Good luck with that – he makes Lovren look like Bobby Moore in comparison.

It appears, according to Ronald, that Stekelenburg had a hamstring injury after the last match and this is why he pulled Fraser Forster out of the Under 21s match on Monday that he was due to play in.  The bottom line is that if Maarten isn’t fit then Fraser will start and if this comes to pass, whilst Fraser would probably have wished for another practice game, this is great news.  If not tonight then it’ll be in the next week or so.  I’m sure he’ll be a bit rusty but having a keeper who actually makes some saves might be a good thing.  Other titbits include the expected return to fitness of all of Graziano Pellè, Ryan Bertrand and Cédric Soares.  The first two will most likely start if fit and I can’t believe I’m saying this but it doesn’t really matter who plays out of Cédric or Roberto Carlos Martina.

On the way to the ground, I’m half way cross the Itchen Bridge and the ground is shining brightly over to the right and it’s a really clear evening.  I verbalised that to my two daughters who have replaced my son and Dad as attending this game and then it pissed down.  I love it when it rains when you’re walking on the Itchen Bridge as there’s nowhere to hide and you just get fucking soaked.  We eventually get to the ground and are about to get through the turnstile and someone turns up the intensity of the pissing rain for 30 seconds, long enough to get absolutely fucking soaked.  Terrific.

Team news is that both Targett and Bertrand are playing and Pellè is not.  The big news is that Fraser Forster is back in goal which is terrific.  So, we have our first choice goalkeeper on the pitch and with Kelvin Davis, our 4^th choice on the bench.  I don’t get the last bit as Gazzaniga was there for the warm up.  Are we playing Bertrand in midfield then?  No – as the game kicks off it become apparent that Ryan is on the left of a back 3 with Targett at wing back where he was crap on Saturday.  Cédric is back on the right which is harsh on Martina who was decent against Palace.  The first action of the game is Romeu thinking he’s got a chance from 40 yards and sending it into orbit.

Watford are sat very deep whenever we get the ball with all 11 in their half.  Maybe it’s because they have an oil tanker playing at centre back.  Yes, the one player who stands out aside from Deeney and Ighalo for Watford is the centre back Prodl who is fucking enormous.  I mean, he’s tall but he’s properly fat and slow as fuck.  I don’t like to take the piss out of opposition players (that’s a lie) but he has one of those stupid ponytails sticking out of the top of his head and the tache makes him look like a fat 70s porn star.  Sheffield Wednesday used to have a player who I nicknamed ‘Ron Jeremy’ for the same reason.  So, Ron is at the back and he looks shit.  Watford actually play nice football at the back and try and knock it around but they’re not quite good enough to do so and there’s always a sloppy pass waiting to happen.

After a quick burst of trying to be clever at the back, the ball goes to Watson who gives it away to Ryan Bertrand.  A quick pass puts Targett away on the left and before Nyom can get out to him, he has time to measure a cross and curl it behind the defenders, in darts Shane and flicks a header down and past Gomes and into the corner.  Great cross, great header, great start, 1-0.

Watford immediately push out more from the kick off and give the ball away once more to Bertrand and we’re away, to Targett to Mané and he’s running at Ron Jeremy who is going backwards as fast as his big fat legs will carry him.  Sadio gets to the edge of the box, cuts in side and it all opens up perfectly but his right footed shot is too close to Gomes who sticks an arm up and claws it away.  The resulting corner is taken by Bertrand and though there is no one near him, Gomes punches it out to Matt Targett who is a good 40 yards out but he’s full of confidence so fuck it, why not and it flicks off a defender and goes narrowly past the post.

We’re not letting Watford have any time on the ball and it’s great.  It’s led by Clasie and Romeu who are steaming around but they’re being back up by everyone else with Targett closing down Nyom who tries to clear but it hits Targett and bounces kindly for Shane who is on the bye line.  He has no angle to work with so he tries some sort of wildly optimistic chip over the 6 foot 6 goalkeeper and Gomes flaps it out into the middle where Cédric comes in and clatters a defender and gets somewhat harshly booked.  The defender who Cédric has clobbered stays down and the Northam try to get Fraser to give them a wave.  He’s not having any of it.

Cédric has a cunning plan to start an attack and does this by losing the ball on the right and allowing Watford to attack us.  Ighalo lines up Fonte and beats him but Bertrand has read it well and slides in to block the shot.  Virgil heads the corner away and with Watford having players forward, we are gone with Davis leading the charge, giving it to Clasie who has a chance to show his passing skills and put Mané clean through but he butchers it and underhits it, allowing Watford to clear.  It’s as bad as missing an open goal from 10 yards and Clasie knows it.

Wait, did I say ‘open goal from 10 yards’… More pissing about in defence from Watford and Jurado finds himself in the left back area which is the prefect place from which to try a suicidal ball across to Ron Jeremy.  Sadio is in before Ron can adjust his dressing gown and is clean through with just Gomes to beat.  He goes low and beats the keeper but he ball trundles into the outside of the post and wide.  Fucking hell… still only 1-0.

Jurado is obviously not happy with us only being 1-0 up so he tries again and again Mané gets in but he is wider this time and Gomes is smartly off his line to save at his feet.  It’s half time, we’ve played well and we should be 4-0 up and the fact that we are not means we are still susceptible to the ‘one on target shot scenario’ from the opposition.

Anyone who was expecting Watford to be better in the second half was probably immediately disappointed as the pattern continued with Targett putting in another great cross which resulted in Mané challenging Gomes and the pair banging heads.  Amazingly the ref didn’t blow for a free kick but no matter as the ball was headed off the line anyway.  It was another near miss though and each one from here on in was going to make things just that little more anxious.

Following a very over-enthusiastically received catch from Fraser, we attack again and Romeu plays a great ball over the top to Steve Davis who controls well and lashes it across Gomes and into the net.  Those who hadn’t seen the linesman’s flag go up celebrated the goal whereas the rest of us just sat there wondering how close it was. Very close as it turned out and there was no way that Ron Jeremy’s arse wasn’t playing him onside.  From the Chapel End where I sit there was a shout from behind me of ‘I could see that was onside from here lino’ which never fails to raise a smile.

Romeu is on fire and he crunches in a left foot shot which Gomes has to beat away and the keeper is back to his amusing best a minute later as a Cédric cross dies on him but he’s already made up his mind to punch it and ends up punching it about an inch off the ground.  There’s another loud groan as Virgil gets on the end of a free kick (which was awarded for Ron Jeremy slapping his arm across Long’s forehead) and knocks it across the goal and a sliding Long misses it by inches and Mané can’t turn it in at the back stick.  Shiiiiit.  And another as Long gets away on the right and squares in unselfishly to Mané who once again can’t get his shot on target.  Ron (Koeman, not Jeremy) has had enough and Mané is off to be replaced with Tadic.

Tadic is playing right up front which is interesting and whilst I’m still deciding whether I think it’s a good idea or not, Cédric chips forward, Steve Davis flicks on and Tadic is on the ball on the edge of the box.  He turns Anya and Ron Jeremy inside out to find space and shoots under Gomes and into the net.  Impact sub.  Get in.  Relax.

There is no reaction for Watford at all and Long nearly gets n the end of a Davis pass but for once, Big Ron Jeremy gets in the way.  We have time for the return of Graziano as he comes on for Davis.  It’a bit odd but Long has gone back into Davo’s position on the right of midfield, I assume to run around like a lunatic, allowing Tadic and Pellè to stay up front.  Yoshida is also on for Cédric at right wing back he only has 15 minutes to give away his usual goal.  Hang on... Clasie is still on the pitch... is that right?

Following a poor clearance from Tadic, Watford actually have a shot as Cathcart has a go but Fraser gets down well to smother it easily.  There’s an amusing incident where Long sprints down the right and then his legs seem to stop working in a co-ordinated fashion and he falls on his arse and injures himself.  Thirty seconds later and he’s up and chasing down the ball on the left wing.  The work rate from the Irishman has been nothing short of phenomenal.  Tadic lashes a late chance over the bar when he should have really passed it but it doesn’t matter and we’re back on track for today at least.

Awesome.  Basically it was a superb performance from first to last.  We started the stronger team, scored early and never let them have a sniff.  Most importantly, we kept playing for 90 minutes regardless of the match situation which was beginning to get a bit nervy until the second goal went in.  It’s no exaggeration to say we could have won by six and it was only down to the eccentric Gomes and poor finishing from us that kept it to two.  I will take a win though of any description and we can go into the West Brom game on Saturday, knowing that a win will have us all looking up the table again, rather than down it.

You can go down the whole team and everyone was excellent really – from having the Big Man back in goal too Shane Long running around like a lunatic up front.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a player run as much as that in one game as Shane did tonight.  I’m not one for looking at Opta Stats as no matter what stats say, I know certain things like that James Milner gives the ball away every 30 seconds and that Michael Carrick will give the ball away 90% of the time if put under pressure.  For distance covered and amount of sprints – Shane must have been off the charts today.

Following the Arsenal win, Ronald went to West Ham with a different formation and different players and we lost.  I hope that for Saturday against West Brom, we keep the same starting XI.  Graziano should stay on the bench especially seeing that West Brom have Olsson and MacAulay at centre backs and they’re both old and slow.  Elsewhere, it would be an absolute fucking travesty if Oriol Romeu gets left out to accommodate Big Vic coming back.  Romeu and Clasie were brilliant today.  Romeu is a better footballer than Vic with a better range of passing and he gets forward more and has more of a goal threat.  Also and most importantly, he wants to play for us and has his mind on the job and hasn’t acted like a tosser since the start of the season.  Vic is probably stronger in the tackle but that’s about it.  Clasie has his best game in a Saints shirt tonight and played for the whole 90 which is excellent news.  He was still going strong at the end too and this will prove to him that he can do it.  Hopefully he recovers well enough to play on Saturday.

When not confronted with a flying winger, Matty Targett has a great game at both ends of the pitch and there were a couple of calls in the back 3 which Ronald got spot on.  Playing Bertrand instead of Yoshida was really obvious but a great decision but also swapping José to the middle of the 3 was a great move too as he can organize things better from there and Virgil is quicker so why not give him more ground to cover.  Maybe if we persist with this formation then Bertrand and Targett could swap if the right winger is quick.

Watford… were shite.  Their captain Troy Deeney said they were shite after the game and they were.  A lot of it was down too us making them look shite as we bossed the midfield and never gave the defence time to play out from the back which is clearly what they wanted to do.  Ron Jeremy was properly funny in their defence though.  Massive great fat lump who couldn’t run, up against Shane Long.  Shite or otherwise though, they’re still above us in the table.

Another false dawn or a genuine turning of the tide.  Tune in Saturday to find out.

FA Cup 3rd Round - Southampton 1 Crystal Palace 2

Same Shit, Different Day

With the transfer window open, we’re had some news of sorts with a couple of loaned out players returning to the club in the form of Jack Stephens and Sam Gallagher who had both failed to get much football on loan to Championship Clubs.  Though the fact they didn’t do well in the Championship is not too encouraging, I’d rather have these two on the bench for the first team than the likes of Juanmi and Martina.  There is also news that Florin Gardos is fit again and will soon be joining Fraser Forster in the Under 21s.  The big man was back during the week and got 90 minutes under his belt in the 1-0 win in the U21 Cup competition which we won last year.  The Chelsea kids we were playing against must have found it quite dispiriting to be playing against an England International 6 foot 7 monster keeper.  One reaction save with his foot was particularly impressive and with any luck he’ll be back in the first team soon.  Anything that moves Kelvin Davis away from ever playing for the first team again has got to be good.

It’s been muscle flexing time at St Mary’s where Ronald has come out with typical honesty and basically said that any player who thinks the causing problems will get him a move, will be made to sit in the stands for the duration of his contract.  It’s an admirable stance and it should be applauded but the reality is that we know that in the money driven game that we have now, that won’t be allowed to happen indefinitely.  I had hoped that the players wouldn’t be in demand as they’re not actually good enough to play for a top 4 side.  I don’t think Victor is good enough for a top 4 footballing side like Arsenal and I question whether Sadio has enough end product for someone to pay the fee we will demand in the summer (£30m plus I would imagine).  I was however forgetting one thing... Manchester United.  Wanyama and Schneiderlin in central midfield for United... makes you feel quite ill doesn’t it... and they need strikers with pace so I can see them going for it.

Anyhow, enough of that and we have Crystal Palace in the FA Cup today.  It’s 2016 and 40 years since 1976 so it would be nice, wouldn’t it?  In that year we beat Palace in the semi-final so there’s another omen.  Sadly, omens mean little when you have a recent history of finding a more shite way of going out of every cup competition that passes.  Already this season we’ve had one of the worst performances ever in Midtjylland in the Europa and then we bettered that with a 6-1 home defeat by Liverpool in the Capital One.  I wonder what shambles we can dish up for going out of the FA Cup and will it be today?  It should be a decent day with Palace bringing 5000 fans and they are one of the best away supports in the country.  They of course knocked us out last year in the 4^th Round when we were pretty awful and we managed to let Yaya Sanogo’o score.

Palace have had a decent season so far with some eye catching wins but like with us, injuries have decimated their front line recently and they’ve struggled to score goals.  Both Pardew and Koeman are on record this season about the need to challenge for trophies so I imagine that both teams will be pretty close to their usual line-ups.  We know that Pellè and Rodriguez are still out, Vic is suspended and we know that Cédric is available again.

The team news is questionable as we appear to have 3 centre backs with Yoshida in the team along with Fonte and van Dijk so it’s looking like the formation that didn’t do us any good when we lost 1-0 at Selhurst a few weeks back.  Martina and Targett are the two wing backs which is who we started with at wing back in the horrific Midtjylland away game.  There seems a lack of creativity in the front 5 as well with only Mané who might do something out of the oridinary.  Oh well, let’s see…  Palace have named a strong side.  They’re without Bolasie who is injured and are down to their 4^th choice straiker in Frazier Campbell who is Championship at best.  Pardew is back at St Mary’s though.  He’s the manager that started the resurgence for us and won the JPT so we should always be grateful.  A lot of water has flowed under the bridge since then.

We start off like we have a point to prove and Targettt plays a nice ball behind the defence for Long to run on to but it’s inches in front of him and Hennessey collects.  More good play and Clasie plays a good ball to Davis who puts Long in again.  He gets there before Hennessey but takes it wide and runs out of room.  Just for once I’d like Shane to take an instant first time shot like Pellè does when he gets played in.  You never know what might happen

The full backs have obviously been told to get forward and Martina in particular is trying to do this and he fires in a cross which is just ahead of Davis and we’re looking good and then guess what happens.  Yoshida is bringing the ball out of defence and he plays a ball into Long’s feet who has come short and has a player up his arse.  Shane doesn’t tend to hold the ball up in this situation and he knocks it straight back first time but not straight to Yoshida who gets beaten to it by Puncheon who is away with Maya on his arse.  He runs unchallenged into the box before playing a simple square ball which is smashed into the net by ex-Skate Ward who has made it up from the back.  Stekelenburg gets a touch but as usual, he doesn’t save it and 1-0 to Palace.

We react badly as usual and suddenly, Targett v Zaha is looking scary.  Targett isn’t bad but he’s not quick and with Zaha having both pace and trickery, it looks like a disaster waiting to happen for us.  Predictably the tide has completely turned and Palace win a corner which is floated over by Puncheon and Dann has a free header from 5 yards out but mercifully he misses the ball and it keeps going.  Massive let off.  Yoshida, who was supposed to be marking him was curled up in a ball on the floor, possibly praying for it all to be over.

We are now unbelievably bad – Romeu is giving the ball away every time he has it and when we do get the ball under control, Mané usually runs into trouble.  He’s trying hard though which after last week is a decent result.  Clasie is picking out passes well and you can see what he brings to the side.  He has to get involved more though and drag us back into games instead of disappearing for a10 minutes which he tends to do.

We manage one half opportunity before half time after a Mané cross, a knock down from Davis and a shot from Romeu which is blocked by a defender.  Half time and it’s the same old shit.  We’ve played ok, not scored when we were on top and then thrown a goal in the other end and gone to shit straight afterwards.

Ronald has clearly decided to go for it in the second half and on come Tadic and Juanmi (sigh!) for Davis and Yoshida so we’ve gone from 5-3-2 to 4-2-4 as you can be sure that Mané, Tadic and Juanmi won’t be doing much defending.  Well this could go one of two ways really.

I’m not hopeful but amazingly, it works with Juanmi picking the ball up deep and picking out Romeu.  He gets his head up and plays in Martina behind the defence.  Whilst we’re all expecting another Roberto Carlos effort, this time he just smashes it straight at Hennessey who blocks but Romeu follows up to bundle it into the net.

Staright after the goal, Romeu and Mané combine to set up Long whose shot is saved low down by Hennessey.  Palace then pick it up a bit and after about 3 minutes of being on top, Puncheon picks up the ball on the left and cuts onto his right foot.  Punch was famous at Saints for the right footed shot that he shanked and it dribbled along the ground or the left footed shot that hit row Z but this time he smashes it and Stekelenburg takes off and actually makes a difficult looking save…. But parries it more or less straight to Zaha who adjusts and volleys it into the net.  From where I was sat at the other end it really looked like Stekelenburg should have pushed it over the bar and later replays suggest the same.  Fuck it.  The big surprise is that this goal wasn’t in any way Yoshida’s fault.

We don’t pull the usual 20 minutes of sulking and Tadic sets up Juanmi who tries to pass it into the corner but Hennessey gets down well to push it around the post.  It’s time for the final sub to be made and as it’s a cup game, maybe Seager…. No, JWP for Clasie.  Predictable.

We carry on threatening though and Romeu tries a header from the edge of the box which is going straight to Hennessey who makes a bollocks of it and drops it.  There are two played in the vicinity, Dann and Juanmi.  Guess which one reacts and gets a foot to the ball and guess which one didn’t anticipate.

JWP is at least right on the money with corners today.  As we reach the 90^th minute, one lands on Fonte’s head but along with a touch from a defender it loops over the bar.  From the next one, Long meets it and the near post and the header smacks off the angle of post and bar and away.  It’s all us now and Mané breaks past Ledley and his caravan in midfield and the Welsh carthorse cynically takes him out.  Upo steps our free kick specialist who never scores and it’s round the wall and heading for the bottom corner but a combination of Hennessey and the post keeps it out.  Fuck.  Out of the cup again.

Deja vu.  We’ve been on top most of the game and managed to miss chances and not make the opposition work for their goals and we’ve managed to lose another game we should have won.  It’s like we’re playing Russian Roulette but all six bullets are in the gun and we shoot ourselves every single time.  We played quite well at time today but the final ball or shot was usually rubbish and then we have the defending.  A lot will get said about Ronald’s formation and rightly so – we had three centre backs to mark Frazier Campbell who is Championship level at best.  Not only that but it left Matt Targett who is slow, marking Wilfried Zaha with no midfielder to help him out.  The idea with the three centre backs that the left most of the three gets out there at helps but the left most was Yoshida who had a predictable mare.  He kept up his goal a game average in predictable fashion.

I’ve though up to now that criticism of Stekelenburg was harsh as it’s true that he hasn’t really let in a horrific goal where you could point a finger at him.  His kicking is good as well but the fact remains that he doesn’t actually save anything that isn’t straight at him.  Nothing at all.  With Big Fraser on his way back, it really is a matter of time for the Dutchman.

I really would like to see some of our youngsters given a bit of a go – if not from the start then from the bench.  Would Jack Stephens really be worse than Yoshida at the moment?  Would Ryan Seager not give us a better chance of a goal than Juanmi?  I’ve regularly dug out Martina and questioned why we didn’t play Jason McCarthy but to be fair, Martina was decent today and got forward well.  The one youngster who did play was Targett and he struggled.  His lack of pace is a real problem and in that formation as a wing back he’s going to have a mare more often than not.  Maybe his future is as a left sided centre back.

Positives today were the performance of Clasie but yet again he didn’t finish the game.  Romeu was good aside from his 10 minutes of mare in the first half.  I was keeping an eye on Sadio Mané after last weeks fiasco and to be fair, he never stopped running all game and was definitely trying his best throughout.  He was on his knees at the end too when the final whistle went and we lost.  You could be cynical and say that the last bit was orchestrated but the previous 90 minutes weren’t and that’s all we can ask, for a player to do his best for the 90 minutes.

The bottom line is that this is a cup game and whilst is disappointing to be out, it doesn’t cause the alarm that defeats in our next two league games will cause.  It’s another game to add to our shit run of results though.  Watford and West Brom at home has to bring points and the performances don’t matter as long as the end result is good.  Less than 3points and it’ll be panic stations, 3 will be seen as acceptable I guess, 4 will be definitely acceptable and 6 will all but banish the fear of relegation before it really sets in.  The season is fucked to be honest and I’d settle for a final 10 games with no real danger of being sucked into the battle at the bottom.

With transfer window open you hope we can pull something out of the bag.  A look along the coast sees Bournemouth getting in three players already in Iturbe, Afobe and Grabban.  Maybe they’ll do the business or maybe not.  Maybe they’ve paid tooo much money for them but maybe not.  At least though, Bournemouth are making an effort to ensure they have a decent season. If you stand still, you go backwards…

Premier League Match 20 - Norwich 1 Southampton 0

Show Me The Money!!!!

Norwich.

On the plus side it’s a chance to start 2016 with 3 points and on the negative side there’s everything else.  As a team, Norwich appear to be just about keeping their heads above water without being particularly good which is testament to the job that Alex Neil has done with them.  They had a win at Old Trafford recently and a win at home to Villa and will be looking to continue the upsurge in form against us.

We should be going into this game with a bit of confidence after the Arsenal game and the first half against West Ham when we played pretty well.  It would be nice if we’d bothered to play in the 2^nd half at West Ham but everyone is making the right noises.  I was hoping for a 4-4-2 like we had against Arsenal but before the game it emerged that some quite sizeable shit had hit the fan.  Sadio Mané had been warned on Thursday about his poor attitude in training andtwo hours before kick off, he decided to be late for the team meeting when final tactics are discussed.  Unsurprisingly, he was dropped and so the team was changed with JWP brought into the side.  The only other options were to bring in either Gaston or Ryan Seager to play up front so as none of those were preferred, I think we can safely assume that we were always going to go with one up front.  Even though I think he’s bang average, this would have been a great opportunity to give Juanmi a go from the start but for some reason he wasn’t with the travelling party.

Cuco Martina is again preferred to Maya Yoshida at right back which is a bit like choosing between two particularly nasty methods for your own death.  Jordy Clasie was back in midfield in place of Oriol Lechter who was suspended after picking up his 5^th booking of the season in the last game before the amnesty.  Norwich have some players were aware of like Wes Hoolahan and Alex Tettey and a new striker called Mbokani who is an odd looking fucker to say the least.

We start well and look like we’re playing a different sport altogether to Norwich at a different pace.  We have the first good chance as Tadic hooks a cross over and Long gets up well above a hesitating keeper but his header loops over the bar.  We continue to be the better side but have a go at gifting Norwich a chance when José has a mare and Howson puts an effort wide.  Then JWP has a chance after good work from Bertrand and Tadic but the words ‘JWP’ and ‘chance’ ar ein the same sentence so you can guess that it doesn;t end in ‘goal’. Straight at the keeper.

Virgil has a moment and puts an atrocious pass across the pitch straight to Hoolahan.  He sets howson away on our left as we all shit ourselves and try and get back but luckily, Howson butchers the chance and puts the cross behind everybody.

It’s time to look away and it seems that Norwich have scored as Martin gets down the Norwich right and whips in a cross which Mbokani bundles past Stekelenburg and just wide.  Martina has actually put in some good defending there to cover over and put him off and he has another good moment from the restart as he picks up the ball on the right and curls an exquisite pass behind the Norwich centre backs straight to Long who takes a great first touch and as we all shout ‘shooooot’, he takes a shite second touch and runs into Rudd and all we get is a corner as it bounces off a defender.   Great ball, wank finish.  Bertrand’s corner is met by Long beyond the back post and he gets a good header down which bounces up and Rudd shovels it over the bar.

The first booking arrives and you can’t argue with Twattenburg on this as Redmond skips infield, lays the ball off, time passes by and then Big Vic slides in and wellies him up in the air.  Another corner and it looks for all the world that Virgil is going to meet it and flick it into the net but everyone misses it and it flashed across and out for a goal kick.  More decent play from us and a chance is worked for Clasie on the edge of the box and he hits it well but Rudd pushes it past the post.  It’s actually been quite an entertaining first half with the worry being that we’ve proved time and again to be only capable of playing for 45 minutes.  Norwich are spirited but very average and it’s a game we really should win.

The first 10 of the second half pass in the blink of a fucking great yawn as neither side puts anything together.  Norwich are creating as little as us.  They have a couple of situations without getting a shot on target.  Tettey, who is a Norwegian international and about as Norwegian as I am, fires miles over the bar and ex-Skate O’Neil’s corner causes confusion in the box and Stekelenburg does well to shovel it out of the area.  Norwich make a substitution and on comes a fat version of Gabby Agbonlahor.  He looks properly fat this guy.  I bet he scores.   They’ve gone 4-4-2 with the introduction of fatty but we’re still playing 4-5-1, Mané is still not on the pitch for us and JWP, playing as the most advanced of our midfielders has got as much goal threat as you’d expect from a man with one penalty to show for 100 odd games.

We have a chance and it’s from real creative play as Stekelenburg bombs a goal kick forward and everyone misses it.  Tadic looks like he’s in and there is a perfect opportunity for him to shoot, on his left foot and all he has to do is thump it but he lets it go and ends up going wider before lifting it over the bar.

On 73 minutes, Fat Agbonlahor picks up a clearance and before he had chance to turn, Big Vic comes crashing in and flattens him with the ball miles away.  For fucks sake and Twattenburg has no choice but to send him off.  I have had many issues with Twattenburg in the past but he was 100% right here.  You fucking idiot Victor.  Now we’ll see how we respond to a setback.  My money is on Norwich having one shot on target and scoring.

Straight away we look like a disaster and Brady gets down the left and gets a cross in which is cleared as far as Hoolahan who has his shot superbly blocked by van Dijk.

And so it came to pass from the next attack that Fat Agbonlahor picked up the ball on the right wing and cut inside Clasie whose effort at a tackle was absolutely abysmal and laid the ball across the top of the box to Tettey who sidefooted a superb shot into the top corner to give Stekelenburg no chance at all.  Oh look, they got a shot on target and fucking scored.  Well done Victor you cunt.  We’ve responded to a setback in the usual way and crumbled within two minutes and now I expect we’ll crumble further and do nothing.

After the Norwich goal we did fuck all for the rest of the game.  There’s no point in pretending otherwise.  Show Me The Mané, Harry Reed and Gaston came on as subs and did nothing and that was it.  Nothing.  Against a painfully average Norwich side, we did nothing and the ref may as well have saved us all the last 15 minutes and just blown up when Tettey’s shot hit the net.

As a visibly angry Ronald said post match, you want players who want to play for the shirt, play for the fans and play for the club. We have two at least, who have no interest in any of those things. Victor Wanyama and Sadio Mané are guns for hire who only give a shit about money. If we paid them 150 grand a week they wouldn't give a shit about moving to a big club and playing in the Champions League or winning trophies or whatever. Wanyama has already played for a club in the Champions League that wins trophies in their domestic league but he moved to us because we pay more money than Celtic do. Mané moved to us from the Austrian league, again for the money and I remember his agent saying when he signed that he wouldn't be at Saints for long. He virtually went on strike to get out of Salzburg and forcing through his move to Saints so we really shouldn't be surprised.  

These players dress it up as ambition when in fact all it is, is chasing the money. It's just a job to these lads and I don't think they'd give a shit if they were permanently sat on the bench at a big club as long as they were earning 150 grand a week for doing it. The sooner you realise that these two players and a number of others are complete cunts then the easier your find it to make sense of it all. I don't expect loyalty as loyalty is for fans only and why would someone from Africa be loyal to Southampton but what I do expect is respect towards the club that pays them and the fans that support them and the manager who has achieved more in the game than they ever will and was 5 times the player they’ll ever be.  The way you show that respect is by putting in the performances to the best of your ability.


It looks to me that Wanyama deliberately got sent off today. It was the same as his red card against Bournemouth when the second booking was an absolutely fucking stupid challenge bearing in mind he already been booked. Once is a brain fart but twice in a couple of months is a deliberate act as far as I'm concerned. In addition, earlier in the season of course you had the Midtjylland debacle when he basically refused to play, playing a massive part in wrecking all last seasons work.  Mané deliberately missed the team meeting having been warned about his attitude just two days earlier. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out why he's acting up.

If I was Steve Davis, Jose Fonte or Kelvin Davis or any of the other players who obviously care, I would not be remotely impressed with the actions of either player especially given that everyone worked so hard last season and this season we are just throwing it all away, The most obvious example of that being the Europa league exit.

All the club can do about it is make the best of it. We have to weigh up whether it's best to keep two twats who are good players or whether it's best to take the money for them now if indeed big clubs are interested and muddle through the rest of the season and hope we can stay up.  Personally I'd stick a 30 million price tag on Wanyama and a 50 million price tag on Mané for the January window, telling them that that's what they're worth as they are 'so good'. Then, we could agree to sell them for more reasonable values in the summer as long as they stay focused for the rest of the season.  Neither of them will be here past the summer unless all the clubs that might be able to afford them, decide that they’re twats who aren’t worth the bother.  Maybe they’ll notice that Vic can’t pass the fucking ball and has been shite for 90% of the season or that Sadio has only scored 3 goals and most of the time has been all fart and no shit.

A major flaw in the strategy of the club to recruit players from smaller leagues is that if they turn out to be any good, then they will do the same to Saints in time. What damage are they going to do whilst they are looking for their move away?  We talk about doing character checks on players but that side of things is obviously not working too well and you only have to look at the two twats that we still have and Dani Osvaldo to prove that. We have Victor deliberately getting himself sent off and generally not giving a shit unless we are playing against a big club that he wants to audition for. We have Sadio who deliberately defies his manager and doesn't try in training and then we had Dani Osvaldo who chinned his own captain. All of these cunts were trying to engineer moves out of the club.

As I write I see that Victor has apologised and said that he just wants to do his best for the team. Bollocks mate, absolute bollocks, you want to do the best for yourself. I'm afraid that's just a PR exercise though hopefully it was triggered by someone like Jose Fonte telling him what a complete twat he is.

As for the game, well of course we should have won but of course we didn't. It was yet another one-half performance as it was a really poor second half even before the twat got sent off.  It was painfully obvious that Norwich were going to have one shot on target and fucking score and so it turned out. It was also painfully obvious that once and they had scored, we were going to do absolutely nothing to get back into the game and sure enough, we didn't manage a single fucking effort on goal in the 15 minutes that remained. We of course should have been the lead by the time the twat got sent off but the horrible miss by Long in the first half and Tadic and his lack of willingness to shoot in the second half meant that though they were absolutely shit, Norwich were still in the game.

Positives... Well I thought that Clasie played ok but he was beaten far too easily for the goal by Fat Agbonlahor. Other than that it was the dependables who looked decent like Fonte, Bertrand & Davis.  Long worked hard before tiring in the second half but the ‘creative’ players in our side, JWP and Tadic were 98% shite as usual.  I have issues with Ronald today, not over the two twats but over the team selection.  We have to go at these average sides.  Two up front would have been fine today so either Seager or Ramirez should have started or at least push Tadic up as an advanced number 10.  When Norwich pushed up a second attacker when Fatty came on, we did nothing different.  Alex Neil made a sub to try and win a game and we did nothing – unless you count Victor kicking Fatty up in the air and getting sent off.

Down to 13^th in the league and looking over our shoulders which is likely to be the way of it from here on in.  The transfer window is open and we need to strengthen.  I don’t buy the line that everyone’s happy with the squad and it depends on injuries to the strikers whether we get anyone in or not.  We need a right back, a winger and a striker in my opinion but more important than that, we need to find a solution to the ‘twat’ problem that we currently have.

PS... I first became aware of the Mané story in the morning when Alex Crook took to twitter and reported it with his opinion attached that it was linked to the transfer window.  He predictably got a load of stick for shit stirring and doom-mongering and then got all precious about the fact he was being criticised.  The only reason I got to see these Tweets is because others retweeted it onto my timeline.  I can’t see Alex Crook’s stuff (which is no loss) as he blocked me last year after I had a pop over his ‘Morgan Schneiderlin was forced to train with the kids’ work of fiction piece which ran in a national newspaper.  Now, I happen to believe that he’s dead right over the Mané issue but I also believe that as a journo with an audience of transfer-window battle weary Saints fans, if he strays from reporting facts and just reports speculation then he’s going to get stick and it’s pathetic that he gets upset about this and no doubt he went on another blocking spree on Saturday.   Even though I think Crook is correct in his guess, no one knows for sure except Mané and his agent.   Ronald Koeman doesn’t know so I find it very unlikely that a local journo will know. So Alex Crook: grow a pair and understand that in your position you have to stick to facts or shut the fuck up about the abuse you will inevitably get.  It’s a been a day for assholes.

Premier League Match 19 - West Ham 2 Southampton 1

What the Fuck is This?

A quick turnaround and here we are at Upton Park for the last time.  West Ham are more likeable now that Fat Sam is no longer in charge but the whole Olympic Stadium deal still rankles.  It’s fucking ridiculous that they get it for next to nothing and it’s ridiculous that they and Spurs can’t be accommodated there.  It works pretty well in Milan after all.  Still – that one’s been done to death. 

The Hammers started the season superbly, mostly fired by Dimitri Payet as they won some really high profile away games.  They’ve stuttered since Payet got injured but are adept at digging out points when they need to and will finish in the top half this season.  They are still owned by the Dildo Boys however and I hope they find a way to bring a massive cock into the design when they personalise the new stadium.  Slaven Bilic is their manager now – a horrible shit as a footballer but he’s doing a decent job so far as a manager.

There are just two changes from the Arsenal game with Romeu in for Clasie and Tadic in for JWP.  Hopes that we are staying with the same formation are dashed though as it looks like we’re 4-2-3-1 again with Long up top on his own.

West Ham have a decent side even without Payet and it includes Michail Antonio.  Now there’s a player I never expected to be in the Premier League but fair play to him.  I had a lot of time for him when he played for us and he was brilliant in the JPT Final when we won it back in 2010.  Andy Carroll is fit enough for the bench, as is Lanzini who looked a decent player earlier in the season before he got injured.

We are the better side from the start as some of the Arsenal magic is still with us.  Long is looking a right handful and the West Ham defence looks like it might creak and it does after 15 minutes as Stekelenburg hoofs a goal kick and Long beats the centre backs in the air.  A Mané flick which somewhat luckily finds Davis, a ball inside the full back to Long who crosses low to where Tadic bundles it into the net.  A great move but the finish was somewhat lucky as though Tadic had got a touch, it was Jenkinson who had smashed it into the net.  Get in.

After the goal, the predicted West Ham response doesn't really happen and we have a great chance for 2-0 as Martina, finds Long with a great ball down the right and his low cross finds Davis whose shot it deflected wide by the baldy headed ginger bearded monster that is Collins.  The corner is met by José whose header is clawed out by Adrian and Big Vic can’t get over the shot and whacks it into the crowd.

We manage another decent effort before half time as Tadic takes aim from 25 yards but Adrian pulls off one for the cameras.  It’s all going rather well as West Ham have offered nothing going forwards and the only nagging fear is that from 45 minutes of domination, we’re only 1-0 up.

Bilic isn;lt going to die wondering and removes Zarate and Song and brings on Lanzini and Carroll.  What the fuck has Carroll got on his head.  I guess being injured for months on end gives you loads of time to ponder your hairstyle and the big Geordie hard man looks like a girl with neat little plaits and corn rows in his hair.  What a wanker.  Bet he fucking scores though.

…. And there you go… nearly. From a corner, Collins has a header cleared off the line by Martina but we don’t clear it properly and when it comes back in, a poor defensive header from Fonte lands at Carroll’s left hoof, which is his good hoof and he lashes it miles over the bar from 6 yards.

It’s all West Ham but we appear to be keeping them at arms length and then Cuco Martina reminds me why I always thought he was shite pre-Arsenal.  A diagonal ball from Collins should be headed away by Martina but he fucks up the trajectory of the ball and ends up knocking it down to Antonio who is gone,  he cuts into the area, gets closed down and hits the deck appealing for a penalty (which is bollocks) but in steams Big Vic to clear and his clearance hits the prone Antonio on the arm and loops ridiculously over Stekelenburg and into the net.  Oh fuck off.  How can you run off celebrating that, you wanker.  You knew nothing about it and it’s gone in off your arm.

You may have noticed at this point that there is no mention of what we’ve done since half time and that’s because we’ve done fuck all except occupy half of the pitch.  Ronald has had enough of the Cuco the Clown show so he brings on the much 'more reliable' Yoshida in his place at right back, soon followed by bloody Juanmi and Gaston for Tadic and Mané.  I still reckon it would have been better shoving Mané up front at this point to pressure the defenders before they took aim at Carroll.

You know it’s going to happen and it’s just a case of when.  Lanzini dragged a shot wide and Valencia finds space in the area and hammers in a low shot which Stekelenburg does well to block.  The inevitable goal from the inevitable source arrives with ten minutes to go as Jenkinson makes ground down the right, Valencia crosses, Antonio arrives totally unhindered by Yoshida who is supposed to be marking him and he heads against the bar but it bounces straight to fucking corn row boy and he heads it into the net.

In the remaining 12 or so minutes, we don’t do a lot.  Gaston proves that he can’t take a corner and sets up a West Ham break which ends with Antonio picking out row Z.  Full time and fuck off.

So it’s another game to add to the ’45 minute’ appearances we’ve put in this season.  We were brilliant in the first half aside from only scoring one goal and then absolute shit in the second half when we just hoped to play out for a 1-0 win and then once we’d fucked that up, just waited for the inevitable winner for West Ham.  Once that arrived we predictably did fuck all.

The key moment in this defeat is the first West Ham goal.  Ok, it’s ridiculously unlucky how it ends up in the net with a clearance deflecting on off the arm of a player who is flat on his face but like the Crystal Palace goal a few weeks back, if the original punt forward it dealt with by an unchallenged defender then nothing develops.  Martina was the culprit this time and he reverted to type and looked like a calamity waiting to happen all game.  Just head it or put it out of play you wanker, like you were taught when you were about 8 for fucks sake.

It had to be bloody Andy Carroll as well.  Never fit but he always scores against us and he has corn rows in his hair to make him look even more of a bell end.  West Ham really aren’t that great without Payet but they found a way to win the game and we found a way to lose it but it’s not rocket science – if you only play for 45 minutes out of 90 then you will lose, especially if you haven’t got the concentration or application to dig in when things aren’t going well.  We are as fragile as you like and as somas things start going against us we are gutless and slide to an inevitable defeat.

The dubious goals panel never fails to make me smile. The Tadic effort was probably going in but it’s gone down as an own goal for Jenkinson.  Antonio is lying on his face and a ball deflects in off his arm and he gets given the goal.  I guess that as Vic’s clearance wasn’t going in and the ref hasn’t given hand ball then it has to be Antonio’s goal.

Would I have taken 3 points out of 6 from the last two games?  Yes I would after the Spurs shambles but having won the more difficult of the two, it’s disappointing to not pick up at least a point here, especially as we were in a winning position.

So, 2015 comes to an end and roll on 2016.  I have a feeling that it’s going to be a struggle for Saints this year and there’ll be much bedwetting a sensationalism from the media to come – oh good, we have a transfer window to endure.

Happy New Year to all… except Andy Carroll and his shit house haircut.